You're a Good Mare, Twilight Sparkle
Disclaimer: I am neither Lauren Faust nor Jayson Thiesson. I am not the president of Hasbro. I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any of its intellectual concepts. I make no money from this writing.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
You’re a Good Mare, Twilight Sparkle.
Sugarcube Corner was a hub of frenetic activity as ponies hurried around, working as fast as they could for their secret party for their mutual friend, Twilight Sparkle. Rainbow Dash, take-charge mare extraordinaire, hovered in the mid of the main room, barking out orders as fast as they were needed.
“Fluttershy, put up more balloons! I don’t want to be able to see the ceiling! Rarity, hang those streamers straighter! Pinkie Pie, go check on the cupcakes and see if Mrs. Cake has any of those fun swirly straws things! Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, go check with Thunderlane and Flitter to see how they’re doing with the fireworks! I-oh for Pet’s sake Rarity, stop trying to make the party favors symmetrical and make sure the presents are all together!”
The front door to the bakery chimed behind Rainbow Dash, causing her to turn around. “Applejack, there you are!”
“Yeah yeah, here Ah am. Gosh, this place is more hectic than an Apple Family reunion!”
Rainbow Dash landed and trotted over to meet the just-arrived farm pony halfway, noting how tired she looked. “You’re ten minutes late. How’s the Sweet Apple Acres Super Cider coming along?”
Applejack took a minute to catch her breath before answering. “It’s coming along alright, hold yer horses. The Apple Family hasn’t broken out this recipe since my Ma and Pa’s wedding, so it’s taking some extra work to get right.”
Rainbow Dash huffed. “This stuff better not take too much extra work, AJ, or else it won’t be ready in time! Twilight’s been officially living in Ponyville with us for two years today, this is a big deal! Go back to Sweet Apple Acres and tell Granny Smith and Big Macintosh to work faster!”
The farm pony rolled her eyes and started back for the door. “You’ll get yer cider in time, Dash, or else Big Mac’s a gelding!”
“And suddenly,” said Rainbow Dash as Applejack left, “I’m glad this conversation’s over. That was getting awkward.”
Before the rainbow-maned pegasus could return to organizing (that is, yelling at all the others what to do), the swinging doors into the kitchen flew open from an explosion, painting half the storefront in cherry-pink frosting. Rainbow Dash allowed herself a moment to just stand there, the entire left side of her body covered in a fine coat of frosting, Rarity’s horrified screams at the mess ringing in her ears, before slowly turning to look at the kitchen.
Pinkie Pie stood in the doorway, covered head to hoof in frosting. The earth pony let out a nervous chuckle as Mr. and Mrs. Cake walked up to her, equally covered in frosting, and combined their glares with Rainbow Dash’s. “Hehe… I guess adding yeast to the frosting didn’t help any… I’ll stay out of the kitchen now…”
Rarity was still screaming and Fluttershy was hiding beneath a table, with just the tip of her tail poking out from under the cloth. Rainbow Dash held in her own scream, instead just rubbing her forehead and groaning. “I hope Spike’s not having this much trouble keeping Twilight busy.”
MEANWHILE, AT THE LIBRARY!
“Spike! Why in Equestria did you just my grocery list!?” Twilight paced around the kitchen, groaning. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to write that? I had to check what we have in the fridge and cupboards, and then re-check, and then check again…”
‘Yeah, that’s why I burnt it,’ thought Spike as Twilight continued talking. What he said aloud when she finished was “I just, uh, I just… um… thought it was attacking you.”
Twilight stared at Spike.
Spike stared at Twilight.
Twilight stared at Spike, and then sighed and shook her head. “Spike, grocery lists are inanimate objects. They can’t attack anypony, silly.”
Spike’s cheeks lit up in a blush. “Oh, right. Hehe, silly me.” Was that seriously the best he could do? Rainbow Dash and the others were counting on him! “So uh, I guess you’ll have to write it all over again, right?”
At this Twilight smiled, before pulling a sheet of paper from her saddlebags. “No worries, I made a spare just in case of random monster attack! See you later, Spike!”
Twilight left the kitchen and started for the door out of the library, humming a soft tune to herself. Seeing this, Spike let out a gasp of panic and ran, cutting the mare off before she could open the door. “Wait!”
“Ugh, what is it now, Spike? I really need to go shopping for lunch today.”
