The Man in Ponyland

by JBukharin

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Romance, Porn
Length: 4070

The Ultimate Anon-in-Equestria Story (Not)!

You are Anon, and you are indeed a human. So, how did you wind out becoming the most awesome being in the ponyland? You have no clue.

Well, at least you got a cast of friends and foes that goes well beyond your usual cracky life.

Or: I noticed that no one took the humongous undertaking that is writing a full-on AiE MLP story involving the entire show so... Yeah, I decided to lose my mind. Updates are irregular and chapters' size shall be at my personal discretion for peak memery.

Cover Art is from: t72b

Published 2024-11-22 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-15 19:07:15 UTC

Arc 0: The Beginning of the Origin

Arc 0: The Beginning of the Origin

Your name is Anon, professional mansplainer.

And you just woke in a wet grassy patch that isn't your cozy bed. And you are wearing the usual black suit with the eons-old red necktie.

Upon closer inspection, you also notice that you are nowhere near home. Way too green, and the air was too dastardly clean.

Where's the cold suburbia that you waged your soul in spending your life in after taking a soulless job away from home? Where's the early morning philosophical debates with the prostitute living across you? And where is Jim the raccoon?

So many questions and little sight-related hints on how to answer those. Actually, all you can see from afar is a big ass forest and a small village nearby.

Civilization! Maybe this is merely the result of one too many beer bottle at the usual Saturday's attempt to drink and forget.

You definitely forgot how you got here. Still, your mother didn't nurture a quitter. She just vanished outright and left that job to your creepy uncle.

Now, ignoring your traumas, you make it to the village. And you realize the houses are way smaller than you thought. Not smurf-small, but either you were dealing with hobbits or non-humans.

Booze may have either sent you in a new colorful dimension, or you overdosed on your buddy Jeff's chocolate edible cookies.

There's definitely life around, but they are all hooked up behind the doors. There is a lot of fearing against you.

As a green-colored man of 5 foot 3, and 62 kilos of pure couch potatory this makes your dick longer.

Then reality kicks in as several short horses came barreling at you, tackling at you as if it was Wrestling.

You feel compelled to RKO one of those in the process.

The equine assholes wears golden armour (which you are sure is for them to compensate for being shorts) and starts shouting random shit.

"Seize the ape!"

How dare he! Or she! Or whatever!! You are not an ape, you are mentally superior to the average monkey!

'If only you could show by applying in school,' some teacher actually told you that a while ago. They didn't know better.

One of the lil guards even starts spanking you for no reason. You also are not sure why, but you can't say if you like it or not (damn you, Uncle Tim).

Eventually the ambush ends with the gang bringing you to their leader.

You are not sure if they picked this Princess Celestia because she is tall, has both wings and horn, or if she has the fattest flank around, but she sounds apologetic and kinds of give you the bureaucratic apology blowjob.

If a real one could be applied to the complex diplomatic equation.

As the sole human in this world, you receive immunity. And a house. And a monthly untaxable income.

You are now a firm believer of Sunbutt, and while the guards give you the dirtiest glares, their boss loves the pet name.

Also, the place is called Ponyville, Equestria, and talking ponies are now a thing.

Life is indeed weird and you are clearly dimensionally displaced into a new land with new rules.

At least you are still Anon the Human, and life is about to get crazier.

Author's Note

AN

Should this be a Regular story or RGRE (Reversed Gender Roles Equestria)?

Also, will Anon bone? Is Rainbro gay? Is Fluttershy Anonsexual? And will Twilight Sparkle lose her virginity before becoming an eternal virgin hag?

And lastly, can the Author obtain the supreme guru gigachaddus 69 brain rot this story is promising him?

Possibly. Stay tuned to see more crackiness at work!

Arc 0: Is it June already?

Arc 0: Is it June already?

Your name is still Anon, tactical green monkey.

You are now settled in Ponyville and, despite common misconceptions, you can handle the local populace's fear of you. Especially since it turns into a game of patience.

