Seriously, You Can’t Do That Here
It was supposed to be Twilight’s day off today. The one day where she could do whatever her heart pleased. So today she really wanted to have the day all to herself. She had accomplished a lot in the past week and spent more than enough time with her friends. But thanks to a certain someone her day of solitude had to wait. The Citizen Concern box at Town Hall had once again was bursting with complaints; or as Anon liked to call it: The Snitch Box. Usually it was Mayor Mare’s job to handle such things but since all the complaints were directed at Anon again, Twilight was forced to deal with it.
Ever since Anon had arrived in Equestria Twilight was honoured and pleased that the Cutie Map chose her to find and help him. Now Twilight suspected the Cutie Map must have been drinking that day because she sure as heck hadn’t. Now everypony saw Twilight as the go to pony whenever there was a problem with Anon. Bringing along a large cup of coffee with her, Twilight used her magic to open the double doors of the library and strode on in. The smell of old books and dust greeted her, a scent she usually found comforting, but today it was tainted with the dread of impending paperwork. Thankfully, Anon was already here waiting. Probably wanting to get this over with as much as her.
“Morning, Anon,” Twilight said simply, moving to take a seat at the table.
“Morning, Princess. How hath we done to displease the ponies today?” Anon replied sarcastically.
Twilight rolled her eyes. Anon’s cheekiness was a double-edged sword. Sometimes it was entertaining; other times it was exhausting. Today was one of those exhausting days. She placed the stack of complaints before him with a thump. The parchment fluttered and settled, the corners whispering of accusations and grumbles.
“Well, why don’t we find out together, shall we?” Twilight suggested with a forced smile. “But before we begin: am I going to find any repeat offenses in here? You told me you were going to clean up your act, and you still managed to rack up a ton of complaints.”
Anon shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t know. Maybe they just don’t like me because I’m not pink and sparkly?”
“Don’t play the racism card, Anon,” Twilight gently scolded. She picked up the topmost letter, her horn glowing as she levitated it open. The ink was a furious scrawl across the page, the sender’s anger apparent even before she read a word. “This complaint appears to be from Aloe and Lotus? The spa ponies are so tolerant. What could you have possibly done to upset them?”
Anon rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, why don’t you go ahead and skip that one? I learned my lesson already, and they gave me a lifetime ban.”
“If I skip one complaint, I’ll have to skip all the complaints. And as tempting as that is, you are my responsibility. Now let’s see here…” Twilight began to silently read the complaint, her expression neutral until she reached a certain part. Her eyes bulged as she gasped and put a hoof to her mouth. She looked back at Anon with murder in her eyes. “You didn’t!”
Anon chuckled nervously, his face reddening. “I was curious if you ponies had the same meaning back in my world. It’s actually crazy that you do. I wasn’t actually expecting a happy ending.”
“Good! Because no spa in Equestria does that, Anon!” Twilight barked, her blood boiling so hot she could almost feel steam coming out of her ears. “We find language like that to practically be sexual assault! You’re lucky you only got a lifetime ban! I don’t think even I can show my face there now!”
Anon cowered slightly under her fiery gaze, his eyes darting around the room. “Okay, okay, I get it! I shouldn’t have said it. But come on, how was I supposed to know if I didn’t ask?”
Twilight closed her eyes and took several deep breaths to calm herself. Her morning was officially ruined, and it was done by the first complaint. May as well see how else Anon managed to piss off the citizens of Ponyville before lunch.
“Alright, next complaint. This one’s from (shocker) Rainbow Dash. She says you’re spreading rumors about how she’s…” A look of utter confusion came over Twilight’s face as she looked back up to Anon. “A racist? Why would you ever be telling ponies Rainbow Dash is a racist? Racist against who?”
Anon felt like he could stand his ground on this one. “She hates pies. And not just any pies. All pies. The public has a right to know."
“Just because Rainbow Dash hates pies doesn’t mean she’s racist, Anon!” Twilight stated, astonished she just had to explain that. “Pies aren’t even a race! They’re a food! Not kirin, not griffons, not changelings! Pastries! Edible goods! Yum yums!”
