Seriously, that's what you risked the universe for?
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Principal Cinch Is A Goddamned Moron
Seriously, that's what you risked the universe for?
“Let’s take it from the top, one more time, alright, ma’am?”
“Why? You don’t believe me, do you?! Pah! I knew this would be a fool’s errand, I should have just gone straight to the school board if I wanted results.”
“Ma’am— Ma’am, please, sit back down. I’m not saying that we don’t believe you, it’s more to do with that attitude that we’re a little confused by.”
“I don’t see what my attitude has to do with this entire situation! I would think that cheating should at least be a misdemeanor at the bare minimum!”
“That! See? That— That right there is what I’m talking about.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Like let me get this straight, like… like perfectly straight, okay? So you’re telling us you discovered that magic exists.”
“That’s correct.”
“As in magic. Honest to god magic. The ability to manipulate reality and rewrite the laws of physics on a whim, and it’s not only real, but one of your students found a way to harness and utilize it.”
“Indeed.”
“And you used it to try and win a high school math competition?”
“The Friendship Games are not some simple high school track meet!”
“They kind of sound exactly like that.”
“And Crystal Prep is not some ordinary backwater public education facility begging for funding!”
“What?”
“We are the number one school in the county, officer! In the county!”
“Okay?”
“And the number two school in the entire state.”
“Congratulations?”
“And number five in the entire country!”
“I’m sorry?”
“So I wouldn’t expect you to understand that certain sacrifices have to be made to stay on top.”
“Are we talking metaphorical sacrifices or, like, did these magic portals also cry out for the blood of the innocent?”
“Are you making fun of me? Why, I never! You’re a federal agent, I would have thought that would mean some level of professional decorum!”
“Look, lady, I get peaking in high school, I do. I mean— I’m a cop for a reason, right? But it’s thanks to you that the entire universe almost got sucked into a dimension of intelligent horses. That’s not something you witness and then decide that the school board needs to be the first one to know about it, you know?”
“Are you saying I should have gone to a higher authority, like the Department of Education?”
“The Department— Lady, what is wrong with you? How about the police? NASA? A magician in Las Pegasus or some sort of voodoo performer down in New Horseleans? The world almost fell into a horse hole, how is that not some sort of life-changing revelation that makes you realize there’s a bit more important things out there than winning a pep rally against a public high school?”
“They’re called the Friendship Games!”
“Right, so… so it seems to me that your train of thought hasn’t derailed so much as it never even left the station, so let me try and speak to you on a level that I pray to god, pray to god, is one you can understand, alright? Because I’m starting to question both our sanities here.”
“Don’t you take that tone with me, I—”
“So to start off and based on what you’ve told us… You threatened and attempted to blackmail one of your students. That’s a felony right there, by the way, even if this report makes me think said student is either going to kill us all or discover cold fusion—”
“I didn’t—”
“And then because of that manipulation and abuse of your authority you ended up endangering the lives of all the rest of your students and the students of another school- again, super duper illegal—”
“But I—”
“And to top it off, you caused enough damage to public property to count as another felony on top of the blackmailing, child endangerment, and that’s not even getting into the fact that there’d be grounds for a civil suit from the parents of Canterlot High on top of everything else. And, because I cannot emphasize this enough, you did this to try and win a high school competition.”
“Well, I nev—”
“And look, I get not wanting to go to the police here. Believe me, I’ve as much faith in Canterlot’s finest as I currently do in Canterlot’s private schooling system, but still… The school board? The frickin’ public county school board?”
“I don’t— I don’t have to be talked down to by common law enforcement! Don’t you know who I am?”
“Someone who probably shouldn’t have any sort of authority over children?”
“I have a personal line and a close friendship with Superintendent Sombra, I’ll have you know!”
“Lady, I haven’t been in high school in almost thirty years and I flunked out anyway. I don’t know who that is.”
“And I’m personal friends with the Rich family!”
“Okay?”
“He could buy and sell you!”
“Filthy Rich? The billionaire, right? Yeah, I guess— I guess that’s fair, but here’s the… hold on, let me get the rest of this file. Here’s the thing. You know he’s got a daughter, right?”
“What does that have to do with this?”
“Three guesses as to who also almost fell into a horse hole, and which school she goes to. Here’s a hint: it’s not Crystal Prep.”
“Stop calling it a horse hole!”
“For a teacher, you fail a lot of tests, don’t you?”
“How dare you! I’ll have your badge for this! Who even are you? Let me see that! Flash Magnus, Unusual Incidents Unit? That’s not a real FBI division! I demand to speak to your superior! I demand to speak to Principal Celestia! I demand to speak to a real police officer!”
“Agent Magnus.”
“Figures you’d show your face. Bunch of big sucky portals probably is reason enough to get the big players interested, huh?”
