Twilight Reforms the Legion of Doom
It was a normal day in Canterlot. Or at least, as of now. Before long, the day would soon become anything but normal. Princess Twilight Sparkle, the ruler of Equestria (as of twenty-five years ago), had a plan. And she had assembled all her friends at Canterlot Castle to tell them about it.
“My friends,” she said, gazing out at the five ponies who’d been there for her through thick and thin over the course of thirty years, “I have a dangerous mission for us.”
All of Twilight’s friends looked back at her, waiting in anticipation for her to continue. Twilight hesitated. She knew that she was about to say something that could possibly change the entire future of Equestria—but, for the better, if her plan worked out. She took a deep breath and continued.
“I suppose you remember when Discord was turned to stone, and Princess Celestia brought him to me to bring him back, because she knew that there was value that his magic could bring to Equestria.”
Fluttershy, who was now married to the formerly petrified draconequus, nodded in understanding. Twilight took another deep breath before finishing her thought.
“Well, I am challenging all of us to bring back Cozy Glow, and Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis. Because I know that their magic can be harnessed for good.”
Twilight’s friends fell silent for a minute, shocked by Twilight’s suggestion. They knew freeing Discord from stone had ended up being a good thing, but they doubted if any of them would end up marrying Tirek.
Rainbow Dash was the first to break the silence. “Yeah, right! They just tried to destroy us, and we turned them to stone! There’s nothing they could do that’s good!”
Twilight sighed. “And we would have said that about Discord, too, before we brought him back. But Fluttershy was able to convince him of the magic of friendship. And now Discord is only slightly problematic.”
“I don’t know about this one, Twilight,” Fluttershy spoke up. She used her hoof to brush away a stray strand of pink hair that had fallen from her mane. “One draconequus is one thing, but three giant monsters?”
Twilight suppressed a scoff. “They’re not giant monsters. Cozy Glow is basically the size of your hoof. Queen Chrysalis is a Changeling, just like Thorax and Ocellus. And Tirek…well, he’s…you know…he’s a big giant monster.” Twilight bit her lip, realizing that her plan sounded worse and worse the more she elaborated on it. “Don’t worry. I will go down with you when we free them from stone. They will probably try to run away immediately, and it is our job to stop them.”
The Mane 6 looked at each other anxiously. They didn’t think that any of this should have to be their job. But, reluctantly, they stood there obediently as the ruler of Equestria used her Alicorn magic to teleport the friends to the place where the Legion of Doom had been turned to stone, which was in the middle of Ponyville Park.
“Okay,” Twilight said as the friends stood in front of the petrified ponies. “Did anyone bring the ‘How to Turn Characters Out of Stone’ spell book?”
“Dah-ling,” Rarity said, tossing her violet curls (which had recently become streaked with grey), “I thought you just knew it. You know all the spells!”
“No, I don’t,” Twilight admitted. “I always rely on my trusty spell book. And I left it back at the Canterlot Castle.” She sighed audibly. She supposed she could have just teleported back to the castle to fetch the spell book, but teleporting took a lot of work, and she tried to avoid having to do it whenever possible. The tall lavender Alicorn turned to her reliable dragon assistant. “Could somepony please go back and get it? Spiiiiike?”
Spike gave Twilight Sparkle the side-eye. “I’m a grown-up dragon now. I don’t run errands anymore.”
Rarity batted her eyelashes at Spike. “Please, Spikey-Wikey? For me?” she asked.
Spike glared at the white Unicorn. “No!” he shouted.
Pinkie Pie giggled. “I’ll go get it! I like bouncing as fast as I can!” She bounced off in the direction of Canterlot Castle, her wild fuchsia curls bobbing up and down to the rhythm of her bouncing. Within five minutes, she’d returned with the spell book. “I brought it back!” she called excitedly, not even the slightest bit out of breath from traveling between two cities via bouncing within five minutes. “Am I too late?”
Twilight snorted. “Too late? Not like they were going anywhere.”
Applejack glanced at her friend. “That was a good one, Twilight. But you know, they can still hear stuff when they’re turned to stone. So they’re probably gonna try to get back at you for that.”
“Please,” Twilight said. “If they’re going to try to get back at me for anything, it’s not going to be for this. It’ll probably be for turning them to stone!” She used her Alicorn horn to remove the spell book from Pinkie’s hooves. “All right, here it is,” she said as she located the correct page in the book. “Really? The spell is just, ‘Turn to stone end’? That’s it? That’s what I sent you all the way back for, Pinkie Pie?”
“It’s okay!” Pinkie chirped. “Don’t worry about it! I stopped at Sugarcube Corner and ate fifty-seven thousand cupcakes!”
Twilight Sparkle frowned. “Oh. And I suppose you didn’t think to bring any to us, did you?” she asked.
Pinkie laughed. “Of course not, silly! How impressive would it have sounded if I’d said I only ate fifty-six thousand, nine hundred ninety-four cupcakes?”
