Starlight Glimmer Fights a Chimpanzee With a Sword

by EdgarFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Random, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 3650

Starlight Glimmer duels a chimpanzee with swords. She apparently does this every year. This piques the curiosity of one bored Rainbow Dash.

Since Twilight's coronation, things in Ponyville have gotten pretty boring. Things seemed to work themselves out. Monsters or villains aren't stirring up trouble each week, the school is in good hooves, and while everypony stayed busy there just seemed to be less to do now.

This makes for a very bored Rainbow Dash.

So when she spots Starlight Glimmer with an awesome sword going to some duel, there's nothing she can do but follow. Let's see how it turns out.

Was cursed with the idea by a hilarious segment from the podcast Kill James Bond. You too can be cursed with knowledge here!

Many thanks to MerchantofMisrata for putting up with me and proofreading this mess!

Published 2025-01-04 16:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-04 16:10:00 UTC

The Kaufman Star Goes to the Chimp

Rainbow Dash was bored. No classes during the summer, the Wonderbolts were on break after their tour, giant catastrophes which needed to be resolved in thirty minutes including commercials had stopped since Twilight’s coronation, and she’d finished all of the chores for Applejack already. Even the naps had gotten boring; too many naps made her tired. But there wasn’t anything to do but nap; it truly was a conundrum.

With the grace of a brick, Rainbow Dash stuck her face through the cloud to survey Ponyvile’s goings-on. Ponyville was plenty busy midday, she could watch all of the ponies going about their business during the lunch hours. During the summer when classes weren’t in session, the pond around the School of Friendship was a popular place for creatures to promenade, to have picnics between work, and some even played games like pickup buckball. In some ways, it was busier when classes were out of session.

She idly considered zipping by Sweet Apple Acres and swiping an apple. At worst, it would mildly annoy Applejack and get her roped into helping around the farm, not particularly fun but maybe it would be better than lounging around.

As she considered her options, her eyes wandered back over to the School of Friendship. A pickup game of buckball was heating up. She considered joining, but that would ruin the fun for the newbies. While her eyes scanned around the pond, she saw Starlight trotting by the small crowd, waving as she passed. Tucked into her saddlebag she could see the usual for a picnic. A small basket, a blanket, one sheathed katana, a banana sticking out, and she held a bottle of water-

Now hold on.

Rainbow’s eyes doubled back over to Starlight. A sword?

Whatever she was doing, no doubt it’d be interesting.

She dove through the peephole in the cloud, leaving a vapor trail behind her. Her wings guided her from the freefall effortlessly. The fast air bristled against her feathers, but that didn’t stop her from leaning into the glide as she neared the dirt path. Normally, she’d try to get as close to the ground as possible before pulling up, but doing so this close to Ponyville had gotten her quite a few complaints, and she didn’t have enough room in her mailbox for more. Still, she had far too much speed to comfortably talk to Starlight. To slow down, she decided she could try to talk to her while doing some loops. “Hey Starlight, whatcha doin’ with all that?”

From Starlight’s perspective, it sounded more like “Hey Star—”

Woosh

“—light, whatcha—”

Woosh

“—doin’ with all that?”

Woosh

Starlight helpfully grabbed Rainbow in the air to aid in her deceleration, and gently placed her on the dirt path with her. “Nothing, was gonna have a quick lunch and then practice for a bit.”

Rainbow glanced at the sheathed katana in her bundle of stuff. “...Practice what?”

“Oh, you know,” she said with a smile.

Rainbow raised a brow at that. “No, not really… Does it have something to do with that sword?”

“Oh this little thing?” she said while pulling it from its sheath. It swung over Rainbow Dash’s head with a sharp swish, making her duck down under the blade. “It’s a Nipponese sword, I think they folded it like fifty times or something, really sharp. I was going to practice with this after eating, you wanna watch?”

“Is it gonna be awesome?”

“Oh absolutely, totally awesome.”

“Heck yeah, let’s go!” Rainbow, with one flap of her wings set off in an instant, leaving a loud crack and a boom in her wake. The air bent around her as she sped off fueled by pure excitement. Starlight stood there with a very slight grimace while she waited.

After a second, Rainbow sheepishly returned, leaving another sonic boom in her wake on the return trip. “Heh, sorry, forgot about the lack of wings.” She hovered around Starlight as she continued down the path.

Rainbow and Starlight chatted together as she trotted along the path. They hadn’t talked much since the beginning of the summer. Rainbow Dash had been whisked away on a tour, leading the first Wonderbolts show outside of Equestria. She talked at length about how totally awesome it had been to fly around the tree of Griffonstone, barely skim the lava lakes of the Dragon Lands, and to race from the peaks of Mount Aris to its beaches. In between stories, new ideas cropped up and left her mouth at an alarming pace, before being quickly discarded for another half-baked idea, all of which were equally awesome to her.

