Cross Your Fingers

Chapters

You Can Lie
Love or Lust
I Want You
Much Different Circumstances
How to Love

You Can Lie

Chapter I: You Can Lie

DISCLAIMER: There are two commonly accepted meanings of crossing your fingers. One could mean you are wishing for luck and the other usually means that you are lying about something. For the purposes of this story, crossing fingers will be in reference to a lie. This is the definition to keep in mind since this will be a running theme throughout these chapters. This story will also have mentions and/or descriptions of sexual acts. You have been warned. This story is a fic I made for my good friend, Ty! It is her birthday today, so I figured that it would only be fitting to give her a fic of an idea that she helped me polish up when I was first thinking about it. This idea is something I am extremely excited to showcase and I am so glad that Ty helped me finalize it. Happy birthday, Ty! I hope you have an amazing birthday with lots of love from friends and family!

The applause rings clear inside this small nightclub. Even though I can feel a small amount of sweat on my forehead, I can’t help but smile. This was a good performance, all things considered. I hate the people who frequent this place, but the job pays well and I get a chance to hone my voice. In this world, money is even more important than ever. Creatures in Equestria could usually rely on the kindness of others if they ran low on currency. Here? Everyone is left for themselves. The girls and I definitely need the money, all things considered.

Stepping off the small stage, I try to smile at the patrons that give me compliments. In reality, all I want is to be away from them. The only good parts about this job are the pay and the performances. To put it kindly, the utterances of these customers usually border on imbecilic. Hence why I find it superfluous to interact with them. The best thing to do is to sing a song when I’m needed and leave once my shift is completed.

Walking into the back room, I take a deep breath. The room is musty, consisting of supplies for the bar and a couple of chairs. At least it offers some solace between the songs. It can be boring sitting back here though. On the other side of the room, a girl with white skin and blue hair looks through the music albums on the shelf. Honestly, I don’t recognize her at all. I’ve never seen her here. I’m guessing she is just another waitress that was hired yesterday or something like that. Trying to ignore her, I sit down, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself. Unfortunately, my moment of solace doesn’t last long as this new employee walks my way.

“Yo, nice job you did out there. It’s been a while since I’ve heard a live gig,” the woman tells me, giving me a peace sign with her fingers. “With every place going digital now, it’s nice to see some people still singing with their own voices rather than tech-assisted stuff.” Before I can think of a response, the intruder of my personal space offers her hand. “I’m Vinyl. I just landed this job to be a regular DJ while I am trying to get my music off the ground. You did a great job with your last performance for the place.”

Raising my eyebrow, I ignore her hand, straightening my back. Talkative people always have a way of annoying me, but one thing intrigues me this time around. What does she mean by my last performance?

“I’m afraid I do not know what you are referring to,” I respond quietly, trying to not sound too interested. The shorter I can keep this conversation, the better. Vinyl seems extremely confused by the way she lets her sunglasses slack off her face slightly.

“I… Huh? The whole reason this place was offering me the job was because their singers are leaving. At least that’s what I was told? Are you not quitting?” Leaving? Huh… So, management told her I was going of my free will. All while I haven’t been told a thing. I’m being fired… They couldn’t have had the decency to tell me to my face? Or at least give me a call? After everything I have done here, they could have told me ahead of time… The girls and I don’t have a lot of money saved up as it is. I could barely find this job without a valid ID. Now I’m just expected to go find a new career as if every place isn’t looking at your background. Or lack thereof… A look of realization comes across the features of this stranger. “Oh my god… I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was a full blown replacement. If I had, I would have-”

“It’s fine. You didn’t know,” I barely respond, holding back my anger to the best of my ability. Despite how hard I try, I cannot seem to unravel my fingers from the fist they have become. I’ve never liked this place, but finding a job that pays a decent wage without a birth certificate is difficult… Of course they fire me like this. If they have been planning on telling me at all, I suppose they are probably going to ask me to meet with them at the end of the day. In a way, it feels ironic. I guess I did ruin lives in the past. Is this some sort of karma? If this is, it is like some cruel joke. Fuck my life… Standing up from my seat, I grab one of the bottles of their whiskey. The smooth texture of the glass does little to distract me, but the contents of the bottle surely will once I get out of here.

“Again, I’m sorry. I could try to talk to them and-”

“They don’t deserve me anyway,” I interrupt Vinyl while rolling my eyes. Paying the bills will be harder over the next couple weeks, but if this is how I am going to be treated, I wouldn’t want to keep this job anyway. Turning my gaze towards the woman, I hold the bottle in view. Maybe I’m not thinking straight, but I am sure as hell not leaving this place without some of this whiskey. “If you see them, tell them that I am taking this bottle as my last paycheck.”

“So, what did you do to get fired?” Aria asks me in an annoyed tone, her arms crossed. Sonata’s eyes are full of curiosity as well, making it harder for me to think of something plausible. The truth is that I didn’t do anything. The club just wanted to have more electronic media since it is cheaper than hiring live performances. The shiny appeal of capitalism strikes at the hearts of those less fortunate than the high and mighty. To think I used to be on the top of the food chain… A powerful siren now forced to work my way up from the bottom. It would be a lot easier if this world did not require identification everywhere you go. Background checks, references, academic history. None of that was required when I had magic… “You know I am between jobs right now. This place isn’t cheap,” Aria informs me while referencing our shared apartment with her hands.

“I didn’t do anything to get myself fired, Aria,” I respond with anger, rolling my eyes. “I just wasn’t a priority of theirs. They wanted more automatic entertainment, that’s all. I will be looking for a new job soon.” Not that there’s many places willing to hire someone with no background in this world… I fucking hate this place. My life… One would not blame me for thinking of this place as hell, right? The only good things about the human world are the booze and… her. Someone that can take away all my stress with a good time. Even though she is the one that took my magic away from me, I don’t blame her. She was just trying to protect her home like any self-serving mortal… It was my ego that made me think I was unstoppable. I should have had a second plan. Not that it matters now since I’m reduced down to the same level as every other human…

At this point, it’s an impossible dream to return to Equestria. Especially without my magic. All I can do is hope to climb the ladder here and possibly get in a position of power. Even with the limitations on women in this world… At least I have her to provide some entertainment and escape from reality. The one person I’ve been able to escape to during stressful points. To give me just a moment of fun in the face of imminent downfall.

“I don’t earn enough as a waitress to support us myself,” Sonata tells us with a mixture of fear and confusion on her face.

“We know,” both Aria and I reply in annoyed tones. Aria crosses her arms, not offering an idea of how we can fix this situation. The only thing I can do is try to look for any other potential jobs tomorrow. It’s already mid afternoon. Every place is closing by now. The places that are still open are probably out of job openings anyway considering they’re mostly fast food restaurants. Considering how much those positions pay in general, there’s not much of a chance we could afford this place even if I did have one of those jobs.

“This isn’t good, Adagio. How do you expect us to get by exactly?” Aria nags me, making the already bright fire in my heart burn more. The cinders of anger is the only emotion that I can rely on during moments like these…

“Don’t tell me like I’m the one who is solely responsible. You have been out of work for weeks if you can’t recall.” My statement of the truth stuns her into silence, her eyes looking at me as if I am a monster for bringing that up. It’s not some sinful secret though… It’s the truth. If she’s going to get mad at me for losing my job, she should also address the fact that she’s barely been pulling her weight around here. Awfully convenient that she feels comfortable pointing out my own flaws without checking herself.

“How dare you?! I’ve been applying to places every day. I hate working more than anyone, but you know I have been trying,” Aria snarls, walking over to me as if she wants to cause me harm. However, she doesn’t raise her fist or kick her foot towards me. She just stands mere inches away from me as if she is a lion intimidating another to back down. Sonata pulls Aria back, trying to intervene.

“None of us are trying to screw us over. Do you realize how stupid you two sound? The best thing we can do is have our backs,” Sonata reminds us with a more firm tone than I have ever heard her use.

“Maybe if you would use your brain, you’d see how Adagio pointlessly attacked me,” Aria states with a middle finger aimed at me. Sonata’s eyes widen at the gesture. Everything in me wants to slap Aria, but I can just barely hold myself back.

“You don’t have a brain right now, idiot! Why do you always have to be so difficult?” Sonata pushes Aria slightly, her once peaceful attitude now gone.

“You’re so stupid,” Aria complains with a groan, her shoulders slumping. While the two of them argue, I take my chance to walk away. Everything will be a lot better if I just get away from these two for the time being. Then we can come back to this with open minds. A lot less insults. Insults that only prove to kill more of my brain cells. This is so… fucking dumb. It’s like my thoughts are all crashing into each other because I can’t focus on one at a time. First I lose my job, then I have my only two friends yelling at me and each other. I’m so… stressed. “Where are you going?!”

Turning my head to look towards them, I see Aria glaring at me angrily. Sonata also looks a little annoyed that I am so close to the front door. Shrugging, I take a deep breath. As much as I try to formulate my thoughts, it doesn’t exactly work how I would hope. It feels like my brain is just in this fog of overload…

“I’m heading out for the night. I’ll be back by tomorrow. We can talk about this then,” I try to say calmly, but I can’t seem to hide my anger.

“You’re going out? Now? Let me guess. You’re going to spend the night with your glorified sex toy, right?” Aria accuses me with her arms thrown out to her sides. She just called her what…? I… “Sonata and I know about your dirty little secret with her. So, you get fired and you immediately try to get your booty call? Real mature, Dagi…”

Clenching my fist, I can feel my teeth grind against each other. She’s not wrong in her assumption. This relationship has been a glorified sexual release for the both of us, but… Something inside me feels off when she is called something as demeaning as a toy. Even if I have been using her for that purpose.

“We’re friends with benefits. And she has a name,” I barely let out without growling, my throat feeling tight from how hard I have to hold back from yelling.

“Enemy? Satan? The life ruiner?” Sonata asks me, backing up Aria’s distaste for the person I’ve spent a lot of my time with recently. “She took away our magic. Kind of seems counterproductive,” she mentions in a polite yet uncomfortable tone. A small sound like a whimper comes from my throat due to my body instinctively trying to yell. Holding it back is so hard. I would have just yelled at them by now, but… They’re not wrong. I wish I could justify it to myself. Just… Ugh. Grabbing the doorknob, I open the front entrance of our apartment.

“No. Her name is Shimmer.”

Heavy breathing sounds a lot louder in a bedroom of this size. The walls are covered in decorations of rock bands, video games, and pictures of Shimmer and her friends. The only light is a soft orange lamp sitting on the nightstand next to me, perfectly in place to illuminate the woman grinding against me. Her soft skin barely glistens in the soft glow from a layer of sweat. Her eyes are closed as her hands hold onto my bare legs with the might of a god. In a steady rhythm, her body rocks back and forth against my own, her fingers twitching at each jolt of electricity running through us. Her moans fill the room’s four walls, making me feel more alone.

