For the record, starting a podcast is not necessarily a good idea.
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For the record, starting a podcast is not necessarily a good idea.
"...okaaay, the light's blinking, so that should mean this baby's recording. Check check, sound check, bananas fly sideways on Tuesday. Hmm... no, maybe try this... and... the princesses accidentally obliterated a preschool with cosmic rays. ...alrighty, that's better, the sounds comin' through a-okay. Sweet, I think we're all good to go."
"We most certainly are not."
"C'mon Octy, this is gonna be great."
"I respectfully disagree."
"Look, I spent a lot on this new mic setup, and-"
"And so you saw fit to squeeze said setup into the only small dry space in our house?"
" ...and I gotta get my money's worth out of it before I invest in it any more."
"What, and your definition of 'getting your money's worth' is for both of us to squash in here, so you can clown me out to the collective masses for a meagre pittance? You really want me to debase myself for your... ugh, 'content'?"
"You know, you really gotta lighten up, Octy. This'll be a blast, you'll see."
"Well hip-hip-hooray, aren't I the lucky one?"
"See, that's more like it. A smidge of positivity will make this whole thing go smoother. Besides, you're way too pretty to be so gloomy."
"Oh please, Vinyl. You only butter me up like that either when you want to go out clubbing, or when you want to get me back to the bedroom. Which is it on this particular occasion?"
"Neither, babe. We're adding a third choice to the list."
"Oh, goody goody gumdrops."
"So like I was saying, we're recording now, but I can snip out all the rough bits before throwing this up online. For the sake of keeping things simple though, let's try and do it as much as we can in one good take. That all sound muy bien?"
"Superb. So you'll edit out anything that makes me sound foolish?"
"Only when it's an accident. Or if the censor police would stamp it out anyway."
"How chivalrous of you."
"And anything you wanna say before I talk us in?"
"I want a divorce."
"We're all outta tequila, so no can do."
"I'll settle for lime juice then."
"Maybe after. Any questions?"
"Can I say [BLEEP]?"
"Nope."
"[BLEEP]?"
"Nope."
"[BLEEEEP]?"
"Maybe."
"'Bugger'?"
"Definitely."
"Will you have to edit those last few questions out?"
"Probably."
"Okay, very well, you may proceed."
"Alright, let's do this. Ahem. Three... two... one... Yo yo yo, what is up everypony? Bienvenidos and welcome to The Drop, I am your host, the one and only master of beats and queen of remixes, DJ Pon-3!"
"Your modesty knows no bounds."
"Darn right. But for those of you who only know me by my stage name, right here we'll be chilling out, having a nice relaxed kinda vibe, you know? So allow myself to introduce... er, myself..."
"Very eloquent."
"...yeah, uh. Well, I'm Vinyl Scratch! DJ extraordinaire, renowned across Equestria and beyond and basically just an all-around awesome pony."
"Do all well-renowned DJs sing Foalz Bop in the shower?"
"Anyway, you fine equines and other creatures galore might be wondering what the scoop is here. What the great DJ Pon-3 might be wanting to talk about so much that she makes a whole podcast for it. Insider information on the music scene, mayhaps?"
"’Mayhaps?’"
"Well the truth is, you can all hear my music. It's the language of my soul, my emotions given tangible life. But it doesn't always get across the words in my head the way I want it to. So here I am, in a convenient package delivered directly to your earholes. Me talk, you listen, capiche? But it's not gonna be anything stressy. We're just gonna chill and chat about whatever comes to mind. No pounding, no bass drops, no blinding lights or mosh pits. Just... this."
"Question?"
"Answer."
"Very funny. You said no bass drops, but the podcast is allegedly named 'The Drop'. Can you clarify?"
"And as you might have been able to figure out, I'm not alone here in the studio."
"Studio? This is our linen closet."
"A very special, if reluctant, guest and/or co-host. She’s my partner in life, my muse, my favourite cellist, and my numero-uno critic."
"That last one cannot possibly be overstated."
“Everypony, meet my wife, Octavia!"
"Hello hello, yes, I did in fact agree to this, though I cannot entirely explain why. I'm starting to believe I have taken leave of my senses."
"Can't explain what? Why you agreed to do this podcast, or why you married me?"
"At this precise moment in time, both."
"Then let me answer both: because you love me."
"I agreed to do this podcast because you cornered me in the kitchen and wouldn’t take 'no' for an answer."
“Details, details. The point is, you’re here! And we’re gonna have some fun, we got some real primo content lined up. But first, Octy, why don’t you introduce yourself to the listeners?”
“Very well. As my wife Vinyl so eloquently said, my name is Octavia. I am a classically trained cellist, in fact I am first chair cellist for the Canterlot Philharmonic Orchestra."
"Translation: she plays fancy music for ponies with too much money."
