Seashell (print rewrite)

SEASHELL

Excerpt XIX
From the journal of Sunburst, October 16, YS 1329:

It’s over. Today was the last day I was a palace guard.

Tomorrow, in the dark of the early morning before the sun rises, I’ll leave the city and follow the road until it fades away into nothing. Then I’ll travel the trackless wilds beyond Equestria until I finally reach the Seawall, days from now. I and whoever the unicorn is who gets sent with me will relieve the ponies currently there waiting for us to send them home. They’ll leave gladly, as quickly as they can. They have families and friends who’ve been waiting a long time to see them again.

Then it’s six months of pure isolation. Six months of being alone with my thoughts.

That’s right. Just you and me, journal. Just you and me.

No more watching the captain and the princess. What a relief.

I suppose it’s true that I’m running away, and I admit it. I wish I was stronger, better equipped to handle this. Still, at least I feel like I can take my exit with dignity. I’m not running away without any resolution, and that’s what’s important. My one major loose end is tied off, as much as I’m able to do so.

I’ve realized that part of what makes this so difficult is that a pony can be helped only as much as they realize they want to be helped. Sometimes most of the battle isn’t as much about direct intervention as it is about getting them to the realization that they need to fix things themselves. To that end, I came up with a plan. I was scared I would chicken out, but I did it, somehow, and that… that’s what counts, I guess.

It’s a longshot, but it’s the only shot I have, so I took it.

Maybe it’s a foolish shot to take, but if I don’t, I’m not sure what kind of pony I’ll ever be able to see again when I look in a mirror. Somepony will be staring back at me, and I don’t think I’ll like her. I already don’t know if I do as it is.

So this is what I did: before I came to the palace for my last day, I found my way back to the little flower shop where I’d learned the differences between white and red roses. It was a bit out of my way, but this was where my inklings about the captain and the princess had begun all those months ago, so it seemed… poetic, or something. I don’t know. Or maybe I just didn’t know where else to buy flowers off the top of my head. It’s not like I do a whole lot of that.

The same earth pony mare with the pale pink coat was there behind the counter. The same vibrant blooms still surrounded her, wreathing her in their explosion of colors.

“Hi!” She greeted me with the same cheery voice and a morning-fresh smile. Again, like the first time we’d met, and every other time I’d happened to pass by the flower stand after that, I noticed her pretty jade green eyes, colored in a perfect compliment to her coat and mane. I always get pulled into them for just a second. They’re just so striking. I couldn’t let it last too long, though. There wasn’t much time before my last shift was supposed to start.

“Good morning!” I nodded back to her. “I think I’d like to get some roses, please.”

“Great! And, umm… what is it you’re hoping to say with these roses, if I can ask?” she inquired.

On any other day, the question might have given me pause, but right now I didn’t really need to think about it.

It was exhausting, the way I’d spent far too much time thinking about it already.

The whole reason I was here was because I was ready to be done thinking about it.

In my dreams the key they needed was always the same color.

“Red,” I answered her. “I need to say what it is that red says, to… well, to somepony I’ve known for a very long time and I… haven't been able to say it to before. And I need to say how strongly I’ve felt it, and I need to say it in a way that can make up for a lot of lost time feeling it without being able to tell her. I need to say I should have done this a long time ago, because I need this… because I know we both need this… and I need to say that how I feel is deeper than the ocean and higher than the sky. We can’t pretend it’s not there and I can’t keep living without it anymore.”

She stared at me for a long, silent moment with wide eyes.

“Wow,” she breathed, almost in a whisper. She thought for a moment. “I think… you're going to have to say that from your heart, because as nice as flowers are, even I have to admit they only go so far. But maybe I can get you a good running start.” She turned to some of the many flowers filling her little shop and started sifting through them. “It’d have to be these.” She pulled out a selection of a dozen red roses and laid them on the counter. “These are the best I can do for what... what you want to say.”

She said they were the best, and it was easy to believe. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more saturated, vividly dark intense crimson. They were deep burgundy, like rich wine, like the lifeblood straight from a vein. The petals of every bloom were perfect, flawless in their delicate curves and smoother and softer than the best satin or silk. Their scent was a gentle perfume that spoke of the fondest days of spring sunshine, with an erotic undertone of warm nights in a subtleness that paradoxically made it seem even more emphatic because of the attention it quietly but unmistakably commanded.

These were the kind of flowers you give a princess.

“They’re perfect,” I said quietly. “I’ll take them.” I didn’t care what the price was. Money doesn’t mean a lot where I’m going for the next six months anyway.

She wrapped them up carefully in tissue paper, tied together with a piece of silk string, and I paid. I gently packed them into my saddle bag, where they would go unseen.

“So who’s the lucky pony?” the flower pony behind the counter asked. “They sound pretty amazing.”

“I don’t think you’d believe me if I told you.” My voice was a little unsteady.

“Don’t wanna say? That’s alright, I understand.” She nodded. “Nervous?”

“You have no idea.”

“Well, don’t worry about it, a lot of ponies get nervous,” she reassured me. “Don’t be, though. They’ll love ‘em, I know it. I mean… I know I would, at least.”