She is having the time of her life, chasing a physical high. A peak that will ultimately end in a crescendo before crashing her back down to reality. However, I do not share that same enthusiasm. No matter how I try to chase after that sweet-as-strawberries orgasm, my body won’t let me get close to that cliff. The edge where all rhyme and reason fade into obscurity. A place that Shimmer is exceptional at pushing me to. This time is different. I feel some of our brazen sexual affair throughout my body, but none of it is exciting. None of it brings me joy. Instead, my thoughts are still a fog. Everything seems so fucking complicated that even something as beautiful as Shimmer’s naked form can’t spark a neuron in my brain.

Instead, I can’t help but watch as she gets closer to that peak. I can’t bring myself to fake a moan because everything feels so fake. So worthless. It’s not like she notices anyway. She’s too into it to realize I have been staring at her for the last ten minutes. Shimmer hugs my left leg as she grinds down harder than before, gently biting into my calf. The way her teeth cling to my flesh would normally send sparks down my spine, but that ember isn’t present here. All I can seem to feel is the burning anger and overwhelming stress clouding my mind. Aria was right. I’m drowning myself in physical pleasures while my life drowns further than it did when I lost my magic. The worst part is that my mind won’t even let me experience these pleasures. I’m just numb to it all…

A small moan escapes Shimmer’s lips as one of her hands braces herself on my stomach. Her eyes finally open, a seductive stare aimed directly at me until it disappears a second later. After making eye contact, she stops moving. Her grip on my body immediately becomes lax. A look of concern spreads across her face, which is almost comical due to her sex-ridden figure.

“Adagio, are you alright? Am I doing something wrong?” she asks in a caring tone. One that almost makes me believe her. Despite her heavy breaths, she acts as if she wasn’t on the brink of pleasure just a second ago. “Are you tired of this position? If you want, I could go down on you?” Clearly, she wants to make me feel good as well. I don’t understand why… It almost makes me wish she actually cares about me. It’s so stupid. This world. My life. I can’t believe I would actually want someone to care. I’m supposed to be above that. I don’t need anyone. I’m supposed to be strong.

“I’m fine,” I whisper in response, trying to persuade her to keep going. She does not budge though. Instead, she gets off of me, resting on her knees in front of me. I feel so bare to have her look down on me like this. It’s only my body that is vulnerable. Not my mind…

“Hey, if you aren’t feeling it, we can do this another time. I’m not going to kick you out for that. It’s okay if you want to stop,” she tries to reassure me, her hand gingerly touching my thigh. Her hand is slow, making sure I am comfortable with the graze of her fingers. “You… can also tell me anything. I won’t judge you for how you feel.” How far I have fallen to think that her touch is almost comforting… I shouldn’t need reassurance. I shouldn’t need any of this. I’m supposed to be strong. Capable. Above mortal desires. But my life just feels like everything is going wrong with no way to prevent it.

“Stop that,” I respond quietly, pushing myself up to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Stop what?” she asks me. Her voice is thoroughly confused, not understanding what I mean in the slightest.

“Stop acting like you care,” I finally state louder, closing my eyes. “I’m your hookup. Your dirty plaything. Why are you acting like feelings matter in our little engagement?” My fist hits the edge of the bed slightly, wondering just why I can’t seem to let go of this stress. Shimmer moves closer to me, sitting on the edge of the bed. I can feel her gaze which I cannot return glued to me. Her hand touches the top of my back, sliding underneath my unfurled hair. Everything in me says that I should shake off her kind gesture, but I can’t quite bring myself to do so.

“No matter the situation, your feelings matter. We all have emotions. It’s not wrong to feel off some days,” she whispers, trying her best to accommodate for boundaries I have not properly communicated. “If something is wrong, I want to help… In any way I can.”

Looking up from the ground, her soft cyan eyes reflect a warm glow. It almost feels like I can trust what she’s saying. But she’s part of the reason I’m so stressed as it is.

“Shimmer, you have no idea how much I hate life. Ever since you took my magic away years ago, it’s just been a constant slide to the worst the human world has to offer.” Shaking my head, I try my best to take a deep breath. Even though I have forgiven her by now, I still wish I hadn’t been reduced to such a mortal shell. A piece of life that feels inevitably useless. “I’m supposed to be strong and powerful, but I can’t seem to stop the few things I have from going wrong. Fuck this,” I whisper, burying my head in my hands. It all feels like I’m racing to the end. I’m not supposed to need validation. Or to be told I’m okay. Then why is it something I can’t help but imagine? I’m supposed to have the plan to get Aria, Sonata and me to a better position. God damn it…

“What is going wrong?” Shimmer asks me quietly, pulling me closer to her with her arm wrapped around me. The mere idea of someone embracing me for comfort makes me feel weak, but… it’s different wih her. For some god forsaken reason, it feels okay. Nice even…

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact I keep losing jobs in this stupid capitalist world you live in. I keep having fights with Aria and Sonata to the point that it feels like maybe I’m the one dragging them down when I was their leader previously.” Taking a deep breath, I can feel my eyes starting to tear up. I can’t let myself cry… That would be the worst thing I could do here. “Some days, it feels like no tone would care if I’m gone. At least when I had my magic, ponies knew my name and would celebrate my disappearance. Now it feels like I’m barely here. When I had such a big influence previously, that is hard to deal with.” Looking down at the floor, I can’t help but notice my feet directed themselves inward as if I am afraid or nervous. Pathetic… “I’m not supposed to want people to care. I’m a siren. I was the best siren… It wasn’t in my vocabulary to care or be cared for. I hate that this human world has made me feel so many stupid emotions. Things that I was never supposed to feel.”

A silence follows my words, making the bedroom feel eerily solitary. However, Shimmer doesn’t let go of me, insisting to sit beside me for whatever reason. Her hand rubs my shoulder as if I’m some dumb child in need of consoling. Instead, she breathes deeply beside me, coaxing my own breathing in a way.

“Adagio,” she whispers, “no living creature is exempt from emotions. No one is supposed to be strong all the time and forbid themselves from being vulnerable. If you do that, you’re more likely to hurt yourself in the long run.” Shimmer’s hand reaches towards my chin, bringing my gaze towards hers. A welcoming smile almost makes me feel like she likes listening to my pointless speech. “It is okay to want someone to care. It’s normal. We want to matter. You do matter.” Her eyes tell me that she genuinely believes this. That I still matter as some husk of a mortal human even though I surely mattered more when I had power.

My body feels… cold. I feel so alone, even with her arm wrapped around me. Despite how hard I try to hold it back, tears fall down my cheek as the once bright fire of anger in my heart is snuffed out. I’m so stupid for this… I shouldn’t be crying. I shouldn’t be like this. Why am I so emotional today of all days? She’s just my sexual secret, but… why is she making me feel like everything can be alright? She seems so sincere, but I know she doesn’t care for me. Not like that. I just… I… Why does she want to help me?

“Shimmer, can you do something? For me?” I barely ask her, feeling my throat threaten to close. Her eyes widen, nodding almost immediately. “Lie to me…” Her caring features are replaced by a confused expression, making her tilt her head.

“Lie…? About what?” she asks me, still holding me close to her.

“Tell me you love me…” The words leave my mouth, uncaring for how my mind may object to such a request. What is said cannot be taken back… I uttered those words. I just need to explain. “Cross your fingers and tell me you love me. Please. I… I know it’s a lie and I don’t want it to be the truth, but… I want to believe for a second that I’m not alone. That someone could care for me even after all the stuff I have gone through.” The words keep flowing, making me feel worse for thinking of such a request. “I just… I need to hear it. If you want to help, that’s all I want. Nothing more. Nothing less. A simple lie. A lie to make me believe I have a reason to still breathe in this human world.”

Shimmer’s face looks conflicted, her hand still on my shoulder. Though her embrace has not ended, her lips do not utter a single word. Her eyes remain locked with mine, a gaze of pure confusion telling me just how she feels. However, a small smile spreads across her lips after a few seconds. Raising her other hand, Shimmer crosses her fingers in front of me, her eyes now sincere once more.

“I love you, Adagio,” she whispers with a happy smile. Everything about how she says it seems so real except for her hand. It feels so genuine… For a second, it feels like my body is warm and that everything might be okay. It doesn’t last long since I know it is a lie, but… It still meant something. “Stop calling me Shimmer. Please call me Sunset. And… I don’t want you to think of me as some booty call. I really do want to be your friend. If you’d let me.” Sunset’s fingers are no longer crossed, implying she is telling the truth about that part. That still remains to be seen, but I should probably honor her request since she did what I asked…

“Alright… Thank you. Sunset…” For some reason, it feels like something just changed and I’m not sure if I can handle that…

Love or Lust

Chapter II: Love or Lust

BMMM

There it is. The sound of my phone vibrating against the nightstand. There is no tone to alert me to whatever notification is trying to get my attention. I always turn off the sound on my phone other than for phone calls. I’d rather not wake up to a text if I can avoid it. Especially if it is a text from Aria or Sonata trying to pester me with another question… Or, in this case, probably trying to bother me about the fight we had yesterday. I was lucky enough that I was able to slip in the apartment while they were asleep this morning.

BMMM

Another notification… I was hoping to sleep through the afternoon, but I suppose the world has different plans for me. Opening my eyes, an instinctive groan escapes my lips. My body isn’t happy to get out of bed, but I will just have to suck it up… Reaching over for my phone, I tap the screen, seeing that it is four in the afternoon. If only it could be later. I will have to talk to Aria and Sonata at some point if I plan on leaving my room at all. Turning my phone on, I see that the notifications are texts, but not from the usual suspects. This time, they are from a person I wasn’t expecting.

“How are you holding up?” the text reads, a picture of a woman with the bright demeanor of the summer next to it. I didn’t think Sunset would text me today… We usually only text each other to hook up. Did I just think of her as Sunset? Not Shimmer? “If you ever feel that bad again, please tell me. I want to help, you know? Even if I have to cross my fingers again.” The text is accompanied by a heart and a fingers crossed emoji.

Oh… That. I forgot that she even said that last night. A part of me feels so stupid for requesting such a vulnerable thing of her. Especially now that I feel less stressed overall. God, all I needed was some sleep. Instead, I broke down and asked for reassurance like any other human. It’s so… moronic. That’s why I thought of her as Sunset. She asked me to call her that instead of Shimmer. As stupid as I feel, it didn’t feel… bad. Even though I am judging myself heavily, she didn’t. No matter what I said, she listened. I… Is it wrong to think that it felt nice?

