Chapters My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie
It was an exquisite restaurant called the Mare D'Force. Hoity-Toity himself established it after the Fashion Show at Rarity's boutique.
As the servers were gathering orders, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash were sitting at a table. All but Pinkie Pie seemed rather displeased to be there.
"Jeez Louise, Pinkie," said Applejack. "Why'd we have to come over her for lunch? Pardon me, but this place is too girly for mah tastes!"
"Yeah," interjected Rainbow Dash. "Why aren't we at Horsia? That joint is at least 40 percent cooler than here!"
Pinkie Pie simply responded with a chuckle and smile, before playfully flinging a straw at Applejack.
Suddenly, Twilight emerged at the table from the restroom. "Girls, do you want to go? Even I'm having trouble adjusting this place." She leaned in to whisper to her friends. "There're even butlers at in restroom." Everypony, except Pinkie Pie, grimaced at this statement.
Once night had fallen on Ponyville, Twilight and the gang, minus Rarity and Fluttershy, were at the club, being hosted by the one and only DJ P0N-3.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash were hoof-pumping to the rhythm, and even Twilight herself was dancing, though all eyes were laid on her rather atrocious moves.
While the rest of her friends were partying, Pinkie Pie was surprisingly over at the bar, asking the bartender for a milkshake. She had been given a coupon from the Cakes where she could get any drinks she wanted for a limited time.
The bartender took the coupon and looked at it. "I'm sorry, but this is no good here. It's a bit bar! That'll be 25 bits, by the way."
Despite hearing this, Pinkie Pie continued to smile as if nothing was wrong.
As the bartender turned around to get the milkshake, Pinkie Pie's smile disappeared. "You're a fucking ugly bitch," she retorted. "I want to stab you to death, then play around with you blood." Strangely, nopony seemed to notice what Pinkie had just said. The bartender simply turned back around towards her and handed her the milkshake.
Pinkie Pie's smile had returned.
I live in Sugarcube Corner on Sugarcube Street on the second floor. My name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. I am 21 years old. I believe in partying out, and a sugar-filled diet and a jumping up and down routine. In the morning, if the freshly baked marshmallows are a little puffy, I'll eat them anyways while I do my jumps on my bed. I can do a thousand now. After my jumping, I pour thick maple syrup in my mouth and on my face. In the shower, I eat a water activated whip cream, then a pure honey body scrub, and on the face an lollipop gel scrub. Then I apply chocolate frosting facial, which I leave on for ten minutes until I lick it all off. I always use face lotion with lots of sugar, because sugar makes you hyper and ready for the day ahead. Then corn syrup, then a sugar-filled eye drops followed by a high fructose corn syrup protective lotion. There is an idea of a Pinkie Pie. Some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only a pony. Something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hoof and feel fur gripping yours, and maybe you can sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.
The streets of Ponyville were calm and purely enchanting with many ponies going about their normal routine; shopping, socializing, or enjoying the beautiful spring day. Nopony had any sense of alarm or distress or prejudice. It is truly an ideal civilization.
Pinkie Pie was jumping around the street, as was the norm. She said hi to everypony and anypony she passed by and even reminded a few when their birthdays were coming up, no matter how far away it actually was.
As usual, Fluttershy was strolling the market with her saddlebags, trying to search for proper food for her beloved critters. She may had been a longs way from her comfortable cottage, but throughout the wonderful adventures she shared with her friends, she was more open to everypony than before.
Of course, it would not have been unlikely for these two friends to bump into one another on an ordinary peaceful day.
"Hi Fluttershy!", Pinkie Pie enthusiastically greeted.
"Oh, um, hi Pinkie Pie, how are you?"
Pinkie's smile grew wider. "Oh, nothing! Just going around saying to my friends! Which reminds me. You're my friend, Fluttershy! So, Hi!... Again!"
"Oh, OK then." Even with the countless experiences they shared, Fluttershy still felt nervous around her, with her hoopla and overabundance of cheerfulness. Then, she recalled something. "Oh, by the way, Pinkie. Rarity wants to invite you to the spa with us. She wanted to ask you herself, but I thought I'd just tell you... if that's OK, that is..."
