A Siren, a Teen, and a Mythological Creature Walks into a Café...

by Lunaria

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Sex, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Dazzlings, Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze, Comedy
Length: 2646

When their initial plan to siphon magic from Canterlot High goes awry on account of one Sunset Shimmer, Adagio hatches a brilliant new plan for how to proceed. Aria [i]really[/i] wishes that she [i]wouldn't go through with it[/i].

When their initial plan to siphon magic from Canterlot High goes awry on account of one Sunset Shimmer cornering them and setting one of them on fire, Adagio hatches a brilliant new plan for how to proceed.

Aria really wishes that she wouldn't go through with it.

Twilight wishes she could come up with a good excuse to not have to listen to Aria ranting about it all.

The sex tag is for mild reference towards the notion as discussed between characters.

Written for TheLegendaryBillCipher for Jinglemas 2024!

Published 2024-12-25 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-25 00:40:01 UTC

Party of None

"Give it to me real Aria, how bad is it?"

She'd neglected to offer Adagio a mirror, something which was for her own sake, really.

"Second-degree burns in several spots, not to mention first-degree burns along both your arms," Aria said.

Adagio looked away. "Damn, no wonder it stings," her eyes trailed the hospital room.

"And this is with painkillers," she clarified.

"Think about it positively," Sonata started. "We now know for sure that there's magic over there!"

Adagio slowly nodded. "Equestrian magic even..." she moved her hand to her chin, only to yelp in pain from the action.

Aria could feel the urge to plant her face in her palm rising.

"Not to mention," Adagio smirked. "The girl that cornered us-"

"We are not going after that damn kirin," she interrupted.

"Kirin?"

Aria traded a glance with Sonata. "It's what makes the most sense. She's clearly Equestrian, and the way she handled fire-- especially when she got mad --clearly suggests she's one. And no, before you come up with something harebrained: It's way too dangerous to go after her."

"Yes... that makes sense I suppose. Still, I want to look into her more." Adagio licked her lips before turning and looking out the room's lone window.

"Something about that flame," Adagio muttered after a few moments of contemplation.

"Told you!" Sonata snipped to her in a fake whisper.

"Ugh," she groaned. Sonata really didn't need to rub in the fact that this went exactly like the two of them had predicted.

Usually Adagio was the leader of the trio. She tended to have her head in the game and think about the larger picture: how to best gather magic in this limited world. But even then she tended to get wrapped up in her own schemes, and this clearly seemed to be another one of those situations.

As unusual as it was for her to be the voice of reason, she had to give convincing her sister a try, for her own safety's sake if nothing else. "Look, she's too dangerous, and she's clearly taken claim to this area. Being immune to our touch on top of being able to burn us alive does not give us very good odds."

"Hmm? Yeah, sure," Adagio waved her off without even meeting her eyes.

With a sigh Aria turned to leave the room, idly noting that Sonata had already made herself scarce.

The bespectacled teen from across her stopped sipping her milkshake.

"Okay, I think I'm following you so far..." Twilight idly mussed. "But I'm not sure what trying to mind control Sunset and her setting your friend on fire has to do with.... this," she gestured around herself.

The café they were seated at was all but ruined. Cake batter and pastry remains were splattered across the walls and there were several burn marks on the floor. Both Fluttershy and Rarity were sharing a booth, having been carried there by them after they fainted. Pinkie Pie was slowly cleaning the walls... with her tongue all while Sonata was drinking soda straight from the dispensary.

"Look," Aria sighed. "I'm getting to that. And frankly you seemed to be the only other sane person in this town. And if I don't get this off my chest then I'll end up like her!" She jabbed her finger towards Applejack who had collapsed in another booth, her face buried in her palms; a long drawn out groan could be heard from her.

Twilight nodded. "Okay, yeah, I can see what you mean."

"Yeah, so, like I was saying: I wasn't too worried yet. Yeah, sure, Adagio probably had some harebrained scheme to try and steal Sunset Shimmer's magic. But even I couldn't predict... this."

With Adagio out of commission and Sonata off doing... whatever it was she tended to do; Aria returned to her time honed hobby between gigs: Standing at street corners and blowing bubble gum while being bored out of her mind.

"...I need a fucking hobby, don't I?"

She sighed. It was hardly the first time she'd had such thoughts. A long time ago Adagio had been all about having them live a life of luxury while causing strife to feed upon. Of course, that was before they'd realised just how stuck they were in this reality; hardly just a minor setback that one.

The thought of doing a solo gig did cross her mind. There was an internet café across the street; a lot of people in those were naturally pretty pissed off so it wouldn't even be hard...