"Oh you think? That, coming from somepony who makes computer noises for ponies who think glowsticks are a fashion statement?"
"Ooh she pulled the reverse-Uno on me!"
"Yes indeed, I daresay I've had enough practice now. I mean, for the past... well, it's not pertinent to dwell on how many years we've been together, but-
"At least four."
"...I beg your pardon?"
"We've been together at least four years."
"...you know what, let's just go with that, shall we? Well, for at least four years, Vinyl and I have been a couple. Last year, Vinyl proposed to me while we were visiting Manehatten, and we were wed only just last month in a rather lovely ceremony in our home town."
"Yeah, that was a sweet party."
"It was, rather. You do look dashing in a tuxedo, I must say."
"Don't I just? But yeah, you guys see this right? Well, hear this, I guess. There's a reason I wanted Octy here. She has this mellow vibe, this classy air that really balances out my... err..."
"Chaotic nature?"
"Exactly!"
"Well, 'balancing out' the chaos that follows so naturally in your wake is a full-time career in itself."
"Woah Octy, one episode in and you're already dishing out the sickest burns, left right and centre."
"I am simply giving the ponies exactly what they want to hear, my love."
"Right on. Don't be fooled though, she's a real sweetheart when the recording stops, the lights go out, and the bed starts rocking, if you know what I mean folks."
"Did... did you just wink at the microphone?"
"So! You fine ponies may have been wondering, exactly why would the great DJ Pon-3 decide right now that she wants to start doing a podcast. As much as I wanna give you some deep, profound explanation, the truth is that Octy said something so ridiculous the other night that I literally couldn’t function for a solid five minutes."
"Are you sure you're not overselling it?"
"Trust me, they’re gonna love this. So, let me set the scene: it’s a perfect night. We’re in the garden, stargazing, and-"
"You were stargazing, I was reading."
"Again, details. So the sky is like, crazy clear, as if the weather ponies just went and lost all their clouds, right? So clear that Octy could read a book just by moonlight. And I'm lying there on the grass with Octy next to me, and I'm thinking about all the deep questions that go through your brain when you're looking up at the stars and you've spent the last hour drinking whiskey sours."
"Yes it was over the course of an hour, but I should point out: you had two."
"Questions like: 'What's out there?' and 'Do the stars have their own beats?' and 'Maybe I could start working on some cosmic-themed tunes and release a space-themed album?'"
"Yes, very deep questions indeed."
"And then, just out of freaking nowhere, Octy drops this line. What did you say again?"
"I err... I couldn't possibly remember."
"Yes you could."
"I forgot."
"No you didn't."
"You know I say an awful lot of profound things, I can't possibly be expected to remember them all."
"Tell them or I will."
"You can't remember either."
"So she was ignoring me for like, a solid twenty minutes, right? Then she just looks up and says 'Vinyl my dear, the infinite expanse of the cosmos is like an eternal ballroom, where the stars dance across the sky in a great, celestial waltz'."
"Oh... ouch... your Trottingham accent is physically painful."
"You're not impressed that I remembered that word-for-word?"
"Any capacity I had with which to be impressed was effectively neutralised by that terrible impression. Besides, I thought it was a rather apt metaphor."
"Metaphor?! It was a whole freaking novel! I mean, who actually talks like that?"
"Not to state the obvious, but clearly I do. Because I said it."
"Anyway folks, that's when I knew I had to get her voice out there. Let more of Equestria hear what she's got to say. Because damn, does she say it freaking hilariously."
"Charming."
"So, we'll start with these."
"With... wait, what are these?"
"Cue cards."
"Cue cards? And what, pray tell, do I need cue cards for?"
"Just read the words out."
"Fine... 'Ah-loo-min-ee-um'."
"Pfft, you see what I mean? See? That! I mean, you actually added a letter into that. Do all ponies from Trottingham add extra syllables to words for fun?"
"No, I didn't, and no we don't. It's not my fault you misspelt it on this card, I'm simply saying it with the correct spelling."
"It's 'ah-loo-min-um'."
"Do all Ponyville ponies drop syllables from words for fun?"
"Next card please!"
"I get the feeling this is going to get worse as we go along."
"And I make no promises one way or another."
"Okay, this next one isn't fair."
"Hmm?"
"Because this one actually is an odd pronunciation, at first glance."
"At first glance?"
"Well if you understand the Prench roots of the word, and how the spelling has shifted but the pronunciation remained similar, then it makes a bit more sense."
"Quit stalling and get reading."
"If I must. 'Shed-yule'."
"Again, so weird! It's 'sked-yule', you can see the 'c' right there after the 's'."
"You know, you could stand to learn a little about etymology, if for no other reason to spare us from further discussions of this nature."
"Yeah but this is too much fun. Next card!"
"Oh joy, I'm just a monkey with an accordion to you, aren't I?"
