TWILIGHT! YOU NEED TO KISS-
Twilight laid in bed, using her hooves to press the pillows into her ears to try and block out the noise. Starlight living in the castle with her had never been an issue before. Sure, she heard noises coming from her room sometimes when Trixie was there, but she usually just ignored it. She was allowed to make out with her girlfriend. But the sounds of a huge raging hurricane emanating from the room below her was finally enough to make her put her hoof down.
Trixie was staying over tonight, after finally being released from canterlot jail; She had been arrested after driving Twilight (who was a car at the time) into a shop window. (See - Starlight accidentally turned RainbowDash into a car.) Twilight had to fight so hard for Trixie to be let off with an official warning as no pony was hurt. Naturally, she wasn’t pleased with Starlight OR Trixie at the moment.
And for them to have apparently unleashed a bag containing the four winds from the corners of the earth in their bedroom was the last straw.
She angrily threw the pillow onto the floor, and lit her horn. She didn’t care WHAT she was about to teleport into. She just knew these loud noises had to stop.
With a flash she was there, the purple light of the teleportation vanishing to see a suddenly panic stricken Starlight looking at her in horror.
“STARLIGHT! WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?” Twilight snapped angrily. “IT’S 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!”
“TWILIGHT! BE CAREFUL!” cried Starlight, but it was too late; Twilight could already feel something pulling at her tail. She turned to see a huge gaping cream and brown portal, ready to suck her inside. Twilight screamed.
“GRAB MY HOOF!” Screamed Starlight as she leapt forward and grabbed onto Twilight’s hoof with her own. Unfortunately, being hooves, they didn’t have much gripping power, leading Twilight to get quickly dragged into the portal.
“SHOOT! UH! TWILIGHT! YOU NEED TO KISS-”
Twilight didn’t hear the end of the sentence as she was fully enveloped by the caffeinated wormhole, the portal sealing itself shut moments later.
Starlight was left staring at the spot where Twilight had disappeared.
“... She’s going to kill me.”
Monday 5th of January, 2025
9:20AM
Twilight found herself standing in the doorway of a coffee shop. She let out a gasp of disorientation, quickly taking in her surroundings. It was a small establishment with a few tables dotting the area around the queue. Her head turned to look outside. It was a… City? Not like Canterlot, more like Manehatten… But it seemed to have technology aligned with that of the Sunset’s dimension. She saw a car drive past, which made her shudder. She shuffled uncomfortably at the clothes she was suddenly wearing; a fuzzy jacket and a scarf. She felt her mane; it was up in a neat bob. What in Equestria!?
“Starlight! Where am I!” she called loudly, looking up at the roof. “Let me out!”
All she got in response was a few weird looks from the other patrons of the coffee shop.
“... Twilight??? You’re here!?”
Twilight’s heart rose. Somepony recognised her! Maybe they knew what was going on! Twilight looked around hopefully.
Behind the counter was Trixie Lulamoon, wearing a coffee shop apron and a bewildered expression.
Twilight’s heart sank.
Of all the ponies to meet in a crisis… Trixie was not the pony she wanted to see.
She quickly moved forward past the Queue.
“Trixie!? Do you have any idea what's going on here?” She asked hurriedly.
For a singular moment, Trixie’s eyes sparkled.
“Uhm… Sorry, Twilight. I know it’s been a while since we last saw each other at school, but you’ll have to wait in line, just like everypony else~” she said with a wink.
“What? Wait- you don’t… you don’t know… you weren’t just in… Starlight’s bedroom?”
“... Sorry, who’s Starlight?” Asked Trixie, tilting her head in confusion.
“Excuse me!?”
Twilight turned around to see the disgruntled Queue, the pony at the font being;
“Fluttershy?”
“How do you know my name?” asked the timid pony, eyes widening. “A-Anyway! I’m sorry, but you came in after everypony else! So you will have to just wait in line!” she said indignantly.
Twilight froze.
Nopony here knew her.
