Please Replace Me Forever
"Replace me. Please."
The changeling blinked. She paused. She blinked again. She opened her mouth, then closed it.
Finally, she spoke. "Why?"
"What do you mean, why? You're a predator. I'm prey. You don't need to care why. Just take me back to your hive and stuff me in a pod."
"Uh-huh." Her eyes narrowed. "I have to say, this is a new tack. How gullible do you think I am?"
"I'm serious!" The colt stomped his little hoof. "You can sense my feelings, right? You can tell I'm serious."
"I can tell you're serious about something. Like tricking me."
Of all things, he rolled his eyes. "Come on. You know how I feel. You know I want this. And you can probably figure out why."
The first step to getting foalnapped and replaced by a changeling is the hardest: finding one. If the princesses and the guards can't find the changelings, what chance did I have?
My biggest advantage over princesses and guards is that they need to care about safety, their own and others'.
I don't.
My teacher says that predators like to pick off vulnerable prey from the herd, like the elderly and sick — and foals. So if I made myself vulnerable enough, the changelings should come to me! The trouble is getting their attention and not the guards'.
Making myself too vulnerable, though, means that I might become prey to the wrong kinds of predators. Changelings won't save me from robbers, bullies, or manticores. Neither would anypony else. For obvious reasons, I needed to go alone.
"So, Her Majesties' Royal Guard uses foals as bait now?" The changeling scoffed. "That's low, even for them. I wish it surprised me."
"What?"
"This is such an obvious trap. If I do anything to you, you'll tell the guards."
"No I won't! I swear I won't tell!" He at least sounded earnest. "Nopony knows I'm here. I can't believe I was lucky enough to find you. You're my best chance, and I won't waste it. Believe me, telling on you to the guards is the last thing I want. I just want you to foalnap me."
"Why should I believe you? You're clearly lying."
"Wait, so you can't use your magic changeling feeling senses to tell when ponies are lying?" The colt looked genuinely disappointed. "Lame!"
"Maybe you're just stalling until the guards arrive."
"Seriously?" His hoof met his face. "I'm the one who wants to go with you right now! Do you see any guards? Hear any? Feel any? Me neither!" He frowned. "Well, not that I could feel any without your changeling magic, but you know what I mean. I'm alone."
He was.
At first, I considered putting up posters to tell changelings that I'm an easy meal. Wh-? Hey, stop laughing at me!
…it's okay. Yeah.
Yeah, you're right. It is kinda funny.
I ruled out the whole poster idea really quickly. Changelings would think it's a trap. On the other hoof, lots of ponies would poke their noses in. That's the opposite of what I want. I'd probably just embarrass myself in front of everypony and they'd laugh at me.
Even worse, some ponies would see it and try to help. Sorry Mom, more attention from well-meaning ponies is not what I need. If it was, it would have already worked by now. Just like eating better, and taking walks, and joining the hoofball team, and talking to Dr. Think Bright. I already tried all your normal solutions. You're out of ideas. They all stunk anyway.
Time to try one of mine.
"Let's pretend I believe you. Why do you want to be foalnapped?"
He stared into her eyes. "Tell me what I'm feeling."
"What?"
"Just do it."
"Uh…" She hesitated. "Frustration? Determination?"
"Yeah, yeah. And under that?"
"I don't see your poin-"
"Look closer. Or smell, or taste, or whatever. Just check again. I know it's there."
After a moment, the changeling made a face.
"Exactly."
Changelings looking for love probably go where ponies look for love, right? I think that means bars and nightclubs.
Some colts from my class snuck into one once. Maybe it makes me a wimp, but I'd sooner waltz into the front door of a changeling hive than a nightclub.
Do changeling hives have doors? Bug hives don't, but bug ponies are still like ponies. Maybe I'll find out when they take me to their hive, if I'm still awake.
Waltzing into a changeling hive by myself would be great, but I pretty quickly ruled that out. Finding one is probably way harder than finding a changeling.
Why? Well, there must be more changelings than hives, right? And I already know that lots of changelings live as ponies. Do changelings hide their hives under pony cities to make foalnapping easier, or in the middle of nowhere to avoid intruders? I have no clue.
Searching Equestria for months to find a hive doesn't sound fun. Even if I get lucky enough to find one, I might not know it when I see it. Hay, if changelings magically hide their hives then I could trot right by it and never know.
No. I needed to find a changeling living as a pony.
"You seem awfully trusting of some changeling you just met."
"Well duh. What're you gonna do, turn me in? Tell my parents? Tell the guard?" The colt smirked. "What'll you tell them? I'm sure they'll believe that I asked you to foalnap me. And I'm sure they'll be very curious when I explain why I picked you."
"You're not afraid that I'll hurt you?"
"Why should I be?" he asked, genuinely confused. "You don't need to. I already want to come with you and give you what you want."
"What if I want to hurt you?"
For the first time, a shiver of fear ran through the colt. It quickly vanished. "Pssh. Nah. You guys feed on love, not pain."
"You seem to know an awful lot about us."
"I do, thank you!" He smiled for the first time that evening. "It wasn't easy. I had to do a lot of reading. I also had to ask a lot of smart older ponies without making them suspicious. But it all paid off, because I found you! Now you can take me away forever."