“I’m okay. Surprised you’re texting me,” I type into my phone. The image of her asking to be friends flashes into my mind. Even though she wasn’t crossing her fingers at that time, it makes me wonder if she was truthful at that time. Not that it matters. I don’t need friends. I just… wouldn’t mind having her as a friend.

“I’m glad to hear that~ Well, I guess I can’t hear you actually.” I can imagine her voice saying that joke out loud. She’s probably giggling on her end, thinking that she is so funny. It’s a low hanging fruit of a joke, but I suppose it’s nice that she has a sense of humor. “Are you doing anything today? Around 8 PM?” A new text appears on my screen, making me raise my eyebrow.

“No. I should be free. Your libido must be high if you want to meet for a second day in a row,” I reply hesitantly, trying to think about whether or not I’d like to go over for a ‘round two’. The texting icon pops up and disappears multiple times. I wonder what she is thinking…

“I’m not lusting after you again so soon,” Sunset texts me with a laughing emoji. “A couple friends are coming over to watch a movie. You don’t have to come, but are you interested?” A movie… She’s inviting me over without the expectation of sex. I guess she is serious about being friends.

…

Why is my heart beating faster…?

And why am I smiling?

“I’m not sure the Rainbooms would be very happy to see me,” I type without mentioning how the displeasure would be shared… Pushing myself up to sit on the side of the bed, I take a deep breath. It might be fun to do something with her that is more… innocent. But would I really be able to be around her friends? Would my annoyance outweigh any potential benefit?

“I already told them I was spending time with you months ago. They won’t be mean or anything like that. I promise.” The tone of her message almost sounds pleading. From anyone else, that would be pathetic, but from her? It just seems like she really wants me to come over. And she told them? Why? What did she tell them? “It’s only going to be Rainbow Dash and Rarity. They will be on their best behavior.”

“You casually tell your friends about the amazing sex you have with a siren?” I type into the phone, almost feeling tempted to laugh. However, that joy is short-lived. I still have to give her an answer to her request after all. “I’ll see if I can,” I respond with a sigh, shaking my head. Typing another few words, I can’t help but wonder if I am making a mistake by even contemplating it. “I have to talk with Aria and Sonata first. If I get done with that before eight, I’ll come by.” Looking down, I notice my legs have been kicking up and down ever so slightly. What the hell is going on with my body? It’s like someone else is controlling my actions. Stopping my legs, I stand up from my bed. Another notification vibrates the phone in my hand.

“I don’t tell my friends about my sex life. I just said I’ve spent time with you. Not in a specific way.” Once again, the typing icon shows up on the screen. Sunset has a lot to say… “Good luck talking with them~ You’ve got this!” A smiling emoji is attached at the end of the message, providing a little extra emphasis on her positive wishes. The fact she believes in me is… inspiring. I wish I had that same level of confidence in me. Instead, I can’t help but feel dread at the idea of talking with them. The last thing I want is for us to fight again, but if they’re still mad, that is probably what will happen anyway.

Slipping on a pair of pajama pants, I quietly open the door of my bedroom. The main living area of our apartment is illuminated by pretty much every light we have. One of them is here at least… Walking slowly into the living room, I hear some movement in the kitchen area. All I have to do is look to the right to notice Aria standing at the oven. A lovely scent of spices fills the air. It smells like my favorite kind of ramen. I wonder how mad she would be if I asked for so- No. I just need to talk with her. Don’t think about food. I need to prioritize apologizing to her. Not my hunger.

“Heya, sleepy,” Aria comments without turning around. Her tone is a lot more neutral than I was expecting. I was thinking she would be filled with hate and either refuse to talk to me or devolve into yelling again. For once, I’m glad I am wrong. Aria’s body turns towards me, a bowl filled with ramen in her hand. Surprisingly, she holds it out to me with a utensil as well. “I was wondering when you’d come out.” The whole reason I am even out here in the first place is because I gathered up my strength to get this done with. I really wanted to avoid a potential fight, so I don’t blame her for wondering that.

“Yeah… I wasn’t exactly excited to get up.” Taking the bowl, I look at her with a level of skepticism. “Why are you giving me this exactly…?” We were both yelling at each other twenty-four hours ago, yet she just made me a meal? It’s like she doesn’t remember our conflict at all.

“Because you haven’t eaten today?” Aria asks me in an annoyed tone. “You know we have to eat every day. It’s important.” Her attempts to avoid the issue are clearly not going to last long. We both know what needs to be said. I just wonder if she’s willing to talk about it or not. “That and… I don’t know. I kind of took it hard on you last night,” Aria mentions with a shrug, her eyes avoiding mine. So, this is an apology meal. I have to admit that it’s nice of her to go through this effort, especially when I thought I would be apologizing first.

“Thank you. I… appreciate it,” I say quietly, looking down at the bowl. The steam coming from the food warms my face slightly, but I know if I take a bite now, it will burn the hell out of my mouth. “I’m sorry as well… I shouldn’t have accused you of not trying around here.” Aria turns her head back towards me, a surprised but somewhat grateful expression greeting me.

“And I shouldn’t have said you… got yourself fired. You probably did everything right, it’s just frustrating.” Aria rolls her eyes before making herself a bowl of the same ramen. “I’m tired of not having the money we need. I hate this stupid world.”

“You’re not the only one,” I sympathize with her, feeling my shoulders sink. If it wasn’t for the small amount of money we scammed from others before we lost our magic, I am unsure whether we would even be here or not. Would we be even poorer? Or worse yet… “One of the only things keeping me sane is having my ‘fuck buddy’ as you call her.” I look towards Aria, trying to be as genuine as I can. “But she prefers to be my… friend.”

“Are you seriously getting friends? Maybe this world is rubbing off on you,” Aria mentions before she stops walking towards me, a nervous emotion written in her eyes. “Oh, shit! If you’re falling for the magic of friendship crap, that means it’s only a matter of time before I start liking people too. Oh no…” The emo siren hangs her head, clearly saddened by the implication she might develop empathy and worse yet, emotions. Even though she clearly already feels things like regret. If she didn’t, why would she make apology ramen?

“I know. It’s weird. But we might as well try to live some kind of a life. Or we will just keep bottling up our emotions and blowing up at each other again,” I tell her with a shrug. The last thing I want is to keep blowing up at them for pointless things… They deserve better.

“Sonata is also sorry. She’s still at work, but she told me to tell you,” Aria states without making eye contact. The ramen in our hands finally stops steaming, making us both smile at each other. Taking a bite of the spicy noodles, I give her a small nod. To be fair, I already knew that Sonata is sorry. She always is after a big fight, even if it wasn’t her fault. I guess that’s because she is a people pleaser.

“Can you tell her I want to apologize as well?” I ask her quietly, taking another bite of the delicious meal. Aria looks towards me with a skeptical expression, her cheeks full of the ramen from her bowl.

“Won’t you be able to tell her yourself?” she responds as soon as she is done swallowing. Even if I am home when she gets back, I will likely be asleep. It all depends on how long this movie lasts…

“I have a… prior engagement.”

The lights flicker on the dark walls, the only source of illumination coming from the TV screen. In a moment, a man screams before a dinosaur crushes him in half with its teeth. Blood sprays everywhere as more people scream. The story makes little sense, but the voices are great. The actors really make it feel like they are terrified. That doesn’t explain why someone would think of making a movie like this though. They would have to be demented, sadistic, a hint of masochism, and narcissistic to make something as silly as this.

“That was my favorite part,” Rainbow Dash laughs, eagerly eating some of the popcorn on the coffee table. Ah, yes. Rainbow Dash. The spitting image of the person I think about when I try to visualize the fan base of a movie like this. It makes sense considering her poor taste and narcissistic tendencies. Rarity, on the other hand, has those same tendencies, but they’re shown in dramatically different ways. The fashionista, sitting on the other side of the couch, has her hand over her eyes.

“Really, darling? Gore is what gets you excited for a film? How deplorable,” she mentions with a scoff, making Sunset giggle. Even though I expected for them to be antagonistic towards me, Rainbow Dash and Rarity have actually been quite cordial. Welcoming. I can’t tell if they’re waiting for me to lower my guard or not… Just because I have been spending time with Sunset doesn’t mean that I like them… “Have you not tried something more nuanced like psychological horror?” In response to Rarity’s question, Rainbow Dash simply sticks her tongue out.

“I thought you would like movies with gore, Rarity. You seem to spend a lot of time with mature materials,” Sunset jokes to her friend. I can’t pretend to understand the context, but I’m sure Sunset is probably telling the truth.

“J-just because I sometimes spend my time leisurely reading more mature novels does not mean I like mindless torture gore,” Rarity states in a defensive tone, her normally white face now red.

“Sure. I bet you only pick the books with sex scenes because of the ‘emotions’, right?” Rainbow Dash snickers while another scream comes from the TV. Rarity’s eyes flare with anger, crossing her arms.

“I do read them for the emotions! I wouldn’t expect a brute like yourself to understand something like true love.” Rarity looks at Sunset and me for some kind of support, an awkward expression dawning on her. “You must surely feel the same, right, Adagio? From one lady to another?” Clearly, she is looking for a similar response, but I do not read romance novels. Nor do I think that I would engage with certain erotic material for the emotions of it all. I’ve never been in love. I don’t see the point…

“I don’t engage with romantic material. Especially more adult content,” I reply with a small wave of my hand, letting her know she is on her own with this one. Rarity seems even more embarrassed as Rainbow Dash starts taunting her again. However, the words seem to fade away as I realize something grabbing my hand. Looking to my side, I see that Sunset’s hand is holding onto mine, placed conveniently between us where it would be hard for the other two to see this. I… What is she doing?

“If you don’t engage with that material, then have you ever been in love? In real life?” Sunset asks me curiously in an innocent tone. Even though she is asking me like a friend, I can’t help but focus on her hand.

“What are you doing?” I ask her quietly, trying to not draw the attention of her friends. Sunset looks down at our hands before giggling to herself.

“Sorry. I just find it easier to watch scary movies when I have something to touch. Or someone.” Her gaze connects with mine again, the blue lights dancing upon her eyes. “I could ask one of the others if you’re uncomfortable with it. I’m sorry.” Her innocent tone sounds truthful enough. So, she wasn’t trying to flirt with me… Good. I was worried she was trying to make a move. Tell me something.

I’m not exactly a nice person. I would feel sorry for her if she did try something on me. I’m a lone act. I’m… Who in their right mind would flirt with me legitimately? They should know I would just put myself first… right?

That doesn’t mean I’m… uncomfortable.

“I’m fine with it,” I whisper, feeling my heart beat faster… Sunset smiles, nudging me with her shoulder.

“I’m glad you decided to come. It’s nice to spend time with friends like this.” The energy that radiates off her smile is weirdly satisfying. In a way, I might actually be enjoying this… As stupid as it sounds, spending time with her in a context other than sex is… amusing. Maybe this world can be interesting after all.

