Neighburger Hayburger

by HexedAndDexed

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, King Sombra, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie
Length: 4416

Sombra gets a job.

Sombra, down on his luck and having forced his body back into a usable form only a few days ago, has decided to turn over a new leaf. No more murder, no more slavery, and no more villainy. To accomplish this lofty goal, Sombra decides to get a normal, uncomplicated job delivering hayburgers.

This goes about as well as everyone not named "Sombra" expects.

Published 2024-11-19 01:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-11-19 01:20:00 UTC

The Job

King Sombra, former ruler of the Crystal Empire and death-defier extraordinaire, sat at a wooden desk in a well-kept office, silently watching the interviewer scan his resume.

“So, Sombra– am I saying that right?” The interviewer, a pink earth pony with an orange mane, asked.

“Yes.” Sombra confirmed.

“Right, well, I'd like to ask about your previous work experience. It says here that you were a government employee of the Crystal Empire…” The interviewer paused and squinted at the paper for a moment. “One thousand years ago.”

“Ah, one thousand and twelve, actually. I resigned just a short time before the Empire was sealed away, in fact.” Sombra said.

“Could you go into more detail on your former role?” The interviewer requested.

“Certainly. I held a fairly important position in the labor department, where I helped unemployed ponies find the role in society where their talents could be used best.” Sombra explained, a note of pride entering his voice. “It was hard work, but somepony had to do it.”

“So, you were an unemployment counselor?” The interviewer asked blandly.

“One could say.” Sombra replied, eye twitching.

“Right.” The interviewer flipped back to an earlier page of the resume. “You don't look like a crystal pony.”

“I'm.” Sombra restrained a growl. “Not. Just liked the area, you know?”

“So, a unicorn?” The interviewer asked.

“I have a horn.” Sombra replied, allowing the interviewer to make of that what they would.

“Alright. One final question.” The interviewer put Sombra’s resume down and looked him square in the eyes. “Why does a counselor from a thousand-year-old empire want a job at Neighburger Hayburger?”

“To reinvent myself, to find a new path in this tumultuous world I've found myself in, perhaps, even, to find love–”

“You can just say you're broke.”

“That too.”

Sombra knocked on the door to a large crystal castle, a structure somehow found in the rinky-dink town of Ponyville instead of the Crystal Empire. His official Neighburger Hayburger saddlebag that held the day’s deliveries had been slowly emptied over the course of his shift, and there was now only one order left. Sombra hoped he had the right building, as the order’s address line only read ‘big castle’. Sure, he hadn't seen any other castles, but would it really have been so hard to write an actual address?

The door creaked open, and a white-maned unicorn wearing a stereotypical wizard hat and cloak poked her head out.

“Has Trixie’s order finally arri…” Trixie trailed off as she realized who was standing before her. Her face went through thirty eight different emotions before landing on sympathetic understanding. “Ah. They have you working the nine to five as well?”

Sombra nodded, knowing a kindred spirit when he saw one. He used his magic to open his left saddlebag and levitate out a bag, which he hovered over to Trixie. She grabbed it out of the air with her mouth and set it on the ground.

“Four hayburgers, two medium hayfries, and a cherry hayshake?” Sombra listed, making sure the order was hers.

“Indeed. The Great and Powerful Trixie requires her nourishment.” Trixie stated, as if anticipating a comment about the size of the meal.

Sombra had planned on making such a comment, so good for her.

“Of course.” Sombra nodded, before unlatching the right saddlebag. “Your total is–”

“Yes, yes, Trixie knows the price.” Trixie procured a wallet from her cloak, from which she dumped a large amount of bits into the open saddlebag.

“Are you sure about that?” Sombra questioned, glancing down at the open saddlebag. “I believe that was twelve times the price.”

“It is called a tip, old man. Did they not have such things in your time?” Trixie asked, batting her eyelashes and appearing the picture of absolutely not innocence.

“I know what a tip is.” Somra paused. “And for your information, no, they did not have tips.”