“You’re right,” Twilight agreed. “That wouldn’t have sounded impressive at a—”
Pinkie cut Twilight off. “And you know, I’ve got to tell you, now that I’ve eaten all those cupcakes, I have a bit of a…sugar rush! Laaaaa!!” she cried, wildly skipping around in circles.
Twilight took another deep breath. “Calm down, Pinkie Pie,” she said, trying to remain calm. “We’re going to need everypony to be at their very best.”
Reluctantly, Pinkie Pie sat down, though Twilight could tell that she was going to great lengths to suppress the urge to bounce back up and start skipping again.
Twilight sighed and turned her focus back to the task at hoof. “All right. Everypony quiet,” she said, preparing to recite the spell. “One…two…”
“Yay.”
Twilight whirled around, annoyed. “What are you doing?” she asked Fluttershy, because, of course, that was who had been the one to say “Yay.”
“I was being quiet,” Fluttershy said. Sure enough, she had been being quiet—Fluttershy was always quiet.
Twilight had just about had it. “No, I mean, like, silent!”
“Oh. Well, Rainbow Dash always likes me to cheer for her. And then I say, ‘Yay,’ and then she tells me I’m not loud enough. So, I was being quiet.”
Twilight tried to mask her frustration. “All right. Everypony silent. We’re going to turn them back from stone, they’re probably going to run away, and we have to chase them down and tackle them like football players.”
Rainbow Dash wanted to ask what football was, but didn’t.
“Okay,” Twilight said, inhaling slowly. “‘Turn to stone…end.’”
All of a sudden, a burst of magenta magic shot forth from her Alicorn horn, and before she knew it, the statue had melted away, leaving behind Cozy Glow, Queen Chrysalis, and Tirek, with no trace of the stone they’d been trapped in.
Tirek was the first one to speak. “Ah, where are we?”
“We’re in the park where they turned us to stone forever!” Cozy Glow cried cheerfully, turning cartwheels in the air. She was pleasantly surprised that she still remembered how to use her wings, even after she’d been out of practice for so many years.
“Ugh, these awful ponies,” Queen Chrysalis spoke up. “I’ve got a crick in my back like I’ve been down here for…how long have we been down here?”
Twilight Sparkle smiled. “You’ve been down here for precisely six months.” She paused. “Plus twenty-five years,” she added, grinning wickedly.
“Ah, no wonder it’s so uncomfortable,” Chrysalis replied. Suddenly she was struck with a burst of inspiration. “Hey, we need to run away!”
Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, and Tirek all ran away. Twilight didn’t even try to stop them. She’d dealt with enough so far that day.
***
“Where should we go?” Cozy asked once she and her friends were decently far away from Ponyville. She tapped her chin with her hoof. (It still felt weird to be able to move her limbs, after they’d been encased in stone for so long.) “Ooh, I know! We should go back to Grogar’s!”
Tirek eyed the pink Pegasus. “We can’t, remember?” he said.
Cozy bit her lip. “That’s right. Well, that means we have nowhere to go!” she said, more cheerfully than any sane pony would have.
Tirek sighed. “I’ll tell you what I really want.”
Cozy and Chrysalis eyed him expectantly.
“I really want…some pizza.”
“Oh boy, that just sounds totally delicious!” Cozy cried, doing a backflip in midair. “I think we should go get some now! In fact, I think Papa John’s is having a family and friends deal! And we’re friends…right?” She batted her eyelashes at Tirek and Chrysalis, and shot them her cutest smile.
Chrysalis was immune to the pink filly’s cuteness. “Well, we at least learned how to work together. I don’t know if I’d call us…friends.”
“But I wanna be friends!” Cozy Glow yelled, her cute smile quickly melting into a contorted angry face.
Chrysalis wasn’t in the mood to deal with a Cozy Glow meltdown at the moment. “Fine. Fine, we’re…” She hesitated. “…friends.”
That satisfied Cozy for the time being. The group of three went to the pizza place, where they were instantly greeted by the pony standing behind the counter. “Howdy, can I take your order?” he asked, in a Southern accent that vaguely reminded Cozy Glow of Applejack’s voice (only deeper and raspier).
Tirek nodded vigorously. “I’m starving. I need something to help bulk up my biceps.”
The pizza pony snorted. “Heh, pizza’s not gonna do that; pizza’s gonna bulk up your, uh, belly, if you know what I mean.”
Tirek frowned. “I need that, too. I haven’t eaten in six months plus twenty-five years.”
“Why didn’t you just say twenty-five years?”
“Because! I’ve been stone for a long time. I’ve forgotten how to talk!” Tirek snapped. “Now shut up, and get me the type of pizza I want. Which is…” Tirek hesitated, struggling to remember all the different pizza topping options there even were. “…banana-za,” he finished.
