'Whaddya mean, sticking a chainsaw in a Caribou doesn't produce a shower of ammo?'
The Caribou charged at him with a thunderous war cry, a war cry answered with the roar of the chaingun as Doom Guy opened fire. The bullets tore through leather armor and bare flesh alike, breaking through their bodies and painting the surroundings red with their blood-
CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK
"Sir, I highly recommend that we withdraw and seek out a means to refill our weapons," VEGA informed him. "By my calculations, our ammo reserves will be emptied within the next two minutes if we don't."
Doom Guy let loose a frustrated huff. 'Yeah, like I'm gonna find a cache of UAC-compatible ammo just laying around. It's pretty obvious this place doesn't work like that.' He muttered silently to himself as he tossed the Delta-12 Chaingun aside into some kind of Argent void (VEGA, yadda yadda, suit, blah blah hold more weapons, he really didn't have time to think too hard about it...), withdrawing the Gauss Cannon and leveling the weapon. He would have pulled out his Super Shotgun, but he'd run out of shells for the thing a while ago, and for some reason these demons didn't drop any ammo when he killed them.
At least, he assumed they were demons. And if they weren't... well, they may have been sapient and humanoid, but they were also an army of misogynistic, belligerent Caribou that apparently thought that treating a female like an actual person and not a glorified fucktoy was a crime worthy of a death sentence. Kinda hard to argue they weren't acceptable... nay, mandatory targets.
A ray of arcing blue lightning shot forth from the weapon, the heads of several charging Caribou exploding in unison. The rest screamed in fury as his Delta V Jump-Boots activated, thrusting him up into the air. "COWARD!!!" A Caribou screamed... right in time to be neatly bisected by another Railgun shot. Two more of his companions went the same way...
CLICK CLICK
'AGAIN?!' Gravity had taken over now, pulling him back down to the ground. He opened the Argent void-thingy... and noticed all of his guns were empty.
'Oh well.' He stowed the now-empty Gauss Cannon, rolling as he landed, his chainsaw popped into his hands right in time to be embedded in a snarling Caribou's torso. Blood sprayed everywhere... but ammo didn't, for some reason.
Had he been given a moment to think, Doom Guy would probably have realized how odd it was that even in the depths of hell, a place where ammo, by all rights, should not have been so plentiful, demons still dropped copious amounts of the stuff, particularly if he was using his chainsaw. As it was, he had more pressing concerns. Namely, the twenty-plus Caribou rushing him. He revved the chainsaw, lunging forward...
Face-first into a poleaxe's business end.
There was a sharp crunch, visible cracks forming in his visor as the impact sent him reeling backward... right in time for one metric shitton of leather, fists, and very angry Caribou to come down on top of him.
His own fists responded, a louder CRUNCH ringing out. But even as the Caribou reeled back, a dozen more took its place, their fists, clubs, and blades slamming into his armored form relentlessly. He wasn't out of the fight yet, but he certainly wasn't standing... and even if there was room to use his chainsword, he'd been running low on fuel anyway.
Still, his kill count had still managed to get pretty damn high. He was reasonably certain that he'd killed more Caribou tonight than he'd killed Demons during his entire campaign through mars, and later hell itself. But there were still millions of Caribou still standing.
'At least I went down fighting...' Doom Guy thought to himself, coughing up blood even as he kept throwing punches from his prone position. Green-colored plates crumpled and dented beneath the relentless barrage of blows, every rivet in his armor straining and rattling. 'Still a stupid way to die, though. "Impervious to any damage", my-
His vision flashed pink — yes, pink, not white — and all of a sudden Doom Guy's fist had slammed into a tinted dome of solidified energy, like a less hellish-looking, tamer version of the bubble shield that weird parasite-mecha thing was using. Oh, and it went both ways and blocked melee attacks, at least if the flabbergasted expression on the faces of his Caribou attackers and the way they were now pounding harmlessly on that dome was any indication.
A voice cleared its throat. A female voice. One of the Caribou looked up, his eyes going wide. "Im-impossible! You're-"
"Yes. Shining Armor was under the influence of that spell you cast on him. For all of a day."
"Did you know that I spent that whole day silently screaming?" A second newcomer — this Shining Armor fellow, apparently — growled. "That I spent it fully conscious and aware yet trapped in the confines of my mind, unable to stop myself from torturing the love of my life?! That when I finally shook off what you'd done to my mind, I'd begged her to slit my throat, solely so you couldn't force me to do that to her again?! That-"
"Know the proper place of your fucktoy, you traitorous bitch!!!" Another Caribou snarled, abandoning Doom Guy and rushing the newcomer... only to let loose yet another roar of frustration as the dome over the Marine vanished, a pink-tinted flash indicating that the Caribou had been trapped beneath another.
