Asexual Deviance

Asexual Deviance

Dierum Primorum - of the First Days

Axôlú
_-_-_

Twilight One

It worked, right?

The smooth wooden floorboards of the basement pressed against my hooves. Or, at least, I thought it was my basement. I peeled my eyes open and perked my ears up.

The steady hum of magical energy filled the air. Papers were scattered about the room, books flung open to random pages, and my experiments? Broken. It would take weeks to return those back to functioning condition.

Minus the incredible mess-Spike would have to clean it up later-everything was exactly how I organized it. The communication grid was intact; the only magical dust out of place was blown away when the portal struck. Nothing catastrophic, except the checklist-worthy chaos cluttering the room.

Good! Nothing exploded, wiped the face of my Equestria, shredded the fabric of time and space, or threw us into an extra-dimensional infinite loop or some Mobius strip. No universes destroyed!

But … this was my basement; everything I already set up was still here. The portal may not have blown everypony up… but did it work?

I frowned, flattened my ears, and lowered head to the floor; it didn’t work...

I sighed, blowing magic dust from the glyphs. As I watched the glittering particles fall, a hoof touched my shoulder--a gentle hoof, pressing into my foreleg.

“Twilight, what’s wrong? Can Trixie help?”

“No,” I moaned “I spent months working on this--Months, and it failed. I shouldn’t have been so… so foolish to think I could surpass the ancient spell casters.” My muzzle pressed against the floor. My eyes watered. The portal failed. It failed.

I failed.

“Come, Twilight, Trixie will try to make you feel better… she has no doubt of her own skill.” A hoof fell across my withers and pulled me close to a warm body.

Trixie looked into my eyes and gave me a smile.

I blinked.

Wait--Trixie wasn’t in my basement when I jumped through the portal.

And she must have been the one running extra power to stabilize the portal. That meant this isn’t my universe. That meant this was Twilight 2’s universe. That meant-

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” I stretched my forelegs around Trixie, pinning her hooves to her sides. I jumped in glee with my thoroughly surprised captive, smiling wider and wider.

It worked! I, no, the three me’s were geniuses!

“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss!” This was unbelievable—incredible—fantastic—there weren’t enough synonyms! I did the first affectionate thing I could think of to the closest living creature I could find.

I kissed Trixie. Right on the lips.

“Mmmph!” Trixie’s eyes widened. My body tensed.

Oh no… I created a royally sacred bond between the two of us. We’d share an eternal magical connection. We couldn’t ever leave each other’s side. EVER! What to do, oh, what to do?

I ripped my mouth from Trixie’s and jumped back, my face flush with embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry, I-I didn’t mean to,” I stuttered, backing against the wall. My first contact with another universe, and I ruined it. The only thing worse than this-

Trixie strutted towards me with a sly grin, her eyes half lidded as she bent head forward and pressed her muzzle to mine.

“Trixie is glad to see this Twilight is just as affectionate as hers. She shall prepare a banquet. She shall invite all her marefriend’s friends to witness the magnificent achievement of Twilight Sparkle,” Trixie whispered. “…Or do you require something else from Trixie?”

I quickly teleported out of her grasp. She fell to the floor in a bungled and confused heap.

That’s what’s worse! I formed a bond then broke it! What would Trixie think of me? What would Celestia think of me?

“Did Trixie do something wrong?” A disappointed frown replaced her smirk.

“Trixie, I… I just bonded with you and… and you just…” I huddled down, shivering in panic.

“What bond? Trixie has not heard of a simple kiss binding anypony else… not that she wouldn’t love to share such a bond with her Twilight.”

“You mean… you don’t mind?” I squinted.

“Of course not, Trixie’s Twilight kissed her most frequently.”

I leapt to my hooves. “Wait--you and Twilight two are married?”

“Married?” Trixie’s frown inverted itself as she put a hoof up to her face, falling to the floor in peals of laughter, “Of course not!”

“But… that makes no logical sense, unless our universes are more different than expected,” I put a hoof to my chin. Expected or not, I needed this room cleaned. I walked up the stairs and called out to my number one assistant.

