"Regrets, I Have a Few..."
Fluttershy vs. Dazzlings (It Only Swims to Reason)
Six high school girls stood on a dock near Canter City, looking glum.
"Good going, I guess," Rainbow said. "I mean, I guess it does defeat the villains. It just seems...kind of drastic."
Twilight peered over the side of the dock, trying and failing to see into the ocean water's depths. "It's ironic, really."
"Well, how was I to know?" Fluttershy lamented. "I just thought I was releasing them back into the wild. Into their native habitat. I thought this might be their last chance to find a good kind of happiness. Joy in something other than being utter bitches. It should have been a perfect plan!"
"Maybe you should have cut the ropes, before you pushed them off the end of the dock?" Rainbow said. "It's just...they aren't exactly Trixie. Trixie probably would have LIKED someone tying her up and throwing her into deep water."
"Fluttershy, how did you tie up and kidnap all three of them?" Twilight wondered. "Didn't they at least try to fight back?"
Fluttershy blushed. "I might have...let them think it was a weird sex thing. That it would be fun. They hardly even complained at all, about my tying them up and heaving them into the back of my car."
"They didn't fight back at all?" Rarity marveled.
"Maybe they were intimidated by the lion, tiger, and five gorillas who I brought along for muscle," Fluttershy admitted.
Pinkie Pie gazed hopefully at the ocean. "Maybe the Dazzlings are ok! Sirens are from the ocean, right? Maybe they can breathe water. Maybe they're just hiding down there, waiting to PRANK us by jumping up and yelling, 'Boo!'"
Treading water beside the dock, Applejack shook her head. "Ah got a real good look down there, and they're dead as horseshoe nails."
"Are you sure?" Fluttershy pleaded. "Maybe they're just...taking a nap."
"Ah'm sure. If they were alive, the crabs chewin' on them would definitely wake them up."
"Maybe they just really like crabs," Fluttershy said.
"Fluttershy. Crabs are literally eatin' the Dazzlins' FACES off. If they don't mind that, they're DEAD."
Sunset sighed. "It's not your fault, Fluttershy. You've never been a creature from one world who was living in another. You didn't know that if you've learned to swim in ONE kind of body, that doesn't mean you know how to swim in a DIFFERENT kind of body." Sunset put an arm around Fluttershy's shoulders. "You poor girl. I know you didn't mean to kill them. I know you thought you were doing a good deed."
Fluttershy clenched her fists, and screamed at the heavens. "It's not fair! As God is my witness, I thought sirens could swim!"
Addendum
Little Known Dazzlings Fact! The Dazzlings were actually dead until PostCrush, by trying to use time loop magic they did not understand at the Starswirled Music Festival, accidentally brought them back to life with a 'free do-over.'
This mini-chapter was inspired in part by a 'very special' Thanksgiving episode rerun of an old sitcom, (spoiler clue to how sitcom episode ends) "WKRP in Cincinnati."
But also by a lot of speculation about Equestrian sirens in the Equestria Girls world, not least "Reflect a Broken Gem" (link).
No Pizza
"What do you mean, drowning the Dazzlings was only the THIRD-WORST thing you've ever done?"
Fluttershy sighed. "You know how hard it is to get a pizza delivered in Canter City these days?"
"Delivered?" Rainbow scratched her head. "Oh, yeah. That used to be a thing, didn't it? Like music that you bought at the store on plastic discs, and phones that were stuck to the wall, and people riding horses to school."
"That's my fault."
"What, people riding horses to school? Or people NOT riding horses to school?"
"No, that you can't get a pizza delivered in Canter City anymore."
"How is that YOUR fault?"
Fluttershy sighed. "I was just a little girl, and I didn't know any better. I was upset because some of my wild animal friends kept trying to eat some of my other wild animal friends. And sometimes, succeeding."
"I guess that WOULD kind of suck."
"So I had an idea. I thought, what if I could teach a dangerous predator to...change her lifestyle?"
"Change it how?"
"I got some rolls of quarters, and I had a talk with Fluffy--"
"'Fluffy?'"
"She's a mountain lion, lives in the forest next to Canter Acres."
"Oh."
"So one night, to save the birds and the bunnies, I showed Fluffy how to use a pay phone."
"I feel like you just skipped a few steps."
"I thought, if Fluffy could use a payphone, Fluffy could order a pizza, and eat that instead of other animals."
"And...this worked?"
"It took me a while to teach Fluffy how to put coins in the slot (by using her lips), and how to press the buttons with her paws. But all the delivery places have touch tone order systems, so at least you don't have to talk!"
"I...see."
"At first, it seemed like it was working ok. Fluffy said pizza was SO delicious!"
"I'm glad to hear it."
"But then...Fluffy started getting horrible tummyaches. Turns out, she was lactose intolerant."
"That sucks."
"So Fluffy decided she could...skip the middleman."
"What does that mean?"
"Fluffy decided she would just order a pizza, and eat the pizza delivery worker instead of the pizza."
"Not cool!"
"I know! Eating people isn't nice at all."
"So you told her to stop doing that, right?"
Fluttershy winced. "I tried. I tried SO HARD. But that wasn't enough to save pizza delivery. Fluffy promised to stop, but by that time, other animals had learned from Fluffy how to order pizza too."
Rainbow thought for a moment. "I can see how the pizza restaurants might stop delivering to the suburbs, out by the forest. But what about everyplace else? Like downtown! Canter City can't be full of wild animals. I would have noticed. Wouldn't we have noticed?"
"Most people don't see them. The foxes and coyotes and wolves who sneak into downtown at night are VERY sneaky. And there's also the alligators who live in the sewers."
"The sewer gators are real?"
"They are VERY real. And they wouldn't stop eating people, either. I asked them very nicely, but no luck. They said pizzeria workers just taste TOO good." Fluttershy sighed. "There's just something extra delicious about people who work with all those herbs and toppings and so much pizza grease. So you can't get pizza delivery in Canter City anymore.
"And that..." Fluttershy sighed again. "...is the second worst thing I've ever done."
I Can't Even Write This One, It's So Scary (Fluttershy Doesn't Eat a Hamburger)
One day, Rainbow Dash started to bite a hamburger in front of Fluttershy...and paused. "I just realized. This is made from a cow. And cows are your friends. Does that mean I shouldn't eat it in front of you?"
"Um...it's fine, I guess."
"Are you sure?"
"It's funny you mention eating hamburgers. Or NOT eating hamburgers. Because I never told you about the WORST thing I've ever done."
"You ate a burger?"
"No. I started PETA: People for the Equestrian Treatment of Animals."
"Oh."
"And I personally, as president of the organization, offered to pay the overdue water bills for some poor people in Detrot, to stop their water from being shut off, if they would go vegetarian for a month."
"That was you?"
"Yes, that was me."
"So what happened?"
"PETA got a lot of news coverage."
"That's...good, right?"
"You would think so? But no."
"Why not?"
"Millions of people got very angry, and said, how DARE you tell poor people you'll only pay their water bill if they go vegetarian? The angry people said I was being SO MEAN!"
"Well. Um..."
"So millions of people all across the country said they would buy and eat MORE meat themselves, just to punish PETA for being mean to the poor."
"Huh. But at least the people who were angry at you for being mean to poor people...they stepped up and paid those poor people's water bills, right?"
"So far as I know...no."
"Huh. Why not?"
"I don't know. Maybe because that would make too much fucking sense?" Fluttershy sighed. "Anyway, that's the single worst thing I've ever done."
