A Little Justice On The Side

by Autocharth

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Crossover, Colgate, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 8418

Diablo crossover. Tyrael made mortal as Paladin. Short side stories set in Justice Itself.

Diablo crossover.

Short stories set in the universe of my other fic, Justice Itself. Behold Tyrael and his life as a mortal pony, as well as a number of other things such as exploring Tyrael's interaction with background and other characters. The many tales of thing not important enough to take up space in the main story.

Spoilers for Justice Itself up to Chapter 17/18 / Act II.

Complete comment on individual chapters, unless you're commenting on all chapters at once on the main story page.

Many thanks to Sparklight for the cover image.

Story One, The Angel & The Dentist: Colgate encounters Paladin and finds out his...less than stellar dental care habits. Which is to say, he had none.
Story Two, When All He Wants is Peace & Quiet: Birthday prompt from Nealend86. Tyrael just wants to read his book, but keeps getting interrupted. Also: a bear.
Story Three, No: The Cutie Mark Crusaders want Paladin to fulfill his promise in a certain way. They just don't seem to know the meaning of the word no. Personal challenge to write a story where a character only uses the word 'No'.
Story Four, 'Chocolate' Eggs: So very, very HUGELY non-canon. Easter Special - Paladin misunderstands everything. Hilarity ensues.

Published 2013-01-17 15:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-31 13:21:30 UTC

The Angel & The Dentist

“I know you’re still relatively new to the whole ‘eating thing’, but...,” Twilight’s nose wrinkled in disgust, “you really shouldn’t be using that much maple syrup.”

Paladin looked up from his plate for a moment before returning to his meal. “I have spent an eternity controlling myself in such a way no mortal could understand.” He said, tilting the plate slightly until the maple syrup moved enough to reveal the pancake it was soaking. “I think a little indulging is fair.”

Sighing, the studious unicorn went back to her own meal. She was bitterly regretting her suggestion to meet for lunch, at least as far as Paladin went. ‘Or Tyrael. Whatever.’ Twilight grumbled internally.

“Wow Pally, that looks great!” The other attendee grinned widely as she took her seat. “Mhmmm, maple syrup is the best syrup, it’s like liquid sugar. Sugary juice made from tree sap but sap is like tree blood *gasp* Pally, are you a tree-vampire? Oh no, have you been feeding on Applejack’s orchard? Its good thing Bloomberg moved to A~aaaaapploosa-afmahomfahagarh-”

Spike snorted with suppressed giggles as Pinkie shot off on a tangent without noticing that her mouth was full.

“Don’t encourage him.” Twilight told her exuberant friend sternly but without much real hope.

Deigning to look up, Paladin and Spike exchanged a look, wondering which ‘he’ she meant. Spike shrugged helplessly as if to say ‘I might have known her all my life, but, y’know, mares’.

“Paladin, please, you need to think about your teeth. I know you’ve only been...” Hesitating slightly, Twilight powered on, albeit in a whisper, “...mortal for two months but you can do a lot of damage to your teeth. You’ve had maple syrup with every meal since you first tried it at the palace.”

A look of subdued pleasure came to Paladin’s face as he considered her statement. “Yes,” he answered. “I have.”

Pinkie giggled, adding “I’ve never seen anypony – or anyangel either! – eat hay fries and a dandelion sandwich in a pool of maple syrup before!” She smothered her humour with another piece of pie. “It looked de~eeeeelish!”

“It looked incredibly unhealthy!”

“Technically a meal may be both, ahem, delicious and incredibly unhealthy.” Paladin pointed out in a neutral tone.

Twilight sighed in desperation, looking to around the open air cafe in search of something. She had no real expectation of finding anything , but a certain blue coated, two-tone maned unicorn caught her attention.

“Colgate!”

Surprised by the greeting the dentist trotted over with a smile. “Twilight, good morning. The same to you, Pinkie and...Paladin.” Her smile became a tad flirty at the sight of the massive, muscled pegasus.

“Good morning. I’m sorry to interrupt, um, whatever you were going to do but I think we could use your input.” Twilight told her quickly.

“Sure thing.” Smiling though slightly confused, Colgate nodded along.

Twilight took a deep breath, preparing to explain exactly what the argument was all about.

Which was, predictably, when Pinkie took over.

“Ya see, Pally tried maple syrup for the first time in Canterlot can you believe he had never had it before? Well, now he told us where he’s from I can but before that I was like ‘wow! How could anypony not have tried maple syrup?’ but he really liked it and I wondered if I could bake him a maple syrup flavoured ‘Yay You Saved Ponyville From A Mean Old Possessing Ghost Nightmare Thing’ surprise cake but Mr Cake said that wouldn’t fit on a cake even if I tried to write it all really tiny because we can’t do it by hoof because our hooves are big oooooh, maybe a unicorn can do it but I just said it out loud so now Pally knows and it won’t be a surprised anymore, maybe Mrs Cake knows a maple syrup cupcake recipe so I can surprise him with those but I just said it out loud again oh no what will-”

“Have you been brushing your teeth?”

The question, fired quick and short, caught them all off guard. Except Paladin, who failed to react in any noticeable fashion.

“Ummm....” Pinkie rubbed the back of her head nervously.

Ignoring Twilight’s pointed expression of thanks, Colgate frowned at the pink party pony. “That’s what I thought.”

From her saddlebags a toothbrush (with new built-in water magic so you never needed to wet your brush again! Yours for 20 bits or attending regular check-ups with associated dentists every three months!) floated, wrapped in Colgate’s magic. A blob of toothpaste (Celestia’s Own Royal Tooth Guard with 48-hour protection! The minty freshness of Friendship in your mouth!) also from her bag was swiftly applied.

