How to bake a Wallflower Pie
It was a slate grey, slushy December evening within the town of RockVille. Though, town was quite the strong word for a single family farmstead and a train station, but nonetheless it was a town all the same.
And if you were to follow the still flying snow flurries down from their cloud beds, you’d quickly be swept up within the sudden haste of a smog smoking train.
The old beast, better suited for orange desert’s and pistol slingers than this frozen wasteland, marched forward on its tracks, sending black plumes of smoke to rest against the sleet-heavy sky.
And within the coal-black belly of the train, bundled up together, peering out a frost-covered window, were two individuals both of whom were shaking for separate reasons.
The first of whom a green colored girl, who wore three layers of drab looking sweaters with an all around unassuming look. She sat, half way curled in on herself with the open half turned towards her partner, worriedly picking at her lips as she looked around at the empty train car.
Her companion, however, a bright bubbly bubblegum pink girl, who no one could miss even looking from five miles away, practically vibrated next to her solemn-faced girlfriend. Fidgeting with her jacket, her skirt layers, looking out the window every other second. This trip meant something to her. Meant everything to her, some might even guess.
With a piercing whistle the train pulled to a screeching stop outside a dilapidated station, and before Wallflower could even get a word edgewise, Pinkie had pulled her from their seat and ushered her out the train, bags in tow.
Within seconds, they were outside, the train rapidly pulling away now devoid of all its passengers, bag’s sat on their feet.
A navy blue, faux wooden paneled station wagon parked just outside the train station, looking like it just rolled fresh off the set of a 90’s christmas movie. All it was missing was a comically oversized tree strapped to the top.
Wallflower walked, moreso was pulled, towards the car and its four figures, resisting the urge to bite her already stubby fingernails into dust.
Pinkie, however, was waving her free hand so fast that just looking at it could make your shoulder hurt. “Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Limestone! Hi Marble! Hi Maud!” She chipperly breathed out in a single string of excitement.
Skidding to a halt mere inches from her family, Wallflower awkwardly hit Pinkie’s back before stepping back and giving everyone an even awkwarder wave. “Hello…”
“These are my sisters; Limestone, Marble, and Maud!” Pinkie zipped around to each subsequent sister, pulling Limestone’s face in a smile, peeking over Marble’s hunched shoulders, and hanging off Maud’s back like a koala.
Before then zipping off in a cartoonish puff of smoke to the stone-faced duo standing like rusty robotic soldiers next to the car.
“And these are my parents! Igneous rock and Cloudy Quartz! But we just call them mom and dad.” Pinkie adorably squeed.
“Please, Pinkamena, we can introduce ourselves.” Dad- Igneous Rock, calmly nodded to his daughter before addressing her plus one. “Hello, Wallflower. It is pleasant to make your acquaintance.”
“Y-yes. Yes sir! It is nice to meet you as well.” Wallflower thrust a hand forward in good will, which Igneous took and gave a rigid and firm, one-two shake.
“It is most enjoyable to finally meet you as well.” Cloudy Quartz blankly stated, tone and face as dead as a rock in the bottom of a lake.
Limestone’s scoff and flippant “whatever,” echoed in the empty parking lot before she called over from over the side of the car. “Can we head home now? I’m starvingggg.” She whined.
“Help your father load their luggage and then we can go.” As if already knowing Wallflower would protest, Cloudy Quartz turned to address her specifically, “Wallflower, please sit in the middle, as the car is prone to tipping.” And without any further explanation, she walked to the passenger side and got in.
Wallflower, still trying to get a word into the empty space Cloudy Quartz left behind, was quickly manhandled in the middle seat of the station wagon, scrunched between a silent Marble and a stoic Maud.
Not knowing how else to keep her anxiety from spiking any higher, Wallflower started counting Maud’s blinks. Just to make sure she was human of course.
“This is Boulder.” Blink. “ He is a magnesium-rich basalt rock.” Blinked again. “He turned 2041 last month.” Blinked twice then turned to face forward in her seat.
“Oh… uh. Hello Mr. Boulder?” Wallflower reached out a hand awkwardly, getting no reaction for a very long two seconds, then shyly put it aside and wiped it in her jeans instead.
“He is a rock. He can’t shake hands.” Maud unblinkingly looked at Wallflower. “He appreciated the gesture.”
“R-right. Sorry.” Wallflower inwardly cursed herself, two seconds in and she’s already making a fool of herself. Great.
Pinkie, unable to contain her excitement for a moment longer, stood up as much as she could from the back seat and squealed, “this is going to be the bestest Christmas vacation ever!”
Then, quickly turning around to speak to an invisible camera, she took on an infomercial voice to speak to no-one in particular. “-Not at all tied-too or anyway related to the 1989 film of the same name directed by Jeremiah S. Chechik.”