“Then why question Trixie’s confidence?” Trixie asked.

“Tips are typically a small percent of the price, not multiple times larger.” Sombra said.

“Trixie stole Twilight Sparkle’s wallet.”

“Ah.”

Sombra delivered to Trixie the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. It was a tad concerning. Neighburger Hayburger functioned as a subscription service, where ponies signed up for deliveries in advance at pre-chosen intervals. Most customers, Sombra had been told, chose to have the company deliver food once or twice a week. Apparently, Trixie had orders for every day of the week. Sombra wondered if Trixie would've even had it delivered multiple times per day if she could've. It worried Sombra, and as Trixie’s friend, he felt the need to say something after a week of deliveries.

“Do you not know how to cook, woman!?” Sombra shouted the moment the door opened.

“Do you not know how to mind your own business, old man?” Trixie shot back, using her magic to grab the bag out of Sombra’s own.

Trixie ripped the top of the bag off and levitated a hayburger out, which she began chewing on as she talked.

“Trixie pays you well. Stop asking Trixie stupid questions.” Trixie demanded, crumbs flying from her mouth as she spoke.

“Stop being questionable.” Sombra countered.

“Bag of bones.” Trixie responded eloquently.

“Street magician.” Sombra shot back.

“Fast food worker.”

“School counselor.”

“Imagine losing to a weirdly shaped crystal. Trixie would never.”

“Imagine losing to a fake amulet. I would never.”

Sombra and Trixie glared at each other in silence for a few seconds before Trixie levitated another hayburger up to her mouth and took a massive bite.

“Trixie– mmph– appreciates you doing your research. She was getting bored of beating you so easily.” Trixie stated, taking another large bite without swallowing the first one.

“It wouldn't be fun otherwise.” Sombra replied, before shaking his head. “But, seriously, do you not know how to cook?”

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has no need for cooking. She has other people to do that for her.” Trixie answered, levitating out a large sum of bits from the wallet.

Sombra opened his money saddlebag and let Trixie drop the bits inside.

“That you do.” Sombra agreed. “Well, at least it's something healthy like hayburgers.”

“Yes.” Trixie nodded. “Completely healthy. Trixie tells everypony as such.”

“Perfect. Remember, every Neighburger Hayburger subscription in Ponyville is more money in my pocket.” Sombra said with an evi– normal grin.

“Of course. And remember, every traumatized filly is more in Trixie’s.” Trixie said, nodding seriously.

“What?”

“What?”

Sombra had been delivering to Trixie for a month when his boss pulled him aside at the start of his shift.

“Look, Sombs, things aren't looking too great, you know? Not a lot of people like Neighburger Hayburger, especially after the incident with the fountain over in Canterlot. Not like I could've known it was a memorial, and, anyway, I'm sure all those dead guys were fine with me using the space to park my wagon, but–”

“Sir.” Sombra interrupted.

“Right, you've got a big day ahead of you, don't you, Sombs? Sorry, that wasn't a question. You have a big day ahead of you. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, we may be a subscription service, but we do allow for one-time orders when necessary. And let me tell you, those Canterlot court fees are pretty necessary, unless you want to see your dear boss behind bars, and that would be horrible, wouldn't it be? So, you're gonna have a few extra orders, since it's a Friday night and everypony is off of work for some holiday or something. I don't know, it's not like we get the day off. Well, I make the schedule, but holidays are free money and, Sombs?” His boss put his hooves on Sombra’s shoulders and looked him dead in the eyes. “I really need the money.”

“Please stop touching me.” Sombra requested, trying to lean away and failing completely.

“Sombs.” His boss whispered. “I need you to get out there. Your shift started twelve minutes ago.”
–

Sombra quickly found that a ‘few extra orders’ translated to both of his official Neighburger Hayburger saddlebags being filled with orders, plus another five orders balanced on his back and three held in midair with his magic.