‘Come on Spike, think of something, think of something…’ The baby dragon dug deep into his brain for ideas, and came up with one he knew he would regret. “Twilight, before you go shopping, will you, uh, tell me a story?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, which was better than Spike had hoped for. “What kind of story?”
“Uh… er…” Spike took a deep breath to prepare himself, and then dove in. “Talking scientifically, why is the sky blue?”
The saddlebags fell from Twilight’s back and her eyes lit up like stars. Spike had a bad feeling about this.
MEANWHILE, BACK AT SUGARCUBE CORNER!
The frosting had been cleaned up, Rarity had been calmed down, and Fluttershy had been coaxed out from under the table with the promise by Rainbow Dash of another butterfly-watching session. Most importantly, the Wonderbolt-wannabe thought, Pinkie Pie had been sent upstairs by the Cakes to look after Pound and Pumpkin while everyone else worked.
“So far, so good,” said Rainbow Dash, helping Fluttershy hang up a large banner saying “THANKS FOR TWO YEARS IN PONYVILLE” from the ceiling. Rarity had made it herself, crafted from the most expensive purple fabrics imported straight from Canterlot, the letters the color of Twilight’s mane.
Dash hovered in place and grinned up at it, allowing herself a small moment of peace (and the others a small moment of peace from her yelling). “Oh man, I can’t believe it’s been two years since Twilight moved here. Things have just been so awesome around town since she moved here!”
Rarity trotted over to look up at the banner as well. “I couldn’t agree with you more, Rainbow Dash! Why, I remember life before she came here, when I only knew you through Fluttershy thanks to our mutual spa trips, thought of Pinkie Pie as ‘that annoying pink thing with the terrible mane, and between the two of us rather disliked Applejack.”
She sighed and smiled, her eyes seeming to fill up with stars to Rainbow Dash. “Now we’re all just the best of friends!”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Yeah, and I used to think Pinkie was just an annoying little… wait.” She shot Rarity a look. “You hated Applejack?”
Rarity blushed a little and slouched under the pegasus’ stare. “Well, er, hate is such a strong word. I mean, she’s just so rough and dirty and uncouth.” Rarity’s expression changed to one of fond remembrance. “But after one wonderful night spent together at Twilight’s during a storm, she and I learned to get past each other’s differences!”
Rainbow Dash blinked, gears grinding in her head as she thought on what Rarity had just said. ‘One wonderful night… together… get past differences… wait a minute…’
It clicked.
“Oh! Rarity!” Rainbow Dash grinned wide as she looked at the ivory mare with new-found understanding. “I didn’t know you and Applejack shared that kind of bond! Good for you two!”
Rarity kept smiling. Rainbow Dash waited a minute for a response, any kind of response, but Rarity just kept smiling. If anything the smile got wider. And the pegasus wasn’t sure, but Rarity seemed to have gotten closer without taking a step. “Uh, Rarity?”
“Remind me, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity, turning that now-sickeningly sweet smile at the pegasus, “to hurt you when this whole celebration thing is over and done with.”
Then the unicorn trotted off to the kitchen. Rainbow Dash, shaken by the threat, looked at the nearby Pinkie Pie. “I… I don’t really have to remind her, do I?”
The earth pony put a lot more effort into her thinking pose and took longer to respond than Rainbow Dash found herself comfortable with. But then a greater concern revealed itself. “Hey wait a second! Pinkie, what are you doing down here? You’re supposed to be upstairs watching the foals!”
The pink mare shrugged and smiled. “No need to worry, those sweeties are taking a nap right n-”
A bathtub slid down the stairs, Pound and Pumpkin Cake giggling like mad and splashing water everywhere. It slammed into the counter, sending the two foals flying through the air, only to be barely caught by Fluttershy before they flew through an open window. Meanwhile, the steaming water in the bathtub flew out in a great wave at Rarity. She had only a moment to scream in surprise before becoming drenched hoof to horn.
Sugarcube Corner was completely silent. Everyone in there turned to look at Pinkie, who shrunk beneath the weight of their glares until she only came up to Rainbow Dash’s chest. “Uh…”
“Pinkie…”
“Oh look at that,” Pinkie shouted, racing up the stairs and coming back a moment later with Gummy latched to her mane. “It’s time to take Gummy out on a walk I think I’ll check up on all your pets while I’m out okay see ya bye!”
As Pinkie slammed the door behind her and Fluttershy fly by carrying the twins, Rainbow Dash sighed and started lugging the bathtub back up the stairs. “I wonder how AJ’s doing right about now.”
