Our Hero Visits Equestria in Search of His True Love (Is It Feet?)
Author's Note
Violations of the contest rules are helpfully annotated (like this!)
Our Hero Visits Equestria in Search of His True Love (Is It Feet?)
I (self-insert!) climbed into my prototype crossdimensional travel craft, and dogged the hatch shut. Now was the moment of truth: would it work?
I reached for the activation switch. It was a big lever two feet long, to make the moment feel extra dramatic. I gripped the lever, pulled it from "home" to "weird place."
Through the portholes, I watched as my machine was enveloped by sheets of fire and lightning.
After a few seconds, that dramatic spectacle subsided. I could see grass, trees, blue sky, the signs of a relatively unspoiled world.
I undogged the hatch, and climbed out. To one side of me was a lake, and upon the lake floated something like a streamlined mechanical whale made of steel. Its skin was coated with many brass gears and cogs for absolutely no evident reason.
On top of the whale, a trapdoor opened. A man emerged. "Bonjour!" he said.
In preparation for the possibility that a parallel world might speak some language other than English, I had studied the first few pages of many different foreign language textbooks. Now was the time for my foreign language skills to serve me! I announced, "PARRR LEEE VOOO FRANCEY!"
The man cleared his throat. "Excuse me," he said. "I perceive you can speak English."
My jaw dropped. "How did you know? Are you a magical space telepath?"
He shook his head. "No, Captain Nemo (crossover!), citizen of no earthly nation but of the ocean itself."
"Then how did you know I can speak English? Did the space whales tell you?"
He sighed. "I must try again, in hopes of finding a world with intelligent life."
He dropped back down within his giant steel whale. The trapdoor closed. A moment later, the whale vanished in a turning of the many silly looking little gears and a whirling of water.
I scratched my head with the five (not six! Not four or three or one!) fingers on one of my two hands. (HiE? Wait till we find out for sure where we are...) "Huh. So maybe those gears DO accomplish something. Maybe."
I noticed a dirt road. A dirt road might mean civilization, intelligent natives, perhaps even a step towards my journey's ultimate goal!
I marched along the road, keeping a careful lookout for dangerous wildlife or natives.
***
Five minutes later, I was hanging from a tree by one foot. How was I to know that a loop of rope in the road means danger, at least if I step directly on it?
Two grayish creatures with pale blue hair on their heads approached me. Quadrupeds with enormous eyes in their large heads, but with relatively small bodies.
"Aha!" I announced. "I know where I am."
"Where are you?" one of the creatures asked.
"Or maybe I was mistaken," I said. "You first."
"You're near Ponyville."
"Where's that?" I asked. "I mean, what country is it in?"
The other creature goggled. "You don't even know you're in Equestria?" (HiE confirmed!) "I'm Cloudchaser, and this is Flitter who is my sister and also my girlfriend." (incest!) "We've been together since we were tiny foals." (foalcon?!) "And by together, I mean in a 'smexual' way." (foalcon! 'Hurrah, I guess. 🙄' But really, yuck. 🤮)
"Why did you capture me?" I asked. "Don't you see that I am an innocent, harmless creature? Won't you please set me free?"
"No," Flitter said. "Before we can release you, first you must kiss each of us."
"That doesn't sound so bad..."
Cloudchaser turned around, raising its tail. "On the hiney!"
Flitter said, "Kiss her directly on the cutie mark, baby!"
"Oh." (noncon! This WOULD also be porn, but I refuse to give up the T rating.)
After an embarrassing session of public hiney kissing, the two creatures lowered the rope and extricated me from its noisome coils. "I WOULD thank you for letting me go," I grumbled, "but I feel my lips and tongue have ALREADY done MORE than enough work."
"You want to be our girlfriend, right?" asked Flitter. "Now that you've learned how incredibly sexy our hinies are?"
"No."
"You don't find us sexy?" Cloudchaser complained. "Lots of ponies would BEG to be our girlfriend."
"I won't be your girlfriend, because I'm not a girl."
"You're not?" Flitter flapped her wings, putting her face close to mine. "But you have the tiniest snout I've ever seen. You must be the girliest girly girl in all of Equestria!" (Ha ha, false alarm! RGRE isn't on the list! But maybe it WOULD have been on the list, if the contest organizers had thought anyone would be ~~~fool~~~ genius enough to use it!)
"Also," I added, "you're not my type. Neither of you is."
"Hmmph!" The alien creatures didn't bother to turn their backs on me (since they were already facing away from me) and walked away.
I continued walking along the road, this time carefully watching out for ropes.
***
"Curses blast it!" I shouted. "How was I to know that a SNAKE could be as dangerous as a ROPE?" Laying in the middle of the road, I writhed with pain. My every movement raised clouds of dust, as I struggled with the snake which refused to release its toothy grip upon my ankle.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't have stepped on it?" replied a pale green creature.
"Please help me," I moaned. "I am a harmless visitor, an alien to this world."
The pale green creature eyed me skeptically. "You didn't think stepping on a snake might harm it?"
"I know very little about this world and its lifeforms' strange ways. Help me, please!"
The pale green creature shook its adorable horse style head. It knelt at my ankle, and used both its hands (anthro! HURRAH!) to pry the snake's jaws open. One hand tossed the snake into the bushes beside the road. "There," it said. "Now please don't do anything else so stupid, and you should be fine."
I gazed up with wonder into my rescuer's face. "I can't believe it. You have the most beautiful horse face...AND hands. Real hands! And feet, too!"
"Of course I have feet. How else would I walk?"
"You'd be surprised." I knelt, clasping my own hands together. "Please," I begged, "come with me to visit my world." (PoE?! That is, Ponies on Earth.)
The creature pouted. So cute! "Well, I don't know. What world are you talking about here?"
"The most amazing world in all the multiverse. It is a world where we have no war, and no racial conflict."
"Not even racial conflict between unicorns and pegasi?"
"Not even that."
"What is your secret? How does your world achieve such harmony?"
I held up my own green hand. "Because each and every one of us is exactly the same color of green. And we can't even insult each other effectively to quarrel, because absolutely everyone has exactly the same name...Anon!" (anon!)
"That sounds absolutely wonderful! Just let me pack a suitcase and tell my lesbian wife Bonnie where I'm going first."
"This is the happiest day of my life," I rejoiced. "I've always wanted to meet the most beautiful kind of creature I could possibly imagine or find pictures of on the internet: someone who has a horse face but also has human hands and feet." (fetish? Probably. 
🖐👣)
And with that final admission, my quest was complete! I had committed enough utterly absurd and unlikely mistakes to achieve absolutely every prohibited item in Section 13. (EXCEPT that I couldn't do real porn in a T rated story. 😭) Hurrah!
Addendum
Now that you know so much about what NOT to do, you can go write a proper contest entry of your own!
Disclaimer About Writing Terminology (Added Several Hours After Initially Posting This Story)
In
I (self-insert!) climbed into my prototype crossdimensional travel craft, and dogged the hatch shut. Now was the moment of truth: would it work?
just having the story told by a character who calls themself "I" does not literally automatically make this a self-insert story. Assuming that "I" really definitely is or represents the real author of the story...was a joke for comic timing.