“What? We don’t serve that,” the pizza pony said.
Tirek grunted. “That’s another one of the things I’ve forgotten—what types of pizza exist.”
Cozy Glow was getting impatient. She hadn’t forgotten what types of pizza existed. “I know what I’d like to have,” she piped up, using her tiny Pegasus wings to hover in midair. “I’d like to have some cheese and pepperoni.”
“I thought you didn’t eat meat,” Chrysalis interjected.
Cozy ignored her friend. “Cheese and pepperoni,” she repeated to the pizza pony.
Tirek was repulsed at the thought. “No! I don’t like pepperoni; there’s always little puddles of grease that pool in it. I hate it,” he said with fervor.
Cozy Glow turned around and narrowed her eyes at Tirek. “I’ll tell you what I hate. I hate it when big bully centaurs try to tell me what to do! I want pepperoni!”
Chrysalis noticed Cozy’s angry face returning again. “Then get the pepperoni pizza,” she said, not wanting Cozy’s angry face to grow into a full-blown temper tantrum, “and I’ll use my magic to change Tirek’s pieces into something different. Like, maybe…sausage. Or maybe the works. Or maybe ham and pineapple.”
“No!” Tirek snapped at the Changeling. “I don’t like ham and pineapple on my pizza, and I don’t like the works on my pizza!”
Chrysalis was beginning to grow annoyed. “Well, then what do you like on your pizza?”
“I don’t know. I’ve forgotten,” Tirek said. “Do they sell anything here other than pizza? Like, perhaps…car parts?”
Cozy Glow rolled her eyes. “No! You don’t eat car parts; you eat pizza! You always liked pizza before. When Grogar used to order out for pizza night, you’d always be like, ‘Ehh, give me some,’” Cozy Glow said in a horrible impression of Tirek’s voice. “And then you’d always take all my pieces,” Cozy added bitterly, “and I’d say I wanted them, and then you’d threaten to drain my life force!”
“Yes, and I’ll drain your life force now if you don’t get the kind of pizza I like,” Tirek retorted.
“Oh, yeah?” Cozy challenged him. “I’d like to see you try!”
Tirek ignored the young Pegasus. “Look, I have an idea. I’ll suck the life force from this pizza pony. I bet he’ll help me understand what goes on pizza.”
The pizza pony had tuned out during the trio’s argument, but he turned back to his customers upon hearing his name. “All right, did y’all decide on your…order…” That was all he got out before he collapsed from the sheer exhaustion of having the life force sucked out of him.
Tirek grinned wickedly and flexed his biceps (not that they’d grown much; the pizza pony wasn’t exactly filled to the brim with brute strength). “Yes! I had forgotten what it felt like to love pizza! I want double cheese; and I want zesty, tangy sauce; and I want cheese-filled crust! And I want Canadian bacon!” Tirek cried, cackling maniacally.
Cozy Glow beamed. “Canadian bacon? That sounds like the official pizza of friendship!”
“Ugh, I can’t stand it,” Chrysalis said to Cozy Glow, “you sound like a Hallmark card.”
Cozy narrowed her eyes at Chrysalis. “What’s wrong with Hallmark cards?!”
Chrysalis sighed. “Look, nothing, I don’t care,” she said, waving her hoof dismissively at the Pegasus filly. “I want to get our sustenance, and then I want to figure out what we have to do to destroy Twilight Sparkle and her friends.”
“But—” Cozy Glow stammered. “We shouldn’t destroy Twilight Sparkle, because she rescued us from the stone!”
Tirek raised an eyebrow at Cozy. “Yes, but she also put us in the stone.”
Cozy shrugged. “Yeah, you’ve got a point there.”
Actually, as Chrysalis remembered it, it hadn’t been Twilight who’d put them in the stone; it had been Celestia, Luna, and Discord. But Chrysalis wasn’t about to argue; she wanted Twilight to be destroyed as much as Tirek did.
“But you know what else makes me really happy?” Cozy continued, quickly straying from the topic at hand. “Dessert! I hear they have dessert on this menu! Look, a cinnamon streusel dessert pizza!”
Tirek made a face. “Dessert doesn’t belong on pizza,” he said, proud that the life force he’d drained from the pizza pony had provided him with this knowledge. “Cinnamon on pizza crust with cheese? Bleugh!”
Cozy Glow giggled from behind her hoof. “No, silly!” she said. “Dessert pizza is basically just a big giant cinnamon roll in the shape of a pizza.”
“That sounds really good,” Chrysalis said, licking her (nonexistent) lips. “That sounds wonderful. In fact, I’m going to transform myself briefly into Pinkie Pie to react to this pizza!” She utilized her Changeling magic to turn into a perfect clone of the hyper Earth pony. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love pizza!” Pinkie-Chrysalis cried, bouncing up and down. “I can’t wait to have the dessert pizza ’cause I love sugar, blahhh!”