“AAAHHHH MY HAT’S ON FIRE, HEEEEELLLP!”
Big Mac and the Great and Powerful Trixie chased Applejack through the fields of Sweet Apple Acres, the red stallion carrying a bucket of water in his mouth by the handle and Trixie trying to magically regrow her singed-off eyebrows.
“Get back here immediately, you foalish country bumpkin! Trixie insists you stop so that we may help you!”
Not quite thinking clearly, on account of her hat being on fire, Applejack continued to run around the orchards in a state of panic. This could have gone on for much longer, if not for Apple Bloom circling around and cutting the middle Apple sibling off as she ran by the barn, tackling Applejack to the ground and throwing the Stetson off her. Big Mac doused it with the bucket of water, while Trixie stood there and looked great and powerful.
For a minute or more nobody said anything as Applejack caught her breath. Then she struggled back to her hooves and turned to the smirking unicorn. “You sure picked a fine time to come back ‘round these parts, ya no-good show pony!”
Trixie huffed and brushed some soot off her shoulder with a hoof. “Trixie could not have known that using magic to speed up the distilling process of that Zap Apple cider would be so… explosive. No harm was meant, Trixie assures you. She was only trying to assist in something that looked intriguing.”
Applejack stared at Trixie. Apple Bloom stared at Trixie. Big Mac stared at Trixie. Trixie’s left eye twitched beneath the weight of all the staring until, finally, she snapped. “What? What is it!?”
The three Apple siblings shared a look, before Applejack stepped forward. “We’re uh, just wondering what yer doing here, seeing as yer last visit to Ponyville didn’t go so well. For anypony.”
“Oh, of course. Trixie supposes she skipped out on explaining that part. Well you see, simple country bumpkins,” Trixie struck a pose, her cape and hat appearing out of nowhere on her body. “The Great and Powerful Trixie wishes to test her might once more against her most worthy of foes, Twilight Sparkle! It shall be a show for the ages! Muhahahahahaha!”
Applejack groaned and put a hoof to her face. “Ah really hope Spike’s having a better time than us…”
“And so, the shape of naturally-forming clouds is informed by how high into the atmosphere they appear and the wind currents they encounter. Cumulus, meaning ‘heap’ or ‘pile’, are some of the lower floating clouds. Stratus clouds are the flat, hazy, featureless clouds that can be formed from stratocumulus spreading out under an inversion, indicating prolonged cloudy weather and prolonged drizzling, often for several hours. Cirrus clouds, meanwhile, are those thin and wispy clouds that-”
Spike sat at the bottom of the library stairs, listening with numbed ears as Twilight paced around and talked. He couldn’t figure out quite when the conversation had morphed from the color of the sky to clouds and weather. That was just something Twilight could do. He dared not try interrupting her either, because as long as she was talking the purple mare wasn’t leaving the library and risking spoiling the celebration.
“While clouds forming lower in the atmosphere are composed of suspended water droplets too small to drop with gravity, clouds formed higher up are in fact composed of ice crystals. A newly-formed cloud’s genus is determined through observation of its air mass characteristics, such as stability and moisture content. Cloudsdale works to-”
Spike resisted bashing his face against the wall. The thought that all of this was for a good cause did not make it any easier to bear. Not at all. His thoughts went inside for protection. ‘Oh Celestia, Luna, anypony, send a letter to deliver me from this mass nerdery!’
No letter came. Spike resigned himself to this continuous lecture as Twilight shifted over to tornadoes without skipping a beat.
Zecora found Pinkie Pie sitting by the river’s edge, her head hanging low, watching her pet alligator Gummy splash around in the water. The zebra noticed the earth pony’s mane and coat her duller than normal, and so wandered over and set down the basket she carried in her mouth to speak. “Oh silly mare of vibrant hue, what now makes you sad and blue?”
Pinkie jumped an inch into the air and looked up at Zecora, the dark patches beneath her eyes telling the zebra she had been crying recently. “O-oh, hey Zecora. Nothing’s wrong, I just… I uh… felt like trying a new mascara while taking Gummy on a walk but it stung my eyes so I ducked my head into the water to wash it out so now my face is wet. Hehe.”
Zecora raised an eyebrow. None of that sounded like something the Pinkie Pie she knew would do. Especially the mascara part. This had to be serious then.