“Oh, shit. I forgot this movie is part one of a two-parter,” Rainbow Dash states with dismay as the credits start to roll. Honestly, I don't even know how it ended. Sunset was doing a good job at distracting me. I don't know why I let myself get caught up on my thoughts like that. I was supposed to be watching the movie. I wasn't that interested in the movie anyway. Or her weird actions…

“Do you have the second movie, Sunset?” Rarity asks with interest, her previously embarrassed demeanor remains only as a memory. I’m frankly surprised they are even suggesting we watch another film at this time. It’s almost eleven. Do they usually hang out late into the night?

“Yeah, I actually do. Do you all want some more popcorn too?” Sunset asks us with a smile. The other two nod, but I simply hold my hand up in the air. Standing up from my seat, I take a deep breath as my body starts to wake up again.

“Unfortunately, I should probably go. You will have to watch the sequel without me,” I tell them with a shrug, picking up my jacket. “It is late, but… thank you for your hospitality, Rainbooms,” I barely express, feeling the words burn my throat. I can’t believe that I am thanking these people, but I know Sunset would be sad if I don’t get along with them.

“It was definitely an interesting venture, darling,” Rarity responds with a nod. “It is nice to see that you are getting accustomed to this world after our little scuffle at the Battle of the Bands.” I… What right does she think she has to mention how well I’m adjusting? She has no idea how much this world has treated me like a worm… I was on top. Is it really justice that I had to fall all the way to the bottom? I did not have a choice. Now it feels like everything is against me. She’s so fucking-

Whatever… She doesn’t know what she’s saying. It’s fine, Adagio. If you let her get under your skin when she wasn’t trying to, then you’re the pathetic one. Don’t let it get to your head. She’s just ignorant. Stay composed. Breathe.

“Could you two find the movie and start it? I want to say bye,” Sunset says before standing up and slipping on some sandals despite the chilly air outside. Sunset leads me to the door, opening it in front of us. As soon as she closes it, her smile disappears. Her eyes meet mine with a saddened gaze, making me wonder why she would look at me like that. “Hey,” she whispers, the wind blowing on her face. “I didn’t make you uncomfortable, did I? I would hate it if that's the reason why you’re leaving.”

“No, you didn’t.” I can’t help but feel confused. I wasn’t trying to imply that in the slightest, but maybe Sunset has a problem with overthinking as well… “I have to hunt for a job tomorrow. I need some sleep. I’m not leaving because of anything you or your friends did. That would be incredibly manipulative of me.” My cheeks flush for a second as the image of her holding my hand invades my mind. She’s wrong for thinking I was uncomfortable. I actually kind of lik-

“Oh, that’s good to know,” Sunset replies with a sigh of relief. “I sincerely hope you find something worth your time~ You deserve some good luck after everything that has happened recently.” Despite the fact that she is referring to my loss of a job, the only thing I can think of is the way she held me yesterday. The way she tried her best to make me of all people feel better even though she had no obligation to. Out of everything that has happened recently, that is the one thing that keeps popping into my mind uninvited. “I’ll be rooting for you,” Sunset gleefully states while crossing her fingers. For luck obviously, but… Seeing that gesture makes me feel weird. Just like how she did it yesterday… Accompanying that sign were three words that… I…

“Thank you,” I whisper simply, a lack of words leading to my unusual quiet nature. Sunset wraps her arms around me in a tight hug. A gesture I do not return.

“Get home safe. Goodnight,” Sunset bids me farewell, turning towards the door of her apartment. Something inside me feels wrong. Every nerve screams at me to do something, but I have no idea what it is that I am supposed to do. This goodbye feels off. I need to say something… Something important. My throat locks up. I know I am supposed to say something, but… I can’t say that, can I? That’s so… emotional. Showing emotions towards a mortal. But she wouldn’t judge…

“I love you too.” The words push through my lips before she can open the door, making her turn her head back towards me. Crossing my fingers, I can feel embarrassment wash over me. Instantly, I regret letting those words escape. “I never replied last night. You helped me by saying that. So… I should return it.” There’s no other reason… She said it. I should say it back. To be polite.

“Thank you. That makes me feel better too,” Sunset whispers with a blush enveloping her. I’m not sure why she has such a reaction to those words. She should know that we’re both lying. None of it is the truth. “As you said before, it’s nice to delude myself into thinking that someone has the capability of caring for a person like me,” she tells me as if someone would find it difficult to care about her. She’s too nice for her own good. Anyone that can show their own emotions would find it easy to befriend her and even care about her. Anyone that isn’t me. Sunset raises her hand again, crossing her fingers with me. It’s so dumb how different the two meanings of this gesture are to one another. To anyone else, they may think we are wishing each other luck before saying goodbye. To us, we both know we’re lying to each other. But for some reason, that lie is not hurtful. It doesn’t sting at my heart. Instead, it’s almost nice. I’m the last person who should want a lie like this, but here I am. Caught in the idea that those caring words make this world not a complete waste of time…

“I should let you get back to your movie,” I tell her with a roll of my eyes. “I’m not sure why your friends like gore fests, but I hope you enjoy it.”

“Oh? So you didn’t like dinosaurs biting people?” Sunset teases me with a snicker. “Funny that you like it when I bite then~” Sunset gives me a wink, making me widen my eyes. Before I can retort, Sunset waves and opens the door, slipping into her apartment. Just like that, only the sound of the wind accompanies me. A small smile spreads across my lips. My body has been acting off all day, but no matter what I try, this stupid smile won’t go away. Walking away from the front door, I exhale through my nose. She really is a weird person.

I Want You

Chapter III: I Want You

“So, are you in?” Her question is so casual, despite the nature of her request. The windy day makes my hair a nuisance to deal with on my walk back home. The fact that she decided to call me right after work is ironic since I was just thinking about her as well… But that doesn’t make her request any less weird.

“Let me make sure I heard you correctly,” I talk into the phone, continuing down the sidewalk. “Out of all people, you want to have a picnic with me? In the middle of November at that… Why not ask one of your friends?” Over the past couple of weeks, Sunset has asked me to hang out a lot. She would always come up with these fun ideas that seem just a little too… intimate? Of course, I wouldn’t want her to not ask me along… I… I really enjoy her company. I don’t think I can say that out loud, but it’s true.

Every fucking time we talk recently, she makes my heart beat faster by just being herself. Ever since that one night, she has popped into my mind randomly and I can’t stop it. Despite how I may act annoyed, I treasure all the times she has asked me to spend time with her… Why do I have to think about her so much? To enjoy her silly smile and her stupid ideas above anyone else.

I know why… I keep trying to deny it, but… I know why she has enveloped my mind so much. Why I keep wondering how she is doing. I can’t admit that I have emotions like any other creature, but she makes mine run wild with a simple glance. Or whenever she touches my hand… I hate how much my heart beats with her influence. I wish it could be a lot more simple.

“I want to have a picnic with you,” Sunset responds in a somewhat sad tone that I would suggest her reaching out to someone else. I don’t want her to ask someone else, but… these emotions can’t be good for me, can they? The way they have taken over my mind. Would it be better for both of us if I just avoided her a little bit? “And only you. Just you and me with a nice meal and a pleasant conversation. I think it’d be nice. Is that a crime?”

“It’s a crime for me to be seen doing something so human,” I respond while rolling my eyes. Even though I act annoyed, my mind has been reacting happily ever since she asked. I won’t admit that, but… I want to go with her. “Let me look at my schedule,” I respond, knowing damn well I have nothing planned for the rest of the day. After waiting a few seconds, I can almost swear I hear Sunset’s soft breaths on the other end as if she’s anxious to hear my response. If she is looking forward to it that much, wouldn’t it be a real crime to deny her? “Alright, I can attend. What exactly do you want me to bring?” There’s not much I can get anyway with my current paycheck. I’m trying to save up to afford the upcoming bills, but I could maybe bring a couple of sandwiches. That is if Sonata hasn’t used the last of the bread.

“You’ll enjoy it, I promise!” Sunset exclaims excitedly. I can almost visualize her smile now. “You don’t have to bring anything. I have everything under control. Just meet me at the city park, near the west entrance. I’m so excited!” Sunset’s voice is enthusiastic, full of energy at the thought of having a picnic with me. It’s just a simple meal outdoors, but if it is with her, I suppose it could be fun. The problem is that I have absolutely no idea what I would do. Would we just sit around, eating some meal? Or is this something more? Something… No. It’s not worth it to think about a ‘what if’.

“You have asked me to spend time with you a lot over the past couple of weeks,” I whisper into the phone, hoping to hide my skeptical tone. “If you spend this much time with all your friends, you would need eight days in a week.” I… I can’t lie. I’ve enjoyed every second we have spent together. Despite how much my mind bullies myself for showing any kind of emotion, she seems like she actually cares about me for some unknown reason. Even when I think that I am hiding my emotions relatively well, she still clocks how I feel. I don’t get it. She never makes me feel bad for it either. She always says it’s natural to feel sad or happy. Doesn’t she realize I’m supposed to be above all that? Doesn’t she realize I am supposed to be better…? Flawless?

Maybe not… Maybe she sees something that I can’t. Maybe she strips away all of the expectations I uphold because… she doesn’t expect that from me. She doesn’t expect me to be perfect. To be powerful. To be impenetrable. Why? Why in the tartarus would she treat me like any other mortal creature who needs a break? And why do I not mind it? If it was any other damn pony- person… If it was any other person, I would immediately see red at the fact that they decided to treat me like I am one of them. But she’s different. All because of that stupid night where I let my emotions cloud my mind, I can’t stop my heart from beating faster when she is around, hoping for another moment of sincerity above all else. A moment where… maybe I could delude myself again. Maybe she would say those words again. And I can close my eyes, ignoring her crossed fingers.

“Well, yeah… It’s true that I’ve spent more time with you than my other friends,” Sunset admits nervously. “I have just really… really enjoyed your company. But if you don’t want to-”

“I never said that,” I interrupt her, my statement acting as my own self-disclosure. That I too have enjoyed these outings of ours. Blood rushes to my face, a feeling all too familiar of embarrassment and… bliss.