It was like she had just been dropped into some world where Equestria had followed an alternate timeline, leading the world to be completely different from the one she knew.
An alternate universe, if you will. In a coffee shop.
“... Sorry. I’m new here.” said Twilight, and hurriedly passed everypony else in the queue.
“... Strange pony… anyway! I’d like a hot chocolate with four marshmallows, oat milk, a sprinkle of cinnamon and a light film of haemoglobin!!” said Fluttershy politely.
“Of course! Coming right up!” Trixie replied energetically, but as she turned away started swearing under her breath.
Twilight glanced back. Starlight had somehow opened up some sort of multiversal portal; something she didn’t think possible. It was impressive magic.
“Maybe if I find the Starlight here… she’ll know a similar spell to get me home?” she muttered to herself under her breath.
She turned back, and opened the door of the shop. She heard the small bell attached to the door tinkle.
Tuesday 6th of January, 2024
9:21AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop.
“... WHAT!?” She whipped her head around frantically. She was in the same coffee shop as before, but everything was slightly different. There was no queue, just one old pony enjoying a morning brew in the corner. She looked down at herself. She was wearing a parka today, without a scarf.
“Oh! Back again, are we, Twilight?” said Trixie alluringly from the counter, raising an eyebrow.
“TRIXIE!” growled her manager, who Twilight realized was Lyra Heartstrings. “What have I told you about flirting with customers on shift!?”
“Sorry boss..” grumbled Trixie. Twilight rushed to the counter, slamming her hooves on it. Trixie backed away, looking confused. “You… Good there?”
“I just walked out of that door. How can I be back here?” Twilight hissed.
Trixie raised an eyebrow.
“Last time I saw you was yesterday?” she said, her face turning smug. “You must have hit your head when you fell from heaven~”
“TRIXIE!”
“Sorry, boss.”
Yesterday!?
“No… oh Celestia please no…” she said, slowly starting to realise what was happening to her.
She turned and ran.
“... Who’s Celestia?” asked Lyra, watching her leave.
“God, I think.” shrugged Trixie.
As Twilight opened the door, the small bell attached to the door tinkled.
Wednesday 7th of January, 2025
9:34AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop.
It was very, very busy.
Twilight’s eye twitched.
“...No.”
She turned and left.
The small bell attached to the door tinkled.
Thursday 8th of January, 2025
9:02AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop.
It was entirely empty. Trixie waved at her from the counter.
“Are you actually going to buy something today?” she asked sweetly.
“...Please no.”
Twilight turned around and left once more.
The small bell attached to the door tinkled.
Friday 9th of January, 2025
9:20AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop.
She whimpered, and walked back out.
The small bell attached to the door tinkled.
Saturday 10th of January, 2025
9:50AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop.
She could see Trixie serving Dr Whooves a large slice of coffee cake.
“NO!” she shouted loudly, giving the old lady in front of her a fright. She angrily slashed her around and opened the door.
The small bell attached to the door tinkled.
Sunday 11th of January, 2025
10:04AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop.
“AUUUGHHH!” she said, groaning, and angrily stomping her hoof on the floor. A terrible migraine had started and she shuffled over to a table. She sat down, and slammed her head into it.
“Oh hey, Twilight!” Trixie said brightly as she passed, picking up some empty coffee cups off the adjacent tables.
“Fuck off, Trixie…” she groaned, face still firmly placed on the table.
“I… was just trying to be polite…” she said, sounding somewhat crestfallen. “You’ve come in here every day for a week, never bought anything, and left looking stressed… Is there something going on at home?” she asked.
Twilight’s head slowly rose to meet her gaze. Seeing Trixie look at her with such concern was a sight she never thought she’d see… and yet, here she was.
In the early morning sun, Trixie did look kind of pretty.
The voice of Starlight’s last message echoed around in her mind.
TWILIGHT! YOU NEED TO KISS-
A jolt of understanding stabbed her straight through the stomach.
This wasn’t just any Alternate Universe.
