You Can’t Do That Here

by Catweazle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Fluttershy, Human
Length: 1883

Anon has only been in Ponyville for a month and everypony hates him.

Living in Ponyville for a short time Anon still has a lot to learn of how to behave amongst the ponies. Only after a month in he has managed to get on a lot of pony’s nerves with his whacky antics.

So Twilight and Fluttershy sit Anon down to explain why his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. If only Fluttershy was a little more helpful…

Published 2024-12-14 02:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-14 02:20:00 UTC

ONE SHOT

A couple weeks ago, the quiet town of Ponyville had been disrupted by the sudden appearance of a peculiar creature: a bipedal, talking being covered in fur with no horn or wings. They called him Anon, since they had trouble pronouncing his real name. Apparently he had stumbled into Equestria through a mysterious portal and now, the town was abuzz with tales of his strange antics.

Twilight sighed as she looked down the long list of complaints from the residents of Ponyville. It had been a hectic month trying to acclimate Anon to their society, and it seemed like he was still making quite a few cultural missteps. She knew it was a lot to ask of someone from another world, but the safety and happiness of her friends and fellow ponies were at stake. She was hoping to have all her friends attend this meeting, but alas, only Fluttershy was willing to attend.

The two friends sat at their seats in the library with Anon across from them. He appeared rather bored and uninterested as he drummed his fingers on the table. He occasionally met eyes with Fluttershy who quickly blushed and hid behind her hair. Twilight cleared her throat to get everyone's attention.

“So, Anon. I suppose you would like to know why I’ve called you here today?” Twilight began, trying to keep a firm but gentle tone.

Anon leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. “Is it because I forgot to flush the toilet again? I swear it’s like the lever's playing hide and seek every time I go to the bathroom here.”

Twilight’s expression remained stern. “Well, no. But we’ll get to that. It’s about the overall well-being of Ponyville. The complaints have been piling up, and we need to address them before they become serious issues. For starters, the apples in Sweet Apple Acres are disappearing at an alarming rate, and being placed in creepy spirals all over the orchard. Applejack says she’s seen you near at odd hours of the night. Could you explain what’s happening?”

Anon rubbed his neck, looking slightly embarrassed. “Ah, right. The apples. Well, I’ve been having a bit of a midnight snack problem, and they’re just so satisfying to pick off the branches. I tried to put them back but as it turns out magic doesn’t work like that around here. So I figured instead of just leaving them lying around I would make them look cool.”

Fluttershy spoke up timidly. “But Anon, Applejack works really hard on her farm, and when things aren’t in their place, it’s hard for her to manage. Could you maybe ask before you take any more? And not make creepy shapes with them?”

“Well, what kind of farmer has a dog that can’t even chase someone off their property?” Anon retorted. “That dog loves to play fetch with the apples for crying out loud! It’s like AJ wants to be robbed.”

Twilight frowned. “Anon, Winona isn’t a security system, she’s a family pet. And Applejack is upset because her crop is being disturbed, which is crucial for her livelihood. It’s important to respect others’ property and work here in Ponyville.”

“Fine! I’ll stay away from the apples, okay?” Anon said, raising his hands in a gesture of defeat.

Twilight nodded making a note on her scroll. “Glad we could sort that out. Now, onto the next complaint. While it is indeed common for ponies to not usually wear clothes we’d all greatly appreciate it if you stopped pulling your pants down and showing your behind when you’re upset with somepony.”

“Wait. Now you’re all offended by that? You all just seemed more confused than upset when I did it.”

“It’s just that…” Fluttershy turned a deep shade of red. “We’re starting to get the gist. Especially when you say we can… kiss it.”

“Not to mention foals are starting to imitate it!” Twilight said, glaring fiercely at Anon. “Never in all my days have I seen so many colts and fillies wearing only pants around town!”

“I was wondering why they were doing that!” Anon exclaimed, trying and failing not to laugh.

Twilight's glare grew stronger as she waited for Anon to get ahold of himself. "This is not a joke, Anon. Even though you haven’t exactly encouraged foals to copy your actions, you are a very big influence to young minds. You are still rather new and interesting to them. They are going to mimic you for the fact they think it’s cool.”

“And Rainbow Dash is still rather steamed Scootaloo did it to her when they had an argument,” Fluttershy added. “She thinks she’s starting to idolize you over her.”

Anon's laughter died in his throat. “Oh, I had no idea. You want me tell the foals to take off their pants?“

Anon’s eyes suddenly went wide as he just realized what he said. While Twilight had just stated ponies don’t usually wear clothes it still sounded like he was a major kind of pervert in his mind.

Thankfully, neither Twilight or Fluttershy seemed to recognize his slip up as Twilight replied. “Just stop doing it and I’m sure the foals will follow your lead. That’s all we ask. Now, onto the third complaint. There’s been a lot of noise coming from your house at odd hours. Some of the residents are having trouble sleeping. Can you tell us what’s going on?”

