Postage

by Gormless Wheaton

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 2642

Shortly after the Lord of Terror's disappearance, another fiend makes himself known.

His name was not important, and to the Equestrian population he was known only as the Lord of Terror.

In a single day, he brought their utopia to its knees and the brink of destruction. And in a single day, he vanished completely never to be seen again, they all hoped.

But now a far more terrible foe has appeared from no where seeking revenge for his fallen comrade.

Published 2024-12-31 10:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-31 10:50:00 UTC

They won't know what hit them

Dear Dad

It's Neil.

You're probably worried sick now that I've missed our yearly father-son fishing and go-karting trip. At least, I think I've missed it by now if months and days still line up. I've been abducted to a whimsical fantasy land by a tiny yellow magic horse.

I'm fine, but it sure did spook me.

I dunno how long I'm gonna be stuck here, so I figured I'd let you know I'll probably be late to the next yearly father-son fishing and go-karting trip.

Feel free to go without me!

Love,
Neil.

I scowled as I set the letter down and fixed the funny-looking mailman on my porch with a narrow-eyed glare. "Neil stopped taking my calls two father-son yearly fishing and go-karting trips ago. Why am I only receiving this now?"

The mailman adjusted his mustache and glasses with a hoof before shaking his head of frizzy yellow hair. "I dunno! Postage in that Equestria place must be pretty inefficient!" He declared, snapping his yellow wings out briefly. Nodding slowly, I scowled at the letter again.

"I'll give them postage. Nobody spooks my boy and gets away with it," I said with a low, menacing tone. Turning the letter over, I grabbed a pen from the table beside my door and hastily wrote a reply before handing the letter back. "Can you get this back to him? As fast as possible?" He beamed, causing his mustache to drop almost completely off his face.

"Surely-durely! American postage is way more efficient!" He replied, fixing his face fuzz. I nodded with a grim frown.

"Dang straight. Those commies won't know what hit them," I said just before the mailman flew off into the sky. Watching him vanish into the sunset, I closed my door and turned to my living room. Idly clicking my pen, I approached my coffee table, upon which lay several items that would be imperative to the coming trial.

Hey, Neil

It's your dad.

I'm on my way to pick you up from the whimsical fantasy land. Don't worry, I won't let them pick on you anymore.

See you soon!
Dad.

A bead of sweat crawled down the side of Celestia's face. Certainly, of all the things to be suddenly woken up by in the middle of the night, this was at least in the top five worst options. She blinked and considered the yellow alicorn mare who'd delivered the letter. "I-"

"Bye!" Napper chirped before scrambling under the bed. Celestia squawked and leaped to the floor, before hurling the entire bed aside with her magic, scanning the empty space it had sat upon for Napper to no avail. Slowly, she sank to her haunches and her gaze drifted to the menacing message that had drifted to and gently rested upon her nightstand. Taking a deep breath, she fixed the letter with a determined glare.

"We're ready this time."

Following the postage on the envelope Neil had sent me, I managed to track down the city he was being held in. With my coat obscuring all my self-defense implements, I strode with practiced confidence and well-restrained fury through the gates of the shiny, white castle town capital of the whimsical land that had taken my son.

Despite the alleged fey population, I hadn't encountered anything too peculiar during my trek here, but I was still on guard and scanned the cobble street and the shops on either side of it with an anxious frown.

"Ah-hah! Stop right there!" A squeaky voice suddenly shouted causing me to tense up. Looking skyward at where the voice had come from, I braced myself as a tiny purple unicorn with wings came soaring in and landed on the street right in front of me. The second its hooves touched the ground, it's horn lit up and five other tiny magic horse fairies appeared before they all fixed me with a set of stalwart glares. "We've got you surrounded!" I narrowed my eyes at it through my sunglasses as the unicorn took a daring step closer.

"We're ready for your kind this time!" It shouted, sweeping a hoof out around me as my hand slowly slipped inside my coat. "Take a look around you, Neil's Dad!" Without moving my face, I slowly scanned my surroundings with just my eyes. Sure enough, plenty more of the whimsical beasts had popped up and were now glaring my way. A few of them were wearing armor, and some reared up on their hindlegs to beat their forehooves against each other. All of them had utility belts with big, chunky pouches on.

"Everypony here is equipped with state-of-the-art high absorbency towels, sponges, and magically charged hair dryers!" The lead unicorn declared, snapping my attention back to her. I sneered and drew my weapon, earning a defiant bark of a laugh from her. "No matter how much you spritz us, we won't-"

Sssst

"Hm," she hummed before sucking in a breath and screaming. "AHHH! Pepper spray!" She fell to the ground, foaming at the mouth. The blue one beside her squawked.