“Sit down, you’re gonna go flying through the windshield again,” Limestone grumbled, pulling the back of Pinkie’s shirt to make her sit as she and her sister sat in the very back row with their bags.
“Aw, are you getting sedimental, on us Limestone?” Pinkie emphasized, leaning into her sister.
“Gross eugh.” Limestone pushed her sister back making Pinkie laugh, before letting her use her shoulder as a head rest anyway.
Wallflower would have anxiously rubbed her temples to ease her gnawing headache, but with both Maud and Marble squished on either side of her, she couldn’t move without disturbing either or both of them, which left her trapped in a state of polite society and her burden of never being a burden, even an inconvenience, to anyone ever.
It was a very, very, very, long car ride.
But the light at the end of the tunnel thankfully came to end her misery. Though it was less a light and more a drab looking home in the middle of nowhere. It was a fat, squat house, painted a bleak soot grey, from the stone base to the wood trim, with an old, but well-maintained, fence encircling the front yard, if it could be considered such.
It was at least an acre from the gate to the porch, filled with sporadic mounds of rocks, stones, pebbles, until the precipice, the piece de resistance, came to head with a oblong tall boulder just a few yards from their front door.
Pulling into the only bright structure around, a dim-white, open-air carport, Wallflower couldn’t help but keep her eyes firmly planted on the massive boulder. Looking over Marble’s head and shoulders to keep some parts of it in view.
Which led to an awkward moment of trying, and failing, to not speak over each other as both Marble and Wallflower tried to apologize for bothering one another.
“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-“
“No it’s alright let me just-“
“No, no, I was the one in the wrong-“
“No you’re perfectly fine-“
“Let me move out of your way-“
“It’s okay you really don’t have too-“
“Girls,” Igneous Rock called from the front seat, looking at the two fumbling girls through the rear view mirror. “We’ve arrived.”
“Right. Sorry. Thank you Mr. Pie.” Wallflower nodded, realizing that only Marble and her remained in the car, blushing once more as she let Marble get out first so she could get out from the same door.
But just as Marble stepped out a hand jerked out and grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her taut to the car seat.
“See that boulder right there?” Wallflower looked out the passenger window at the very obvious boulder and nodded very carefully at Limestone’s words. “It’s Holder’s Boulder. Never, ever touch it and we’ll get along just fine. Capisce?” She asked, giving a very condensing pat to Wallflower’s shoulder.
Wallflower nodded fervently, only letting herself breathe again when she felt that hand slip away and the car door slam after.
Taking a moment, she gathered her courage and stepped out of the car and into the belly of the beast.
And immediately walked into Marble like a forgotten rake.
“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry-” Wallflower looked down instinctively for spills, she’s run into people holding coffee enough times she’s memorized all the different ways you can get it out of clothes.
Marble waved her hands up, also used to running into people, who also forgot her presence. “No, it’s alright please let me-”
“Nope, nope we are NOT doing this again.” Limestone marched over, grabbed Marble by the shoulder and placed her away from Wallflower then grabbed Wallflower by the sides and placed her the opposite way from Marble. “There. No more apologizing!” She huffed, grabbing Wallflower and Pinkie’s bags and taking them to the porch.
Marble looked at Wallflower. Wallflower looked at Marble. Someone coughed in the background.
“So you’re dating Pinkie?” Marble started.
“Yup.” Wallflower ended.
“And you like it?”
“Yup.”
Silence.
“And she brought you here for the holidays?” Marble desperately tried to continue the one sided conversation, realizing all the times she had been on the other side of this exact scenario and regretting all her choices.
“Yuppp.” Wallflower said, popping the p anxiously before deciding to actually continue her train of thought and put an end to this one word answer hell of her own creation. “It was a spur of the moment kind of deal. Pinkie has that way of drawing it out of me.” Wallflower mumbled, kicking around snow before she heard Limestone’s growl as she kicked a mound a bit too close to Holder’s Boulder.
A hardly audible Marble, not looking up from her shoes, quietly asked, “but what about your parents?”
“Oh, um. My parents are separated so I usually bounce between the both of them for the holidays but I really didn’t want to…” Go without seeing Pinkie? It’s the truth, yes, but would Marble even understand it? Would she get her internal fight in learning to let go of that childhood ideal of stability to trade in for seeing that smile every morning? “Ahem. I mean. I wanted to try something different this year.”
Marble nodded, rocking on the balls of her feet in thought while Limestone scoffed and crossed her arms. “Whatever. As long as you don’t touch Holder's Boulder.” She gave Wallflower a mean glare and growl, “I’m watching you.”
Wallflower watched as Limestone slowly backed away, never once taking her eyes off her even after she stepped into the house backwards.
“She means well.” Wallflower jumped and swore, turning around to find Maud staring at her. “She is just not used to company.”
