The Pony Who Bucked Rainbow Dash's Dad
Smokey Eyes stood in the well-equipped kitchen of her apartment, the makings of a tray of cupcakes laid out over the counter. The blind pony held a shaker of something in her hooves, twirling the bottle as she tried to identify it. Note and Canvas were laid out on the couch, of course reeking of the weed she'd kindly asked them not to smoke inside.
"Hey Pen, honey," She called out to her boyfriend, "Did you pick up cinnamon like I asked?"
"Totally did!" He smiled as he entered from their bedroom, far too proud of himself for such a simple task.
Smokey sprinkled a bit of whatever was in the shaker on her hooves, giving it a taste. "This is cumin."
"Ain't… ain't that the same thing? I just thought cause' they were both brown and sounded kinda the same it was like a type of-" Pen asked with a concerningly genuine tone. Smokey furrowed her brow a bit with concern. When he was still drinking she could always blame his little stupidities on that, but now that he'd stopped she was starting to wonder if he'd had any thoughts at all under that soft mane of his. "...I'll run to the store before they close, be right back…" Pen went for his coat and swung open the door, revealing the scowling blue face of Equestria's Wonderbolt element of harmony herself.
"You have a lot of explaining to do!" Rainbow Dash shouted, pushing herself into the apartment and through any introductions.
"Hey, hey! We had a hoof-shake deal, you said you wouldn't sue me for the libel!" Pen cowered, stepping back from her approach and into an end table in a desperate attempt not to get decked in the face.
"It's not about that, jackass!" She reached in her saddlebag for something, and with all the subtlety he could muster Pen's shaking hoof grabbed for the lamp behind him. Instead of a knife, however, she held up a rolodex brimming with aged notes in scrawled hoof-writing. "Why did my dad have your number labeled 'tight ass'? Did… did you fuck my dad?!"
The room went silent for a moment, Note and Canvas looking on at a very shocked Pen as Smokey's grey face went white, her ears perked up and dialed in on the confrontation. She held tight a large and brutal looking kitchen knife, damn well not something she needed for baking.
"Absolutely not… recently!" Pen blurted out, his voice stammering for the right words, "I couldn't have in the last few years, at least, not since we started dating!" He pointed to Smokey.
"Yeah, she's the one that settled, no way he'd fuck that up!" Canvas piped up from the couch. "And if his ponut was still tight that had to have been a while ago."
"Oh c'mon hun, I bet Pen could still choke out a cock!" Note defended his friend.
"But I didn't!" Pen insisted, "Well, not while me and Smokey were dating, at least-" That answer seemed to satisfy the mare, the knife not returned to its block but her attention at least on Rainbow dash instead now. "Look- I have no idea if I slept with your dad… jog my memory a bit?"
"Dark blue coat, rainbow hair-" Rainbow angrily started to describe her dad.
"Oh c'mon, that's who you're talking about?" Pen scoffed, "I was like nineteen and we were both pretty drunk, that doesn't count!"
"So you did!" She growled, closing the distance between her and the nervous unicorn. He gripped the lamp, in one fell swoop launching the light towards the pegasus. It shattered, breaking into shards upon the floor a solid five feet away from her. "Were you- did you just try to-?"
"Oh, no, I just- I really fucking hated that lamp!" Pen lied, hoping that he could ramble his way into some good excuse, "It was a gift from her brother and like- why would you buy a blind pony a lamp? Isn't that a little fucked up? I'm a good pony, I promise-"
"Nah, your aim's just shit!" Note grabbed a book from the coffee table, launching it into Pen's side with a hard thud, "And I did that stoned!"
"If you touch him, I'm going to stab you." Smokey spoke to Rainbow in a straight, matter of fact tone. Not a threat, a promise. "So unless you want to end up in a batch of cupcakes, step away from my dumbass boyfriend!" With a glare, Rainbow stood down and backed off from the unicorn. The room went silent yet again, tension scored by the sound of hesitant or livid breathing.
