Cult of Personality

by CasualFanDontJudge

Rating: mature
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Trixie, Spike, Comedy, Sex, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3039

Naturally, being a young, handsome, national hero came with its perks...kind of?

Wherein Twilight and the gang consider the merits of their closest male companion in light of his status as a national celebrity. It's all purely academic, of course.

humanizedEquestriaAu!

Published 2024-11-08 09:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-11-08 09:30:01 UTC

Chapter 1

“Get a load of this, girls.”

Rainbow Dash allowed her feet to drop from Applejack’s lap as she stood to show her friends the glossy-looking magazine in her grasp. It was an issue of Crystal Empire Daily – the Crystal Empire’s premier gossip rag – Dash had picked up in one of the Crystal Castle’s many waiting rooms. Dash held the magazine high, flashing it across the room for everyone to see.

“Quite the eye sore, but most of these tabloid magazines usually are. What’s the excitement for, darling?” Rarity asked, her head resting delicately across the palm of her hand.

“Check the title!” Dash uttered impatiently, already rapidly jabbing at the garish yellow headline written across the front page.

Rarity raised an eyebrow, curiosity now piqued. She leaned in, taking a closer look at the magazine, absorbing the words and surrounding imagery. The fashionista frowned, “Is that…”

“Meet Equestria’s Newest And Hottest Eligible Bachelor: Spike The Brave And Glorious.” Starlight Glimmer intoned. She curiously studied the image of her green-haired friend they had chosen, a picture she was sure she had never seen before. Upon closer inspection, the image appeared to be taken from afar, apparently somewhere near or on a beach as the green-haired assistant's lean upper body was on full display – slightly glistening even, and his normally fluffy green bangs appeared damp, sticking flat against his boyishly pristine face. The purple trunks he bore confirmed her suspicion, but she struggled to recall when or where the image could have possibly been taken, and by whom. Starlight cocked her head to the side – privacy violations aside, for her friend’s sake, at least it had been a flattering photo they had chosen.

“What in tarnation – the boy just turned eighteen two months ago, and they’re already turning him into some sort of sex symbol over here? Do these crystal people have no shame?" Applejack spoke, disgust thickly lacing her words.

“Apparently not.” Rarity responded, still scrutinizing the candid photo of the young dragonblood from her spot across the room.

“Well, to be fair, it’s not as if tabloid magazines are known for their restraint when it comes to sexually objectifying celebrities and other public figures.” Twilight said, walking closer to the center of the room, hands crossed behind her byzantium-colored skirt.

Fluttershy shuddered, “When I was modeling, they put me on the front cover of so many magazines, I lost count of them all!” The girl’s face tinged with red, “And they always used the most…scandalous photos of me.”

“Are you girls forgetting that we’re in the Crystal Empire? Spike is, like, the most famous guy ever here! Of course they’re going to go gaga over him now that he’s an adult!” Pinkie Pie sagely stated as the others either nodded or shrugged in agreement.

“I guess he is kind of a national celebrity here – I'm just surprised it took them this long to get the ball rolling on dragon boy with how fucking nuts they go over him. I mean, I think even most of the dudes here would bend over for him if he asked, and that’s not even counting the girls – I swear, it’s like he’s practically dodging panties everytime he walks outside.” Rainbow Dash said, handing the paper to Twilight as she moved to reclaim her seat next to Applejack once more.

Twilight nodded in silent thanks to the Wonderbolt as she took hold of the magazine. She flipped the magazine open, finding the first page of actual content to read as the others continued the discussion around her.

Starlight chuckled, “I have to agree with you, Rainbow. Spike could get away with murder here! I think they might even be more loyal to him than to your brother and Cadance, Twilight!”

“Perhaps.” Twilight hummed, still pouring over the pages before her.

“He’s famous, but he’s also pretty fucking hot.” Several eyes raised, all looking in the athlete’s direction. “I mean, if you’re into that sort of pretty boy thing, I guess.” Rainbow Dash added, looking down at her baby blue sneakers, her face lightly tinged with red.