“I fail to see the difference…”
“I know you don’t! Just stop it with the rumors, okay? Rainbow Dash isn’t a racist!” Twilight snapped. She wasn’t in the mood to explain how ridiculous Anon was being. “Moving on… This one isn’t a complaint, actually. It appears to be a petition? Let me see here…”
Anon began to feel deeply worried. Had the townsfolk collected signatures to have him banished? Imprisoned? Executed? He started to relax a bit when he saw Twilight’s face had turned a deep red when she finished reading the document. She coughed into her hoof before explaining. “This petition has been signed by over 200 ponies of the town. As you already know, ponies aren’t required to wear clothes as a rule, but it seems they, uh, want it so that you at least wear pants when in public.”
Anon looked at her, a hint of confusion in his eyes. “That doesn’t sound fair. Everyone else gets to walk in the nude. I actually find it very freeing. Plus it prevents any tan lines.”
Twilight answered as delicately as she could. “It’s not that we’re trying to be spiteful, Anon. It’s just that, well, we ponies are quite a bit shorter than you. And when you don’t wear clothes, it puts certain... features at eye level for us. Especially in the mornings.”
Anon stared blankly. “I don’t follow.”
“She means we don’t want to keep having your crotch in our faces!” Applejack interjected, striding into the library with her usual brashness. “Ponies keep saying it feels like they’re talking to your weiner rather than your face when y’all come around town naked!”
Twilight face-hoofed in embarrassment. “Oh, for Celestia’s sake, Applejack! Couldn’t you have picked a more delicate way to say that? And what are you even doing here?”
Applejack sat down next to Twilight, a stony expression on her face. “I believe that you’ve been goin’ too easy on this one, so I decided to come and make sure he gets a proper scoldin’. So, let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”
Twilight looked slightly disgruntled but kept her peace.
Anon looked from one to the other, his expression a mix of amusement and bewilderment. “Fine. I’ll wear pants if it’ll get everyone off my back. But I still think you guys are singling me out.”
“Real pants!” Applejack emphasized, pointing at Anon with a stern look. “Not those little tiny shorts you wear under ‘em.”
“Prude,” Anon muttered under his breath.
Applejack winked at Twilight with a smug smile that clearly sent the message: This is how you do it. Twilight ignored her and read off the next complaint, hoping it wasn’t as mortifying as the last one.
“Okay, this one is from Octavia… Her complaint is that while playing a sonnet to a full house at the Ponyville music venue, you farted. Twice. Loud enough to be heard over her ensemble!”
Applejack pulled the note over to read it herself. “And instead of excusing yourself like you should have, you went ahead and announced to the audience, ‘It’s twins!”
Twilight face-hoofed again, groaning. “Anon, that’s not funny. That’s just disrespectful to everypony involved. Including yourself!”
Anon snickered.”It was just a little gas, Twilight. It’s a natural bodily function, not the end of the world. Besides, the foals found it hilarious!”
Applejack’s face remained unamused. “You ain’t exactly helpin’ your case with that attitude, sugarcube. While you may fit right in at a daycare you need to act your age in public! As for Octavia; you’re going to write her a letter of apology. A genuine apology!”
“But she had me thrown out! Isn’t that punishment enough?”
“No!” Twilight and Applejack said in unison.
“Dictators,” Anon grumbled.
Twilight chose to pretend she didn’t hear that and read out the next complaint. “This one’s from Miss Cheerilee…” Twilight read the complaint in silence this time before she shook her head and hoofed it over to Applejack. “You can have this one.”
Applejack took the paper, read it, and gave Anon a deadpan look. “You stumbled into Miss Cheerilee’s classroom, slurring your speech, and asked: Where are all the white girls at? The foals were startled, but as for Sweetie Bell, she was so terrified she ran out of the schoolhouse like the building was on fire!”
Anon put his elbows on the table and ran his hands through his hair. “Okay, okay, I know that was bad. But I didn’t know Berry Punch’s brew was so strong! She offered me a taste of her new strawberry wine cooler, and it tasted like regular juice! Before I knew it, I was hammered! If anything, Berry should have stopped me.”
