The Gossip Scones

by Gavier

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rarity, Romance, Discord, Slice of Life
Length: 1834

What, truly, does it mean to love somepony? The two least qualified creatures in Equestria discuss over tea.

Discord struggles with a romantic conundrum. Would his beloved be happier without him? Tricky stuff if you're stupid, and boy is he.

Luckily, miss Rarity "falls in love with every third well groomed stallion she sees but hasn't held a stable relationship for longer than a month" Belle is there to help. She has surprisingly solid advise.

(This is a Secret Santa gift for Karkachu)

Published 2024-12-26 03:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-26 03:00:00 UTC

Chapter 1 - Teatime at Four

"Hi Rarity!" The mannequin's behind said.

Despite what the Ponyvillian gossip may tell you, Rarity does not screech. Especially not that day. She didn't even scream, really. It was more of a ladylike gasp.

She did not fall from her seat, either.

"Discord! Is there not a single ounce of decency in your body? I have a door and bell for goodness sake!"

Discord's drawn face grinned from the wooden rump. "No time for that!" it stared at her with charcoal eyes, grin waning. "Is Fluttershy with Applejack?"

Rarity just glared at him. "Yes. She loves her passionately and they're marrying in las Pegasus tomorrow." She turned and gestured him away with her hoof. "Now Ta! Shoo!"

Had she been looking at it, she would've seen his face contort into a visage of such deep betrayal and contempt that she would've been reminded of the time she arrived home three hours late to Opal's meal time.

At least he had the decency to use the bell and door when he came back, not ten minutes later.

And he brought scones! How delightful.

"Discord, what a delightful surprise!" Rarity said, ignoring the word repetition because she can't hear the narratorial voice.

"I am always a delightful surprise, my dear Rarity" repeated Discord, because he can.

Despite being the one lying, Rarity didn't quite believe him. "Come in, darling! Get comfortable. I was just brewing an early tea, can you believe it?"

"I can!" But he didn’t.

Despite the fact that it would've been funny, Discord restrained himself from getting too comfortable in Rarity's home. She had something he wanted, and worse, she could just say no again. He doubted any amount of scones would be enough to bribe her if she did.

He still had his legs up the table and chair reclined a little bit more than physics would like when she came back, because come on. A little bit of fun is good for the Spirit.

"Tell me, how have you been?" Rarity, unlike Twilight, figured that ignoring his antics tended to end them quicker. "I heard you traveled to Neighpal last week, how was it?"

"Cold" He deadpanned, contorting forwards. Still reclined, legs still up the table, he took his charging teacup by the horns. "And boring" He took a sip. "I really didn't see the appeal... At least nopony stopped me from installing a tropical resort at the Lhortse summit. Those monks could learn to have some fun for a change..."

"Mmh" Rarity gently stirred her cup, and smiled, letting silence fill the room for a couple of seconds.

Had it been anypony else, they would've found the moment nice.

"This is of catastrophic importance, Rarity. Vital!" He almost yelled, sitting upright. "I need to know everything Fluttershy hast told you about Applejack in your spa days."

Rarity gave him a lady's smile. Victory. "Why, that she is a wonderful friend, and that she's been helping her with a project recently." A pause. "But surely she's told you that much, has she not? I know you two share everything over tea too."

"Everything, except this one thing. Whenever I bring out the topic, she just smiles and tells me it's a secret!" He harrumphed, indignant. "I must get to the bottom of this."

"Wouldn't it be easier to simply ask Applejack herself?"

"Rarity, please. That filly would rather adopt Chrysalis as her pet before betraying somepony's trust... Furthermore! I don't care to know what they're doing, I like surprises!"

"And why, pray tell, did you barge into my house, scones in one hand and questions in the other?" Had it been anypony else, Rarity would've been confused. With Discord, she was mostly annoyed. And a bit confused.

He stared at his cup. "Well."

That perked her interest. Filling his cup back, she simply waited for him to continue. One must be careful with delicate topics, after all. Give the pony space to mull. Or draconequus, in this case.

"It's that, you know...” His gaze traveled all around her dining room.“I... You’ve seen Fluttershy, right? She’s a bombshell."

Rarity allowed herself a giggle. "Quite so."

"And Applejack has her whole cowgirl bara butch yuri magnet thing going on"

Rarity chose to remain silent, just in case.

"Well, thing is they've been spending more and more time together, and they'd be so cute as a couple. And I wanna know!" He adjusted his pencil skirt and took a notepad with PRESS written on it "You know. Follow the news. Be updated."

"Discord, dear. You and me both know neither Fluttershy nor Applejack would keep such a relationship secret. Especially from us, we'd be the first to know!"

"I know! Still—"

"Still, if they did want to keep it a secret, they're on their right to do so" She eyed him, gears turning. "Besides, you've never cared about anypony's love life before." Her smile turned predatory as she leaned forwards. "So tell me, darling, why the sudden interest?"

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!"