“Our guy has definitely grown into a cutie, that’s for sure!” Pinkie added, again courting several nods of agreement from the crowd.

Fluttershy’s eyes slightly glazed over, and her lips curved into a large smile, “Oh, Spike has always been so adorable, I remember when I first met him – I just couldn’t wait to learn more about his dragon-blood heritage, but I was dying to run my hands through those cute little green curls of his. They’re so soft.” The pink-haired girl shuddered, eyes shut in remembrance of all the times she had threaded her fingers through the younger man’s green locks. Pinkie Pie and Starlight, sitting to the girl’s right and left respectively, giggled at their friend’s obvious infatuation.

Rarity added a dash of cream to her coffee, lightly stirring the substance into the cup with a customary crystal spoon, “Power, darlings! Don’t forget the power. Spike was the supreme ruler over his entire race, and that sort of thing could make a girl swoon.”

Applejack snorted, “Power's a funny way of saying stacks of gems and hordes of maids at your beck and call, Rarity.” Rainbow Dash, who had taken to laying her head across the farmgirl’s shoulder, perked up, “Nah. Rarity’s kinda right. The whole dragon thing – the fire, the sharp teeth, it is pretty sexy.” Applejack rolled her eyes, but smirked as the smaller woman leaned against her once again, “I suppose I shouldn’t expect anything less from the girl who gets her rocks off to dangling thousands of feet in the air.”

Applejack cleared her throat, “I just mean, don’t y’all think you’re being a little superficial? Spike’s a looker, sure – but he’s more than a nice body and pretty face, he’s one of the most loyal, toughest guys I’ve ever known, and that’s saying something considering he grew up a city lush.” Applejack contemplatively rubbed her chin, smirking, “The fact that he’s put up living with Twilight for so long without going mental is proof enough he’s got the endurance of a saint!”

Despite the cackling that ensued, Twilight remained fixated on the magazine.

Fluttershy nodded, “He’s strong, but he’s just the sweetest too. He’s so gentle with the animals, it’s incredible! They love him almost as much as me.” Several skeptical glances were sent her way, causing the girl’s face to heat up. “Okay, maybe not that much, but they definitely do like him! Except Angel sometimes,” she backpedaled from behind her pink bangs.

Starlight watched her friend-mentor as she still stood slightly off to the side, magazine in hand, clearly engrossed in whatever it was that lined its pages. It was starting to puzzle her – what could possibly be of such interest that’d it take her completely out of the loop of their conversation? She needed to find out.

“C’mon, Twilight, dish it – what are you reading that’s got you so interested? It’s just a stupid gossip column.”

Everyone turned to Twilight, whose sense of self-consciousness had finally returned. The girl blushed, putting the magazine down, an apologetic smile spreading across her face. She chuckled, “Sorry, girls. It's just…the Crystal people seem really interested in who Spike might be dating. Apparently, they think you –“ Twilight flipped the magazine spread over, revealing another in-the-wild photo of Spike, this time accompanied by Rainbow Dash at what looked to be a gala of some sort, aimed at said athlete, “are, or were, dating.”

Rainbow Dash blinked. She stared at the image of her and Spike sitting side by side on one of the few occasions she had allowed herself to publicly wear one of Rarity’s various custom made rainbow-themed dresses, her mouth agape, “Last year’s Wonderbolt’s Gala?” Her face burned a ferocious red, “They think we’re dating because I took him to some stupid formal? Who even took that photo!?” Rainbow Dash fumed as the blonde besides her struggled to hold back her laughter.

Twilight sighed, “That’s not the only thing, look at this – they really think “Princess Twilight’s student” is trying to steal him away from you or something.” She flipped the page to another photo spread of various moments featuring Starlight and her assistant, some even from their time in the Crystal Empire itself. Starlight cringed as she viewed another photo she had no recollection of – clearly disheveled, heels in hand as she stood barefoot, one arm draped around Spike, who was trying his best to support the girl as they stumbled out of whatever event that had brought her to such a state. Starlight had to admit, for as ridiculous the situation probably was, they did look pretty good together.