“Oh, Pinkie,” said Zecora as she sat down next to the pink mare, “Others you may be able to fool, but not me. I am your friend, so please tell, what makes you sit here in this dell?” Zecora punctuated her request with a smile.
Pinkie resisted a moment longer before caving in. With another sigh she flopped onto her belly, front hooves dipped into the river. “Yesterday was the Summer Sun Celebration, which of course we didn’t have to get ready for because the festivities were held in Trottingham this year, so it’d be silly to try to throw a big party here. But anyway, that doesn’t matter, because what does matter is today is the second anniversary of Twilight Sparkle coming to live here in Ponyville and making friends with me and Applejack and Rainbow Dash and Rarity and Fluttershy. So we all are trying to throw this big party for her, with Spike keeping busy while we get everything ready.”
Zecora nodded and spoke up. “Yes, I am aware of these activities. I have been preparing candies from my native land for the festivities.”
The mention of candy made Pinkie perk up some as she continued her tale. “So anyway, everything’s been getting me really super-duper-uber-excited! But I’ve just been getting so excited that it’s too excited and I can’t think whenever I think about it, so I kept doing really silly stuff at Sugarcube Corner that I wouldn’t normally do because I know better, and I keep causing Rainbow Dash and the others so much more work! I’m a bad filly!”
By the time she finished her story, Pinkie Pie had started wailing once more. Zecora sighed at this and shook her head, having figured it would be something like this. Bending down to her basket she drew out a handkerchief and offered it to the crying mare. “Dry your tears as I relieve your fears. This one will make things better, if you will let her.”
Still sniffling, Pinkie Pie took the offered handkerchief and dabbed at her cheeks with it, before blowing her nose. “Th-thanks, Zecora… how can you make it better?”
Zecora smiled. By reminding you that Twilight wouldn’t think you a bad filly. At worst she’d think you silly! Reflect on all the joy she’s brought us all, and how much better she has made our lives. Aren’t you a better pony now than you were two years ago?”
The riverside was silent a moment as Pinkie Pie thought and Zecora waited patiently for her reply. Soon enough a smile crossed Pinkie’s face. “She has made me a better mare, and taught me so much. Now I know never to judge a book by its cover, like I did when I was scared of you, Zecora.”
Zecora nodded. “Indeed. Go on.”
Pinkie scrunched her face up and stuck her tongue out in thought. “And… and she taught me not to jump to conclusions, but to think things through. And not to assume the worst of my friends if they do weird stuff like avoid my parties, and to know when I’m biting off more than I can chew, and that there are all kinds of friends that don’t always need to share in every little activity, and… and… hey, wait a minute! You didn’t rhyme those last few-”
Zecora stuffed her hoof in Pinkie’s mouth to silence her, scanned their surroundings to make sure nobody else was within earshot. Her heart thudded in her chest from her panic. “Yes I did!”
Rainbow Dash sat at the Sugarcube Corner counters, doing her level best to keep her left eye from twitching. She was going insane, she could feel it. So much had gone wacky it was incredible. But now, everything was going fine, finally. The bathtub had been hauled back upstairs, the foals had been put to bed, all the messes had been cleaned up and the decorations put back into place, and most importantly, Pinkie Pie was nowhere nearby to wacky things up any more. Now all they needed was for the last few treats to be baked and for Applejack to arrive with her cider, and they would be just fi-
Mrs. Cake came running in, a panicked look on her face. “Rainbow Dash, dearie, we’re out of carrots! We can’t finish making Twilight’s favorite cake without it!”
Trixie paused in loading the zap apples into the cider press with her hooves and looked around. “Did anyone else hear a scream filled with rage and despair at the cruelty of the world, or was that just Trixie?”
Big Mac grunted from where he ran on the treadmill powering the cider press. “Just keep on loading them zapp apples, Miss Trixie. Ah reckon Twilight down there’ll count herself in yer debt if’n ya save the celebration from ruin. Aint that right, Sis?”
Applejack paused in dumping her own barrel of apples into the cider press, her eyes darting around in what Trixie deemed a suspicious fashion. “Uh, yeah, for sure. Why, Ah reckon she’ll be so grateful, Twilight’ll accept yer challenge of magic duel first thing.”
Trixie elected to ignore the way the female earth pony’s mouth scrunched up after saying all this, and instead turned to her own thoughts. “Yes, of course… I see it now… Trixie will be the foal Twilight’s hero! Haha! Trixie likes this, she likes it a lot!”