“Spike! Can you clean up the basement? I need your assistance on setting my-er-Twilight two’s experiments back up,” I walked through the open door into the library rotunda. Spike was nowhere to be found. “Spike! I need you down here!”

“Spike is at Fluttershy’s,” Trixie strolled up to me, “He was only sent for last night.”

“Why would he need to leave? Just because you’re living here doesn’t mean I’d kick Spike out. I didn’t force him out when Owlowiscius started working here.”

“Who?” something trilled from above me.

“Owlowiscius, the Owl, my number two assistant.”

“Who?”

I looked up. My-Twilight two’s owl was happily perched on the rafters.

“Caught me again, Owlowiscius,” I chuckled. I fell for that no matter which universe. “That still doesn’t explain why Spike wouldn’t be living here.”

“Spike left for his own sake, so he wouldn’t be tainted whenever Trixie cast her charm upon Twilight with her alluring fire.”

Charms? Those spells alter emotions! The simplest and most dangerous of which-

“You cast mind control spells on Twilight!” My pupils shrank.

That’s why she sent Spike away, so she wouldn’t have to worry about his interference when she controlled Twilight two! Then she sent Twilight to another universe under her command to conquer that Equestria! Would Trixie try to do the same to me?

Trixie cocked her head, “What? Of course not.” I released my held breath. False alarm. “I meant he had to leave when Trixie and Twilight got… busy…” she pointed her hoof at her crotch.

“Spike and I do a lot of work around the library, that should be even more reason for him to be here.”

“We had sex,” she deadpanned.

“Huh?”

Trixie’s gawked as she fell onto her haunches.

“I mean, I know that sex represents the physical differences between “male” and “female” variants of pony, usually determined by muzzle shape, but-”

“You don’t know what sex is?” she shouted.

I gave her an awkward smile. “No?”

Trixie shook her head and raised herself back up. She sighed. “Never mind, Twilight, Trixie will explain later. Trixie requires some fare for your meal. She desires lilies, daisies, roses, and only the finest red delicious apples.”

“Okay,” Why did she sound so… persuasive? “I’ll just make a list.”

I walked over to my desk and pulled out a sheet of parchment. I levitated a clean quill to the ink, adroitly dipping it in and bringing my inked instrument to the page. I neatly scribbled down my first item. A box with the word ‘Lilly’ inscribed next to it. The word sunk into the parchment, replaced by the picture of the desired object.

That was the self-proclaimed ‘Great and Powerful’ Trixie. Why would she return? Trixie must have learned her lesson in this universe, but she still speaks the same as she did back with the Ursa Major. Maybe the power of the trans-universal spell matrix caused a temporal anomaly that flung us far from our desired universes. No, no--I made sure the coordinates held steady throughout the process.

I marked down a box with ‘rose’ written next to it. That word too transformed into sketch of a rose.

Surely I wouldn’t force Spike out unless something really bad happened. I love him like a brother. The only reason I’d have for his dismissal would be for his protection, but everything looked fine, was there something Trixie wasn’t telling me? She told me something about ‘having sex’. That didn’t make any sense. Of course we have a sex… so how did that relate to Spike leaving?

I sketched a box with ‘daisy’ written on it.

Then I made a box for the red delicious apples.

Then I made a box for completion of the checklist, which I checked.

Then I made a box for when I finished getting the items.

Then I made a box for double checking the checklist.

I removed my--rgh--Twilight two’s saddlebags from the wall, placed them on my back, and carefully placed the newly crafted checklist inside. I cantered out the door. I’m ready to take on a new universe.

ε|> -–- <|з

“Sooooo, how was your first time?”

The rose-maned mare smiled at me from across her stand, her forelimbs on the table, framing her beige muzzle. Her eyes glowed in anticipation of her next. She strained her ears up, as if nothing could surpass such a sensational and juicy story. I was a logical pony. Not wanting to disappoint her growing interest, I made sure to word my next phrase as carefully and reasonably as possible.

“What first time?”

Her ears lowered slightly. She placed her hoof further towards me, speaking with a conspiratorial whisper while her pupils darted to the sides.

