It’s all here in your past

It was freezing out! How long was this surprise supposed to take?! I wished I had a warmer coat. Rarity recommended this jacket for looks not fighting the elements. All I could do was stomp my feet into the snow a little harder, hoping that the intensity of the movement would give life back into them.

A small spark of warmth trickled its way into my numb toes and a little comfort was found. Until the large gust of freezing wind stole all the warmth from my body and sprinkled me with a light snow dusting.

“AJ!”

“Soon! Just one more minute, I promise.” She sounded out of breath, like she ran a marathon in that barn. What in the world was she up to?!

I glanced away from the barn, watching the wind pull the snow into a whirling frenzy then let it drop to fall once more. There was something about the feel here and the cold that made me remember Canterlot. Not the gilded halls, nor the many warm shops but the vacant cold streets at night that few ponies tread at this time of year. It was a place where the unlucky few clung desperately to whatever warmth they could find. Some of us had to call it home.

“Alright, Sunset, come on in, and keep yer eyes closed.” Her thick country accent normally warmed me right up but I could do with some cocoa at that moment.

“Alright, but if this is some sort of Pinkie surprise Christmas party…” I stepped into the barn, leaving the harsh wind and the old thoughts outside. I heard the shifting of boots in the dry hay but it was only one set. I was a little relieved. Pinkie parties are fun but I normally get overwhelmed at the attention if I’m the guest of honor.

“Ok, ready? Now!” Applejack shouted as if someone was about to detonate a building. I chuckled at the thought of AJ in a hard hat plunging an old fashioned detonator box.

I opened my eyes and was hit with an explosion of light. It was the largest Christmas tree I had ever seen, barely fitting into the large barn. Or at least I always thought it was large. The tree suggested my perceptions might be wrong.

It sparkled with dozens of soft amber lights, making the entire place feel like a quiet woodland scene. Somehow it was the old fashioned Christmas they used to paint in greeting cards. I half expected a cherub to appear or a giant “seasons greeting” to be floating above it.

“How?.. What? I .. don’t know what to say?”

“You don’t have to say anything. As for the how, it took a bit of doin’ but I managed to find this here old tree in the back of the orchard. It wasn’t going to last this winter with the type of storms we got coming so… why not bring it here for our Christmas together? Big Mac and Apple Bloom helped with the lights some..”

A scuffling in the corner of the barn caused us both to pause. She froze red faced momentarily but quickly turned away from the corner. “I told you two to stay clear! No spying on my Christmas date.. ya varmints!” She spun face the offending corner but the sounds of two sets of feet running off followed by a deep chuckle calmed her down.

“Guess they wanted to see how well your surprise went,” I said with a disarming tone.

“Can’t just mind their business… but uh.. I reckon I’d like to know that too..” She faced me again, all the anger draining from her and an odd look of uncertainty graced it.

I made sure her face regained her color and then some with a nice gentle kiss. It was odd seeing her act so enamored. When we first started dating I thought it would be like we were just friends. Just two pals hanging out with some occasional affection here and there. But things got more serious after high school and now it felt more like I was part of her family.

“Well, uh I suppose that’s what I was aiming for…” Applejack smirked. Then pointed to the ambience in front of us. “I was kind of going for your childhood home or uh foalhood?”

“My foalhood?” Applejack wasn’t one to pry into my past, but if I thought about it she had been telling me a lot about her family lately and their traditions. I thought it was a way to help me fit in more but it would be just like her to share information with the hope I would return the favor. I hadn’t said much about my time in Equestria, I hadn’t said much about Equestria at all to her.

“Yeah, you were a pony right? And they celebrated some sort of season like this right? So I figured…” She mumbled off into some strange country sounding fumbling.

“Oh! Oh AJ!” The thought never crossed my mind. She had no concept of where I came from and what Equestria was. “We were ponies but we didn’t live in a barn! Not that it’s bad but.. we had houses and castles and cities just like humans do.”

“Yay did?” I think the concept of a pony house nearly broke the poor farmer’s brain. “Uh the idea of ponies not in a barn… so why don’t you tell me what it was like? Tell me something nice from your foalhood. It weren’t all bad, was it?”

“No, no it wasn’t.” I pulled her close as we sat in front of the tree. “Equestria is a magical lovely place… if you’re part of the right group.”

She cocked an eyebrow and I took a settling breath. It was time to start sharing.

