Rainbow Dash gets into an Automotive Accident

by Noobblue

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 2376

It involves Amazon and depending on your perspective, mind altering chemicals.

There's not much to say really. Normal prismatic mare, normal Ponyville morning. Normal flight, normal normalcy. Not much to say about 'normal' in Ponyville, as it doesn't tend to come around for more than the conceivable seven to eight seconds at a time.

In this case, the unexpected span of about five seconds happens.

Rainbow was practicing a trick, a little too close to the ground just as a branded van turns a corner. A series of events follows, and you really don't need me to further explain from here. Good luck.

(A personal attempt to try and include as many copyrightable things as possible in as close of a narrative turn as feasible.)

(Sister Story, much love to Estee)

Published 2025-01-17 03:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-17 03:00:00 UTC

Collision

It was a relatively chillaxable day.

Rainbow Dash had intended to treat it as such after her morning chores, that is, her job. Today was one of the few winter days in the year that Ponyville was meant to get full sunshine. Not one single cloud in the sky. Generally, clearing the sky was no issue for the Rainbow Danger Dash but company the frigid weather with the snow on the ground reflecting what seemed to be every single ray of sun directly into her eyes made the entire process an exercise in patience and eye scrunching; only of which one Rainbow Dash could do reliably.

Rushing, and a mixture of trying to put a bit too much flair into a dive led Rainbow Dash to the state she was currently in. Sprawled out in a snowbank, with the mother of all headaches coming on. She'd never been kicked in the head by Applejack before, though, if she had to put a label on how it would have felt, it would be this.

She pulled herself up, her hooves sliding into the snow as she found herself woozily leaning up on the snowbank. "Ugh." She had no clue what she had hit. Something solid enough to send her rebounding, but it had moved around the corner before she could dodge it. As she pulled herself up, she got a good look.

It was some... terrifying, abstract take on a cart. It had the four wheels, but everything past that was alien. Glass, reflective metal and strange markings written on the side. There was a curved arrow, but again, it's not like Rainbow Dash could read the strange language to begin with. The thing looked old, along with the covering of dust, rusty parts and snow certainly didn't make it look sleek. Mostly in confusion, Rainbow couldn't find the words, forgetting the cold for a moment, the prismatic mare simply blinked wearily at the thing; particularly the 'Rainbow Dash Headbutt' mark folding some of the metal inwards on the thing's side.

Rainbow's listless staring continued until a door opened on the side and a lanky figure clad in similar coloring to the strange cart got out and took a few steps away from the door, looking at the damage done to their cart. Rainbow's first two thoughts, in order, were: 'Oh Crap' and 'they haven't seen me yet'. As such, Rainbow flared her wings in preparation for a hasty retreat, only to throw up plenty of snow instead and give away her position.

The figure turned, "Hey!" They called in a vaguely feminine voice. "You hit my truck!"

"Uh! No!" Rainbow tried

"I saw you in the mirrors." She, and it definitely was a she, (Rainbow Dash could identify the exaggerated mammaries, courtesy of Fluttershy.) pointed at the reflective surface poking out of the side of the cart. "And it's all on camera too, so don't even think about running away." She took a few stomping steps forwards in the snow, "You're in big trouble."

Rainbow, taken aback by the aggression, flapped her mouth all flustered before snapping back with, "Well- Hey! It's not my fault! You came around that corner way too fast!" Rainbow crossed her hooves over her chest, "You can't blame me for-"

"Breaking Ponyville altitude regulations?" The figure smirked, "Yeah, I definitely can."

Rainbow gaped, "How- Who even are you? What is going on?"

She tapped the logo on her vest, the thing was glowing in the sun and the reflectivity of the snow. "Amazon."

Rainbow tilted her head, "Who?"

She rolled her eyes, "Not who, Amazon is the company I work for. You just hit my delivery van."

"What's a van?"

"The thing that you just hit!"

Rainbow looked back over at the van; specifically, the 'Rainbow Dash Headbutt' mark curving the metal inwards on the side. She had been caught red hoofed, technically she wasn't supposed to be flying so low, it's true. Those laws were outdated, but even so, she definitely wouldn't get away from slamming into something. At the very least, she'd have to fix it, or pay for it, or apologize. So Rainbow quickly came up with a tree of action, dictated by previous scientific ventures of trying to escape any given situation with minimal consequences.

Step one: Apologize, try to leave.