That's when a sight that shouldn't cross her eyes did so: Adagio-- bandages still wrapped around her arms --slowly creeping across the street in what amounted to the worst attempt to look inconspicuous she'd seen in the last decade. Aria was once again reminded why she never left any of those kind of jobs to the others.

"...Fuck me."

With a roll of her eyes she slowly sulked after her sister. It didn't take long for them to make their way over to the park; where Adagio promptly disposed of herself in a bush.

Rolling her eyes yet again, Aria plopped herself down on the closest bench opposite of where Adagio's hiding spot was. Her fellow siren didn't seem to notice her in the slightest as they had their eyes completely trained further down the path.

It was a solid couple of minutes before any of what was going on started to make sense to her. But sure enough, eventually from down the path two teens approached. One was a remarkable familiar girl with red and yellow hair that glistened like there was no tomorrow. The other had really long flowing pink hair and was clutching a book tight.

"So yeah, I don't think you'll need to worry about your diary any more, Shy."

"Did you, um, add anything to it?" The shy girl asked.

"Nah, why would-"

That's when Adagio burst from the nearby bush. "KIRIN FROM THE GREAT BEYOND!" She rushed over from her hiding spot and reached into her backpack.

"Please tell me this isn't fucking happening..." Aria muttered while preparing for the worst by crossing her legs and leaning back in her seat.

Adagio produced a box of cheap chocolate and presented it to the fiery girl, all while putting on her smuggest of smiles. "Let us fornicate!"

Aria reached for a napkin to clean the milkshake off of her face.

"She did what!?!" Twilight sputtered out amidst her coughing.

"Yeah," Aria groaned.

"That's... what did she say-"

That's when the bathroom door burst open and two teens Aria didn't recognize rolled out onto the floor, fiercely making out with one and another. One had what was probably a rainbow wig on their head and the other was some green chick with blond hair. She could tell just from a glance that either of the other sirens had enchanted them.

Tearing her eyes from the two teens she finished cleaning herself up. Throwing the used napkins at the nearest trash bin, missing her target by a solid margin.

"Fuck," she muttered.

Twilight slammed her palms on the table. "What did she say... Aria, was it?"

"Sunset?"

"Yeah!"

She shrugged. "Something about being above shitty teen romance garbage," she chuckled and put her arms on the backrest. "Honestly, I can kinda respect that."

"And then?"

"Well, I had to step in."

Seeing as she didn't want to get directly involved with the very obvious train-wreck in motion, she instead opted to pick up stalking Adagio later. As such it was with a grumble that she pushed her way into Canterlot High's foyer that same afternoon. She had a pretty strong inkling for where she'd find Adagio.

What hadn't been on her radar was finding Sonata at CHS, seemingly chatting up some girl that looked like they had just escaped the girl's isle in a toy store.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" The teen yelled and waved at her as she approached.

"Yeah sure, whatever." Aria reached into her pocket and started unwrapping her last bubble gum; this was just one of those days.

"OMG Aria, hi!" Sonata continued.

Who was teaching her internet slang now? Whoever it was, she could attribute to them the death of her own sanity.

"Anyway, I'll see you at lunch," Pinkie said while slowly walking away; all while making finger gun gestures at Sonata.

"...Please tell me you didn't actually enroll into this school for real Sonata."

"Okay, I won't tell you then!" They put on their trademark dumb as bricks smile.

Aria smacked her palm onto her face. "Do I even want to know why...?"

"They have free tacos every Tuesday."

"Sonata..."

"Yeah?"

"You're a fucking siren. If you wanted tacos you could just go into any restaurant in town and sing, and then they'll make you as many tacos as you could possibly want."

Sonata took a step closer and put her hands on her shoulder, a serious expression on her face. "You don't understand Aria, TACO, TUESDAY."

All she could do was groan.

"Yeah so, my sisters are fucking idiots."

"The data does seem to point in that direction, yes," Twilight replied.

The café door slammed open as a still singed Sunset Shimmer walked in. How a kirin managed to get singed Aria would never know; not that she wanted to find out.

"Okay, I put out that fire. Where's Rainbow Dash and Lightning Dust?" Sunset asked.

"I think they went back into the bathroom to... you know," Twilight replied.

Sunset groaned. "That one is gonna be a nightmare to explain after the fact, pictures of them making out are all over mystables."

Idly the two of them watched as Sunset made her way towards to bathroom.

"Anyway, where was I?"

"Something about your sisters being, uh, less than smart?"

"Ah, right, the usual."

Figuring out what class Sunset had currently wasn't too hard, and from there it was easy to figure out where Adagio would be. So it was to no surprise when she kicked open the door to roof and spotted her standing near the edge, one foot on the rim, spying on the fields below with a pair of binoculars.