“I’m glad you enjoy my company too,” Sunset whispers, her words trailing off to silence. An uncomfortable amount of quiet passes by, but neither of us know what to say. At least, I assume she feels the same way that I do. Some slight movement on the other end confirms that she has not left the call. “I should probably go for now,” Sunset tells me with a hint of hesitance in her voice. “I have a test for a university class I have to take now. But I will call again before we meet at the park.” At times, I forget that she is even in university. She holds down a job, maintains friendships, keeps up with her apartment and goes to school. All while I can barely keep a job or the apartment I share with two other people. Of course, a big factor of that is the fact that I don’t have any birth certificate or ID. Sunset got hers from making friends with a couple of government officials. She never gave specifics about the process…

“You will do well. I have my fingers crossed for you.” Even though my words are guised under the pretense of luck, the true meaning is far from that…

“I have mine crossed too,” Sunset responds in a quiet but appreciative tone. After a few seconds, I hear the disconnect sound, alerting me that the call has finished. Even though I was using the call as some entertainment from the boring walk home, the truth is that I have been standing on the same street corner for the past few minutes. My hand twitches, almost telling me to dial her number. I can’t though… As much as my mind wants to hear something, I don’t know what that is. Or, more accurately, I want to pretend that I don’t know what I yearn to hear from her…

A car drives past, a gust of wind pushing against me. The phone screen goes black in my hand, but I can’t bring myself to move. The sounds of the city almost seem inaudible compared to the overwhelming silence in my mind. It doesn’t feel real… That I’m standing here. Even though the light signals that it is okay to cross the street, my foot doesn’t move an inch. Everything feels so busy, but nothing is happening. My day is relatively free, but… It feels like there is so much left to do. So many things left to say. I just don’t know what to do. Why does she have to be so kind? Especially to someone like me. I’m supposed to be better than this. Then why does it feel soothing to be treated like an equal instead of a superior? Why can’t I forget the way she sat beside me, running her fingers along my back? Is this some kind of spell? A perk of friendship that she conveniently forgot to tell me? No. Obviously not. As much as I may wish it to be, I am not an idiot. These overwhelming emotions coursing through my heart are not normal. I know what this is, but I don’t want to say it. That would make it true… That would undo hundreds of years of my goals, making me seem fallible. I… I want her…

I can’t say that. Can I?

Sunset and I spread out a blanket under a tree, placed conveniently in its shadow. The bright light of the sun would make it hard for us to eat anywhere else for an extended amount of time. Here is perfect though. Enough shade to give us a cool place to relax. It doesn’t deter bugs, but Sunset brought a weird trap that she claims will take care of that problem. It’s supposed to attract bugs to it more than our food could. To be honest, I am rather impressed at her preparation. I would not have thought of something like that. Then again, I rarely get the opportunity to participate in a picnic. This is the first time I’m taking the idea seriously after all. If anyone else asked me, I would have probably refused.

“Spread out that corner,” Sunset tells me as she methodically evens out the blanket. I don’t understand why, but it’s probably better to just follow along. By the time we get the blanket sorted, Sunset places a basket down. It’s bigger than I was expecting, considering I thought Sunset would pack a couple of sandwiches at most. That appears to be the wrong assumption after all. Sunset sits down on the blanket, patting the side right next to her. “Come on. Don’t be shy~ Sit.” Gently, she reaches inside the basket, pulling out a couple of plates. Sitting down, I quietly help her pull out the contents of the basket. The back of her hand grazes mine… The oddest thing is that I have had sex with her multiple times, but only now have I noticed just how soft her hands are.

Setting down a container, I can’t help but widen my eyes at the sight. I was not expecting for Sunset to bring cherry cheesecake to this picnic… I did not think she would remember that this is my favorite dessert. Have I even mentioned it around her…? Maybe it was during one of those drunken nights? Regardless, the cake itself looks immaculate. Surprisingly, there is no sticker of a bar code either. Did she…

“Where did you buy this stuff?” I ask her with a raised eyebrow, causing the orange lady of mystery to laugh. If she did what I think, then…

“I didn’t buy this. I made it. I had some spare ingredients and I thought maybe it’d be nice to eat something that wasn’t processed at a factory.” Sunset smiles innocently as if the idea of making this food for us isn’t a big deal. In reality, it is a big deal… Not many people have made me a meal. Partially because I don’t trust a lot of people, but still. The fact she wants me to try her food is… honoring. Should I feel honored…? Is this something she does for all of her friends? “What do you want first? Dessert or the main dish? I made some sandwiches with different kinds of meat just in case you don’t like turkey or such. I didn’t know your favorite kind of sandwich.” Yet she knew my favorite dessert… How is she so clueless yet… cute? Why is my heart beating so fast? Despite her awkward demeanor, a part of my mind wants me to reach out and touch her face. This overwhelming desire to be close to her is a new sensation for me. Throughout my long lifetime, never have I felt this way for another living creature. I would usually be disgusted if someone else touched me, but her? It’s almost like I want her to touch me… Why am I being so stupid?

“I think I’d rather have the cake first,” I tell her with a slight pout, pretending like I don’t care. Every part of me cares for some god forsaken reason…

“You don’t want to save the best for last?” Sunset asks me with a laugh, grabbing the container with the cherry cheesecake.

“You’re the best. Not the cake,” I instinctually mutter, an instant blush coming over me. Looking over at her, I see her cheeks are a bright pink now, wide eyes telling me she was not expecting that answer. To be truthful, I don’t even know what I meant by that statement… I just know the cheesecake isn’t the best thing about this moment…

“Are you saying I’m on the menu?” Sunset asks in a flirtatious tone, nudging me with a wink. Despite her insinuation, I was not meaning it in a sexual way. Though, I can see how she came to that conclusion. “Very well. Have it your way,” Sunset teases me as she slices through the cake, setting a slice down on a plate. Handing it to me, Sunset gives me a smile. One that I have seen a lot in the past couple of weeks. “I didn’t know what type of cherries to use, so I just decided to use the same kind as the bakery you told me about.” Sunset takes a bite of her sandwich, the wind blowing through her hair. Honestly, I don’t remember telling her about a bakery. I don’t remember a lot of what happened before we started lying to each other… Many of the nights we spent together were drowned out in alcohol and depression, trying to find just a moment of pleasure before I had to get back to my life. A life that is only worth a damn now of all times.

“You did an amazing job,” I whisper as I take a bite of the cake. The sweet flavor tastes so much richer than any of the store bought cakes I have had before… I can’t tell if it is actually because she used a different recipe or because she was the one that made it. It tastes fresher comparatively… Sweeter. Even though the cake is slightly melted due to the fact that we’re outside, it still feels like heaven in my mouth.

“Thank you. I’m glad you like it,” she responds cheerfully, moving closer to me. “I figured you might like it after a day at work. How is that waitress job working out?” she asks in a genuine curious tone. From others, I might expect rude remarks about a job like this, but she isn’t judgmental in the slightest. Maybe it is because she knows how stressed I was when I lost that club job… I still don’t know what makes her tick. This world has the capability to make me, a powerful siren, feel like I am losing my mind. Yet here she is, still sane. She went through a similar process when she first came to this world. Why is she so hopeful? So kind. Kind enough to lie to my face when I asked her to… To tell me that she loves-

“It’s going well considering what I could be going through,” I respond with a slight shrug, trying to shake my thoughts away. “It’s not the best, but it works. What about your test? How did you score?” A sheepish grin comes across her face as if the memory itself pains her. Taking another bite of her sandwich, Sunset simply looks away from me.

“Eh, 85… Not the worst, but not the best either. I was hoping to get an A on the test,” she mentions with a somewhat downtrodden tone. “But a B is still a good score. Just makes me wonder what exactly I forgot to study.” Sunset’s gaze is locked onto the rest of the park. While the sun shines down on the people around us, I can’t help but think about what is going through her head.

“What class was this test for again?” I ask her not because I’m trying to make conversation, but because I am genuinely interested. From what she has told me, she is taking a variety of classes, covering topics like philosophy of love, advanced algebra, and biology.

“Philosophy,” Sunset whispers with a nod of her head. A moment of silence passes us by, the wind pushing her hair out in front of her temporarily. “Maybe I know more about friendship after all. Maybe,” her eyes connect with my own, a genuine curiosity in her gaze, “I don’t know love as well as I thought…” For a second, it honestly feels like she is trying to tell me something with her eyes alone. I may not be a mind reader, but it’s like she is calling out to me, trying to get me to understand. I wish I could hear a thought… It’s stupid to wish for, but maybe, just maybe, I am thinking the same thing. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get philosophical on you. Maybe I am learning something in that class after all,” Sunset tells me with a giggle, looking back down at her sandwich.

“I’m sure you know more than I do,” I state as I take another bite of the sweetest cake I’ve had in this world. “I don’t often let people get close to me… I’m not exactly very trusting.” Sunset looks confused at my words, tilting her head as if I had said something in another language.

“Then why are Sonata and Aria your friends? How did they win your trust?” Sunset asks me. Her question, as simple as it may be, causes me to think longer than I care to admit. In all honesty, I don’t quite remember exactly how we had met. I just remember that we all decided to team up when we were young and then we never really split up. Even through hard times like this. I never really thought back on it since there hasn’t really been a need to. If Sonata or Aria did leave my life, I guess I would have a reason, but that hasn’t happened. I hope it never does…

“I don’t remember,” I respond slowly, the words hesitantly spilling out into the fresh air. Wisdom is supposed to come with age, but I don’t feel any wiser since my early years with Sonata and Aria. I have felt stuck a lot longer than I admit. It wasn’t the Battle of the Bands that made me feel trapped. It was the lack of an interesting environment. No opportunities to grow or evolve. Learn new tricks. For some reason, it actually feels different now due to her input… “Regardless, I don’t exactly spend a lot of time getting to know people. You’re the only one right now.” Turning my gaze back to her, I notice that her eyes are locked with my lower face. “What are you-”

“Shh. You have some of the cake on your face,” Sunset responds with a giggle, pointing towards her own cheek. Before I can do anything to remove it, Sunset moves closer, bringing her face within breathing distance of mine. “Hold still. I’ll get it for you.” In a second, Sunset presses her lips against the corner of my mouth. Everything in me freezes as she carefully removes whatever piece of cake is stuck there with her tongue. She’s being so gentle in her approach, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was not expecting this to begin with. I thought she would use her finger, not… Not this…

My heart starts pounding in my ear as my blood feels warmer all of a sudden. Even though I feel confused, every part of me is screaming out for me to turn my head and inch to the left. An inch that would make all the difference… The mere thought of locking my lips with hers is… exhilarating. Why? I’ve kissed her before. We’ve hooked up on dozens of occasions, but now I can’t seem to bring myself to kiss her? Even when everything in me is telling me to just turn my head? Why does it feel so much more intimate now than any of the other times I’ve kissed her? Is it because she was naked before? It was so much easier to kiss her when I was using her for some sort of sexual gratification…

Now, when my heart wants me to kiss her the most, I can’t seem to do it. She is so close, but… I don’t want to take advantage of her anymore. I want her to want to kiss me. It’s so moronic to think that would happen though.

After all, she’s still lying to me…

Pulling away from me, Sunset licks her lip, smiling as if she hadn’t just embraced my face in the most awkward yet intimate way I have experienced. A soft hum comes from the happy pony turned woman. She acts so unashamed, perfectly content in what just occurred. I-I didn’t hate it, but… I figured she would at least acknowledge her little stunt.