But, luckily, every pony in this town was an idiot. Not a single one questioned the evi— dark glow of his magic, just like none questioned the fact that he was just straight up King Sombra, no illusions or clever disguises besides the removal of his cape and crown and the addition of a delivery hat. It was convenient, certainly, but also a bit sad.

At least Trixie, for all her many, many flaws, was intelligent. He was looking forward to their conversation today, as it was the closest thing to relaxation he got. Ever. Sombra worked seven days a week, and his free time was spent sleeping in Ponyville’s park and eating the occasional undiscounted hayburger. He didn't have any hobbies, sue him. Trixie was a fun person to be around, and her daily order, while concerning, was a nice bit of levity in his schedule. Also doubled his daily income, but that was neither here nor there.

As the day passed, Sombra’s mind and then back became less strained as he delivered the orders to the residents of Ponyville. Sure, the bits bag only got heavier and heavier, but it was somehow easier on him than the weight of the hay products. Maybe it was mental, or maybe it was just that bits weighed less. Sombra didn't care to experiment.

Eventually, there was only one order left: Trixie’s. Oddly, it felt heavier than normal, but Sombra reasoned that was because his muscles were killing him. He was looking forward to those couple hours of sleep he could get before making the two-hour trek back to the hay factory. They called it a restaurant, but as a pony who’d established many factories of mindless, loveless work, Sombra could see it for what it was.

Finally arriving at the crystal castle, Sombra knocked and waited for Trixie to answer. It took a bit, but eventually the door cracked open.

“Trixie, if I read this receipt and your order got even bigger, I’m going… to…” Sombra trailed off as he saw the person standing in the doorway was not Trixie.

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes were wide as she stared at Sombra, so still that he doubted she was still breathing. Unable to think of a better option, Sombra went back to his standard customer interaction. He levitated the order out of his saddlebag, bringing it up to his face so he could read the receipt.

“Twenty-seven hayburgers, thirty large hayfries, and… six and a half hayshakes?” Sombra had several questions, such as how any of that fit into a bag the size of his head, but he knew better than to question Neighburger Hayburger. If nothing else, it explained the weight.

Twilight Sparkle did not confirm the order was hers. Sombra went so far as to bump the bag against her head, but still she showed no signs of life.

Then, a call came from inside.

“Is that the food?” A horribly familiar voice asked.

The voice of Sombra's nightmares, in fact. He dropped the bag and took an instinctive step back. Why her? Why here?

That seemed to snap Twilight out of her… thing, and she began breathing again.

“Yeah, Cadance!” Twilight called back, never taking her eyes off of Sombra. “Just give me a second!”

With that, Twilight stepped forward and shut the door behind her. It was then that Sombra noticed she now had wings, and came to the natural conclusion that he would not be making it out of the evening unscathed.

“Now, Sombra.” Twilight’s voice shook, not with the terror he was accustomed to, but with raw fury. “I do not know how you knew Cadance and Shining Armor would be here. I don't even know how you're alive. But, I am not letting you ruin my Solar Memorial Day party.”

For whatever reason, Sombra's first reaction to that was ‘wait, my boss desecrated a memorial right before Solar Memorial Day?’. Maybe it was because he didn't want to think about the wounds he'd be having to nurse for the next few days.

“Look, I know this may be surprising, but I’m good now–” Sombra was cut off as Twilight levitated him into the air.

“I don't want to hear your lies, Sombra. They won't work on me.” Twilight stated, glaring up at him.

“Well, it's a good thing they aren't lies, then!” Sombra rushed out with a frantic chuckle, feeling the magic around him increase in pressure. “I’m telling the truth! You have to believe me!”

“Actually, I don't.” Twilight tilted her head, squinting at Sombra. “I'm going to crush you into a ball now.”

“Wait wait wait–” Sombra felt one of his legs begin to bend the wrong way. “Wait wait wait wait wait–”

“Twilight Sparkle! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands you stop this instant!” Trixie shouted, poking her head out of the door.

Oh, Trixie. Sombra could kiss her.

Actually, forget he said that. That was weird and untrue.

