quiet castles make louder hoofsteps
Starlight awoke with a slight shiver. It was surprisingly drafty for the summer season's end, prompting her to roll back over and pull the sheets onto herself again. However, her minute effort proved fruitless, as the sudden chill over the room made it exponentially harder to fall back asleep. After some minutes of trying unsuccessfully, the poor unicorn called it quits. Ah, whatever, it was about time to get up anyway.
With a yawn and an exaggerated stretch, Starlight Glimmer swung her hind legs off the bed and onto the carpet. She lazily channeled some magic into her horn, packing her saddlebags and brushing her teeth simultaneously on her way out of the door. Another quick clean-up spell later, her hair was done up, and she was ready to face the world… after a mug (or three) of coffee.
As Starlight sauntered down the empty hallway, her hooves clip-clopped all the way through, each step bouncing against every wall and back to her ears. The hallway wasn’t covered in the layer of plush carpet that she was used to in her room, so she had to face the cold on her hooves in its fullest form. She really should just pull the lever on getting the hallway carpeted, too, if not for looks than for her own sanity. A brisk walk and a sigh later, Starlight entered the kitchen, whisking together various appliances and ingredients to make her morning breakfast and coffee.
Compared to the rest of the castle, the kitchen was surprisingly small. It had a rather low ceiling and the cooking island was rather small. The only “large” thing about it (if you could call it that) would be the copious shelves around the walls to compensate for the strange lack of a pantry. Sipping on her freshly brewed coffee and idly munching on her jam-covered toast, Starlight’s mind began to wander, as it tended to do.
The castle was lonely. It had been a few days since Twilight began the process of moving out of her castle to Canterlot. Out of the castle that Starlight also lived in. It was jarring, to say the least. She was used to the hustle and bustle of day-to-day activities that happened in and around the castle. The buzz of conversation, the clopping of hooves, the sound of some misfortunate soul tripping one of Pinkie’s “Party Traps”, was all so comforting to her, even if the noise did get annoying at times. Now that the castle had next to no utility outside of being a fancy condo, the activity around it dramatically died down.
Granted, she did sleep a lot better now that there wasn’t constant activity happening around the castle. It had been a while since Starlight had been able to wake up naturally, several days in a row. That said, as evidenced by her chilly wake-up call, the castle was rather drafty with the lack of creatures cohabitating with her. Starlight slumped over on the kitchen counter and sighed dramatically. The quiet was nice, but sweet Celestia, she’d kill for a conversation.
Stuffing down the rest of her breakfast and savoring the dregs of her coffee, the lavender-coated unicorn shuffled out of the kitchen, grabbed her saddlebags, and ambled out of the foyer toward Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship.
Twilight, thought Starlight, a nostalgic smile gently creasing her face. How is she doing? Moving sucks; I wonder how everything’s going? Now that she’s got the Royal Canterlot Library back, what’s she going to do with all of the books she took from the castle? Weren’t a lot of them donated to the library when it was struck by lightning?
Starlight paused and shook her head, dismissing the rambling thoughts. She was only creating more questions than actually answering any of them.
I just hope she’s doing okay.
The days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into dread. Upon arrival home at Twilight’s castle, Starlight stopped at the front doors and paused. She sat at the front steps, gazing up at the doors, shoulders deflating. Starlight felt her throat pinch, dissipating it with a forced swallow as she sighed and opened the doors.
“Hey everyone, I’m home!” she said, addressing it to absolutely no one. Starlight then glanced around, making sure no one was in earshot.
“Hey Starlight, it’s good to see you!” replied a spontaneously created duplicate of herself in a sarcastic tone.
“It’s good to see you too!” came the equally sarcastic reply.
Another sigh and the duplicate vanished, as the tired headmare beelined for the kitchen to fix dinner. Another night, and not another soul. Starlight poked at her mashed potatoes, apathy washing over her. She missed the animated conversations over dinner. She missed ranting about students and their problems and laughing and sharing in the ridiculousness. She missed being able to pop right across the hall to Twilight’s room and say hello, talk about magic, get advice, have a sleepover, or just get some affection and company.
Ugh. She just missed Twilight. She was always there for Starlight whenever she needed it, and in turn, she was there for Twilight. Of course, it’d sometimes take a little more coaxing (on both sides) to get the other to open up, but they were still there for each other when they needed it the most. No one else treated her like Twilight did, and no matter what she did with the other Elements, their relationship still felt special. Uniquely theirs. It blew her mind that someone like Starlight, a time-travelling, cutie-mark and talent stealing dictator could have such a close relationship with a princess like this. If Twilight hadn’t extended her hoof to offer her a chance to redeem herself, she wouldn’t be here at all, living a life she couldn’t ever dream of.