Pouting slightly Pinkie plucked the toothbrush out of the air and, with one last look at Colgate’ unflinching expression, began to brush. Her mane drooped slightly.

Turning back to look at Twilight, Colgate smiled without a hint of guile.

That should really send warning-bells ringing.

“So, I gather this is about Paladin’s new taste for maple syrup?” She asked pleasantly.

Twilight was more concerned with the sulking Pinkie. “Wha- how did you....? I’m so confused.”

Laughing, Colgate fell into place at the table next to Twilight. “It’s nothing big. The Cakes bring Pinkie to me every month for a check-up. They’ve been doing it since I took over from the dentist who worked the clinic before me. Apparently it started not long after she moved in with them and they realised she wasn’t brushing her teeth. Dental care is very important, after all.”

“Huh.” Twilight frowned. “You would think I’d notice...well, anyway this at least leads to our argu- discussion.”

“Oh?”

She nodded. “Yes. You see, before now Paladin never really ate anything sweet. Until he came to stay in Ponyville his diet has always been a bit...um, well let’s just say he never had any dental problems.”

Colgate made a small sound of understanding, glancing at Paladin out of the corner of her eye. His expression was either a lack thereof or he was very bored.

“Now he has maple syrup with every meal.” Twilight continued on. “And I mean every meal. Literally.”

The dentist’s eyebrows rose in an expression of surprise.”Wow. How long has this been going on?”

“Nearly a month.”

Colgate’s look when she turned to Paladin was now all business. “Mr Paladin, that really is not healthy for your teeth. Now, you seem healthy and from what I hear you do your share of exercise but dental hygiene is just as important.”

“See?!” Twilight burst out at Paladin, nodding ferociously with Colgate’s words.

He said nothing, merely looking back at Colgate as if he expected her to continue.

“Since you clearly can’t be persuaded so easily, just make sure to brush heavily every morning and before bed. After every meal might be a good idea as well.” She added thoughtfully.

His brow drew together in an unreadable expression. “Brush?”

Twilight and Colgate stared at him while Pinkie’s brushing slowed and stopped.

“You...you don’t....you don’t....” Colgate began to hyperventilate. She gulped air desperately.

Familiar with the many signs of an impending freak out, Spike acted quickly. He had to adjust his usual modus operandi from ‘study-obsessed’ to ‘dentally mental’ (and he was quite proud of that little pun), but it would hopefully work nonetheless.

Taking full advantage of his unique abilities (his hands), Spike flicked Colgate in the horn.

The unicorn jerked back, blinking dumbly. “Bha-wha?”

“I’m sorry, I appear to have put you in some distress.” Paladin apologised mildly. He had learned to put up with Pinkie’s...Pinkie-ness too well to be put off.

“Heh, that’s...that’s alright.” Taking a deep breath Colgate chuckled to herself. “Never thought I’d hear a pony not even know what brushing is. I’m not sure the dentist in me could take much more of a surprise than that.”

Twilight and Spike laughed politely with her, happy at least that she had recovered without a Twilight-style bout of craziness. A crazy dentist with magic was never a good thing.

Paladin, however, was frowning.

“I beg your pardon,” He began, “but what precisely is a ‘dentist’?”

Colgate hit the ground in a dead faint.

When All He Wants is Peace & Quiet

This was originally written for Nealend86, as a birthday present when he mentioned it was his birthday during our PM conversation. I asked for a prompt, he gave me two to choose from. I used both.

Enjoy!

***

Stretching his neck, Tyrael pulled down a book. He stopped on his way to the table in the middle of the library to let a purple blur shot past.

“Quills, check. Notepad, check. Spare notepad, check. Spare spare notepad, check.”

He set the book down, lowering himself to the odd sitting position most ponies used. Lifting a hoof, he began to pull the cover open.

“Copy of ‘Coping With Tough Tests & Excruciating Exams’, check.”

The book his book had been sitting on winked out of existence and his book fell, its cover falling shut. Tyrael simply reached down and opened it again.

“A map of the Canterlot university with the examination centre highlighted, check.”

A map, folding as it moved, shot past. The wind it left in its wake blew the cover from his hoof and snapped the book shut. For the second time Tyrael didn’t react. He just lowered a hoof and opened the book.

“Saddlebags, check. Bits in case of emergency, check. Notepad with subject review notes for pre-exam study, check.” Twilight declared to the world as she came to end of her checklist. Her bulging saddlebags attested to just how thorough her checklist had been. “Paladin looking after the library, check!”

At the mention of his name Tyrael looked up from the first page of his book.

Twilight smiled gratefully at him. “Thanks for looking after the library while I’m gone by the way. I really appreciate it.”

“It is no problem.” He glanced at her saddlebags. Spike had told him Twilight would likely overreact. Of course he actually said ‘Twilight is so gonna freak out’, but the point was made nonetheless. “I wish you well on your exam.”

She beamed, albeit slightly nervously, in response. “Thanks! I better be off. The train is already due in half-an-hour!” She exclaimed, referring to the train-station located a five minute walk away. “Bye!”

The door slammed behind her and the sound of galloping reached Tyrael through the open windows. This time, he did not open his book again. Instead, he began a mental timer.

‘...1...2...3...4...’

Spike came down the stairs, a backpack organised in a much less...bulgy way than Twilight’s saddlebags with him. He looked around in confusion for a few seconds.

“Twilight?” He called hesitantly.

Tyrael had reached forty-two when the door burst open.

“Spike!” The frantic mare shouted, “I’m so sorry.”

Spike’s jaw dropped opened as he realised what had happened. “You forgot me!” He accused, pointing at her with not a little hurt in his voice.

