The First Ponyville Snow War: A Historical Retelling
Welcome, cherished friends! On this cold Heart’s Warming Eve, I invite you to gather round and listen to a story from history. Join us for the tale of the first Ponyville Snow War;
Our legend begins at the very edge of Ponyville, on the morning of Hearth's Warming Eve. The morning sun had just risen over the trees to illuminate Fluttershy's humble cottage. Discord, our dear Lord of Chaos, was spending the morning relaxing with the gentle pegasus.
For the moment, all was calm as they sat on the small bridge watching baby owls explore the frozen wonderland. At this time of year, our fair town was much quieter, and far more boring. Princess Twilight and Spike had just moved back to Canterlot, Cheese Sandwich was still traveling the world, and there weren't any Windigiggles yet! With the school also closed for Hearth's Warming, there was very little going on. Thankfully, the future of Ponyville changed forever when the Pink One began her master plan.
Discord was just about to take another drink from his chocolate mug of tepid cotton candy when PIFF! A snowball struck his antler, scattering fresh powder all over his head!
"Who- ?" Discord asked. Immediately he received an answer as Pinkie Pie leapt onto the bridge. "Snow waaar!" Pinkie shouted with excitement.
"Oh my." Fluttershy quietly giggled as she spotted the culprit. Before them stood Pinkamena Diane Pie, garbed for snow combat! Streaks of chocolate underlined her eyes and ice skates covered her hooves. A peppermint striped scarf wrapped around her neck, while a white vest and bandolier of empty snow cones encased her barrel.
Spinning his head like a top to clear off the snow, the Noodle of Disorder turned to address his assailant. "Well well, are you really challenging moi to a snowball fight?" Discord chuckled as he gestured fancily to himself.
"Yep!" Pinkie giggled before smiling and pointing dramatically. "Discord! On this day, I declare war upon you, and all who are boring! Snowballs and silliness shall reign supreme!!" The pink pony laughed again as she spun around, threw another snowball with her tail, and pronked away. The Lord of Chaos popped his head off and floated it clear of the frosty projectile as he watched her bounce towards Ponyville proper.
Fluttershy giggled and walked up alongside Discord as he reattached his head. "I'll keep an eye on the owlets. You're welcome to play with Pinkie if you want. We can always have our tea party tomorrow."
Discord aimed a wide grin at Fluttershy. "Thank you, my dear. I do regret wiggling off so suddenly, but she called me boring! Such an insult cannot stand. My honor has been besmirched!" He laughed and snapped his claws. In an instant, the Lord of Chaos was fully prepared for battle. A helmet of solid chocolate appeared on his head, while peppermint platemail snaked down to cover his body and tail. Upon the brow of the helmet was a large 'V' formed out of cotton candy cones.
The Lord of Chaos finished his drink in a single bite before rushing after the bouncing baker, who had already vanished from sight. With a snap he pulled forth a dozen orbs of snow with buzzing wings, which erratically followed his every wiggle as he flew towards Ponyville.
Suddenly, just as he passed the lone tree that marked the halfway point between Fluttershy's cottage and Ponyville, a volley of snowballs descended on him! It was an ambush! With a startled yelp, Discord fell from the air and crashed into a snow drift, where he was swiftly buried in powder.
A few seconds later, the snow mound split open and, with a loud belch, it released a dark cloud. Now free from his frozen prison, Dis-cloud reformed into Discord facing the source of the volley. One side of the lone tree was covered in miniature snow cannons, all positioned to be completely unseen to creatures approaching from Fluttershy's cottage.
"Oh ho ho! This will be far more fun than I had expected!" Discord laughed gleefully as he dusted himself off. Snapping his fingers to resummon the bug-winged snowballs, plus an extra snowball, he turned and spotted the pink party planning pony pronking away. Wiggling into the air once again, he took off in pursuit. Pinkie was nearing the bridge into Ponyville proper and, at her current pace, would cross it before he caught up.
Thinking quickly, the Noodle of Disorder summoned a floating ice catapult. Loading all thirteen snowballs into the catapult's bucket, he carefully aimed and fired, sending the snowballs hurtling far ahead of him. As they reach the peak of their arc, their wings buzzed to life, propelling the baker's dozen forwards with enough speed to catch up. Upon reaching Pinkie, the snowballs flew around her head aiming for her face where they briefly transformed into mini snow Discords. With a loud THBBPPTTTTT! all the snow-cords blew raspberries just before exploding into a curtain of powder.