But now, Starlight’s thread of hope has moved to a city miles away. That same tightness in Starlight’s throat crept in again. Suddenly, the half-eaten plate of mashed potatoes seemed much less appetizing to her. With her mood and appetite suddenly soured, Starlight scraped the rest into a container, shoved it into the fridge, and trudged to her room. She dumped her saddlebag next to her bedroom door and tossed herself onto her bed with a groan, snuggling herself into the sheets.
Her thoughts raced, and the tightness in her throat grew tighter and tighter. Now that she thought about it, Starlight hadn’t really spoken to many people outside of the other faculty and students at school. Now that fall break was here, Starlight felt more isolated than ever. Alone in a crystal castle, with the only ponies in her vicinity being the reflections of herself in the walls. Another little groan escaped her throat as she buried her head in her pillow.
She missed all of the activity. She missed her friends. They were all off either in Canterlot doing Element of Harmony business or working in their day jobs. No one really had time to come hang out. She could invite Sunburst over, but he was usually busy in the Crystal Empire doing… whatever it is that a crystaller does. She loved Trixie to death, but she was a bit much sometimes; hanging out with her everyday would definitely wear down on her. She also had no idea where she went most of the time. Trixie was a surprisingly difficult pony to track down, though Starlight supposed that was a part of the act. She didn’t even want to think about how impossible it would be to reach out to Sunset Shimmer.
Then there was Twilight. She was the busiest of them all; the princess of Equestria had many duties and having personally helped Princesses Celestia and Luna, there wasn’t a chance that she was going to be able to escape from her duties, let alone come all the way to Ponyville. Twilight had sent a few letters, but Starlight hadn’t replied to them. She didn’t want to bother the princess of Equestria with her musings and troubles. It got to the point that picking up a quill to reply filled Starlight’s stomach with overwhelming dread and anxiety. That said, there was a twinge of sadness whenever Starlight made a new magical discovery or had a question about something or just wanted a chat, as her knee-jerk instinct was to trot over to Twilight’s door, only to remember that she was presently in Canterlot. Miles and miles away.
It felt so strange having her so far away; in the time since Starlight had moved into the castle, Twilight had become a consistent driving motivation for her to even get up in the morning. Getting to see her face, hear her voice, and feel her cheek nuzzle against hers gave her energy. She gave her a reason to keep going and to keep bettering herself. Every interaction with her made Starlight feel so warm inside, a warmth that she’d never thought she would ever feel.
As she kept growing as a pony and learning more about friendship and what it means to her, Starlight’s relationship with Twilight grew in tandem. At first, it started with awe, admiration, and anxiety that she was going to fail her. She didn’t deserve any of this; she’d tried to end the entire timeline of the Elements ever becoming friends for Celestia’s sake! But Twilight saw past that and gave Starlight exactly what she needed: Someone to trust. An opportunity to try again. An opportunity to love and be loved.
And love she did. Right away, Twilight and her friends did their best to integrate her into their lives. They went out with her, did cool things together, gave her more opportunities to laugh and enjoy life, to see the colors and smell the roses. All the while Twilight personally took Starlight under her proverbial (and actual) wing to teach her all the things she wished her filly-self could have learned. Over time, her awe and admiration grew to adoration and affection as their relationship flourished.
Little touches here and there, hugs and nuzzles, midday naps together, inside jokes and playful competition. All of the little things that got Starlight’s heart racing whenever she was around Twilight. Starlight hadn’t ever encountered something like this before, but given everything, Starlight came to one conclusion. She wanted to be more than just a friend to her, because that’s what Twilight felt like to Starlight.
But Twilight was the Princess of Friendship and Ruler of Equestria. Starlight was nothing. Sure, she was handpicked to be the guidance counselor for Twilight’s school and eventually the headmare, but that didn’t even hold a candle to the flame that was being royalty. Twilight was way out of her league, and quite frankly, so were the rest of her friends too. All of the rest of the Elements held a position in Twilight’s court, because they were the Elements of Harmony. They were so unique in their positions and it felt impossible to reach them.
It happened again. All of her friends were off doing cool things, and there she was, left behind to cheer for passing racers that she wouldn’t ever see. That’s how she got here in the first place. She lost her best friend and hurt so many other ponies in the wake of her resentment. Then Twilight took her in and gave her a chance, landing her here in this castle. Even after all that though, Starlight was alone yet again. Except this time with no destructive vice of which to purge her incurable heartache.