“I’m so sorry Spike!”

“You forgot all about me!”

The pair departed, Spike sitting between Twilight’s saddlebags with a scaly pout. After a minute their loud conversation – consisting mostly of Twilight saying she was sorry and Spike being upset – faded into nothingness.

Tyrael listened for another minute, enjoying the peace and quiet. With a content sigh he turned back to his book and opened it to the first page. To the universe’s credit he made it to page number two before there was another interrupted.

“Dinga linga ding dong!” A painfully familiar voice cried out. Tyrael had time to sigh in annoyance before two pies came flying through the suddenly open door.

He deflected the first pie with an unfurling wing, sending it to leave a creamy mess in a corner of the library. He made a note to clean it once this random encounter was over. The other pie, however, was not to be deterred. Because this pie was, in fact, a Pie.

Pinkie Pie.

“Hiya Pally-Waly!” The pink party pony of perilously propelled pies grinned at him. “I heard you were looking after the library while Twilight was taking her exam and thought you’d like company.”

He stared at her for a moment. “Ah.” Was all he said. His book, he decided reluctantly, was unlikely to survive long in her presence.

“Soooooo....what-cha doin’?” She asked, bouncing over and dropping her head onto the table next to his book.

Tyrael took a deep breath and tried to think of a way to convince her to leave him in peace. “Reading.” Paladin said calmly.

Pinkie nodded eagerly. “You’re looking after the library so you’re reading a book! That makes total sense, no wonder Twilight is always reading! She lives in a library.” She frowned and tapped a hoof against her chin, lifting her head off the table to do so. “But so do you, so...is this special ‘looking after the library’ reading or normal ‘living in a library’ reading?”

“...neither?” He hazarded, giving up on trying to reason his way out.

She gasped, bouncing in place. “Oh, oh, oh, I know! Me! I knooooow!” She cried, lifting a hoof up.

The bouncing continued, Pinkie beaming and looking ready to go on forever. Eventually Tyrael caught on.

“Yes, Pinkie?” The pegasus asked. This was feeling distinctly like when he had paid a visit to the school and the youths were asking questions.

To his relief she stopped bouncing. “The answer is; its super-special ‘looking after the library AND living in the library’ reading! Am I right? Huh, am I?”

“...yes...”

“Yippee! We need to celebrate!” Pinkie cheered.

An idea occurred to Tyrael. He nodded at her. “Indeed. You should go prepare. Start baking cakes. Plan decorations. How about tomorrow afternoon?” He suggested.

Pinkie was momentarily silenced by sheer excitement. “That’s a great idea! I’ll get started right away!”

It took only seconds for Pinkie to bounce out the door and into the distance. Tyrael wasted no time shutting the door in her wake and returning to his book. This time he made a point of not sighing in relief, contentment, satisfaction or giving the universe any other cues to thwart him.

The universe decided to do it anyway.

“Look out beloooooooooooooow!” His ears perked up and, with much annoyance, Tyrael looked up from page two.

A rainbow-hued comet burst in, fortunately through an open window. It was the only real blessing that he wouldn’t have to clean up broken glass...or blood. It would have been nice if Rainbow Dash hadn’t come within an inch of hitting him, and it would have been even better if she hadn’t hit the table in front of him.

Rainbow Dash bounced off the table, up onto the ceiling and back down against a bookshelf. She hit the floor in front of the bookshelf, followed shortly by several dozen books.

Tyrael gave the pile of books a look that could have curdled milk. Nevertheless he quickly moved over and began to clear the books off the fallen acrobat. It took him a few seconds before a mob of multicoloured hair became visible. With a tug of her mane Rainbow Dash came free.

She stared up at him with eyes that seemed to have been knocked loose. “It wasn’t my fault the dingo ate it!” She cried out, swaying in his grip. Her brain had apparently taken a few knocks as well, changing subject without any apparent reason. “Fluttershy’s mum said I couldn’t stay the night unless I wore it!”

“Rainbow Dash.” Tyrael’s voice was deadpan.

“She said she didn’t want to have to clean the sheets in the morning!” The loopy-pegasus whined, flailing wildly. She managed to neatly smack herself back to her senses. “Wha?”

Rainbow Dash looked at Paladin, who was watching her with an expression that distinctly lacked amusement. It took her not long at all to realise what she had been saying and her cheeks turned red.

“You didn’t hear anything!” She hissed, jumping into his face.

Paladin’s expression failed to change to one fitting an attempt of intimidation. If she was honest Rainbow wasn’t exactly expecting him to cave in just like that.

She grumbled, nostrils flaring. “Just don’t tell anypony, okay?”

“The issue of your poor bladder control as a child is of no interest to me.” He said, expression not changing in the slightest.

Rainbow’s expression went blank for a second. “Err, when I was a kid, yeah, it was definitely when I was a kid. Glad we could have this talk. Gotta dash!” Wings flaring she leapt for the window.

And came tumbling to the ground, a squeak of pain erupting from her lips. She glanced back to find Paladin’s heavy hoof holding her tail down.

“What the hay? Let go!”

He arched an eyebrow at her before looking quite deliberately to the mess of fallen books.

Dash rolled her eyes. “So I made a little mess.” She winced inwardly at the way that sounded in light of her previous deluded comments but continued on, “Mistakes happen. You’re lookin’ after the place, right, not like you’ve got much else to do.”

With a word Paladin lifted a book from where she had landed. One cover was gone, as were half the pages, and the other cover was barely hanging on.

“I was reading.”

“Oh. Woops?” She smiled weakly and shrugged. He continued to look at her without overt expression. Rainbow Dash slumped. “Fine.”