No, I didn't ask anyone I know about how to find changelings myself. I wanted to, but I couldn't risk them learning my plan. No one could know. I couldn't trust my parents, my friends, or even — especially — Dr. Think Bright. They would all try to stop me. They wouldn't get it.
They'll never get that this is the best solution. It makes every- everypony happy. They get a perfect copy of me who's better in every way, the changelings get free food, and I finally get to be happy and free.
Think about it. Changelings feed on ponies' love and happiness. So when they foalnap ponies, they need to keep everypony alive and happy. But they also need to keep anypony from running away. How do they do it?
What? What did I mean that I get to be free? What do you mean, what did I mean? I meant what I said, obviously. They put me in a cocoon, seal it up, and then I get to be free.
You know, free! What aren't you getting?
Free from judging, from hurting, and from anypony making me do anything I don't want to do ever again! Free to live happily ever after. Free.
Anyway, I'm betting that the goop in those weird green cocoon things puts ponies to sleep and gives them happy dreams forever. That's why nopony escapes from inside a changeling cocoon on their own. If everypony in the cocoons were awake and unhappy, they'd try to escape. Sooner or later some of them would and we'd hear about it. But they haven't.
I already know changeling cocoons don't give ponies nightmares. If they did, Princess Luna would find them right away. She helps everypony with their nightmares, even me! Not every time, obviously, and not enough to fix everything. But she'd only need to ask a few ponies where they were foalnapped. Maybe she could track them down magically just by using their dreams!
Once she finds the changeling hive, she'd fly in and blast everyling out of her way with a bunch of cool blue laser beams! Changelings would go flying everywhere and it would be totally badflank. She'd beat them all and rescue everypony. It would be all over for those changelings.
You think a changeling cocoon could stop Princess Luna from going into dreams? Pfff. No way. Nothing can. She's super powerful. She's the Dream Princess. Hay, with her dream magic I bet she's the only pony who could escape a cocoon on her own!
Huh? Oh, yeah, I do.
I dunno. Like once a week, I guess? Maybe every two weeks? That's how many nightmares ponies normally get, right?
Thank Luna I haven't had any really bad ones recently. I don't know what I'd do if she was the one asking me about any of this. I don't think I could lie to her.
"Come onnnn," the colt whined. "At this point, it's too risky to let me go, right? I saw your pony form. Knock me out and blindfold me and let's get out of here."
"Maybe somepony is tracking you."
"If they were tracking me, wouldn't they be here by now?"
"Not if they wanted to find out where changelings keep ponies."
The colt threw his head back and groaned. "Then just take me somewhere else first! I can't believe you're being so dumb. I offer you free meals forever and you're turning me down? This is ridiculous. Did I need to sit on a silver platter?"
"No such thing as a free meal, kid. You'll learn that someday."
"Whatever." He gave the changeling a dirty look.
Wait, really? What is it?
Oh.
Yeah, I guess it's possible that changeling cocoons could just suck away a pony's life force, or even… ew. I hadn't really thought of that. But even then, I…
No, it's nothing. Nevermind.
It's nothing, really.
Hm? Sure, you can ask.
Have I ever…?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did. I considered a lot of… weird solutions. Even that one.
But I ruled them out. They would all make me, my friends, or my family feel awful. No thanks. I don't need to hurt anyone. Nopony needs to feel awful. I found a solution that will make everyone happy.
"You know what? New idea," the increasingly impatient colt said. "If a gift is too hard to believe, I'll try a threat."
She couldn't help laughing. "Oh, this should be good."
"I mean it!" He gave her his best glare. It was adorable. "Foalnap me right now or I'll go tell on you to the guard."
"Mhm. You know that I could kill you, right?"
"And start an investigation?" He snorted. "Please. For all you know, I left a note on my bed with your pony name and address on it. Replace me and check for yourself. My way means nopony gets caught."
Oh, how I did it?
I don't really know if I should…
You promise?
Alright. Even with all my reading and stuff, finding a changeling was mostly good luck. They're really good at hiding in plain sight. A changeling could be right in front of you, and you'd never even know!
Yeah, yeah, I'm getting there. In August, my parents took me to Las Pegasus on another family vacation. I snuck out after dark, even though the city lights are too bright for stargazing. I had barely left the hotel when I saw a unicorn mare walk by with some pegasus stallion she just met. While she was looking at him, she accidentally stepped on a cloud like three times without falling through!
I know it might've been a coincidence or a cloud-walking spell, but I followed them anyway. I watched them walk into the alley behind the building. I'm glad I did. When the mare thought nopony was watching, I saw her cast a green spell on him that made his eyes glow green!
I got really excited, but I still needed proof. Then she exploded in green fire and turned into a copy of him!
That was all I needed. I flew out of my hiding place and landed in front of her. When she turned back into a unicorn, she said a few words I didn't know. At least one of them didn't sound Equestrian at all. I can try to say them if you want, but I might not remem-
No? Okay. Anyway, I did a cool landing in the alley, and she transformed. She shot a few green spells at me, but I dodged them!