“You could have just used your finger,” I respond, bringing my hand to the spot she cleaned. My fingers feel light as I graze my cheek, a surge going through my spine. Every nerve in my body feels like it is on fire, my body attacking me for not taking my chance when I had it. Even if I had a longer window of opportunity, I wouldn’t have forced her to kiss me like that…

“I could have, but I didn’t want to poke and prod at your face. That would just be rude,” Sunset explains with an adorably confident expression. It’s almost too ironic how she doesn’t realize that she basically did that exact same thing with her tongue. “Besides, we’ve had sex multiple times by now. I doubt something like that is any weirder than something we have done already.” She winks at me like she is sharing an inside joke, but the punchline doesn’t quite land with me. The difference between the other times her lips were that close to me and now is the fact that we were taking advantage of each other during those times. Now? This is just a nice day out… No expectations. No using each other for a moment of relief. That by itself makes the act so much more… intimate. “If I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. That’s the last thing I would want. I didn’t think it would be that shocking considering what we have done so far.”

“No, it’s fine. I just…” Her cyan eyes are like a pool of wonder. My heart hasn’t slowed down in the slightest, still screaming at me to do something. Anything. Why do I have to feel this way for her…? Why has she come to mean so much to me? Her of all people… No matter how much I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t have these kinds of emotions, my heart still beats faster in her presence. Every time she treats me like this, I think of how much I enjoy it. How much I enjoy being with her… How much I love these moments with her.

How much I love her…

“You just…?” Sunset asks quietly, a genuine curiosity spread across her face. Even if I said those words, she’d just lie to me again. I shouldn’t have made her cross her fingers weeks ago. It just makes it so much harder to admit what I want to say… To admit how much she means to me.

“I…” Do I have a right to say that? To tell her how she’s been on my mind? Especially after all the time I vented to her about how I shouldn’t be emotional. I made her lie on my behalf, all because I wanted to believe for a moment that someone would feel something other than hate for me. For me to be the one to go back on that lie is hypocritical. Isn’t it? Or would she appreciate the honesty? That, for once, I am letting myself be honest. “I want you…”

A surprised expression dawns on her, widening her eyes at my statement. A blush tints her cheeks, seemingly unaware of what to say. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that… From the way she stares, I can tell that she doesn’t know what to do. That is until a look of realization comes across her features.

“Ah, I see. Well, it has been a while, hasn’t it?” Sunset asks me cheekily, nudging me. “After we get done here, we can go back to my place and… have some fun~ Does that sound okay?” Sunset gives me a flirtatious stare, her hand touching mine in a gentle yet firm way. My words have been misinterpreted, but…

Maybe that is for the best.

Much Different Circumstances

Chapter IV: Much Different Circumstances

“I love you… with my fingers crossed~”

Click.

Tapping a button, the audio rewinds again. The only source of light in my dark room comes from my phone. The screen simply tells me I have one voicemail. One that I have had saved on my phone for a couple of months now. As a silent tear falls down, I press the damned play button.

Click.

“I love you… with my fingers crossed~” she states enthusiastically again, causing me to rewind as soon as she finishes her sentence.

Click.

Even though the rest of the voicemail is simply her telling me the details of a day we scheduled to hang out a while ago, I am only interested in the last five seconds. Hitting play, I close my eyes, hoping that maybe I can trick myself. “I love you… with my fingers crossed~” she tells me again, the recording of her voice causing so much pain and comfort at the same time.

Those last four words have been killing me slowly every time she says them. Hitting rewind, I keep wondering how it would sound without the last part. No matter how I wish it, she won’t stop saying that last indicator just so she can let me know that she is lying. Whether it is the sight of her crossing her fingers or her actually telling me she is, I feel my heart cracking even more every time it happens. Despite the warmth of the blanket clinging to my skin, it feels like nothing compared to the warmth I feel when she says ‘I love you’. However, I feel colder than dead space with the addition of those last four words… Whatever affect I feel from her admitting her affection is killed in an instant as soon as she tells me it is a lie. A wonderfully torturous lie…

I am the one who got us into this situation… If I had not asked her to lie months ago, we wouldn’t be trapped here. She wouldn’t be lying to me at the end of every conversation, all while a beautiful smile tries to convince me she is telling the truth. It’s my fault. I’m the one that decided life was too overwhelming and I needed someone to tell me that lie. In return, I made myself believe it. Believe the idea that… I love her. Everything in me wants her to stop crossing her fingers… For her to mean it at the end of the day.

“Hearing those words will make you smile, right?” an echo of Sunset’s voice pops into my head unprompted. In an attempt to explain why she keeps saying the same lie, it only reaffirms that she is only doing it for me. To make me feel better. “I want to be here for you,” her whisper circles around my thoughts. “It’s okay to have emotions. To feel something.”

“Is it though?” I whisper in response as if she is really here. “Is it okay to feel something? God… All that has happened when I let myself feel something for another creature has proved to hurt me in the long run. I was just overwhelmed before. Now…” Now, my heart is cracking under the pressure. It was easier when I didn’t have to worry about feeling something with my heart. Just blaming the world. Being angry. But I can’t seem to be angry anymore. I just feel this overwhelming sense of dread now. As soon as I let myself be vulnerable with another person, I started down a path that has only made me feel worse. What started as a way to deceive myself into feeling better is now more like a poison.

Click.

“I love you… with-”

Click.

No… Too late. I want to hear the first part. Nothing more.

Click.

“I love you… w-”

Click.

Stop saying those words. Stop crossing your fingers. Stop lying to me. Tell me the truth, no matter the brutal reality. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me how you only wanted to make me feel better. At least it would be the truth, right? Maybe that would let my heart let go of these feelings. Or at least mean it when you say those words. But then again, why would it be me? Out of all your friends, I’m probably the most self-centered out of them all. Entitled. For good reason because there are only a few people out there who are worth my time.

You are one of them…

Click.

“I love you…”

Click.

Taking a deep breath, I feel my heart finally beat for the first time tonight. A couple of tears fall down my face as my body feels warmer. She doesn’t love me, but… her voice is so soft. Soothing. The only voice I have ever found comforting. In a certain way at least. It’s like that night all over again. Deceiving myself, but it is one of the best delusions. And one of the worst.

“I love you…” the audio of her voice plays again, my eyes closing at the thought.

A knock comes from my door, making me open my eyes once more. My phone is turned off and the light of the sun shines through my window blinds. Wasn’t it just night…? It was so dark a few seconds ago.

“Adagio?” Sonata’s voice comes through the door, slightly muffled by the barrier between us. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I answer quickly, trying to compose myself. “What do you want?” I don’t feel like getting out of bed despite the morning light. I really hope she doesn’t make me go to the door. I don’t feel fine all things considered. Being social won’t exactly help me here…

“Well, you’ve been in there all day. And you have gone straight back to your room after work for the past few days without so much as a word in-between…” Sonata’s voice drips with concern, making me feel almost bad for leaving her in the dark. “I even tried to invite you to hang out last night, but you didn’t wait to hear me out. You just immediately went to bed,” Sonata confesses, sounding slightly hurt.

“I have been really tired lately. It’s nothing against you. It’s just… work,” I reply while still laying in bed. The blanket around me is almost like a barrier against the outside world, keeping everything else at bay. Everything that isn’t already in my mind.

“I have a waitress job too, so I know how tiring it can be,” Sonata replies with empathy. After a moment, I hear something press against my door. “But if… if this is something else, something more… You can talk to me. I promise. I won’t think any less of you. I-”

“-won’t judge you,” Sunset’s voice finishes her statement, reminding me how many times Sunset has told me something similar. “I care about you. I-”

“Hey!” Aria’s voice yells through the door, making me open my eyes again. Where did the sun go…? It’s dark again, making it hard to see anything in here except for the light coming from under the door. “What’s going on with you?” she asks in an almost angry tone. Was I imagining my whole interaction with Sonata?

“I told Sonata that I’m okay. I’m just-”

“You mean before you just shrugged her off and stopped responding? That was hours ago,” Aria explains in an accusatory voice. “Whatever is going on, you can’t just shut yourself away from the world. This is the kind of behavior stupid animals do when they’re dying.” The doorknob tries to open, but the lock keeps her out. “Adagio, don’t shut us out. I know you are strong and capable, but… god damn it, you should know we-”

“-love you,” Sunset’s voice finishes the words again, making me wonder what to say. What to do… I can feel myself spiraling, but it doesn’t seem like I can do anything to stop it. I feel so… alone…

“Aria, I fucked up, okay?” I loudly ask, bringing my hands to my head. “God, I fucked up. Is that what you want to hear? That something is wrong?” Sighing to myself, I try to breathe as much as I can. Silence follows, but I can hear Aria’s motions outside the door.

“How did you fuck up, Dagi?” she asks me quietly. Her voice much calmer than I have ever heard it before. “Whatever it is, I want to know.”

“I don’t think you would understand even if I did explain it,” I reply quietly, feeling myself get tired at the mere thought of detailing this complicated mess I have got myself in. How can I tell her that I fell in love with Sunset? That I want to hear her say those words truthfully…?

“At least give Sonata and me a chance to understand. Even if we don’t, we should have the chance to try.” Aria stops trying to open the door. Instead, it sounds like she just presses her hand to the door. “Come out. Please. We can have some cookies and talk out in the living room. No judgment. Whatever it is, Sonata and I just want to know what’s going on.” Despite her pleas, my bones feel heavy. My body doesn’t want to move from my bed. Not because of the warmth I feel, but due to the fear of what will happen once I remove the blanket from my body. It’s so easy to just dissolve in bed. To pretend that I don’t actually exist or have emotions after all. It’s so easy to pretend the world doesn’t exist from here. But she’s right… I do need to get out of bed before I lose my mind.

“Just… give me one hour,” I respond, trying to wake myself up more. I could really use the time to just… prepare. Think of the right words to say. Maybe if I explain it right, I won’t sound so crazy to them. All I have to do is tell them what happened. How I feel. And how I wish Sunset would feel…

“Thirty minutes. I’m calling a locksmith if you’re not out by then,” Aria warns me, but her voice is filled with more concern than actual threats. Although, I know she’s serious about that statement. Unless I want my door ruined, I should go ahead and get ready…

“So, let me get this straight,” Aria says, sitting across the coffee table from me. Sonata is sitting next to her with a notebook in hand, looking like she is studying for some exam. “You hooked up with Sunset, but got emotional and asked her to lie to you.”

“So you could pretend that she cares,” Sonata continues, pointing at her notebook.