"Next card please, wifey dear."
"Ever the suck-up... well now this one is just ridiculous."
"Is it?"
"'Boy'."
"Actually it's 'boo-ee'."
"The 'y' is preceded by two vowels, and you honestly wish to tell me that ponies in Equestria are content to treat it as a third vowel?"
"And you're telling me that ponies in Trottingham are really running around shouting 'watch out for the boy in the water' and all the parents on the beach don't have to start immediately checking to make sure they know where their colts are?"
"Okay, let's try an exercise."
"I'm all ears."
"If you were to describe an object by its ability to float on water, what word would you use?"
"Err... I know this one..."
"Keep thinking, I can hear the gears turning."
"Is it... floaty?"
"The correct word is a tad more scientific. Here's a hint, it starts with a 'b'."
"Buh... buh... bouncy? Oh, wait, buoyant!"
"That took some effort. And how many syllables are in the word 'buoyant'?"
"Two."
"And if you were to say the two syllables separately, as two standalone words, while maintaining the pronunciation of each syllable, what would the first word be?"
"...okay moving on."
"Ah-hah, you have been bested in verbal combat."
"Look, it was a stupid word anyway."
"I just changed your perspective, didn't I?"
"Next card, por favor."
"It's okay, just make sure that bit doesn't get cut out."
"No prometo nada."
"You only shift to Sponish when you're getting flustered. Gosh, you really are so like your mother."
"Dios mio..."
"She was an emotional mess during our first dance, remember? She's so sweet."
"...oh I see what you're up to."
"Hmm?"
"You're trying to derail this."
"Gosh, I would never."
"You know you have a tell when you're lying, right?"
"Oh look, next card! Uhh... 'leh-zher'."
"What, like the stuff you can make out of cowhides?"
"No, that's leather, you plebeian."
"I don't know what that means."
"That's why I said it."
"Besides, I think the word that you meant to say on that card is 'lee-zhur'."
"Then why, pray tell, is there an 'i' after the first 'e' instead of another 'e'?"
"Well your way just sounds like somepony's trying to cover a sneeze. 'Leh-ZHER!' 'Gesundheit.'"
“Yours, meanwhile, sounds like it’s already splayed in a sun lounger. ‘LEEEEEE-zhur’... yes, just kicking up its hooves without a care in the world."
"Oh yeah? Your version’s doing yoga in a monocle. ‘Oh utterly spiffing, what what, I’m just having a spot of LEH-zher, toodle pip-pip! Then off to the manor to perform visitations on Mister Beauregarde, lovely jubbly spot of tea and crumpets.’”
"Did we or did we not establish that your Trottingham accent was absolutely awful? Because that one was levels of bad that fall somewhere between 'cruel and unusual punishment' and 'crimes against all sentient creatures'.”
"I think we put a pin in that discussion."
"I'll put a pin in you if we don't wrap this up soon, my hindquarters have gone to sleep."
"Then keep reading them cards so we can keep debating! I'm kinda having as much fun throwing shade at each other as I am hearing you say these words all weird and fancy."
"'Lef-tenant.' Okay I'll give you something, this is also an odd pronunciation. I'm not even sure where the letter 'f' comes into it."
"For those listeners who can't hear past the speech impediment of 'being from Trottingham', that-"
"Oh, very witty."
"...that word that Octy just said was actually supposed to be 'loo-tenant'."
"Yes, 'loo-tenant', the military rank so famously armed with a plunger for all your bathroom needs. That sounds far less ridiculous, you're so right."
"And your way sounds like you've got a permanent crick in your neck."
"...does it?"
"I dunno, couldn't think of anything funnier to say."
"Next card then."
"Yeah, before we start an international incident."
"...this one has one syllable."
"Yeah?"
"Well how wrong can you get a word with one syllable?"
"'Boy'."
"Oh, so you're somehow going to conjure up an extra unnecessary syllable for this one as well?"
"Dunno, let's hear it."
"’Herb.’"
“No, no, no. It’s ’erb'. You don’t pronounce the ‘h'.”
“Why in Equestria wouldn’t you pronounce the ‘h’? It’s right there!”
“Because it’s silent. Like, sophisticated. ’Erb'.”
"You make it sound the exact opposite of sophisticated. In fact it sounds downright redneck. What's next, are you going to don dungarees and straw hats?"
"’Erb' is classy! It’s the kind of word that walks into a room and doesn’t need to make a big deal about itself.”
“No, ’erb' stumbles into a room and collides into the nearest available banjo. 'Herb' stands tall, proud, and enunciated. With sophistication and class.”
“Your 'herb' sounds like it’s the lead character in a bad romance novel. ‘Herb gazed longingly out over the fields that swayed in the breeze, searching his soul for purpose as the emptiness in his heart gnawed at the pit of his stomach.'”
