Alright now, this is basically what my friends Night Shroud and Crazy Pie(I’ll explain later) told me. First off, I should explain that I knew them before I did that whole deal with Discord. We were pretty good friends, would hang out every now and again, play video games, that sort of thing. Their real names are actually Mikey and Trystan respectfully, but I gave them pony names so they might fit in a bit better. Their story on how they ended up here goes a little like this. They were at Cedar Point, which is a famous amusement park where we’re from, and the decided to go on one of the older, wooden rides. Some dumb ass must have dropped something on the tracks, or forgotten to do some maintenance, because from what I’m told, the car they were in went right off the damn tracks, crashing right into the parking lot. Most people walked away from it, but about five didn’t. you see where I’m going with this? Anyway, they said that next thing they knew, they were ponies(albeit, very beat up ones) and were just outside ponyville. Their first thought? To freak out about being ponies, obviously(as only one of them was a brony). Their second thought? To scream out the words to Hollywood Undead’s “Bullet” at the top of their lungs through the forest, in the middle of the GOD DAMN NIGHT! Sorry, I’m just kinda pissed off because thanks to somepony I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep that night, and I had worked all that day, and just wanted to get some sleep, but nnooooooo, I can’t even get that anymore…. Alright, anyway, they were doing that, and woke me up. Dashie and the kids are thankfully heavy sleepers(I guess that’s another thing they got from her, eh?) and thus they didn’t wake up. Now, when I was awake enough to realize exactly what was going on, I was confused out of my mind, for two reasons. The first is that Equestria doesn’t have an equivalent of Hollywood Undead(they’ve got something damn close to Shinedown though, which is good enough for me), the second being that their voices sounded vaguely familiar. I say vaguely because I hadn’t seen or heard from them in three, four years(on account of me being dead in our world), and thus had no fucking clue what their voices sounded like anymore. That, and how the fuck would they end up in Equestria anyway? I mean, seriously, it’s not like they fucked up the same way I did…….. Right? That’s for a later time. For right now, I went down there and was about to chew them out. Drill sergeant style. I landed right in front of them, one of them being light blue unicorn with black patches across his coat, and a brown mane and tail, and the other being a earth pony zebra(I don’t know if they have zebra unicorns and shit like that, so I’m covering all the bases) with a short(and I mean really short, like military style short) brown and black mane and tail, white stripes against….. “Is that….. Pink?” I asked. Not gonna lie, at first glance, you might have thought he was just a really butch mare. It was a really light pink, almost flesh, but not quite there. He seemed to get kinda pissed off at that question.
“Yeah damn it, it’s pink you fucking smart ass, I’ve been getting grief from this shit head all damn day about it.” he said, gesturing to the unicorn. “Now, was there a specific reason you came here? And I swear to god, if you say to ask if I was pink, I will murder you.” yeah, he has a bit of a temper. But I had authority.
“Whoa now, I don’t think you want to be threatening one of Celestia’s personal guards, now do you?” I asked, stretching my wings out for a moment. They really were quite intimidating wings, and they probably helped out a bit, causing them to take a couple steps back. “Now, I came down here to ask you two a couple que…. Wait a minute, did you say you swore to god?” yeah, it took me a bit to realize that, but shit happens.
“Yes sir, is there a problem?” asked the zebra again(now he fuckin’ respects me), to which I sighed and shook my head.
“Damn it, I told her no, I didn’t want Catholicism to be made public. Look kid, there’s no problem, but for the love of god, don’t go spreading it around, alright? Now, the other question I had was just what the fuck are you two doing out in the forest in the middle of the damn night?” I asked, and they just kinda looked at each other. Then the unicorn spoke up.
“look officer, we didn’t really want to be in the forest, we just kinda… woke up there.” he said, looking kinda nervous.
“what, were you guys partying to hard or something? Get a little to doped up?” I asked, to which they just kinda looked at each other, and shrugged.
“Not exactly. You see, we’re not really ponies. At least we weren’t. we just kinda woke up here, in these bodies. We have no idea what we’re doing here sir.” said the zebra again. I could only sigh.
“Alright, what are your names so I know what to tell the psych ward?” I asked, to which the answered almost instantly. I say almost because the zebra answered, and then I cut the other one off.