"Of course, of course." Rarity nodded, believing his lie wholeheartedly. Or pretending to for comedic effect. "But if you haven’t fallen in love with our dear apple farmer, then what is it?"

"It's just that—" Discord deflated.

A second Discord came from behind her chair with a sleek suitcase, folded the deflated one, put him inside it, and sat in his place. "It was supposed to be easy, Rarity." He looked at the window, wistfully. "Enter Discord, draconequus extraordinaire, be awesome, save the world, get the girl." He sighed.

"And have you?" Rarity said, referring to the save the world part.

"I suppose, in a way." Answered Discord, thinking she meant the get the girl part. "I'm happy with what we've got going on, but..." He sighed again, head slumped down on the desk.

"I have a feeling that you're not as happy as you claim to be, darling." Rarity stirred her tea. It was starting to grow cold, but she didn't seem to notice. "Have you talked with Cadance about this?"

Discord, somehow, managed to slump even lower. "Yes" His eyes stared at the pink teacup next to him. "She asked a lot of questions, got angry, and kicked me out."

Rarity frowned. "That doesn't sound like her." She stared at his moping face. "What did you do?"

Discord rolled his eyes. "She was nice about it, of course." The eyes landed on 4 and 1. "Told me to follow my heart and whatever." He popped them back in and moved his teacup five spaces.

Rarity eyed him, curious. "And what did she ask?"

"Mostly variations on 'Do you love her,' and a couple of the 'Will you stop that.' Princess's favourite, that one."

"And do you? Love her, I mean. Goodness knows you never stop being a nuisance."

"That's just the thing, I don't know!" He rose to whine better. "She's nice, and funny, and she cares about the things that really matter, and she likes to try new things..." One of Rarity's eyebrows rose ever so slightly at that. "And you know her, she's never afraid to speak her mind, assertive and always direct with what she wants..."

At this moment, Rarity realized that Discord only ever saw Fluttershy when Discord was nearby. This realization shook her to the core.

Discord, unaware, continued talking. "She's asked me to come over more often, to stay longer, to help with chores, but she's never told me she wants to be anything more than friends, even though she takes very long sips when we're talking about couples. So she's obviously thought about it!"

Rarity took a very long sip of her tea herself, remembering and mentally reviewing the many, many times Fluttershy had talked with her about Discord. "She has." She leaned in, resting her head on her wrist. "My dear friend does find you quite the sight."

Discord chuckled. "You don't need to try and make me feel better, darling. I know I'm hot as shit, anypony with eyes can see that" He flexed his arms. "And I already knew Fluttershy isn't blind, that doesn't change anything."

It was Rarity's turn to roll her eyes. "Don't be obtuse. She loves you!" Hers, however, stayed solidly within her skull.

"But what about Applejack?" Discord moved Rarity's cup a single space. "She clearly loves her too, and they're perfect for each other...."

"They truly are, are they not?" Rarity let her cold tea down. "They'd make such a dreamy couple..."

"Thing is, dear Rarity, that I want her to be as happy as she can be. I'm a big boy, I know I have a special place in her heart and that won't go anywhere" He grinned. "As her official best friend and confidant, you must be familiar with the concept."

Rarity smiled at that. "That I am." She went serious. "However, I have one more question for you."

She stared straight into his eyes. "Do you want to love her?"

Discord's answer, for once, was earnest. "Yes. To the moon and back. And then to the sun and back."

For a split second, Rarity understood what Fluttershy saw on him. "Well then dear, th—"

"—And then to the crystal empire and back. And then to the library and back. And then to the crystal empire and back, again." He grinned.

One day, Rarity. She was reminded why she wasn't Fluttershy. "As I was saying, darling, seems like you have your answer there already."

"But what about Applejack?" Discord's eyes were big as the scone plate, and wet as he was dense.

Goodness, give me patience. Thought Rarity. For if you give me strength, I'll kill him. She paused, contemplating for a second. On second thoughts, do give me strength.

"Discord. Listen to me." She stood, and started pacing around the table. "I have known Fluttershy for over twenty five years—"

"Bread wasted on the toothless, if you ask me."

"And I didn't. Shut up. In those twenty five years, she has spoken, truly spoken, at length, about scantly few topics." She punctuated each one with a step. "Her beloved animals. Rainbow Dash. The Everfree. Pinkie Pie. Cloudsdale. Twilight. Applejack." She poked his chest. "And to the detriment of my peace and rest, You."

Discord farted a little toot. An instinctual, unconscious defense mechanism for when things get too serious. They both did their best to ignore it.

"Is it too late? Has Applejack stolen the love of your life? No." Rarity took a step back. "But one day it will be! So go! Seize fate by the horn! What, truly, do you have to lose?"

Discord thought about it for a couple of seconds. "I think." He said, "that you're right." With a snap, he vanished.

Rarity treated herself to a scone.

Would he look better on a suit or a wedding dress? She wondered if taking his measurements was even possible.

Author's Note

Fueron felices y ~~comieron~~ criaron perdices.

El fin.