Cozy and Tirek chuckled at the Pinkie Pie imitation, which, to them, sounded spot-on.
After Chrysalis transformed back into her regular form, the Legion of Doom got their pizza from the pizza pony (whom Tirek had reluctantly returned the life force to), and then began to discuss the prospect of finding a new place to hide out while they plotted their revenge on the Mane 6. After a long, thorough discussion, they decided to (for the time being) go back to where Grogar had used to stay, only to find that it had been torn down to build a condo.
Tirek sighed. “I wonder if Twilight Sparkle is renting out rooms at the Castle of Friendship.”
Cozy Glow beamed. “That sounds like a fun place to stay. I would really like that! Especially if they had big, fluffy pillows!” Cozy was dying to sleep on a big, fluffy pillow; she’d almost forgotten what the experience felt like, what after having been trapped in stone for twenty-five and a half years.
Chrysalis glared at Tirek and Cozy. “I couldn’t stay there; I hate Starlight Glimmer.” Suddenly she got an evil twinkle in her eye. “Actually,” she said, tapping her chin with her hoof, “that could be perfect. I could wait until she’s sleeping, and then I could transform her into something really, really terrible, like a…chair! Hahahahaha!”
If Cozy had been paying more attention, she would have pointed out that Changelings couldn’t transform other ponies, only themselves. But since she was still lost in her daydreams about fluffy pillows, she chalked Chrysalis’ mistake up to yet another thing that one of them had forgotten over the course of the past twenty-five years.
Chrysalis frowned. “Then again, if Twilight knows that it’s us trying to rent space in the castle, she’ll probably just turn us away. She’ll probably say, ‘You’re villains! You can’t stay here, blahhh!’”
Cozy shook her head. “I don’t think so. She was trying to reform us, remember? She needed our magic for something. We just don’t know what.”
Chrysalis didn’t listen to Cozy Glow. “I know what I can do,” she said, the plan becoming clear in her head as she spoke. “I can shape-shift into somepony else, and call Twilight, and get a room reservation under whoever I pretend to be!” Chrysalis laughed evilly. “This is a brilliant idea.”
Chrysalis picked up her cell phone (which she’d somehow acquired during their journey to the Hall of Doom turned condo), and dialed Twilight Sparkle’s number.
***
Back in Ponyville, Twilight’s cell phone rang. She picked it up and answered it, getting curious looks from all her friends as she did so. Cell phones didn’t even exist in Equestria, so this was very interesting.
“Hello?” Twilight said into the phone, wondering who could possibly be calling her.
“Twilight? It’s me, Cheese Sandwich. I’d like to get a room at the Caaaaastle of Friendship, please!”
Twilight scrunched up her face in confusion. “Cheese Sandwich? Why do you want to rent a room at the Castle of Friendship?”
“Well, you know, I’m Cheese Sandwich, and I want to make some cheeeeese sandwiches, and I want to throw a party! Blahhh! And I need to do that, by renting a room at the Castle of Friendship!”
Twilight was skeptical. Yes, Cheese Sandwich was a…well, a character, but he’d never acted this strange before (or drawn out his words for so long). “This doesn’t make any sense,” Twilight said into the phone. “Pinkie’s married to you; Pinkie hasn’t mentioned anything about you wanting to throw a party and rent a room at the Castle of Friendship.” Twilight glanced at Pinkie for confirmation.
Pinkie nodded. “Yeah, no way! Cheese Sandwich is away on his annual fishing trip!”
“Just as I thought,” Twilight said, satisfied. She turned back to the phone. “This is Queen Chrysalis calling, isn’t it?”
“Ohh, you’ve found me out, Twilight Sparkle,” Chrysalis replied, sounding frustrated.
Ah. Well, that explained a lot. Twilight was about to hang up, but suddenly thought of something. “Wait! Queen Chrysalis, stay on the phone! We need to talk to you, Tirek, and Cozy Glow!” Twilight cried.
Chrysalis scoffed condescendingly, something that just sounded wrong while she was still doing her Cheese Sandwich voice. “Yeah, right. The only thing you’ll be saying to us is, ‘Oh no, we’re so scared of you,’” she said, laughing maniacally. “Some other time,” she added cryptically, hanging up the phone.
Twilight sighed and was about to put away her cell phone when, suddenly, it rang again. Using her Alicorn magic, she answered it and pressed it to her ear. “Hello, Twilight Sparkle speaking.”
“Eeyup, Twilight Sparkle. It’s me, Big McIntosh. I want to rent a room at the Castle of Friendship.”
“Big Mac?” Twilight asked.
“Eeyup.”
“Why do you want to rent a room at the Castle of Friendship?” the Alicorn princess inquired, already a little suspicious that this wasn’t actually Big Mac at all.
“Well, Sweet Apple Acres…” Big Mac’s voice faltered. “…um, smells.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I know. I’ve been there.”