“You know, the first time, with Trixie,”

I had no idea what she was talking about, unless there was some kind of code between her and my alternate self. Twilight two wouldn’t directly associate herself with the town gossipers, I thought.

“What do you mean, first time? Has Trixie done anything with Twilight t- I mean me, recently?”

“I see The Great and Powerful Trixie has rubbed off on The Magical and Prestigious Twilight, hmm?” A pinkish mare popped up from behind the counter and gave me a half-lidded stare, complimented by an infuriating smirk.

“What? No, it’s not that, we just-“

“You just what? We all know you banged her last night,” the second, lime-maned mare interrupted.

“What, I d-“

“Daisy, she was just about to tell us how she and Trixie had sex,” the first mare glared at Daisy.

“I didn’t have sex!”

The crowd of ponies at the other stalls turned their attention towards me with a mix of anger and interest. A few peeled off their groups and listened in as I sunk below the counter, my cheeks burning.

“Oh, the horror,” a third, red coated, yellow-maned mare slid up to lay herself on the counter, eyes wide with concern.

“Come, Twilight, you don’t have to hide it. You can’t lie to us. Right, Lily? Roseluck?” Daisy leaned over the stand to look me in the eye.

“I really don’t remember Twi-myself doing anything with Trixie,” I squeaked from my exposed position.

“She looks so cute, like Fluttershy,” Roseluck propped herself over the edge.

“Wait, can you forget your first time?” Lily gasped, “That would be horrible,” she lay on her back, looking at me from upside down.

“Of course not, Lily, nopony can forget that. That’s got to be the biggest fib ever,” Daisy waved her hoof dismissively, “Tell us the real story, Twilight Sparkle,”

All three mares moved in, almost half of Ponyville following. They crowded closer, all their gazes intent on hearing whatever scandalous gossip I spouted. I attempted to compress myself into a shape of the smallest possible surface area relative to its volume. In other words, I tried to curl myself into a ball. The ponies took the opportunity to further invade my personal space. Instinctively, a pony has the mechanism to fight or flee.

I jumped up, quickly swiped the flowers from the table, tossed a few bits and charged my horn. The crowd stepped back in surprise as I teleported to my next location in a bright magenta-colored flash.

I reappeared, standing before a large stand, barrels of apples of all different colors nearby. Behind the rows and rows of apples stood an orange pony. Her rough blonde mane hung barely above her glowering eyes from under a Stetson. I didn’t want to see that scowl, especially not now.

“Hey, Applejack, how are you?” Sweat dripped off my brow from both her attitude and the magical strain of my impulsive teleport.

“I heard some mighty interestin’ things over there, Twi, and it looks t’ me as if Trixie and you got yourselves a problem.”

“We don’t have a problem, we-“

“Now sugarcube, I know a lie when I hear one, an’ if this wasn’t one, then what you said yesterday sure was,” Applejack leaned forward, “From what I heard, you and Trixie were gonna’ get it together last night. You promised Trixie you were, too. Now you go around willy-nilly tellin’ all the folk that y’all didn’t?”

“I just got here yesterday, how could I have done anything last night?” My hooves shot to my muzzle as the words slipped out. I should have told my friends about the other Twilight’s universe earlier, now it’s too late. Why didn’t I prepare? No, why didn’t Twilight two tell her friends?

Applejack’s unconvinced stare convinced me to end the conversation.

“Well, I’ll just grab some apples and be on my way,” I chuckled nervously.

“Sugarcube, I remember you distinctly tellin’ me to get help when I needed it. Now I’ll be bucked halfway ‘cross my farm if I’m gonna’ let you get away without the same,” her voice took on a more compassionate tone as her expression softened, “Come now Twi, tell me what’s goin’ on.”

“Really. I can take care of myself just fine, but I’ve got to get back to Twi-I mean my home,” I desperately hoped she would accept my excuse. I needed to get home so I could prepare a presentation on the trans-universal switch, and its potential effects. I’d have to do what I did best. Lecture.

“Well, alright, just let us know if you need anything, y’hear?”