“And she did without much hesitation, but now the lie isn’t nice because you actually feel something for her,” Aria states while bringing her hands out in front of her as if she is showing me a timeline.

“Don’t forget that along the way, Dagi has been beating herself up for having emotions like these because we’re sirens,” Sonata corrects Aria, making my purple friend sigh.

“Okay, that part I actually kind of understand. I would feel stupid and weak if I had those emotions too.” Before Aria can say another word, she is immediately shut up by a mean stare from Sonata, making both of us stop in our tracks. “But she’s not wrong for having those emotions. It’s just a new process for us,” Aria corrects herself, trying to get Sonata to stop giving her a death glare. Thankfully, it works.

“And now you wish Sunset would stop lying to you and would share your feelings,” Sonata says in an unsure tone, as if she wants me to confirm what her notes say.

“Yes, that’s correct,” I whisper in an annoyed tone, almost feeling tempted to roll my eyes. When Aria said to come out and tell them what is going on, I wasn’t expecting to get psychoanalyzed like this. While I am glad they are not judging me like I thought they would, it’s still clear they don’t fully understand where I am coming from. I appreciate the effort, but this isn’t really helping me feel better.

“So… Why don’t you just tell her?” Aria asks me as if it is such an obvious answer. Sonata hits her on the shoulder, causing Aria to jump. “What?! Am I wrong? That seems like the next logical step for her relationship with her fuck budd-” Aria shuts herself up, taking a deep breath. “I uh… I mean your friend. Still though… Telling her seems like the most straightforward way to resolve this, as sappy as it is.”

“I can’t. It’s… more complicated than that. She and I have been lying to each other for the past few months. I started this whole situation and she’s just been doing it to make me feel better.” I look away from the two of them, trying to collect my thoughts. “Besides… If I tell her I love her, she will just assume I mean it like we have been saying it. Just another misunderstanding like before…”

“Like before?” Sonata asks in bewilderment, staring into my soul for some kind of answer. “You mean this happened before? You tried to tell her?”

“I’m so fucking confused,” Aria laments as she holds her head, trying to gather all of the facts. For a brief moment, I almost feel tempted to laugh. She’s not alone in that feeling… I’ve been confused for a long time now.

“Look. It happened a couple of months ago. I tried to tell her, but I couldn’t really form the right words to say.” Mainly because I’m not good at being vulnerable with others. “I told her I wanted her and she thought I meant that I wanted to… Nevermind. The point is that I’ve tried it before and it didn’t work. More importantly is the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to correct her, especially when she thinks we’re just friends.”

“Friends,” Sonata remarks with disbelief, shaking her head. “Dagi, you two are more like friends with benefits. You know, since you’re still actively fucking.” Both Aria and I look at her in surprise. Aside from the uncharacteristic tone of her voice, it’s not often that she curses… “What? So you two can say all kinds of stuff, but when I say one thing to explain their entanglement, I’m the bad guy?” Aria puts her hand on Sonata’s shoulder.

“No no. If anything I am proud of you. You’re finally not such a moron,” Aria says with a tear coming to her eye as if she is watching a pupil grow into the master. Why do they have to be so fucking stupid?

“Can we focus? Do you have any more ideas other than just telling her?” My question brings their attention back to me. I’m honestly looking for anything here. Any suggestion that can make this pain stop. To make my heart stop aching.

“To be completely honest…” Aria sighs to herself, shrugging at my inquiry. “No. Not really. You opened your heart up. That’s one of the biggest traps in history. The only solutions I see is you either tell her or you kill your feelings. Kinda sucks for you,” Aria states as she lifts her cup of water as if it is a toast to me.

“And considering you’ve been trying to stop feeling this way,” Sonata speaks up with an awkward expression. “I think you can only really give her the choice. At that point, it isn’t your responsibility any more. Then it would be her decision to make.” Not much of a decision considering how she will probably react. If I am right in my assumption that she’s been lying the whole time, then she isn’t going to feel the same way. But… thinking about living my life without her hurts. Why did I have to get so attached? “Who knows? Maybe she’s the one that has been wanting to say those few words for real this whole time…” I think I’d know it if she had felt the same way. There would be hints, but I haven’t seen any. She’s just been friendly. Except for the cherry cheesecake incident… And holding my hand? Do friends do that normally?

Telling her is a huge risk because… If she doesn’t feel the same, she might not want to spend time with me anymore. Seeing her beautiful smile is so nice… Her caring touch always lets me know that she genuinely wants to help. Do I really want to risk losing that connection? That time with her? Losing the connection with the one person in this god forsaken world that is worth my time aside from the two people sitting in front of me… But… if that connection is all based on a lie I am perpetuating, then is it even real? Wouldn’t it be more honest to myself if I just let myself be vulnerable one more time to tell her what my heart thinks?

“Just… fine. What exactly do you two suggest?” I ask quietly. I can’t help but feel like I am making a mistake by even considering their advice, but this seems like my one option other than just pretending like everything is okay when it is clearly not. I can’t keep spending my days in my room, crying about how I feel. And listening to a recording of what I want… Spiraling down stairs of depression isn’t exactly very powerful… If I want to keep my head on straight, it’s time I solve this problem.

“Well, you could shoot her a text. Short and simple. You can immediately get an answer and if it isn’t great, you won’t have to see her aga-” Aria is jabbed in the ribs by Sonata, making her gasp in pain. “First off. OW! Secondly, what the fuck was that for? Are you stupid? I’m trying to give her an idea here.”

“A bad idea at that,” Sonata replies with a pout, making Aria snarl. She opens her mouth in anticipation to yell, but Sonata cuts her off. “That’s not exactly the best way… You should tell her face to face. It’s more personal that way. More emotional. It may make you vulnerable, but I think she deserves that kind of respect.”

“That still doesn’t tell me how,” I reply with a roll of my eyes, wishing one of us was a relationship expert. Unfortunately, all of us are antisocial to one degree or the other. I usually get annoyed by others due to their stupidity. Aria just hates people in general. And Sonata? Sonata is just socially awkward… Not because she is afraid of other people. She just isn’t very good at reading a room.

“To be fair to us, we haven’t exactly been in this situation,” Aria responds with a shrug, leaning back. “I guess the best way would be for you to just… ask to meet somewhere private. And tell her I guess…? I don’t know. That’s all I can think of.”

“You should probably make sure she knows how much you appreciate her. How much you have valued your time together,” Sonata mentions with a small smile. “You know… Tell her that the time has meant the world to you. It may not be easy, but providing that context to your feelings should help you somewhat.” Context… I guess that’s not a bad idea. I could talk to her about our time together before transitioning to what that time has made me feel. Not bad, Sonata.

“Those are both good suggestions. I think… Is there anything else we-” My phone starts vibrating violently in my pocket, the ringing noise alerting all three of us to the new notification. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see the number is one that is all too familiar. “It’s Sunset.” It’s like she knew we were talking about her… Pressing the answer button, I slowly bring the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

“Hey, Adagio~ How are you feeling?” she asks me politely, her kind voice just as soothing as it is in real life. If she knew how I am really feeling, this would be a much different conversation…

“I’m fine. Just tired,” I lie, falling back on the reliable answer. Considering the fact that I have used that answer three times today, I should probably get a new excuse. “What’s going on?” Sonata and Aria both gesture for me to turn it to the speaker so they can hear what is said. Even though I don’t want to, it might help them get a better idea of my current set of circumstances.

“Do I always need a reason to call you? Is it wrong if I say I missed your voice?” Sunset asks me in a teasing tone, but I can tell she has something on her mind. Something that she is eager to share. “Alright, I do have a reason. I was kind of wondering if you were doing anything tonight,” she says with a high note at the end of her sentence framing it like an unsure statement.

“Tonight?” I look at the clock, seeing the time is only two hours away from midnight. “Do you know what time it is?”

“I know, I know. Short notice, but… I kind of wanted your input on something.” Sunset’s tone sounds sheepish. The way she speaks tells me she knows how crazy she sounds and doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable. “You don’t have to come tonight. I would understand. Whenever you have the time is fine with me.” Looking at the other two, I weigh my options carefully. While I haven’t had much time to prepare, is it the worst thing to go over tonight? I’m not entirely sure…

“No, I can come over. I can,” I tell her quietly, trying to reassure myself that it will be okay despite my heart beating faster. Be still my heart…

“Great! I have something I want to show you and talk about,” she expresses with a joyous tone, making it hard to refuse. “I’ll see you when you get here! Make sure to call me if something goes wrong, okay? If you need anyone, I… want to be that someone.” As the call hangs up, both Sonata and Aria look at me with amused stares. I can already tell what they are going to say. The upcoming teasing is going to make fun of me for not trying to tell her sooner. But… nothing Sunset said is definitive proof that she would feel the same.

“Is it wrong if I say I missed your voice?” Aria repeats Sunset’s words in a mocking tone. “Seriously? Does she make comments like that all the time? Because if she does, then I don’t think you have much to worry about.” Sonata nods at Aria’s words, making me feel outnumbered.

“She also said that she’d like to be the person Adagio calls if she needs ANYONE,” Sonata giggles, making me roll my eyes. Even though they think those comments are obvious signs, they don’t know her like I do. She’s just… really kind. She does a lot of these things with her other friends too… It’s not likely she means something by those words.

How to Love

Chapter V: How to Love

“I’m glad you could make it~” Sunset tells me with a big smile, hugging me tightly. Her apartment is pretty dark on the inside except for the light of a laptop illuminating the couch. I can barely make out the remains of some snacks on the coffee table. It looks like Sunset has been working on something for a while… Why else would she have what looks like war-time rations and a messy blanket sprawled across the couch. “Sorry about the mess. This assignment has been kicking my ass.” Sunset brings me over to the couch, leading me gently.

“Is that what you wanted to show me?” I ask her skeptically. At this time of the night, she was really concerned about having someone to proofread her assignment? It may seem weird to me, but I need to remember that she is probably worried about it.

“Well, yeah. It’s not exactly an easy task. But I think I have it figured out actually. I’m proud of what I’ve got so far. I wanted you to be my first audience~” Sunset sits down on the couch, offering the space beside her. As soon as I take my seat, Sunset starts navigating the different web pages she has open. Some of them are compilations of perfectly cut screams. Some are videos of cats, but most of them are academic articles about the concept of love. Sunset brings up a tab of a presentation. On the left of the screen, it says there are nearly twenty slides. I have no experience with these sorts of activities, so it makes me wonder whether that is a lot for something like this.

“Twenty slides…?” I ask, slightly overwhelmed by the sheer amount.

“That’s not a lot considering some of the other presentations I have made. But don’t worry. There’s only a small section I want your input on.” Sunset’s cursor scrolls down the page, highlighting the last two slides. Enlarging them, she shows me a pink display with some text about the stereotypes of love. However, there is one part that isn’t sourced by anything. It seems to be a statement piece of some kind… “In my philosophy course, I needed to make a presentation of the types of love and how we perceive it. I also needed to include a thesis of what I believe true romantic love is.”