“What? Why?” Twilight asked, pausing in the pressure increase and turning to Trixie.

Trixie tore open the bag of food left forgotten on the ground and levitated out a burger, which she began to chew on.

“There’s a weird amount of food in that bag.” Trixie noted, completely ignoring Twilight's question.

“It's… for the party.” Twilight explained, confused.

“Wait.” Trixie turned to Sombra. “Did they make a one-time order?”

“Yes.” Sombra confirmed.

Trixie growled, but not before taking another bite of her hayburger.

“Ugh, now Trixie's subscription is ruined! She has to go all the way to the restaurant to renew it, Twilight Sparkle!” Trixie yelled, turning to Twilight. “This is the worst thing that could ever happen to Trixie!”

“Um, hello? Sombra is right there–” Twilight began.

“You're right!” Trixie interrupted, turning back to Sombra with a wide grin. “Sombra, you can renew Trixie's subscription for her, can't you?”

“Sorry, but no.” Sombra replied, shaking his head apologetically. “It’s against company policy.”

Trixie frowned for a moment before giving Sombra a light smile.

“Alright, Twilight Sparkle. Kill him.” Trixie ordered.

“What!?” Sombra screamed.

He began to thrash around, but Twilight quickly reapplied the magical pressure to keep him still.

“For my own sanity, I will be ignoring the last few seconds.” Twilight stated, looking up at Sombra. “So, let's pick back up at the ‘me killing you’ part.”

“Let’s not–” Sombra felt his head begin to be forced down. “Please! I've changed, really!”

“Liar.” Twilight spat, increasing the pressure even further.

Though, it wasn't Sombra's body that took the brunt of the increased pressure, but his heart, his soul, that little part of him that kept him from bringing ruin upon all that inconvenienced him. The part he'd been nourishing ever since he made the choice to become a better person. The part used in stupid flowery language to represent how much he didn't want to murder everypony around him.

It was crushed completely.

“Sombra Blast!” Sombra screamed, letting all of his horrible emotions and, more relevantly, the dark magic they fueled loose.

Twilight barely managed to stay on her hooves, only saved by a quickly summoned barrier. Still, the focus she had to put into maintaining the barrier against the onslaught of hate caused the magic holding Sombra to dissipate, letting him drop to the ground. Trixie was not as lucky as Twilight and slammed into the crystal castle hard enough to leave cracks. Her body fell limply to the ground, and Sombra almost began to care before he remembered she'd ordered his death not more than twenty seconds ago.

“Is this what you wanted?” Sombra questioned, taking a step towards Twilight. “A monster for you to defeat? A villain to satisfy your hero complex?”

Sombra knew he'd slipped, knew he was back to old habits. He knew this would be a disaster and that, at best, he'd come out of it with another thousand year banishment. He didn't care, though. He'd hit his limit an hour ago, when a pegasus with criss-crossed eyes wearing a mailbag slammed into him and caused him to drop an order, and everything since had only pushed him even further. He was done.

Sombra charged up a blast and shot it at Twilight. Her barrier held, but shook noticeably.

“I tried to be reasonable, tried to make a life for myself. But, of course, my enemies only wish to see me fall.” Sombra ranted, firing another blast and reveling at Twilight's flinch. “It's a shame, but I suppose that’s life. Just the way things are.”

Sombra shook his head and fired the biggest blast yet. The resulting boom left Sombra's ears ringing, and the massive dust cloud it left behind informed him of a job well done.

“Well, that's that.” Sombra commented, turning to look at the rest of Ponyville. “Guess I might as well destroy–”

Twilight popped into existence in front of Sombra and tackled him. He tried to throw her off, but realized with horror that she now had the strength of an earth pony. Twilight went for his throat and Sombra let another wave of magic explode from his horn, only for Twilight to bear it with a grunt and clock him across the face. She finally got her hooves around his throat, and Sombra’s mind exploded with the desire to escape run leave get away now!