Startled and blinded, Pinkie tripped when she next landed. Skidding face down, she dug a trench straight into a large snow drift a few dozen feet from the bridge. Discord laughed triumphantly, happy to have landed his first strike. Reaching the crash site just as Pinkie's head popped out of the snowbank, he landed and summoned another baker's dozen of the bug-winged snowballs.
"It seems I have you cornered Pinkie. Whatever will you do now, I wonder?" Discord smirked as the snowballs took up positions around the baker's head. "And please, don't say you surrender. This is the most fun I have had in a while." Discord said, wiggling with delight.
Pinkie let out an exaggerated gasp. "Surrender!? I would never give up so easily!" She insisted as she ducked back into the snowbank. The hovering snowballs immediately launched themselves into the drift, exploding in puffs of powder that soon filled the air. Darting forth into the cloud of falling snow, Discord stopped as Pinkie leapt out of the drift and landed before him.
"For landing your first hit, I would like to offer you some celebratory snow cones! Would you like one? I have 31 different flavors." Pinkie announced happily as she smoothly pulled three empty cones from her bandolier and filled them with fresh snow. "I don't have cotton candy, but I do have blue raspberry! I also have strawberry, orange, alfalfa sprout, watermelon, starfruit, grape, corn, banana, pina colada, potato, sapphire, bubblegum, root-beer, lemon, cayenne pepper," Pinkie's rambling was cutoff when Discord reached out and booped her nose.
"You have plain lemon? Without any disgusting lime?" The Chaos Lord asked hopefully. Leaning down to look directly into Pinkie's eyes.
"Yep!" Pinkie confirmed as she reached up into her mane for a moment. When her hoof reappeared it now held a bright yellow squirt bottle. "Do you want lemon on all three? I can also mix flavors!" Pinkie asked happily.
"Delightful. I really shouldn't have more than one, those things just go straight to my eyes, but where's the fun into being healthy?" Discord chuckled happily as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Can I get one bubblegum and one corn?"
"Sure thing! Give me just a moment." Pinkie said as she stuck the cones into the snow and reached into her mane once again, this time with both hooves. After searching for a moment, she withdrew two bottles, one faded yellow and the other bright pink. Picking up the lemon bottle with her mouth, she squeezed the bottles simultaneously, adding the perfect amount of syrup to each cone. Tossing all three bottles up into the air, she picked the cones up and presented them to Discord just as the syrup bottles fell into her mane and disappeared amongst the pink fluff.
"Here you go! Three snow cones for the Lord of Chaos!" Pinkie exclaimed excitedly.
Discord flipped the cones into his mouth, catching each one on a separate tongue before swallowing them whole. Humming in delight, he savored their flavor for a moment before spitting out the now flavorless snowballs. "That was delightful! The lemon was especially nice. Thank you, Pinkie. Now, where were we again?" Discord wondered before snapping his tail. "Ah yes! You were going to make some sort of escape? Or was that an attempt at bribing me to let you go?" Discord said, grinning in anticipation of the baker's next action.
Pinkie giggled in response. "Neither! Oh hey, have you met my pet alligator, Gummy?" She asked.
Discord could only blink at the non sequitur. "Erm, I think I did once, quite a few years ago. Why?" Discord respond with bemusement.
The Pink One giggled and suddenly back-flipped towards the bridge. Landing on a larger mound of snow, she smiled at the Lord of Chaos and struck a dramatic pose. "Because he's grown a lot the last few years. NOW GUMMY!" Pinkie excited shouted. Before our Lord could respond, the snow under Pinkie's feet exploded upwards as a creature twice her size burst forth.
Conjuring a breeze to blow away the floating powder, Discord beheld a most bizarre. Standing half buried in snow was a huge, yet oddly proportioned alligator. An alligator covered in thick blue cloth, wearing hot pink boots, and absolutely bristling with bright cyan party cannons. Turrets covered the alligator's back, each sporting three party cannon barrels.
"Behold my secret weapon! Battleship Gummy! OPEN FIRE!" Pinkie yelled from atop a crow's nest at the center of the gator's back. As the turrets began turning to point at Discord, Gummy opened his toothless mouth and let out a war squeak. The first trio of barrels fired as Discord ducked down into the snow, causing the snowballs to harmlessly burst against the drift.