This was the Coffee Shop Au.
Twilight had read countless stories about such a situation; following the lives of two characters who slowly fall in love, despite only seeing each other in their brief interactions in a coffee shop. Usually, one was a barista, and their love interest was a repeat customer.
Twilight knew what she needed to do to escape; god knows she wasn't going to enjoy it.
“Trixie.” she suddenly grabbed her shoulders. “I need to kiss you to get out of here.”
Trixie backed up.
“Wh… What!?”
“I’m stuck in some sort of temporal loop and I need to kiss you to get out of it.” she said firmly.
Trixie’s eyes narrowed a tiny bit as she looked Twilight up and down.
“Twilight… How do you know this kind of insanity is just the thing I’m into?” she said, fully checking Twilight out.
“... So is that a yes?” she pleaded.
“Mmm… No.” Trixie replied.
Twilight’s heart sank.
“You’re going to have to do a lot better than that, Twilight.” she said.
“Trixie, please, I'm begging you…” groaned Twilight.
“Just how I like it. Here, have this. On the house.” She said, sliding an oversized chocolate coin towards her.
“TRIXIE! DELIVERY!” Called Lyra from behind the counter. Trixie rolled her eyes.
“See you tomorrow, Twiggle.”
Twilight slammed her face on the table once more, accidentally crushing her chocolate coin.
This truly was hell.
Why would Starlight have needed to make a coffee shop AU pocket dimension so she could slowburn with Trixie if Trixie had just been released from jail? None of this made any sense.
Bitterly swatting the crushed chocolate coin onto the floor, Twilight walked out of the coffee shop. She would have to abide by the rules of the coffee shop AU if she wanted any chance of escaping.
The small bell attached to the door tinkled.
Monday 12th of November, 2025
9:36AM
“Twilight! Lovely to see you again!” Trixie said happily as Twilight reached the front of the queue. “How are you today?”
“I'm… A bit sad at the moment.” Twilight said truthfully. She had decided to try and act how she thought a protagonist would in a story to hear
“Oh… sorry to hear that. What can I get you to soothe the pain?” Asked Trixie as she got a disposable cup ready.
“You sell painkillers?”
Trixie rolled her eyes. “No, Twilight. I'm talking about coffee. Have you drunk coffee before? Back at high school you would always scoff at caffeine addicts.”
Twilight snorted grumpily. Apparently, Twilight in this universe had a whole set of lore and backstory she didn't know about. Great.
The Alicorn realized this could be an opportunity to advance their ‘romance.’”
“Yeah, well… I changed my mind. Ponies can do that, you know.” said Twilight, raising her eyebrow trying to add a flirt accent to her voice but it ended up being very awkward. Trixie stifled laughter.
“I guess they can. I hope you change to be a little more smooth.” Said Trixie, filling up the coffee cup with milk and passing it over. “On me.”
Twilight groaned.
Tuesday 13th of January, 2025
9:36AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop. Today, she appeared to be wearing a shirt and tie. Did she have an office job!?
“Ex-C-YUSE me!? I asked for NO milk!”
Twilight looked to the front of the store to see a very grumpy customer looking at a dumbfounded Trixie.
“You… Wanted oat milk?”
“No. I wanted NO milk.” she replied. Twilight quickly realized it was Spoiled Rich, wife of Filthy Rich.
“But…” Trixie said slowly. “You ordered a latte? That's like… the milkiest coffee you can get?”
“The customer is always right!” Replied the agitated mare, slamming her hoof down on the counter. “I want another. And do it right this time."
Trixie glanced back frantically, but there was no other pony to be seen.
Twilight’s heart skipped as she realized what the universe was probably expecting her to do right now. She took a deep breath; customer service confrontations were one of her least favorite activities.
“Excuse me.” She said, moving up beside Spoiled Rich. “Did you at any point tell her that you wanted it without milk?”
“Yes! O-Of course!” the older mare replied, seemingly flustered at being challenged.