Despite the fact Twilight was gone the books ended up more-or-less in the right place after twenty minutes of work. Twilight would likely opt for the ‘less’ of those two possibilities. Fortunately Rainbow Dash had a lot of experience where restacking the bookshelves was concerned. She had even more experience where unstacking those bookshelves was concerned too.

“There, happy?” She asked sarcastically as the last book was put into place.

Paladin showed her his destroyed book again. “No.”

Letting out a huge sigh, Rainbow Dash pointed at the bookshelves. “Just grab another copy!” She hollered.

“There are none.” He didn’t growl. But he came very close.

Looking at his expression – and there was one now, if barely – Rainbow Dash suddenly felt the need to fix her mistake. Before his expression became...even more of an expression. A worse one, perhaps even with a stern frown.

“I’ll...go get one from the bookstore?” She offered with a nervous grin, backing away.

“Yes.”

“CoolI’llberightbackIpromisebye!” Rainbow Dash shot out the window.

With nothing better to do, Tyrael sat and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Then, unexpectedly, he...waited.

Half-an-hour passed, and Tyrael’s gaze did not budge from the window Rainbow has entered and left through. The clock sounded the passing of the hour. One of his eyes twitched.

He had began to consider going to the bookstore himself when Rainbow Dash returned. She did so in typical Rainbow Dash-fashion. Tyrael sighed and began to dig her out of the pile of books once more. A hoof broke through the top layer before he could find her, a pristine copy of the book he had been trying to read held before him.

Rainbow’s head followed and she grinned at him. “See, got you your book! Now, I gotta-”

“Restack the shelves.” Paladin cut her off, not even bothering to hide his annoyance.

She chuckled nervously before catching sight of his expression.

The books were shelved in record time.

Tyrael wasted no time in shooing her out and shutting the door behind her. Walking a few steps from the library, Rainbow Dash stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry at the hidden Paladin.

“Stupid angel-pony.” She muttered, flaring her wings and taking to the air.

Against all odds, Tyrael managed to reach page five before something disturbed him. A roar, unimaginably loud, rocked the library. It was a primal sound from the dawn of creation, a voicing of bestial anger incomprehensible to the mind of a normal pony. The building quaked as something vast strode the earth, each footfall sending thunderous vibrations deep into the ground. The page, nearly turned to page five, fell from his hoof.

Tyrael opened the door and walked out. Ponyvillians ran every which-way, many screaming in panic. For a moment it looked to him as though the sky had turned to a strange blue night hours early. He craned his neck until he realised that this was not the case.

The Ursa Major roared its anger once again. It stood as a mountain above the town, blocking the sun. Drool that could fill a reservoir dripped from its mouth. Tyrael was fairly certain he saw Pinkie surfing down a road on a wave of Usra saliva, Rarity wailing as she clutched the surfboard desperately.

“Where’s Twilight?” The Mayor, her voice as frantic as she looked, came galloping down the road. “We need her!”

“Gone.”

The Mayor stared at him, unable to voice exactly how bad news this was. From her silence he took it to be very bad.

He left her there, staring blankly into the empty air, and continued on his way.

Trixie sprinted past, screaming “It’s not my fault! Not my fault!” before leaping into a barrel and shivering madly.

He kept going.

After not that long at all Tyrael had reached the foothills of mount Ursa, or rather he reached its feet.

Rainbow Dash came hurtling down, swatted by a lazy swipe of the Usra Major.

“Ow, dude.” She rolled over, getting to her hooves painfully. “This thing bites. Whoa, Pally, what are you doing?”

He fixed her with a steely blue gaze and said nothing. Instead, he turned to the veritable mountain of astral fur and said in a loud, clear voice;

“Excuse me.”

Ponies turned back to look at the polite greeting they had managed to hear over the sounds of their own screams. Fluttershy, terrified into immobility, peeked out from her hair.

Paladin stood in place, looking up at the Usra Major.

“Excuse me!” He called once more, slightly louder.

When this had no effect and the Ursa Major simply kept roaring, he sighed. It was a sigh much in the manner of somepony who had just had a very difficult day and quite frankly he was tired of it.

He took a deep breath. Behind him (far behind him) the still cowering audience took deep breaths in anticipation.

“EXCUSE! ME!”

His bellow had the desired effect. The Ursa Major turned its head down to look at the tiny creature that had managed to get its attention.

A small leap took him into the air and Paladin ascended to hover somewhere on level with its chest. This took him a minute or so.

The Ursa Major lowered its head further, peering at the small thing curiously. The pony’s eyes, incredibly small to the Ursa, meet the much larger astral bear’s.

The look he was giving the Ursa nearly made it take a step back.

“I! AM TRYING! TO READ!”

The ponies below gasped, certain the brave stallion was about to meet his end.

The Ursa Major took a step back.

“BUGGER OFF!”

It took one last look in his eyes and the ground shook as the Ursa Major retreated back into the depths of the Everfree Forest.

Tyrael smiled tiredly. Now, he could read his book in peace and quiet.

Returning the ground, Tyrael found what must have been the entirety of Ponyville waiting for him. They stared at him in awe. He stared back, because he had no idea what to say in a situation like this.

He began to walk around them, silently. Just a little more and he could turn the corner and return to the library and his book.

Something pink burst from a haystack nearby and Pinkie’s voice broke the silence.

“Whose up for a ‘Paladin-saved-the-town-again’ party?!”

His expression twitched as the population of the town cheered in response, gathering around him and in a unstoppable tide began to pull him towards the town hall. The branches of the library, just peeking out over the tops of the houses separating him from it, began to recede from sight.

Slowly, with great deliberation, he facehoofed.

No.

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?”

“No.”

“Pretty please with apples on top?”

