Cutter

I considered the faint sound of birds chirping in the morning light as I dug into my prison breakfast—Simple and partially cold potatoes, sliced and served with a mug of water. As they hadn't given me a fork, I ate with my bare hands, occasionally wiping my fingers on my shirt and wincing as I smacked my lips.

Not for the first since surrendering did I find myself utterly hankering for something more fulfilling than water. I'd braced for the fact Equestria wouldn't be as accommodating as my previous residence but by the gods of wind and sea could I have gone for a mug of hot chocolate. Or wine.

Not rum though. Never rum. Hated that stuff, ever since-

The door to the cells clanged open and drew my attention up as Celestia once again approached my bars. She turned and considered me with a much softer, yet still critical expression. I retorted with an even, expectant leer as I continued eating.
"I don't take back what I said," I declared after a few seconds, returning my focus to my food. "'Cause it's true. At least for how I felt back then." I picked up my mug and swirled its contents out of habit.

"Like I said, I was young and stupid," I grumbled with a sigh. "I've got a better understanding of things now, which is why I didn't bring her up when I asked for a pardon." I took a drink as Celestia tilted her head at me.

"I'm sorry," she quietly replied, causing me to choke for a moment. Clearing my throat with a few coughs, I set my mug down and made a cutting gesture with my hand.

"Don't-"

"No, I mean it," she interjected, shaking her head. "I was content with your claims and to let Luna grow close with you in my place." I furrowed my brow as she studied the dungeon floor.

"There was still so much to do after Discord's defeat, and when Sombra conquered the Crystal Empire, I-" She narrowed her eyes and then closed them. "I can't say I wasn't eager to, as you say, assume the role of the beloved and distant idol." She faced me with a sad frown.

"It was easier than digging deep with anypony," she added, again tilting her head toward me. "With anyone." I considered her for a moment before sighing and looking down at my food.

"I have taken the time to present your request with the war council, as well as voice my support," she suddenly added, causing me to flinch and look up at her in surprise. Her expression hadn't improved but she nodded. "All of your actions were clearly motivated by my failure, and so it is the least I can do." My jaw dropped slightly at her words and she sighed hard.

"And as you've said, Equestria did benefit from your activities," she explained fixing me with an even look. "They will be convening at the end of this week to determine your eligibility." I blinked and managed to close my jaw after a few moments.

"Oh," I huffed, scanning the floor. A rattling clatter drew my attention to my wrists just as the chains were magically unlocked.

"Until then, you are being released from the dungeon and transferred to the castle proper," she explained. "We have prepared a room for you in which you must remain, under guard, until the council convenes at the penalty of reimprisonment should you leave without permission." I stared blankly at the chains now lying at my sides before the door to my cell swung open. I looked over just in time to see a pair of white hooves in golden shoes standing beside me.

"They will want to hear a full account of your actions, however," she said, drawing my attention up to her face. Her expression had finally softened to an even and detached frown rather than anything critical. "And I am still curious, so, if you'd be willing-"

"Sure."

It was my first time in the captain's quarters of the Quicksilver. The little pony who previously owned it certainly had plenty of space—The entire underside of the quarterdeck comprised the cabin, granting room for a round dining table, a sofa, a much larger bookshelf than the one I had, a bed five times the size of the one I had, a dresser and wardrobe, a desk, and a private wine rack. The entire floor was decorated with a pair of rugs, one a cool dark blue with white fringes, and a solid black one. The two rugs also helped define the two halves of the cabin, which was divided by a collapsing metal screen that was currently halfway extended.

If I wasn't so busy preparing for the first steps of my plan, I might've had time to be jealous. Instead, I sat at the table, studying the list of names Gab had provided. Even if only one or two members of the crew were onboard with my plans, I preferred to know their names ahead of time, since I figured it would make operating the ship easier.

A knock at the door broke my concentration. "Everypony's waiting on deck, Mr. Cutter," Gab reported as he stepped in and approached the table. Upon arriving he raised an eyebrow with a hum. "Though, I reckon if this works, it'll be Captain Cutter, won't it?" I flinched at his suggestion.

"What?" I murmured, drawing a nod from the old pony.