He grunted and turned into a cloud of smoke, escaping her iron grip. Sombra cackled in victory and began to flee, but froze when he remembered why he hadn't used his smoke form earlier.

The official Neighburger Hayburger saddlebags.

Twilight was standing over them, glaring at him but knowing she couldn't do anything to stop him from escaping. Sombra was not even close to Twilight in physical strength, they'd both seen that, but in terms of magical abilities the two were nearly equal. Too near for intangibility not to be a winning factor.

So, it must've been quite a surprise for her when Sombra coalesced back into his pony form and flopped onto his back.

“I surrender.” Sombra announced dryly, waving his hooves in the air.

“What.” Twilight said.

“I surrender.” Sombra repeated.

Twilight slowly walked over to Sombra, looking down at him. He matched her confused and distrustful gaze with a dull one of his own.

“…why?” Twilight eventually asked.

“Self-defense while on the clock is a violation of the Neighburger Hayburger employee contract.” Sombra answered, before lowering his voice to a mumble. “Can't believe I forgot. Classic Sombra maneuver.”

“You… I… none of that was in self-defense!” Twilight yelled.

“You tried to crush me into a ball.” Sombra replied.

“You're evil!” Twilight continued to yell, no regard for Sombra’s poor ears.

“No? I'm so not evi– opposite of good that I can't even say the word anymore. My throat gets all itchy.” Sombra said.

“How does that prove anything!?” Twilight, yes, yelled.

Sombra didn't have a good response to that and so wiggled his hooves once again. Twilight glared at him for a moment longer before she sighed and her horn glowed. Sombra suddenly felt as though his soul had just been locked in a cage. Before he could dwell on that, Twilight nudged him with her hoof.

“Come on.” Twilight ordered.

“Huh?” Sombra asked, rolling onto his side and continuing to look up at her.

“Get up.” Twilight nudged him again, except this time it was really more of a kick to the head. “You're coming with me.”

Sombra didn't exactly understand, but he got to his feet regardless. Twilight watched him for a moment, as if waiting for him to try to run away, before she turned and began to walk back to her castle.

“So, what's with the change of heart?” Sombra questioned, following Twilight.

“Stop talking.” Twilight demanded, though after a few seconds she answered his question anyway. “It's not a change of heart. I just have a party to host and dragging you all the way to Canterlot would take too long.”

Sombra supposed that was fair. Well, not really. He actually thought she was being extremely unreasonable at the moment. He hadn't even committed any crimes over the past month. Well, besides the loitering, the lying about his identity, the property damage, the tax evasion, the breaking and entering, the theft, and maybe knocking Trixie out counted? It wasn't like anypony would bother to prosecute him for that, though. Maybe they'd give him a medal.

Speaking of the mare, she was still passed out on the ground, only a few inches from the edge of the large crater now in front of Twilight’s home. He supposed that was from his big attack earlier.

Sombra, with a clear mind, felt a tiny bit bad about the series of events that had just occurred. Sure, Trixie ordered his execution, and Twilight Sparkle tried to carry out said execution, but maybe he'd been a bit too harsh…

Ah, no, you see, that was Sombra lying right there. He was many things, but a doormat was not one of them. They'd caused him harm and he'd returned the favor. Nothing else to it. The fact he'd violated his contract was unfortunate, but it was the only thing he could earnestly say he regretted.

Of course, if anypony asked, Sombra regretted every bit of it. He understood social norms.

Sombra smiled with pride at his understanding of modern society and then proceeded to watch Twilight levitate Trixie into the air and slam her against a wall.

“Wake up, freeloader!” Twilight shouted, shaking the unconscious and absolutely bruised to hell unicorn. “Wake! Up!”

“Trixie…” She groaned, slowly opening her eyes. “Trixie is only a freeloader because you do not pay her.”

“I don't pay you because you live in my house! For free!” Twilight countered.

“Well, it sounds like we have an agreement, then.” Trixie replied, getting approximately two picoseconds into a smirk before Twilight dropped her on her head.