Eventually somepony brave enough is meant to 'stand up' to your tyranny of existing on this pure land.

And as the brave pony cometh, so does your urge to check the calendar if it is June already for this one gives you strong Pride feelings.

Rainbow Dash, the 'Bravest Pony in Equestria' (allegedly) and the Best Flyer Ever (legally), challenges you.

You feel your masculinity challenged. As a child of mankind, if something admittedly cuter and smaller dares you to a bet, you have to do some comedy movie shit to prove your dominance. In the name of utter sigma.

The competition is simple: it's a game of chess. Turns out you share something with the multi-colored Pegasus - you both suck at chess.

Still, she accepts and stakes are set: you win, you get to call her Skittles, and if she wins, you have to leave and accept her as the straightest mare in Equestria.

You may have questioned her straightness, and she took it very personally.

Still, banter ensues during chess. Turns out that she can approach the average Jet's mid speed with her wings.

You question God, and then you realize he doesn't exist here since there are other gods like Princess Celestia.

You will to ask upon the glorious Sunbutt why the swift gay pride symbol is able to do such a feat without self-destructing. You refuse magic as an answer.

In these dire moments, however, you try your hardest to suck less than Rainbow Dash.

After three hours, some foul play from both sides (you eat pieces while Rainbow moves them by tricking you into looking away by mentioning Sunbutt mooning on you), and your bellies craving lunch, you win.

Skittles is now her name, but she's not too mad about it. After all, she came to kick your butt thinking you were a big mean monster.

She promises you to come back soon as she leaves (since she wants to show you some cool tricks) and also tells you she's fixing the misunderstanding in town so you can actually... Socialize.

Ugh.

As Rainbro leaves after that and you waste the rest of the day at home, you end up drawn to bed at night.

Another day away from home and... Another round of worshiping the moon. That's what name you gave to the odd wet dream as of lately.

Usually you don't dream licking snatches but fucking them with your legit 1mile long pussy destroyer, but this time you are indeed slobbering over some juicy blue ponut.

You don't see the owner of said buns, but she doesn't seem to mind getting a healthy dose of Anon Lovin' through some cunnilingus.

The moans confirm whom you classified as Moonbutt (for her Moon Ass Tattoo) is indeed enjoying your in-depth cunt-tonguing.

The end results is explosive.

Oh, you still get the average pussy squirting on your face, but then it's like you get slapped back to reality and back to your bed.

It's another day in Equestria and, like the day before, you start it with the taste of victory on your tongue.

If victory was the name of pony pussy.

Author's Note

AN

This is set a week before season 1 so Anon can get to know most of the locals, set up boundaries and dynamics and... Seduce Luna as she found his dream approachable but she is getting sexually pleased in the process - and as a mare longing for gratification, she is all for that.

Arc 0: Ponk Pone!

Arc 0: Ponk Pone!

You are Anon, Straightest Human on the Pony Planet.

Yesterday you dabbled in games with Skittles, now you are stuck doing the one thing your kind if mostly unprepared for: socializing.

Well, sort of.

You kind of approach town, trying to appear normal. Which is difficult considering you are the only biped around and every quadruped still regards you as a potential threat.

The mayor lady was more understanding, mostly because she realizes you are literate enough to handle your documentation and be enough civilized.

But she seethes she can't tax you.

After the trip at the town hall, it is time to fill your belly, and salad isn't your objective.

You crave sweet tempting sweets, especially with the big ass sugary construction around the corner.

The ponies around tense up a bit but don't care as you march confidently like a boy that learned that diabetes is a lie like Santa and the Queen of Holland.

You strut to the counter, asking for the best cake around and you hear multiple equines gasping in shock.

Beyond the counter, the pinkiest pony greets you with big growing blue eyes full of innocence and surprise.

"Cake? Chocolate, Vanilla or-"

"Chocolate with two layers of milky whipped cream, a glaze of vanilla sauce on top."

Her lips curl in the biggest smile ever. If not more. You feel reality finally greeting you.