I picked up the three red delicious and paid for them. “Thanks, Applejack, I really appreciate it,” I smiled and turned around. I barely made it two steps before I ran into a bright yellow pony.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Fluttershy, I didn’t see you there,” I rested a hoof on her shoulder.

“Um… It’s alright, but I couldn’t help but hear about you and Trixie, and I want to help,” the pegasus squeaked, moving her light pink mane out of her face.

I mentally rolled my eyes. Couldn’t I simply get some produce and leave? “I know you want to help, I just need to get home, and I’ll tell you later,” I said with a warm smile. I walked past Fluttershy towards the library, ready to end the day. And I didn’t want to keep Trixie. I was already late enough as-

“NO!” I jumped. “I mean, no," Fluttershy continued. "We need to help you. It’s not good to keep all those horrible emotions bottled up. You need help, or um, something bad could happen, I mean…”

“Nothing will go wrong, Fluttershy.”

“No, nothing except… you could keep those emotions bottled up, then Trixie would leave, then you would get angrier and angrier, and your emotions would explode, then Celestia would be called in and comfort you but you’d turn into the next Nightmare Moon and create eternal twilight,” Fluttershy rambled franticly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she bent her head down.

“Alright, I’m leaving,” I frowned in exasperation, letting out a sigh as I trotted back towards the library.

“But… but…” Fluttershy squeaked.

I heard something else from behind me…something like ‘You’re right, sugarcube, Twi really does need some help’

…No. That couldn’t be right.

ε|> -–- <|з

“Spike, I’m back. Sorry I'm late.” I mentally facehoofed, remembering his unjustified exile. I stepped through the door and inhaled the welcoming, cooked smell emanating from the kitchen. Trixie greeted me with a smile and levitated the produce from my saddle bags to the counter as I reached the kitchen.

“Trixie presumes you had an eventful stroll through the vendors?” Trixie asked while stirring a fragrant stew.

“Er… Yes,” I looked to the floor and crossed my forelegs.

“Well, are you going to recount your epic saga?” Trixie smirked.

“Well… The flower girls asked me about this ‘first time’ thing with Twilight two and you. Then they asked if I ‘banged’ you, whatever that is. Then one of them brought up ‘sex’ again,” perhaps these terms were interrelated.

“You truly have not heard of sex, Twilight?”

“As I said before, I know that there are specific distinguishing figures that we use to separate ponies based on ‘sex’, but what does that have to do with kissing or a marital bond?”

Trixie finished adding spices to the brew and sipped the mixture. She brought a hoof up to her lips and made a kissing motion. She faced me, eyes twinkling.

“Trixie shall show you, if you let her,” she said coyly as she poured the stew into two bowls. She placed an ovular pattern of newly sliced apples into the brew. “Come, Trixie has finished preparing our meal.”

I sat down at the central table, salivating as I inhaled the scent and levitated a spoon. A river of flavor flowed about my taste buds the moment the liquid touched my tongue. I moaned as I happily swallowed the sweet concoction.

“Mmm, Trixie, this is delicious, where did you learn to cook like this?” I smiled.

“Trixie has traveled the vast land of Equestria for many years, learning the ancient customs of the greatest meals known to ponykind,” Trixie reared on her legs and produced small fireworks with her horn.

I stared at her, awestruck, “Surely you couldn’t have.”

“Trixie was enhancing the truth, so to speak… and her name is Trixie, not Shirley,” she laughed. “Performance is Trixie’s great and powerful talent, after all.”

“So what’s did you want to tell me sex?” I switched topics, taking another fantastic slurp of Trixie’s brew.

Trixie sighed and closed her eyes. She re-opened them, a look of determination spread across her features. She used a spell to dim the lights, placing her forelimbs on the table. She levitated her cape and hat to her neck and head respectively.

“At the dawn of equine, there were two ponies, one an alicorn mare, and one an immortal earth stallion. They were great friends, sharing food, giving kind works, forging jokes, sticking by each other’s side, and not telling a single lie to one another,. They were the most perfect of friends, and their experiences were many. They were joyful, so joyful. Their years drew them close, very close, to the point where they were more than friends.

