Life and it's Mysteries.

This life I have, this horrible, saddening, and depressing life, it hurts me. The pain I have endured, times I was showered in pity and remorse, the days I wanted to drown in sorrow and sadness, the moments I cried pools of water, from just knowing this life I have, isn't the greatest. This life however has brought some good in me. I no longer feel upset for anything. Instead I am... happy.

Happy... happiness... what does happiness mean? How is it obtained, how is it given, how can happiness affect us so greatly? I live with happiness, yet I know nothing of the meaning or how it even works. Do family and friends bring happiness? Does wealth bring happiness? What is it that gives us happiness? Love? Hope? Life? Happiness is a feeling, yes, but it's meaning is exploited and overused.

Happiness has been in me for quite a time, yet I never felt true happiness. The feeling of happiness is... warm and fuzzy, as some say. When I see smiles, they, those people, don't always seem happy, no matter how giddy their bodies are as they smile. I see sadness instead. Not a single person smiles out of happiness, its rare if they do. It is so plain to me, that I've seen so many 'smiles', yet I still wonder... Are they truly happy?

Despite all this, I don't ever remember the last recent time I've ever been sad. I've always been happy. I understand true sadness only because I've been through it. From decease of family, to bullying, to just plain death. The pain, you feel in your stomach, is sickening. Just the fact that something is lost, or the fact it will only get worse, just eats on your hatred of the truth. The truth that life, is simply unfair.

My life isn't all too bad these days though. I have friends who respect me and care for me. I have family to make me feel special. I have both to make me feel welcome in this hard life. One thing that also made me feel welcome... was love. I have felt love, which in my case, made me happy. I've dated girls who have been through worse times than me, which made me feel sorry, but also feel more confident. Sure they know pain and sorrow, but they don't have a full grasp of life, life that is full of hardships we all must overcome one day. Love also made me realize, happiness can be achieved with ease, but not true happiness.

I've lived a sad-happy life for almost 12 years. It all started with a simple divorce between my parents. That was the trigger. The trigger was pulled, and I was brought to a life of sadness and darkness. It doesn't bother me anymore however, the past is the past, so I am willing to keep going. I will live this confusing life of hardships and mystery, but with a cause, a reason, a motivational purpose. That cause, is to find true happiness. Or die trying.