“I mean harm! So much harm!” Limestone called from somewhere deep within the belly of the house.
“Dinner is ready. I saved you a seat by Pinkie.” Then, just like her sisters and mother, Muad walked into the house without waiting for Wallflower to respond. She was really starting to see where Pinkie got it now.
Quickly remembering that she was on a time crunch, Wallflower hurriedly ran to the still open front door. Hopping her shoes off one at a time as she wandered around the front part of the house until she came upon the dining room, and quickly slid into the spot beside her pink paramour.
With a quick slip under the table, Pinkie moved to grasp Wallflower’s hand and gave a reassuring squeeze. Wallflower looked over to see if Pinkie had something to say, but she kept that small, steady smile on her face, only giving Wallflower an extra wide smile when their eyes met.
“Thank you for joining us, I have made our traditional Christmas dinner a day early to celebrate you joining.” Cloudy Quartz nodded towards the swamp brown soup resting in the center of the table. “Please, enjoy.”
Wallflower looked down at her own rock carved bowl as Pinkie lept up to ladle everyone their fill. A single rock rested in the center, an island within the watery brown liquid. She couldn't help but think of that one children's book
“This is one of my favoritest parts of Christmas, mom’s rock soup is the best! You’re in for a real treat, wally-wally-oxenfree.” Pinkie chirped over the sounds of spoons hitting bowls.
“Do you ever run out of nicknames?” Wallflower asked, taking a spoon as Pinkie offered it to her.
“Never ever in a million, bajaillion years, my founds-waldo,” Pinkie ended, booping Wallflower’s nose.
“Pinkie…” Wallflower blushed once more. “Not in front of your parents.”
Pinkie giggled but acquiesced, returning enthusiastically to her wolfing down her own soup.
Metal scratched against rock, soup met tongue, eyes wandered across the horizon of the table.
Silence. Sweet, dreaded, horrible silence.
“Sooooo,” Wallflower started, dropping her spoon in and out of the bowl to watch how it rippled. “May I ask how you and Mr. Pie met?”
Cloudy Quartz looked up from her soup and spoke with just the hint of a fond smile tugged at her lips. “We were chosen by the Pairing Stone and betrothed within a fortnight.”
Igneous Rock nodded in agreement, taking his wife’s hand with a memory gained grin as well as he recalled further. “The Pairing Stone decreed, "Thou shalt love one another." And lo, it was so.”
“Gag.” Limestone rolled her eyes from across them, likely having heard the story a million times before.
“Erm… are you sure there isn't, like, a choosing stick maybe?” Wallflower picked at her hand, not looking up as if to shrink down to avoid any conflict. “Or a plant or something? I don’t have… a great relationship with important stones.”
“Don’t worry Wally-polly, the Pairing Stone isn’t like that!” Pinkie reassured, sliding up to Wallflower and giving her a side hug. “And besides, I’ve got an insider tip that it already likes you,” Pinkie faked-whispered, and gave Wallflower a wink.
Wallflower blushed from the tips of ears to her cheeks, trying to shake off that giddy feeling in her stomach of approval.
“The Stone says when it’s time anyways,” Limestone leaned on the back legs of her stool, taking a quick sip of her rock soup.
“Six legs on the floor, Limestone.” Igneous Rock said, not looking up from his own soup as he took another sip.
Wallflower, already believing this dinner, this entire trip, to be one continuous catastrophic disaster, let her head hit the rock-hard table and mumbled against it. “This is why no one likes me.”
Cloudy Quartz, unable to contain her disbelief at this confession, put down her spoon and steepled her hands like a master dealer at blackjack who just caught someone counting cards. “And who claimed that balderdash to you, might I ask?”
Wallflower looked up, confused and a bit scared. She knew that tone of voice, anyone with a mother-figure would. That incriminating tone that could send even those in the deepest pits of hell into the corner for time-out, and Mrs. Pie just so happened to sound like their regional manager.
“Well- uh, erm.” Wallflower fumbled, sweating bullets as her pupils rapidly started to move around the room at mach speeds. Trying, and unable, to avoid anyone elses gaze.
“I understand if you are scared to confess their name, such lies often come with threats. Igneous,” Cloudy Quartz turned to her somehow even solemer looking husband. “Fetch the phone book will you? We will go by name and you need only nod if it's them. Marble, fetch the axe please, the heirloom one above the mantle, yes. Someone has insulted and fed deceit and lies to one of our own and I plan to personally rectify it.”
Wallflower sweated so much that she could physically feel it drip off her skin and hit the table. This was getting out of hand faster than kudzu in a forest.
“No one said that to me! At least, not since middle school,” she clarified. Taking the slightly matted pink-stitched hem on her sweater, she slowly grazed over the happy-colored blue thread. “It’s just, you know, one of those things no one has to say. I can just tell from looking at them.”