"You're the one old Ben is keen on," he mused, pointing a hoof at me. "And you're the one with the scheme, so it makes sense to have you be in command." I furrowed my brow as he smirked with a snort.

"At least until you royally muck it up and we mutiny against you too," he added. I glanced down at my list of names.

"I guess?" I grumbled, at which he hummed, shaking his head.

"Ah, you're gonna have to work on that, along with the other stuff you mentioned, lad," he declared, stepping beside me and jabbing my knee. "Gotta exude confidence, pirate captain or no." I considered him for a moment before nodding.

"Got it. Thanks, Gab," I said, standing up and making my way outside.

"Hey, don't thank me yet," he replied, following along just beside me. As we stepped outside, he swept his hoof at the crew. "You still have to sell this business to them."

The second I emerged, the crew all went quiet and gave me their full attention, having all been having a hushed conversation moments prior. Doubtless, they were wondering why I'd asked Gab to have them all gather aboard the ship. A few, like Stitches, or Sour Note and her brother Jingle, fixed me with an annoyed and expectant look, having been enjoying their time on the commodore's tab. Taking a breath before meeting their gaze with a nod, I stepped just before the gathering and spoke.

"Commodore Burigold and I had a chat and he's made a proposal I'd like to offer to all of you," I explained, looking at each of them briefly and gesturing to the town. "In addition to the aid he's already traded us, he's willing to sponsor this ship and get it equipped with a few guns and provisions, as well as lend us a flag with his colors." Jingle and Sour shared a look while some of the more experienced sailors blanched, likely catching on immediately to what I was suggesting. I carried on regardless.

"In exchange, we are to use those guns and colors to sail into the Celestial Sea and-" I hesitated and rolled my head with a huff before throwing my hand up. "Take everything we can from whoever we happen upon." With just a couple of exceptions, Zamaradi being one of them, the crew gasped. I gestured toward the fortress at the far end of Naysow.

"We give him and his associates thirty percent, as well as pay him back for the guns," I began, before sweeping my hand to the deck. "And we keep the rest."

"You want to turn pirate?" Rosepetal squeaked.

"Privateer," I retorted.

"What's the difference?" Happy demanded with an uneasy frown, drawing murmurs of agreement from-

Fewer crewmates than I expected, actually. Raising an eyebrow at Gab who seemed to notice this as well, I nodded at Happy.

"The difference is if we pull this off, we might be able to get around being classified as mutineers," I explained, folding my arms. "And more importantly for our immediate circumstance, we'll be able to ensure our long-term residence here, where it's safe."

Bushtit grumbled and stomped her hoof. "I don't know about the rest of these ponies, but I'm fine finding honest work aboard another ship," she declared with a humph drawing a hum of agreement from Jackdaw, at which I shrugged.

"How many honest ships do you think are docked here?" I asked, at which she pointed her hoof and prepared to argue before slowly wilting. "And even if you found one, there's still the issue of Quicksilver potentially giving your name as a member of her mutinous crew, you know?" As she and Jackdaw shared a look, Gab stepped forward.

"So, one day you might find a royal guard squad knocking at your door," he declared with a solemn tone before shaking his head. "That's largely what I was sayin' when I told the commodore we needed to sort ourselves out." He sighed and looked over the crew.

"Face facts folks, we're stuck," he added after a moment. "Hard stuck." The entire crew, Zamaradi included, seemed to wilt at the finality of his words.

"I've been an honest sailor most of my life as well, but," he continued with a thoughtful nod, looking up at me. "This offer ain't too unpalatable." I nodded back and then took a step toward the crew.

"We got this far together, and largely by voting upon what to do as we've run into trouble," I said, gesturing to them. "So, I'm giving you all the option." I folded my arms with a sigh.

"Well?" I pressed. The junior sailors all wore visible hesitation, but to my mild surprise, some of the others were more readily vocal.

"If the rest of the ship is turning privateer, I'm on board," Rosepetal declared, narrowing her eyes and jabbing a hoof at me. "But only if the rest of the ship is going along." Nodding, I looked at Hatch just beside her.

"I'm game," the pegasus said with a curt chortle. He looked over the rest of the crew with a subdued smirk. "I hear pirates don't have to work as hard." Recoiling slightly, I gestured to Early Riser next.