“You and I both know that we’ve been keeping an eye on the situation for some time. Certainly the most entertaining interrogation I’ve witnessed in a while.”
“Yeah, fine. You going to shoot her full of those memory erase-y thingies or do I get to save some time on paperwork for once?”
“I doubt she’ll be an issue, you’re off the hook. For once.”
“Feh. Small blessings. Smoke?”
“Don’t you know what they put in those things? The nicotine is the least of your worries, believe me.”
“You see? This— This right here is why it’s always a mess when you show up. Not just the weird shit, no, it’s always you dropping hints that like, Cheetos or whatever are made of ground up alien buttholes or something. Seriously, man, is there anything good in this world that’s not got some horrifying secret ingredient?”
“Cheez-its.”
“C-cheez-its? Oh, cheez-its are okay. Nothing else but god, at least the cheez-its are okay!”
“Some cheez-its.”
“Some cheez-its, right. Cheddar jack’s off the table, I take it.”
“Do you really want to know, Magnus?”
“Fuck, man, I regret even asking. Sheesh.”
“...”
“Okay, so seriously, though, are you guys going to do anything about this portal? This isn’t the first incident, you know it’s not gonna be the last.”
“That's classified information, agent, sorry.”
“God, it’s always classified with you skip guys, come on, man. Screw the feds or anything for a moment, this is getting out of hand. This isn’t the first time something crazy has gone down at CHS.”
“The anomaly is contained.”
“C-contained? Contained? Buddy, my kid goes there, you know? You know what he told me last month? You know what he told me? He told me he thinks he might be sexually attracted to talking miniature horse girls.”
“At least it’s still girls.”
“No, you don’t get it, like how— how am I meant to process that even? I’ve got reports of kids out here growing horse ears and blasting each other with rainbow lasers and I’m out here learning that my son’s ex-girlfriend is, and I’m really trying to emphasize this, that she is a talking miniature horse. Or was?”
“And?”
“It is every other week that someone is get magiced or enchanted or bewitched or cursed at this point man. Like, forget his irreversibly altered sexuality—”
“I intend to.”
“Shut up. You and I both know it’s a frickin’ miracle none of those kids have died yet, and it’s only a matter of time.”
“Yes, but look on the bright side. According to our reports, underage drug usage at CHS has dropped dramatically. Apparently, horse magic is more exciting.”
“You see this? This right here is why everyone back at the UIU thinks you’re a dick, Star Swirl. I thought once the skips got a hold of you you’d be a bit better but it’s like you enjoy being obtuse.”
“It’s part of the job, Flash.”
“Yeah, sure, you gonna tell that at my kid’s funeral when he drops through a horse hole and falls five hundred feet to his death?”
“...”
“Fucker.”
“Look… I wasn’t lying about it being contained. At least, according to my bosses.”
“Lasers and horse girls, Star. Lasers.”
“That’s what I’m saying. The internal classification for it is… I don’t remember, if I’m being honest, but it means it kind of takes care of and contains itself.”
“You expect a bunch of teenagers to solve your people’s problems because a magical portal gives them superpowers?”
“Cinch’s star student went school shooter with interdimensional rifts and, according to your suspect, the love and friendship between two teenage girls is the only reason we’re not all eating hay and daffodils right now—”
“Daffodils are poisonous to horses.”
“What?”
“Never… never mind. Sorry.”
“...Yeah. Right. The point I’m trying to make is that I told my superiors about that and they just looked traumatized and told me to ‘keep an eye on it’. As far as they’re concerned, unless the other side’s horse president shoves a nuclear bomb through the horse hole or the students start growing equine themed tentacles, it’s officially SFA-DFTI.”
“Stay far away and don’t fucking touch it?”
“The very same.”
“...Damn, Swirl, you’re as up shit creek without a paddle as I am, huh?”
“More or less. I suppose it’s a miracle that Canterlot High is remarkably good about keeping secrets. And a small blessing that Crystal Prep’s administration is as incompetent as they are competitive.”
“Pff. No kidding, right? Second in the state, my ass. Sure you don’t want a cigarette?”
“You’re still going to smoke one?”
“Star Swirl, if my daughter-in-law is going to end up being a unicorn or some fucking winged horse thing I don’t know the name of, I figure I’ll smoke the alien butthole.”
“Fair enough.”
“Least Sentry’s up at summer camp for the week now and as far away from CHS as possible. Gives me a whole week not to worry about anything magical happening.”
“Arcane.”
“You what now?”
“Anything arcane happening, that’d be the proper terminology.”
“Whatever, man.”
Author's Note
Wrote this in two hours after a late night cookie run and getting solicited by what I was pretty sure was a cult in the middle of a co-op parking lot. The night does weird things to your writing motivation.
Thanks to Toonwriter for proofreading.