Before either Starlight or Rainbow Dash could respond, Pinkie was quick to pounce, “OMG, Starlight’s trying to steal Spike from Rainbow Dash? Why would you do that, Starlight? How is that even possible!? Didn’t everyone agree –”

“What’s worse is that they think pretty much everyone he’s ever met wants to get in Spike’s pants.” Twilight flipped through the pages in exasperation, “There’s stuff about Ember in here, and Smoulder too! I think I even saw stuff about your guys’ sisters somewhere around page 10…” She closed the paper, tucking it underneath her arm. A palm met her forehead, “According to the professional psychiatrists working at the Daily, I must have a little brother complex.” Twilight groaned, shaking her head in frustration. She didn’t even understand where they could have taken that photo of them on their vacation to one of Celestia’s private resorts not too long ago. It had been one of the first times she had worked up enough courage and self-confidence to wear that specially designed yellow bikini Rarity had been pestering her about – hardly the sexiest thing in the world, at least by swimsuit standards, but naturally the photo had been taken right as her assistant had been applying sunscreen to her top less back!

“What a gross violation of your privacy! Now, do tell, what does it say about me?” Rarity hunched over the crystaline table, eyes widened, and her mouth twitching.

“Oh, uh, nothing, surprisingly…”

“WHAT!”

“Excuse me? What was that about our sisters? You mean this magazine has photos of Applebloom in it?” Applejack questioned, anger evident in her tone.

“Well, a photo. In fact, it’s just one big group photo of Spike and the girls playing together at the indoor pool back home.” Twilight responded, still sounding somewhat beside herself.

“Wait, can we go back to the whole dating Spike thing ‘cuz I –

“I just don’t get how all of these photos were taken. Some of them were clearly taken in public, but a lot them were from private occasions.” Starlight added, cutting off the flustered looking flyer as she did.

“Maybe they just asked around – got people who knew Spike, us, to send them photos from their private galleries.” Fluttershy responded, frowning.

“Oh, now I know why that guy kept on pestering me about my scrapbooks the other day! He must have been one of these parazaties –

“Paparazzis, darling.”

“Paparatties that sends these photos in!”

Suddenly, the room grew quiet. Everyone stared at Pinkie, who could only sit and nervously chuckle under their narrowed gazes. Twilight walked towards the girl, fists clenched by her sides, aiming an annoyed glare at her, “Pinkie, I thought I told you we need to keep –

“I command thee to release our lover’s phallus, at once!”

“Trixie will do no such thing. Not after you’ve hogged it this entire time, Moonbutt!”

“You dare insult your princess, you silver-haired wench!”

“What are you two even saying?”

Twilight stopped, turning to the scene off in the far corner of the room, peeved at the loud interruption. The sight of the Princess of the Night and her enemy-turned-friend Trixie tugging at her assistant’s dick in a most childish manner came into view. Luna’s right hand gripped the base of his penis, while Trixie’s left hovered an inch or so above it, still lightly pumping up and down the erect member. Twilight raised an eyebrow, “You three okay over there?”

Spike’s eyes widened in panic as they locked onto Twilight’s, “They’ve been like this since we started. I’m scared they’re gonna break something, Twi.”

“Who thought it was a good idea to let those two at him at the same time?” Starlight tsked, eyes lazily taking in the sight of Spike’s glistening dick as it popped out of her girlfriend's grip. A combination of pre-cum and saliva had caused the sheen, she presumed.

“I told you it should have been Applejack and I, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash smugly shouted, turning to observe the lewd scene with with gusto.

“No, Dash – you know what the schedule said, we can’t just…flout the rules whenever we feel like it. We need the schedule, remember? This will only work if everyone gets an equal share of him, and that’s final.” The Princess of Friendship proclaimed, daring anyone to defy her.

“Whatever.” Dash grumbled, eyes still firmly locked on the sexy tug of war in the corner.

“Oh, Twilight, aren’t Fluttershy and me next?”