A muffled snap! sounded, followed by a brief snow twister just a few feet off Gummy's starboard side. Three turrets quickly rotated and fired at the mini blizzard! Nine snowballs punched into the the snownado, causing it to scatter while they audibly piffed against something within.
Just as the micro storm began fading, two retaliatory snow cannonballs burst through the remaining powder curtain. One stuck Gummy's right eye, causing the living battleship to flinch, while the second knocked Pinkie out of the crow's nest and onto one of the port-side turrets. "Hold fast Gummy! Prepare a full broadside! I'll load the ultra lemon syrup!" Pinkie excitedly ordered her beloved pet turned war-snowship. Moving quickly she began loading snow and syrup into the starboard turrets.
A second volley of six snow cannonballs blew away the remaining blizzard. Revealing a chocolate pirate of roughly equal size to Gummy. A fishbowl sat on a pedestal in front of the ship's wheel, while Discord stood behind the six port-side ice cannons. "Since you brought your pet out to play, I felt it was only fair I do the same! Meet Clownbeard Q, the snow pirate!" Discord exclaimed with a gleeful grin.
"Hello Q! It's so nice to meet you!" Pinkie yelled happily, waving at the clownfish steering the ship. "I hope you like ultra lemon! Now Gummy! Make them pucker!" She excitedly ordered. In response, Gummy fired all five starboard turrets, forcing Discord to duck as thirty snowballs peppered the hull.
"Haha! Now this is a snow war!" Discord laughed, his voice fill with mirth and excitement. "Q! Bring us around to their port-side, let's show them what a real ocean goer can do!" Discord cheered.
It is at this point the sequence of events becomes very complicated. Over the next few hours, Discord and Pinkie recruited an ever grown number of creatures to their respective sides. Their war kept getting bigger and bigger until almost every creature within a mile of our dear town had joined at least one side. Discord and his generals soon controlled the entirety of the School of Friendship, while Pinkie and her army launched snow-tillery shots from both Sweet Apple Acres and Sugar Cube Corner.
By the time the sun began to set, every building in town had snow in places it had never had before and a quarter of the town was under snow. In an effort to prevent half the town from being buried in the cross fire, Mayor Mare attempted to broker a cease fire. Those cease fire negotiations are what established our great tradition, as it was agreed that the ceasefire would last exactly one day less than a full year.
Eventually, after the first Windigiggle formed from the concentrations of laughter and chaos magic, a landslide town vote renamed Hearth's Warming Eve to Heart's Warming. Few things can warm a lonely heart the way laughter can.
Author's Note
Thanks for reading my first mlp fanfic! Hopefully it was at least worth a small chuckle. Sorry if it feels very one sided in Pinkie's favor for most of it. I struggled to give Discord things to do that wouldn't instantly result in Pinkie's defeat. I'm also sorry the ending is abrupt and rushed. I kind of ran out of time, while also struggling with it just as much as I did the opening. sigh
Brainstorming and writing this was a lot of fun! Some parts of it did turn out to be more challenging than I expected. I lost track of how many times I completely rewrote the start. I'm still not happy with it, but it serves the purpose of setting the stage so whatever. I also had way too many ideas that just didn't make it in. Most of which I just couldn't seem to find the right words for.
I tried writing this in a sort of 3rd person narrated story book style. Kind of similar to how I tell stories to my tabletop groups. I don't think I managed to to stick to that style very well, and I know the dialogue isn't very good, or in-character.
I did learn a lot while researching and writing this! I think I have a much better understanding of the different flavors of 3rd person perspective now. I also discovered that my social anxiety issues will kick in when I am writing a story for someone I don't know, which is less than great but still good to know.
For those who are curious, I used the map of Ponyville provided in the Story of Seasons RPG supplement when writing this.
Also, the onomatopoeia PIFF was taken from Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes. SO credit to that far more talented individual for coming up with such a perfect sounding word.
I had to rewrite this after I lost almost everything 
aaaaaahhhhhh. I am the kind of idiot who forgets to click save. DX Clearly, I have been spoiled by programs which either auto-save every few seconds, or throw a big fat warning when you try to close or leave the page.
I will definitely write a bonus chapter later with snippets of all the ideas I originally wanted to put into this, but I either ran out of time to add, or I simply couldn't find the right place for.
Yikes this author's note is long. That wasn't intentional, but oh well.