Starlight on the other hoof had worked with Twilight, Sunburst, and Trixie to put together the next year’s curriculum. Thorax had been a great help with new advances in applications of friendship in his hive, and lessons had been structured to incorporate these new findings. Rainbow surprisingly stayed awake during the talk, and even forced herself to listen to some of the parts about loyalty. The parts that she didn't understand, she simply nodded along.

Before Rainbow realized it, they arrived at a small stone courtyard decorated with bushes and large cherry blossom trees. A gentle breeze shook pink petals from the trees, coating the stone bricks with a thin layer of the small flowers. Each flap of her wing brushed away the petals, kicking it up into the air and catching on the wind. Starlight continued past the trees and out to a balcony overlooking a small river valley. “Whoa… I’ve never seen this place…” Rainbow muttered.

Starlight unfurled the blanket on the wooden balcony and set down her basket on it. “It’s always empty when I visit for some reason. Somepony had to take care of this place, but I’ve never seen any. It’s a great place to relax though, nice and quiet.” She took some apples and pears from the buckets and asked “Rainbow, you want a piece?”

Rainbow’s stomach rumbled right on cue. “Sure, I can go for an apple.”

The apples and oranges hung in the air with magic while she unsheathed the katana with one hoof. She put her other forehoof on the railing and lifted herself up on her hind legs, first shaking, but quickly finding her footing. She swung the katana a few times, the blade making a sharp whistle each time it sliced through the air. Confidence returned to her with each swing of the blade. “Alright… Alright, let’s go…”

Rainbow was utterly entranced by the sight, sitting stone still on the ground with flank to the brick. She had never seen this side of Starlight Glimmer before. The fruits hovering in front of her launched into the air, reaching their apex in half a second before falling. Starlight swung at the fruits on the way down, bisecting each one down the middle.

Rainbow missed the cut however. She blinked.

The fruits landed lightly on the blanket in a near-perfect semicircle around Starlight, with an almost alternating pattern of half-apple and half-orange. Her sword scooped up one half-apple with the flat of the blade and with a silent count of three, flicked it into the air. Her sword made two quick slashes and the half-apple was split into thirds. On its way down, she stabbed one slice with the tip of her blade.

“Pretty awesome, huh?” she said before she took a crisp bite from her slice. It was nice and juicy, the cut was a bit skewed but nothing too egregious. Starlight wiped the juice off of her blade with the picnic blanket; sadly, the sugar from the juices left a nasty stickiness to it. Starlight gave a small “eugh” and made a mental note to herself to rinse the sword when she was done.

Rainbow sat stunned, with her jaw hanging wide open. Starlight laughed; she didn’t think it was that special, it’s a fun trick she picked up from many days of practicing. She floated a slice of an apple over to Rainbow Dash and placed it on her hoof. “I haven’t been able to practice much recently, glad I can still do that.”

Rainbow shook her head to break out of her awe. “What!? That must have taken a million years to do, when did you learn how to do this!?”

Starlight shrugged, “I got bored when practicing. You know how golfers balance the ball on their club and then smack it? They do that because they practice so much it gets boring, and that’s what I did too.”

“Nononono, I mean the sword thing! When did you learn to use a sword, I’ve never seen you use a sword!”

“Oh, this little thing?” She held it in her hooves, one on the handle and one on the blade. “No, Discord gave it to me way back, when I was trying to find some place to make Our Town. He asked if I’d rather fight a chicken to the death every time I got in a car or sword fight a chimpanzee once a year. I didn’t know what a car was, but I knew what a chimpanzee and a sword was so I chose that. Gotta go with what you know, right?”

“But… Why did he do that?”

“Dunno, maybe it was for fun or something. I signed on the dotted line-”

“There was a contract!?”

Starlight rolled her eyes, “Of course there was, It was really long so I didn’t read most of it, but he summed it up. I fought a chimpanzee once a year with a sword, and in exchange I got a sword of my choosing and he gave me a bunch of magical power. I think it’s a pretty fair exchange.”

“But when he was turned into stone, the spell was off, right?”

Starlight shook her head, “I can’t just go back on an agreement, it would reflect terribly on me! Imagine if everyone heard that I went back on a contract like that, I’d be ruined!”

Rainbow had to think on that for a second, it would make her seem undependable, and dependability is one of the aspects core to being headmare. And Rainbow Dash would know all about that, seeing as she’s the Element of Loyalty, it would be far too unreasonable for her to ask Starlight to be disloyal to an agreement like that!