"Huh?" The old pegasus grunted before noticing everyone was looking at him. "Oh. Don't ask me, I don't care." He resumed staring off to the side, so we all looked at Scurry who was rubbing his chin.

"It does sound like easy money," he said, snapping his wings with a steadily growing grin.

"I wouldn't mind giving a few griffins the business," Powder Monkey beside him spat, bristling her own wings as she did. Nodding, I gestured to Stitches who yawned.

"I'm hungry," she said, sitting down with a smile. Gab and I shared an uneasy look before Doctor Holiday cleared his throat.

"I am not opposed to the notion," he began, tilting his glasses down to leer at me. "But I cannot be expected to shed the blood of another thinking being." I nodded and turned to Zamaradi as she stepped forward with a laugh.

"Piracy isn't any worse than what I already had planned," she mused to Holiday's visible discomfort, causing me to raise my eyebrows.

"And what was that?" I pressed, at which she fixed me with a knowing smile.

"I joined this cruise to abduct the oh-so-special creature of interest and hold him for ransom," she explained, drawing a look of surprise from everyone else. "That's what." I stared at her in wonder and mild horror as Holiday sighed with a guilty nod.

"And she promised me a cut if I helped drug him and smuggle him out," he added, causing my eyebrows to shoot up as an exasperated, narrow-eyed expression fell over my face. He shook his head at Zamaradi. "Damn shame we never made port." She nodded with a sympathetic smile before the pair looked back at me. Blinking, I slowly threw my hand up at them and looked over the rest of the crew. Galley, Bushtit, Jackdaw, Bell Pepper, Happy, Sour, and her brother all now looked at me and the rest of the crew with an assortment of expressions.

"What about the rest of you?" I urged, drawing their uneasy solely to myself.

"Told ya we should've killed him," Pepper said with a nod at the rest of the crew. Then, he shrugged at me. "I don't have anything better to do." Shrugging back with a narrow frown, I looked at the other six. Sour Note and Jingle began whispering, and something they said caught Happy's ear as he turned and began whispering with them. Meanwhile, Bushtit and Jackdaw shared a look before the former sighed and offered me an uneasy nod. Returning the gesture, I looked at Galley, who scrunched her muzzle as she looked down at the deck. Before I could say anything, she huffed and jumped forward.

"Will we-" She cleared her throat, seemingly embarrassed by her sudden and eager tone. Composing herself she locked eyes with me. "Will we be sailing north?" I frowned and tilted my head.

"Uh, I don't see why not," I murmured, sharing a look with Gab who was just as confused as me. "Why?"

"No reason," she hastily retorted, her eyes darting around for a moment before she fixed me with a confident look. "So long as we eventually head up north, I'm in." I narrowed my eyes at her, which caused her to wilt only for a moment before her confident expression hardened.

"Fine, works for me," I relented with a nod. Finally, I turned to the three co-conspirators who were still whispering. "Alright, you three." All three jumped before looking at me in surprise and sharing a final look before Happy cleared his throat and stepped toward me.

"I- don't think I'm cut out to be quartermaster, Mr. Cutter," he said haltingly with a frown. The rest of the crew murmured at his admission and he looked up at me. "But uh." He paused and looked back at the other two before fixing me with a hopeful smile.

"Privateers need musicians and singers, right?" He asked, causing the other two to murmur and nod in agreement. Taking a breath and donning a thoughtful expression, I turned to Gab who pursed his lips before nodding.

"Sure," I declared, drawing a relieved and eager sigh from Happy. Facing the rest of the crew, I paced toward them with my hands on my hips. "So, it's unanimous. One month from now, we turn privateer." A few of them frowned at my words.

"One month? Why not now?" Rosepetal asked, tilting her head.

"Because I could use a crash course on proper sailing," I explained with a nod, drawing a thoughtful hum from some of the crew. I fixed Zamaradi with an uneasy leer. "And, if a certain someone can be convinced not to abduct me, a lesson or two on holding my own in a fight." She recoiled before an incredulous smile broke across her features. At that moment, Gab stepped forward, stomping his hoof to draw everyone's attention.

