Everyone Is Spartacus-a-miss?

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Second Person, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Equestria Girls, Main 7 (EqG), Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Anon
Length: 1858

Five teenage girls coo over Anon, ignoring their other friends and family. Everyone else pleads guilty to being 'Spartacus-a-miss.'

Five teenage girls coo over Anon, ignoring their other friends and family. Everyone else pleads guilty to being 'Spartacus-a-miss.'

Cover art credit: a friend drew this for me. :twilightsmile:

Published 2025-01-07 15:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-07 15:30:01 UTC

Friendship Or Something Like That

"Oooh, your shiny green head is just SO CUTE!" Pinkie Pie squeals. You're sitting on a couch in the Pie Family's living room, and Pinkie Pie stands behind you, patting your scalp.

"Thanks." You blush. You don't know why these girls like you so much. But stranded in a strange world, you have to accept whatever help you can get. Even if it feels kind of weird.

That includes letting teenage girls invite you to a different slumber party every night, so you won't be without a place to sleep. And letting them dress you up in pyjamas Rarity sews for you.

"But I have to draw the line at fingernail polish," you insist. "In my home world's culture, a man wearing fingernail polish is taboo. I could be drawn and quartered, maybe even killed."

Rarity gives you a mischievous look. "But sometimes, breaking taboos is fun. Daring. Bold and playful."

"No," you say.

"Aww, it's ok to say no!" Sitting beside you, Rainbow Dash elbows you in the ribs. "I don't like fingernail polish either. The extra weight costs me an extra hundredth of a second in a quarter mile run, you know?"

"I really respect your dedication," you reply agreeably.

Fluttershy walks up, holding a white rabbit. "Angel Bunny, this is Anon, our friend from another world. Anon, meet Angel Bunny."

The bunny glares at you, a red gleam in his eyes. He sticks out his tongue at you, and blows saliva in your face.

"Sorry about that!" Fluttershy pulls the rabbit away. "Bad Angel! Bad bunny! Just for that, you're getting no dessert tonight!"

The rabbit spits, barely missing your head.

Fluttershy huffs, carrying Angel away. "I'm going to lock him up, so we can have our slumber party without him."

Sitting beside you on the opposite side from Rainbow, Applejack sighs. "You know what's fun?" she asks. "This." She hooks an arm around your elbow, and leans into you. "Finally, someone who Ah can properly relax on." For a moment she tries to ruffle your hair, before remembering your hair was burnt off in the transdimensional physics accident which brought you to Canterlot City. AJ rests her head on your shoulder.

"Hey, Anon!" Rainbow says. "I have an idea. I think I could cut some seconds off my time to run a mile if I could lose a little fat, you know?"

"Sure, whatever," you reply absently, distracted by AJ's cuddling and stroking the back of your head.

Rainbow Dash says, "I think if I get boob reduction surgery to make my body more streamlined, I could make State for sure. Take a look and tell me what you think." A moment later, her shirt lands in your lap.

You stammer, and do NOT turn your head to look at her. In your world, ogling topless high school girls would NOT be the best way to make a good impression. Is Rainbow even eighteen yet? But this is a different universe, so who the hell knows how things work here.

Rainbow Dash grabs your head, turns it to face her. "Hey! Open your eyes, Anon, or I'll paste you one!" She tickles your nose. "Look at me or else!"

"Or else what?" AJ wonders.

"I'll kick Anon in the balls."

You open your eyes just far enough to watch out for kicking. Rainbow Dash is wearing a sports bra. She says, "So, how do you think I'd look with smaller boobs?"

"No idea," you admit.

"Oh, of course! You still can't really see them!" Dash reaches for a bra strap. But suddenly, all the girls' phones start playing different alert sounds, chimes and brief songs.

"What the hay?" AJ says. She checks her phone, just like the other girls. "Just got an anonymous message. Someone created a MyHay account, and..." Her face reddens with anger. "A new public post tellin' everyone my folks used to call me Piggly Wiggly! How dare they! If Ah find out who did this, Ah'm goin' to..." She clenches her fist and waves it in the air, leaving you with no doubt about what she'll do to the culprit.

Pinkie Pie growls. "They posted a photo of me eating broccoli and liver at our slumber party yesterday! My fun party girl reputation is ruined!"

Rarity points at her phone's screen. "A photo of me wearing bell bottoms with a blouse that doesn't match! Devastating!"

Fluttershy is crying. "They said I French kissed a guinea pig!"

"But you didn't, right?" Pinkie replies. "I mean, that would be too weird even for me."

Fluttershy sobs. "I was just experimenting! Everyone tries weird things in high school! Like when Applejack ate peaches!"

Rarity gasps. "Peaches? Really? I could understand pears, or oranges, but peaches! Who could ever stand to eat something so fuzzy? That's practically like eating mice."

Fluttershy sobs louder. "Don't make me think about eating mice!"

You shake your head. "Rarity didn't mean--"

Rainbow gasps, and holds up her phone. "Look! Someone posted my bra size! How embarrassing!"

Rarity says calmly, "Anyone who sees you in your sports bras that you wear as outerwear on hot days--"

"Don't argue with me, Rarity!"

"But it's literally printed on the back of your bra! Anyone can see it."