“Says here she tried.” Twilight had another paper in her hooves. “Berry tried waving a ladle to deter you from leaving the bar. Your response was to slap it out of her hoof, throw her over your back and yell, ‘No! It didn’t kill you because you weren’t armed! Get to the choppa!’ Then after running through the streets, you dumped her on a bench, shaking like a leaf. And before you left her alone, you kept repeating the words- Oh dear Luna! Repeating the words: It’s not your fault. Really, Anon? Just really?!”
Anon moved his hands over his face in shame, whispering, “Damn you, Good Will Hunting.”
“That’s it, Anon!” Applejack stood up from her seat and pointed to the door. “Go to your room! You’re grounded!”
Anon looked greatly taken aback. “What? I’m not a kid, Applejack. You can’t ground me!”
“I can and I will!” Applejack retorted furiously. “You’re actin’ like a darn foal on sugar rush with no manners! So since your own momma ain’t here to do it, I may well be the one to discipline you! Now march up to your room and think about what you’ve done!”
Anon folded his arms and stared defiantly. “Make me.”
Applejack's eyes narrowed. "Don't test me, sugarcube. You're on thin ice as it is."
Twilight saw the tension rising and decided to intervene. She didn't want to start the day with an all-out war, especially not in the library. "Now hold on, Applejack" she said quickly. "Why don’t we all just take a step back and think about this for a moment?"
“What’s to think about?” Applejack exclaimed. “The boy needs to learn some discipline! Give him to me for a week, and I’ll whip him into shape!”
“That’s not going to happen, Applejack,” Twilight said firmly. “I’ll be the one who decides whether or not Anon should be punished.”
Anon looked slightly relieved, but the tension in the room was palpable. Applejack sat back down, trying to murder Anon with her stare. “Fine. Let’s read off some more of the town’s complaints until you’re convinced this boy needs a good switch!”
Thankful that cooler heads prevailed for now, Twilight read out the next complaint. “This one is from Mrs Cake. It seems you told Pinkie a rather inappropriate joke, and now she keeps repeating it to other customers… Do I even want to know what the joke was?”
“It was just a little dark humour. I didn’t know it would be so offensive!” Anon replied.
“What was the joke, Anon?” Applejack demanded.
Anon cringed. “I… I, uh… I forgot?”
Applejack leaned in with a knowing look. “Horse apples. What did you tell Pinkie?”
Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed. “I’d really rather not hear it. Anon, you explain to Pinkie that the joke you told her is rude and must never repeat it. One of you is more than enough in Ponyville.” She turned to pick up the next complaint, hoping it would be less embarrassing.
But Applejack put her hoof over the stack. “I want to hear the joke. You can tell it to me right now and increase your chances of being able to walk or I can go find Pinkie Pie and have her tell me.”
Anon groaned and relented to AJ. “What do you call the Cutie Mark Crusaders when they’re depressed?”
“OK!” Twilight scrambled off her seat, chuckling nervously. “I think we’ve dealt with enough for today! Anypony want breakfast? I want breakfast! Anon, why don’t you go to your room? I’ll call you when its safe- I mean when it's ready!”
Applejack stamped her hoof on the table so hard it rattled the nearby books. Both Twilight and Anon froze. It was at this moment Anon knew he fucked up.
“I don’t know, Anon,” Applejack said coldly. “What do you call the C.M.C’s when they’re depressed?”
Anon took a deep and slow breath as he stuttered out the punchline. “The Su- Sui- Suicide Sq- Squad.”
Applejack’s eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Twilight’s face had gone pale as she stared at Anon, who looked like a foal caught with their hooves in the cookie jar. The silence was so thick you could have cut it with a chainsaw.
A few moments into the uncomfortable silence, Applejack finally tilted her head down and spoke. “Twilight?” She asked plainly.
“Yes, Applejack?” Twilight replied, her voice shaky and her heart racing.
“Would you mind calling an ambulance?” Applejack said through gritted teeth, her eyes still fixed on Anon.
“Oh! Are you not feeling well?” Twilight asked timidly, actually hoping her friend was feeling sick.
Applejack cricked her neck. “It’s not for me.”
And then Applejack lunged straight at Anon.
Author's Note
Coming up next: You Can’t Start Cults