"So, I gotta ask-" Canvas finally broke the silence, "The dick that made Rainbow Dash, how was it?"
"Honestly it was pretty good until he started crying about his wife." Pen answered with a shrug. "I mean he kept rutting like a stallion and I finished, but y'know, that's always a little weird."
"Oh so Mr. Not-A-Cheater knew he was sleeping with a married stallion?!" Rainbow shouted him down, "What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!"
"Hey, I'm not the one who cheated, don't get pissed at me!" Pen argued, "It's not like I knew he was married until a few minutes before he uh- actually I think he came pretty soon after he started crying. He was fast, if I had to give any criticism on that front."
"I think I'm gonna be sick-" Rainbow gagged.
"Don't hurl on my floor, Pen just cleaned it!" Smokey interrupted.
"Oh Celestia, that wasn't even the worst of it, he was a real freak! Said my coat looked like Rarity's- but like, in a way that I think he wanted to do her." Pen just… kept talking, shifting his tone to a disturbingly good impression of Rainbow's friend. "So I put on the voice, some guys like that, and call him 'Darling'- that's when it went from just sex to fucking!"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Rainbow shouted and pleaded.
"Alright, alright! I won't tell ya' what else he stuck up there-"
"Hoof!" Note started guessing, "Tongue? No, his whole snout!"
"I bet it was his wing!" Canvas raised, "Nothing like a wing inside of you~" She purred, tracing a hoof through Note's feathers. He returned the affection with a sloppy kind of kiss. They descended upon each other in a mess of lustful noise.
Pen tried, desperately, to avoid his friends' foreplay in the same room where one of Equestria's most renowned heroes was about to spill her guts. "I get the knee-jerk reaction, but I really don't get why you're here. It isn't my fault your dad went after the first pony who kind of looked like your best friend!"
"Oh don't you try and pull that shit on me," Rainbow spat, "You know how you'd feel if somepony fucked your dad!"
"No? I don't even know my dad. If I did I probably wouldn't have had the compulsion to sleep with yours-" Pen pondered that for a moment, "But what do you want me to do? If I could fix every drunken mistake from when I was nineteen he isn't even like, top five ponies I'd un-fuck. Ponies have lives outside of what you think of them, maybe you're the one at fault here!" It was only a moment after he'd finished talking that a blue hoof swept across his face, sending the unicorn to the ground with a resounding and meaty thud.
It almost felt like a hangover, the pounding in his skull as Pen awoke. Smokey's apartment was dark now, the late evening exasperated by the lack of lights. A sweet smell hung in the air, still warm from an oven that had just finished baking. Wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, the sound of Smokey's hoofsteps ferrying over a tray of baked goods… there just wasn't a better way to wake up after getting his shit kicked in.
"How ya' feelin', hun?" Smokey asked cheerily, setting the tray down on the coffee table and cuddling up beside him under that heavy blanket. "Don't worry about the couch, I kicked them off before any… fluids… got involved."
"I'm fine, really, thank you." Pen took his hoof off his aching temple and grabbed one of the snacks, "The cinnamon! I never got to get any-"
"It's okay, I found somethin' else to supplement it!" She nuzzled into his neck.
"Still, sorry… about the cinnamon, about Rainbow Dash- It feels weird, changing. Even if I'm a better pony than I used to be, I'm still that same pony. It's still gonna follow me." Pen spoke with slight regret and a mouth full of cupcake, "And going into gory detail about some dude I fucked in front of you wasn't cool either-"
"You said it yourself, you can't change the past, but lingering on it won't help anything right now, right? Besides, there's worse things that could have happened, it's not like you killed anypony~" She giggled and picked up one of the cupcakes for herself, "And we're not foals! I don't care who you slept with. I did Big Mac once!"
"Oh I gotta ask- how was the dick?"
"Well he's got a fitting name, but he hardly knew how to use it…" She giggled.