She clapped her forehooves together and grinned, her horn lighting up as she grabbed another barrel of zap apples with magic, not precisely thinking as she did. “No time to waste!”
Applejack gasped. “Trixie, n-”
KA-BOOM.
Rainbow Dash ran through the Ponyville marketplace, her saddlebags at her sides with money, her mind focused on finding one particular stand among them all. The carrot shortage was no problem, no problem at all. Applejack was good friends with the main carrot supplier in town, and Rainbow Dash was good friends with Applejack. That made her and Golden Harvest good friends, right? Right, of course. All she had to do was get to the earth pony’s stand and buy carrots. All the carrots they could possibly need. Yes.
Turning a corner, Rainbow Dash spotted a stand with a cardboard carrot hung above it. That had to be it. The rainbow-maned pegasus allowed herself a moment of jubilation, until she drew closer to the stand and saw who was standing behind it. It was not the earth pony mare Rainbow Dash had been looking for.
“W-wait… Derpy? What are you doing here!?” Rainbow Dash looked left and right, hoping to see the right mare somewhere nearby. “Where’s Golden Harvest? I really need to buy some carrots! It’s an emergency!”
Across the stand from Rainbow Dash, Derpy Hooves smiled and focused her left eye on the blue pegasus, the right eye looking at something up and to the left. “Sorry Rainbow Dash, she’s at a refrigerator convention in up in Stalliongrad. Something about making her fridge drill-resistant or something.” The grey pegasus gasped. “Wait, I’m running the stand today! You can buy from me!”
Rainbow Dash considered for a moment seeing if any other stalls were selling carrots, before deciding that would take too long. Besides, she could trust Derpy not to try taking advantage of her desperation. With this in mind, she grabbed a bag of money from her saddlebag and placed them on the stand. “Okay, fine, whatever. I need a bushel of carrots, fast!”
Derpy grinned and stuck her head down somewhere out of Rainbow Dash’s sight. Her voice rose up from beneath the stand. “Okay Miss Dash!” She came back up holding a bunch of carrots in her mouth by the stems and dropped them on the table in front of Rainbow Dash. Next she turned to the cash register. Let’s see here, that’s five carrots, one bit to a carrot… or maybe two, for ten… gah… sorry, this new paper money they’re making is confusing… okay, I think I got it. That’s five total. Here, give me two tens for a five.”
Rainbow Dash did so. It wasn’t until she was putting the carrots into her saddlebag and turning to leave when the math caught up with her. “Hey, wait a minute!” She turned back to Derpy. “Just a minute!”
Derpy’s left eye wandered to the sky, while her right focused on Dash. “Is something wrong?”
“Yeah something’s wrong, you fast-talking little...” Dash put her bag of money back on the counter and dug out the five Derpy had given her. “Fifteen dollars just went south!”
“Now wait a-”
“I can’t believe that you pulled a fast one on me! With your wild talk of paper money and not knowing what you were doing and all!”
Derpy frowned, both eyes coming to focus on Dash. “Wait a minute, are you accusing me of cheating?”
The hurt tone in Derpy’s voice made Dash pause. She hadn’t meant to upset the mare. Derpy even looked about to cry, as far as Dash could tell, which was definitely something Dash didn’t want. “Oh, oh no, I just… you got two tens for five…”
The gold-eyed pegasus let out a grunt and dug into her cash register. “Fine, fine, I’ll give, but only because you’re my favorite customer. Here’s your five, give me back my two tens.”
Dash made it five feet from the carrot stand before the math caught up to her this time. Anger, both at Derpy and her own sudden stupidity, boiled inside of Dash, releasing itself in a scream. She stormed back over to the carrot stand, where Derpy stood looking far too innocent for any mare, and slammed her saddlebags onto the counter. “WHAT IS THIS!?”
Derpy flinched at the shout, which was good. Dash wanted to see her flinch, see her scared, see her panic! Panic was good, panic panic panic!
“R-Rainbow Dash, are you oka-”
“Quiet!” Rainbow Dash glared and giggled at the same time, left eye twitching as she grabbed money from both her bag and the cash register. “You’re not gonna pull a fast-not gonna trick-not gonna-here!” She threw two bills at Derpy and took one from the cash register. “Take two tens for my five! Hah! Hah hah hah!”
“Dash…”
Rainbow Dash did a little dance in place, not caring if she was drawing the attention of every pony at the market, or if Derpy was looking at her in concerned bewilderment, or if her saddlebags felt lighter than they should have.