“Hey!” Applejack interjected.
Twilight ignored the orange Earth pony. “But, you’ve been living at Sweet Apple Acres your whole life,” she said into the phone. “Which means you’ve been living there for, like, seventy years. And you just now want to rent a room at the Castle of Friendship?”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied. “I want to try living in luxury for a while. I’m tired of living in a stinky old barn and getting up and bucking apple trees every day. I want to stay in a luxurious palace with frou-frou jewels, and proper plates and silverware, and…” Big Mac hesitated. “…a roof.”
“Sweet Apple Acres has a roof.”
“Nope! Not anymore.”
“What happened to Sweet Apple Acres?” Twilight asked, genuinely concerned (despite being skeptical that she was even talking to the actual Big McIntosh).
“Fruit bats.”
“Fruit bats ate the roof off Sweet Apple Acres?” Twilight exploded.
“Eeyup.”
Twilight sighed. “Okay. I know this is Queen Chrysalis.” Twilight glanced at Applejack. “Applejack, is Big McIntosh at Sweet Apple Acres?”
“Yep!” Applejack said, having to tune back in after she’d tuned out every bit of the conversation that had followed Twilight trash-talking Sweet Apple Acres. “He’s been there all day, working real hard to repair the roof that the fruit bats ate off of the barn.”
“Really? That’s a real thing? Fruit bats eat roofs off of barns?”
“Doesn’t it happen in ‘Apple Family Reunion’?” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
“Oh yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that,” Twilight confessed. Still, at least she knew now that Big Mac was still dedicated to his chores at Sweet Apple Acres. “Nice try, Queen Chrysalis,” she said into her cell phone. “I know it’s you again.”
Chrysalis groaned. “Ah, drat, Twilight Sparkle. You’ve bested me again.”
With that, Chrysalis hung up the phone. Within seconds, though, it started ringing again. “Man, this phone is ringing off the hook today,” Twilight muttered as she picked up the cell and answered it. “Hello?”
“Unhh, Twily!” whined a familiar voice. “I need to rent a room at the Castle of Friendship!”
“Shining Armor, why?” Twilight asked, exhausted from all the fake phone calls.
“Unhh, unhh, because, me and Cadance, you know, our castle, it caught fire and burned down,” Shining Armor whined. (Twilight had to give Chrysalis some credit—her impression of Twilight’s whiny older brother was spot-on.)
“Yeah, right,” Twilight said, not about to fall for yet another one of Chrysalis’ fake calls.
“No, Twily, it did!” Shining Armor protested. “And then Cadance ran away! Now I’m by myself, ughhhhh.” The whine seemed to last for five straight seconds.
Twilight gritted her teeth. “Yeah, right, Queen Chrysalis. Goodbye!” she snapped, hanging up.
Frustrated, Twilight Sparkle looked out at her friends. “We are really going to have to be on our game, because these villains really don’t want to be reformed,” she said, glancing at her phone and shaking her head.
***
In the meantime, Chrysalis was staring in disgust at her cell phone (which was really amazing because, again, phones don’t exist in Equestria). She couldn’t believe her calls hadn’t tricked Twilight Sparkle. Though, in all fairness, it made sense: after she’d masqueraded as Cadance on the day of Cadance and Shining Armor’s wedding, Chrysalis supposed Twilight was a lot more cautious about trusting that ponies actually were who they said they were.
“Did you really try everything?” Tirek asked, causing Chrysalis to snap out of her thoughts.
“I did try!” Chrysalis insisted. “I called and I pretended to be Big McIntosh, and I pretended to be Cheese Sandwich…” She trailed off.
“Those are the only ones you pretended to be?” Tirek pressed her.
“Yeah. Who else would I pretend to be?”
Tirek shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess that if it didn’t work once, then it wouldn’t work again. We have to figure out some way to get close to them, though.”
“I have an idea,” Cozy Glow sang, batting her eyelashes at her friends.
“What?” Tirek demanded.
“Why don’t we just walk there?” Cozy Glow suggested.
Tirek pondered this proposal. “Hmm, very interesting. Yes, I suppose we could do that…However, I was thinking of something a bit more plotting and conniving and sinister and evil.” His dark eyes sparkled with mischief.
Chrysalis’ mouth twisted itself into a grin. “Evil, that’s music to my ears,” she said.
“No, guys, we don’t want to be evil!” Cozy Glow said, smiling innocently. “We just want to take down our archrival nemesis”—her cute, innocent smile quickly gave way to a sinister sneer—“and make it so that she can never, ever, ever, ever rule Equestria again.” Cozy paused. “Is that too much to ask?”
“Of course not!” Tirek reassured her. “It’s not enough, some might say. It’s just the beginning. We do that, and then I suck the life force of everypony in Equestria!”
“You mean, everypony but us, right?” Cozy asked, looking up at the centaur with a worried expression on her irresistibly cute freckled face.