"Hmm..." Pinkie Pie pondered, comically rubbing her chin. "Nah, I can't make it. Maybe some other time, Flutters!"
Fluttershy seemed surprised by this. Pinkie always wanted to hang out with her friends no matter what, which resulted in that unruly incident with the Mirror Pool. "Oh, well, what should I tell Rarity?"
"Just say no."
Rarity met up with Pinkie Pie later that night, and they decided to take a stroll together for the sake of boredom and friendship.
Rarity was telling Pinkie Pie all about her boutique and wanted her to catch up on the success she had been having with top fashion designers in Canterlot.
I'm trying to think about what I should feed Gummy tonight, but Rarity, my supposed friend, keeps buzzing in my ear.
"I'm just telling you, Pinkie darling," Rarity continued. "Photo Finish is asking for requests left and right! I simply cannot keep up with her non-stop fashion tour! Alas, a mare such as myself must carry on! You simply must come to one of these extravaganzas!"
Pinkie Pie turned to Rarity, with a tone of annoyance in her voice. "Do what?"
"Why, come to a fashion show, darling! That's all I've been talking about!"
"No, I can't take time off work."
Rarity seemed shocked by this. "But, Pinkie. You've always stop working at Sugarcube Corner to be with your friends! I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Cake would understand."
"I don't want to talk about it," replied Pinkie.
"Pinkie... I can't help but say I'm surprised. When and why has your job become so important to you?"
Pinkie turned to Rarity's face. "Because I want to fit in. " Her tone gave emphasis to each word.
They continued to trot through the night in Ponyville until they reached a new restaurant. Rarity entered and said to the waiter. "Finish party." Soon, they both walked in.
I'm on the verge of tears by the time we arrive at Eqspace, since I'm positive we won't have a decent table, but we do, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave.
Rarity trotted over to a table, where the rest of the gang, and even Derpy Hooves, were sitting at. "Pinkie," she said as she pointed out to two other ponies at the end of the table, "these are Photo Finish and Hoity-Toity. They're both artists."
Rainbow Dash stands up and hands Pinkie Pie the menu. "The menu's in braille."
Pinkie Pie takes it, realizing it had a reflective surface. She puts her hoof on her mane, and poofs it a little.
"Dashie, what are you doing here?" asks Pinkie Pie. "This doesn't seem like the kind of place we you'd be! Are you an imposter!? Is this a conspiracy!? Somepony tell me now!"
"Relax, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash assured. "I'm only at this snooty joint cause I owe Rarity."
"Now, Rainbow Dash," said Rarity. "I'd prefer if you did not talk that way in front of my guests."
Rainbow Dash sat back down with her hooves crossed.
I'm fairly certain that Rainbow Dash and Rarity are hanging out a lot more than usual. Dashie is the only interesting pony I know. I'm almost completely indifferent as to whether Rarity knows I'm hanging out more with Fluttershy, her closest friend. Fluttershy is almost completely nice. She's usually catering to one or more critters at the same time. Tonight, I believe it's Angel. More disturbing than her love for animals, however, is the fact that she's friends with Derpy Hooves, the biggest dufus in Ponyville.
"So, Mr. Hoity-Toity," began Fluttershy. "I was wondering if you had ever used animal skin on your clothing... if that's OK to ask."
"I heard that!" interjected Derpy. "I read it on a muffin!"
Everypony around the table looked at Derpy confusingly, while she continued smiling obliviously.
"Ah, who cares, Fluttershy?" said Rainbow Dash.
Hoity-Toity began his response to Fluttershy's question. "Well, we do prefer not use real animal skin. It certainly affects us."
Rainbow Dash seemed annoyed by this statement. "What about all those starving foals in Canterlot, mister? I mean, doesn't that affect us, too? Do you know anything about poverty? How Princess Celestia won't let them eat cake?"
"Come on, Dashie," interrupted Pinkie Pie. "There are a lot more important things than starving foals to worry about."
"Like what?"