This has gone too far! You unlock your own phone, a secondhand one but it works in this world. Your fingers start tapping and sliding. The girls don't even notice you, they're so busy wailing and crying.

While everyone around you laments that their life is ruined, and who would ever do such a terrible thing by betraying their personal, private secrets this way? You wait.

Soon, there will be a reckoning! The betrayer, the secret stealer, will be unmasked!

***

The doorbell rings.

"Could you get that?" Pinkie asks. "I'm too busy thinking about how to discover a magic stone that will erase everyone's memories of horrible things."

"Could who get it?" AJ asks, crying on your shoulder.

"I'll get it," you say, gently disentangling yourself from AJ's grip. You leave the room.

A minute later, you return. Walking next to you, AJ's little sister pouts. "AJ, I've hardly seen you these last two weeks. You're always busy playing with this weird green guy."

"His name is Anon," Applejack says. "And he's the sweetest, kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful man I've ever known. Also, have you noticed our city has at least three times as many girls as guys? You call him a weird green guy, but Ah call him mah big chance to not be single or a full time lesbian."

"I don't care! It's practically like I don't have a big sister anymore! I miss you, Applejack!"

Another girl walks into the room. "Rarity! I miss you! I hardly ever see you anymore!"

"Sweetie Belle! Why aren't you at home, drilling football moves with our father?"

"Because our mother and father have been out of town these last three weeks! Didn't you even notice the note they left you, telling you to take care of me while they're away? If I didn't know how to open a box of cereal, I would have starved to death already! You KNOW what happens if I try to cook."

Rarity pales, which is really something to see. "Oh, my dear. I am so, so sorry, Sweetie."

"Sorry isn't good enough! I think I'm malnourished now!"

A tall redhead with blonde highlights stomps into the room, leading a young girl with dark pink hair. "Hello, I guess you don't remember us! We're Sunset and Scootaloo, your two homeless friends. We've been sleeping in alleys and shrubberies these last few weeks, because you stopped remembering to invite us over to sleep on your couches or in your guest rooms."

"I hate sleeping in the park," Scootaloo grumbles. "The ducks and geese keep trying to eat my hair."

"Those honking peckers, stealing our stale bread!" Sunset seethes.

Behind Scootaloo, a white rabbit lurks with evil in his eyes.

After the rabbit, a donkey arrives. "Hee haw! Hee haw!"

Before the room completely fills with animals, you raise your hand. "Who here has beef with AJ, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Rarity, or Pinkie Pie? Or even with all of them?"

Everyone else in the room except those five girls and yourself starts complaining and bickering.

"I could have died!" Sweetie Belle whines. "You know the fire department says I'm not allowed to open milk cartons myself!"

"Well a hobo could have killed me to wear my hair as a hat!" Scootaloo shouts back.

"I'm supposed to be the main character," Sunset growls, "the super cool girl, and now I'm only a bit part in my own life! Also, I had to knife a hobo for Scootaloo."

Apple Bloom complains, "I feel even more left out, because I guess I'm the only one who DIDN'T almost die! But I still miss my big sister so much."

AJ holds up her phome. "Ah reckon Ah just want to know who this 'Spartacus-a-miss' is who posted all our secrets."

"Yes," you say. "Who here is so angry you think your big sister and her friends deserve to be embarrassed in public?"

Apple Bloom shouts, "I'm Spartacus-a-miss!"

"No!" Sweetie Belle argues, "I'm Spartacus-a-miss!"

Scootaloo shakes her fist. "No you aren't! I'm Spartacus-a-miss!"

Sunset sighs. "Me too, I guess."

Behind Sunset, animals start hooting, whinnying, howling, squeaking, etc.

"Well you know what?" you say. "Maybe almost everyone IS Spartacus-a-miss. Maybe even ME."

AJ gasps. "You, Anon? Why would you do such a terrible thing?"

You sigh. "I appreciate how you five girls have been trying to help me feel at home in a strange, alien world. But even so...I feel guilty, because you've been ignoring all these other people and animals."

Outside the window, dozens of birds chirp angrily, pecking and banging on the glass.

"Maybe we need to remember to appreciate people who aren't me. Don't you think so? I know what Spartacus-a-miss did was extreme, but the problem they were fighting against was pretty bad too. So maybe it almost balances out?"

"Sure," Applejack agrees. "Ah reckon Ah know how to finish the balancin'."

***

That night, you have to sleep in a doghouse in Pinkie's backyard. Beside you rests a fifteen pound rock. Before Pinkie's sister Limestone goes back in the house, she tells you the rock is her lifelong pet, and its name is Earl.

The doghouse is a little chilly. But not having five teenage girls yammer at you all day and whisper at you all night is kind of a nice break.

You feel a warm glow in your heart, a feeling of satisfaction, because five teenage girls now remember they have important people (and animals, and rocks) in their lives who aren't you.

Addendum

Partial Checklist of ~~~Stupid~~~ Traditional Or Brilliant Story Ideas!

◽ RGRE (Reverse Gender Role Equestria)

◽ 'Herding' (Hareming)

◽ Anon-a-Miss

◽ Anon-is-Miss

◽ 'Rainbow Dash's Breast Reduction Surgery to Go Faster' is one of those arguably very stupid or serious story ideas that I've sat on for a while, not sure what if anything to do with it.