"We need to work on your entrances Aria."

"It did the job, didn't it?" She casually replied as she approached.

"More importantly, why are you professing yourself to some random girl?" Aria continued.

"Because," Adagio licked her lips. "She's fucking hot. And I'm not just talking about the whole burning thing."

"Even if we're right about the whole kirin thing she's, what, less than half your age? Not to mention you're being a bit of a creep spying on a high school class having PE."

"Not everyone can seethe at the mere thought of sex like you do, Aria."

She strategically popped her bubble gum. "World be a fucking better place if people did tho~"

"You know," Adagio lowered her binoculars. "You're not even wrong, and I kinda hate that." Not that the tone of her voice suggested any level of sincerity; she sounded just as smug and in the right as the expression on her face signaled.

"Yeah, so, can we not do this?"

"Nah," Adagio turned and pressed the binoculars to her chest before walking off. "I've got a sweaty piece of meat I need to get close and personal with."

Aria sighed. "I'm not bailing you out of jail when this goes to Tartarus!"

"Noted!"

She didn't bother to turn, but she could just feel Adagio giving her the finger as she walked away.

"...That would explain all the screaming coming from the dressing rooms, wouldn't it?"

Aria shrugged. "Maybe, I honestly didn't care to follow her like a lost kitty. Adagio is a big girl, she can take care of herself."

She realised how dumb that sounded as soon as it left her mouth, given the current situation they were in had a direct correlation to Adagio not taking care of herself.

"Yeah, everyone started screaming about some weirdo at the window!" Pinkie chimed in from halfway across the room.

"Clearly," Sonata started-- and Aria prepared for her braincells taking another loss --"she should have used some leet wallhax instead!"

Aria did her best to forget the image of Sonata and Pinkie Pie high-fiving while giggling like toddlers.

"Yeah, so," she did her best to continue despite the sleeping bear outside in the parking lot rolling over and triggering another car alarm. "Since I couldn't talk her out of it I figured the best idea was preventative action."

It took until school was out before she'd caught up with her target and explained to them how dense Adagio was being.

"I thought I made it clear I didn't want anything to do with you three," Sunset said in response to her tale.

"Yeah," Aria popped her bubble gum bubble. "And trust me, I don't want anything to do with you. If it was just me I'd ditch town already."

She could tell the kirin's patience was quickly getting depleted. Thankfully she had some of her friends nearby, presumably she didn't want to set them on fire.

"Here's what I don't get," the blond cowboy girl that was apparently named Applejack said. "Why is your sis trying to trick Sunset into liking her to try and get her magic?"

"I think she's genuine."

That caused all three of them to dumbfoundingly stare at her.

"...I'm honestly at a loss for words, darling," the prissy girl eventually got out.

"Yeah, it's a thing, isn't it?" Siren romancing was always up there in its own league if she was being honest, not that she had much care for it herself. "Anyway, just keep your eyes clear and keep some backup around in case she does something particularly stupid."

Not bothering for a reply Aria turned and walked away, thinking that whatever scheme Adagio had come up with to get laid couldn't possibly be more stupid than that time Sonata did... well, there were several times with Sonata if she was being honest.

"And, well, half of this place was already burning by the time I caught up with Adagio and Sunset again; you were there for that."

"Yeeeaaaah," Twilight said, before returning to her drink.

Both of them ignored the two athletes slowly walking out of the café, trying to avoid each others eyes.

"Truth be told, I'm not sure what to do with this information, or how helpful it is in piecing together what happened here," Twilight said.

Aria nodded.

"At least this explains some what has been going on around here lately," a voice spoke from somewhere to Aria's side, between her and the window. Turning her head revealed a green girl with large disheveled hair wearing a long sweater.

Aria jumped lightly. "Where the fuck did you come from?"

"I've been here this whole time," they replied in a deadpan. "In fact, you two just decided to sit down at my booth."

"Sorry," Twilight got out.

"Don't worry about it, I'm done anyway," the girl said, getting up and walking in front of Aria to get out.

Aria just raised her arms in disbelief. "What is with this town?"

"It's a lot, isn't it? I should probably go and help Sunset clean up the rest of this place, if you're done?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Aria said dismissively.

It wasn't even a full minute after Twilight had awkwardly walked off that Sonata slammed herself down in the seat opposed to her with a large smile on her lips.

"Wowzers, this is totally an epic fail!"

A loud groan escaped Aria as she rammed her head into the table.

Author's Note

I figured it would be funnier if I didn't describe what actually went down.

Happy Holidays!