"Okie-Dokie. Take a seat as you get your surprise cake, Nonny!"

She bolts out of sight to the kitchens before your brain picks up that you didn't tell her your name.

Then again, everything here was crazy enough to ignore it. So you sit down at one of the free table, and you think of the cake.

The specific order was about the last happy birthday you had- which unfolded before your student debt story arc and before you got kicked out by your uncle's home.

A nice cake... Which soon materialized as the pink mare was back with that and more.

"SURPRISE!"

You half jump as the mare squeaks very loudly, ponies around join to what feels to be a sudden party. One with some banners and writing that said 'Welcome Anonymous!'.

You want to say that you are pleased with it, and with the ponies, but your attention is aimed at the cake. It looks just like that one from back then.

Reaching for a spoon, you got a bite and you could tell it was the same. Your eyes water, and the pink one frowns briefly and then a strange sad look appears on her face.

"Did you... Like it?"

You hug her, she squeaks but then giggles. You are sure she isn't doing that because she felt that strongly about it.

She is just hiding your sobbing with her cheering all the while hugging you some more.

You learn her name is Pinkie Pie, and you decide she immediately is in the top five favorite ponies, right above Rainbro and below Moonbutt.

You chat a bit with her and she is quite the quirky pony. Soon you are on your way back home and you spend the day thinking that maybe this place is not bad.

Then the night comes and you find yourself into another intense wet dream.

This time, you get a proper glimpse of Moonbutt. She is an alicorn (or a pegacorn as the name is cooler in your mind) and she is very happy of getting her snatch dicked.

Pony pussy is surprisingly intense, but you can't say much since you legit never dicked a human woman.

Likewise, you can tell Moonbutt is unsure if monkey dick is better than pony dick since she was a virgin- used to be as she bled a tiny bit and kind of had aches until she got the dick-bouncing right.

The ensuing cloud-breaking sex in front of the full moon in front of a real full moon gives you some vivid memories to remember forever.

You are still unsure if this was a dream or not. On the one hand, a dream means that you are still a human virgin.

On the other hand, you don't have the skills to Houdini out of child support like your childhood friend Demetrius's dad did with his family.

Especially since there is a chance she may be magically OP like Sunbutt and could magically make you a woman the 'painful and wrong way'.

Still, you live the dream for the next day things will see you...

Clothed~.

Author's Note

AN

Beware the Ponk One!

For she will kiss you nighty-night~.

Arc 0: Finely Cloth'd

Arc 0: Finely Cloth'd

Anon here, still the sexiest beast on Equestria.

Today would have been fine if not for the fact your fancy jacket had been torn apart. Well, not fully, but there were cuts all over your pants.

Them cheeks do be too strong of a game, you blame.

So, you decide to heed the pink one's advice and seek the 'Rarity'.

You always thought the ponies had a bit of a two name thing going on for them. Turns out that the owner of Carousel Boutique was actually embarrassed of her last name.

Belle.

Rarity Belle just had a bad sound to it. Also, it may be because she is fashionably insane.

In fact, as soon as you step into the place, you notice some details your savvy and professional businessman mindset (which is goofy as fuck) picks up on the spot:

Lots of clothes, not so many customers.

It is also quite important to say that, in your stay in Ponyland, you learned that the little horses go around full commando.

Only a rare few go around with some outfits.

Hell, as soon as your eyes find Rarity, you also have a big question as...

Why is she going nude too?

Like, you are not one to go around asking people why they go pussy out, but you have this silly notion that a clothes-maker should wear something to show off their skills.

Be a walking advertisement, shit like that.

"Oh my, if it isn't the peculiar creature from afar. Good day, Anonymous and... Welcome to my humble shop!"

There is nothing humble here. You can literally see some shiny gems and the clothes looked top-quality. That already set up Rarity as a bit of a liar, but you are good in being a liar yourself as...

You can't help but feel this was a mistake. Sure, you get a basic income check each month, but you didn't come here to just pick a single copy of your outfit.

