Toaster Waffles For Lunch
"I lied. I don't own a toaster." I said out-loud to nobody.
It looked like it was around noon as my small draconian body rested atop a tree stump that was surprisingly comfortable. Lying back, hands behind my head, and a peace in my mind that was foreign in nature. That was the life.
"It was my thing, ya see?" I took a bite of a toaster waffle before continuing, "Not that it mattered. It never does."
The waffles were cold and kind of clammy, since I had no means of heating them up but my fire breath. I'd rather have cold and clammy waffles than burned waffles though, call me weird if ya like. Or handsome, preferably handsome.
"But ya know, you have to take the good with the bad." Another bite of waffle, followed by a gummy bear. "Or, bad with the good. I don't remember. Same thing, I guess."
I burped and then yawned.
"Ya think about one person's life and then compare it to yours, you'll just drive yourself nutty always trying to be more them than yourself."
The Sky was beautiful, I had never seen such an amazing shade of blue. I would almost hesitate to even call it blue, given it's beauty. Blue, i'm afraid, doesn't do it justice... Cerulean? Malibu? Picton?
"Picton. That's about as close as I know." I wasn't even close.
My emerald eyes were lost in the upside-down sea of blue, with a splattering of fluffy white here and there being my only respite.
"Horses. That's what lives here, horses." I said with a stretch. "They control the weather, their flying types do, anyway."
If it rained, pegasi, if it snowed, pegasi, if it was sunny... well, everyone will probably credit the Princess, but I'm sure the pegasi helped too.
"Probably don't get the credit they deserve. Maintaining the weather can't be an easy job."
Weather just happened back home. It was like a surprise, you never knew what you were going to get. Clear skies, rain, nuclear fallout, nuclear radiation, acid rain, ash flurry. You just never knew.
Another bite of waffle, the sun was slowly warming them up. Taking away the clamminess and coldness until they're room temperature.
"But I'm outside, nothing's room temperature..." Was it outside temperature? What even is the temperature?"
I'd seen thermometers before, I know ponies have them, but I've never seen one used for anything other than a medical or cooking reason.
"Horses. Horses are whack." I say while stretching again, taking the time to scratch the back of my head.
"So like I was saying..." I took a lot longer than a second to try and remember what I was saying earlier, until I yawned again and jogged my memory.
"Right, ya gotta take the good with the bad. Think about it, ya lose your leg in a... tragic accident." I started before finishing off a waffle.
"Ya go a few months, maybe even years just... missing a leg, and then. BOOM!" I rise up in a flash as I exclaim the last word.
"You have a new leg, just all of a sudden." I lie back down and yawn again. "Sure, you also got two new arms and a second new leg, even though all of those limbs were fine, but hey. Ya gotta take the good with the bad."
My waffles stared at me in glee. They weren't about to be shouting, I can tell you that much.
"Anyway... Homelessness."
I didn't like homelessness. Especially when I myself was the homeless party. I've contemplated living inside of people's staircases, but I'd have to get permission, I imagine.
I yawned again and decided to slide off the stump like the lazy sack I was, and take a little walk deeper into the forest with my gummy bears and my waffles.
My steps were slow and sluggish. There wasn't much of a reason to go quickly.
"I've got no where to be today." I said with a shrug.
I remembered the cure for cancer, and resolved to tell nobody but the caterpillars of the Everfree. Nobody would ever believe them. Not even Princess Luna, and she seemed pretty open-minded.
"Have I ever met her? No..."
I found a gaggle of caterpillars and whispered my secrets to them, they wiggled aggressively, and I knew it was time to leave.
Coming across a dirt road, I found a comfy looking tree and double-checked the ground around it to make sure there were no insects, and when I was sure that there were none, I stared at the ground for 20 seconds.
I often think about what it means to be a dragon. Should I have a hoard? Live in a cave? And if the answer is yes to the hoard question, must it be jewels? Could I hoard books? Cans of beans? Cars 2 dvds? Internet cringe? Gummy bears?
"I wonder, if dragons have enough bits, and are small enough to fit, would they be welcome in a pony hotel?"
Finally, I lean against the tree and like a sack of potatoes, slump down onto the ground. I was tired?
"Or am I?" I contemplated for another 10 seconds, before feeling resolute in my belief that I probably am.
As quickly as I could, which was actually quite slow, I scarfed down another waffle. It was dirty. Beggars cannot be choosers.
I was okay, for now. My eyes wouldn't open all the way, but also wouldn't stay closed. My arms were heavy, and my legs hurt.
"All going to the whirrly-bin, I tell ya. All for that there b'ot'l'o'w'r." I said as Britishly as I could.
I don't know what a whirrly-bin is. It's probably a lie, there are many. But, water, though. Water was something I thought was really good.
To think, I've watched people murder other people for clean water to drink, all while there's a hundred dollars in the next room. Some people get desperate, and they think they have to do something, when really, farming exists.
"Tomatoes, potatoes, corn, carrots... and grain... oh the grain..." A smile graced my lips at the memories.
"I once was a farmer, only grew grain though. Didn't even like grain, didn't know how to do anything with it. Apparently, you can mush it into a powder, and that's how flour gets made, but I just kept the grain as it was when I plucked it out of the dirt."
Farming is not becoming of a dragon. Dragons eat gems, not grain. That's what I was told.
"But you can sell the grain to buy gems." I'd reply... how naive.
It turns out, gems are pretty plentiful. That's part of why crime is so low among dragons, when everyone owns 700 flatscreen TVs, who needs to steal one?
"Which begs the question, what exactly are dragons doing?" I sit up and ask myself, "Collectively, we have to be richer than Equestria... what are we doing sleeping in caves, and using rocks for furniture? Is silk that hard to get?"
I heard dry water droplets hitting the ground softly. I was too tired to mind.
The wind blew past my still body refreshingly as I yawned again. The greenery of the forest and the shade of the tree were a blessing in disguise. While dragons are heat-resistant, I never much liked the sun. That's the one thing I didn't enjoy about farming. The sun would get in my eyes, and it would burn.
Something entered my vision, something purple and green and short, just like me. In the span of 500 years, I slowly looked over and saw my eyes staring back at me.
I was terrified, but not me, him. He me stared at me me with shaky eyes and an open mouth.
Somehow, I managed to work up all my energy and lift my arm to mildly wave at him, "Hi." I said softly.
This did not help, he just got more scared and ran away. I was impressed by two things.
I was impressed that he was able to run that fast on legs as short as ours. I was also impressed by how much range his voice had when I heard him start to scream.
Secondly, I am impressed by the sneaky caterpillars who, during my reminiscing, had managed to steal my final waffle. I was not going to try to get it back, they earned it, fair and square.
I can't count.
Author's Note
Behold! disaster