The Dragon and the Dead Diamond

by Nebbie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Dark, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 1913

After a bit of an oopsie on a mission to Klugetown, Spike has to give Rarity's eulogy at her funeral, and there to help, thanks to magic most questionable, is...Rarity herself! What could go wrong?

A "simple" strike mission in Klugetown has gone horribly wrong... As Rarity's funeral fast approaches, Starlight has a surprise for Spike, promising Rarity will be back, good as new! Spike's in for a lot more than he bargained for giving this eulogy...

Published 2024-12-30 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-12-30 17:50:01 UTC

Another Typical Day in Ponyville

Spike sat next to Twilight on a bed in a room in Twilight's castle, stoking his tail repeatedly. "D-do you think Starlight was telling the truth about bringing Rarity back?"

Twilight put her foreleg around him. "There there...I don't know exactly what she meant, but I'm sure it's something to help us heal. I'm sorry Spike, but necromancy is mostly for the realm of comic books."

Spike shivered. "B-but what if Starlight's so smart she figures it out, and makes Rarity a zombie!?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Starlight would know better...I think. Besides, Rarity's family decided to have her cremated."

Spike gasped. "What? Why? Wouldn't she want to look pretty in the casket?"

Twilight grimaced. "Yeah...but the mortician has a price, and Rarity's parents didn't want to spend half her life savings. Plus, even if I helped the mortician, there's only so much magic can do, and something about defacing the diamond dogs' most holy bone really made them go the extra mile in making sure she wouldn't look good ever again."

Spike pouted.

Twilight nuzzled his nose. "Hey...it's okay, they had a backup idea from her will that's almost as good. Trust me, you'll love it."

Spike rested his head in his claws. "I hope so..."

The doors suddenly burst open, revealing Starlight Glimmer with a smirk. "I've done it!"

Spike's eyes lit up. "You have? Where is she?"

Starlight stepped aside as Rarity trotted forth. "Right here, darling!"

Spike ran for her, but then fell flat on his face on the floor as a reddish-purple magic glow enveloped his tail, making Rarity gasp.

Twilight trotted forth. "Not so fast...Starlight, before this goes any further, would you explain what this is?"

Starlight raised a foreleg. "Oh, you know...just a bit of time travel and...the Mirror Pool."

Twilight's jaw dropped. "THE WHAT?"

Starlight gave a nervous chuckle. "Hehe...yeah. Look, it's harmless! I just went back to last week, put Rarity to sleep, put her in a sack, slapped a little spell on her to record her memories while I made her life flash before her eyes, tossed her in the pool, then dropped her back off with a teeny little migraine and nopony the wiser. Then I dumped the memories in the clone. Simple."

Spike groaned as he got up, helped up by Rarity, who pushed on his snout with a hoof as hearts fluttered.

Twilight froze. "I...uh...you...it..." She sighed and rubbed her temples. "Okay, I'll spare you the lecture for later for Spike's sake. But...we have a funeral scheduled! You can't just have a funeral when the pony's out walking around. Actually...how much of Rarity's personality is in there?"

Starlight shrugged. "Enough to fool Pinkie into thinking she saw a ghost, but not enough I can't tell. Anyways, the funeral should be up to her, she's basically Rarity's next of kin."

"Rarity" put on a solemn face as she looked Spike in the eyes. "I assure you, I have most of Rarity's memories, and I'm similar in many ways, but it's true that I'm no Rarity. It's similar I suppose to taking a chipped gem and recutting it, making a new gem that's beautiful in its own right. Call me...'Charity'. And even if you all did accept me as Rarity, I feel the funeral is a must, to honor the original."

Spike took her hoof in his hand. "Glad to have you...Charity."

Charity grinned wide and teared up a little. "Thank you. Now how about we spend some time together and prepare for the eulogy? I'm sure you've missed having a pony like me around."

Spike hopped on her back, and she promptly rode off.

Starlight smiled wide. "See, all better!"

Twilight put a hoof to her chin. "Maybe. I don't know how to feel about this. We don't even know if she'll just melt after a while or something... If this ends in tragedy, you owe Spike an apology and a party better than his last birthday."

Starlight smirked and raised an eyebrow. "And if it ends all happy?"

Twilight got out a notepad. "Then...if the time travel safety checks out too, I'll try and help when you've got ponies lining up to get loved ones back. AJ had two cousins disappear this year, and just last month, Rose Luck ran out of her second name and became manticore muck."

Starlight cringed a bit. "Right, I really shouldn't have given her that confidence-boost spell. Anyways, deal."

Spike looked around nervously as he walked beside a cloaked Charity up to the funeral gathering.

Charity took a peak from under her hood. "Spike, calm down, you're sweating. Trust me, it'll all go fine."

Spike took a deep breath, but was interrupted by a slap to the rump from an azure hoof.

"Hey hot stuff, miss me?" came the voice of Rainbow Dash.

Spike looked at her, and grit his teeth, cringing. "Gayuuh...uh..."

Standing before him, Rainbow looked...not great. Her right ear was mostly missing in the shape of a bite, there was an eyepatch on her left eye, and her mane was as patchy as could be. Further back, she had a cast on her right wing, another on her left back leg, a scar across her right cutie mark, and her tail was barely a stub.

Charity gasped. "Good heavens! Rainbow, what happened?"