"Gee, lady, I'm really sorry."

"You're gonna be really poor." Was her snarky response. She lifted something to her face with a claw, tapping at it with one of the gangly digits on it.

Step one failed, Rainbow Dash needed more information. She had no clue who this... thing was, or what 'Amazon' was, or if she should even be concerned. She was also still sitting in a snowbank.

New step one: Exit snow bank.

Rainbow got up, twirling her backend out of the pile of snow and bounced herself forwards a step to stand in front of the figure. "I don't think so, whoever you are. I don't know why you're here, but you should know that nopony get's the better of me."

She glared, "Did I ask?" A hand went up to the bridge of her nose, "Listen, this is the last thing I need right now, I've been driving around this roadless town for nearly ten minutes looking for a..." She squinted her eyes at the thing in her claw before shaking her head, "I don't even know what that says, but I can't find it. I have other deliveries to get to, I'm not gonna be able to finish my route today for sure now that I have to deal with this!" She gestured wildly at the 'Rainbow Dash Headbutt' impression on the side of the van, folding the metal inwards where Rainbow had crashed.

The thing groaned in dismay, once again looking down at the rectangle in its claw.

Rainbow went from confused and disgruntled to moderately concerned that she was actually in serious trouble, on top of having ruined this thing's day. Disrupting the Equestrian Mail Service, by way of destruction or damaging of property, was a serious crime. Things like vandalizing mailboxes, or destroying a cart. So... Moderate chance that Rainbow Dash may or may not need backup, or to do something like find a new name.

That was probably an exaggeration though. It was only a tiny bump, the rest of the cart looked fine enough. "Well, it's not too bad," she started to mention, "we can work this out right? I don't-" really want to go to prison "want to make any more trouble for you, you know?"

The creature waved a hand, "I've already sent a message to dispatch. They're..." Her eyes scanned the rectangle, "Sending for the... pony liaison? Who-" She turned to look at Rainbow Dash and was blinded by a flash bang of purple. "AAAH!"

Rainbow Dash blinked, the yell was loud, but not debilitating. She'd been in touch range of being blindsided by one of Twilight's teleports before but why and how the alicorn knew to teleport to this specific spot was lost in the recesses of information Rainbow may have been told when she wasn't listening. That is to say, her grasp of what was going on was slipping steadily from 'uh oh' to 'what the-'

"Hi, what see-" Twilight made eye contact with Rainbow Dash, "Oh, hi Rainbow Dash."

"Hey, uh-"

"Who are you?"

Twilight turned to face the voice and craned her neck upwards, then to the side, getting a glance at the 'Rainbow Dash Headbutt' mark on the side of the van. Twilight's face switched from 'concerned friend' to 'service librarian' in an instant as she fumbled a greeting. "Hi-uh, what seems to be the... problem...? Ma'am...?"

The 'ma'am' in question frowned and lowered the glowing rectangle from her face. "Are you the pony liaison?"

"That's right!" All grins, "I'm Twilight Sparkle, it's a pleasure to meet you." Twilight held out her hoof and then lifted it up for better gripping height. Rainbow briefly considered leaving again, but thought better of it.

The woman, to her credit, reached down and singularly answered the greeting with, "Lauren." As she semi-confusedly shook the offered hoof. After they parted limbs, Lauren jabbed a thumb back towards the van and the 'Rainbow Dash Headbutt' mark folding the metal inwards on the side of the door. "Collision, pegasus, I don't know, dispatch says you're supposed to sort this out."

Rainbow, who knew most of Twilight's expressions, saw the concerned 'uh oh' in the making, followed by the attempt to slap a solution together. She turned to Rainbow, "Did you hit her van Rainbow Dash?"

It was rhetorical, of course. The mark was right there. Twilight was only biding time to think, so, as a good friend would, Rainbow Dash waited a solid five seconds before answering. "It came around the corner, I didn't mean to."

"You were flying low enough to hit another pony." Lauren countered.

Twilight, trying to be the voice of reason, "I'm certain Rainbow Dash didn't mean any harm to you or your vehicle."

"It's not much about that, but it's gonna need to get fixed." Lauren flipped a claw in a circle and then pointed at herself, "I just know I'm not paying for the lawsuit."

"I'm sure we can get your van fixed, there's no need to-"

Lauren waved dismissively again, "Have you ever seen a company sue god?"

