I've just made a grave mistake,
While barely standing here, I see it.
My head goes round, but I’m awake,
And see the body that has no spirit.
The feelings petrified in cold-blooded shock,
Yet thoughts were going in a swarm.
My heart was empty, and felt like a rock,
A natural shield for a coming storm.
Like clouds they gathered, to mourn,
My thoughts were racing to be heard.
But for a while, I stood there calm,
Just like a sad and wounded, dying bird.
But something broke, and started slowly,
The colossal avalanche of feelings falling.
I realized I saw a life that ended early,
And those feelings had left me bawling.
'How could this be', my mind had thought,
'I just can’t bear it. Not at all!'
And there I cried, with a tangled knot,
My heart that is, with no more soul.
'I stole the medicine - that I admit,
But that was for the greater good, I swear!
If they had some mercy for a bit,
I would repay it fair and square!'
'I didn’t want all this to happen!
I didn’t want them to be hurt!
All I needed was compassion,
So I could have a friend cured'
But no matter how I wanted,
To forget, and justify my sin.
And I stood there, empty-headed,
To demons losing it, within.
And as I watched them being gone,
Staring at their frightening eyes of glass.
My mind was dark – there was no dawn,
But only pain from thoughts of brass.
Like metal arrows did they strike me,
Without stopping, no control.
Like saws ripping through an oak tree,
But I deserve this, after all.
An accident, it might have been,
But I am the one who started this.
I did the wrong, it’s pretty clean,
And broke their very life to bits.
Is there no way that I could fix this?
No plea, no hope, not any chance?
Is there no way to earn forgiveness?
Because if not, I will collapse!
And as I saw them being carried,
Their last voyage in this cruel world.
When fate of theirs will be buried,
And that’s for real, word for word.
That’s when the keen-edged sword,
Has pierced me clearly to the core.
And pain increased across the board,
And weakness dropped me to the floor.
That edge that had me hurt and slit,
From iron was not it made for war.
It was a small and simple thought that did:
“They won’t have memories no more.”
Not anymore.
It’s only fair for guilt to hunt me,
It’s only due for them to come.
If hadn’t I been so much carefree,
I wouldn’t be the monster I’ve become.
I am a monster, am I not?
Even if my chest is smothered.
To save the only thing I’ve got,
I traded a life of one for other.
I didn’t notice I dropped to knees,
And felt a touch upon my shoulder.
I’d rather be left alone at peace,
but…
“Are you okay?” asked the stranger.
I shuddered at gentle nudge of his,
And whipped my broken head to see,
A face of stallion unknown.
Full of scars…
I need to flee.
Fear had chained me to my place,
Not giving me a chance to run.
He seized me in his gaze,
With a stare, that weighed no less a ton.
He pierced into my eyes, my soul like a water pool,
But look of his – it wasn’t scolding, full of hate.
No, it wasn’t angry, furious, upset or even cruel,
It was the worst – caring, kind, genuine to aid.
I felt ashamed, destroyed, obliterated.
The kindness is the last thing I deserve.
But he was still, and calmly waited,
For the reply, but my head only turned.
And after minutes, stretched like hours,
He opened mouth to scold me, or say-
“Hey! Hey you!”, a voice cut through with power,
Interrupting, from aside, stealing his words away.
In abrupt shift, the tension hung in the air again,
As I looked over, a mare stomped to us,
With fury, scandal in her eyes, and, mostly, pain,
With words like daggers making cuts.
Only up close I noticed slight familiarities,
She had under her angry gloom.
It’s Perky Ears. She works at Charity’s.
Oh no…
My sorry money is SO doomed.
“Why didn’t you help them?”, she cried,
Each word a bitter weight, a heavy stone.
“You could stop, and they wouldn’t die!”,
In her gaze, all the hurt was tied and shown.
I thought being scolded here like this,
Would ease heartache from this heavy anchor.
It did not.
My soul sank further to abyss,
As guilt and hurt flow ever greater.
Trembling under the burden made of guilt,
Wrapped tight in a chest with a titan chain.
Those were my own choices which formed a hilt,
Of double-edged blade that hurt with pain.
I felt compelled to end this torture, everything.
I cannot live, cannot endure this hell within.
It would be only fair and peaceful – perishing.
The only way to get away from this chagrin.
Now I don’t care what happens next,
My thoughts were enemies that stabbed.
But they were right. It would be best,
For everything, please, just come to an end.
But then another voice - the stallion spoke,
“Wait. Let them explain what happened”.
At that moment, the living part of me awoke,
Even if my consciousness was dampened.
Still sobbing, I cried: “I am so sorry, really!
I panicked, didn’t know what should I do!”
And broke once more in weeping feebly,
Averting eyes down, to ripped off shoe.
“My family is broke. And they’ve got very ill,
We needed medicine, so I went to find a cure.”
I murmured, recalling what went downhill,
Past events seemed like the ocean’s distant shore.
“I tried to ask, begging for help from them,”
My voice quivered, as I trembled on my feet.
“As friend of ours, they were too stubborn, when
All I wanted was support in times of need.”
“My world was crashing down the slope,
My family is everything I have got.
But then I came up with an idea, a hope…”,
Embarrassed, I trailed off in thought.
It wasn’t easy, admitting what you did,
That one little thought, that brought
So much trouble for me, a young kid…
And for other people tragedies a lot.
“What did you do?”, she sternly asked,
A lot more calmer, yet enough to daunt.
“I stole the medicine and ran”, I gasped,
Spitting all out, while thoughts went nought.
“In desperation, didn’t know what to do,
They chased me, naturally, for a while.
A-and t-then…”, I stuttered: “I-if I k-knew…”
If I wasn’t vile…
My mind was even yet to process memory,
Of what has happened there in time,
The heart was burned with a jolt - no remedy,
That will heal it from such a crime.