"Same goes for you tyro lot! Even the musical accompaniment!" He yelled, jabbing his hoof at the less experienced sailors. Then, he paused and nodded at me. "And before we get carried away, let's settle one thing first off." He swept his hoof at me.

"Cutter for captain," he declared, drawing a look of surprise from the crew. Before any of us could say anything he continued. "He's the brain behind this scheme and the commodore fancies him." He adopted a knowing smile and looked me up and down.

"And if he flubs it, we can always sell him to make up our losses," he added, causing me to recoil. The crew, however, shared a look and then nodded.

"Aye," they all called out. I blinked and shot Gab a critical, sideways leer.

"Appreciate it, I think," I murmured before furrowing my brow and gesturing to him. "And while we're on the topic of officers, I nominate Gab for your quartermaster."

"Aye," they all responded immediately to his surprise.

"Awesome," I sighed, clapping my hands and nodding. "One month. Get yourselves ready, and let's see what we can do."

I yanked the rope, or line as Gab insisted, as hard as I could, leaning against it for more leverage before I finally made it to the place Gab had instructed. The old pony trotted along beside me with a critical eye locked on me as I heaved the line down and hastily fixed it in place with a knot. Once I was sure it was secured, he waved me to the side and I sat down with a huff.

On the opposite side of the deck, Rosepetal was giving the other rookie sailors similar treatment and proving herself to be much less patient than my teacher, to Happy's distress as she yanked his line loose with her teeth and fell into a frothing rant at him. A hoof smacked me in the head.

"Slow and that's gonna come loose," Gab declared, nodding at my line. Before I could respond, he nodded over his shoulder. "How many guns on the sloop six degrees south off our stern?" I rolled to my feet and cupped my hand over my eyes to spy out the ship in question, using the method he taught me to count its cannons despite how far away it sat.

"One, two, five, ten, five," I paused and narrowed my eyes. "Thirty-two?" Before he could grunt, I jabbed a finger at the other ship's bow.

"Plus four chase guns at the bow," I added, having noticed the smaller specialized cannons sticking off its forecastle, or the raised deck at the front just before the bow.

"Good. But what's that mean?" Gab pressed. I furrowed my brow as I looked over the whole ship, searching for the answer. He hummed and nodded. "Considering the weight of each gun-"

"They're over-burdened and could capsize if they turn too hard?" I finally declared, looking down at him.

He smiled with a knowing look. "Bingo. Which means?"

"Their captain's an idiot?" I offered.

"Bingo."

The minotaurs, diamond dogs, and other creatures who populated the space around Naysow's fortress had cleared one of the training fields to watch Zamaradi and me as I stretched.

"Sorry if this is too out of your field," I said to her as she stood with a placid look. "I just figured you could give me some pointers, just in case." I shook my hands and approached her with a nod at which she laughed and waved her hoof.

"Oh, please. I've fought and killed enough two-legs to know how they should and shouldn't move pretty well," she mused, drawing an eager cheer from our crowd. She looked me up and down before tilting her head. "For instance." I was suddenly facing the sky, and then the ground, and then the sky again before hitting the ground and gasping as all the air was knocked out of my chest.

"Ooh!" The crowd exclaimed before someone laughed. As I lay there dazed, suddenly Zamaradi appeared in the corner of my eye with a knowing smile.

"We gonna have to work on your stance, first thing."

After a couple of days of watching a zebra kick my ass, one of Ben's sharpshooters had taken an interest and offered to teach me shooting. And so, I found myself being escorted down range from some training dummied before the Abyssinian instructing me slapped my shoulder.

"Alright, see this distance? This is point blank for a crossbow," he explained, gesturing back at the dummy he wanted me to shoot. "Keep it in mind." He handed a crossbow to me.

"Point blank?" I murmured, looking down range at the dummy. "I thought point blank was, like, right up against whatever you were shooting?" He hummed and shook his head as he propped my arms up properly.

"Point blank is the distance a bolt or ball, or what have you moves straight," he said, leering over my shoulder and patting my side. "Any further and you have to aim higher and higher. Got it?" I slowly nodded as I focused on the dummy.

