Rarityby Sneakyfox55ChaptersDecember 3rdWhy Would You Ever Kiss Me?I'm Not Even Half As PrettyDecember 3rdAuthor's Note beta read by my absolutely wonderful gf <333 December 3rd Rarity was a good friend. Like her Element suggested, she was generous. She was also caring, and supportive, and protective. And, maybe she could be a little bit oblivious, and just a smidgen insensitive, and just a tiny deal self-centered. But she wasn't a bad friend. Pinkie Pie knew this. She knew it well. Rarity had helped her on more than one occasion. Sown her dresses for parties, help taste-test punch for parties, design decorations for parties. She'd seen Rarity help dozens of ponies in town, bringing a smile to their face, a glint to their eye, a happy flush to their cheek. Most of all, Rarity was extremely pretty. Stallions and mares alike gawked at her, taking in her beauty like one gulps down water, or rays of sun. And she wouldn't settle for anything less than she deserved, so many lined up for her hoof at a chance to hold it in theirs. Pinkie always thought Rarity lucky, in that regard. Not! That Pinkie was the type to want that kind of thing; she was perfectly okay being the silly, nonsense party pony that no pony took a second glance at, much less seriously. That was all fine! She was here to make ponies laugh, not stop and stare at her! Honestly if anything she'd be extremely worried if they did. She didn't envy her friend for that. Rarity could have all the admirers she wanted. No, Rarity was lucky in that... . . . She. She just was. Lucky, that is. Pinkie… Couldn’t exactly know why, just yet. The reason why evaded her; and when she tried to think about it for more than a moment at a time, her thoughts would get all scrambled, and her stomach would feel kind of sick. She wondered if she should check herself into the doctor for that…? …No, she was too busy! She had her job at Sugarcube Corner to worry about! And besides, that feeling wasn’t really anything new, it just… Kind of… Maybe felt a bit worse and icky and bad compared to before. But it wasn’t so bad that she couldn’t ignore it, just like before, surely! It was kind of weird why it was happening though!! It always was, but usually her thoughts would only scramble and she’d feel sick to her stomach when she was visiting the library-turned-castle in the center of town. At first, she figured it must have been the architecture or something. Maybe crystal castles weren’t really her thing? …But then that didn’t make sense because she’d been absolutely fine at the Crystal Empire! Plus, she loved crystals and cool architecture!! No, that was not it. Then she wondered if it was because the castle was too big, too spacious; which also didn’t make sense, because Pinkie loved big and spacious things where she could gallop around to her heart’s content. That wasn’t it either. Soon, it hit her that it wasn’t the castle’s fault at all, but… * * * One evening, when she was working, as per usual, Twilight Sparkle had come in. And since Twilight was one of her very best friends, Pinkie had wanted to drop everything right then to go hang out, but dropping everything would mean dropping the tray of muffins she’d just pulled out of the oven. Still!!! Once she was free of the muffins Pinkie leaped right over the counter to meet Twilight, and momentarily she forgot all about her duties to her job. (As it so usually happened these days, when it came to Twilight Sparkle.) In return the lavender alicorn had taken a surprised step back from her, eyes stretching wide and wings fluttering outwards as a small yelp left her. “Pinkie—!” she all but gasped. “You startled me!” “Oopsie,” the party mare giggled. “Sorry, Twi! I’m just really happy to see you!” Twilight relaxed just as quickly, her wings settling back. “Likewise,” she replied with a smile. “Anyway, I was just wondering if…” Somewhere between the settling excitement of seeing her friend and the rush to greet her, Pinkie realized with a start something very random. Random to suddenly realize even for her. Twilight Sparkle was wearing a sweater. Pinkie Pie blinked. “…do you think?” “What?” Twilight rolled her eyes, but there was a glint of amusement in their violet depths. “You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?” Pinkie was honest. Sometimes even more so than the Element of Honesty herself. So she piped happily, “Nope!” A chuckle broke from Twilight, and Pinkie’s stomach fluttered. For some reason, she’d started feeling sick again even before then, like a minute ago, and the fluttering didn’t really help at all. Had she eaten breakfast this morning? She was sure she had… “Sorry!” Pinkie squeaked out, before clearing her throat. “I was just looking at your super duper cute sweater! Where’d you get it?” “Oh.” The lavender pony’s cheeks flushed a shade brighter, turning her fur more of a royal pink. (Pffft!) “I, um… It’s, actually pretty old,” she laughed sheepishly, “I’ve had it longer than I’ve been in Ponyville. But I really do quite like it, and it’s lasted me a while!” She spared a glance behind her at her own flank, and the worn piece of clothing. She winced. “…Well, clearly…” Pinkie snorted brightly, “Clearly, you’ve taken reeeeally good care of it! Is it really warm?” Twilight looked back at her, raising an incredulous brow. “Was Starswirl the Bearded the greatest spellcaster who ever lived?” “Uh…” Pinkie tapped her chin, pretending to think about it even though she knew the correct answer. “Yes?” she lied with a tilt of her head, if only to see her friend smile. Sure enough, Twilight’s lips upturned into a wide grin as she nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, most certainly! And the sweater’s pretty warm too!” She gave a light giggle, seemingly amused by her own joke, and this time Pinkie Pie’s stomach did an entire flip. Huh. “Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, can I repeat my question? Since you didn’t hear it the first time, I mean.” “Sure!” Pinkie mirrored Twilight’s nod from a few moments ago—anything to ignore the weird and wacky doings of her belly. “I’m definitely indefinitely listening now!” “Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to go on a walk through Ponyville,” Twilight went on, circling her hoof on the floor. “Um, because— Well, since you’ll be off work soon and we haven’t hung out one-on-one in a while. If you wanted to, of course. No pressure. I was just…” Pinkie Pie laughed. “You silly filly, of course I’d love to hang out with you tonight!” If anything it sounded like the perfect way to spend the rest of her evening. Just her and Twilight and the winter stars and… Instantly Twilight perked up, her face brightening. “Really? Great! Let’s—” She stopped herself, ears drooping a bit in embarrassment, “Oh, uh, you’re not off just yet, are you.” Pinkie laughed again, booping her friend in the muzzle. “Soon!” she reminded brightly. “Then we can have all the fun in the world! Okay maybe not all the fun in the world, we couldn’t do that just in one single night but…” She gasped. “OH! I know what we could do!” The alicorn smiled back. “What?” “You’ll see!” Pinkie booped her again, hoping her friend got the hint—and she did, Twilight Sparkle’s smile only growing as the party pony once again jumped back over the counter. It would be a surprise, of course. The two continuously chatted with each other up until Pinkie Pie clocked out, and Pinkie briefly disappeared to wish the Cakes a goodnight (and grab a coat). But, after that, she re-joined Twilight, and she bounced as she led the way from Sugarcube Corner all the way to the edge of Ponyville. Thankfully it wasn’t too long of a walk in the winter chill, but Pinkie did worry a bit about Twilight wearing only a sweater and nothing else. Did alicorns have a higher sensitivity to weather? The cold didn’t bother Pinkie very much herself—she just brought her coat because she knew Twilight would worry—but was that because she was an earth pony or because she was Pinkie? Why was this question occurring to her only now? She should probably ask, either way. “Hey Twi!” “Hm?” “Are you cold?” “What?” Twilight Sparkle blinked, as though blinking from a daze. “…Oh. Um, no, I’m fine. Why do you ask?” “Weeeell, I was just wondering since I’ve got a coat on but you’ve only got a sweater on, which might not make you as warm!” Pinkie Pie explained. “If not, I could give you my coat!” “H-huh?” The other mare’s eyes widened a bit, seemingly taken off-guard as she came to a sudden halt. “O-oh, no, that’s… It’s fine,” she laughed after a moment, shaking her head quickly. “I’d hate for you to freeze in return.” Just as quickly, Pinkie shook her head with a smile. “I won’t!” “Are you sure?” “Abso-posi-tiv-lutely!” Twilight huffed an amused snort, and her own smile returned a bit. “Well, maybe we could swap?” she suggested. “That way you’re at least a little covered.” Pinkie opened her mouth to explain that she didn’t really need to be covered and that she was just fine, but, then the words died on her tongue. Was… Was Twilight suggesting giving Pinkie her sweater? It shouldn’t have been surprising, considering the fact Pinkie had just offered to give her her coat. And it wasn’t surprising, Pinkie thought. Yet it felt like something in the same category. The kind of feeling you get when you get a really nice surprise, like a surprise party, or a surprise gift. The surprise mixed with the something else. It was that something else, but Pinkie couldn’t figure out the right name for it. It made her feel fluttery and happy and warm all over. “You don’t have to,” she attempted, anyhow, because as warm as the idea alone made her, Twilight deserved to be warm more than her. “I’m snug as a bug already!” Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes, in a good-natured manner, as usual when it came to Pinkie. “Yeah, uh-huh. Just give me your coat.” Flicking one of her ears, Pinkie Pie obliged, shrugging the fluffy material off her shoulders. She draped it over the other mare, expecting her to start slipping her hooves through the sleeves and putting it on around herself, but instead Twilight started to power up her horn, building up into a small flash of light that gently, briefly brightened the trees around them. A moment later, the light faded, sending the world back into almost-darkness. In its place, Pinkie felt something soft and warm over her hooves and flank; not unlike her own coat, but fuzzier. Scratchy, but in a pleasant way. Most of all it was warm. Likely made even more so by the lingering body heat Twilight had given it. At the idea, Pinkie’s face warmed, too. She stole a glance at her companion, finding Twilight to have put on her coat fully. The bubblegum pink of the coat atop the alicorn’s actual lavender-tinted coat complimented each other nicely, in Pinkie’s eyes—she was no fashionista (and the scarce moonlight didn’t give her much to work with), but it looked… “It looks better on you,” Twilight spoke up suddenly, a small grin to her muzzle as she gazed at the party mare in her sweater. That was a lie. Most certainly the boldest of lies. Pinkie beamed back. “My coat looks better on you!” That, however, was most certainly not a lie. The two carried on up the path on that note, a comfortable silence falling between them. “…On second thought, maybe I should give you your coat back,” Twilight murmured into the quiet after a time, a slight grimace in her voice. “The wing holes can’t be too comfortable for you…” Pinkie Pie laughed, full and warm. “It’s okay! I’ve worn things with holes before!” “That’s not what I…” “We’re here!” Sure enough, the pond was right where it had last been last left, though of