"How can a heart gnaw at the pit of a stomach?"
"Creative writing, if you can explain it the reader will believe it."
"That's not an explanation, that's a deflection. Meanwhile your 'erb' has climbed onto a table and started twanging that banjo that has no right being at a sophisticated event."
“Okay, but at least ’erb' knows how to party! 'Herb’ is too busy correcting everypony’s grammar.”
“Grammar that clearly needs correcting.”
"Admit it, you're having fun here."
"...a little. But crouching over a microphone, squinting to read cards in our closet doesn't exactly agree with my back, so let's hurry along. If it's not too inconvenient for you."
"Alright, let's do one more then, before we wrap this up."
"Okay, uhh... 'ga-ridge'. Interesting choice, you don't see many in Ponyville."
"You don't, do you? What about Trottingham?"
"Every house has one, where else would the chauffeurs park the carriage?"
"...okay there were two more great words there, but let's focus on the one on the card. It's supposed to be 'guh-rahj'. A 'ga-ridge' sounds like a barn with delusions of grandeur."
“It’s the proper pronunciation. Direct, practical, and to the point.”
"It sounds like it’s apologizing for even existing. ‘Oh, hi, I’m the ga-ridge... don’t mind me.’”
“At least it’s humble. Your 'guh-rahj' probably charges extra for parking.”
“Worth it! 'Guh-rahj' has ambiance. 'Ga-ridge' sounds like the kind of place where you’d find rusty tools and regret.”
“Rusty tools are better than pretentious airs."
"It’s about luxury, baby!”
"Well you- ouch! Ooh, nope nope nope, pins and needles. Take these cards back Vinyl, I think I'm done here."
"Hang on."
"For what? I can't sit in here any longer."
"There's one more in here we gotta do... I just... need... to... ah, here we go! Found it!"
"Vinyl please, enough is enough."
"No no no, I swear just this one more and then we're done."
"Oh please, you've already had more than your money's worth out of me tonight."
"I'll take you out to your favourite restaurant."
"For the love of... wait, you will?"
"Uh-huh."
"But you hate the Gilded Chateau."
"I'll struggle along for you, babe."
"You called the waiter 'Lord Snoots-a-lot'."
"My charisma knows no bounds."
"You said you'd rather lick a train station floor than go back there."
"Another pretty sweet example of my wordsmithery, I gotta say."
"So you'd really take me back there."
"Yep."
"And pay the whole bill."
"...I'm not sure that was the deal I was laying out."
"Oh no? Pray tell, what's on that card, then?"
"Urrr... hmm. Okay, deal. I'll pay the whole bill."
"Terrific. It's that bad, is it?"
"It'll be great, Octy. You're a natural."
"Alright, enough buttering me up, give it here... oh for Celestia's sake, Vinyl."
"Whole bill!"
"I'm not sure it's worth it!"
"Three words for a romantic evening all paid for by yours truly? That's not worth it?"
"Look, I know you're more versed in online culture than I am, but even I know how widespread this particular joke is."
"Think of the breadsticks."
"...the breadsticks there are divine, that's true."
"And your favourite wine."
"Ohhh... Crystal Cuvée, it's been so long."
"Then when we get home I'll do that thing you like, where we-"
"Okay okay okay, don't broadcast that to everypony and their dog."
"Relax, it ain't live. At least, I'm pretty sure it's not. I just got the free trial for this recording software, I don't think it actually can do a live broadcast."
"You're a DJ, and you don't have recording software?"
"Not one for microphone inputs, I don't. I've never needed it."
"Noted. So, just these three words then."
"Yep."
"Three words and you'll treat me to an exquisite evening."
"Correcto."
"An evening that will continue in its exquisiteness, even when we get home."
"You bet'cha, hot stuff."
"I hate you sometimes."
"Love you too babe."
"Fine, fine, if it'll get me out of this forsaken closet, I'll say the damn line already. Ahem... 'Bottle of Water'."
Author's Note
For clarity, the words on the cue cards were:
- Aluminium GB / Aluminum US (As it turns out, the spelling actually differs between British English and American English)
- Schedule
- Buoy
- Leisure
- Lieutenant
- Herb (I’d hoped this one was obvious)
- Garage
- Bottle of Water (The real punchline here)
A fan of Octa-Scratch fluff?
Consider reading the Scotchtavia series:
Scotchtavia
The Morning After
On the Rocks
Dialogue has always been my favourite part of writing, especially two characters with good chemistry who can bounce off of each other. In a similar vein, I also really enjoy writing Vinyl and Octavia. It was pretty inevitable I would come back and write more of them.
Having previously entered the Dialogue-Only Contest with my Twilight Sparkle monologue story I Know You're There, I felt like I wanted to give the format another shot.
Hopefully it made for entertaining reading!