“But wait…” She thought about that contract for a second longer. “If… If you signed a contract with Discord, and you still have your sword and your magic, where’s the chimp?”

Starlight pointed with her hoof, just behind Rainbow. “Right there, he’s been politely waiting.”

Rainbow quickly spun around. Under the tree was a chimp, with one hand holding a katana— much like Starlight’s— in its sheath. He used his other hand to scratch his scalp.

She jumped back and hovered off the ground, “Whoa! I didn’t even hear you!” The chimp shrugged. At this point, only Starlight could anticipate his arrival.

Starlight shooed her away and trotted over, stopping under the biggest cherry blossom tree in the middle of the courtyard. The chimp reciprocated, taking his place only a few paces ahead of her. They both bowed, sharing the same deep respect they held with each other.

Rainbow crept up to Starlight’s side and asked, “Hey, so are you actually gonna…”

“Oh of course I’m gonna fight him. He brought his sword, it would be pretty rude to make him lug it all the way over here and not fight!”

She jumped in, the fur on her back raised. “No way! What if you… you know?”

Starlight laughed, “I’ve been doing this for like, seven years at this point and I haven’t died. I’ll be fine. When was the last time any creature died from a sword fight anyways?” She took a few steps back— as did the chimp— and then raised herself on her hind legs. Finally, she laid her hooves on the handle of her sheathed sword.

They both slowly drew their swords from their sheaths, eliciting a sharp scrape from the sharp end of their blades. Starlight held her sword close to her body while the chimp held it high over his head. They made small steps towards and away from each other, probing for any minute weaknesses, trying to draw one into a bad move, or for a slight shift in positional advantage.

The chimp made the first move, jumping forward and bringing the sword down quickly. It clanged against Starlight’s sword which swung upwards to meet the chimp’s. She swiped it away and stepped back to narrowly dodge the chimp’s rebound swing, brushing close against her midsection.

It was clear that the chimp kept pushing towards her, not letting up any pressure. They fell into a rhythm; the chimp tried to make a strike, Starlight blocked it, but dodged rather than pushing for a counterattack.

But when Starlight blocked a blow from the chimp, the force imparted made her stumble back. The chimp took the opportunity to make one more swipe at Starlight, the tip barely brushing up against her cheek, just under her left eye. She yelped and pushed the chimp’s blade away with her own, and kept him at a distance by thrusting it towards him, forcing him to step back.

She brought her foreleg up against her cheek. It stung, just a little. She glanced at the hoof, just out of the corner of her eye. Blood, unmistakably so. Rainbow Dash could see it begin to trickle down her cheek. She gave up the initiative far too long. No longer.

With her teeth barred, she lunged forwards with a thrust. The chimp was forced back, surprised at her change in stance. Now he was the one on the defense, desperately swatting away her slashes. Rainbow Dash just barely kept her cheers to herself, not wanting to startle or distract her.

Their swords caught in the air with one loud clang, For only a few seconds, their swords locked. Starlight brought her hoof to the end of the blade and pushed down, lowering his sword. It bit into his arm, just under his shoulder, drawing blood. The chimp yelped before delivering a sharp kick to one of Starlight’s forelegs. The pain made her hoof holding the blade slip, allowing the chimp to shove her away.

Starlight’s breathing struggled. She had put up a lot of effort trying to get him to break, but could only get one good hit on him. Her sword weighed heavily in her hooves, taking just a second longer to be brought up to a ready guard. The beginnings of fatigue nipped at her muscles. Rainbow Dash saw that the chimp began to tire as well. He held his sword out with one hand towards Starlight, shaking as he nursed the gash in his shoulder. Blood trickled between his fingers and seeped down his arm.

She went back in with untempered ferocity, blade first with a loud war cry. This time there was no creature holding any advantage. One blow after the other. Starlight was the aggressor but that held no special status anymore. The chimp responded just as harshly too, screeching with every swing and thrust. Their swords scraped against their skin, catching on their limbs but never getting deeper than the surface. Before they pulled away to recover and to plan out their next move, they would be covered in shallow, stinging cuts, blood staining their fur.

Rainbow Dash covered her ears. It was one thing to watch your friend fight with a sword. It was quite another to hear her yelps and screams every cut and slash she received. It made her twitch, it made the blood curdle, and in some small part she regretted not stopping her.

The two panted, wiping blood from their various cuts on their arms and legs, but still on guard. They shook and swayed trying to hold themselves up, but neither wanted to surrender before the other. They both understood that this would end with the defeat of the other. So they went back in again.