course more frozen in nature. The ice glinted in the shallow moonlight like glittering sand on a chilled beach, appearing almost supernatural in its dreamlike glow. And since it wasn’t a cloudy night, the stars shone down from above to match, making up at least partially for the partial moon in the blue-black sky. When Pinkie looked, the stars reflected were in Twilight’s eyes. The lavender mare took in the sights like she’d never see them again, breathing in a deep breath, exhaling slowly in a cloud of white. It wasn’t snowing, not yet, but something could be said about there seeming to be white, shimmering flecks on her eyelashes. Pinkie watched her with her own baited breath. She wasn’t sure she wanted to breathe, in fear of this indeed being a dream, somehow. “You come here often, don’t you?” Twilight asked, suddenly. Not really a question. It was just to clarify. Pinkie hadn’t actually put much thought into the destination, come to think of it—after all, if she had, she would have come prepared with her ice skates! She just figured it was as best a spot as any to head for, especially since it was a spot she really enjoyed going to. She nodded. “Not as much in the winter. …Well, unless I have my skates. But sometimes I forget to bring them, so instead I build snow castles!” “Snow castles?” repeated the alicorn with a raised brow. Again, Pinkie nodded, more fervently this time. “They’re a lot easier than sand castles! And a lot prettier!” “Hm. I guess that’s true.” Twilight frowned in thought. “Can’t say I’ve ever tried my hoof at anything more than a snowpony, really.” … “Would you want to?” “What?” “Build a snow castle.” Twilight’s wings fluttered briefly from beneath Pinkie’s coat. “I… I can barely build a snowpony to begin with…” she managed, nearly sheepishly. “I can show you how!” Pinkie chimed. Her coat ruffled again on Twilight’s flank. “But…” Ah. Pinkie Pie took a step closer to her, brushing her muzzle to her friend’s cheek. Twilight’s startled, stilted breath felt hot on her neck. When Pinkie pulled away, she just smiled. It was gentle. “It’ll be fun! That’s all it’s meant to be, right?” Twilight nodded. It was hesitant. She lifted a hoof tentatively. She pawed at her cheek where Pinkie had nuzzled her, almost nervously. After a heartbeat she let her hoof fall back to the ground. Then, she nodded again. It was firmer. “Right. Right,” she said, setting her brows. “No…” She paused herself, from whatever she had been about to say. And a determined smile set in place across her muzzle. “Let’s do it!” As they rolled snow into constructional piles, Pinkie began regaling tales of her other times by this particular pond to the mare who joined her, stories of pranks and sunny days and even more fun. How one time Rainbow Dash was going to squirt Fluttershy with a fake duck, but Pinkie talked her out of it, only for Rainbow to find out Pinkie had pranked her instead. Another time, how Pinkie Pie dumped a bucket of water on Rainbow while she was trying to sunbathe, so Rainbow retaliated by dumping a bucket of sunscreen on Pinkie before she could go swimming in the pond. And yet another time when the two had simply decided to start something they called “The Great Splashing,” seeing who could create the biggest splash between them by jumping into the water. They both lost when Applejack decided to participate—which, of course, inevitably evolved into the three of them splashing each other just for the hay of it. All the while, Twilight Sparkle laughed and snorted while listening, as though she hadn’t heard all the stories before. As though she hadn’t witnessed a few herself. In some distant part of herself, Pinkie wondered about it, as she slapped two chunks of snow together. And she wondered if her friend ever got tired of listening to all the re-tellings of memories. …But then, if Twilight Sparkle had to get tired of that, she would have had to get tired of books, right? And Twilight never tired of books. Ever! … So it was a silly thought, Pinkie decided, as she formed arrow slits for her tower, and as she looked over at Twilight, who crafted an uneven wall, and who looked back with eyes that sparkled just like her namesake. When they finally had finished the castle—in not a very timely fashion at all, but, neither of them seemed to mind that anyway—it stood before them in all its lumped, imperfect glory, about as tall as a filly or colt. They both took in the sight of their work unassumingly, though Twilight more so, nervously sneaking a glance when Pinkie stared at it a bit too long. When Pinkie did look at her once more, the lavender mare was digging a dip in the snow at her hooves. “It’s…” she began. “…It’s certainly—” “Perfect.” At first, Twilight looked back at her like she had darn near lost her mind—but Pinkie was clapping her hooves together giddily, and beaming, and squealing, “I LOVE IT!” And Twilight Sparkle had no choice but to burst into a fit of giggles in return. Immediately, Pinkie Pie knew it was the best sound she had ever, ever heard. While her belly twisted and her heart threatened to soar out of her chest into the sky, she didn’t think it could have gotten any better, past that. She figured she would have to wait for the day she saw a sight almost as good as what her ears had witnessed, but, then… Then again. She was with the pony who had made that first one possible. And when Twilight’s wonderful giggles had faded, in its place was a smile. A genuine, happy upturned beam, with none of the usual sarcasm, or dryness, or teasing it might have ever had. In all that it was, it was simply, and only a smile. Pinkie Pie had seen a lot of smiles. A lot of them. That was a given when your talent was to make exactly that happen. … But Pinkie Pie had never wanted to kiss a smile. It was fair to say she’d seen many great smiles, from many great ponies. To Pinkie, all smiles were great smiles. By that logic, all smiles should be kissable. Yet they weren't She had never wanted to kiss a smile. . . . There was a first time for everything. Just like there was a first time for building snow castles, and wearing sweaters with wing holes. And, in that moment, for the very first time… Pinkie wanted to kiss a smile. A smile so modest, so perfect, so simple that it would have not looked better on any pony else. She wanted to kiss it, to kiss Twilight Sparkle, because she was modest and perfect and not at all simple. She wanted to kiss Twilight Sparkle. She wanted to! She wanted to. She wanted to… But she didn’t. Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?Author's Note FIRST UPDATE IN 2025 LET'S FECKING GOOOOOOOOOO beta read once again by my lovely girlfriend!!! :DDD here's the angst you all have been waiting for! (and by "you all" i of course mean me hehehe) Why Would You Ever Kiss Me? They went their separate ways after that. Pinkie walked Twilight back to the castle, and they swapped their clothes back, and they bid each other goodnight and Pinkie headed home. Long into the night she tossed and turned, a troubled frown gracing her muzzle; for as much as she had had fun, and it was always nice to spend time with one of her friends… This had felt much, much different than that. She remembered something Rarity had flippantly said, once, about knowing when you liked somepony. Pinkie didn’t know a lot about romance, or anything of that sort, really, so maybe she was just making it up and maybe she really was really sick (in more ways than one), but… Rarity had described it as wanting to kiss them. It was as simple as that, she’d said. Frankly, Pinkie was a bit surprised she remembered that to begin with—at the time they were at the spa and it was in a one-off conversation with somepony else who’d asked about it (Fluttershy, she was pretty sure?) and Pinkie had been busy trying to avoid the temptation of eating the cucumbers on her eyes—so, the fact she was thinking of it at all had to have meant… Something. She wasn’t sure exactly what, but something. And if that something was the case… And if she… . . . UGH! WHY was she thinking about this at three in the morning?! She had work tomorrow! And! Other things!! That didn’t involve obsessing over one of her best friends who she may or may not like as more than a friend!!! …Was she obsessing? Uh oh. How did she know if she was obsessing or not? At one point would it become CREEPY?!?! … Uh oh. . . . Twilight was rubbing off on her. Pinkie Pie sat up, spun around, yanked the pillow up to her face, and screamed into it. “Good morning, Pinkie!” “Mornin’ Pinkie!” Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Cake! …Was what she wanted to say. Instead, a barely discernible grumble left the sleep-deprived party pony and she grumpily stomped her way into the kitchen, grumbling further to herself as she got out the eggs. In her peripheral vision, the Cakes shared a concerned glance with each other. “Um, Pinkie, dear,” Cup Cake was first to speak, “is everything alright?” Pinkie huffed, cracking three eggs into a bowl. “Yep! Fine! Everything’s just peachy keen! I definitely slept!” Just above his breath, she heard Carrot Cake mumbled, “Ah, that would do it…” Pinkie had been told before by them that she could get rather… Moody, when she didn’t get her shut-eye. She hadn’t known what they were talking about, mainly because they felt safe enough to mention it the day after she got some rest, but… Hmm. Yeah, they had a point. In a rush, exhaustion seeped in in grumpiness’s place, and Pinkie’s ears drooped onto her head. She let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Mrs. and Mr. Cake. I don’t mean to act all Cranky Doodle Donkey on you guys! I just…” She bit her lip. “I couldn’t seem to sleep a wink last night! My brain was being all overthink-y and annoying and mean!” With an understanding nod, Cup trotted up the younger troubled mare, wrapping one foreleg around Pinkie’s shoulders while gently pushing away the bowl of egg yolks. “Here, hun,” she murmured, handing the bowl off to somepony else. “Why don’t we cook you breakfast, and you tell us all about it?” … Pinkie… Wasn’t sure why, but… Her eyes welled up. She nodded quickly, not being able to help a sniffle. “O-okay,” she all but whimpered, as Cup Cake pulled her into a hug. “And, that was when I…” Something like a rock lodged in her throat. She pawed at the table, swallowing. “I wanted to kiss her.” Her stomach tumbled. She quickly shoved a bite of scrambled egg into her snout, then fumbled for the glass of orange juice next to her plate, chugging both the food and drink down in hearty gulps. From next to her, Cup rubbed Pinkie’s back in soothing motions. It helped. A little. “Is that silly?” she asked, in barely more than a whisper. “What? No! No no no, not at all!” Cup Cake shook her head doubly, as though to doubly drive the point home. “To me, it sounds like… And I’d hate to overstep here, but it seems that—” “I’ve got the biggest crush on the most smartest most importantest most magicalest pony ever?” Pinkie Pie filled in for her, with nothing short of despair, setting her glass down in favor of groaning into her hooves. “Well—” “AND there’s NO way she’d EVER like me back, because!! BECAUSE!!!” She gestured flippantly at the air in front of her, not at all representative of what she was saying. “Because of exactly that!” “Um.” Carrot Cake tentatively spoke up from her other side, following her gaze to the nothing she gestured at. “Because of, what—?” In response Pinkie slammed her hooves onto the table, shaking the plates and glasses with it. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!” she cried. Once more, the Cakes shared a glance. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” Cup assured, giving one of her hooves a pat. Carrot nodded. “I think, what you’re going through right now is very normal. I remember when I got my first crush on somepony,” he mused, “all I could stress about was if they liked me back or not! I spent all of my days back then trying to change myself if it meant they would like me better. I changed my mane, I changed what I wore, hay, I even tried to dye my coat a different color!” He shook her head, a bit sadly, “But eventually, I realized that if even I didn’t like myself, enough that I thought it best to change everything about me… Then it probably wasn’t worth it at all.” Pinkie stared at him in mounting horror, to the point where Cup quickly interjected, “What my husband means to say, is that you have to find the right pony for you! It’s never a good thing to change who you are to make somepony like you, and if you’re not comfortable in your own coat to begin with, that’s something you should work out before you try to start a relationship. All of that to say,” she went on, “Twilight loves you for who you are! It’s not a stretch to say she might like you back! Especially since she gave you her sweater,” she winked, pinking Pinkie’s cheeks. “So don’t write yourself off so soon, ya hear?” Carrot added, just as warm, as he affectionately shook Pinkie’s shoulder. If nothing else, it caused a short laugh to slip out of her. They were right. Pinkie Pie didn’t like herself. * After breakfast, she tried to get back to her usual routine. Of course, it resulted in her burning every single item she happened to throw into the oven, much to her growing impatience and embarrassment. Which she didn’t feel a lot! Everything felt new and sudden and surprising and for once not in a good way. Maybe? Was it really her fault when all she could think about was the night before, and what it meant, and what it meant when Twilight gave her her sweater? Should she ask Rarity about that? Would it be awkward to ask Rarity, since she was friends with them both and might feel weird about it? Pinkie Pie ground her teeth together at these thoughts, which she knew wasn’t a good habit, but it was a habit nonetheless and she didn’t want to have to think about getting rid of one thing when she might have to get rid of another already! Wasn’t that just it? Shouldn’t she try to get rid of it? Shouldn’t she just… Forget about it, never let these feelings reach the second surface, bury them deep, deep back down, hopefully into another dimension? Or… Or, was she overthinking that too? Was it okay? Did Twilight feel the s… . . . And would it be okay if she didn’t? There she went, being Twilight again! (Although, if she could be more Twilight Sparkle than Pinkie Pie, then…) That’s it! She was going to talk to Rarity about this and she was going to get a reasonable answer from a reasonable pony and she was going to kiss… . . . Well. Maybe not that… Last part. It just depended! On! Things! It was a nice thought though! Yup! Humming to herself, she closed the door to Sugarcube Corner behind her, and began to trot for Carousel Boutique. Just one hoof in front of the other. Just one hoof, then another. She could do this! She could… Oh, there Rarity was! …Heading out of Carousel Boutique in a scarf? Pinkie paused, about to wave. That was… Oh. Pinkie lowered her hoof. Twilight was waiting for Rarity. Wearing the same sweater. Pinkie Pie shifted on her hooves uncomfortably. Should she…? She took another step. Twilight was laughing at something Rarity had said. Pinkie watched her ignite her horn, a magenta glow placing itself around Rarity’s scarf, untying it from her neck. Twilight levitated it to her own neck, wrapping it around herself. Then she reignited her horn again. Her sweater disappeared. It reappeared nearby. Pinkie Pie blinked. It reappeared on Rarity. Oh. The heather mauve hue of the sweater blended nicely with her snow-white coat, in Pinkie’s eyes. Much nicer than it had with her own. Rarity said something. Twilight Sparkle laughed. Twilight Sparkle said something. Rarity laughed. Oh. Pinkie Pie turned around. “Pinkie?” She heard Twilight Sparkle call after her. Pinkie Pie walked away. I'm Not Even Half As PrettyAuthor's Note Content Warnings: Self-hatred beta read by my terrific gf x 3!!! I'm Not Even Half As Pretty By the time she made it back to Sugarcube Corner, her mane hung limp around her shoulders, half-deflated. She didn’t have the heart to reinflate it to its full, let alone the energy; even if the Cakes couldn’t help but ask her if everything was alright as a result. She hadn’t known how to answer them. If she said things weren’t, and that she felt sicker than sick and sadder than sad, they’d ask why. And she didn’t know why. She tried replaying the events that had happened over and over in her head. She really did try! It was a constant loop, even if she wasn’t trying. She searched for answers in her own mind but they faded into obscurity. She didn’t know why her heart ached so much. She didn’t know. She didn’t know. All she knew, was that… Rarity was lucky. * She called in sick for work. (As in called downstairs that she was sick.) So, that was that. All that was left to do was to mope in bed. At least Gummy was there to keep her company. His constant chewing on her mane helped. Honestly, she should just ask somepony else what’s wrong with her again. The Cakes had known before, and now that she couldn’t work, they had come up to check on her every so often, bringing her soup and the like. She could ask them. They had known before. They were right there, she just had to ask for more soup. … But… She didn’t want more soup. …Heh. That was an excuse if she’d ever heard herself come up with one! She could always shove extra soup in the drawer for later. (In the drawer because if she stored it under the bed then Gummy would probably get to it.) No, she didn’t really want to talk to anypony about this. Anypony that it wouldn’t bother otherwise. If she said nothing, then it was her problem, and her problem only—as far as the rest of the world went, it didn’t exist. To the rest of the world, maybe, for just a precious moment, she wouldn’t exist. … The only pony she really wanted to talk to about anything, was Twilight. Which… . . . Twilight was the smartest cookie ever. She knew everything about everything! It might not be so out there to ask her… And, Twilight always had been keen on figuring out what made Pinkie tick, so, she probably wouldn’t mind if… Before she knew it, Pinkie Pie was at the Castle of Friendship’s door. Huh. She must have taken one of her many shortcuts unconsciously while mid-internal monologue. Almost without thinking, even further, her hoof hovered in front of her like it had a mind of its own. An odd feeling struck her, right then, threatening to deflate her mane even further, and she had to suppress a sudden laugh out of habit. This! Was a stupid idea! The stupidest, most brainless, most silliest idea she’d ever, ever had! And that was saying a lot. But, what else was new, really?! Haha! Ha! Ha… … She should have really just gone home, at that point. Her body was being silly, taking her places only her insides wanted to be. At least one of her insides. Not her brain. Her brain wanted to be anywhere but there. …Wait. What if, what if Twilight wasn’t even home to begin with? Because… Because Rarity. Now she really should go— The castle doors creaked open, loudly, and the insides of her that had initially wanted to be there (I.E. her heart) dropped to her stomach. She panicked for all of two seconds until… “Uh. Pinkie Pie?” …It was just Spike. He gave her a once-over, looking somewhat suspicious—and a bit concerned. “Noticed you… Out here,” he said, somewhat awkwardly. “Did you need to talk to Twilight? ‘Cause uh, she’s not here right now.” He managed a friendly smile, “But you’re welcome to come inside anyway if you want! There’s some hot cocoa somewhere around that I could…” Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa did sound good right about then… Pinkie nodded her head, much more enthusiastically than she had felt the entire day. “Hot cocoa sounds reaaaaallly nice! If it’s not too much trouble!” “Nope! Come on in!” Spike stepped aside, waving her in, and she trotted up the steps into the inviting warmth of the castle. She hadn’t even realized how cold it had been outside, now that the toasty air greeted her. It felt nice. Inviting. When nothing else seemed to right then. “I’ll be right back!” Spike’s voice from right behind startled her a bit. “Make yourself at home!” he added over his shoulder, giving her a little wave before speeding off towards the castle’s kitchen. She smiled at she watched him go, but it faded the second he disappeared from sight. It had felt more hollow than anything. She glanced around. For a moment that lasted no longer than three seconds. The interior didn’t interest her all that much; though, there were two cushioned chairs nearby, next to a fireplace and some bookshelves. She walked over and sat her rump in one of them, letting herself mindlessly drift a bit. Her eyes settled on the fireplace itself, lit with a cozy glow of warm flames. Her thoughts swam, and burned, and mingled with each other as she gazed into the fire. The orange and red colors, normally so vibrant to her, seemed dull, somehow. It was… Funny. How one different mindset could change everything in its wake. How easily one could change their view about the world, and about themselves, all because of a silly little thing they saw. The world seemed colder than it did. Darker. More bitter, like dark chocolate after you put it in the freezer. She was not sure why you’d put chocolate in the freezer, not to mention dark chocolate, but she felt like dark chocolate thrown into a freezer haphazardly. All cold and dark and bitter and… Able to be broke in two. If you used the right amount of force. Clawsteps clacked on the polished floor nearby, and Pinkie quickly rubbed at her eyes, before turning her gaze. “Thank you,” she said with another hollow smile, as Spike handed her a mug. It was a plain purple one. Brown liquid was inside, with dozens of little marshmallows floating on the surface. She had half the mind to down it right then and there and take the risk of a burnt throat, but— “It’s really hot right now, so be careful,” the small dragon warned, setting a mug of his own down on the coffee table that separated the two chairs. He hopped onto said other chair, across from her. “I gave you extra marshmallows, just the way you like it!” . . . Tears flew to her eyes faster than she could help it, and as her mane collapsed the rest of the way, a single sob wracked Pinkie Pie. The reaction was almost instantaneous. A cushioned shuffling sound and then claws hurrying across the floor once more, before a one-armed embrace quickly surrounded her—briefly, as she felt Spike take her mug and set it down for her. She would have thanked him for that. She should have, but instead, when he hugged her with both arms now, she just… Couldn’t. And she didn’t even know why. She didn’t know why she was crying like this. What was happening to her brain, why she felt this way, why she was even here to begin with. She should have gone home. She should, she should, she should. Yet She hugged Spike back, crushing the dragon to her chest with her hooves. She wept into her little friend’s scales as if she’d known him a lifetime. As if she was allowed to. As if she was allowed to cry at all. Pinkie Pie wasn’t supposed to cry. Never her. Never, ever her. The thought sobered her up. Just enough. Barely, but enough. Her shaking stopped. Her sobs died down. All the