She’s better than you.
Everything about her is better than you.
You don’t deserve her…
She’s vibrant, charismatic, attractive, radiates confidence and can light up a room with cheers at a moment’s notice.
Ever since you swapped positions with her, it’s felt like your students have relied on you less and less.
Despite the increased responsibility as headmare it led to eternally dwindling interaction with those who made you feel like you meant something. Whether it was sorting out a petty squabble, a silly question or them confiding in you their deepest insecurities, it made you feel like you meant something.
That was all gone now, reduced to a job of paperwork and desk jobs, all because Twilight had to-
No…
No you couldn’t blame Twilight, she didn’t want any of what happened to her. For everypony to hold her on a pedestal, to be a princess, to rule. Twilight owned up to her challenge while you resented it. Twilight accepted you when you only made mistakes and didn’t deserve it.
You didn’t deserve any of this.
You ruined their lives, you ripped them from their homes, manipulated them into a false family, all for what? Some petty childish obsession with a long lost friend? And then they just…let you walk away.
Why didn’t they let her?
A simple act of showboating and theatrical exaggeration sent her life spiraling, endless ridicule and harassment with no one to turn to.
Even after all that she went through, even with her additional failures she still sought to apologize. That wasn’t right was it? To grovel at their hooves for forgiveness? She didn’t deserve that. The mare who would become the most accustomed with your worst side, who’d accept you for your harshest traits, sharing her undying love and cherishing you in spite of all your slights against her.
How could she stand you when you were given everything that she deserved on a silver platter?
What would you even be without her? When everything was lost and the burden of saving the day was placed on your shoulders, you faltered, buckled under the pressure of leadership and let everyone down.
And then she brought you back up, in your weakness you needed her words to work you up and pull yourself together just long enough to get through it. You’d be nothing now without her.
Perhaps this was the source of the resentment, to feel like your emotional state had become so intrinsically tied to a single individual when you felt like you could never give as much in return. You wished she resented you, hated you, it would make the arguments easier.
Words that were said without meaning, things you wish you didn’t say and longed to take back yet had to live with the endless desire for retribution, for you to pay for what you had done. Making her hate you would make it easier for her to break away.
And yet, she stayed. In this hollow castle without a princess, long after the night’s party had ended, sending many a now faceless guest home to their loved ones for Hearth’s Warming, Trixie stayed.
No words were said as you stared into the flickering flames of the fireplace with her, huddled under the fancy blanket for warmth as the chilling cold fought its way through your now home.
Where would Trixie be if not here with you right now? Maybe ending her night on an appropriately firework like bang? Something uplifting and exciting? A positive end to a happy holiday. Something to bring her joy with no thorns attached?
She could do any, all of that…and yet she was here with you, all of you…
…it wasn’t fair.
* * *
She’s better than you.
Everything about her is better than you.
You don’t deserve her…
She’s powerful, controlled, stunning, intelligent, she takes on everything the world throws at her and fights back twice as hard.
How does some two bit hack magician have the right to sit next to her?
It might’ve been easier as a traveling performer. Sure, there was no one to turn to when nights got rough, but you had no one to lose. No concerns plagued your mind but the infrequent thoughts of a mother who you feared to face again and a father whose face you had never seen.
There was no consequence back then, you against the world and anyone else could bite it. It was easier to ignore the truth back then, that the “great and powerful” mare before them was a washed up dropout that hadn’t achieved anything in their entire life but be insufferable.
Now you had meaning, part of you hated it. The words you said, the actions you took, people cared now. Students hung on every syllable as you counseled them on how to deal with their problems. Who were you to talk about dealing with problems? All you caused was problems, problems you could no longer shy away from.
A laughing stock, a threat, a fraud. You had it all coming to you, for them to see you as the pitifully weak embarrassment you were after you took over their town, almost ruined their lives, and then just…let you walk free.
They shouldn’t have forgiven you, you tried to earn what you now felt you never deserved and rightfully never got. She deserved everything. The mare who accepted you in your darkest hour, who comforted you when no one else would, the one you hurt over and over again with your obliviousness and ego, forever a burden on her beaten shoulders, just to have her love you all the same.
How could she stand you when you were nothing but a harmful reminder of the past?
What would you even be without her? When the world was in danger and everything seemed lost, you panicked and screamed, you were shaken and scared.
And then she took control, in your weakness you needed her strength, her real strength to take control, pull you through that nightmare and save the day. You’d be nothing without her.
Perhaps this was the source of the resentment, forever the shackle in her shadow, to stand next to someone so great and yet never powerful enough to help as much in return. You wished she had resented you, turned you away when you hurt her and left you to what you deserved, or hated you as you stuck around now. It would make the arguments easier.
Justified words of pain and vitriol thrown at a stubborn personality that refused to change, that earned the hate that should never be taken back. If she hated you, it would be a lot easier to stay away.
And yet, she let you stay. In this grand castle of a new heir, long after the night’s party had ended. sending many a honored guest home to their loved ones for Hearth’s Warming, who had earned their warmth. Yet with Starlight you stayed.
No words could be said as you stated into the comforting flames of the fireplace with her, stuck under the weighty blanket for warmth as the hot air filled up this one tiny room in her home.
Where would Starlight be if not here with you right now? Maybe getting some well deserved rest after such a hard day of work? Something cozy and earned? Hanging out with a more comforting friend? A happy end to a positive holiday. Someone to bring her joy without bringing her down.
She could do any, all of that…and yet she was here with you, all of you…
…it wasn’t fair.
* * *
“Hey Starlight?”
“…yeah Trixie?”
“Do you ever…do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like if we never met?”
…
It had been a thought that had crossed your mind before, but took until now to be said.
How would your life have been if you had never met her?
A false friend, never truly fitting in with or caring for those who sought to help you.
A pretentious phony, never truly living up to the hopes or expectations of those who set you free.
A vapid villain, hung up on a petty past from which your mind could never truly escape.
You thought about the world without her as your eyes traced those of the one who accepted you, all of you. You and your abrasiveness, selfishness, hurtfulness. You who had felt you had done nothing to earn their companionship, their passion, their love.
Was it wrong to love them? Was it wrong for them to love you back? It must’ve been. She was better than you, she’s always been better than you. To want was to hurt, to cage, to restrict. She was better than you, she deserved better than you.
And yet, you couldn’t. Let her go? You couldn’t. Among every failure, every lost connection, every fading friendship, not her. You couldn’t let her go.
Selfish.
Despite every opportunity given to you, you couldn’t help but be selfish…
But…maybe…as she smiled, as she stared, as the two of your souls came together, closing the forbidden gap between you two and feeling her tender lips against your own, taking in what you had and could never earn, pulling away from the intimacy you devoured. You couldn’t help but stay, feeling ever entwined with the one who should hate you and yet accepted you unconditionally. To utter those words…you’re awful…yet, she shared those words with you…
...maybe she wasn’t much better than you.
“I wouldn’t trade you for anything in the world”
Author's Note
Definitely a contrast from my last two fics lmao (go read em if you liked this one I guess though they're nowhere near as angsty if you're just looking for that).
Thought my first Startrix story would be something sillier but I guess not (co-dependency yipee 
)