Paladin gazed down, quite far down, into the triple pout-and-puppy-dog-eyes. A passing stallion glanced in their direction and was instantly overwhelmed.

“No.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders lowered their heads in defeat. “Awww.”

The previously passing stallion (because its hard to keep passing when you’re flat on the ground) had staggered to his hooves, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his brain of the cuteness overdose. This, unfortunately enough, meant he caught three adorable, synchronised expressions of disappointment and heard simultaneous little ‘awww’s. The guilt very nearly made him start crying.

“Why not?” Scootaloo demanded hotly. She glared with all the fierceness of a filly wronged.

Paladin just arched an eyebrow at her and continued on his journey. He nodded a greeting at Caramel as he passed. The cobbler nodded back as his large friend marched on, his face scrunched up in an odd expression that made it look he was holding back tears. After staring vaguely into the air in front of him Caramel walked uneasily away, his mind left in a metaphorical cloud of mental fluff.

The three fillies trailed after the massive pegasus. For every step he took they had to scurry three or four just to keep up. Where he was going they had no clue but that was not going to stop them.

If they could read minds they would know his destination was a nebulous one, a state of being more than a real place. He could reach it anywhere, be it Sugar Cube Corner, the library or even the Everfree Forest. A place and time of serenity, calm and quiet where harmony with oneself could be achieved.

Or in other words; ‘away from them’.

Innocent of this knowledge but not one to be deterred if she had known Apple Bloom’s mouth opened to speak her mind.

“No.”

Her jaw snapped shut with a click as she stared at the back of Paladin’s head with shock. “Ah ain’t even said anything yet!” The farm-filly whined.

“You have now.” Sweetie Belle pointed out.

Rolling her eyes Apple Bloom snorted derisively. Or tried to at least. She sounded rather more like a pig with something up its nose. “Well, Ah have now but Ah hadn’t when he said no. Ah don’t know how he knew Ah was gonna say somethan’ either.”

Paladin said nothing as he passed the highly reflective storefront window.

“Girls, focus.” Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom shot Scootaloo disbelieving stares. “Remember, he promised!”

“He promised!” They echoed back at full volume.

For a moment Paladin looked like he was going to say something. In the end he just shrugged and kept walking through the quiet streets of Ponyville.

The girls hurried after him and turned the quiet streets into just streets.

“You promised us!” Scootaloo called out impatiently.

“So you have to join.” added Sweetie Belle.

He glanced back at them sceptically and said in a low tone; “No.”

“Applejack says ya should always do what yah promised!” protested Apple Bloom.

“So Ah did.” The Crusaders looked up in surprise as Applejack rounded a corner and trotted over to them. She looked at Paladin as he nodded his typical silent greeting in concern. “They ain’t botherin’ ya, are they?”

“No.” Paladin shook his head.

Applejack turned her attention to the frequently troublesome fillies. “Now, what’s this about a promise?” She asked them with an expectant expression on her face.

“Paladin promised he’d help us.” Sweetie Belle explained to agreeing nods from her fellow Crusaders.

“Yeah-huh he did! He promised he’d help us find a boy to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Scootaloo added with a look of fierce determination on her face.

Applejack’s gaze swung to Paladin. “That so? Only time Ah recall him mentionin’ a promise was when he was gettin’ three naughty fillies ta safety after y’all went into the Everfree on yer lonesome.”

The expression of the fillies’ in question went blank for a moment.

“Uh, well, yeah, but a promise is a promise!” Apple Bloom defended.

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo chorused.

“An’ since he promised, an’ since he don’t a cutie mark no more-” Continue the farmfilly.

Applejack cut her off. “Now stop right there lil’ missy. Ignorin’ the fact he was keeping y’all safe Paladin knows what his special talent is. It was some nasty magic thing that took his cutie mark.”

All three little faces fell. “Oh.”

“An’ didja even think how he would feel ‘bout you fillies remindin’ him it’s gone? How would y’all feel if ya got yer cutie mark, lost it an’ somepony kept remindin’ you?” Applejack went on with a frown, glancing at Paladin out of the corner of her eye. His expression was, as ever, resolute and somewhat grim giving no hint to if he did feel offended by it.

Guilt spread across the Cutie Mark Crusaders and they looked at Paladin apologetically.

“Sorry!”

“Ah’m sorry!”

“We didn’t mean to make you feel bad!”

Paladin exchanged a look with Applejack, cocking an eyebrow. She shrugged, pleased with her ability to control the fillies somewhat. He sighed.

“We didn’t hurt your feelings, did we?” Sweetie Belle asked with wide, sad eyes.

“No.” He replied, shaking his head.

Now Applejack smiled. “Good. Now, Ah can trust y’all stop this silliness?”

They nodded, still looking guilty. They turned to go when Applejack whistled. Looking back, she grinned.

“But Ah never said he’s gotten outta that promise.” She winked at them before looking at Paladin. “Jus’ give him some time. Ya weren’t gonna break yer promise, were ya?”

He sighed. “No.”

Applejack clapped him on the shoulder. “Good. Now run along an’ play, give Pally some time ta think of how he can help ya.”

“Yay!” The fillies cheered and turned to go again, shouting farewells to the pair of older ponies.

“Ah think Rainbow Dash was nappin’ out in the west fields, why not try fer ya wakin’-ponies-up cutie marks?” Applejack shouted after them.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Pony Wakers YAY!”

Watching the three speed off, Applejack stood next to Paladin and just appreciated the day. She glanced at Paladin, catching a hint of something behind his usual mask.

“That wasn’t very nice a’ me, was it?” She asked rhetorically.

“No.”

Author's Note

Just a very small snippet I felt like writing. This one is canon, set during the three weeks after Act I.