“They shared so much food, but they wished to share more. One day, they ate a honeysuckle, but they did not share it separately as before. They bit upon the two sides of the plant, and bit closer, and closer, until their lips met. And so began the first kiss. They pressed their muzzles against one another tightly. Soon, wanting to share yet more, they spread their lips, each letting their tongue flow around the other, eager to taste their most intimate meal. They swallowed and parted their mouths. But they realized they did not wish to end this touch there, and so they kissed again, passing the days and nights with much sharing, and they were content… for a while.

“They oft gave kind words, but their feelings could not be expressed by simple kind words. One day, they were creating new words. They came up with such words as ‘like’ and ‘appreciate’ and ‘fond’ and they were sufficient. They said ‘I like you’ and ‘I appreciate you’ and ‘I am fond of you’, but soon these words grew weary in their minds, and they needed to create a new word. They tried many variations, but to no avail. Suddenly, inspiration struck. They spoke at once, with a word that captured all their emotions. And so they said ‘I love you’ and this word never grew old. They spoke it again and again to one another, and they were content… for a while.

“They made many jokes, playing with their words and bodies, laughing with each other many a day, but they needed more laughter and play. They decided to touch each other, reaching in between their limbs, under their bellies, rubbing and brushing them all over. They called this ‘tickling’ as it made them laugh until they could no longer breathe, but they wanted more play too. They explored each other, taking light nips, kissing not just on the lips but on the body, caressing and biting and breathing with much love. They called this ‘teasing’, and they teased for play whenever they could, and they were content…-“

“And let me guess, ‘for a while’” I rolled my eyes. Who knew stories about sex were so repetitive…

“Do not interrupt the Great and Powerful Trixie while she tells her tale!” Trixie shot me an infuriated glare. She resumed, leaving me flabbergasted.

No cutting off Trixie during stories. Check.

“The two ponies were inseparable, remaining with each other no matter the time or place or activity. But they wanted to be ever closer. They lay by one another, upon the ground, but it was rocky and uncomfortable, and so they used their skill to create ‘sheets’ and a ‘bed’ from trees. They lay by one another on the bed, which comforted them, but they were still not close enough. They hugged, sharing their warmth on the bed while kissing and saying ‘I love you’ and teasing. And so they created ‘cuddling’, which drew them very close whenever they slept, and they were content… for a while.

“They promised never to tell a lie to each other, and they never did, but they wanted more truth. They sought truth from their surroundings, learning many things, but there was still something missing from them. They realized their loss. They were lonely. They wanted a young pony to take care of, to kiss and say ‘I love you’ and to tease and to cuddle with, but they knew not how to create one. And so they called upon another element, Magic.

“The earth stallion, from the ground, scooped clay, and formed it into a long shaft with a blunt tip. He formed a thin pot with more clay, placing a tiny nub on the edge of the thin pot. He gave the pot to the alicorn mare, and kept the shaft for himself. He placed the shaft between his hind legs, because there was nothing else there. She placed the pot in the same place on her own body. She cast magic into both clay figures, melding them to their bodies. They knew that this would let them have another, and they called the smaller ponies they wished for ‘foals’, which they would call the earth pony, the pegasus with wings, the unicorns with horns, and the alicorns with both.

“Then they placed the shaft within the pot, thrusting in and out of each other until a spray of the water from the clay came from the two shapes. And so, they created ‘sex’, and they were content, forever.”

Trixie stood back on her hooves and bowed.

I lightly stomped my hooves on the floor. She was talented in storytelling… but something didn’t fit.

“…that doesn’t make sense, how can they be satisfied with gaining random extremities? Celestia told me that foals are made from pure magic, not some… pot and shaft.” I waved a hoof in circles, an inquisitive frown on my muzzle.

“You will see in due time, Twilight, Trixie is worn from her epic. She will now retire to bed,” she yawned, levitating her clothes back to their rack and trudging up the stairs. I followed her into my-Twilight two’s room, and dropped onto the bed beside Trixie. My head hit the pillow, and I fell asleep.