The streets of Canterlot gleamed in the snow like they did every year. It was cold, a lot colder than it had been before and I wondered if somehow the Windigos had escaped their story and were following me around.

When you’re a homeless foal in Canterlot they usually placed you in an orphanage or some sort of shelter to keep you safe. But those places could be colder than the streets in a way and far more dangerous so I avoided them. Instead I used my magic to help keep myself going on my own.

I focused on locking spells, or in most cases unlocking spells. I never took more than I needed and tried not to take things that ponies wouldn’t immediately notice. It wasn’t a fun existence but it kept me off of the guard’s radar.

What it didn’t do was keep me warm. I had a good coat I had “acquired” from a surplus coat store but it could only fend off the chill so much. Constant movement and continued use wore it down and the wind found all the holes in it.

The night was getting colder, and the jacket wasn’t fixing itself. I needed to find a nice warm place to stay and I needed it quick. Having magic doesn’t stop you from freezing to death.

The brightest light that night was coming from the large castle of Celestia itself. Of course as a pony that kept a hoof ahead of the law I knew that’s where all the security was as well. But I was really young and that light looked so inviting, I wondered what it would be like to feel it. So I crept closer.

The watch guards at the tower were mostly huddled into their small station and looking for much bigger threats. I was able to crouch low and sneak in unnoticed. But once in the castle walls I had to find a place to hide and warm up quickly. I doubted the guards would be as vigilant but a dark spot moving along a white street could be easily seen from the ramparts.

Surprisingly I found an unlocked door in the back of the castle. If there were any guards they didn’t notice me. They were probably too busy trying to keep warm. A small foal wasn’t really a threat anyway. But at the time it felt like I could easily become public enemy number one.

I was inside, I was warm. It was like a thousand little heaters filled my body and sat it next to a fireplace. Trust me it was great. When you have hooves it takes a bit longer for them to get cold compared to feet. But when they were cold it was bone deep and came with an ache that shook your entire body.

My first thought should have been finding a place to hide for the night. But the smells of food were so strong I couldn't help but follow it. It seems I found the kitchen area or at least one of them. I didn’t know how hungry I was until the royal kitchen spread out before me. Luckily it was vacant. I found the urge to dive headlong into some pastry that was huge.

My little legs trembled as I beheld the three tiered, soft, creamy cake with its many sprinkles. I think it would have given Pinkie Pie a run for her money. I knew I should only take what could be missed, but the gloss of that white cake was calling to my soul.

I was a few hoofsteps away when I heard the noise of somepony rummaging nearby. Immediately I dove under the table that held the mighty prize. Hopefully whoever it was would go away and I could just sneak a crumb of it off. But the sounds got louder and it wasn’t long before the pony that made them was standing right by the table.

I couldn’t tell who, I didn’t know any pony but they stood over that cake mumbling to themselves. “Oh my what a precious little delight. I’m sure no pony would mind if I just had a few slices. They could forgive just a little cheat like that. I haven’t got that heavy as of late, just a few pounds really and I will exercise all day tomorrow. Yup, it’s on my schedule. Now where are the knives…”

I quickly tried to find a way out of there when I saw the knives right next to me. I had a fraction of a second to realize what was going to happen when the pony’s large head and flowing mane appeared next to me.

“Ah ha found … you?” Her eyes were initially on the block of knives next to me but they found me with no trouble. I froze, throwing my hooves over my head. It was the first time I got caught and I expected the unicorn to be angry and haul me off to jail herself.

“Oh dear you’re not supposed to be here are you?” She said it in a much quieter tone than I expected. “Well neither am I. So we couldn’t possibly have seen each other if we weren’t here.”

I didn’t know what she was talking about but she didn’t sound angry. I looked up between my hooves to find she was none other than Princess Celestia herself. “And since we’re not here, I don’t see who could have eaten this delicious cake. Cake has no calories at all for those that aren’t here right?” She added with a wink.

I didn’t know what calories were but she seemed so inviting and so cheerful I couldn’t help but snicker. Slowly I crept out from the table looking for any other princesses lurking around. Of course I knew there was only one at that time.

“So accomplice, how much should we eat? It would be a shame if any evidence was left, of course that much cake could cause a tummy ache. Hmm such a dilemma.” The knife she had grabbed hovered through the air at different angles. “Maybe if we cut it in uneven pieces it would look like rats got it, not a hungry Princess and friend.”

She thought of me as a friend? She didn’t even know my name. But that’s what I thought and as a filly it made perfect sense.