“Trystan, sir.” I froze. That’s not exactly a pony name, in case you weren’t aware.
“Well now… I don’t suppose you would happen to know a kid by the name of Christian, would you?” I asked, covering all the bases. I only knew one guy by the name of Trystan, so I figured it was a one in a hundred chance. Screw the odds, I have wings!
“Yeah…. How’d you know?” they both said at the same time, which kinda creeped me out. Then I laughed.
“Well I’ll be damned, how’ve you guys been? It’s been, what, almost four years since I put myself to the blade? What have you guys been up to since then?” I asked, which brought forth the most hilarious ‘dafuq’ moment ever. They both just kinda looked at me, confused as the first time I watched inception(yeah, that confused). “Guys… it’s me! I know you can’t exactly recognize me, but it’s me.” I told them. And this was the result.
“Celestia’s personal guard my ass! I’m willing to bet you’ve never even met any of the mane six.” said Trystan. Can you guess which one’s a brony? And can you guess what I came back with?
“Bitch please, I’m married to one of em. So, guessing by the accent, I’m gonna say you’re Mikey, right?” I only had one Puerto Rican friend(considering the fact that I only knew one Puerto Rican, I think I’ve done fairly well), and Mikey was it.
“Yeah, you fucking asshole!” he yelled jokingly “If I still had fingers, I‘d be flippin’ you off!”. Trystan on the other hoof was getting a bit more serious.
“Oh yeah, which one?” he asked. I guess we’d been kinda loud, because Dashie came to the window(and by kinda, I’m sure you can tell I meant we we’re being really damn loud) and yelled at us.
“Babe, keep it down, you’ll wake the kids!”
“Alright honey! Does that answer your question, Trystan?” I asked, being a bit more quiet. He just looked at me, dumbfounded. Then I saw the sun rising over the horizon. Damn, another night of sleep, lost. And then I noticed the smell of burning flesh(don’t ask). I looked over to see Mikey kinda burnin’ up. Now, this wasn’t the first time I’d encountered vampire ponies, or ponies who were just really damn pale, but the former doesn’t burn that slow, and the latter doesn’t burn that fast. “Hey, Mikey? Did something bite you while you were in the forest?” I asked, to which he only shook his head ‘no’. he seemed like he would be fine for the time being, and besides, it’s not like it was life threatening. He wasn’t burning like a funeral pyre or anything. Anyway, it was morning, and thankfully it was Dashie’s turn to take the kids to preschool, so I could show the guys around town, introduce them to the friends I’d made. “So, how’d you guys end up here, anyway?” I asked, and Mikey explained the whole thing, to which I only nodded. Unfortunately, somepony couldn’t get over a certain fact.
“Dude, there is no way you and Rainbow Dash are together, just no fucking way.” he said, obviously pissed off. You see, unlike me, he’d been a Rainbow fan from the moment he was shown the first episode. I’m sure you can see how that would be a problem in this situation. At least we weren’t in town when this started(considering they still didn’t have pony names) “I mean, what the hell, you were always an Applejack fan, why didn’t you hook up with her?” he asked, which was a damn good question. Until you thought about it, that is.
“Well, after a bit of a heart to heart with Dashie, I realized I had more in common with her than AJ. Me and her are good friends, however.” I said, chuckling a bit at his rage face(it was fucking hilarious, let me tell ya). Then we bumped into Pinkie. How she randomly showed up, I’ll never know, but it wasn’t good. As I’m sure you can guess, she just kinda leapt into the air, gasping as she did so, caught some major hang time, then bolted off. I could only sigh and shake my head. “Oh sweet Jesus, not again.”
“Ummm, could somebody explain what the hell just happened?” asked the non-brony, who didn’t have any idea who anypony was. Or that it was ‘somepony’.
“Alright, I’ll give you the basic rundown. First off, it’s ‘somepony’, not ‘somebody’. you’re gonna have to get used to that around here unless you want shit tons of easily avoidable weird looks. Second, that was Pinkie Pie, the resident party pony, and she is probably going to go throw you guys a welcoming party. Third, you two are gonna need pony names.” I said, giving them both a once over. This might be a problem. Mikey’s I could already figure out(given the whole possible vampirism thing, which we would need to get checked out), but Trystan’s would be a problem. He didn’t really have anything that made him stand out(in a good way, at least). I mean, I could think of a few special talents and names for him, but none of them would do him any favors, if ya know what I mean. “Alright Mikey, you’re officially Night Shroud. Trystan…. We’ll just call you Crazy for right now.” I said, trying to hold back a bit of a laugh.