"So this is the distance I aim straight at them?" I asked. To my surprise, due to how vibrant everything already was in this world, I could not only make out the dummy with near-perfect clarity but even the ones further back.

"Yes. Give it a shot," he ordered. I squeezed the lever and the bolt went flying. The dummy shuddered as the missile nailed it in the chest, drawing a thoughtful pur from my instructor. "Not bad, Squire."

I rubbed my eyes and exhaled hard as I meandered into the inn I'd been staying at, intent on sleeping straight through to noon the next day. We'd all earned a break, I felt. Our sailing date was rapidly approaching and the ship was outfitted with twelve guns and the supplies to use them. True to her name, Powder Monkey has proved a capable gunner and so was promoted to head of the gun crew, or Sergeant as she demanded. We'd sold some of my books to a collector to purchase a few small sidearms without having to add to our debt to Ben.

Even better, every one of the rookie sailors, including myself had finally passed our instructors' appraisals. So, while it had been a rough month, I-

"Hello, Captain Cutter."

"Ah!" I jumped as I passed into my room. Blinking, I looked around to find Apricot sitting on my bed with a patient and dangerous look in her eye. All around the rest of my room were other mares and a few of what I learned were kirins, all looking me up and down. As I looked at them all in confusion, I noticed Apricot's eyes drifted down and locked onto my hands.

Then the door was slammed shut behind me by a diamond dog who'd been hiding back there. I held up my hands defensively, and they all tracked them with their eyes.

"Listen-"

"Sst," Apricot hissed, jabbing a hoof at me.

I pondered the rough chart Gab had prepared for me, tracing the Celestial Sea with my fingers and carefully considering all the ports he could remember it touched. Obviously, there was Naysow, Southpile, and Mount Aris, but further north there was Foaledo, Baltimare, Fillydelphia, and Manehattan on the Equestrian side, and Griffinstone, Groverbay, Cobblerock, and Graymourne on the Griffinstone side. The eastern side had notes like 'this river to Shanghay and Ho Chi Mane and Trotsylvania,' or more worryingly 'Here be Dragons.' South and east led to Abyssinia and Colombuck.

Far, far north past the Griffish Isles, labled as 'Contested,' was a narrowish strait that led to 'Don't,' and he refused to elaborate.

"Have a course figured, Captain?" Our guest mused, drawing my attention up at him and across the table he'd had set on our deck just before the helm. Ben held the same relaxed smile he'd worn since he strode aboard just before we cast off, followed by the tuxedo-wearing minotaur currently waiting on him and Blood Orange with a knife-laden bandolier slung around her torso. Said bat pony currently had her forehooves on the table as she reared up to fix me with a bright smile, while the minotaur stood silently with a towel draped over one arm.

"Wouldn't call it a course," I replied, with my hand on my chin as I resumed studying the chart. "I'm just estimating which way ships might go." Through the corner of my eye, I saw Rosepetal looking at me expectantly and then at Gab who stood just beside her with his eyes focused on the crew lounging across the rest of the ship. We weren't really in a hurry and could cruise comfortably enough, so I saw no reason to make them work the whole time.

"Clever, clever," Ben hummed with a nod. A brief silence was cut when he tilted his head toward me. "You wanna hint?"

"Nope," I replied, earning a mirthful snort. Another brief silence followed.

"You wanna give scritchies?" Orange asked, drawing my eyes up to her as she leaned her head my way and pointed at it with a hoof. When I resumed charting, she let out a sad humph. I tapped the chart before gesturing to Gab.

"G-" I hissed as I remembered the proper officer lingo he'd beaten into me. "Mr. Gabber, let's see if we can intercept someone heading-"

"Sail ho! Sloop! Straight on and heading south!" Early yelled out, drawing my attention to him and the crew all to their hooves. "Equestrian flag!" An anxious murmur rose up to meet him from the rest of the crew, but I furrowed my brow and took to the larboard rail before drawing the spyglass Gab had lent me. Straight west of us and almost on the Equestrian shoreline I spotted her.

Gab trotted up beside me and reared up on the rail. "I don't see any guns, but they could have them hidden," I said as I watched the other crew. "They're all in yellow raincoats and floppy hats. I don't see any officers in uniform."