Well, most of them. The last spell hit me.
Okay, fine. Two of them hit me. It felt weird. I felt, like, tingly all over. I couldn't move my legs for a little while.
Huh? No, of course I didn't do that. Why would I yell for help? That would have ruined everything. Were you even listening? I'd finally done it. I'd finally found a changeling. Nothing would stop me now.
"Well, what if I don't want to replace a colt?"
"Then find somepony else who does! Er, some changeling else." The colt put a hoof to his chin and looked upwards. "What do you guys say instead of somepony? Some…change? Someling? Somebuggy?"
"Somebuggy?" The changeling finally cracked a smile.
He huffed. "Hey, it makes as much sense as 'somepony'!"
Chuckling, she said, "I guess it does." Her smile faded. "Listen, kid-"
"My name is Day Dreamer."
"-right. Day Dreamer." She took a deep breath. "Have you, uh… tried talking about your feelings with your pa-"
"Finish that sentence and I swear to Luna I'll scream so loud every guard and every princess on the face of the planet will hear me, and if you don't kill me I'll still say you tried to. I'll tell them your pony name and what you look like and where I found you, then tomorrow they'll have to scrape one of us off the-"
"Okay, okay, I get it!" The changeling quickly backpedaled, falling back on her haunches and raising both front hooves in surrender. "Bad question. I won't ask again."
"Good. Don't."
I can't wait to meet my changeling replacement. I'll tell them everything they need to know to perfectly replace me. That changeling will be a better me than I ever could.
They can make more friends.
They can remember everypony's name.
They can make my parents and teachers happy.
They can work hard instead of wasting time like I do.
They can make all the right choices in life to make my family proud.
They can have a successful career doing whatever it is I'm supposed to do.
They can make everypony love them — make everypony love me.
They can be what everypony wants me to be.
They can make me live happily ever after.
Then I can be myself, by myself.
Nopony will ever know.
I'll be free forever.
"What if…" The changeling hesitated at Day Dreamer's glare. "What would you do if none of us want to replace you?"
Day Dreamer stared. "You're joking. You have to be joking!" He started pacing. "I thought you were all supposed to be starving! My mom always tells me that beggars can't be choosers."
"You can't just turn me away. You can't! It's not fair!" The colt's voice rose, teetering dangerously on the verge of a meltdown.
"Hey, hey, I was just asking! I, uh…" she trailed off. "I'm sure we can get you in a cocoon."
"Really?" Day Dreamer sniffled. "You're not just saying that?"
"Of course not. We can definitely find someling to replace you."
Day Dreamer's face lit up in a bright shiny smile. He danced in place on the tips of his hooves. "Yes, yes, yes! Thank you thank you thank you!"
"But you have to stay quiet, okay? You can't tell anypony. And we can't do it tonight."
"That's okay," he cheerily replied. "I didn't even tell anypony I'm here. I live at 1861 Mill Street in Salt Lick City. You or some-changeling else can come foalnap me there whenever you want! Night is best, though. I'm the only one awake past midnight. Just send me some kind of signal and I'll let you in. Ooh, better idea! You can disguise yourself as my cat!"
"Leave that part to us, Day Dreamer."
Her name? You're kidding. You're kidding, right?
You're not? Pff-hahahaha! How dumb do you think I am? How dumb do you think she is? She never told me. I never asked. I didn't need to know. I still don't.
Because I know she'll still get me. If she doesn't, someling else will. You knowing doesn't change anything. Not really.
What? Uh…
…no. No, I didn't. Of course I didn't tell her anything.
"Lemme write down my address for you so you don't forget." Day Dreamer pulled out a quill and a notecard from somewhere, then pressed it against a brick wall with his front hooves. "Eigh… een… ikshee… unn…"
Scratching sounds filled the alley.
"Done! Anything else you need?"
"No, that should be plenty."
Because I… agreed to meet her again. Yeah. She said she'll meet me… at the park, on the 20th. I planned to meet her there right after school!
What? It's true!
…okay, fine. That was a lie. But I did agree to meet her next week. No, I won't tell you where. You'll never guess. It's not even in Salt Lick City.
"Alright, I'll see you at my place whenever!" Day Dreamer beamed as he trotted away, feeling better than he had in over a year. He turned back long enough to wave and say, "Have a good night!"
Bemused but amused, the changeling found herself waving back. "You too, kid."
Oh.
You're going to tell them everything, aren't you?
I knew it. I should've known you were just as bad as the rest of them. I never should have told you anything. What do you think they'll do to me?
And if I refuse?
Even in that case, I'll just try again. What, are you gonna lock me up to keep someling else from locking me up? Save me from living happily as their prisoner so I can live miserably as yours?
Oh, they have…?
The whole time?!
But you told me it was just us two! You didn't say anything about them watching. You said you wouldn't tell them anything! You- you lied to me?
Ughhhhh. Great. Just great. That makes this extra complicated, huh? I bet they'll never let me leave the house on my own again.
But they can't keep me forever.
Nopony can.
Author's Note
I want to dedicate this story to my first therapist. Whatever you're up to nowadays, I hope it's in a completely different field.