"Well, we have to end the segregation with the Zebras for one, and slow down the Dragon migrations over Equestria, stop the changelings, and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights while also promoting equal rights for cows. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young ponies."
Everypony else at the table looked at Pinkie Pie as if she was crazy, as Equestria had become void of those problems for centuries.
Twilight said, "Relax, she's just being Pinkie Pie."
"How thought-provoking!" exclaimed Derpy.
Pinkie Pie was walking alone at night in the streets of Ponyville, until Colgate walked by. Pinkie noticed and walked at a speed in order to catch up and eventually be right next to her.
Pinkie began to stare at Colgate, but when she noticed her, Pinkie puts on a smile and says, "Hello."
Colgate replied. "Oh, hi Pinkie Pie." She seems uncomfortable in her response.
They continued to walk on.
Pinkie Pie was at the local laundry mat, which was run by Zebras with thick accents and usually spoke in their native tongue. She argued, "'Bleachie'!? I don't believe that's a word!"
The old Zebra mare behind the counter didn't seem to understand what Pinkie Pie was saying, as she continued her onslaught. "Oh, my Celestia. Two things! One, you can't bleach that sheet. Out of the question. Two, I can only get these sheets in Trottingham! These are very expensive sheets and I really need them clean."
The Zebra continued to speak in the native tongue, which tried Pinkie's patience. She put on a smile and went right into the the Zebra's face. " If you don't shut your fucking mouth, I will kill you."
The Zebra's eyes widen and walked back slowly.
"I have a lunch at Pubert's in 20 minutes with my friends and I need those sheets cleaned by this afternoon."
Still, the old Zebra mare continued to speak in her foreign language. To which Pinkie Pie started laughing a little. "I cannot understand you! This is crazy. You're a fool. I can't cope with this. Stupid 'bitchie'!!! Understand!? Jeez."
"Umm... Pinkie?"
Pinkie turned around and saw Fluttershy, as she had walked into the laundry mat.
"Oh, hi Pinkie Pie. I just thought it was you... but I wasn't sure."
Pinkie smiled. "Hi, Fluttershy! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I was just hear to drop off these clothes for Angel. It's fine by me, but it is a little far away from my home... But, they really are the best, though!"
Pinkie Pie grabbed the sheets out of the Zebra's hooves. "Then why can't they get these stains out? I mean, can you talk to these ponies or something? I'm not getting anywhere."
Fluttershy noticed the red stains on the sheet. "Oh, what are those? If you don't mind me asking, that is..."
"Oh... well, it's cranberry juice. Cranapple, actually! I was just making some treats for Gummy and they just spilled on my bed! Silly me, huh!?"
"Really?"
"Hey, if you could talk to them, that'd just be super-duper, don't you think, Fluttershy? I'm really late I have a lunch with Twilight at Pubert's in 15 minutes."
"Umm, Pinkie? Didn't Pubert's run out of business?" asked Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie raced for the door, however, and said, "Well, oh boy! I've gotta go. Thanks, Fluttershy!"
"Oh, it's fine by me, Pinkie. Hey, maybe we could have lunch one day next week."
"Sorry, I am at Sugarcube Corner all the time!"
Fluttershy seemed consistent. "What about a Saturday?"
Pinkie Pie looked at her hoof for an imaginary watch and said, "Next Saturday?"
Fluttershy smiled and answered, "Sure. I'd love to."
"Can't. I have a matinee of Les Mares. Listen, I've really got to go. I'll see ya!"
And Pinkie was gone.
Pinkie Pie was in her room talking to Gummy. Throughout the entire conversation, Gummy remained silent.
"Listen, you're dating Colgate, and she's in Trottingham. You're fucking me, and we haven't made plans. What could you possibly be up to tonight? ... On a lot of sugar? Gummy? Gummy, you're dating an asshole. Gummy, you're dating the biggest dickweed in Ponyville. Gummy, you're dating a tumbling, tumbling dickweed. ... Gummy? Dinner. ...I'm thinking Horsia. ...Wear something fabulous."