while, neither of them said a word. Spike only soothingly stroked the dead hairs on the top of her head, tentatively, hesitantly, but all the same. She was grateful for that. She didn’t want to hear everything was alright, or that it was okay, or that she was okay for letting herself break like a dark chocolate candy bar.All lies. Well-intentioned lies, but lies all the same. Pinkie let out a single breath, it stuttering through her lips. After some time, Spike pulled away, only so he could look at her. “Are you…” He winced, as though figuring that was a bad question to ask right then. His eyebrows were furrowed with a deep, deep worry, and she swore she saw sweat beading above his forehead. It made sense. It wasn’t everyday Pinkie Pie was having a breakdown in front of him. “D-did something happen?” he managed, nervously. “Was there an accident in Sugarcube Corner? Did somepony die?? Did the apocalypse happen???” His eyes blew wide open, as the idea of it further hit him. “Oh dear Celestia, Twilight and Rarity are still out—!” Rarity. Pinkie wanted to recoil. But, she quickly shook her head, a sadder smile taking up her snout as she gently patted the top of his head to calm him. “Oh, no, nothing like that. Everything’s fine!” Once again, her smile faded. And despite the assurance, Spike’s expression of concern didn’t falter in the slightest—in fact, it only hardened, looking a bit more desperate than ever before. Some warmth flickered in her at his concern for her, for just a moment. She wasn’t sure what to say. Should she even say anything at all? “I’m… Really, it, e-everything should, be fine,” she laughed. “I don’t know what isn’t fine! Or why it can’t be fine, i-if, if there’s anything wrong! I don’t know why that wrong something can’t be a right something! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” Tears started to well in her eyes again, but she slapped a hoof to them, much like an invisible cupcake to the eye. It hurt. It felt somewhat better than the hurt inside her chest. She lowered her hooves, meekly meeting her dragon friend’s anxious eyes. And then it hit her. A realization, of sorts. Something that might help bridge her words into something he would understand. (Not that he wouldn’t understand regardless, maybe, but…) But, there was that name again. … If it somehow did stem from her; this dull, aching feeling that made the world go gray all around… Pinkie wanted to get an idea as to why. She didn’t want R… Her to be the reason. It sounded awful, but… Like it might be true. That wasn’t any good at all. They were all friends. If she suddenly didn’t like one of those friends so much anymore, then… . . . “Spike,” she began. “You like Rar…” Rarity. Rarity. You like Rarity, don't you? “…You like Rarity, don’t you?” It wasn’t so much the name anymore. It was the image of her, in Pinkie’s mind, once she associated it with the name. In any case, Spike’s frown turned into a sudden scowl, as he stepped back from her. “Didn’t you Pinkie Promise not to—” “YES!” she nearly screeched, making him flinch. “I would NEVER break a Pinkie Promise!” What a thing for him to even consider! … …Although, to be fair, she wasn’t given him much room to work with. Of course he’d think of the worst possible scenario in a situation like this. “Sorry, um, I just… I wouldn’t,” she said, a bit sheepishly. Spike looked just as sheepish. “Right. Sorry.” He didn’t meet your gaze. “Just thought you were gonna say you… Told her, or something. I dunno.” Again, Pinkie shook her head. “I would never. I would rather die before I did something like that and lose our friendship!” Spike nodded. A small grin crossed his face, just briefly. “I trust you! So, uh, what were you gonna say?” Oh. Yeah. That. Pinkie fidgeted. “So, when you… You know!” No. He didn’t know, Pinkie. “When you! Look at… Her! What’s it like?” Spike blinked. “Uhhhh…” “Does it ever feel like you’re the only two ponies in the world, and that everything’s a dream that you never want to wake up from?” He opened his mouth, but Pinkie wasn’t finished. “Or is it, you feel like you’re on the biggest sugar high of your life because, because she just makes you feel so happy and wonderful and nice but then when she leaves it’s like the high’s over and now you’re crashing and everything else seems kind of boring in comparison and you feel sick in both cases but they’re different?” “Pinkie,” Spike said. “A-and,” Pinkie nudged her hooves together, nervously, “what’s it like when you see her with somepony else? Is it a whole other kind of new sick? Does it make everything else bad? Does it make the world dark and dull? Does it make you want to—” “Is this about Twilight?” “—cry for the rest of forever and— Huh?” “Is this about Twilight?” Spike asked, again. What? “Who’s that?” Pinkie squeaked. His eyebrows shot down as he narrowed his eyes at her, giving her a flat Really? look. She gulped. “Oh! Y-you’re talking about Twilight Sparkle!” she giggled. “YEEEEEP, now her I know!” He rolled his eyes. “You like Twilight Sparkle, don’t you?” Oh. … . . . Was… She really that obvious? She couldn’t be. Right? “I mean,” Spike gestured a claw at her. “You literally just described what it’s like to like somepony. And I’ve seen the way you look at her.” “You have?” Pinkie swallowed. “Well, duh!” He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You’re Pinkie Pie! You’re the most like an open book than, like, anypony else!” “Really?” She tapped her chin. “I thought Twilight would be more like a book. ‘Cause, y’know,” she snorted, “she lives and breathes them.” “Actually…” Spike rolled his eyes. “She’s not much better. She’s super easy to read too. In fact, speaking of you she—…” For some he cut himself off right then, eyes widening a bit. “UHHHHHH nevermind! Forget I said anything!” Pinkie blinked. Then she smiled, even if still, her heart wasn’t in it. “Okie dokie Loki! Anyway,” she hesitated, glancing to the side. “Can I… Ask you another thing?” Spike nodded, a bit too quickly. “Sure!!” “You mentioned Twilight and Rarity earlier, how they’re… Together.” Together. Together. Celestia, it put such a sour taste in her mouth. “And you said, um, that you can read Twilight really well?” He nodded again, looking uneasy. “Is there— Do you think…” No. No crying. No. Crying. She swallowed again. “D-do you think Twilight likes Rarity?” She shut her eyes, as though to delay the inevitable answer she’d get. But then, she only heard laughter. A bit bewildered, Pinkie Pie slid her eyes open, staring at the guffawing dragon in confusion. “What’s so funny?” she asked, glancing around for the cause, ears flicking every which way. Spike only laughed harder. “R— You, y-you think, Twilight—” He broke off into a snort, then even more snickers, “Tw-Twilight, liking, Rarity?!” The longer he went on, the more lost Pinkie felt. Even a little upset made her ears flatten, and a deep frown graced her muzzle. “That's not very nice, Spike! I mean, why not? Twilight’s super pretty! And so is Rarity! I know they say opposites attract and all, but…” “No, no no it’s not that it’s—” Spike wiped a tear from his eye, wheezing. “It’s just—! I mean, well first of all,” he seemed to sober up a bit, expression flattening, “I’d kill Twilight if that was the case. Second of all…” The mirth returned to him, “Trust me, I’d know if she liked Rarity that way. And she doesn’t.” … That… No. That couldn’t be right. “But she… She gave Rarity her sweater!” Pinkie blurted. Spike’s face furrowed a bit, as he seemed to think it over. “…Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that much,” he hummed after a moment. “But really, Twilight’s just nice—and weird—like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave her sweater to a stranger. She probably didn’t mean anything romantic by it.” Somehow, that only made Pinkie feel worse. Everything in her felt like it was drooping, as she mumbled, “Yeah. You’re probably right.” Spike’s face fell, as he saw her own fallen face. “What?” Instead of responding Pinkie glanced away. Her eyes found the mug. She snatched it up, and downed it in one fluid gulp. Then, she rose to her hooves. “Thanks for the hot cocoa,” she murmured. Her dragon friend looked at her with the strangest look, that she couldn’t begin to decipher. (Not that she felt particularly up to deciphering anything else today. She just wanted to go home and sleep forever.) “I should probably get going now.” She turned for the door. Spike joined her, following behind slowly as she trudged along. When she opened the door to step out, Spike nudged her shoulder from behind. “Hey, um… Want me to tell Twilight you were here?” he asked. “I mean, you never did get to talk to her. You probably wanted to…” She was still out with Rarity. It didn’t really matter anyhow. Pinkie just smiled at him. “It’s okay! Maybe I’ll catch her another day,” she lied. As if she would try again another day. She didn’t think Applejack would be happy with her if she knew the amount of lies she was telling lately. (Then again, Applejack never had to know to begin with.) She trotted back out into the cold. The door creaked behind her, and she looked back to see Spike leaning on it, watching her with big, worried eyes. “You know, you don’t have to leave, you could spend the night and—” Pinkie reinflated her mane. “No thanks! Maybe another time!!” she giggled, waving brightly at him. “Bye-bye, Spikey Wikey!” He managed a smile in return. It seemed good enough. “Bye Pinkie! Make sure to stay warm!” She nodded, giving him another wave, before bouncing off. And that was that. As soon as she heard the doors close shut in the distance, she stopped bouncing. What little motivation she had left drained entirely. Her mane gave out instantly. The sky grew darker ahead her while she headed for Sugarcube Corner once more. Snow started to fall from clouds above. Thankfully, no pony was around to question the discoloration in the mare’s appearance. Not like she’d be able to come up with a solid excuse anyway. There was no point. No use. Spike had only confirmed her fears. Twilight liked Rarity more. The sweater was proof of that. It didn’t mean anything when given to her. Twilight never had liked her in that way. But it had to have meant something when given to Rarity. It was different. Rarity was different. But of course. But, of course. But of course. But of course! Rarity. It was Rarity. It was Rarity. It made tons of sense. So much sense that… That Twilight would like her. Pinkie Pie didn’t hate Rarity. Not even a little bit. She loved Rarity very much. But, right now… She wanted nothing more than to invite her to a fake party. A party that wasn’t even going to happen! The worst part? She didn’t feel guilty for it. Not one. Little. Bit. … Until that night, anyway. The instant she let her head hit the pillow of her bed that night, it was like the distaste for Rarity drained out of her. And it was distaste, to a point, she realized. She wasn’t sure when it had become that. It didn’t help that she now knew why there were ill feelings at all. Then the guilt soared through her like a rain cloud. A horrible, nasty rain cloud—a rain cloud that wasn’t ideal, but that was deserved all the same. … She didn’t hate Rarity. Kind of. Sort of. Maybe. …Maybe a little. Maybe a lot. She didn't really know. She didn't really know anything, apparently. But she knew she was ugly. She knew she was ugly for it. All of it. Especially if she hated Rarity. She wasn’t even half as pretty. Of course Twilight liked Rarity. Of course. Rarity was beautiful. That was why Pinkie might have hated her. . . . And because she might have hated Rarity, she hated herself, too. … Well. At least there was that. That, at least, gave her some semblance of relief.