“I think we should just take half… maybe leave a trail of crumbs to the guards so they’ll be blamed instead, don’t you?” She smirked as the knife sliced the cake evenly into two large halves. I didn’t know what to say but she bisected one of the halves and slid its plate conspiratorially toward me. I started to eat it. After all, they couldn’t blame me if I wasn’t there.

“Mmmm… yes this vanilla and lavender filling is just what I needed. Perhaps we should get some-“

“Princess Celestia?” A gruff voice called out through the dark. They were outside the kitchen calling her.

“Oh crud. Hide!” The large pony vaulted under the table and I joined her. There was no way we wouldn’t be spotted but she tucked herself under as if she could mold her body into the shape of the table itself.

“Oh my..” the guard cried as he easily saw us. “Princess? Are you alright?”

“Drat! He found me again!” The princess said with all the melodrama of a pony that couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. “That’s right! I took this cake, me and … what’s your name dear?”

“Sunset Shimmer,” I giggled.

“Yes Sunset and I are the bandits you seek. The cake bandits of the Canterlot! Throw us in chains, boil our horns, you’ll still not get a modicum of remorse from us! The cake was too delicious not to steal. It’s the chef’s fault.” She threw her body in front of the guard and I did the same.

“Don’t ever become an actress Princess,” he muttered. Then he spoke louder. “Besides we don’t boil unicorn’s horns for eating their own cake. Now the foal on the other hoof…”

“She’s my accomplice! Any fate bestowed on her must also be bestowed on me.” She sat up, placing her large body between me and him.

“Fine. Baths for both of you. And fresh clothes! Now get moving, you knaves.” He pointed towards the exit of the kitchen.

The princess walked away like a prisoner in chains and I followed just as grimly. The guard had a hard time keeping the smile from sneaking back under his mustache.

After that the Princess made sure I was safe and cared for. Years went by and I became a young mare. She’d spend as much time with me as she could. She taught me more magic than just the unlocking doors and small amount of teleporting I used. It was like a dream come true.

But just like dreams fizzle when you wake, mine began to fizzle as I heard the grumblings of the guards and other diplomatic ponies that visited.

“The princess took in some riff raff and is acting like she’s her daughter.”

“What’s a unicorn like that doing in a castle? She can’t even brush her mane properly.”

“Does she expect some beggar girl to lead the royal procession? Why couldn’t she use my daughter? She has a fine coat and much cheerier disposition.”

I tried not to listen but the words cut deep. How could I, a homeless orphan, hold a candle to these noble’s fillies and colts? I wasn’t somepony important, I was only a beggar before. I didn’t have the grace, or the air of some important pony. It began to eat at me, and the Princess was quick to sense it.

“You know my little beloved filly,” she was always calling me that. “Magic is everywhere. Everything that empowers another has magic to it. Some are empowered by great works of art, or stories, others the feeling of a paint brush in their mouths. It is that magic that flows through us to create our cutie marks. Sadly not all use that magic for good. Just as it can be used to empower another it can also be used to depower them. Some of the most powerful magic is found in words.”

‘They have the power to cut, to hurt but also the power to heal and fulfill. There are some words when heard can make all the doubt, loneliness, and past pain melt away as if it was a distant memory.”

She was talking about words of power. Some form of magic that could take away all my doubts and pain. They must have strong magic to do that.

“What words are they, my Princess?” I asked, hoping that she’d share this secret knowledge with me. As much as I adored her and being her apprentice there still so much pain and doubt. I needed those words if I was going to stay by her side.

“Sadly, I can not tell you. You must find them yourself.” She looked so defeated and small. As if the very knowledge of them caused such a burden that she could barely stand.

I began to search. Everywhere in the castle, through every magic tome, through all the history books, something had to show me where these powerful words were.

Celestia didn’t speak much more of them, but I would find clues on my bed. Things like stuffed hearts or a new dress. Sometimes it was just a note saying she believed in me. She was encouraging me to find the answer but I couldn’t put the clues together. Maybe I was just a useless beggar filly after all.

Finally one Hearths Warming, I found her standing by the tree, holding a present. She looked nervous, like this was a big moment. Perhaps it was finally time, she was going to share her knowledge with me.

“Happy Hearths Warming Sunset,” she began with a small shake in her voice. I finally made it. I was ready.