Rainbow perked her ear and looked to Charity. "Diamond dogs, and I look better than some of those dumb dirty mutts! We lost Rarity, my eye, and our dignity, but I took out five of them. Would've been more, but Fluttershy insisted I'd lose my head too, and Scootaloo needs me."

Charity sighed. "Oh dear... Um, if you don't mind me asking, what were Rarity's final moments like? I'm here to help Spike give the eulogy..."

Rainbow rubbed the back of her neck. "Well...I don't know the details, in part because I was pretty swarmed myself when the Diamond Dogs got to her, but she ran into an outhouse, and I don't think she was having a good time in there. Something about her comfort food betraying her at the worst moment..."

Twilight cleared her throat and stepped over. "Contrary to what I'm sure Rainbow and other ponies might giggle about, Rarity certainly didn't spend her final moments dealing with an uncooperative lunch. See, I've read all the reports, and can give a play-by-play of Rarity's most likely final thirty seconds. It starts when they raise an axe over her ne-"

Charity jabbed Twilight hard in the stomach, making her wheeze and crumple to the ground. "Truly, darling, I'd love to hear it some other time, but for now, I will simply say that I assume she died with dignity."

Twilight raised a hoof. "Well actually..."

Charity kicked Twilight's rump so hard it turned red, eliciting a shriek. "Let's just say I hope we don't need another funeral, darling..."

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "And who are you, again? You sound just like Rarity and you're being a little weird..." She flew up and close to Charity's hood.

Twilight shakily got up and stood between them, wobbling from side to side. "Oh...this is just uh..."

Charity put a hoof to Twilight's mouth. "...just somepony who knows better than to consume twelve gallons of ice cream when she's sad and about to go on a dangerous trip. Name's Charity." She extended a hoof to Rainbow.

Rainbow shook it. "Okay then. I like the cut of your jib. Really gave Twilight a wallop!"

Charity chuckled. "Yes, well, I learned quite recently to spend a little less time talking the talk and a little more time walking the walk. Now, come along Spike, it's time."

As the two got up to the podium, Twilight weakly followed behind, and got a box marked with Rarity's cutie mark out of her saddlebags.

Spike tapped the microphone. "Um...testing, testing. Hey...everypony..."

A cough could be heard as he stood silently, being stared down by a sizable audience ranging from Photo Finish to Sweetie Belle, Pinkie Pie, and even Babs Seed.

Charity suddenly disrobed, eliciting gasps, and making Fluttershy faint.

Pinkie stood up. "I told you all there was a Rarity ghost! See! She's here to drag us to the Ghost Zone to force us to make fancy dresses for the dead for ethereal pay!"

She then came up close to the mic. "Now dears, calm down, I'm just a clone, not a ghost. Call me 'Charity'. It's truly amazing what Starlight's magic can do." She gave Spike a kiss on the cheek. "Go on. Anything from your lips is exactly what Rarity would want to hear."

Spike rubbed his cheek with a claw, and sighed. "So, Rarity was great. She was the best mare anypony could ask for. There'll be a hole in our hearts that nopony can fill. Charity at least will be a loose fit, I'm sure... I know it's a little awkward, but give her a shot. It's what Rarity would want, to have her dressmaking, generosity, and hope continue."

Twilight cleared her throat and stepped over to Spike, opening up the box. In it was diamond as purple and large as a grape. "I'm happy to present Rarity's last work."

Charity's eyes lit up with sparkles. "Ooh, it's perfect!"

Spike licked his lips. "You bet it is!" He plucked the diamond out of the box and chomped it up, as Twilight froze.

Sweetie Belle gasped loudly from the audience.

Spike chewed noisily. "Mmm, mmm, just like when me and Rarity would go out gem-hunting!" He gulped it down.

Twilight fainted.

Spike looked to Twilight, then Starlight. "Uh...something I should know?"

Starlight teleported over, then put on a wrinkly smile and nervously giggled. "Heheh, oh, it's just...well, I had a spell that could enhance the clone by getting some of Rarity's 'soul' if you will from her remains, but now that they're inside you..."

Spike blinked. "W-what?"

Starlight took a moment to open her mouth. "...you kind of...ate them just now. They were turned into that diamond. So the spell won't work."

Spike looked down to his stomach, then the shocked audience, who all began murmuring. Spike gulped. "Uh...she's in a better place now?"

Scootaloo started cackling loudly with her eyes unfocused, and her aunts slowly took her to the back row. Sweetie Belle meanwhile was being barely-restrained by her mother as her horn sparked.

Charity put a hoof on Spike's shoulder. "Well everypony, I think Rarity...would be okay with this! Glad, even, to be a part of her Spikey-Wikey! ...hehe, heh..." She turned to Spike and cut the mic. "Darling, I think it's best we get out of here before my, err, Rarity's family puts a vacuum down your throat."

Spike put his claws over his face, then hopped up on her back. "Yeah..."

Starlight went over to Twilight and slapped her cutie mark with a hoof.

"OW!" shouted Twilight as she looked up. "Come on, just let me pretend for one minute that I need my own funeral."

Starlight levitated Twilight to her hooves. "Sorry, but somepony is going to need to calm down the crowd. You're it this week, and besides, as per our deal...I've got to get details from Trixie about that place where the donkeys put on some real good shows, 'cause we're gonna need to pull out the big guns for how deep of muck Spike got in. Well...break a leg!" She levitated the mic over to Twi and teleported out.