Starlight hugged onto her pillow tighter as she felt her breath pick up. All of her friends felt so far away, and she felt so small in this castle by herself. The daily echo of her hooves down the quiet corridors were a solemn reminder of the new but familiar solitary life that she lived. The walls felt colder than they had ever been, the temperature only registering when the corners of her eyes pricked hot. Starlight’s throat closed even more, before a sudden involuntary sob wracked her body.
The weight of her loneliness caught up to her. For the first time in many years, she sobbed, truly and fully, into her pillow as the wave of emotions cascaded over her body. She was lonely. Tired. Stressed. Bored. Anxious. But she had no outlet, no one to talk to about it. Everyone was busy, away, or just emotionally unavailable. The castle was a deserted island within swimming distance of shore where only she resided. Accessible, but isolated.
Starlight didn’t know if or when she fell asleep that night.
Winter break came like a blur and Starlight still found herself curled up in her room, re-reading the same book for the umpteenth time yet unable to process its contents. Her room was a mess and her hair was unkempt, both of which were tousled in a hundred different directions. She hardly left her bedroom, outside of eating and using the restroom. Starlight saw the state her environment was in and yet paid it no heed. It was as if her perception of the world had lost its color; the walls dappled with brilliant shades of blue, green, pink, and purple had all begun to mesh together in an apathetic gray mush.
A cloud hovered over the unicorn’s head as she rolled over on her other side. The sounds around her were muffled, and time seemed to move like molasses. Starlight closed her book as she laid back once again, staring at the ceiling as the weight on her chest grew heavier. Everything in her brain said to get up and go do something. Write a letter. Bake some cookies. Dust the library. Organize the kitchen. Anything. But she just couldn’t compel herself to do it. It was as if the strings on her marionette had been cut. She was limp, helpless, and numb.
Staring out the window, the racing thoughts came back to taunt her. Thoughts of loneliness, worthlessness, and how she didn’t deserve any of what she had, and how where she was at that moment was poetic justice for all she had done. Starlight’s thoughts spiraled downward and downward, tumbling down like a bit dropped into a well. Then, Starlight felt tears creep up to her eyes when she heard something that she hadn’t in a while.
“Starlight?”
Great, now I’m losing my marbles.
“Starlight, it’s me, Twilight,” came the alicorn’s voice along with gentle hoofsteps.
Starlight’s heart dropped to the floor when she realized that the voice wasn’t her imagination.
Twilight? Why is she here?
There was a gentle knock on her bedroom door as it creaked ajar.
“Starlight, are you there?” probed Twilight as she poked a conservative eye into the room.
Upon meeting eyes with Twilight, Starlight’s stomach lurched. Her heart rate quickened and an unpleasant soup of excitement, joy, guilt, and anxiety swirled around in her chest and mind.
“H-hi Twilight,” replied Starlight, forcing a crooked smile.
Visible relief followed by deep concern and worry washed over Twilight’s eyes.
“Starlight, are you okay?”
“Y-yeah, I’m, uh, doing great! What brings you here, Twilight?”
“I sent a few letters but I didn’t get a response from you and I got worried, because you’re usually pretty good at replying. I asked the other Elements if they’d seen you at all and how you were doing. They said that they hadn’t been in Ponyville a whole lot but when they were, they hadn’t seen you. So I came to check on you.”
Starlight wrapped her blanket tighter around herself as her gaze shifted to a random spot on her bed.
“I… thanks, I guess.”
“Hey, I’m your friend. No need to thank me for that. Just talk to me, Star. You don’t look so good.”
Blunt as ever. Starlight sighed. The prickle in her throat grew as she mustered the energy to speak.
“You’re right, I haven’t been doing well recently.”
“Can I sit?” Asked Twilight, patting Starlight’s bed, who nodded her consent. Twilight then climbed onto Starlight’s bed, making sure not to rock it too much. “What’s been going on?”
“I dunno, I guess it’s just been too quiet around here.”
“The castle?” Twilight tilted her head in question.
“Yeah.”
“Tell me more.”
Starlight sighed. “I just miss all of the activity around here. It was comforting, knowing that there were other creatures around.”
“Yeah, I get that. I had a lot of days where the castle felt foreboding being just by myself, especially before you moved in and whenever Spike was out for the night.”
“It’s weird, isn’t it? Did it feel draftier when you were alone?”
“Yeah, I did feel it get draftier whenever I was by myself, it was pretty weird.”
“That pretty much sums up how it’s been here. Just… me, myself, and I,” Starlight said with a half-hearted chuckle.
“That sounds pretty awful.”
“Yeah, it is,” Starlight sighed, eyes drifting back down toward her bed.
“What’re you feeling, then?” Twilight asked, inching closer to reach out with a reassuring hoof on Starlight’s shoulder.