Tirek’s eyes darted around. “Um, yes, of course. Everypony but you,” he said, proud of himself for the save. “Because it feels better when we work on a team!…Bleugh.”
“Please,” Chrysalis said. “Spare me this softy, goopy nonsense. I care about one thing: ruling Equestria for me!”
Cozy Glow was getting restless, and tired of hearing her friends say how much they wanted to rule Equestria. “If we rule Equestria, I want unlimited ice cream,” she demanded.
Chrysalis shrugged (inasmuch as you can shrug while you’re a pony). “Sure, you can have all the ice cream. I will have all of the love.”
Cozy frowned, temporarily snapping out of her ice cream reverie. “But if you suck all the love out of everypony, doesn’t that just leave them flat on the ground?”
Chrysalis narrowed her eyes at the filly. “No, it leaves them suspended from a tree, in a cocoon,” she said.
“And while they’re in their cocoons, I will suck the life force out of them,” Tirek added. “So there’ll basically be nothing left.”
Cozy wrinkled her nose. “You want to rule an entire kingdom of ponies that are basically just, like, lifeless bodies?” she asked.
“I don’t care,” Chrysalis said. “It’s a long time coming at this point.” She sighed and realized that they’d suddenly gotten very off-topic. “We should go to the Castle of Friendship.”
“Why are we going to the Castle of Friendship?” Cozy asked. “Twilight’s in Canterlot.”
Tirek frowned. “Mmm, interesting point. Twilight is in Canterlot. But I still think we should go to the Castle of Friendship. We could destroy the castle, possibly be really annoying to Starlight Glimmer—”
“I like the sound of that,” Chrysalis interjected. “What’s the one thing that Starlight Glimmer hates more than anything else?” she wondered aloud, trying to conjure up all the ways that they could torture the purple Unicorn.
“I know what it is,” Tirek said, grinning maliciously.
“Yeah?” Cozy Glow said, looking up at Tirek expectantly. “Tell us!”
“She really hates, more than anything else…” Tirek paused for suspense as he looked out at Cozy and Chrysalis. “…chickpeas.”
“Chickpeas?” Cozy asked skeptically. Even Cozy Glow wasn’t afraid of chickpeas, and she was maybe half Starlight Glimmer’s age.
“Yes. She thinks they taste disgusting,” Tirek replied. Cozy couldn’t argue with that one.
“Haha, that’s great news,” Chrysalis said, laughing to herself. “I’m going to bring chickpeas to the Castle of Friendship and put them in with all of her groceries, and it’s going to be so, so, so evil.”
So the trio made their way to the Castle of Friendship (after, of course, stopping by the grocery store to purchase as many cans of chickpeas as possible), and knocked on the front door. Starlight Glimmer heard the knock from inside the castle and quickly teleported herself to the front door. She opened it and was greeted by a sage green Unicorn with auburn hair and a ladybug cutie mark. “Oh, hello! It’s nice to meet you, random pony I’ve never seen!” Starlight said chirpily.
Chrysalis (because of course that’s who the Unicorn was) was insulted, as her alter ego, Crackle Cosette, actually had met Starlight Glimmer before. However, she was glad that Starlight wasn’t suspicious of her. “Yes, exactly, I’m a random pony you’ve never seen. I’m definitely not a Changeling who just changed into this random pony you’ve never seen.”
Starlight laughed heartily. “That’s good, because I’ve seen enough Changelings for one lifetime.”
Ugh, how rude. Chrysalis was evil, and she was pretty sure she had more tact than the wretched purple pony standing in front of her. Nonetheless, she maintained her composure. “Hey, you’re Starlight Glimmer, right?” she asked, in a voice so perky and saccharine it almost made her sick to use it.
“Yeah?”
“Since you’re Starlight Glimmer,” Chrysalis said cheerfully, “how do you feel…about…these?!” With relish, she whipped out a can of chickpeas, and shoved them in Starlight’s face.
“Chickpeas?!” Starlight asked, her already pale face suddenly becoming even paler. “Aaauuuggghhh!”
As Starlight bolted away from the Castle of Friendship as quickly as she could, Chrysalis shape-shifted back into her normal self and grinned diabolically at Tirek and Cozy Glow, who’d been hiding the entire time, watching the scene unfold.
“Excellent,” Tirek said. “The Castle of Friendship is ours.”
Tirek, Cozy, and Chrysalis all stepped inside the castle, proud of their victory, even if it was just a small one. Cozy Glow noticed a telephone on the wall; she removed it from the hook and used her muzzle to dial Twilight Sparkle’s number. Twilight had since returned to Canterlot with all her friends (as much as she loved Ponyville, she had royal business to attend to in Canterlot). She was just getting settled in her throne room again when her phone rang. She answered it cheerfully, noticing that the caller ID stated that the call was coming from the Castle of Friendship (and must be Starlight Glimmer calling, rather than Queen Chrysalis impersonating some random pony like Cheese Sandwich or Big Mac).