Anon leaned forward, a slightly defensive look on his face. “Look, I talk to myself. It’s something humans do when they’re trying to figure things out.”

“Do they usually scream and I quote: ‘Maria! I would have gone back for you?’”

Anon actually had the decency to look a little embarrassed this time. “Ah, right. That. I know you ponies aren’t big movie buffs but from my world we get bored without them. So I kind of reenact them when I can’t sleep.”

Twilight's expression remained serious. "It may have been appropriate to scream,” Twilight looked back down at her notes. “And I quote: ‘Are you not enertained? Are you not entertained?’ in your world at 2 in the morning, but here we like to sleep peacefully.”

“In my defense it was a great film!”

“So I take it you’re also quoting a line when you go up to random ponies in the street and saying things like: ‘Dong, where’s my automobile?” Twilight asked with a hint of sarcasm.

“Or when you sit next to a pony and tell them its not their fault over and over until they start crying?” Fluttershy added. “They can’t even tell us why they cried when you say it. It just makes them cry.”

Anon burst out laughing at this accusation. He couldn’t help it, the absurdity of his actions and the ponies’ reactions was just too much. Twilight raised an eyebrow at his outburst, but Fluttershy couldn’t help but giggle a little too, her cheeks becoming flushed.

“Don’t encourage him, Fluttershy!” Twilight whispered, trying to maintain her composure. She took a deep breath before continuing. “Anon, while we appreciate that you’re trying to adapt, it’s important to understand that our customs and behaviors are different here. We don’t have cars or movies in the way you do, and some of the phrases you’re using are either confusing or upsetting the ponies. Can you try to be more mindful of that?”

“But they make it so easy!” Anon protested.

“That’s no excuse to treat other ponies like they’re your toys when you’re bored. We have a giant library here that are filled with books that I’m sure you can find to your liking,”. Twilight said, gestuing around the room.

Anon folded his arms and grumbled. “I’ll… try. No promises.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Thank you for your enthusiasm. Now, let’s move on to the next issue. “Rarity respectfully requests that you stop requesting her to make…” Twilight blushed. “Intimate items.”

“I can explain that one!” Anon interjected. “My new friend Lyra has been asking a lot of questions about my world and one thing led to another and she was extra curious about a few things. So I thought I’d be a good friend and see if Rarity could make something to satisfy Lyra’s curiosity.”

Twilight’s blush deepened, and she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. She didn’t want to imagine the kind of items Anon had been asking Rarity to create. Fluttershy buried her face in her hooves, her giggles now a full-blown snicker. Twilight looked at her in bemusement. What was with Fluttershy today?

“She asked me to tell you and I did, so let’s get onto the next complaint.” Twilight cleared her throat and tried to maintain her professional demeanor. “Ah, yes. Rainbow Dash has filed a complaint about you. She’s rather upset with you, too.”

“Yeah, well, when isn’t she?” Anon quipped.

“Rainbow Dash is demanding you stop writing weird messages on other ponies rooftops as she flies over them. For instance, she says you’re getting on her nerves when she lands and suddenly realizes the things she read. Things like: ‘Rainbow Dash is secretly a dude!’’ and ‘I asked AJ to marry me! She said yes!’ On top of that Rainbow is beyond frustrated that she can’t get the song lyrics, you made her read, out of her head.”

“What’s wrong with Baby Shark?” Anon asked, genuinely confused.

“I actually like it,” Fluttershy murmured, smiling slightly. “It’s rather cute.”

“Be that as it may, Fluttershy, the town is not a canvas for pranks or personal messages,” Twilight said, her eyes still on Anon.”

“Hey, I never would’ve thought of it if you hadn’t done it first. So technically that one’s on you.”

Twilight took another deep breath, trying to keep her patience. “Anon, whether we started it or not, you need to understand that your actions have consequences here, and they’re affecting the harmony of Ponyville. Now I think Fluttershy has something to say now. Go ahead, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy looked up, looking a little taken aback. “Oh, I don’t really have a complaint about Anon. Not anymore.”

“What do you mean by that?” Twilight exclaimed, holding up her list. “I have your complaint written right here! You said you were upset that Anon was using your rodent animals to play as toy soliders!”

“Well, it’s just that after talking to them, I realized they actually enjoyed it,” Fluttershy explain with a warm smile to Anon. “They like the towers and other structures he builds them. They also feel really confident in their army outfits, and the hamsters especially like pretending they’re airships in Anon’s hands as he makes sound effects. They have been asking for you to come back to play again… I guess I overreacted a bit.”

Anon smiled deviously. “Well, in that case wait until they see the next thing I got planned for them. It’s called Warhammer.”

“That sounds a little ominous, but I’m sure they’ll enjoy it!” Fluttershy replied, clapping her hooves.

Twilight could feel a headache coming on. She pressed a hoof to her face and sighed. “Moving on to the next complaint…”

Author's Note

My first attempt at a comedy fic. Hope I made someone laugh. If y’all enjoy it I would love to make another one.