Slowly she hovered a package to me, it was shaped like a book. The paper glittered in the soft tree lights. I took the package with my magic. The small tag on it said “To my loving daughter.” It was the first time she ever called me that. I didn’t think of it at the time, but I suppose I was kind of like her daughter. I assumed she was telling me we were equal in our knowledge now that I had the words.

The paper fell off in a heap, the small tag fluttering through the air to join it. It was a book with a large pony’s head on the cover, a sparkling jewel twinkled in its eye. It was definitely heavy, there must have been many words of power or there were complicated explanations of each one.

I’m sure you know where this is going, you’ve seen the book before. I opened it, half expecting light to shine out from its holy pages. Instead it shone with the reflected gloss of a blank white page. All the pages were just as empty. There was nothing in the book at all.

“Uh… guess it won’t take me long to read,” I said with less than enthused chuckle.

“It is a book that can communicate to me when you write in it. If we are seperated, for whatever reason, we can still talk through the book. I hold the other you see.” She pulled out another book with the same crest.

“Thanks… I guess,” I didn’t know what else to say. I was so broken-hearted I felt sick. She wouldn’t share the words with me at all.

I think that’s when I started to get angry with her. Why tell me about these powerful words if they weren’t the key to finding my place in the world? Why give me riddles and clues all my life but watch as they steered me in a thousand wrong directions? How was I supposed to make the loneliness and pain go away if she withheld the secret? Why call me her daughter then treat me as if I was any other student?!

The last thought hurt the worst and I left for my room with Celestia silently watching me. It was the worst Hearths Warming ever. It wasn’t long after that Celestia showed me the mirror to this world. I thought at the time that maybe it was the final piece. She couldn’t tell me the words because I had to find them over here. So I came over here soon after and I’ve been searching for the words. Of course I never found them and the longer I searched the more angry I got. Eventually I thought maybe if I had an army of teenagers that could conquer Equestria I could force the Princess to tell me them. But you saw how that turned out.

As I finished the story I felt uncomfortable. My failure to find the magic I’d been looking for wasn’t something I thought about in a long time. I had shifted my focus to friends and being a better person and the words I was looking for seemed less important. Applejack sat still and silent. It was hard to admit that I had turned out to be the big failure those high esteemed ponies whispered I was.

“Ya know.. I don’t know much about magic but the way ya made this Princess sound, do ya think she could have been talking about words themselves?”

My face fell and for the first time in a long time I felt flushed. I felt a sweaty chill run through me as the possibility of being completely wrong hit me like a star dropping suddenly from the sky. Had I been wrong all this time? “Wha…?” was all I could utter.

“Well, I ain’t saying it’s so.. but words do have power. I know when you first told me ya loved me, man, it felt like my entire life had meanin’. All that hurt from my parents dying and all the mean things people said about me and you… they weren’t gone in a flash mind you, but they definitely felt really far away. And then everything kind of sparkled for a while. Like I was the tallest, most apple laden tree in the whole orchard. Do ya think she meant something like that?” Applejack gently placed her hand on my shoulder. She was beet red, well apple red for her.

“She was talking about normal words being magic?!” I felt a pain in my heart like no other. I had been angry at her for so long over a secret she already shared.

“Maybe. And if ya look at all the things she said to ya after, could be she was trying to tell ya those words that might make ya feel like that. I mean I don’t know much about stuff like this and pony stuff might be different but calling ya her daughter sounded awfully important… I know it would have been ta me.” AJ knew. She understood what it was like to be an orphan. It was a pain we shared, though she had family to fill the place her parents left, it was never the same. Had Celestia been trying to do the same for me?

“Oh my god!” The full gravity of it nearly brought me to tears. “I I was so focused on the empty book I I didn’t even think about that! What did I do?! I must have broke her heart right then and there?!”

“Calm down, Sunset, it was a long time ago. She’s probably gotten better by now. From what Twilight said it didn’t sound like she was suffering.” Applejack shifted closer for an embrace but I couldn’t sit still. How could I have been so blind to it all? Magical words?! It sounded so dumb I could barely breathe.

“I I I have to go back!”

“I’ll get us warmer coats.” Applejack didn’t even try to argue. Family was something that was paramount to her. If a member was in trouble, cold, sleet, skin tearing wind wouldn’t stop her.

She reappeared from the house with two of the warmest coats I’d ever seen. One was green and orange with an apple embroidered on it. The other was red and adorned with a sun.