“I feel… tired. Lethargic. I haven’t really left the castle since winter break. Not even coffee really gets me going anymore. I’ve read the same four books like thirty times.”
“Have you talked to anyone else about it?”
“I’ve wanted to, but no pony’s really available. Besides, even if they were, I don’t know if I’d have the energy to muster up to see them.” Starlight’s throat began to close and she felt a tickle in her muzzle.
“That’s fair, it takes a lot of energy sometimes to go and see people.”
Twilight’s eyes softened even more.
“You’ve been feeling really lonely, haven’t you?”
That was the crack that broke the dam. The tears that Starlight had been holding back flooded out and Starlight covered her face with her hooves. Without hesitation, Twilight wrapped the sobbing unicorn in a winged hug, pulling her in tight. Starlight snuggled in, letting out the weeks of pent up loneliness into Twilight’s chest.
“I’m here, Starlight. I’m here,” Twilight cooed into her ear. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m so lonely here, Twilight. I miss you,” Starlight sniffled. “I miss being able to just go over to your room to talk. I miss talking with you about magic and all of the new things that we’ve learned and taking naps with you. I miss having fun with the other Elements, baking, gem hunting, and what the hay, I even miss just doing random stuff around Sweet Apple Acres. I miss everyone. I miss hearing the laughter down the halls, I miss hearing the conversations over breakfast, lunch and dinner, I just…”
Starlight coughed, then wiped her face and nose.
“I miss being around ponies that care.”
“Oh Starlight…” Twilight murmured, hugging Starlight tighter. “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry that we made you feel so lonely, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there for you when you needed me. This is the busiest we’ve been, since we’ve been doing the change-of-power routines.”
“Yeah, I know you guys are busy, so please don’t wor-”
Twilight separated from Starlight, and gently pulled Starlight’s face toward her own with her hooves.
“Star, please don’t tell me to not worry about you. You’re one of my closest friends, and I’m always looking out for you. If you’re not okay, tell me. I want to hear about it. Even when I’m at the castle and I might take a little bit to respond, I’ll always make time for you,” Twilight interrupted.
“Twi…”
“Here, listen. Things are beginning to wind down over at the royal castle. We’ve finished most of the things we need to do for Princesses Celestia and Luna retiring, so we shouldn’t be nearly as busy anymore. There are actually a few things that we’re doing to help you out at the school, since I’m not going to be there as often!”
“There are?”
“Yes! We’re talking with Princess Cadence to let Sunburst come down and act as vice-headstallion so we can take some of the weight off your shoulders. We’re going to arrange for him to stay here at the castle with you whenever he’s down here.”
Starlight’s eyes lit up. “Really? That’s great!”
“I figured you’d appreciate that,” Twilight giggled. “We’re also planning on hiring Trixie to replace you as the guidance counselor! We’ve been working with her in Canterlot for a little bit here to get her ready for the role.”
So that’s where she’s been…
“That’s awesome! But I can’t imagine that was a smooth process,” Starlight laughed. The excitement bubbled up in Starlight’s chest, but she managed to push it down.
“I love Trixie, but she’s…” Twilight began, exasperated and trying to look for the best words to describe her experience. “A unique pony, that’s for sure.”
“Oh how unique she is,” Starlight chuckled, picturing all three of the princesses’ reactions to Trixie’s antics and mannerisms.
“Additionally, I’ve made a plan to come by more often to check on the school, and…”
Starlight sniffled and looked up at Twilight, eyebrow raised.
“And…?”
“I don’t think anyone’s going to stop me from taking a day or two extra to do double and triple checks,” finished Twilight with a cheeky smile and a less-than-subtle wink.
“Wait, are you…?”
“Yes! I wanna come by and stay with you for at least a few days every moon,” Twilight declared with a grin. Starlight’s face heated up, and she found it hard to make eye contact with Twilight as her heart rate picked up again.
“You… you don’t have to do that, Twi, I-I’ll be fine.”
“But I want to come and see you. How could I not?” Twilight asked, the rhetorical question punctuated by a quick nuzzle to Starlight’s cheek. “Like I said, I’ve missed you too.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure.”
Starlight’s chest grew warmer, which radiated into an involuntary smile.
“I think I’d really like that.”
“I would too,” replied Twilight, who nuzzled Starlight’s cheek again. “Don’t worry, Starlight, we haven’t forgotten you.”
Twilight then gently placed her forehead against Starlight’s, wrapped her wings around her, and smiled. Starlight’s breath hitched and heart raced as she melted into the warmth of their contact. The thousand pounds of weight was lifted from her shoulders with ease, setting her soul at a comfortable rest.
“We never will.”