“Oh hell no, I ain’t bein’ called Crazy for the rest of my life. I want something cooler, like-” I cut him off there, because I saw where he was going with it, and I didn’t like it.
“I swear to Luna, if you say ‘Dragonborn’ or ‘Deuce’ I will fucking cut you.”
“And what if I wasn’t going to say either of those?”
“You were. I know you better than that, bro. and neither of those would pass for pony names, anyway, so unless you’ve got something better, I would suggest just goin’ with the flow, alright?” I said, kinda angry. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t exactly in the mood for his shit at the moment. I mean, yeah, we’re bros and all, but he can get on peoples(or in this case ponies) nerves. Especially with his habit of trying to steal his bros girl. But that’s not important(I hope). What is important is what happened next.
“So… back in the forest, did you say it had been three or four years?” asked Night Shroud(referring to them by pony names from now on. Because I can.).
“Yeah, why?” I asked, not knowing where the hell his question was going. They just kinda looked at each other.
“Dude, we only heard about your death a couple weeks back.”
“……. and so you went to a damn amusement park?” I was, quite frankly, offended. I was also a bit suspicious, but I put that away for later.
“Well, something to get our minds off it.” said Crazy, kind of uneasy. The suspicion builds.
“Uh huh. RRRRiiiggghhht.” isn’t sarcasm awesome?
"So.... You still smoke pot?".... damn it Mikey.
A/N: if you're wondering what i was smoking when i wrote this, the answer is....... nothing. i was completely sober. Shocking, right?
For every pro, a con, for every con another con.
AN: alright everyone, the second chapter is here. I wasn't gonna start this until i was done with "The things i do for love", but i get kinda twitchy when i look at this story's file and pass it up. Especially when i get a good idea for it. And, so, this is my gift to you. use it wisely.
I grabbed him by his muzzle, then looked around to see if anypony heard him. Thankfully no one heard, or cared enough to approach us about it. Then I looked him in the eye. Little known fact: I smoked pot when I was human. Not a lot of it, but enough for some people to label me as a stoner. Go figure. Other little known fact: If Celestia figured out I smoked pot at any time in my life, I’d be fired sooner than you could say “I swear to stoned, I’m not Celestia”.
“Look here you loudmouth little fuck, we’re friends, sure, but nopony knows I used to do that, and if anypony does find out I will cut your balls off and sell them on the black market, do I make myself clear?” I whispered through gritted teeth…. Yeah. “If Twilight were to find out about that, I could lose my job.” I said, still holding onto his muzzle.
“If I were to find out about what?”….. SSSHHHHHIIIIIIT!!! I let go of Night Shroud’s muzzle, then turned around to see Twilight standing right there…. Fuck my life.
“N-Nothing, don’t worry about it, much more pressing matters to attend to.” I said, hoping to avoid that.
“Such as?” such as my successful derailment of your thought process, BIATCH! Alright, that was uncalled for… but it was fun.
“Well, you see, my friends here… aren’t exactly what they appear to be, if you catch my meaning.” I said, and I pray to god, Celestia and Luna, all at the same time she does. She was kinda standing there for a while(my guess is she was trying to figure out what I meant. Typical Twilight, eh?), and I couldn’t help but notice that Crazy was doing a bit of a fanboy stare.. Yeah. Wouldn’t you if you were in a decent position to without them asking you questions and shit? Anyway, I kinda nudged him to bring him back to reality, since he was starting to drool.
“Bro, she’s not going anywhere, she’ll be in town just as long as you, you don’t have to stare at her like you’ll never see her again.” I said jokingly, bringing forth an angry look from him, and a confused look from Twilight. And a nudge from Night Shroud.
“Hey bro, this who you were talking about?”….
“Mikey?”
“Yeah?”
“Shut the fuck up. Seriously what the hell would possess you to ask that question?” I said turning to him. This was not going to be going my way one bit.
“Wait a minute… His name is Mikey?” well, at least my derail was still successful.