With winter being a bitch with those clothes, you needed some new fits for all seasons. And definitely more boxers.

You can use one for so long before the stains become worrying.

Thus, you go straight to the point and explain what you need and yet omit the fact some of the underwear malfunction is caused by suspiciously real nightly depraved occurrences.

Her blue eyes widen astronomically as she could tell this was a big money opportunity.

Your wallet cries as you pat it comfortably. Its ass was gonna get gapy very soon after all with the list you have to pay for.

Rarity gets your measurements first.

Using magic and tape to get all your curves noted and memorized for the wardrobe you asked her to do. Your cake is tapped twice but, thankfully, it is not 'romantically'.

And while this happens, she starts asking stuff about your own life.

It feels like doing shit at the barber shop, with her going over simple stuff like:

"How did Ponyville treat you, darling?"

"I so much hope the Princess didn't appear too protective with her response, darling."

"I see, so your body lacks fur to cover your modest. Now I see the need for clothes. How fascinating, darling!"

She was quite enchanted by the topic surrounding humanity.

In a way, you can't fault her about the topic. A world of primates needing clothes? It was possibly the world of riches a mare like her craved in her wildest dreams.

A place where her business would indeed be on top of the games. You even mention some brands like Gucci and Versace.

And it was through this exchange that you took notice of a curious thing about Rarity: while she usually kept acting prim and proper, she truly sounded like a little kid when it came to fashion.

It makes this new friendship pleasant as, despite going through two grueling hours of trying out fabrics of various colors and texture, you kind of land with a good cost to pray.

"You sure? It looks so little-"

"None of that, Anonymous. I know you will be a frequent customer, and you are a friend," Rarity assured.

"Thanks Rares. And it's Anon."

She huffs at your informality but smile nonetheless.

"Oh, silly Anon! Fine, but don't expect me to be so improper in public. A mare can be so impolite so much, darling."

You leave with your new pants and the promise the clothes will be done at the end of the week.

As you return to your house, you also contemplate employment through the local businesses.

You already asked Pinkie about it, but she said her bosses weren't hiring so... You needed the local orchard for opportunities.

Not today as you go home, change in your new boxers and...

You have quite the dream.

You thought that the roses by the bedside was a symptom of the cheesy noble-classin' Rares flaunted but-

"We were waiting for thee, beloved~!" The nightly mare huskily hummed, blue eyes burning with passion.

Nope, feels too real and too out of your kinkiest dreams. That being said, papa likes it.

Pony pussy winking at you with as much eagerness as its owner to get a lengthy dicking, you are pitching a mighty tent that answered your question.

You are going to tap that Moon bakery. You are going to them buns very hard

And it was indeed a long night greeting you both as the passion makes for a tiring and enthusiastic confirmation that sex with your Moonbutt is the best.

Author's Note

AN

Two more mares and then it is time for canon start. Next up is Applejack, then... Fluttershy. Rapey or quiet cuddleslut? Oh, the dilemmas! :raritydespair:

Arc 0: Gettin' Sweaty

Arc 0: Finely Cloth'd

To your greatest surprise, you are still Anon (allegedly). Then again, you can't miss the chance to be what the women wants. Or mares.

Whatevs! Lingo is really getting on your ape-like nerves.

As you have gotten your nice new wardrobe, it is time to get stinky doing the one thing that you used to loathe and now you may get used to just dislike a bit: working.

Truth be told, working isn't bad. If you are paid... well. Or at all. Actually, there's something like workers' rights or did someone ban them too back home?

Hmmm, troublesome memories. TIme to get back to what you were doing - AKA getting a job at the only place where you can find a job as far as the Ponk One could tell you.

Sweet Apple Acres is pretty much the 'big boss' of Apple businesses in the entirety of Equestria. You heard of Apples? Then you heard of THE Apples.

You give it a thought on how you are thinking it to be. Maybe it's a bit Mafia-ish, but you have to agree that it does feel weird to imagine the biggest producers of apples in the entire nation of Equestria is a farm maintained by three ponies.