"I. Am not. A fucktoy!" The female voice snarled back. "I am Princess Mi Amoire Cadenza. And if you call me that ag-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU USELESS CUNT! YOU'RE HIS FUCKTOY, AND HE IS A FREAK AGAINST NATURE FOR NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THAT! THAT IS ALL YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE, ALL YOU EVER WILL-"
There was a KZAP, a chorus of screams, and then a symphony of flesh exploding from a powerful electric current, blood splattering across the fragmented remnants of Doom Guy's visor. He hoped it was a girl who did that: an ironic death and a wad of spit in the face of their whole messed-up ideology, rolled into one.
"...I wish I could say I disapprove of how gory that was."
"They deserved it." Princess — what was her name again? Cadenza or something? — hissed.
"Yep. Definitely." A third voice spoke up, female like the "princess" but a little deeper. The sound of hooves on concrete reached his ringing ears... and then the face of a pony slid into view. A pony with a bright, scarlet red mohawk and maroon-tinted fur. And a scar over one eye. And a knobby little stump of a horn jutting from her forehead. Oh, and jet-black, bloodstained armor on, because why the fuck not?
"You alright?" The pony talked, and for what wasn't the first time and almost certainly wouldn't be the last Doom Guy found himself questioning his sanity. This wasn't like the Caribou, what with their generally humanoid body shape and their bovine features. This was a full on, hooves-and-all pony, talking and wearing armor like it was a human
'...y'know what? Fuck it. The world's gone crazy; might as well give into the insanity.' Doom Guy opened his mouth to respond "yes"... and promptly coughed up another mouthful of blood, a few drops of it splattering on the pony's face. Yep, seems it's real.
"...I'll take that as a no." The maroon-colored pony said wryly as two more ponies slid into view; that of a white unicorn and a pink one, both with intact horns.
"Is he-?" The white one — probably Shining Armor — asked.
"I think he'll be fine." The pink one — Princess Army Cadence or something or other — lowered her horn to his chest, a dim cyan glow enveloping him as the pain faded, the trickle of blood into his mouth stemming as his coughs subsided. It felt... good. Like the influx of Ardent energy from a siphon grenade, but without any of the discomfort. 'And on that note... how exactly does the praetor suit use that to heal me, again?' "He's pretty badly beaten up, but my spells aren't picking up any crippling or fatal injuries. It's pretty remarkable, actually; I've seen ponies killed by a lot less punishment."
"Yeah, we all have." Shining Armor muttered darkly, a pink glow enveloping his horn. A groan of pain slipped from Doom Guy's now-empty mouth as he was lifted up into the air.
"Not trying to sound unsympathetic... but you were going up against an army that managed to beat a bucking Spirit of Chaos." Shining Armor muttered as Doom Guy's limp body was somehow lowered onto his back. "And you were doing it alone. With no backup. What did you think was going to happen?"
Doom Guy's hand curled into a fist. A single finger rose up, forming a rude gesture. The sight of it made the pink-furred pegacorn flinch.
"I'd be a little less flippant about that if I were you. Especially if Applejack's around." She pointed out. "In case you haven't noticed, the Caribou do it a lot, and some mares react... badly to seeing it."
Doom Guy grunted weakly in acknowledgment, and then fainted.
Author's Note
Just a silly deconstruction/reconstruction of all the anti-FoE fics starring a hyperviolent male protagonist ejecting hyperviolent male Caribou from Equestria.
I mean... I get why most of the authors behind all those Doomguy in FoE fics don't bother thinking about how exactly he gets all the ammo he needs to keep his righteous murder spree of over-the-top vengeance going. They want to see Doomguy reduce Diann's head to chunky red salsa, and worrying about things like logistics and ammo would get in the way of that.
But in the end... he's a single man, stripped of the Plot Armor that usually protects him, against a million enemies. How is that supposed to prevail against a full-blown, reasonably competent army? Why don't you go ask Noble Six from Halo Reach... oh, wait, he just learned how it prevails, the hard way; it doesn't. And now he's dead.
But a group of someones, a group who wages guerilla warfare, uses hit-and-run tactics, has plenty of friends for backup, and has access to locally-sourced weapons that don't run out of ammo... that's another matter entirely. And do you know what would be even more cathartic than seeing King Diann's head explode courtesy of another alpha male? Seeing King Diann's head explode courtesy of a female pony, as Doom Guy sits back, relaxes, and gives Diann's whole fucked-up ideology the one-finger salute.
Don't worry; I got an idea for a sequel I might do if this fic is well-recieved, and in it Doom Guy will be healed up, a little wiser, and will properly kick the Caribou's ass (though, admittedly, he still managed to do the same here; he may have gone down, but he took a lot of Caribou with him). Just be warned: if you're not a fan of the DOOMicorn armor from DOOM: Eternal... well, lets just say there's a reason my working title is "Revenge of the DOOMicorn".