“Hahahahaha! I did it! You did it to me, and I…” Rainbow Dash stopped dancing as she realized what she had just done. She stared at Derpy, feeling like her heart, or her brain, was breaking. “You did it again.”
“Dash, do you need a muffin?”
“…yeah, yeah I do.”
Spike sat in his chair at the desk in the library, resting his head in his hands and staring off into space. Across the length of the desk from him, Twilight Sparkle paced back and forth, eyes closed, her usual aura of intellectual superiority in full force as she went on about… Spike couldn’t even remember anymore.
“…electromagnetic action between two bodies without assuming the existence of forces capable…”
Oh yes, that was right. Spike groaned and slapped his cheek to keep from falling asleep. At a moment like this, when everyone else was counting on him, Spike thought that would be the worst thing possible to do. Plus it would be really embarrassing for Twilight.
“…to the action of the surrounding medium both the magnetic and the electric attractions and repulsions, and finding them to depend on the square of the distance, we are naturally led to inquire whether the attraction of gravitation, which follows the same law of the distance, in not also traceable…”
Spike struggled to keep his eyes open, but the image of Twilight pacing around before him kept getting fuzzier and fuzzier. He couldn’t do this. It was too much. It was…
“The square root of the hypotenuse then transfers to its double half, accelerating the rundown period-”
Spike blinked. His eyelids grew heavier every second. It was boring. So boring. So… so… boring… boring… boring… boring… boring… boring…
The screeching blast of a guitar sent Spike flying back in his seat, eyes widening at what he now saw around him.
The world had turned into a kaleidoscope of blinding colors, constantly shifting into mind-boggling geometric shapes that made his head spin. Spike flew through these psychedelic vistas, joy and confusion and wonder flowing through him. An ear-thudding rhythm of electric guitars, drums, and tractor engines drove into his brain, while geese flying ahead of him turned into tea cups and saucers and then back again.
Beyond a mountain range of verdant orange, Spike beheld three giant Rainbow Dashes, one on lead guitar, one on rhythm guitar, and the third wailing away on drums.
As the world beneath Spike turned to black and white clouds and a half-goose, half-bell thing floated past him, Spike found his inner thoughts rising to the surface, morphing to fit with the Rainbow Dash band.
“I’m so bored…
So very very bored!!!
I’d rather watch a bunch of cupcakes
Sing a merry song
And then go surfing on a door!”
The world blasted into hues of green and red. Spike watched what he had just described happen, and felt it wasn’t enough.
“It’s so dull
There’s nothing to sayyyyy!
I’d rather sugar-coat a leprechaun,
Feed him to a dog
And then go play some croquet!”
Spike spun and wailed in his misery and confusion at Twilight.
“WHERE DID HER FUNNY GOOOO?
HOW CAN THIS BEEEEEE?
DID CHANGELINGS SUCK OUT HER HUMOR
MAYBE THE LECTURE COULD WORK IF TOLD BY RAR-I-TY!”
At this moment the three Rainbow Dashes joined as Spike’s unexpected chorus, the whole top halves of their heads detaching when they opened their mouths.
~BORING!~
“This just isn’t that interesting!”
~BORING!~
“Where did it go wrong?”
~BORING!~
“I’m not even listening to Twilight now
I’m just singing this pointless song!”
The three Rainbow Dashes circled around Spike, causing him to look up at them and spin in place as the world turned into a white and grey tube.
~YOU’RE NOT MISSING THAT MUCH!
NOTHING HAPPENS!
SHE ACTS A LITTLE NER-DY,
AND SHE JUST TALKS SOME MORE
WITHOUT ANY JOKES PUT IN!~
~BORING!~
~BORING!~
~BORING!~
~BORING!~
~BORING!~
~BORING!~
~BOR-OR-OR-RING!~
Spike fell to his knees as a giant Pinkie Pie rose up before him, dressed in a black judge’s robe and white wig and hammering at the very earth itself with a mallet. “Order! Order! Order, I say! Spikey Wikey. For your crimes against humanity, I sentence you to…” bang of the mallet. “Listening to the rest of this lecture!”
Spike felt like crying. “But it’s just so boring! And besides, I don’t even know what humanity is!”
Pinkie Pie smirked and looked down at the baby dragon. “No, Spike, no. For if you do not finish listening to Twilight’s lecture, you will be forced to watch THIS!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSiinOHX0cE
Pinkie’s harsh laughter rang in Spike’s ears as he screamed and spun around to run away. The next moment he found himself on his back, looking at Twilight’s worried face. “Spike, are you okay? I was just getting into quadratic triangles when you screamed and fell out of your chair!”