You are a monkey of skepticism, and you decide to see if Pinkie had told you the truth. Turns out, she kind of did and...

DAYUM!

You get to meet Applejack, and you feel like your transformation has peaked.

Now, recent days have made your tastes on women change. Sure, if you get nightly sexy time with random night pony that seems to appreciate the proper dicking of a masterful monkey, you can only grow to appreciate the ladies of this land.

Even worse to consider, you never banged human women. Maybe this was God's way of telling you that this was the way.

Or maybe Satan felt a bit trolly and now you are getting set up to like horse puss and the Devil is having a fat giggle downstairs in Hell.

Still, Applejack- let's keep the focus where it matters. The plot- Her plot.

Dear lord, you have seen booty and asses, but never once you saw a rear like that. It wasn't the biggest (the honor of that kind of achievement was shared by Moonbutt and Sunbutt), but it was by far the most 'HD' you have seen. And when you mean HD, you mean it wasn't too fat, but it wasn't boney. It was muscle, but not too much.

It was a perfect butt. Perfect size, perfect curvature, perfect to-

Actually no, you never got to touch that booty. Not because you lacked in will and had any common sense around such a lovable gal as Applejack who seemed to really get into hanging out with you for being, you know, a tall biped that could technically fetch apples without needing to kick them off a tree.

The primary hurdle of touching dat butt was made by two entities: siblings.

The first one appealed to your survival instincts for Big Mac was many things (a quiet stallion, a tall dude, a chill guy, a bit of an engineering nerd), but he was also a very good big brother. And one that immediately had you seized up with a single sentence.

"If ye do something wrong with AJ, ye will not see the next day."

The longest sentence you will get out of such jolly red stallion who really cares for his sister and could easily break your body with a single kick.

Yet, surprisingly enough, this wasn't the mightiest deterrent.

Boy, that privilege was claimed by someone tinier, cutier, and extremely innocent.

"Mr. Anon, ovah there!"

Little Applebloom. Goddang, you can feel any interest you may have in ogling the bountiful orange hills dry away at the thought of corrupting a child. Or a filly.

Out of the three Apple siblings, AB is the one that stuck to you the most. Maybe it's because you are tall, or maybe it's because you are awesome.

Since she likes to latch onto your shoulders and say stuff like- "Look, Mac, Ah'm the tallest now!" and you can tell God had indeed entered the chat and punished your horny mind.

That being said, the job is good. You get paid a reasonable amount of bits per activity rather than on a monthly basis, and since Equestria doesn't recognize part-time as a real job matter, the money can't be taxed.

You can tell you are on the path to really throw hands with the Pony IRS in due time, but you are just glad that you get money, stuff, and friends to have fun with.

And, most important of it all, you get your nightly kinky hours.

You may not be tapping the sweet ponuts in town, but you have gained quite a curious bed-fellow. Tonight was especially interesting since you are not fucking at first.

Oh no, you are doing something very unexpected- you are cuddling with the Moonbutt.

Usually that's for later, but you kind of feel still sore after several hours of picking apples off trees, then carry around caskets full of those to the barn, and then deal with AB's antics.

Moonbutt doesn't say much, something something 'you are so musky~' and shit that sounds hella weird but lowkey hot with the way she says those.

The sex is surprisingly tender, you kind of mentioned to Moonbutt how you are a bit tired for working a lot.

"A most unexpected surprise, but fear not, our good lover. The Moon shall be generous to you as we feast under my light."

Indeed, there is always a big bright full moon on top of your heads as it is just the two of you doing it naughtily. And, without any surprise by now, you wake up still sore but overall glad you didn't have to work for today.

What you didn't expect, however, was being asked to check on a distant resident who may end up becoming quite interested with you and your... 'hyooman biology'.

Author's Note

AN

Flutters is next! Will she be a cutiepie, or a hornypie? You decide... nah, JK. She is going to be sweet with a slice of horny. She is, after all, a loner that needs to 'scratch the itch' from time to time.