December 3rdAuthor's Note beta read by my absolutely wonderful gf <333 December 3rd Rarity was a good friend. Like her Element suggested, she was generous. She was also caring, and supportive, and protective. And, maybe she could be a little bit oblivious, and just a smidgen insensitive, and just a tiny deal self-centered. But she wasn't a bad friend. Pinkie Pie knew this. She knew it well. Rarity had helped her on more than one occasion. Sown her dresses for parties, help taste-test punch for parties, design decorations for parties. She'd seen Rarity help dozens of ponies in town, bringing a smile to their face, a glint to their eye, a happy flush to their cheek. Most of all, Rarity was extremely pretty. Stallions and mares alike gawked at her, taking in her beauty like one gulps down water, or rays of sun. And she wouldn't settle for anything less than she deserved, so many lined up for her hoof at a chance to hold it in theirs. Pinkie always thought Rarity lucky, in that regard. Not! That Pinkie was the type to want that kind of thing; she was perfectly okay being the silly, nonsense party pony that no pony took a second glance at, much less seriously. That was all fine! She was here to make ponies laugh, not stop and stare at her! Honestly if anything she'd be extremely worried if they did. She didn't envy her friend for that. Rarity could have all the admirers she wanted. No, Rarity was lucky in that... . . . She. She just was. Lucky, that is. Pinkie… Couldn’t exactly know why, just yet. The reason why evaded her; and when she tried to think about it for more than a moment at a time, her thoughts would get all scrambled, and her stomach would feel kind of sick. She wondered if she should check herself into the doctor for that…? …No, she was too busy! She had her job at Sugarcube Corner to worry about! And besides, that feeling wasn’t really anything new, it just… Kind of… Maybe felt a bit worse and icky and bad compared to before. But it wasn’t so bad that she couldn’t ignore it, just like before, surely! It was kind of weird why it was happening though!! It always was, but usually her thoughts would only scramble and she’d feel sick to her stomach when she was visiting the library-turned-castle in the center of town. At first, she figured it must have been the architecture or something. Maybe crystal castles weren’t really her thing? …But then that didn’t make sense because she’d been absolutely fine at the Crystal Empire! Plus, she loved crystals and cool architecture!! No, that was not it. Then she wondered if it was because the castle was too big, too spacious; which also didn’t make sense, because Pinkie loved big and spacious things where she could gallop around to her heart’s content. That wasn’t it either. Soon, it hit her that it wasn’t the castle’s fault at all, but… * * * One evening, when she was working, as per usual, Twilight Sparkle had come in. And since Twilight was one of her very best friends, Pinkie had wanted to drop everything right then to go hang out, but dropping everything would mean dropping the tray of muffins she’d just pulled out of the oven. Still!!! Once she was free of the muffins Pinkie leaped right over the counter to meet Twilight, and momentarily she forgot all about her duties to her job. (As it so usually happened these days, when it came to Twilight Sparkle.) In return the lavender alicorn had taken a surprised step back from her, eyes stretching wide and wings fluttering outwards as a small yelp left her. “Pinkie—!” she all but gasped. “You startled me!” “Oopsie,” the party mare giggled. “Sorry, Twi! I’m just really happy to see you!” Twilight relaxed just as quickly, her wings settling back. “Likewise,” she replied with a smile. “Anyway, I was just wondering if…” Somewhere between the settling excitement of seeing her friend and the rush to greet her, Pinkie realized with a start something very random. Random to suddenly realize even for her. Twilight Sparkle was wearing a sweater. Pinkie Pie blinked. “…do you think?” “What?” Twilight rolled her eyes, but there was a glint of amusement in their violet depths. “You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?” Pinkie was honest. Sometimes even more so than the Element of Honesty herself. So she piped happily, “Nope!” A chuckle broke from Twilight, and Pinkie’s stomach fluttered. For some reason, she’d started feeling sick again even before then, like a minute ago, and the fluttering didn’t really help at all. Had she eaten breakfast this morning? She was sure she had… “Sorry!” Pinkie squeaked out, before clearing her throat. “I was just looking at your super duper cute sweater! Where’d you get it?” “Oh.” The lavender pony’s cheeks flushed a shade brighter, turning her fur more of a royal pink. (Pffft!) “I, um… It’s, actually pretty old,” she laughed sheepishly, “I’ve had it longer than I’ve been in Ponyville. But I really do quite like it, and it’s lasted me a while!” She spared a glance behind her at her own flank, and the worn piece of clothing. She winced. “…Well, clearly…” Pinkie snorted brightly, “Clearly, you’ve taken reeeeally good care of it! Is it really warm?” Twilight looked back at her, raising an incredulous brow. “Was Starswirl the Bearded the greatest spellcaster who ever lived?” “Uh…” Pinkie tapped her chin, pretending to think about it even though she knew the correct answer. “Yes?” she lied with a tilt of her head, if only to see her friend smile. Sure enough, Twilight’s lips upturned into a wide grin as she nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, most certainly! And the sweater’s pretty warm too!” She gave a light giggle, seemingly amused by her own joke, and this time Pinkie Pie’s stomach did an entire flip. Huh. “Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, can I repeat my question? Since you didn’t hear it the first time, I mean.” “Sure!” Pinkie mirrored Twilight’s nod from a few moments ago—anything to ignore the weird and wacky doings of her belly. “I’m definitely indefinitely listening now!” “Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to go on a walk through Ponyville,” Twilight went on, circling her hoof on the floor. “Um, because— Well, since you’ll be off work soon and we haven’t hung out one-on-one in a while. If you wanted to, of course. No pressure. I was just…” Pinkie Pie laughed. “You silly filly, of course I’d love to hang out with you tonight!” If anything it sounded like the perfect way to spend the rest of her evening. Just her and Twilight and the winter stars and… Instantly Twilight perked up, her face brightening. “Really? Great! Let’s—” She stopped herself, ears drooping a bit in embarrassment, “Oh, uh, you’re not off just yet, are you.” Pinkie laughed again, booping her friend in the muzzle. “Soon!” she reminded brightly. “Then we can have all the fun in the world! Okay maybe not all the fun in the world, we couldn’t do that just in one single night but…” She gasped. “OH! I know what we could do!” The alicorn smiled back. “What?” “You’ll see!” Pinkie booped her again, hoping her friend got the hint—and she did, Twilight Sparkle’s smile only growing as the party pony once again jumped back over the counter. It would be a surprise, of course. The two continuously chatted with each other up until Pinkie Pie clocked out, and Pinkie briefly disappeared to wish the Cakes a goodnight (and grab a coat). But, after that, she re-joined Twilight, and she bounced as she led the way from Sugarcube Corner all the way to the edge of Ponyville. Thankfully it wasn’t too long of a walk in the winter chill, but Pinkie did worry a bit about Twilight wearing only a sweater and nothing else. Did alicorns have a higher sensitivity to weather? The cold didn’t bother Pinkie very much herself—she just brought her coat because she knew Twilight would worry—but was that because she was an earth pony or because she was Pinkie? Why was this question occurring to her only now? She should probably ask, either way. “Hey Twi!” “Hm?” “Are you cold?” “What?” Twilight Sparkle blinked, as though blinking from a daze. “…Oh. Um, no, I’m fine. Why do you ask?” “Weeeell, I was just wondering since I’ve got a coat on but you’ve only got a sweater on, which might not make you as warm!” Pinkie Pie explained. “If not, I could give you my coat!” “H-huh?” The other mare’s eyes widened a bit, seemingly taken off-guard as she came to a sudden halt. “O-oh, no, that’s… It’s fine,” she laughed after a moment, shaking her head quickly. “I’d hate for you to freeze in return.” Just as quickly, Pinkie shook her head with a smile. “I won’t!” “Are you sure?” “Abso-posi-tiv-lutely!” Twilight huffed an amused snort, and her own smile returned a bit. “Well, maybe we could swap?” she suggested. “That way you’re at least a little covered.” Pinkie opened her mouth to explain that she didn’t really need to be covered and that she was just fine, but, then the words died on her tongue. Was… Was Twilight suggesting giving Pinkie her sweater? It shouldn’t have been surprising, considering the fact Pinkie had just offered to give her her coat. And it wasn’t surprising, Pinkie thought. Yet it felt like something in the same category. The kind of feeling you get when you get a really nice surprise, like a surprise party, or a surprise gift. The surprise mixed with the something else. It was that something else, but Pinkie couldn’t figure out the right name for it. It made her feel fluttery and happy and warm all over. “You don’t have to,” she attempted, anyhow, because as warm as the idea alone made her, Twilight deserved to be warm more than her. “I’m snug as a bug already!” Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes, in a good-natured manner, as usual when it came to Pinkie. “Yeah, uh-huh. Just give me your coat.” Flicking one of her ears, Pinkie Pie obliged, shrugging the fluffy material off her shoulders. She draped it over the other mare, expecting her to start slipping her hooves through the sleeves and putting it on around herself, but instead Twilight started to power up her horn, building up into a small flash of light that gently, briefly brightened the trees around them. A moment later, the light faded, sending the world back into almost-darkness. In its place, Pinkie felt something soft and warm over her hooves and flank; not unlike her own coat, but fuzzier. Scratchy, but in a pleasant way. Most of all it was warm. Likely made even more so by the lingering body heat Twilight had given it. At the idea, Pinkie’s face warmed, too. She stole a glance at her companion, finding Twilight to have put on her coat fully. The bubblegum pink of the coat atop the alicorn’s actual lavender-tinted coat complimented each other nicely, in Pinkie’s eyes—she was no fashionista (and the scarce moonlight didn’t give her much to work with), but it looked… “It looks better on you,” Twilight spoke up suddenly, a small grin to her muzzle as she gazed at the party mare in her sweater. That was a lie. Most certainly the boldest of lies. Pinkie beamed back. “My coat looks better on you!” That, however, was most certainly not a lie. The two carried on up the path on that note, a comfortable silence falling between them. “…On second thought, maybe I should give you your coat back,” Twilight murmured into the quiet after a time, a slight grimace in her voice. “The wing holes can’t be too comfortable for you…” Pinkie Pie laughed, full and warm. “It’s okay! I’ve worn things with holes before!” “That’s not what I…” “We’re here!” Sure enough, the pond was right where it had last been last left, though of course more frozen in nature. The