“No, Pinkie, that would be Starlight and me – you’re next in line. Rainbow Dash and Applejack would be after you, and Rarity is last.”

“Oh, fuck Rarity, I guess.” Rarity whispered, seething into her coffee.

“Aw, man. Are you sure we can’t –

“No.”

“You’re a meanie, Twilight.”

“Patience, Pinkie. There’s enough for all of us, believe me – ” She shot a sultry look at her assistant, who seemed to be oscillating between confusion and arousal as the two women handling his groin had come to some sort of compromise – Trixie was lapping away at his balls while Luna’s mouth steadily descended down his shaft – “I would know.” Twilight felt her entire body warm. Shortly after his eighteenth birthday, she had taken it upon herself to guide her best friend through the complexities of adult life, including those of the romantic and sexual variety. She had made him a man, taking his virginity one night just two weeks after his birthday, much to his surprise and her joy. The look on his face when he found her laying across his bed, naked as the day she was born, beckoning the dragon to claim his princess was seared into Twilight’s mind – the shock and reluctant desire in his eyes as he struggled to make sense of the scene before him was as endearing as it was downright sexy. Twilight grinned – better he take his first foray into the world of sexual pleasure with her, in a safe environment with someone who actually cared about him, instead of with the first Crystal floozy or boorish dragoness that happened to catch his eye, pushing him into some hormone driven tryst that’d he almost certainly regret later. She would not have her friend be taken advantage of!

“In the meantime, we need to have another talk about discretion, Pinkie. Do you realize how bad of a look it’s going to be if the public finds out that the Elements of Harmony – not to mention two of their Princesses, along with several other women, are all sharing one mate? What about our families, huh? Did you think about that?”

Pinkie Pie scratched the back of her head, looking sheepish, “Well, aren’t they going to figure that out eventually?”

“Yes, of course, but they shouldn’t learn about it through the news. And the last thing I need right now are my parents bugging me for grandkids – so I don’t plan on telling them any time soon.” Twilight responded, her arms folded across her white button-up blouse, hovering several inches below her pink bow tie.

“I have a bad feeling about this, Twilight. I feel like hiding all of this is only going to blow up in our faces.” Fluttershy spoke, gaze fixed to the ground.

“She’s right, y’know.” Applejack smugly sung.

“We’ll see about that, girls. Just have a little faith in the plan, all right?” Twilight turned to the trio, “Trixie, Luna – please don’t wear him out before your turn is done, alright?”

Luna, who was straddling the taller man now, glanced at her fellow princess over her shoulder, “Aye, Twilight Sparkle. We will try our best, but be warned – it has been many weeks since we have last…gotten laid, as Rainbow Dash would put it. We may not be able to control ourselves, I’m afraid.”

Trixie detached her lips from Spike’s scrotum, shooting a devilish smirk at her former rival, “Trixie makes no promises, but she will try to keep your request in mind…maybe.”

Spike ran a hand through his hair while the other latched onto Luna’s pert and deliciously bare bottom, sighing, “Just be gentle, girls – please?”

No response was forthcoming as the princess took the first plunge onto his cock and the silver-haired witch impishly lapped away at where their centers connected.

Twilight focused her laser like gaze back onto Pinkie, “Now, where we again? Right, privacy! Let’s talk about why we don’t share intimate photos with strangers…again.”

Author's Note

I was struck by a sudden burst of creative inspiration and came up with this: my first humanized Equestria story featuring the entire gang. It's also probably the naughtiest thing I've published as of yet, and I do intend on hanging out in the darkside for the foreseeable future. This was a fun story to write, so I hope you guys have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Thank you for reading, even if you didn't like it!

The art work, although it doesn't depict Spike precisely as I imagined him while writing this story, is still one of the best drawings of a humanized Spike I've ever seen. It's by the uber-talented Kodama-sama, and can be viewed in its full glory here: https://www.deviantart.com/kodama-sama/art/Applejack-are-you-ok-263606450
I'm just glad I've finally found a semi-decent reason to use the picture! I imagine that's what poor Spike is going to be looking like by the day's end.