“Hello? Starlight?” Twilight said into the phone, glad to hear from her friend. “Why are you calling? Do you have a friendship problem?”
Twilight was surprised to hear not Starlight reply, but Tirek. “Ah, there is a problem, but it doesn’t involve friendship, and it’s a problem for you, not us. We’re very happy tenants at the Castle of Friendship. But you’re not going to be a happy owner, because we are about to tear the whole thing down! Hahahahaha!”
Twilight shrugged, even though she knew Tirek couldn’t see her shrugging over the phone. “Go ahead,” Twilight said. “It’s not like I use it anymore.” (And besides, she wasn’t going to give Tirek the satisfaction of making her upset.)
Cozy Glow fluttered up to Tirek, indignant that he had taken the telephone from her, and spoke into the mouthpiece. “But what about your friend Starlight Glimmer?” Cozy asked the princess.
“Well, part of owning a castle is learning how to deal with it when your castle gets knocked over,” Twilight said dismissively. “So, let her deal with it.”
With that, Twilight hung up the phone.
Cozy crossed her forelegs over her chest. “It’s not going to be nearly as fun to do it if she’s giving us permission,” she pouted.
Tirek waved his hand at the filly dismissively. “What we need to do is focus on our task of getting to Canterlot,” he said, “and destroying Twilight Sparkle and enslaving all of the ponies of Equestria.”
***
Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle sat on her throne, biting her lip. She knew it was only a matter of time before the Legion of Doom showed up, and she desperately needed some reinforcements. She picked up her phone and called her brother.
“Shining Armor,” she said urgently into the phone. “I need you to come and bring the Royal Guard to defend Canterlot.”
“Twily, I already told you, my house burned down!” Shining Armor whined.
Twilight felt the color drain from her face. “Wait…really? That was really you?”
“Well, yeah! Who’d you think it was?”
“I thought it was a Changeling!” Twilight cried.
“Oh, Twily, I could’ve really used your help! All my belongings were still in the house! I could’ve used your magic to get them out.” Shining Armor paused. “I couldn’t do it because my magic isn’t any good. But your magic’s amazing! But because you didn’t believe me, all of my belongings stayed in there and burned up! Ughh—”
Twilight cut him off, knowing that if she let his whine drag on for as long as he likely wanted it to, then she could be there all day. “What kinds of belongings?” she asked.
“Mostly pictures of myself.”
“Oh, Shining Armor. You can take more pictures of yourself.”
“Yeah,” he wailed, “but I can’t get Cadance back! She ran away!”
Twilight sighed. “Are you sure she ran away from you? Or did she maybe run away to go get help with the fire?”
Twilight could picture the blush of embarrassment that she knew was probably spreading across her older brother’s face. “It could’ve been that,” Shining Armor replied. “I guess I don’t know for sure.”
Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Sometimes having conversations with her brother could be exhausting. “Look,” she said. “I need you to come to Canterlot.” She gave him the five-minute version of everything that had happened in the past few hours, and he agreed to come to Canterlot with the Royal Guard. Twilight was relieved. As annoying as Shining Armor could be, he was also the most loyal brother she could ask for.
Just as the Royal Guard got in their position, Tirek, Cozy Glow, and Queen Chrysalis showed up.
“I knew it,” Twilight muttered to herself as the trio approached the castle. “I knew they were going to be coming for Canterlot. We have to stop them so that we can convert them and can use their magic towards something that is good.” She braced herself and locked eyes with the group of villains.
Tirek looked down at Twilight and narrowed his eyes at her. “You have ten seconds to surrender, or we will come in there and destroy you all,” he said.
“Yep! Destruction,” Cozy said, drifting off into a fantasy that Twilight was probably glad she couldn’t see. “Ahh. Makes me so happy!”
Twilight gulped.
Chrysalis sneered evilly at the purple pony princess as she finished off the ten-second countdown. “Five…four…three…two…one…”
Twilight took a deep breath and prepared herself.
“All right, we’re coming in,” Chrysalis said menacingly.
“Unhhh!” Shining Armor whined, beginning to panic.
“Shining Armor, you and your team defend us,” Twilight demanded, but her brother remained frozen in place.
“I can’t!” Shining Armor confessed. “I’ve actually never defended anything before! I’m just going to run away! Aauugghh!!”
“No! Shining Armor, you’re letting them get here!” Twilight cried desperately.
But just before the Legion of Doom could do anything to Twilight Sparkle or her castle, they were halted by a force field.
Twilight gazed in awe (and gratitude) at the force field, made of a shimmering golden magic. “What is going on?” she whispered to herself.