Easter Special - 'Chocolate' Eggs

I wrote this in one sitting and posted it pretty much straight away. Its entirely loony and non-canon to Justice Itself, I have no idea why I wrote it.

WARNING; NON-CANON TO JUSTICE ITSELF! MAY ALSO MAKE YOU NOT WANT TO EAT CHOCOLATE!

I recommend not eating chocolate eggs while reading this.

The Spring Spirit is just a random way to saying Easter in Equestria I came up with. I'm not christian but I am a hypocrite, because chocolate is nice.

Oh yes, and for those wondering Justice Itself - Chapter 19 should be up in a few days.

Enjoy the loony bin randomness.

***

Twilight liked to learn. It was a very important part of who she was, one of the most important after her friends, family, magic and ability to sleep in for an extra hour on the weekend because the library opens at eleven instead of ten. Nearly as important as the fact that she liked to spread what she had learned among others. Sharing knowledge was almost as important as gaining knowledge, because knowledge shared is knowledge duplicated and knowledge duplicated is knowledge never lost.

She had found a welcome student in Paladin. The once-Archangel of Justice was open to learning new things and enjoyed many an in-depths discussion once he understood a subject well enough to converse on it. There were some things, granted, that she had been forced to teach him. Primarily more practical things such as how to manage his own bodily waste functions because it turns out living for eons as a being of sound and light within armour of holy steel left him unprepared for having to do certain things.

So while it was not always a good day when she had to teach Paladin something others took for granted, today it would have been a good day and her explaining could have saved everypony a lot of trouble. Because he had just found himself confronted by a trio of excited fillies painting eggs. He would have ignored this, having decided not to ask if he saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders doing something odd, if it wasn’t for the very grump duck that had come stomping along with Fluttershy following it.

He gathered that ‘quack’ could mean quite a lot of things, many of them enough to make Fluttershy gasp in shock. Ducks were apparently rather foul-billed birds. Of course having your eggs painted by overeager little ponies could do that to an avian.

Paladin made a mistake, for reasons he wasn’t certain of, when he stepped forward to tell the duck that while he didn’t know what the problem was yelling quack at Fluttershy was not only rude but wholly a inaccurate description of her on a personal level.

“Why,” a less than cheerful Paladin asked minutes later with a duck bill impression on the ear it had bitten, “were you painting eggs in the first place? I suggest paper or cardboard, they’re less likely to break and no ducks will go on the warpath if you take it.”

“Because it’s the Spring Festival, silly!” Sweetie Belle said with a smile, bouncing up and down. Her cheerfulness was not at all abated by having to apologise to missus duck for borrowing her eggs.

“Yeah!” agreed Apple Bloom. “Ya have ta paint eggs. It’s tradition.”

Staying to keep an eye on the fillies, Fluttershy’s nod just confused Paladin more. “O-Oh yes, even in Cloudsdale. Although the eggs there were made from dyed clouds that were sealed into that shape. I was never much good at making them.” She admitted.

“...why?” Was his unfortunate response.

“Because it’s the Spring Festival, duh.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

Paladin just kept looking at them, not understanding in the slightest.

Fluttershy took a few seconds to work up the courage to ask; “Uh, excuse me but hasn’t s-somepony explained the Spring Festival to you?”

“Is it related to Winter Wrap Up?” Paladin queried. He remembered that, not long ago. At the time he had thought that at least Sanctuary had the decency to make an effort without requiring its inhabitants to change the seasons.

The gap from all three fillies told him the answer was no long before Fluttershy said so.

This led, through a series of events best covered by the description ‘pleading, puppy dog eyes and war of attrition’, to Paladin sitting in the library reading a book meant for children who had yet to gain full control of their bowel movements. He currently wore an expression of disgust.

“You allow this ‘Spring Spirit’ to make merry through your town, leaving eggs scattered around aimlessly?” He asked with a scowl.

Fluttershy frowned slightly. “Um, no, that’s just-”

“Yep!” Sweetie Belle said. “The Spring Spirit brings his eggs-”

“His?” Interrupted Paladin, looking thoughtful. He looked at Fluttershy questioningly. “I was given to understand that females tend to lay the eggs, not males.”

“Oh, well, yes-” She tried to reply only to be cut off.

“Hay, yeah...” Scootaloo stroked her chin like she had seen Rainbow Dash do once when contemplating the Mystery of the Lost Cookie Jar. It had helped Rainbow Dash find out who had taken it; although the fact it was Rainbow Dash herself was something Scootaloo had long since stopped bothering to remember. “That’s kinda weird.”

Apple Bloom looked confused as well, nodding at Scootaloo. “ Now ya mention it, it does seem a bit strange. Wait, ya forgot, they’re chocolate eggs!” She suddenly remembered.

“Oh.” The other Crusaders realised, remembering that important fact.

“The Spring Spirit lays chocolate eggs?!” Paladin rose, dropping the book. “I may be new to this, but I can see what has happened. Disgusting. Utterly disgusting. There is only one substance a living creature excretes and that this...this Spirit dares to so bravenly leave its waste about the towns of innocent ponies is not something I will stand by and ignore!”

It took a few seconds for the Crusaders to realise what he was talking about and as one their expressions turned to disgust as well. “Ewww!” All three shrieked as one, covering their mouths.

Fluttershy winced. His conclusion was.... a little off, honestly. She opened her mouth to explain but was met with four sets of mildly accusing eyes. Well, mostly. Paladin was less accusing and more worried.

“Fluttershy, why didn’t nopony tell us? Ah don’t wanna eat no Spirit’s egg poop.” Apple Bloom gulped, shuddering as she thought about the long years of devouring as much Spring ‘chocolate’ as possible. She had been eager, hunting down as much as possible.