Pinkie Pie was walking the streets of Ponyville, scouting for the most craved restaurant in Ponyville, Horsia. She entered the renowned fine-eating establishment, only to be greeted by a waiter with an upper-crust accent and moustache.
"Welcome to Horsia, mademoiselle. How can I help you?"
"Yeah, I know it's a little late, but is it possible to reserve a table for two at 8:00 or 8:30, please?"
The waiter looked at Pinkie is silence, before he began to descend into a fit of laughter in front of her.
Pinkie Pie and the gang, that was the Elements of Harmony, had gathered into Twilight's library. It was filled to the brim with bookshelves stuffed with ancient tomes and as well modern writings. There was no doubt in any pony's mind that the ever studious librarian had read every single book, as she lived in the hollowed-out tree.
And then there was Derpy. The ever bubbly, as complimented by her bubble cutie mark, mailmare had somehow joined the clique and socializing with all the other ponies as if they had known each other forever. The conversations of friendship, activities, and other common topics were all being shared about the ponies, including Spike, save for Pinkie Pie. She had strangely been standing alone near the windows looking outside.
Derpy flew over Pinkie, clumsily, to greet her. "Hi, Pinkie Pie! How're you doin'!? Wow, I really like your mane it's all cotton candy! Can I touch it?" Despite never given an answer, Derpy reached with her hoof towards Pinkie's bubble gum hair.
With the swiftness of a ninja, Pinkie smacked away Derpy's hoof away from her hair. "Your compliment was sufficient, Derpy."
The cross-eyes pegasus simply smiled and said, "OK!" She giggled and flew away towards the other ponies.
Rainbow Dash approached Pinkie Pie to greet her as well. "Hey, Pinks. How are ya?"
Dash has mistaken my name and called me 'Pinks', the name of another pony, who's a complete dickhead. It seemed logical, because Pinks also has a pink coat and, in fact, has the exact same voice as me. She also works at a sweets shop with BonBon and Mintabella. Pinks and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly sillier haircut.
"So, how's it going at Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"It's uh... it's just super-duper-Cooper!" replied Pinkie with a smile.
"Really? That's interesting. It's not... it's not great. That's what I hear from the Cakes. They say you spend too much time in your room talking to Gummy than working."
"Oh, well, you know, Dashie! Hey, how about I make us all cupcakes!" In an instant, a pink blur could be seen sinking into the kitchen as Pinkie Pie expedited her baking skills. A fresh batch of cupcakes was delivered to each of the ponies.
Later on, Applejack and Rainbow Dash begun rambling about playing horseshoe. "Aw yeah!" said Rainbow, obviously enthusiastic about the promise of a competitive match with her best friend and rival. "I got my lucky horseshoe with me! Check it out."
Applejack took the horseshoe and inspected it. "Woo wee! That there sure is a mighty fine horseshoe you got there, Rainbow. So, how about Friday?"
"Sorry, AJ. No can do. I got an 8:30 res at Horsia."
All eyes were on Rainbow Dash, shocked that the athletic mare would have a reservation for a fine dinning restaurant in Ponyville. She knew what they were asking without a word being mentioned and answered, "Uh... it's a dinner with Soarin, OK?" A nervous laugh followed this.
Rarity faced Twilight and Fluttershy. "Horsia on a Friday night? How'd she swing that?"
Twilight replied, "I think she's lying."
Pinkie Pie had become interested by this conversation the moment she saw Rainbow Dash's lucky horseshoe. She picked hers off one of her front hoofs and slide it forward for all to see. "New horseshoe. What do you think?"
Everypony leaned in at the white, shiny, and refurbished horseshoe. Twilight gave her thought on it. "Whoa. Very nice. Look at that."
A smug smirk appeared on Pinkie's face. "Picked them up from the blacksmith's yesterday."
"Good coloring," said Rarity.
"That's bone. And the nailing is something called silian nail."
"It's very cool, Pinkie," said Twilight. "But that's nothing. Look at this." Twilight removed one of her horseshoe, which was colored by a matching purple hue as the owner, and placed it right next to Pinkie's.
"That is really nice," complimented Rarity.