"Ah, just a fishing boat, by the sound of it," Gab hummed, causing me to look down at him.

"Do ponies fish?" I asked, looking between him and the uneasy faces of the crew.

"Sure do. Coastal towns get visitors of all kinds, some of whom eat fish," he replied, considering the other ship. I frowned and spied on the ship again, leaning further out as more details started to pop out to me.

"They're a fishing boat, but I don't see any nets out," I said, scanning the ship's sides and deck. "Or any fish on deck." Gab hummed and rolled his head for a moment.

"Well," he began.

"What's more, they're sitting pretty low in the water, despite no guns weighing them down," I interrupted, handing him the spyglass and pointing at the ship. "And take a look at that guy by the helm. I think that's their captain." He took the glass and examined the ship.

"What about h-" He snapped up straight, seemingly noticing it immediately.

"Do civilian fishing boat captains usually stand that rigid? You'd figure they'd be more casual," I said, glancing up at the ship. "And considering you told me appearances are everything out here."

"Huh. Good eye, Mr-" Gab's ear twitched and he nodded before handing me the spyglass. "Captain Cutter."

"What's happening?" Happy asked. My attention lingered on the other ship for a moment before I turned to the crew.

"I think they're pretending to be a civilian fishing boat so they don't get attacked," I explained, collapsing my glass and wagging it at him. "And I think they're carrying something big."

"Captain Cutter, that's an Equestrian ship," he pressed with an uneasy frown that only worsened with every second. "Are we- Are we really going to-" I furrowed my brow and looked up to see a little under half the crew with similar uncertain faces. Glancing down at Gab, he still had his attention on the sloop and was rubbing his chin. When I then turned to Ben, he threw his paws up.

"Hey, don't look at me!" He chirped, waving his paws at me. "It's your cruise. You sort it out!" I hummed and considered the crew again. More than half, including our helmsmare, seemed unperturbed by the possibility, but the few that were still needed reassuring. I looked out at the sloop. We needed to see if we could pull something like this off, and I had a debt to pay.

"We are," I declared turning back to Happy with a firm expression and my hand on my hip. "There's no telling how long before we bump into another ship and if it'll be unarmed as well." He shrunk away from me with a nervous whimper, so I knelt down and patted his head.

"Remember what Gab said? If we can compel them to surrender, we won't have to hurt them," I explained with a nod.

"How're we gonna do that?" He retorted with an all-too-earnest tone. Before I could answer Holiday barked a laugh.

"Why don't we just tie Cutter to the mast? The sight of him should rattle them plenty," he offered earning a laugh from Zamaradi beside him and even from Happy. I considered the unicorn before me with a raised eyebrow causing him to snap his hooves over his mouth.

"Funny was it?" I pressed with a smirk, before tilting my head in thought. As said thought solidified, my smirk returned and grew more sinister by the second, to Happy's visible dismay.

Celestia suddenly groaned and shook her head. I sat up in the seat I'd been provided once we moved to the cushy suite we now sat in. "What's wrong?"

"The ship you were talking about: It was the Wicker Hoofbasket, wasn't it?" She narrowed her eyes with a pained expression and when I nodded she closed them entirely. "I don't- I don't need to hear the rest."

"What?" I mumbled. She turned to face me with an angry leer.

"I read the report extensively. It was some years later when we realized it was you who did such an awful thing, but," she hissed with a shudder, shaking her head. "The images the poor crew's report conveyed." I fixed her with a confused expression before jolting and leaning on the table between us with a smug smile.

"And what image did they report?" I pressed to her visible annoyance.

As instructed, we were sailing south and drawing near to the area around Southpile. We had so far been unmolested and of the few ships we'd spotted, as I anticipated, none gave us a second glance. We were certain we'd arrive at Mount Aris with the gifts Her Majesty prepared within two days.

"Sail ho! Brig! East and bearing down!" Our lookout called. I furrowed my brow and gave a calming gesture to the crew with my hoof before drawing my spyglass to observe the approaching vessel. They had their full sails out and were racing toward us. My lip twitched at their haste, but a calming breath steadied my nerves.

"Captain Scuttle, I don't think they're falling for it," my helms-stallion reported, so I turned and waved a hoof at him.