“Yeah, and that one who’s still doing a fanboy stare is Trystan, we should probably go to the library if I’m gonna explain this.” I said, turning and kick Trystan in the knee. Not enough to do anything serious, but enough to get his attention. Did I ever mention how Trystan was an angry person? Because he was. And he is still angry. At the moment, he’s angry at me.
“The fuck was that for, asshole?” he said, getting in my face. Lesson one, never. Ever. Get in my face. I grabbed him roughly by his muzzle and twisted his neck a little bit until he started whimpering.
“First off, we’re leaving. Second off, I don’t know if you remember this, but I am captain of Celestia’s personal guard. You have no idea how many times I get punk ass kids getting in my face, and I can’t do jack shit. After a while, you want to just break the first pony to get in your face off duty in half…” I said, purposely trailing off, making him panic a bit.
“Blade, stop it. Your going to hurt him.” Twilight said with a cold authority…. That was one of the shitty things about my job. From top of the food chain to the bottom of the barrel, it’s: Celestia, Luna, Twilight, me.
“Yes ma’am.” I said just as coldly as I let him go. “Now lets go, before fanboy here get’s any ideas.” I said, giving him a joking shove. Funny thing about me and my friends: we can go from being at each others throats over something(and I mean like getting into a brawl over a girl) to being boys again in a matter of minutes. We’re just weird like that. Anyway…. Where was I again? Oh yeah, on our way to Twilights house. Well, when we got there, we walked inside and sat down throughout the room.
“Would you like anything to drink?” she asked us all. Now, Twilight started drinking about a year ago(on her eighteenth birthday), so I figured she’d have some of the good stuff around.
“Do you have anything strong around? Whiskey, vodka, anything like that?” I asked hopefully. She only shook her head and chuckled.
“Don’t you remember what happened the last time you were drinking in my house?” she asked….. She always had to bring that up, didn’t she?
“Hey, it wasn’t the last time I was drinking in your house, it was the last time Rainbow got drunk, so you can’t pull that one on me.” I said, half joking, half defensive….. I’ll tell you guys that story some other time. Lets just say that some bad shit went down when me and Rainbow started dating, and leave it at that for right now.
“You…. Have a point.” she said as she levitated down a few shot glasses and a bottle of Applejack Daniels(am I the only one who notices the coincidence there? Seriously, nopony else does) and filled the glasses.
“So, is it just me and her drinking, or are you guys gonna join us?”… did I even have to ask?
“Son-” alright, I had to cut him off there. You see, Crazy was part red-neck. Being part red-neck, he had a habit of calling some of his friends that were younger than him ‘son’ or ‘kid’. I was older than him now though. Epic win.
“Not anymore, kiddo.” I said as Twilight magicked me my glass, and I drank it. “Now I’m the one calling you son, son. Twenty years old round these parts.” I said with a smug grin and a chuckle.
“Whatever, anyway, you know me better than to ask that.” he said with a laugh.
“How bout you?” I asked, looking towards Night Shroud.
“Nah, I’m good.” he said. He never was much of a drinker.
“Alright then, get this man a glass.” I said, gesturing towards Crazy. Twilight obliged and hoofed him a glass. An empty glass. “Oh, you cruel, cruel mare.” I said jokingly.
“Captain, do I have to court marshal you?” she asked…. I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not. Just so you know… she could have me court marshaled for damn near anything.
“N-No ma’am!” I said, snapping to attention with a salute…. Then she just broke out laughing. She was cruel…. To cruel…. I sighed heavily and shook my head. Then I remembered something. “Shit, we gotta hurry this up, or else I’ll be late.” I said. Normally, I was fine with being late… but this was one thing for which tardiness was not acceptable by my standards.
“Still keeping that promise, I see.” Twilight said emotionlessly. I nodded. “Alright, then lets wrap this up. Who are these guys, and how did they get here?” she asked, to which I decided to save time and give their names(both their human names and the pony names I had come up with) and their story of how they got here, then I looked at the clock. 5:30.
“Shit! I gotta run, guys, I’ll be right back.” I said as I galloped towards the door. I turned back right before I opened it. “Don’t get any ideas while I’m gone. If I hear anything bad about you guys from her, I will personally whoop both your asses.” I said. I didn’t wait for a reply before simply walking out the door and taking to the sky.