“Sometimes, I fantasize about tearing each of your veins out one by one.” Twilight stated.

“I have a marefriend.” Trixie replied from her place on the ground.

The two stared at each other for a long moment before Twilight turned to the door.

“We are going inside, and I am rejoining my party. Sombra, I casted a spell on you that will stop your heart if you go more than two hundred meters away from me. Trixie, you are responsible for Sombra. I do not care what you do to him, and I do not care what he does to you. With any luck, you’ll kill each other.” Twilight stated, before plastering on a smile and opening the door. “Hey, girls!”

Sombra and Trixie shared a look.

“Would you like to meet Trixie's marefriend?” Trixie asked.

Sombra, Trixie, and her marefriend Starlight Glimmer were in a room on the second floor of Twilight's castle, the unusually thick door blocking out the sounds of merriment on the first floor. All three of them were taking sips from wine glasses, which Starlight claimed were filled with the hardest liquor she could get her hands on. Personally, Sombra thought it both looked and tasted like milk, but he wasn't going to say anything.

He and Starlight were seated on the couch, while Trixie was… not.

“So, how did you keep the Crystal Empire under your control for so long?” Starlight asked, before her eyes widened slightly. “Not that I'm looking to… um… restart anything. Just a question.”

“Mind control.” Sombra answered. “My turn. How do you keep Trixie under your control?”

“Jackass.” Trixie mumbled, sprawled out on the floor as if she was completely plastered. Prancebo effect or something.

“Mind control– no, I'm just kidding.” Starlight giggled at the affronted look on Trixie’s face before returning her attention to Sombra. “A relationship isn't about control, Sombra. I don't control her, and she doesn't control me.”

“Hm. I suppose I wouldn't know.” Sombra sighed. “It has been many years since I have seen my marefriend.”

“Your–” Starlight started.

“–what!?” Trixie finished, fumbling to her feet and getting right up in Sombra's face. “You have a marefriend!? You're capable of love!? You're straight!?”

Sombra narrowed his eyes at Trixie before pushing her back to the floor, where she stayed without complaint.

“I take offense to all three of those questions.” Sombra said.

“Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it.” Starlight said, sounding quite stressed for whatever reason.

“Trixie meant every bit of it, you old rat.” Trixie said, looking up at Sombra. “Maybe get your brittle bones over here and let me kick your dusty butt if you're so mad. Oldy.”

Time seemed to freeze. Sombra carefully put his wine glass down, never taking his eyes off of Trixie. Starlight stealthily began to inch off of the couch, ready to run for help. Trixie smiled.

Then, Sombra sighed and shook his head.

“I’ve got nothing, Trixie.” Sombra admitted. “You win.”

“Yes!” Trixie hoof pumped. “Trixie breaks the tie. Praise the Great and Powerful Trixie! Revere her! Idolize her!”

“No.” Sombra replied.

“Drat.” Trixie said with a sigh.

Starlight looked back and forth between them with wide eyes for about ten seconds before sighing, downing her glass, and summoning a carton of milk that she also downed.

“Screw it.” Starlight said, wiping milk off of her mouth. “Sombra, tell me about your marefriend.”

Far, far away, a thousand-year-old crystal pony got the distinct feeling that somepony was vastly overestimating their relationship. Either that, or she owed him a thousand Hearts and Hooves gifts.

“Oh, Sombra.” The crystal pony sighed, a sad but determined smile on her face. “I’ll make up for everything. Just you wait.”

Close, close nearby, a thousand-year-old umbrum unicorn got the distinct feeling that he owed somepony a thousand Hearts and Hooves gifts. Either that, or he was vastly overestimating their relationship.

“Oh, Radiant Hope.” Sombra sighed, taking a sip of his milk. “Huh. This is actually really good.”

Author's Note

Transparent sequel bait? Nooo. I'd neeeever :)

But in all seriousness, this probably is just a one-and-done thing. It was fun to write, though!

Thanks for reading, and please comment if you noticed any glaring flaws or simply wish to shower me with praise.