“Wait… yeah, you never said that!” Chimed in Trixie. “How was I supposed to know!”
“W-Well, you should have checked if I wanted milk In it!”
“You can't just expect me to check if you want milk in the milkiest coffee!”
“I… I…” Spoiled Rich huffed indignantly, threw the coffee on the floor, and stormed out.
Trixie let out a huge sigh of relief, and had already moved around with the mop.
“Thanks, Twilight…” she said tiredly. “Honestly… Ponies are so entitled…”
“I know.” Said Twilight as an idea for a move entered her brain. “And after that, wouldn't you say I'm entitled to a little… thank you?”
Trixie let out a little chuckle, and looked up at her, her muzzle inches away.
“Smooth, Twilight…” she said, smirking. Twilight’s eyes flashed hopefully.
Trixie leaned in, but moved past her face to gently place a free coffee coupon in her top pocket.
“You're getting there.” She said confidently, and turned around. Her tail smacked the crestfallen Alicorn as she finished mopping up.
Twilight shook her head, and moved away. Her ear twitched as she heard Trixie snickering to herself.
“What?” She asked.
“Ohhh, nothing… just… remembering a joke.” Trixie replied, grinning at Twilight.
Twilight's eyes narrowed a little as she left the shop.
Wednesday 15th of January, 2025
9:36AM
Twilight entered the coffee shop. There were only two mares in the queue. A pink and blue pony that she did not recognise, and-
“I'm so glad you come and visit me at work, Rainbow Dash… it really makes the days go faster~” Trixie said, smiling sweetly at the Rainbow Pegasus that stood in front of her.
Rainbow Dash was wearing a backwards baseball cap, dark glasses, a fraternity jacket and baggy trousers. She looked, frankly, ridiculous.
“No sweat man… unless you want me to sweat, ya dig…” she said, leaning over the counter and lowering her glasses.
Twilight's nose wrinkled. Uggghh… The real Rainbow Dash was not this bad.
“Haha… you’re so dreamy, Rainbow Dash…” said Trixie dreamily.
WHAT!?
“Hehe… see you later, babe.” Replied Rainbow Dash, blowing a kiss and walking out the shop, her wing budging into Twilight as she walked.
When Twilight got to the front of the queue, she looked back.
“Why was she… being like that?” Asked Twilight.
“Oh, that's just Dashthaniel! Isn't she a dreamboat?" Said Trixie, pretending to swoon.
“N… no!?”
“Well, you better up your game, my sweet…” said Trixie, finishing putting away the coffee cup she was cleaning. “Seems like you have a Rival~”
Twilight’s eye twitched. She wanted to scream and smash something.
Of course there had to be a rival.
Hopefully but the time she walked back in she would have calmed down.
With a forced smile, she turned around on her back hoof and walked out the shop.
…
She blinked.
She was outside the shop. Time hadn't reset!?
What did this mean!?
Hope built up in her heart. She could find the alternate Starlight! Find a way out of this hellish nightmare world! But where could she find her? She would have to find her address at city hall! But first, she'd need a map!
A new spring in her step, she turned left and began to trot down the busy street.
Her joy was quickly replaced with fear as she felt herself being yanked into an alleyway and pushed against the alley wall, the smell of Lynx Africa confirming to Twilight that it was Rainbow Dash.
“Who do you think you are, punk?” growled the Pegasi, her wings stretched out. “Tryna hop on my flygirl?”
“Wh- what are you even saying!?” Asked Twilight, petrified. She could handle the Rainbow Dash she knew.
“I know your type! Been workin’ Trixie for months and I ain't gonna let no lil nancy horse steal all my effort! If I see you chattin’ to her again, I’m gonna send your ass to the 2nd circle of hell!” she snarled.
Twilight squinted. She was surprised that this version of Rainbow Dash was well educated enough to know the circle of hell that adulterers went to.
“I… don't have any intentions toward her. B-Believe me.” Twilight stuttered.