“Even if it does taste really nice.” Sweetie Belle added, looking a little green. “The stuff it leaves around Rarity’s tastes almost exactly like Bon Bon’s best chocolate too.”

Scootaloo gasped in realisation. “You don’t think...Bon Bon always closes her shop on Spring Hunt Day, she must be out gathering as much spirit poop as she can for the rest of the year!”

Apple Bloom began to nod. “I ‘member seein’ her sneakin’ off with Miss Lyra last year, they musta gone hunterin’ together. That Spirit must like poopin’ under that tree they were unda. Ah jus’ though they were playin’!”

Drawing in a deep breath Paladin looked at Fluttershy steadily. The meek pegasus was sitting there with a poleaxed expression, entirely unsure how things had reached this point. At some point she had lost the plot and was just waiting for it to be over. Feeling his gaze she looked to Paladin and her cheeks lit up as he continued to stare at her.

“Fluttershy...” He murmured, getting up and approaching her. Each step was loud in her ears and she backed away a little. “Fluttershy, I...”

Springtime, her mother once told her, was the season of lovers. That telling had involved a lot of nudges and meaningful winks whenever a stallion walked past. Distantly Fluttershy wondered if her mother was right.

“Fluttershy...” Paladin repeated, looking her in the eyes, “I think there’s something wrong with you.”

She was fairly certain that was not how it was meant to go, but Fluttershy conceded that she could be wrong. Her heart did feel like it had just been sat on by an Ursa Major though. Or maybe Princess Luna had dropped the moon on it. She wasn’t sure right now.

Paladin continued as if nothing were amiss. “I can’t think of why you wouldn’t have warned children of this, much less why ponies as a whole would encourage it. I suspect something more is going on. Something devious.”

“D-devious?” She stuttered, blinking in helpless confusion. She was lost in the sea of this conversation and Paladin looked so thoughtful it would be rude to ask him for directions to a harbour of sanity.

He nodded and looked down at the Crusaders. “Girls, we seem to be in luck. Whatever is in the Spirit’s leavings that cause ponies to crave them it has yet to set its hooks deeply in you.” Then, to Fluttershy’s hock, he put a hoof on her shoulder. “Yet it seems Fluttershy has managed, despite her addiction, to provide use the clues to discover this. If she can fight it this much, I suspect we need only keep others from feasting this year and they shall be cured.”

The Crusaders shared a look while Fluttershy just tried to keep her wings folded and blood from pooling in her cheeks.

“What, ya mean we gotta save everypony from eatin’ poop?” Apple Bloom asked in worry. “’Cause Ah don’t think Applejack and Big Mac would really eat Spirit poop if they could help. Ah don’t wanna leave ‘em eatin’ it forever, it must be horrible!”

“The Spirit is making everypony [i[like its poop!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “Even Rarity, and she doesn’t like pooping herself, so I don’t think she’d really like eating Spirit poop.”

Scootaloo was the one to really get what he meant. “So...we need to save the day.” She smiled widely. “We’re going to save the town, and even Rainbow Dash! You girls know what that means.”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DAY SAVERS YAY!”

Fluttershy could have explained then and there that this was just one big misunderstanding if Paladin had not laid a hoof on her shoulder again, looked her in the eye and said with all seriousness; “I promise, I will see you cured of this. Nothing will stop me.”

When she fainted a moment later, her cheeks blazing red, he just took this as evidence that Fluttershy had begun to go through withdrawal from the Spirit’s evil, infectious magic.

*

Fluttershy was carried, unconscious, to the Crusaders’ clubhouse where they began their plan. Paladin left for a short time, returning with a full map of the town. Cross-referencing previous years’ egg locations with the help of the Crusaders (the location of free chocolate being the sort of thing children tried not to forget) Paladin turned uncounted ages of battle tactics, planning and stratagem to thwarting the machinations of the Spring Spirit.

Whatever magic it used to move so fast and so invisibly Paladin concluded that attempting to capture it would do nothing more than alert it to their designs. Instead, he proposed to his ramshackle trio of volunteers, they would strike after the monster had spread its villainous leavings across the town. Any suggestion of requisitioning the aid of the Princesses had been shut down upon the revelation that Spring Sunday was one of Princess Celestia’s favourite holidays and she was often seen scouring the city for chocolate eggs each year.

Fluttershy was presented with another chance to stop this madness but unfortunately she woke up just as Paladin was checking on her. Upon discovering him standing over her, his expression soft and his eyes burning with a need to bring justice on the demon afflicting Fluttershy, she had promptly fainted again.

Paladin buckled down to wait, sharing a camaraderie with the three fillies who were going to help him save Ponyville. They would go down in Ponyville’s history, he assured them, as saviours.

As it turns out he was half right.

*

Spring Sunday’s dawn began to creep over the horizon. Twilight was just snuggling back into bed, certain that she had managed to place enough eggs around the library for Spike to find. He didn’t believe in the Spring Spirit anymore, having found out the truth a long time ago. She still winced at the memory, remembering how she had began to dictate an essay on the way that in a world replete with spirits and magic ponies had managed to come up with a Spring Spirit which didn’t exist, only turning to find a teary eyed dragon staring at her, his lower lip trembling, when the sound of quill on paper never reached her ears. Not the best way to break the news.

Still, he would enjoy the hunt. Especially when he found out the eggs were a special order from Bon Bon, made with gemstones provided by Rarity.

She was half-asleep when she heard the front door open. It was probably Paladin. She wasn’t sure where he had been but he was a grown (well, physically anyway) stallion and had several thousand millennia under his metaphorical belt. She didn’t pay it much thought.