I was crying, bawling, weeping,
There was no end to tears.
Like a dam was broken, sweeping
Anything - any joy or fears.
I didn’t know how much time had passed,
Seconds, minutes, maybe even hours.
There is no way to change the past,
There is no way to fight the powers.
Living is torment, better not be born,
Then I wouldn’t a have soul get torn.
It would be better if I were gone!
If it were so, I wouldn’t do wrong!
This life is a big enormous storm,
Lasting eternally, wickedly long!
Some may persist because they’re strong,
I’d rather be dead, so no one would mourn!
…Except for my family. Oh… My family.
What would they do if I did… that?
This scene alone has so much gravity,
And with me gone…Oh, it’d be so bad…
A touch of hoof on my back once more,
And I looked again into stallions eyes,
Which were deeper than the ocean floor.
“While your reasons I can recognize…”
My eyes turned to her grave face again,
“It’s not an excuse for what happened,
Even if you are only half to blame…”
And grimly looked at the victim, saddened.
Then back to me, her sharp eyes somber,
“So you stay here, and don’t you dare,
To run away from here, you little robber.
Cause you’re in trouble.” She said with a glare.
“A big one, and despite the grave matter,
You will have to fix the wrong you did.”
Then she got up, and with rhythmic patter,
She struggled to others like she was hit.
“She is right, you know”, I murmured sickly.
“Maybe”, the stallion replied, “Or maybe not.”
With furrowed brows, I looked at him quickly,
“What do you mean?” What does he plot?
He turned to me, with eyes dead serious,
“Do you want to have a few more deaths?”
“Of course not!”, I gaped, “It’d be hideous!”
“Shhh!..
Then you must go”, he whispered after a breath.
What?
“Huh?”, I blinked at him after a tick,
“Oh, and you’ll need this. Quick”.
With other hoof, he passed me cursed package,
That was the reason for all this horrid damage.
The package I stole with cure inside.
“No, I cannot do this after…”, I replied.
“Yes. You can and you will,” he said,
“Otherwise your friend would be dead.”
I stared at him, my eyes and mouth wide open.
“B-but… How did you?”, I stammered, frozen.
“I try to remember folks around,” he smiled,
“Though even I am a little rusty – I’m not blind.”
“If I knew what happened, I would help,” he said
Because, you know, they too were my friend.”
But now, his sad eyes looked somewhere distant,
He sighed: “Though, I wish they could just listen.”
I waited for a long moment, then asked,
“So…You just let me run away like that?”
But at his firm reaction, I saw it was crude,
“You will go and return, for your own good.”
Why it look like I will get whacked?!?
“Do what you need to do and get back,
Else I am not sure they’ll spare you”,
And nodded to the crowd in view…
I sighed, “Why do you even want to trust me?”
He said: “I don’t. I hope that you won’t flee.”
“But why?”, I still pressed this question,
Trying to decipher his strange intentions.
And he stiffened for a moment, averting glance,
“Because everyone deserves another chance.”
I looked like the world around has darkened,
And after a pause, I asked: “What happened?”
He was quiet for a while, then met my face:
“Suffice to say, that, I was in your place.
That is why I am trying, you know, to help you,
Because...”, he struggled again with words anew.
“Otherwise, they have just died in vain…
And that thought alone brings so much pain.”
And he looked somewhere to the past, in skies,
While I just stared at him with my wide eyes.
I had the impression a big mistake that I did.
“Except with you, I saw you didn’t want to do it…
But me…I-I did…and couldn’t stop”, he admitted,
With his eyes closed, and teeth his gritted.
Wow.
In the awkwardness which came afterward,
I took my time to process what I learned.
And… In fear he’ll thump me on the place,
If I try to hurry him or quicken his pace.
To his credit, he recovered quickly: “So…?”
“I wanted to ask the last thing before I go,
That guilt and pain, how did you deal with it?”
I had an impression that he had just been slit.
But, nevertheless, smiling, he answered me:
“I didn’t, and my shoulders are never free
From that mountain. Because if I did…
I would never stop, till that was it…
Though I know one saying, that helped me live.”
I braced myself for whatever he was about to give.
And that thing he said, and gave it did:
“You do everything to make up for it,
knowing that you’ll never succeed
in getting rid of that painful guilt.
You devote yourself to trying,
to be better, again and again.
For every time you fall down,
you’ll need to stand up and fight.
If you can – forgive yourself,
but don’t forget – learn a lesson.
Because now you are in a war,
with your own inner demons,
and every day is a fight for life.
You do the right and kind things,
which others wouldn’t do.
You may feel it will never be enough,
but that is how you pay your price.
You give others another chance,
as you were given, too.”
As I sat speechless, at his speech of price,
He watched me with his old sad, wise eyes.
He kindly said like he was reading my mind:
“Now go and help your friend”, and smiled.
And then I ran because now I knew,
This was to be, for me to go through.
Now, I won’t let their death be in vain,
I won’t let guilt bring me more pain.
I will endure, and tall I will stand,
Else, if I don’t – it will be the end.
I know it would be hard, returning,
But now my heart – it was burning.
I need to pay the price, I know,
And to everyone will I show,
That there is more to me, than just my past,
It won’t go anywhere, but it has passed.
There is no time to be depressed,
I need to work to earn my rest.
I will rise from darkness, to set myself free,
Learn from my steps, craft my own destiny.
Some say our puny little lives are controlled by destiny,
But I know it doesn’t exist - our own actions forge destiny.
Author's Note
Special thanks, again, for prereading and editing most of this poem - OP - The guy. He also wrote a poem (But I consider it to be a ballad), so go check it out as well.
And, of course, special thanks to Somber for writing Project Horizons, that for the most part inspired me to write this poem.