“You best hope you don't.” Growled the Pegasi, throwing her to the ground and storming off. Twilight sat there, blinking.
“Why in Equestria is Rainbow Dash my rival!? She doesn't even LIKE Trixie!”
Twilight Blinked.
Thursday 29th of January, 2025
9:26AM
Twilight walked into the coffee shop, and gasped. She turned her head around to the outside. It was pouring with rain, and she could feel the dampness spread out over her mane.
“T… Twilight?”
Twilight turned round to see a shocked Trixie standing on the other side of the counter. The store was deserted apart from the pair of ponies.
“Hi…” said Twilight, checking round to see if Rainbow Dash was in the store. She wasn't.
“Where have you been?” Trixie asked timidly.
“I've been…” said Twilight, approaching the counter, still looking around anxiously. “... How long has it been?”
“T-Two weeks…” said Trixie quietly. Twilight was taken aback as she saw tears start to well up in the Unicorn's eyes.
“Trixie..?” she asked. “Are you ok?”
“You vanished, Twilight! I was so worried! I was worried I'd put you off, or you'd run off or moved, or you'd been hit by a car and died…” she said, sniffling. “I thought we had something… Why didn't you come back?”
Twilight was dumbstruck. Has it really been two weeks!? What was her excuse? What could it have been?
Rainbow Dash.
Ok, Twilight. This has to be it. The grand finale.
She took a deep breath.
“It was… that mare you were speaking to, Trixie. That ‘Rainbow Dash’. She seemed so confident and cool… and I…” she took a long dramatic pause. “I never thought that I'd be enough for you. I just couldn't compete…” she gulped involuntarily. “With her swag.”
“Twilight…” Trixie said dramatically, leaping over the coffee counter and knocking over several trays of mugs. “I was only trying to make you jealous! I'd never get with a pony like her! She smells like Lynx Africa!”
The door opened.
“I warned you, Purple horse!”
Twilight Sparkle turned around to see Rainbow Dash holding a gun in her left wing.
“WHAT!?” she screamed. Trixie screamed too.
“STEP AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND!” the rainbow maned mare roared, pointing the gun at Trixie.
“SHE ISN’T YOUR GIRLFRIEND!” Shouted Twilight.
“YES SHE IS!” She screamed in response.
“NO! NO I’M NOT!” Trixie yelled, hiding behind Twilight.
“You... You ain't?” Said Rainbow Dash, freezing in place. “You lied to me!?”
Twilight looked back at Trixie who grinned sheepishly. “I may have given her… The impression I was to try and make you even more jealous… But that was before you vanished-”
“YOU HARLOT! I’LL KILL YOU!” screamed Rainbow Dash and pulled the trigger.
Twilight didn't have time to think, she just had to act.
Straining, she pushed Trixie aside with her back leg, and spread her wings out wide. The bullet connected and burst through Twilight’s wing, causing her to cry out in pain.
“HA! I TOLD YOU NOT TO MESS WITH MY FLY GIRL!” roared Rainbow Dash.
“TWILIGHT!” screeched Trixie in her raspy out of breath sounding way. “BLAST HER AWAY! BLAASSSTTT HHEERRRR! IF YOU DIE HERE YOU DIE FOR REAL!”
Twilight had recovered from the shock of the bullet, and nodded. She charged up her horn and released a solid beam of energy. Rainbow Dash was blasted backwards, crashing out of the window and flying all the way across the street, splatting against the bank opposite the shop… and continuing to crash through multiple walls.
Twilight let out a pained grunt as she finished the blast, falling onto her side as the adrenaline ran out. Pain wracked her wing as she looked up at Trixie. The unicorn stood over her as police sirens started to wail in the distance. Twilight smiled weakly. Even if this was all fake… it felt good to save-
wait a second.
The weak smile dropped like a bag of coffee beans on a plastic cup.
“... T-Trixie… what did you mean by… If I die here I… Die for real…?” She stammered through the pain.
Trixie grinned sheepishly.