"I agree," whispered Fluttershy.
"Egg iron with romarelian nailing," continued Twilight. "What do you think?"
Pinkie examined the horseshoe under great scrutiny, only to politely reply, "Nice."
"By Celestia," Rarity continued, "that is simply superb. By don't take take this into offense, Twilight, but I never knew you could be so tasteful."
Twilight answered, "Oh I don't mind, Rarity."
I can't believe Rarity prefers Twilight's card to mine.
Rarity interjected, "Still, darlings. I'm sure you haven't seen anything quite like this." She pulled off her horseshoe and displayed it for all to see. "Raised ironing. Pale nimbus white." Ironically, it looked the same as very other horseshoe.
"Impressive," Pinkie complimented. "Very nice.... Let's see Rainbow Dash's card."
Applejack pulled out Rainbow's horseshoe, which is strangely had been keeping in her hat, and handed it to Pinkie Pie.
Look at that subtle off-cyan coloring, the tasteful thickness of it. Oh my, Celestia. It even has a watermark.
Everybody around Pinkie Pie watched her nervously, as her hoof shaked while holding Rainbow's horseshoe, before dropping it onto the floor. The silence lingered, until Derpy asked, "Is something wrong, Pinkie? You're sweating."
Pinkie Pie walked the dark streets of Ponyville at night. It had recently rained, as a fog lingered the around the town and mostly consumed the legs of any pony walking around.
Pinkie took an alleyway, a route she didn't usually take to go home. As she trotted, a certain purple pony was lying around with a bottle of Pinot Noir in her hoof, as she spoke slurred language, which one could interpret as drunk speak. It was Berry Punch, the alcohol enthusiast of Ponyville, even though she had her own foal daughter to take care of.
Pinkie stood in front of Berry and greeted her. "Hello." She scared Berry for a moment, until she laughed in her intoxicated state. "Oh, hi, hic Pinkie Pies. Spare some hic cutter, me sister?"
Pinkie Pie took out some bits from her pouch. " You want some money? Some booze? This what you want?"
"Yeah hic . I'm so knocked off my hic ass." Berry continued laughing.
"Yeah. Cold out, too, isn't it?" Pinkie sat down to Berry's level. " Why don't you get a job? If you love booze so much, why don't you get a job?"
In response, she laughed. "Heh, I hic lost my job. Hehehe, stupid hic fucking boss."
"I'm guessing you're drinking. That's why you lost your job. Come on, tell me what's your name?"
"Huh?" Berry asked. "You know my hic name, Pinkie Pie."
"Speak up, what's your name?"
Berry scoffed at this ridiculous answer. "It's Berry Punch, Pinkie. hic Come on, you kn-"
"Get a Celestia-damn job, Berry!" Pinkie interrupted. "You have a foal to take care of. And you've got a drinking problem. That's what's stopping you. You gotta get your act together. I'll help you."
Berry's attitude soured as she grabbed Pinkie's hoof. "Eh, fuck you, Pinkies Pied. hic "
Pinkie smiled smugly and said, "You know how bad you smell? You reek of shit and booze. Do you know that? Teehee! Berry, I'm sorry. It's just that... I don't know." She got up and looked away disinterested. "I don't have anything in common with you." Pinkie Pie reached down and took something out of her pouch.
"What's that?" Berry asked.
"You know what a fucking loser you are?"
"Wha-?" Berry couldn't complete that sentence as Pinkie thrusted the knife she had multiple times into Berry's stomach. She quickly died, with virtually no struggle at all. A dog which Pinkie did not notice began barking at her, until it was silenced by the forceful stomps of Pinkie's front hooves.
Pinkie was having an unusual day by her standards, as she spent more of her afternoon at the spa, run by the spa sisters themselves, Lotus Blossom and Aloe. The treatment began with a facial rub.
"What a beautiful coat you have, Ms. Pie," complimented Aloe. "So fine, so smooth."