Spike clambered to his feet and looked around to make sure everything was as it should be and that there were no lingering parts of his dream. He then looked back at Twilight as guilt for what he’d done, falling asleep while his friend lectured, filled him. “Um, I’m fine. I just, I uh…”
“Wait,” said Twilight, Spike flinching as her eyes narrowed. “Did you… did you fall asleep while I lectured?”
Spike hung his head and clasped his hands behind his back, unable to lie to his oldest friend. “Yeah…”
“Spike! That is so… so inconsiderate of you! I can’t believe you would do something like that! Disrespecting important information, after keeping me here all day with your question… gah!” The purple mare growled, stomped a hoof, and turned for the door. “I can’t stay here right now. I’m going to Sugarcube Corner for a cupcake, or a muffin, or something that’s not you!”
“No!” Spike looked at the clock in a panic, saw it wasn’t yet time for Twilight to go to Sugarcube Corner for her party, and then looked back at Twilight marching toward the door. He yelled again and dove forward, belly hitting the floor as he grabbed her by the tail. “No, you can’t go out!”
“Spike! Let go of me!” Twilight reared and whirled around, but Spike dug his claws in deep and held tight. She pulled at him with her magic, but he wouldn’t budge. He couldn’t let her go out and ruin the celebration before it started.
With another grunt the unicorn started for the door again, physically dragging Spike along the wood floor. “Let go!”
“No! I can’t let you leave yet!”
“Why?” Twilight stopped walking, turned around, and snapped at Spike. “Why can’t you let me leave, why do you NEED me to stay here? Tell me the truth!”
“I, I, uh…” Spike wracked his brain for something, anything he could tell her to keep her to stay. In the end, panicked as he was, he could think of only one surefire thing.
“Twilight,” said Spike, letting go of her tail, getting down on one knee, and taking one of her fore hooves in his hands. “I… I love you!”
Rarity nearly dropped the large punch bowl she held with her magic, set it on the Sugarcube Corner counter, and looked over at where Fluttershy was feeding the Cake twins. “Just now, did you hear a cry of pure joy and exultation?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “No. Was I supposed to? Oh, I’m sorry! I-”
Rarity quickly shook her head before the meek pegasus could continue. “No, no, it’s quite alright, Fluttershy! I’m sure I’m just hearing thing. The stress of the day getting to me and all.”
“I know what you mean.” Fluttershy cast the clock on the wall a worried glance. “Rainbow Dash should have been back by now.”
At just that moment, as if summoned by the mention of her, Rainbow Dash trotted in through the front door, humming a merry tune and her eyes closed in contentment. Rarity smiles and hurries to meet the rainbow-maned pegasus, taking note of the slightly vacant smile she’s wearing. “Rainbow Dash, there you are! What took you so long? Do you have the carrots?”
“Nope! But I’ve got something even better!” Rainbow Dash, eyes still closed and mouth still grinning, slipped off her saddlebags and tossed them to Rarity. The flaps opened when they hit the floor, causing Rarity to eek and stumble back as a dozen brown and orange pastries tumbled out. “I brought carrot muffins!”
Rarity and Fluttershy stared down at the muffins, mouths agape, and then shared a look. Rarity looked back at Rainbow Dash, a terrible suspicion forming in her mind. “Darling… it was Derpy running the stand today, wasn’t it?”
Rainbow Dash giggled and finally opened her eyes, revealing them to be pointing in opposite directions. “Yep!”
Fluttershy squeaked and fell to the floor in a faint. Rarity brought a hoof to her face and groaned. “That wall-eyed… okay, carrot muffins will do!”
Picking the muffins up with her magic, Rarity set them on a plate on a table. After that she poked her head into the kitchen to tell the Cakes there was no need to make the carrot cake anymore. When she looked back into the main area she found Rainbow Dash playing with one of Fluttershy’s wings, while the pink-maned pony lay on the floor shaking, giggling softly.
“Rainbow Dash! Stop that this instant, please!”
Rainbow Dash eeped and did as told, flopping onto her back and staring up at Rarity. Well, one eye stared at Rarity, the other stared at the stairs leading to the second story. “Sorry, I was just trying to get Flutters back up, and got kind of distracted with how fun it was!”