“Well, Twiggle, I… May not have been entirely honest with you.”
Twilight jolted, not caring about the pain in her wings.
“Trixie.”
“I maaayyyyyy have known what's going on this whole time.” She said. “And I will say, it was fun to see you squirm~”
Twilight felt a rage burning up inside of her.
“YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED THIS THE WHOLE TIME!?”
“Mmmmmmmabye… but come on! Wasn't it fun to fall in love with me?” Said Trixie, sticking her tongue out.
“HORSE POLICE! HOOVES UP IN THE AIR! YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR DAMAGE OF PUBLIC PROPERTY AND ATTEMPTED MURDER!”
Sheriff AppleJack had come round the corner, pointing her revolver which she was inexplicably holding in her hoof towards the pair.
Twilight's head shot back to Trixie.
“Trixie I swear to god you have to kiss me or I'm going to make that attempted murder charge into a full murder one” she said, grabbing Trixie’s muzzle and moving it towards hers. She waited for Trixie, however.
Even when confronted with death by AppleJack wielding a gun, Twilight would honour consent.
Trixie chuckled. “I think you've earned it, jailbird~”
Trixie and Twilight kissed, and everything went white.
Starlight had been nervously pacing for hours. Tempest had called round a few minutes earlier asking where Twilight was. Starlight had hurriedly told her that she was with Maud doing repairs to The Tempest Jet™. If Starlight had been found to have accidently trapped her girlfriend and the headmare of the school of friendship inside of the coffee shop AU?
She'd be poured like old soup deep into the darkest pit of Tartarus, never to return.
Luckily for her, her mouldy soup fate was altered by the caffeinated aroma of her coffee portal.
The cream and brown maelstrom opened up and the two ponies that had gone in landed on the ground with a splat. Twilight laid on her back with Trixie on top of her.
“Oh Twilight~ we must stop meeting like-” she began to tease before being thrown across the room with Twilight’s magic. The Alicorn shot to her hooves and glared at Starlight.
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE A PORTAL TO THE COFFEE SHOP AU IN YOUR BEDROOM!?”
Starlight laughed nervously.
“Well! Since Trixie had been in jail for a few weeks… I decided we could possibly make up for lost time! We were going to roleplay! And you. Uhm. Fell in. Before I could enter.” Starlight said before tilting her head. “... Did you kiss?”
“We sure did! It was effervescent!” Called Trixie from the back of her cupboard she had been thrown into.
“Oh! Good! I mean, uhm, sorry you had to do that, but… you got back in one piece… Right?” Said Starlight briskly. Twilight snorted, and raised one of her wings, revealing the small hole and blood pouring out of it.
“... Oh, did you… Trip?”
“I got shot, Starlight.”
“You what!? By who?”
“Rainbow Dash.”
“She shot you!?”
“Yes.”
“With a gun?”
“No, with a hammer! YES! A GUN!”
“Why?”
“BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT I WAS HER RIVAL FOR TRIXIE!”
“Why would she think that?”
“BECAUSE IT'S THE COFFEE SHOP AU! I! UUGGHHH NOPE! I'm going to bed. I'm not doing this. I'm going to patch up my wing then I am LEAVING and SLEEPING and if I hear a SINGLE WORD FROM THIS ROOM I'm RAZING THIS CASTLE TO THE GROUND!”
Twilight finished her rant, taking deep laboured breaths, and turned to storm out.
“Uhm… Twilight?”
“WHAT!” Twilight snapped at Starlight, but froze as she heard a rooster outside announcing it was morning. She turned her head to see the sun peeking over the horizon.
Twilight took another deep breath.
“It's. Fine. I can still. Sleep.” She panted.
“Uhm… don't you have that summit with the yaks in…” Starlight looked at the clock. “20 minutes?”
Twilight took in one last deep breath.
“.......……… I need a coffee.”
Author's Note
hope you enjoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!
love the coffee love the wife hate the kids morgage the house getting evicted