"Pepper what?!" She yelped.

Ssst

"HEEEEEE." She squealed as I sprayed down her and two of the others.

"Pepper spray? That sounds delicious!" The pink one chirped.

Ssst

"AHHH! I was wrong! I was horribly wrong!" She cried before rolling into a tight, perfectly spherical ball and rolling away, leaving only the white unicorn and the other little creatures.

"Naw, to heck with this," someone from the crowd groused before they all screamed and stampeded away for cover.

"Wait! Come back, you cowards!" The white one screamed, shaking a hoof at the rest before noticing me looming over her. She wilted with a wavering whimper. "W-why are you using pepper spray?! Neil only used water!"

"Yeah, my boy can be pretty silly," I said with a sage nod before leaning in close and leveling my sprayer. "But Daddy stands on business."

Canterlot Ascension Station
Base of Mount Canterlot

Smokey Jim, the janitor of the last train station before the climb to Canterlot City emerged from the station with a broom in hoof. "Dum, dedum da dum, do da dodoloo," he hummed as he began sweeping the boarding platform.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" A scream echoed all the way down from the mountaintop, causing the mustachioed pony to pause and look up for a moment.

"Dee do dodo do, diddle diddle doo," he continued humming as he returned to sweeping.

Marching toward the castle that no doubt held whoever was in charge here, I drew no satisfaction from the sight of the little horsies scurrying and scampering out of my path, but I couldn't help but notice the small number that actually started to follow me. Scowling back at them, I noticed every single one was soaking wet, and I spotted a pair stepping out of their home with a bucket of water that they then dumped on themselves.

As we marched, we passed by a little park in which a blue unicorn with white hair and a funny wizard hat was standing on her hind legs ranting at a group of wet-haired ponies.

"The end times are upon us as was foretold in the Book of Trixilations!!" She screamed before jabbing her hoof at me. "Repent and follow the Beast of Destruction!" The crowd turned and upon spotting me galloped up and joined my throng. The blue unicorn came sprinting up and right beside me.

"Hi there! The Great and Powerful Trixie here, your most ardent and faithful prophet!" She declared, brushing her chest with a hoof and promptly tripping. Once she'd righted herself and caught back up, she beamed up at me. "I've been dabbling in fortune telling for my show and ever since your dear son-" I stopped dead and whirled to look down at her.

"You know where Neil is?" I demanded causing her to shrink back.

"No?" She murmured.

Sst

"Woooo," she heaved, clenching her eyes. She raised a quivering hoof. "Thank you, oh terrible- Mm. Trixie needs to lie down." She curled up on the ground and began gurgling. Scowling, I turned to the rest of the crowd.

"Does anyone here know where my son is?" I shouted. The wet-haired ponies considered their leader for a moment before bolting in every direction. I sighed hard and shook my head. "Plan A and the castle it is."

"So, you're Neil's father, hm?" Another new voice mused as I turned back around. Before me was now a big furry noodle with a goofy goat's head and a whole hodge-podge of other stuff stapled on. "Well, while I was unfortunately hospitalized just before your son began his rampage, I have since recovered from my stubbed toe and can now witness your path of destruction directly." I rolled my eyes and stepped up to the weirdo.

"Outta the way," I ordered, leveling my sprayer.

"Ah ah ah!" He chortled, snapping his claw finger things. My sprayer vanished in a flash of light to my displeasure. "Come now. I told you! I'm just a bystander who wishes to-" I reached into my other coat pocket and drew my back up, holding it up to him. He blinked as he considered it.

"A fresh grapefruit? For moi?" He asked, tilting his head. With my free hand, I grabbed the skin on the top of the fruit and twisted it off in one motion causing him to recoil with his jaw hanging. "Okay, so that was pretty hard, not gonna lie." As he nodded in appreciation, I turned the bare end his way and squeezed a jet of juice right into his eyes. He stood there with juice dripping from his eyes for a moment before turning and snapping his claws again. A sliding glass door with a red cross on it appeared in the air and he stepped through it.

"Hey, Discord. You stub your toe again?" Someone on the other side chirped before the door closed and vanished. I slipped the fruit back in my pocket with a humph.