No graceful dance, only a protracted fight with sharp steel. Starlight held the thinnest of advantages, being only slightly less tired than the chimp, but the chimp used what little energy it held left more savagely, using its sword more like a club, being knocked away with weak parries before a half-hearted riposte. They sometimes caught skin; if they did then they ran deep.

Both fighters fought fiercely, but fatigue gnawed on each. Starlight’s swings became slower and sloppier, and Rainbow Dash saw it too. The chimp thrusted his blade straight towards Starlight, forcing her to bring her sword around to deflect the tip of the blade.

They caught in a bind, but this time the chimp’s sword twisted around, wrenching Starlight’s sword from her hooves. It flew straight through the air before embedding itself into the tree behind her with a sharp twang like a doorstop. Before she could react, the chimp thrusted his blade into her, ramming clear through her abdomen before he yanked it out. She yelled in pain before collapsing, falling on her back, staining the bricks underneath her with blood. Without any weapons, she could only delay the inevitable, quickly and unsteadily crawling backwards before her back hit the trunk of the tree. The chimp, towering above her prone position, pointed the tip of his blade just inches from her neck.

Rainbow nearly tackled the chimp right there, but before she could, Starlight held a hoof up to stop her. She pulled her mane: she couldn’t just let this happen! But she must have some plan, this can’t be the end.

The chimp stared at her, as if to say “any last words”. Her eyes darted around as she kept looking for anything at all, but they didn’t catch anything in particular. She pulled her back legs in, trying to get smaller, just anything.

He shrugged, and prepared for the final thrust.

Before he could finish her off, her back legs connected with the chimp’s chest in a powerful buck. Rainbow could have sworn she heard a few things crack. He flew clear across the courtyard before hitting the courtyard wall. His sword clattered on the ground where he previously stood, next to Starlight.

She picked up the sword and slowly, on shaking hooves, made her way to the chimp. While they both bled profusely, the chimp could barely will himself to move. There would be no escape from this now.

They stood still, shaking and breathing heavily, before she broke the silence. “I got lucky…”

The chimp shrugged, he should have seen it coming anyways.

“I’ll have to train more, maybe finally find a sparring partner.”

He nodded, it sounded like a plan. He would do the same too.

Starlight cleared her throat, “Same time next year?”

He bit his lip, mentally flipping through his calendar. The next weekend after would work better.

“Ok, I’ll get Trixie to write it in.”

Starlight pulled his sword back, before swinging hard. It cut through his neck like paper. Rainbow saw it all. Instead of blood, red rose pedals flew out of the wound. The moment the blade completely decapitated the chimp, his entire body turned into petals. It got caught in the wind, mingling with the pink cherry blossoms before being scattered all over the courtyard. In a blink, the only sign of the chimp would be the blossoms.

Starlight dropped the chimp’s sword. It clattered once, but not twice. It too turned into petals, this time a mix of red and silver blossoms. Rainbow landed beside her, mostly out of awe. They stood side by side, staring at where the chimp was for a full minute in silence.

“Hey. Rainbow?”

Rainbow shook herself out of the stupor. “W- I’m here, what’s up?” she said with a quivering voice.

Starlight’s horn glowed, magic encasing the most serious injuries on her body and rapidly sealing them up. Rainbow grimaced at the sight. “Oooh, that’s gonna leave me sore for a bit. I gotta take a nap… Just get my sword and get me home please… Call for Trixie, she’ll know what to do…”

When her spell finished, a wave of magical exhaustion along with the adrenaline crash hit her all at once. She lowered herself to the stone floor, getting ahead of her shaking legs giving out. “Just gonna lie down…” She collapsed on the floor with a light thud.

Rainbow poked her still body, unsure of what to do. Was she dead? She can't be dead, how is she-

After a second, Starlight let out a loud snore, causing Rainbow to jump. She reasoned that she was probably fine.

Rainbow tried to yank the sword from the tree trunk. She didn’t have much experience holding it between her hooves so she tried with her mouth. It didn’t budge, it was pretty deeply embedded into the tree.

After a minute of fruitless pulling, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and gasped. It was the chimp, as if nothing had happened to him! She yelled and leaped back, but the chimp was completely unfazed.

His hands wrapped around the handle, and after a count of three, he pulled the sword from the tree trunk. The blade looked completely unblemished, as if it was forged yesterday. She held out her hooves, letting him place the sword neatly on them, before he turned around, calmly leaving the courtyard and towards the sunset.

Rainbow Dash looked down at the sword, and then to Starlight on the ground, still snoring loudly. She smacked her lips. “How the heck am I going to explain this to Twilight?”

Author's Note

Again, many thanks to MerchantofMisrata for putting up with me and proofreading this damn mess.