ice glinted in the shallow moonlight like glittering sand on a chilled beach, appearing almost supernatural in its dreamlike glow. And since it wasn’t a cloudy night, the stars shone down from above to match, making up at least partially for the partial moon in the blue-black sky. When Pinkie looked, the stars reflected were in Twilight’s eyes. The lavender mare took in the sights like she’d never see them again, breathing in a deep breath, exhaling slowly in a cloud of white. It wasn’t snowing, not yet, but something could be said about there seeming to be white, shimmering flecks on her eyelashes. Pinkie watched her with her own baited breath. She wasn’t sure she wanted to breathe, in fear of this indeed being a dream, somehow. “You come here often, don’t you?” Twilight asked, suddenly. Not really a question. It was just to clarify. Pinkie hadn’t actually put much thought into the destination, come to think of it—after all, if she had, she would have come prepared with her ice skates! She just figured it was as best a spot as any to head for, especially since it was a spot she really enjoyed going to. She nodded. “Not as much in the winter. …Well, unless I have my skates. But sometimes I forget to bring them, so instead I build snow castles!” “Snow castles?” repeated the alicorn with a raised brow. Again, Pinkie nodded, more fervently this time. “They’re a lot easier than sand castles! And a lot prettier!” “Hm. I guess that’s true.” Twilight frowned in thought. “Can’t say I’ve ever tried my hoof at anything more than a snowpony, really.” … “Would you want to?” “What?” “Build a snow castle.” Twilight’s wings fluttered briefly from beneath Pinkie’s coat. “I… I can barely build a snowpony to begin with…” she managed, nearly sheepishly. “I can show you how!” Pinkie chimed. Her coat ruffled again on Twilight’s flank. “But…” Ah. Pinkie Pie took a step closer to her, brushing her muzzle to her friend’s cheek. Twilight’s startled, stilted breath felt hot on her neck. When Pinkie pulled away, she just smiled. It was gentle. “It’ll be fun! That’s all it’s meant to be, right?” Twilight nodded. It was hesitant. She lifted a hoof tentatively. She pawed at her cheek where Pinkie had nuzzled her, almost nervously. After a heartbeat she let her hoof fall back to the ground. Then, she nodded again. It was firmer. “Right. Right,” she said, setting her brows. “No…” She paused herself, from whatever she had been about to say. And a determined smile set in place across her muzzle. “Let’s do it!” As they rolled snow into constructional piles, Pinkie began regaling tales of her other times by this particular pond to the mare who joined her, stories of pranks and sunny days and even more fun. How one time Rainbow Dash was going to squirt Fluttershy with a fake duck, but Pinkie talked her out of it, only for Rainbow to find out Pinkie had pranked her instead. Another time, how Pinkie Pie dumped a bucket of water on Rainbow while she was trying to sunbathe, so Rainbow retaliated by dumping a bucket of sunscreen on Pinkie before she could go swimming in the pond. And yet another time when the two had simply decided to start something they called “The Great Splashing,” seeing who could create the biggest splash between them by jumping into the water. They both lost when Applejack decided to participate—which, of course, inevitably evolved into the three of them splashing each other just for the hay of it. All the while, Twilight Sparkle laughed and snorted while listening, as though she hadn’t heard all the stories before. As though she hadn’t witnessed a few herself. In some distant part of herself, Pinkie wondered about it, as she slapped two chunks of snow together. And she wondered if her friend ever got tired of listening to all the re-tellings of memories. …But then, if Twilight Sparkle had to get tired of that, she would have had to get tired of books, right? And Twilight never tired of books. Ever! … So it was a silly thought, Pinkie decided, as she formed arrow slits for her tower, and as she looked over at Twilight, who crafted an uneven wall, and who looked back with eyes that sparkled just like her namesake. When they finally had finished the castle—in not a very timely fashion at all, but, neither of them seemed to mind that anyway—it stood before them in all its lumped, imperfect glory, about as tall as a filly or colt. They both took in the sight of their work unassumingly, though Twilight more so, nervously sneaking a glance when Pinkie stared at it a bit too long. When Pinkie did look at her once more, the lavender mare was digging a dip in the snow at her hooves. “It’s…” she began. “…It’s certainly—” “Perfect.” At first, Twilight looked back at her like she had darn near lost her mind—but Pinkie was clapping her hooves together giddily, and beaming, and squealing, “I LOVE IT!” And Twilight Sparkle had no choice but to burst into a fit of giggles in return. Immediately, Pinkie Pie knew it was the best sound she had ever, ever heard. While her belly twisted and her heart threatened to soar out of her chest into the sky, she didn’t think it could have gotten any better, past that. She figured she would have to wait for the day she saw a sight almost as good as what her ears had witnessed, but, then… Then again. She was with the pony who had made that first one possible. And when Twilight’s wonderful giggles had faded, in its place was a smile. A genuine, happy upturned beam, with none of the usual sarcasm, or dryness, or teasing it might have ever had. In all that it was, it was simply, and only a smile. Pinkie Pie had seen a lot of smiles. A lot of them. That was a given when your talent was to make exactly that happen. … But Pinkie Pie had never wanted to kiss a smile. It was fair to say she’d seen many great smiles, from many great ponies. To Pinkie, all smiles were great smiles. By that logic, all smiles should be kissable. Yet they weren't She had never wanted to kiss a smile. . . . There was a first time for everything. Just like there was a first time for building snow castles, and wearing sweaters with wing holes. And, in that moment, for the very first time… Pinkie wanted to kiss a smile. A smile so modest, so perfect, so simple that it would have not looked better on any pony else. She wanted to kiss it, to kiss Twilight Sparkle, because she was modest and perfect and not at all simple. She wanted to kiss Twilight Sparkle. She wanted to! She wanted to. She wanted to… But she didn’t.
Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?Author's Note FIRST UPDATE IN 2025 LET'S FECKING GOOOOOOOOOO beta read once again by my lovely girlfriend!!! :DDD here's the angst you all have been waiting for! (and by "you all" i of course mean me hehehe) Why Would You Ever Kiss Me? They went their separate ways after that. Pinkie walked Twilight back to the castle, and they swapped their clothes back, and they bid each other goodnight and Pinkie headed home. Long into the night she tossed and turned, a troubled frown gracing her muzzle; for as much as she had had fun, and it was always nice to spend time with one of her friends… This had felt much, much different than that. She remembered something Rarity had flippantly said, once, about knowing when you liked somepony. Pinkie didn’t know a lot about romance, or anything of that sort, really, so maybe she was just making it up and maybe she really was really sick (in more ways than one), but… Rarity had described it as wanting to kiss them. It was as simple as that, she’d said. Frankly, Pinkie was a bit surprised she remembered that to begin with—at the time they were at the spa and it was in a one-off conversation with somepony else who’d asked about it (Fluttershy, she was pretty sure?) and Pinkie had been busy trying to avoid the temptation of eating the cucumbers on her eyes—so, the fact she was thinking of it at all had to have meant… Something. She wasn’t sure exactly what, but something. And if that something was the case… And if she… . . . UGH! WHY was she thinking about this at three in the morning?! She had work tomorrow! And! Other things!! That didn’t involve obsessing over one of her best friends who she may or may not like as more than a friend!!! …Was she obsessing? Uh oh. How did she know if she was obsessing or not? At one point would it become CREEPY?!?! … Uh oh. . . . Twilight was rubbing off on her. Pinkie Pie sat up, spun around, yanked the pillow up to her face, and screamed into it. “Good morning, Pinkie!” “Mornin’ Pinkie!” Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Cake! …Was what she wanted to say. Instead, a barely discernible grumble left the sleep-deprived party pony and she grumpily stomped her way into the kitchen, grumbling further to herself as she got out the eggs. In her peripheral vision, the Cakes shared a concerned glance with each other. “Um, Pinkie, dear,” Cup Cake was first to speak, “is everything alright?” Pinkie huffed, cracking three eggs into a bowl. “Yep! Fine! Everything’s just peachy keen! I definitely slept!” Just above his breath, she heard Carrot Cake mumbled, “Ah, that would do it…” Pinkie had been told before by them that she could get rather… Moody, when she didn’t get her shut-eye. She hadn’t known what they were talking about, mainly because they felt safe enough to mention it the day after she got some rest, but… Hmm. Yeah, they had a point. In a rush, exhaustion seeped in in grumpiness’s place, and Pinkie’s ears drooped onto her head. She let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Mrs. and Mr. Cake. I don’t mean to act all Cranky Doodle Donkey on you guys! I just…” She bit her lip. “I couldn’t seem to sleep a wink last night! My brain was being all overthink-y and annoying and mean!” With an understanding nod, Cup trotted up the younger troubled mare, wrapping one foreleg around Pinkie’s shoulders while gently pushing away the bowl of egg yolks. “Here, hun,” she murmured, handing the bowl off to somepony else. “Why don’t we cook you breakfast, and you tell us all about it?” … Pinkie… Wasn’t sure why, but… Her eyes welled up. She nodded quickly, not being able to help a sniffle. “O-okay,” she all but whimpered, as Cup Cake pulled her into a hug. “And, that was when I…” Something like a rock lodged in her throat. She pawed at the table, swallowing. “I wanted to kiss her.” Her stomach tumbled. She quickly shoved a bite of scrambled egg into her snout, then fumbled for the glass of orange juice next to her plate, chugging both the food and drink down in hearty gulps. From next to her, Cup rubbed Pinkie’s back in soothing motions. It helped. A little. “Is that silly?” she asked, in barely more than a whisper. “What? No! No no no, not at all!” Cup Cake shook her head doubly, as though to doubly drive the point home. “To me, it sounds like… And I’d hate to overstep here, but it seems that—” “I’ve got the biggest crush on the most smartest most importantest most magicalest pony ever?” Pinkie Pie filled in for her, with nothing short of despair, setting her glass down in favor of groaning into her hooves. “Well—” “AND there’s NO way she’d EVER like me back, because!! BECAUSE!!!” She gestured flippantly at the air in front of her, not at all representative of what she was saying. “Because of exactly that!” “Um.” Carrot Cake tentatively spoke up from her other side, following her gaze to the nothing she gestured at. “Because of, what—?” In response Pinkie slammed her hooves onto the table, shaking the plates and glasses with it. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!” she cried. Once more, the Cakes shared a glance. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” Cup assured, giving one of her hooves a pat. Carrot nodded. “I think, what you’re going through right now is very normal. I remember when I got my first crush on somepony,” he mused, “all I could stress about was if they liked me back or not! I spent all of my days back then trying to change myself if it meant they would like me better. I changed my mane, I changed what I wore, hay, I even tried to dye my coat a different color!” He shook her head, a bit sadly, “But eventually, I realized that if even I didn’t like myself, enough that I thought it best to change everything about me… Then it probably wasn’t worth it at all.” Pinkie stared at him in mounting horror, to the point where Cup quickly interjected, “What my husband means to say, is that you have to find the right pony for you! It’s never a good thing to change who you are to make somepony like you, and if you’re not comfortable in your own coat to begin with, that’s something you should work out before you try to start a relationship. All of that to say,” she went on, “Twilight loves you for who you are! It’s not a stretch to say she might like you back! Especially since she gave you her sweater,” she winked, pinking Pinkie’s cheeks. “So don’t write yourself off so soon, ya hear?” Carrot added, just as warm, as he affectionately shook Pinkie’s shoulder. If nothing else, it caused a short laugh to slip out of her. They were right. Pinkie Pie didn’t like herself. * After breakfast, she tried to get back to her usual routine. Of course, it resulted in her burning every single item she happened to throw into the oven, much to her growing impatience and embarrassment. Which she didn’t feel a lot! Everything felt new and sudden and surprising and for once not in a good way. Maybe? Was it really her fault when all she could think about was the night before, and what it meant, and what it meant when Twilight gave her her sweater? Should she ask Rarity about that? Would it be awkward to ask Rarity, since she was friends with them both and might feel weird about it? Pinkie Pie ground her teeth together at these thoughts, which she knew wasn’t a good habit, but it was a habit nonetheless and she didn’t want to have to think about getting rid of one thing when she might have to get rid of another already! Wasn’t that just it? Shouldn’t she try to get rid of it? Shouldn’t she just… Forget about it, never let these feelings reach the second surface, bury them deep, deep back down, hopefully into another dimension? Or… Or, was she overthinking that too? Was it okay? Did Twilight feel the s… . . . And would it be okay if she didn’t? There she went, being Twilight again! (Although, if she could be more Twilight Sparkle than Pinkie Pie, then…) That’s it! She was going to talk to Rarity about this and she was going to get a reasonable answer from a reasonable pony and she was going to kiss… . . . Well. Maybe not that… Last part. It just depended! On! Things! It was a nice thought though! Yup! Humming to herself, she closed the door to Sugarcube Corner behind her, and began to trot for Carousel Boutique. Just one hoof in front of the other. Just one hoof, then another. She could do this! She could… Oh, there Rarity was! …Heading out of Carousel Boutique in a scarf? Pinkie paused, about to wave. That was… Oh. Pinkie lowered her hoof. Twilight was waiting for Rarity. Wearing the same sweater. Pinkie Pie shifted on her hooves uncomfortably. Should she…? She took another step. Twilight was laughing at something Rarity had said. Pinkie watched her ignite her horn, a magenta glow placing itself around Rarity’s scarf, untying it from her neck. Twilight levitated it to her own neck, wrapping it around herself. Then she reignited her horn again. Her sweater disappeared. It reappeared nearby. Pinkie Pie blinked. It reappeared on Rarity. Oh. The heather mauve hue of the sweater blended nicely with her snow-white coat, in Pinkie’s eyes. Much nicer than it had with her own. Rarity said something. Twilight Sparkle laughed. Twilight Sparkle said something. Rarity laughed. Oh. Pinkie Pie turned around. “Pinkie?” She heard Twilight Sparkle call after her. Pinkie Pie walked away.
I'm Not Even Half As PrettyAuthor's Note Content Warnings: Self-hatred beta read by my terrific gf x 3!!! I'm Not Even Half As Pretty By the time she made it back to Sugarcube Corner, her mane hung limp around her shoulders, half-deflated. She didn’t have the heart to reinflate it to its full, let alone the energy; even if the Cakes couldn’t help but ask her if everything was alright as a result. She hadn’t known how to answer them. If she said things weren’t, and that she felt sicker than sick and sadder than sad, they’d ask why. And she didn’t know why. She tried replaying the events that had happened over and over in her head. She really did try! It was a constant loop, even if she wasn’t trying. She searched for answers in her own mind but they faded into obscurity. She didn’t know why her heart ached so much. She didn’t know. She didn’t know. All she knew, was that… Rarity was lucky. * She called in sick for work. (As in called downstairs that she was sick.) So, that was that. All that was left to do was to mope in bed. At least Gummy was there to keep her company. His constant chewing on her mane helped. Honestly, she should just ask somepony else what’s wrong with her again. The Cakes had known before, and now that she couldn’t work, they had come up to check on her every so often, bringing her soup and the like. She could ask them. They had known before. They were right there, she just had to ask for more soup. … But… She didn’t want more soup. …Heh. That was an excuse if she’d ever heard herself come up with one! She could always shove extra soup in the drawer for later. (In the drawer because if she stored it under the bed then Gummy would probably get to it.) No, she didn’t really want to talk to anypony about this. Anypony that it wouldn’t bother otherwise. If she said nothing, then it was her problem, and her problem only—as far as the rest of the world went, it didn’t exist. To the rest of the world, maybe, for just a precious moment, she wouldn’t exist. … The only pony she really wanted to talk to about anything, was Twilight. Which… . . . Twilight was the smartest cookie ever. She knew everything about everything! It might not be so out there to ask her… And, Twilight always had been keen on figuring out what made Pinkie tick, so, she probably wouldn’t mind if… Before she knew it, Pinkie Pie was at the Castle of Friendship’s door. Huh. She must have taken one of her many shortcuts unconsciously while mid-internal monologue. Almost without thinking, even further, her hoof hovered in front of her like it had a mind of its own. An odd feeling struck her, right then, threatening to deflate her mane even further, and she had to suppress a sudden laugh out of habit. This! Was a stupid idea! The stupidest, most brainless, most silliest idea she’d ever, ever had! And that was saying a lot. But, what else was new, really?! Haha! Ha! Ha… … She should have really just gone home, at that point. Her body was being silly, taking her places only her insides wanted to be. At least one of her insides. Not her brain. Her brain wanted to be anywhere but there. …Wait. What if, what if Twilight wasn’t even home to begin with? Because… Because Rarity. Now she really should go— The castle doors creaked open, loudly, and the insides of her that had initially wanted to be there (I.E. her heart) dropped to her stomach. She panicked for all of two seconds until… “Uh. Pinkie Pie?” …It was just Spike. He gave her a once-over, looking somewhat suspicious—and a bit concerned. “Noticed you… Out here,” he said, somewhat awkwardly. “Did you need to talk to Twilight? ‘Cause uh, she’s not here right now.” He managed a friendly smile, “But you’re welcome to come inside anyway if you want! There’s some hot cocoa somewhere around that I could…” Hot cocoa. Hot cocoa did sound good right about then… Pinkie nodded her head, much more enthusiastically than she had felt the entire day. “Hot cocoa sounds reaaaaallly nice! If it’s not too much trouble!” “Nope! Come on in!” Spike stepped aside, waving her in, and she trotted up the steps into the inviting warmth of the castle. She hadn’t even realized how cold it had been outside, now that the toasty air greeted her. It felt nice. Inviting. When nothing else seemed to right then. “I’ll be right back!” Spike’s voice from right behind startled her a bit. “Make yourself at home!” he added over his shoulder, giving her a little wave before speeding off towards the castle’s kitchen. She smiled at she watched him go, but it faded the second he disappeared from sight. It had felt more hollow than anything. She glanced around. For a moment that lasted no longer than three seconds. The interior didn’t interest her all that much; though, there were two cushioned chairs nearby, next to a fireplace and some bookshelves. She walked over and sat her rump in one of them, letting herself mindlessly drift a bit. Her eyes settled on the fireplace itself, lit with a cozy glow of warm flames. Her thoughts swam, and burned, and mingled with each other as she gazed into the fire. The orange and red colors, normally so vibrant to her, seemed dull, somehow. It was… Funny. How one different mindset could change everything in its wake. How easily one could change their view about the world, and about themselves, all because of a silly little thing they saw. The world seemed colder than it did. Darker. More bitter, like dark chocolate after you put it in the freezer. She was not sure why you’d put chocolate in the freezer, not to mention dark chocolate, but she felt like dark chocolate thrown into a freezer haphazardly. All cold and dark and bitter and… Able to be broke in two. If you used the right amount of force. Clawsteps clacked on the polished floor nearby, and Pinkie quickly rubbed at her eyes, before turning her gaze. “Thank you,” she said with another hollow smile, as Spike handed her a mug. It was a plain purple one. Brown liquid was inside, with dozens of little marshmallows floating on the surface. She had half the mind to down it right then and there and take the risk of a burnt throat, but— “It’s really hot right now, so be careful,” the small dragon warned, setting a mug of his own down on the coffee table that separated the two chairs. He hopped onto said other chair, across from her. “I gave you extra marshmallows, just the way you like it!” . . . Tears flew to her eyes faster than she could help it, and as her mane collapsed the rest of the way, a single sob wracked Pinkie Pie. The reaction was almost instantaneous. A cushioned shuffling sound and then claws hurrying across the floor once more, before a one-armed embrace quickly surrounded her—briefly, as she felt Spike take her mug and set it down for her. She would have thanked him for that. She should have, but instead, when he hugged her with both arms now, she just… Couldn’t. And she didn’t even know why. She didn’t know why she was crying like this. What was happening to her brain, why she felt this way, why she was even here to begin with. She should have gone home. She should, she should, she should. Yet She hugged Spike back, crushing the dragon to her chest with her hooves. She wept into her little friend’s scales as if she’d known him a lifetime. As if she was allowed to. As if she was allowed to cry at all. Pinkie Pie wasn’t supposed to cry. Never her. Never, ever her. The thought sobered her up. Just enough. Barely, but enough. Her shaking stopped. Her sobs died down. All the while, neither of them said a word. Spike only soothingly stroked the dead hairs on the top of her head, tentatively, hesitantly, but all the same. She was grateful for that. She didn’t want to hear everything was alright, or that it was okay, or that she was okay for letting herself break like a dark chocolate candy bar.All lies. Well-intentioned lies, but lies all the same. Pinkie let out a single breath, it stuttering through her lips. After some time, Spike pulled away, only so he could look at her. “Are you…” He winced, as though figuring that was a bad question to ask right then. His eyebrows were furrowed with a deep, deep worry, and she swore she saw sweat beading above his forehead. It made sense. It wasn’t everyday Pinkie Pie was having a breakdown in front of him. “D-did something happen?” he managed, nervously. “Was there an accident in Sugarcube Corner? Did somepony die?? Did the apocalypse happen???” His eyes blew wide open, as the idea of it further hit him. “Oh dear Celestia, Twilight and Rarity are still out—!” Rarity. Pinkie wanted to recoil. But, she quickly shook her head, a sadder smile taking up her snout as she gently patted the top of his head to calm him. “Oh, no, nothing like that. Everything’s fine!” Once again, her smile faded. And despite the assurance, Spike’s expression of concern didn’t falter in the slightest—in fact, it only hardened, looking a bit more desperate than ever before. Some warmth flickered in her at his concern for her, for just a moment. She wasn’t sure what to say. Should she even say anything at all? “I’m… Really, it, e-everything should, be fine,” she laughed. “I don’t know what isn’t fine! Or why it can’t be fine, i-if, if there’s anything wrong! I don’t know why that wrong something can’t be a right something! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” Tears started to well in her eyes again, but she slapped a hoof to them, much like an invisible cupcake to the eye. It hurt. It felt somewhat better than the hurt inside her chest. She lowered her hooves, meekly meeting her dragon friend’s anxious eyes. And then it hit her. A realization, of sorts. Something that might help bridge her words into something he would understand. (Not that he wouldn’t understand regardless, maybe, but…) But, there was that name again. … If it somehow did stem from her; this dull, aching feeling that made the world go gray all around… Pinkie wanted to get an idea as to why. She didn’t want R… Her to be the reason. It sounded awful, but… Like it might be true. That wasn’t any good at all. They were all friends. If she suddenly didn’t like one of those friends so much anymore, then… . . . “Spike,” she began. “You like Rar…” Rarity. Rarity. You like Rarity, don't you? “…You like Rarity, don’t you?” It wasn’t so much the name anymore. It was the image of her, in Pinkie’s mind, once she associated it with the name. In any case, Spike’s frown turned into a sudden scowl, as he stepped back from her. “Didn’t you Pinkie Promise not to—” “YES!” she nearly screeched, making him flinch. “I would NEVER break a Pinkie Promise!” What a thing for him to even consider! … …Although, to be fair, she wasn’t given him much room to work with. Of course he’d think of the worst possible scenario in a situation like this. “Sorry, um, I just… I wouldn’t,” she said, a bit sheepishly. Spike looked just as sheepish. “Right. Sorry.” He didn’t meet your gaze. “Just thought you were gonna say you… Told her, or something. I dunno.” Again, Pinkie shook her head. “I would never. I would rather die before I did something like that and lose our friendship!” Spike nodded. A small grin crossed his face, just briefly. “I trust you! So, uh, what were you gonna say?” Oh. Yeah. That. Pinkie fidgeted. “So, when you… You know!” No. He didn’t know, Pinkie. “When you! Look at… Her! What’s it like?” Spike blinked. “Uhhhh…” “Does it ever feel like you’re the only two ponies in the world, and that everything’s a dream that you never want to wake up from?” He opened his mouth, but Pinkie wasn’t finished. “Or is it, you feel like you’re on the biggest sugar high of your life because, because she just makes you feel so happy and wonderful and nice but then when she leaves it’s like the high’s over and now you’re crashing and everything else seems kind of boring in comparison and you feel sick in both cases but they’re different?” “Pinkie,” Spike said. “A-and,” Pinkie nudged her hooves together, nervously, “what’s it like when you see her with somepony else? Is it a whole other kind of new sick? Does it make everything else bad? Does it make the world dark and dull? Does it make you want to—” “Is this about Twilight?” “—cry for the rest of forever and— Huh?” “Is this about Twilight?” Spike asked, again. What? “Who’s that?” Pinkie squeaked. His eyebrows shot down as he narrowed his eyes at her, giving her a flat Really? look. She gulped. “Oh! Y-you’re talking about Twilight Sparkle!” she giggled. “YEEEEEP, now her I know!” He rolled his eyes. “You like Twilight Sparkle, don’t you?” Oh. … . . . Was… She really that obvious? She couldn’t be. Right? “I mean,” Spike gestured a claw at her. “You literally just described what it’s like to like somepony. And I’ve seen the way you look at her.” “You have?” Pinkie swallowed. “Well, duh!” He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You’re Pinkie Pie! You’re the most like an open book than, like, anypony else!” “Really?” She tapped her chin. “I thought Twilight would be more like a book. ‘Cause, y’know,” she snorted, “she lives and breathes them.” “Actually…” Spike rolled his eyes. “She’s not much better. She’s super easy to read too. In fact, speaking of you she—…” For some he cut himself off right then, eyes widening a bit. “UHHHHHH nevermind! Forget I said anything!” Pinkie blinked. Then she smiled, even if still, her heart wasn’t in it. “Okie dokie Loki! Anyway,” she hesitated, glancing to the side. “Can I… Ask you another thing?” Spike nodded, a bit too quickly. “Sure!!” “You mentioned Twilight and Rarity earlier, how they’re… Together.” Together. Together. Celestia, it put such a sour taste in her mouth. “And you said, um, that you can read Twilight really well?” He nodded again, looking uneasy. “Is there— Do you think…” No. No crying. No. Crying. She swallowed again. “D-do you think Twilight likes Rarity?” She shut her eyes, as though to delay the inevitable answer she’d get. But then, she only heard laughter. A bit bewildered, Pinkie Pie slid her eyes open, staring at the guffawing dragon in confusion. “What’s so funny?” she asked, glancing around for the cause, ears flicking every which way. Spike only laughed harder. “R— You, y-you think, Twilight—” He broke off into a snort, then even more snickers, “Tw-Twilight, liking, Rarity?!” The longer he went on, the more lost Pinkie felt. Even a little upset made her ears flatten, and a deep frown graced her muzzle. “That's not very nice, Spike! I mean, why not? Twilight’s super pretty! And so is Rarity! I know they say opposites attract and all, but…” “No, no no it’s not that it’s—” Spike wiped a tear from his eye, wheezing. “It’s just—! I mean, well first of all,” he seemed to sober up a bit, expression flattening, “I’d kill Twilight if that was the case. Second of all…” The mirth returned to him, “Trust me, I’d know if she liked Rarity that way. And she doesn’t.” … That… No. That couldn’t be right. “But she… She gave Rarity her sweater!” Pinkie blurted. Spike’s face furrowed a bit, as he seemed to think it over. “…Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that much,” he hummed after a moment. “But really, Twilight’s just nice—and weird—like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave her sweater to a stranger. She probably didn’t mean anything romantic by it.” Somehow, that only made Pinkie feel worse. Everything in her felt like it was drooping, as she mumbled, “Yeah. You’re probably right.” Spike’s face fell, as he saw her own fallen face. “What?” Instead of responding Pinkie glanced away. Her eyes found the mug. She snatched it up, and downed it in one fluid gulp. Then, she rose to her hooves. “Thanks for the hot cocoa,” she murmured. Her dragon friend looked at her with the strangest look, that she couldn’t begin to decipher. (Not that she felt particularly up to deciphering anything else today. She just wanted to go home and sleep forever.) “I should probably get going now.” She turned for the door. Spike joined her, following behind slowly as she trudged along. When she opened the door to step out, Spike nudged her shoulder from behind. “Hey, um… Want me to tell Twilight you were here?” he asked. “I mean, you never did get to talk to her. You probably wanted to…” She was still out with Rarity. It didn’t really matter anyhow. Pinkie just smiled at him. “It’s okay! Maybe I’ll catch her another day,” she lied. As if she would try again another day. She didn’t think Applejack would be happy with her if she knew the amount of lies she was telling lately. (Then again, Applejack never had to know to begin with.) She trotted back out into the cold. The door creaked behind her, and she looked back to see Spike leaning on it, watching her with big, worried eyes. “You know, you don’t have to leave, you could spend the night and—” Pinkie reinflated her mane. “No thanks! Maybe another time!!” she giggled, waving brightly at him. “Bye-bye, Spikey Wikey!” He managed a smile in return. It seemed good enough. “Bye Pinkie! Make sure to stay warm!” She nodded, giving him another wave, before bouncing off. And that was that. As soon as she heard the doors close shut in the distance, she stopped bouncing. What little motivation she had left drained entirely. Her mane gave out instantly. The sky grew darker ahead her while she headed for Sugarcube Corner once more. Snow started to fall from clouds above. Thankfully, no pony was around to question the discoloration in the mare’s appearance. Not like she’d be able to come up with a solid excuse anyway. There was no point. No use. Spike had only confirmed her fears. Twilight liked Rarity more. The sweater was proof of that. It didn’t mean anything when given to her. Twilight never had liked her in that way. But it had to have meant something when given to Rarity. It was different. Rarity was different. But of course. But, of course. But of course. But of course! Rarity. It was Rarity. It was Rarity. It made tons of sense. So much sense that… That Twilight would like her. Pinkie Pie didn’t hate Rarity. Not even a little bit. She loved Rarity very much. But, right now… She wanted nothing more than to invite her to a fake party. A party that wasn’t even going to happen! The worst part? She didn’t feel guilty for it. Not one. Little. Bit. … Until that night, anyway. The instant she let her head hit the pillow of her bed that night, it was like the distaste for Rarity drained out of her. And it was distaste, to a point, she realized. She wasn’t sure when it had become that. It didn’t help that she now knew why there were ill feelings at all. Then the guilt soared through her like a rain cloud. A horrible, nasty rain cloud—a rain cloud that wasn’t ideal, but that was deserved all the same. … She didn’t hate Rarity. Kind of. Sort of. Maybe. …Maybe a little. Maybe a lot. She didn't really know. She didn't really know anything, apparently. But she knew she was ugly. She knew she was ugly for it. All of it. Especially if she hated Rarity. She wasn’t even half as pretty. Of course Twilight liked Rarity. Of course. Rarity was beautiful. That was why Pinkie might have hated her. . . . And because she might have hated Rarity, she hated herself, too. … Well. At least there was that. That, at least, gave her some semblance of relief.