I have all the characteristics of a pony- flesh, blood, coat, mane- but not a single clear identifiable emotion, except for euphoria and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me, and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflowed into my days. I fell lethal, on the verge of party. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
A new season had arrived to cover the small town of Ponyville under a pillow of pure snow and everypony bundled up in order to tolerate the coldness of winter. It was the Hearth's Warming Eve season and celebrations were under way all across the land of Equestria. Canterlot was preparing for their annual pageant honoring the holiday as the Elements of Harmony had arrived a few days prior.
Ever since the six friends' first pageant together, Princess Celestia has asked Twilight and her friends to perform every year as long as they are comfortable with it. This year, as a sign of appreciation, the Princess decided to throw a Hearth's Warming Eve party in their honor. Normally, Celestia asked Pinkie Pie if she wanted to put it together, but Pinkie declined.
The upper class caste that made up most of Canterlot were enjoying their beverages and refreshments the party offered, as it was Rarity who had set it up, due to Pinkie's refusal to do so.
Pinkie had just begun relaxing at the party, casually grabbing a glass of punch being served by waiters, until a certain pony, Fancy Pants approached her. "Pinks, my dear, what say about their festivity? After all, Lady Rarity says that you are, in her words, 'a party fanatic'!"
"Oh, hey, Pants. Have a warm Hearth's Warming Eve." Pinkie quickly changed the discussion. "Is Rainbow Dash still going out with Soarin?" There, in the corner of the room, was the daredevil herself, nuzzling with the junior captain of the Wonderbolts.
Fancy Pants gasp, "Why of course, mademoiselle. Who else?"
Suddenly, Rarity came in, wearing a rather provocative red and white dress. "Happy Hearth's Warming Eve!" She greeted Pinkie and Fancy Pants and gave them both a kiss on the cheek. For some odd reason, Philomena, Princess Celestia's pet fiery phoenix, was standing on her rump. "Oh, by the way, Pinkie, darling. I hate to sound pushy, but you were late for the party."
"But I'm not late, Rarity."
The white equine giggled. "Oh, yes, you are."
Pinkie sighed. "I've been here the entire time. You just didn't see me." She could tell that Rarity wasn't exactly in it, as her response was pushing her flank near Pinkie's face. Anonymously, somepony put reindeer ears on Pinkie.
"Say hello to Philomena, Pinkie. Philomena says, Happy Hearth's Warming Eve, Pinkie." The last part was said in a rather goofy voice by Rarity. Pinkie could only look at it in disgust.
"What is it?"
Rarity gasped. "How can you not remember, Pinkie? Fluttershy had that whole episode with keeping Philomena away from the Princess. And besides, they make darling pets." Rarity cooed at the phoenix, "Don't you? Don't you?"
Rejection and disgust and irritation was all that could be interpreted on Pinkie Pie's face. And Rarity could see this to, as she said, "Pinkie, would you mind and stop scowling? You are not being yourself, like a grump" She moved a bit closer to Pinkie's face. "And what does Ms. Grumpie Pie want for Hearth's Warming Eve? And please don't say eyelash implants again."
Pinkie held a hoof up to Rarity and quickly trotted away. She came to Rainbow Dash, who was finally alone after Soarin left for drinks. "Dashie!"
"Pinks!" Rainbow responded. "Happy Hearth's Warming Eve. How're you doing? Are you enjoying the party? I know when it comes to you, I should ask which parties are lame and which are awesome!" She spotted Twilight waving at her. "Hey, Twilight we should go to Pell's! Limo's out front!"
Pinkie got Dash's attention back and asked, "Dashie, wouldn't it be great if we could have dinner?"
"Maybe you could bring... uh..."
"Fluttershy?"
"Yes," exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "Fluttershy, that scaredy-pony!"
Pinkie smiled. "Oh, Fluttershy would adore it."
"Well, let's do it, Pinks!" Rainbow noticed Rarity and left, but not before she could say, "great party."
"Why, thank you, Rainbow Dash!" As soon as Dash left, Rarity asked, "Pinkie, why was she calling you Pinks?"
Pinkie Pie could only laugh and say, "Who wants cupcakes!?" as she pulled out her party cannon and a blast of pastries covered most of Canterlot high society in batter and confetti.