“S-sorry…”
Rarity eyed the two pegasi in front of her a moment longer, and then huffed and looked away. “ANYWAY, with the… carrot muffins, it appears that the only thing we are waiting for now is the cider from-”
Sugarcube Corner’s front door blew open, blue and purple smoke flooding the entrance as a blue unicorn Rarity instantly recognized strode in. “Stand in awe as the Great and Powerful Trixie brings to the formidable Twilight Sparkle her cider!”
Rarity thought the entrance would have been more impressive if Trixie were not covered in blotches of black soot, her gaudy star-studded hat and cape rent and burnt to blackened shadows of what they had once been. As it was, Rarity felt more inclined to laughter than awe.
“Consarnit Trixie, get outta the way!”
A looped rope flew out of the smoke behind Trixie, wrapped around her neck, and pulled her back into the smoke with nary a yelp from the blue unicorn. A second later Applejack stepped into view, pulling a wheelbarrow loaded with kegs of cider through the doorway. To Rarity’s dismay, the cowpony looked in almost as bad condition as Trixie.
“Don’t worry none, folks,” said Applejack with a weary smile, setting the cider kegs in the corner of the room, Trixie stomping sulkily back into the building through the dissipating smoke to help her. “We got the special cider all nice and ready… not much thanks to Trixie… how’s it been goin’ with y’all?”
Rarity looked around at the derpified Rainbow Dash, the still-trembling Fluttershy, and the unaccounted-for Pinkie Pie, and let out a sigh. “Oh, about as well as could be expected. With you here, I suppose that all we need now before Twilight’s arrival is Pinkie-”
Rarity wasn’t surprised when Pinkie Pie burst into the bakery in the music outfit she had worn to tame the parasprites. It would have been surprising if that hadn’t happened, to be honest.
“HELLO FRIENDS! AND TRIXIE! I AM PINKAMINA DIANE PIE, ELEMENT OF LAUGHTER, AND I WILL BE PROVIDING THE MUSIC FOR THIS CELEBRATION PARTY!”
Applejack looked at Rarity. “Well, there’s that. Now uh, it’s been a very hectic day. Ah, can’t remember, how do we tell Spike it’s time?”
Rarity opened her mouth to answer, and then stopped. She narrowed her eyes and looked around, eyeing each of the ponies surrounding her, every doorway, every window, making sure nothing looked ready to interrupt her. The others were all watching her attentively, perhaps even a little warily, except for Trixie, who seemed to be trying to get Pinkie’s attention. It didn’t look like anything was going to happen, at any rate.
“Now that we,” said Rarity, “are all here… as well as an unexpected addition… I am going… to send Spike… a letter…” She paused and looked around again, checking once more for any interruptions. Trixie was trying to argue with Pinkie about who was entertaining the party more, but the pink mare was just smiling and nodding along. Again, nothing seemed ready to interrupt her. “Send a letter… telling him… it’s time… to bring Twilight.”
Rarity turned to the closest pony, Fluttershy. “Darling, would you kindly go get me some ink, a quill, and a scro-”
A rolled-up scroll flew in through the open front door, over the heads of all the waiting ponies, and smacked Rarity in the face.
Silence in the bakery for a moment, as Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Trixie, and the Cakes waited for the ivory mare to blow up in a rage.
However, Rarity just stood there a moment, face frozen with a blank expression. Then her left eye twitched. Not uttering a single word, Rarity picked up the fallen scroll with her magic, unrolled it, and began to read it.
“Dear Everypony, thank you all so much for trying to throw me a party for my second year of living in Ponyville. What, you didn’t think I forgot the date, did you?”
Applejack groaned at this, while Rarity continued.
“However, we will have to put the party on hold. I have taken an impromptu vacation with Spike to Las Pegas. Expect us back in a few weeks after our honeymoon with awesome news. Also, ignore any and all letters sent by Spike. Bye!”
Silence once more filled Sugarcube Corner, broken only by the soft sound of Rarity atomizing the scroll inch by inch with her magic, left eye continuing to twitch.
Pinkie Pie spoke first. “So all of our time…”
Next came Applejack. “And all our hard work…”
Fluttershy. “And crazy experiences…”
Trixie growled. “Was completely wasted?!”
Rainbow Dash summed it up. “I just don’t know what went wrong!”
And then Twilight and Spike went on to have many half-dragon, half-unicorn babies, who eventually grew up and overthrew Canterlot. The end.