A familiar voice rang out from behind Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle.” Twilight turned around to find her old mentor, Princess Celestia, standing behind her, her horn glowing with a sparkling aura that matched the color of the force field exactly. Twilight swallowed hard, as the princess did not look happy. “I came out of retirement to help fix this incredibly stupid mistake that you made of freeing these creatures from stone!”
“But—but, Princess Celestia,” Twilight stammered. “Don’t you remember when you freed Discord from stone so that he could become reformed?”
Princess Celestia sighed. “Ugh. You clearly are not ready to rule all of Equestria.” (This was her go-to line whenever Twilight made a small mistake that Celestia had to come fix; Twilight was used to it.) “You think that just anypony that gets turned into stone can be reformed? No! These ponies must stay stone forever! There’s no reforming them!”
“But—but—what if I teach them about the Magic of Friendship?” Twilight spluttered.
Princess Celestia looked at the lavender mare solemnly. “Not even the Magic of Friendship can help some creatures.”
Twilight was grasping at straws. “But, what if I tell them about the customer carryout special at Papa John’s?” she suggested. “It’s only nine ninety-nine for a large pizza!”
This piqued Tirek’s interest. He glanced curiously at Twilight Sparkle. “Did you say ‘carryout special’?”
Cozy Glow felt her mouth water. The meal they’d had earlier had already become a distant memory (even if it had been insanely delicious). “I love pizza,” she said dreamily. “And I’ve gotta tell you, I love carrying it out!”
“And I love specials!” Tirek added.
“Well, there’s a nine ninety-nine carryout special at Papa John’s!” Twilight cried, her confidence slowly returning. “You can get one whole topping on it! For a large pizza!”
“Wow!” Tirek exclaimed. “That’s at least three dollars off what we paid on that pizza earlier today! That’s incredible savings!”
Twilight smiled. “See? I told you,” she said. “Now, how does hearing about that incredible savings make you feel?”
“Well,” Cozy Glow answered honestly, “it kind of makes me want to hug somepony!”
Twilight scoffed at the pink filly. “Don’t look at me. I’ve got friends to hug. But you—you all have each other. And I don’t think you’ve ever hugged!”
Now it was Tirek’s turn to scoff at Twilight. “That’s because it’s impossible to hug me; she’s as tall as my knee,” he said, looking at Cozy Glow. If that, he added in his head.
“That’s okay!” Cozy chirped. “I can just flutter up to the top and hug your horn!” She grinned and gave Tirek’s horn a big hug. In return, Tirek reached up and affectionately patted Cozy’s bouncy curls.
Chrysalis suppressed a gag. She’d never been one for mushy nonsense. “Well,” she said, glancing at her “friends” with an air of superiority, “I don’t want anypony hugging my horn. My horn has electricity and power, and holes in it.” She glared at Cozy Glow, just to make extra sure she got the message. “Oh, and for the record,” Chrysalis added, “I don’t feel like hugging anypony at all.”
“Really, Queen Chrysalis?” Twilight asked, meeting the Changeling’s eyes. “Look deep into your heart. Feel the power of friendship. Imagine how good it is going to feel when you hand over that coupon for nine ninety-nine, and you get a large pizza just for you!”
Chrysalis swallowed hard. She had to admit that that was going to be a pretty glorious moment. “You’ve melted my heart of stone, Twilight Sparkle,” she confessed to the Alicorn princess. “A nine ninety-nine carryout special is basically—basically—I can’t even find the words to express it! This whole show should be renamed My Little Pony: Coupons Are Magic!”
Twilight smiled, feeling satisfied, and stepped back as Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, and Tirek all gave each other a big hug (though, being respectful, Cozy did not hug Chrysalis’ horn). As their group hug broke up, Twilight wiped away a tear from her eye and said, “This is exactly it. This is what I knew we were going to need. From this day forth, I hereby pronounce you, Queen Chrysalis, the Princess of Savings!”
Great. Just what Chrysalis had always wanted—to be demoted from a queen to a princess. But, she supposed she couldn’t argue. Even being a princess had to be better than being trapped in stone for the rest of eternity.
“Well, what am I, then?” Tirek demanded, jealous that Chrysalis had been given a fancy new title and he hadn’t.
Twilight looked at the centaur solemnly. “You, Tirek, are the Prince of Savings.”
“Does that mean that we have to be married?” Tirek asked disgustedly as he glanced at Chrysalis.
“No,” Twilight said. “You are an independent prince and princess.”
“Well, what does that make me?” Cozy Glow asked. “Am I also the Princess of Savings?”
Twilight frowned. “No…you’re the Princess of Being Really Small.”
“Small!” Cozy cried scornfully. “Can I at least be the Princess of Cuteness instead?”
Twilight wasn’t in the mood to put up a fight. “Yeah, fine, whatever.”
And so, from that day forth, it became the job of Cozy Glow, Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis to teach all of Equestria how to better balance their budget and get the best deals possible on pizza (and be cute). The end.