At least not until she woke up again half an hour a later, a teary eyed little dragon asking what he had done wrong to not get any chocolate this year.

*

Rarity, as usual on Spring Sunday, woke up in her old room at her parents’ house. Although Sweetie Belle had organised to have a sleep over with her little friends this year Rarity still went with tradition. Unlike usual she was not woken up by her little sister. Well, she was, in a way.

Trotting out into the living room, she blinked in early morning surprise as her parents asked if she had gotten a little bit peckish in the middle of the night. After all, the chocolate was all gone.

*

Derpy turned over in bed, making room as Time Turner slid back in next to her. She nuzzled him, happy to have somepony else to hide the eggs. Hopefully this year he had taken her advice and the eggs were actually possible to find without employing search parties and grid-based search plans.

When Dinky came in a little while later, asking if she had to go ask auntie Carrot Top for some grid paper, Derpy just sighed and started to get up. It took them a little bit longer to discover that this year it wasn’t entirely Time Turner’s fault.

*

“....Lyra, did you eat all my chocolate eggs again? I told you, those are for the hunt down in the park.”

“Mhpm? Wha? ‘mm...no? Go’way, sleepy...”

*

All over town, these scenes were repeated, give or take a few details. Most details, really. The main detail, the lack of chocolate parents (or exasperated significant others) had hidden or prepared being gone with no warning, was the one only detail really. Each and every house, empty of all chocolate eggs. Parents and children, ponies of all ages, began to leave their homes and gathered in the town square. It didn’t take long for a rather mob-like air to fill the streets and the Mayor, normally of the attitude to dissolve such gatherings without violence, started giving out torches and pitchforks confiscated during previous mobs.

Nopony knew what had happened, only that somepony had taken all their chocolate and that pony was going to be found and punished.

When the mob arrived at Sugar Cube Corner Pinkie was too busy crying, so the mob that had gathered decided she probably wasn’t responsible. Quite considerately somepony handed her a torch, before another pony decided perhaps fire was not the best idea and replaced it with a pitchfork, which was marginally better.

Certain mob veterans had to admit she waved it angrily like a pro.

When Twilight opened her front door to ask everypony to keep quiet, as consoling a baby dragon wasn’t always very easy, she just stared at them for a few seconds. When she found their reason for visiting, Twilight had to admit she was rather offended. One magical accident a chocolate thief did not make.

It was a quick decision to get to the bottom of this and the search grid map of the town Derpy kindly provided was very helpful. With Twilight’s help the town was soon scoured and found to be completely empty of chocolate.

Pinkie had to be sedated.

With vengeance in their hearts, they set off for the last place left; Sweet Apple Acres.

*

Applejack rose from bed the second time that morning, stretching her legs. It was time to go wake the girls at the clubhouse and get the egg hunt started. She met Big Mac in the hallway and they shared a smile. They normally never rose this late. It was, in fact, one of the few days that they were among Ponyville’s latest to rise.

Their smiles dropped somewhat when they got outside.

“-and that’s the eggs we found at Miss Derpy’s.” Sweetie Belle threw a basket of chocolate eggs in just as Paladin slammed the barn door shut. It bulged dangerously, as though containing some great mass. "They were really well hidden too."

“Perfect.” Paladin nodded in satisfaction, not looking up from his list until Applejack shoved a hoof through it. He slowly lowered it, arching an eyebrow at her.

“Why,” She growled with slits for eyes, “is my barn full of chocolate eggs?”

Watching his sister interrogate Paladin, one of Mac’s ears twitched. He heard a sound, just at the edge of his hearing, that sounded a bit like....rabble-rabble? He frowned and trotted towards the gate, looking down the road curiously.

Behind him a scream of frustration filled the air as Paladin finished his explanation.

“And so you see,” He said, ignoring Applejack facehoofing in front of him, “that we needed to take drastic action. I could not allow this evil creature to continue its work. I hope you have enough self-control to stay away from the barn until you have broken free of this addiction.”

“Poop addiction!” Sweetie Belle giggled, joined by her friends. This had been the most fun Spring Sunday Hunt ever!

“Hey, uh, Applejack?”

Applejack ground her teeth. “Paladin, can ya’ll come over here fer jus’ a second?” She asked with a suddenly too bright smile. “Jus’ fer a sec, Ah won’t hold ya up long. Needa tell ya somethin’ ‘bout the Spring Spirit.”

“Applejack, ya might wanna look at this.”

The dark pegasus looked at her suspiciously but complied. She put a foreleg around his shoulder and leaned in close.

“Sis, seriously.”

“Paladin, there’s somethin’ really important ya’ll should know.” She whispered.

“....Applejack...”

“Yes?” His tone was curious.

“Applejack!”

“THERE AIN’T NO SUCH THING AS THE SPRING SPIRIT!” She roared in his ear.

Over by the yard gate Big Mac facehoofed. “Lil’ sis...” He shook his head.

“What?” She looked up, glaring at him, and suddenly realised what.

All of Ponyville was looking right at her, many with horrified expressions. Far worse, however, were the stunned and betrayed looks in the eyes of every single filly and colt. Her head whipped around to look at her sister and friends, who all wore the same mask of heart-broken betrayal.

“...that was bad timin’, weren’t it?”

“Eeyup.”

The door finally gave and a wall of stolen chocolate poured forth with reckless abandon.

Just before it washed over Paladin he tapped his chin. “Oh, I get it, you hid chocolate for the children to find. That makes much more sense.”

Back in the clubhouse Fluttershy woke up feeling like she had just missed something interesting. She had.

***

Author's Note

Don’t even ask, I’ve got no idea. This is the most random shit I have posted here.