Suddenly, Cloudy Quartz abruptly stood up from her seat, making it scratch against the floor in protest, as she stared down her nose with the same ferocity as a war nurse deciding whether you were useful enough to be saved.
“No.” She uttered. Clear and concise.
“No?” Wallflower hesitantly repeated.
“No.” Cloudy Quartz sternly confirmed. “This kind of talk is not allowed within our household. It is especially not allowed for one of the few persons our daughters have brought home.” Wallflower flinched as she felt those grey eyes bore into her soul.
“You have not fallen into love, but rather been chosen. And though we have traditionally relegated the Pairing Stone to speak on such matters, I can assure you, that your future with our dear Pinkie Pie will be full of joy.” With a smile so thin and quiet most people would have missed it, Cloudy Quartz primly flattened any wrinkles in her skirt, and returned to her seat.
And before Wallflower had the chance to even begin to process her declaration, Igneous Rock cleared his throat and gave his two pebbles on the situation.
“As stated before, we appreciate all you’ve been for our daughter. If there is anyone who is feeding these thoughts please do not hesitate to tell us. You are family now, and family protects family.” He took a sip of his soup, deciding the situation was properly handled and buried.
Cloudy Quartz however, still had something to prove. Standing up from her side of the table, she turned to the cabinets and pulled an oblong rectangle out.
“We understood from Pinkamena electronic correspondence,” text messages, “that you would be unable to celebrate Hanukkah with your parents this year. We do hope that this granite menorah is sufficient for here.”
it wasn’t fancy, it wasn’t even engraved with anything, just a flat wide stone with eight candle holders and a raised stone in the middle to hold the ninth. Wallflower felt like crying right then and there.
“Oh! Oh! And I brought the candles!” Pinkie rummaged through her pockets for a moment before proudly presenting a wide array of candles. “I wasn’t sure which one you’d like best so I bought one of each kind! Birthday candles, graduation candles, retirement candles, even the limited edition Video Store bath and bodyworks candle!” Pinkie took a deep whiff of that one. “Smells just like a fresh VHS tape.”
Tossing that into the mass of pink she called hair, she took Wallflower’s hands and eagerly started to speak a mile a minute.
“And! And! I found the perfect recipe for those jelly donuts you talked about! I hope you don’t mind if they’re gluten free because gluten makes Limestone’s stomach hurt-“
“Oh bite me,” Limestone interjected.
“Bbbbbuttt I would be happy to make you a separate gluten added batch too! Oh and we can make latkes together, and spin dreidel- well, we’ll have to carve one first- do you think a stone dreidel will spin well? Hmm… You’re right, we’ll probably have to find a good stone for it first. Oh! Then we can-“
Wallflower, unable to contain this outpour of affection and love, pulled Pinkie from her collar into a bruise searing kiss right in front of her family.
Pulling away slowly, Wallflower blushed so hard it could have cooked an egg.
Pinkie, however, dazed with affection and love only looked into those green eyes and muttered, “Wow… if that’s how you kiss normally I wonder how you’ll kiss under the mistle-toad.”
“Don’t you mean the mistletoe?” Wallflower ventured, eyes flickering between Pinkie and her family.
“Nope!” Pinkie held up a ribbon tied toy missile attached to a fat toad. It blinked out of sync.
“Girls.” Igneous Rock cut through the moment like a hammer to a block of stone. “If we could hurry along to bed please? Dusk will be here soon and I’d rather not have to fight the mole people before christmas.”
“Wait what-“ Wallflower tried to get out before the whirlwind that is her girlfriend interrupted her.
“Okey dokey lokey! Come on bushy-bushy-plum-drop, let me show you our room!”
Then a flash that Wallflower would never be able to enunciate to anyone, not even herself, she was dressed for bed in a dual, drab bunk bed room, with all the Pie sisters asleep around her, except for her still vibrating girlfriend.
Wallflower looked up at the bottom of the bunk bed, the feeling of Limestones snoring rattling, not only the beds, but the walls of the house too.
The dying winter sun outside the window bathed everything in a sickly pale purple hue, like a fresh bruise just before it hurts. The clouds had parted, letting the last few minutes of warmth hit the home and its residents in a dozing breeze that lulled them to sleep.
Wallflower looked over at Pinkie who laid next to her, cramped almost on top of each other in a too-small bed, with scratchy thin blankets and rock stuffed pillows.
She had never before been in so much love, not only with Pinkie, but with life itself. Yes. She liked it here. With this girl, this family. She liked it here very much, she decided.
Awkwardly turning to lay on her sides, Wallflower took Pinkie’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Next year… Do you think we can celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas with both our families?”
Pinkie’s squeal could be heard for miles.