Twilight blinked, stunned by the non-sequitur.

Lauren continued, "Why do you think I have a dimensional spanning route to begin with? We got the rights, I don't want to turn that legal team onto myself. So I'm going by the books." She pointed at the rectangle, tapping it a few times, "And the books say that this is your problem now."

"Hold on... Sue god?" Rainbow asked, and was greeted with a pair of blank expressions. "You can do that? Who even showed up for the defense?"

Lauren made a face, "Ironically, Satan, god still had him on retainer."

"What?" Rainbow Dash questioned, having no idea who that was, nor was she expecting a realistic answer to begin with.

"Lauren, it doesn't look like too much damage, I could probably fix it, if you'll allow me to." Twilight filled the dead conversation space with the intention of moving this interaction further towards being fixed; that is, the way she offered was very clinical and professional.

The woman rolled her eyes and sarcastically gestured out to the van and said, "Be my guest."

Twilight's horn lit, as did side of the van. There was a strain and creaking, metal bending in ways it didn't particularly want to. Twilight let out a nervous chuckle, "Wow, there's uh-" another concerning groan, "Lot of components in this door."

Rainbow only now realized it was a door, blame her focus or the damage, either or.

There was a flexing creak and Twilight's horn lit brighter as some plastic part inside the van decided to cash in all it's vacation days right that very moment. The damaged panel popped free hard enough to lift the left side wheels off the ground and the spinning metal plate soared away over the nearest roof, supposedly out of town.

"Ow." Said the van. At least, Rainbow thought she heard the van say something. It sure sounded like the van said something.

A single strand of hair popped loose from Twilight's mane.

Lauren blinked a few times and then brought up the rectangle again, "I'm calling dispatch."

Twilight let off a 'totally normal smile', "Wait- I understand there are rules, but-"

"I'm beyond stressed." Lauren monotoned, claw still over nose. Rainbow wasn't convinced. "Just-"

"Who are you even delivering to?" Rainbow interrupted.

Lauren squinted in Rainbow's direction, as if remembering she was here. The rectangle came back up and silence reigned as she worked the thing. Eventually her face rolled through a look of intense annoyance before turning it around and shoving it in Twilight's face. "I can't read any of this."

Twilight took a step back, but was immediately fascinated by the screen, she read off, "It's addressed to... Princess Luna?"

"Who's that?"

Rainbow shrugged, "Somepony who can place an order from a dimension ove-" Rainbow took a mental double take, "Wait, Twilight, you knew about this?" Rainbow pointed vaguely in the direction of the van after her mind caught up with Twilight's place in the situation.

"Celestia sent me a letter-" Was her abashed response, "I didn't know, I thought... you don't look like you're from the Mirror Portal."

Lauren scoffed, "I'm not, and that place is weird. Took me twenty minutes to figure out that 'vice-principal' and 'diarach of equestria' are different things."

Rainbow narrowed her eyes, the gears in her head turning over to a factual inconsistency.

Meanwhile, Twilight was still nearing a panicked breakdown, "I- That is, I'm Twilight Sparkle, I know Princess Luna personally, I can deliver the pack-"

"Sorry, we only deliver to residences." Lauren parroted, rigidly silencing Twilight while still staring into the rectangle.

Rainbow took the lull to ask, "How do you know about Mirror Portal?"

"I'm a delivery driver." Was her answer, as if it were obvious.

Rainbow fixed her gaze on the woman, "You know, this has been sounding fishier by the minute. What are you really?"

"A delivery driver." Lauren monotoned back.

"Rainb-"

"I don't buy it!" She shouted over Twilight's attempt to de-escalate the situation. "You're some sort of spy. Why else would you be so upset over a car- er- van, whatever! What are you hiding! And what was that noise? Is there someone else in there? Come out with your hooves u-"

"Hands" Twilight quickly and quietly corrected.

"Oh- Come out with your hands up!"

Lauren half snarled and opened her mouth, but was interrupted by [Trademarked Transformers Transformation Noise] as her van unfolded and stood up into something vaguely resembling a biped. "The jig is up!" It shouted, and then sprinted over the road and flipped over a house. There was a large crash and the sound of complex mechanical leg servos sprinting away.

Rainbow Dash blinked.

Twilight Sparkle blinked.

Lauren patted her pocket and said, "Dang it! My phone was in there!"

And then the Seinfeld scene transition tune played.