"Don't be ridiculous," I chided, gesturing forward. "Just keep calm, and-"

"Captain?" A crewmate called up in a thoroughly uneasy tone. Turning, I saw the entire deck now had their eyes fixed on the approaching ship. When I looked that way, I discovered we could now see a creature standing at their bow.

I'd never seen anything quite like it. It was tall and lean, standing on two legs like a diamond dog or minotaur, but it was fully dressed in a dirty white shirt and grey pants. In its right claw was a curved sword, while its left claw kept a firm grip on the line it was hanging from. As alarming as the fact it was armed was, the rest of it was more so.

Its eyes had this strange, eerie light to them, suggesting magic, and its face was twisted into a feral sneer as its shoulders heaved in time with its heavy breathing.

Most importantly, it had its jaws clamped upon the bloodied throat of some poor unicorn who was hanging and twitching from the monster's maw. All of the features I described so far were spattered with small amounts of blood, and there was a faint trickle falling from the pony, who gasped suddenly and struggled for a moment before going still as the monster growled.

Even though we only had a moment to notice the monster, it felt to me like an eternity passed as the pirate ship rolled closer. As I blinked and caught my breath, I heard a whimper at my side. Turning, I saw shipmate Valley Lotus gasping and heaving as tears formed in her eyes from the sight of the thing, especially when it raised its sword and seemed to point it right at her.

"Captain?" My helms-stallion said with a thorough quaver. "One of them is holding a speaking trumpet." Blinking, I turned to see indeed, one of their crew, a green pegasus, now hovered beside their monster and was yelling at us through such a device.

"Surrender and our unholy captain will spare you!" He called, gesturing to the monster at their bow. "If not, then you shall see what a survivor of Tambelon and Grogar's kingdom is really like!"

Due to the rapidly deteriorating morale of the crew, I elected to do as instructed with your pardon, My Lady.

I snorted a few times before breaking and falling into a full-on laughing fit. As I bent and slapped my knee and pounded the table, Celestia maintained her disapproving glare.

"I fail to find the humor, James," she spat, shaking her head as I looked up at her with mirthful tears streaming. "You murdered one of your own-" I wheezed hard, cutting her off. I gasped and coughed, sputtering and waving my hand as I struggled and eventually managed to compose myself.

"The humor is you fell for the very trick we decided on, Lady," I gasped, heaving a few times before wagging a finger at her. "Here's how it went."

"Captain, my back is killing me," Happy moaned.

"Same here. Just hold tight," I moaned right back as best I could with his fur in my mouth. The harness holding him up that we'd quickly fashioned was biting into my neck, despite the fact we'd fixed it to also pull on the line I had a grip on. That, plus a little spare blood Holiday had aboard, had allowed us to paint me and Happy up like I'd mauled him and was now holding him from my bare teeth

"I think they can see us. Hit it," I urged. Happy murmured and lip up his horn, spreading his magic over my face and hopefully giving me an unnatural glow.

He suddenly gasped and started kicking his hooves. "Ah! That tickles! Let me down, let me down!"

"Shut up!" I hissed, gently rattling him and immediately regretting it as the harness strained my neck. He strained and then held still as my shoulder started aching. Raising it and the sword I had a grip on I decided to lean into it and jabbed the cutlass at some random crew member I could faintly see through the magical light currently blinding me.

"Surrender and our unholy captain will spare you!" Gab suddenly screamed through an old-timey megaphone. Right in my ear. "If not, then you shall see what a survivor of Tambelon and Grogar's kingdom is really like!"

"Fuck you," I squeaked.

"Seems to have done the trick though," he mused as shortly thereafter, the sloop's sails were furrowed and the Equestrian flag was hastily torn down and replaced with a white one.

"Thank God," I huffed.

"Now can I get down?" Happy pressed.

Celestia considered me with a wide-eyed even leer that I matched with a smug smirk as I strained to restrain another laughing fit.

"James," she began.

"Mhm?" I managed.

"That's not funny, James," she declared.

"Mm Mm!" I agreed, shaking my head with a twitching and furrowed brow. A shaky silence followed as she held her displeased glare until I finally sputtered hard at her and fell from my chair laughing.