“I hope so.” I nodded. “Thanks for your help. I have to be going. I need to be at work soon.” I started to walk away.

“Good luck!” she called after me enthusiastically.

Yeah, I thought to myself. They’re gonna need it.

When I got in, I stashed the flowers in my locker and changed into my armor. Slipping on that chainmail coat is a shell I can’t tell yet if I’m going to miss or be glad to not need for the next six months.

Maybe both. Probably both.

I said a lot of goodbyes throughout the day. Most of them were the other guards in my section. I haven’t gone out of my way to ever really hang out outside work, but I guess looking back at it a certain kind of bond just naturally forms when you’re around a group of ponies working and training with them for this long. I think this day was probably a personal record for the most hugs I’ve ever gotten.

It started to get a little exhausting, really.

The more goodbyes I had to face, the more they made me feel bit by bit like ever more of an antihero. I don’t know what other kind of pony would just run away, and every pony I had to look in the eye as I was leaving them behind kept reminding me of it again and again.

One goodbye in particular meant the most to me, and I was dreading it but I knew it had to come. I haven’t been able to help but get a little attached to Azure Sky. I guess the feeling is mutual. When she hugged me goodbye she threw her forelegs around my neck and clung to me with a grip that seemed several times stronger than should be possible for a little unicorn filly her size. I’m still suspicious that it was magic assisted, whether she was conscious of it or not. Unicorns are known to react with surprisingly forceful reflexive telekinesis in emotional or distressing times, and even when she’s calm she’s already very powerful as it is.

“Why can’t you stay here and keep us all safe?” she asked sadly.

“I’ve got new orders. I’m sorry, Azure.” I felt like a heel even as I said it. I didn’t know how to tell her that I’d requested those new orders, and I could have still been here for a very long time if I hadn’t. But how do I explain this, all of these circumstances pushing me, to a child? I just don’t know. I don’t even know how to explain it completely to myself.

No, I’m not entirely proud of every aspect of how I’m running away and leaving. I just don’t know another way.

“Will you at least come back to say hi sometime?” she asked.

“In six months or so, when I get back to Canterlot, then I can,” I told her. “If it’s alright with Princess Twilight, of course.”

“It will be. She says friends are as important as books and reading,” Azure told me. “And that means really, really important. So I know it’ll be fine.”

I didn’t tell her I’ve never exactly been much of one for friends. Maybe she’s right, though. Maybe some friends are important, or at least should be more important than I’ve made them. I suppose I could try it out. I guess I’ll see if that notion still sticks by the time I get back half a year from now.

“Alright, I’ll see what I can do when the time comes,” I finally told her.

“Okay.” She nodded. “Goodbye, Ms. Sunburst.”

“Goodbye, Azure.” I gave her one last squeeze. She kissed me on the cheek and then let me go.

Eventually the shift was finally over. In the locker room I took off my armor for the last time and put on my saddlebag. I stepped out into the hallway.

Captain Dash’s office was only one door down. I waited until every other pony had gone on ahead of me, and I slipped in and closed the door behind myself silently. I opened my saddlebag and took out the flowers, and unwrapped them from the thin veil of tissue paper protecting them until now. This was it, the moment of truth. I left the roses on Captain Dash’s desk, with a note laying on top of the bouquet where she would easily find it:

Captain Dash,

I know that this must seem strange, but I felt like I had to do this. These roses are beautiful, but they’ll wither away quickly and before we know it they’ll be gone. The memory of what they meant and how special they were will be all that’s left. The lives of ponies are like that, too. It’s tragic to waste the time you have wanting something but being too afraid to ever take your chance.

Please, take these and give them to her. Tell her how you feel before it’s too late. She feels the same way. I’ve seen it in you both. I’ve been watching it all this time. Don’t let a good thing slip away. You both deserve to be happy, and together, you can be. I believe that more than I’ve ever believed anything.

Goodbye.

 I snuck back out of her office and I left the palace for the last time, before anypony else could accost me for any more sentimental farewells and whatever.

And that was that.

It seems like such a simple, small thing, leaving behind some flowers and hoping it’s enough to strike a spark, but it was the only thing I could think of. With that last act, I’ve done all I can. The rest is up to them, as it must be.

What’ll happen to me for this? I don’t know. I know that the captain will know it was me. Obviously, she can put two and two together. Maybe I’ll get chewed out. Maybe nothing will happen. Either way, I’ll very shortly be out of anypony's reach for six months, so it’ll be a pretty cold issue by the time I can possibly get yelled at anyway. Besides, I didn’t mention any names in that note, so I don’t think I exposed anypony to any real risk of scandal or embarrassment. Plausible deniability: always keep it handy for things like this.

At the end of it all, it’s worth whatever risk there is. I’m glad I can walk away with my head held high.

And with that, I’m done here.

My saddlebags are packed, and I’m ready. Enough writing. Time for me to grab a few hours of sleep, then grab my stuff and go.
 
 
See you in the fashion pages, Canterlot.