“I see. So, you want me to give you some feedback on the thesis part?” I ask her slowly. Sunset nods before zooming in on the text.

“Love is a difficult subject to define,” Sunset begins to articulate, reading the words slowly. “Subjectivity is fluent in definitions, but I believe that love is only able to form if two conditions are met. Thoughtfulness and loyalty.” As Sunset reads along, I can’t help but notice her face seems apprehensive. Almost like she is rethinking this whole thing. “To love means that you think of the other person. They invade your thoughts in the most unpredictable ways. Maybe you worry about their wellbeing or maybe you simply think about inviting them on a picnic.” A picnic… She’s just providing an example. It’s just a coincidence. “Thinking about someone can help you see just how much you care about them. Larger than that idea is the concept of loyalty. No matter what happens, your loyalty dictates how much you love them. To be there beyond all kinds of troubles and still have the ability to say ‘I am here for you’ is true loyalty.”

I can hear my heart beat. The words she is describing make me think of one situation above all else. Her cyan eyes almost seem to glow in the blue light of the laptop. If she is preaching the truth, then there is no way I can deny it. The way my heart beats for her is love. I wish it could be something else, but… If I am destined to love someone in this world, I don’t want it to be anyone else but her.

“Whether it is a small lie or a random gift, there are many ways to show your love,” Sunset whispers, her eyes not leaving the screen. “But it all depends on the effort that drives you. Thoughtfulness and loyalty drive us to be there. To care for ones we love, regardless of request or personality flaw.” Sunset stops talking despite the fact that there is still half of a paragraph on the slide. Upon closer inspection, I can tell that the rest of the words are just Sunset’s closing remarks about the presentation as a whole.

“Insightful,” I quietly remark, looking at the presentation. I can tell Sunset’s gaze has shifted to me. “It sounds like you have personal experience.” Turning my eyes to her, I see that she has a solemn smile. One that makes me feel hopeful that maybe she means… me…

“I do,” Sunset responds, a small nod confirming my insinuation. My heart flutters at the thought, immediately flooding me with a hundred others. Questions. Theories. But the number one idea is the question of who it is. “Love is a complicated situation for me, but… I know it when I feel it,” Sunset tells me without breaking eye contact. Something about her stare makes me feel like she is trying to tell me what or who she is thinking about.

“Do I know them?” I ask cautiously. My heart beats faster, wondering if maybe the magic word is ‘you’. She talked about picnics and lies in her thesis, reaffirming ideas like being there for your loved ones. All of these things have happened between us… Is it wrong to hope that she says that it’s me? That she’s been thinking of me too? That maybe… just maybe… Maybe she has wanted to say those words too.

“Probably not as well as I know them,” she whispers.

…

In an instant, it feels like everything is broken. My heart almost fools me into thinking that it has stopped. I should have known… It’s one of her friends, right? I’m so stupid to even think that maybe she meant me. I guess I should have expected it, considering how she has known them a lot longer than me. It’s nice to know now. Maybe my heart can finally stop feeling this tragedy of an emotional rollercoaster.

“You did an amazing job,” I try to reassure her, doing my best to keep my composure. Even though I just want to go home, I know she was looking for input. I should at least provide that before I leave. “That’s not surprising since you’re an amazing person,” I say in a teasing tone even though my words are completely true. As I stand up from my seat, Sunset grabs my hand as gently as ever. Her gaze is vulnerable, almost pleading for me to stay.

“You’re an amazing person too,” Sunset responds with a smile. Standing up, Sunset locks her lips with mine, sending electricity down my back. Why is she…? Is she using our nights together as opportunities where she can pretend she is with the one she loves? Closing her eyes to glue another person’s face on mine? “Stay with me. For tonight,” she pleads through kisses. I… I should feel hurt that she’s using me to replace someone else, but… At the same time, my heart feels numb already. It’s hard to feel anything when she just told me she loves someone else… What would it hurt? It’s not like I can crack my heart anymore. As long as it helps her feel better, then it’s okay to give her what she wants…

After this, I can finally stop feeling this love…

Heavy panting fills the air. Our bodies are as naked as ever, but it feels warmer than any blanket ever could. Looking down at her, I can’t help but bite my lip. Her eyes are closed once more, moans of pleasure escaping her lips. As I grind against her, I can feel a small fire of anger light in my heart. Now that I know what is going on behind her closed eyes, I can’t really get it out of my head. It’s infectious… I used to think that she had her eyes closed because the pleasure was too much for her. I guess it helps her avoid the reality of who it is on the other side. As much as I feel angry, I can’t seem to bring myself to hate her… I know how it feels after all. To have someone that seems…

Out of reach…

Pleasure courses through my body, barely outshining the heartache. Her expression is priceless for one simple fact. She’s more beautiful than ever now. It’s as if a light shines off of her. Maybe it’s the idea that she’s unreachable. That she’s not mine to kiss. After tonight, things will change… Hopefully she will get the strength to tell the person she loves what she feels. The strength I seem to lack. But I’m doing everything I can to enjoy this moment. What may be a momentary release for her is my last time I can revel in this lie. The last day I can deceive myself. If she can pretend, so can I… I can pretend that she is mine. And I am hers… That the way this night occurred was different. That… That I was the one she confessed to… Not the one she asked for input on a presentation about that same love…

Whoever it is that is in her mind, they are lucky. I wonder if they know that… If they know just how lucky they are. Sunset is not like anyone else in this world, so whoever has her eye must be special… I can’t stop my heart from wishing she would look at me. Wishing that I am the one she would say those silly words to… It’s not her fault that we’re in this situation. It’s mine. All mine. This love I feel in every fiber of my being is mine. Mine alone. This love belongs to me and that’s the part that hurts the most… I want it to be shared, but I can’t force that on her. I started this whole mess by letting my emotions get the better of me. She was simply there at the wrong time. I’m sorry… If I hadn’t asked you to cross your fingers, then I wouldn’t love you. But that is an impossibility now. It can’t be reversed. It can’t be changed. If I had known before, I would have stopped it, but I can’t. I just have to live with it…

I love you…

With one last movement, both of our bodies stop. At once, the only sound in this room is our heavy breathing. Sunset finally opens her eyes, a smile on her face. The soft pale light of the moon gently spills across her face as she looks up at me. I would be lying if I said the vision isn’t majestic… Despite the fact that our bodies have come to a stop, my heart refuses to stop beating, telling me that the person I love is right here. My body has not caught up with my mind. It hasn’t realized that Sunset isn’t in love with me… Her heart isn’t in the same space. Everything in me tells me to reach out and embrace her, holding her tight. I wouldn’t want to let go if I did that… She means so much to me that I still wish she would feel the same even now. A fruitless wish, but… still.

“Did you enjoy it too, dear?” she slowly asks me, her hand gingerly tracing circles on my cheek. Dear… Why would she call me that of all things? She doesn’t have to keep up that act anymore… She doesn’t have to pretend to care so much.

“Why do you do that?” My question seems to make her unsettled. Her gaze, unfaltering as it may be, changes to one of confusion. Her hand doesn’t move from my cheek, but the lazy circles have stopped entirely.

“Why do I…?” Sunset asks without even finishing her question, raising her eyebrow. Even after all this time, I still don’t understand her. Her actions remain an enigma to me, taunting me for not predicting them.

“Why are you calling me dear?” Getting off of her, I step off the bed, feeling my throat tighten. “We just got done and you’re still pretending to care. I don’t understand. You can stop lying now,” I tell her with a frustrated tone, wishing she would remain consistent. “I don’t need you to pretend anymore. I promise… Especially after you told me you’re in love with someone for real.”

“With someone?” Sunset asks in a bewildered tone, sitting up on the bed. “I’m not sure I understand.” The way she fiddles with her hands makes her seem anxious, watching me as I start to put my clothes back on. “Did I do something wrong?”

“I just want you to tell the truth, Sunset. That’s it. You don’t have to keep pretending for my sake. I’m okay,” I whisper with a sigh, feeling my heart finally slow down. “No more crossing your fingers.” I turn my gaze to see that Sunset looks completely shocked, shaking her head quickly.

“Adagio, no. What I said earlier… When I said I had experience, I meant I love-”

“One of your friends, I know.” I take a deep breath, trying to keep my composure. However, my eyes threaten to make me cry every couple of seconds. I’m done with this fictitious dance of ours. “You know your friends better than I do, so I’m sure any one of them would be lucky to hear about your feelings.” Sunset immediately shakes her head, standing up and placing her hands on my shoulders.

“Adagio, no. That’s not what I meant,” she tries to shush me, her eyes just as kind as ever. “I think there’s a misunderstanding here. I-”

“Then clear it up,” I interrupt her, feeling myself starting to lose control of my emotions. “Because I thought I understood everything pretty clearly a few minutes ago. Just tell me the truth. No more lying for my sake.”

“Adagio, I…” Sunset stops herself mid sentence to collect her thoughts. Her hands still hold onto my shoulders, offering a reassuring rub as she thinks to herself. “You want the truth?” Sunset slowly raises her hand in the same position as all the times she’s crossed her fingers in the past few months. My heart sinks as I stare at her hand, wondering why she would do this again when I asked for the truth. More importantly, why hasn’t she crossed them yet…? “I love you,” she whispers to me, making me look back at her hand. Her fingers still remain uncrossed… “I love you without my fingers crossed. The truth is that I love you… You. Not someone else. The real lie was when I crossed my fingers because… I’ve loved you for a long time.” Her smile is completely genuine. Her fingers are still straight and narrow, making my heart instantly start aching.

This can’t be real, can it…? I have to be dreaming… Imagining it.

“You… love me?” I whisper, feeling my body go numb. Everything in me is surging with energy, the idea making me happy beyond comparison. “Then… Why did you say that you knew me better than I knew myself? I thought you meant one of your friends…”

“Because I probably do know you better,” she tells me with a small laugh, hugging me as tight as she can. “Just like you probably know me better than I do. We all have our own subconscious actions and… I… I’m sorry I confused you.”

Slowly bringing my arms up, I can’t help but return the embrace. I feel so stupid, but… justified. In terms of misunderstandings, I guess we’re both prone to them. I… I just can’t believe it. She feels the same way… I may not know my own emotions very well, but I feel really really happy. For the first time since I’ve come to this world, I feel happy. Loved. Suddenly, it doesn’t feel like I’ve wasted the last few months of my life chasing a delusion.

“I love you,” I finally let myself say out loud, holding her as close as possible. In this moment, it truly feels like nothing could tear us apart. “I love you too, Sunset. That will never be a lie.”