"Ha ha, fiend! I have you now," came another one, drawing an angry grunt from me. A blue, winged unicorn with crazy flowing hair slammed down into the street in front of me and shot me a confident, smirking glare. "Discord may have embarrassed himself, but he managed to disarm you of your chief weapon and force you to reveal your secrets!" The unicorn stuck a hoof into her hair and rooted around for a moment, sticking her tongue out as she searched. Finally, she beamed and pulled out a pair of goggles that she immediately snapped on.

"And now I shall capitalize," she hissed with a toothy grin as she adopted a low stance. I nodded in appreciation of her scheme.

"Pretty clever! Good thing I'm a firm believer in the Second Amendment," I replied as I grabbed my coat with both hands. She blinked and tilted her head.

"The second what?" She murmured before recoiling with a wide frown as I removed my coat.

"The Right to Bare Arms," I explained as I flexed my heavily chiseled biceps. I stalked toward her beating my fist into my palm. "Now quit your belly-aching and square up, Commie." She slowly wilted as I approached before fixing me with a determined glare.

"Surely thou wouldst not strike a mare with glasses."

Everything had gone exactly as planned.

The Elements of Harmony had rallied the defenders of Canterlot, Discord had intercepted the villain, and Luna had capitalized on any weaknesses that might have been revealed during the battle should the others fail.

And while they all did that, Celestia had managed to relocate the castle's sweets stash into her private, reinforced, and thaumaturgically sealed panic room. She reclined on her bed of sponge cake with a content sigh as she rested two cookies on her eyes like cucumbers at the spa.

"Mm, a little to the left," she purred as the pony massaging her shoulders continued working.

"Okie-dokey," the mare chirped before silence filled the chamber. Slowly, Celestia's content smile melted away as she lifted one of the cookies to peer at who else was inside her private panic room. Her ear twitched when she was met with Napper's bright smile. "Hi!"

"I-" Was all Celestia could get out before the little alicorn's horn lit up and blasted the keypad to the door. Celestia sat up with wide eyes as the door hissed and then slowly opened.

"Ah ha! A secret passage," said a voice on the other side that filled her with dread. And of course, when she glanced back, Napper was gone.

"No! Please! Not that!" The white, winged unicorn I had tied up wailed as I sprinkled more grapefruit juice on her pastries. "No!!"

"Where's Neil? Talk!" I demanded, slamming my boot down on the cake I'd ruined.

"Neil? What?" She squealed before I scowled harder and moved to pluck another cake from her vault. "Bwah! Wait! No!" She thrashed and flopped onto the floor.

"Neil left! He's gone!" She cried, causing me to freeze and fix her with an astonished look.

"He's gone?" I huffed, stomping over and leaning close. "What do you mean?"

"The pony who abducted him took him home a week ago!" She wailed, causing me to recoil. She blinked and shook her head. "Did you not check his home?"

"Nah, until I got his letter I just figured he was busy," I murmured, rubbing my chin. I slowly nodded before jabbing a finger at her. "Alright, I'll go take a peek, but if I find out you lied, I'll be back." I stood up and made my way to the door.

"Well, can you at least untie me-" I slammed the door behind me.

After a pretty dull trek back home and then a quick drive down the street to Neil's house, I knocked on the door. After a few minutes, the door opened and a familiar grim and dire visage greeted me.

"Hey, Dad," Neil said with a smile.

"Hey, Neil, I was worried about you," I replied, pulling him in for a hug. "Sorry, I would've come to save you earlier, but I just got your letter."

"Nah, it's no big deal, you were probably busy," he replied as we parted. Then he frowned and pointed behind me. "Hey! You're Napper!" I blinked and turned to see a tiny, yellow, winged unicorn with red frizzy hair who looked suspiciously like my postman.

"Yep!" It chirped.

"Who?" I huffed, looking at Neil.

"That's the whimsical creature who abducted me!" He cried. My brows knit together firmly and I leveled a grouchy glare at the pony before reaching into my coat pocket. She blanched and held up her hooves.

"Before you do anything rash, I have a question for you!" She squeaked. Then she squeaked harder when I snapped out my grapefruit and blasted her in the eyes with its juice until it shriveled up completely. Replacing the dehydrated fruit in my pocket, Neil and I watched as the silly fae thing sat with her eyes partially narrowed and a tight grimace across her features. Then she burst into flames and flopped over.

"Guess that's taken care of," I assessed before patting Neil on the shoulder. "Come on, son. We've got to make up for lost time."

"Awesome. I love you, Dad," he declared.

"I love you, too," I replied.

Author's Note

Same rules as always. Sleepy and no one told me 'no.' Very high chance I won't remember posting this when I wake up later, so I too won't know what hit me.