“This was yer Christmas gift anyway. Them coats you wear look real good and all but they can’t be that warm. Thought ya might want one that could keep the chill of the farm out.” She tossed it to me and we both headed out the door, leaving the beautiful soft glow of her tree for the dark grey of the snow filled night.

The world was blur, I tried not to think of all the little things Celestia had done for me. But the memories were too thick. I felt like by accessing one I opened a floodgate to thousands of little moments that had such significance if I had just paid attention.

The statue appeared before I knew it and Applejack stood a little sullen in the snow. “Come back when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for ya.”

“AJ you’re coming too.” I said, grabbing her hand.

“Ain’t I already there?” She looked like her mind was about to crack from mental strain.

“Don’t think of it as you. It’s just a pony that looks, talks and acts like you. You two make different choices and have slightly different tastes.” I gave her a reaffirming hand squeeze. I wouldn’t be able to on the other side.

“I’m not sure I can-“

“I need you AJ. Besides I want you to see my home, and meet Celestia. You’re my girlfriend after all.” Another reassuring squeeze.

“Fine but we have ta get back tonight or at least tomorrow. My family wants us for Christmas too.” She stood up taller and straighter. A few steps and she was pulling me through the portal.

The world blurred and filled with speeding lights. I wondered if they were stars from space or if they were lights from other portals or lands. Maybe there were many mirrors like this that lead to many different worlds. I hoped in one of them I had gotten this right and didn’t spend so long angry and confused. We tumbled out in Twilight’s study.

“Celestia, we have to find Celestia!” I scrambled towards the door.

“Mind giving me hand… or is it a hoof first?” Applejack was trying to walk after me on stiff rear legs.

“Think crawling AJ. It’s a lot faster.” She dropped on her forehooves and slowly trailed after me. We were met with a large Hearth’s Warming party in the main hall.

“Sunset Glimmer?! What a pleasant surprise!” Twilight was first to notice me. Well the first to actually say anything. I’m not sure how many other ponies knew who I was. “Happy Hearth’s Warming!”

“Thanks! Where’s Princess Celestia? I have to talk to her.” I tried to make it sound less urgent but Twilight immediately became concerned.

“Has something happened? Should I call all the princesses?! Do we have magic trouble in your world?!” Her mane began to curl as she got closer. The poor mare was probably stressed out from the party as it was.

“Nothing like that. I just need to talk to her. It’s a personal matter.” I moved next to Applejack who seemed in shock.

“It’s a proper castle... no hay anywhere...” My girlfriend muttered as I got close.

“She just went to bed a few minutes ago. I can call for her.” Twilight glanced in the direction of a staircase leading out of the throne room.

“No thanks, have fun. I’ll find her myself.” I ran to the stairs, AJ fumbling behind me. I had to see her. I had to make this right. After all these years I had to show her I understood now. I knocked on door after door, why couldn’t Twilight have labeled them. Most of them rang hollow but a few had disgruntled ponies behind them.

“Uh Happy Hearths Warming!” I said to the wronged ponies. I probably looked like a mad mare. It was really awkward when AJ opened the door.

“Uh .. what in the hay?!” The farm pony cried.

“Who is it AJ?,” a familiar voice called from inside the room.

“A pony I ain’t seen before… and me.” The confused Ponyville Applejack said wide eyed.

“Uh it’s just a dream Applejack! Go back to bed.” I told her while my AJ looked like she was going to pass out. “Come on … honey.”

Applejack found her footing as I pushed her away from herself. The door behind us closed and I moved on to the next. The farm girl turned pony swooned and swayed unsteadily as I knocked. I held her close to hold her up.

“Hello?” The door opened and the large gleaming form of Princess Celestia stood there in all her glory. It was a sight I hadn’t seen in years. All the frustration and angst I had with her returned instantly but evaporated as I remembered the truth. “Sunset?”

“Hi” I began. How was I supposed to tell her? How was I supposed to apologize for years of anger that was never her fault. How could I say I was sorry? Was sorry good enough? There was should be a word that was stronger than sorry, strong enough to express all the regret I felt in my entire being at the hurt I caused the mare in front of me.

After all my years of searching I still hadn’t found the words I needed to say. I knew she needed to hear them but which ones? Poor Applejack couldn’t help she was too awed by the royal presence alone. I bet she would never look at horses the same way again. But it didn’t matter, the words had to come from me. I had the power to heal the hurt. I just needed the right words.

“Uhh Happy Hearths Warming … mom…”