Iron, Wine, and American Mouths

by PaprikaBluesAndCo

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Thriller, Original Character, Profanity, Big Macintosh, Adventure, Violence, Slice of Life, Death, Human, Narcotics, Main 6, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 29139

Another human-turned-pony story. An American witch gets adopted by the Apple Family, but her old world isn't done with him.

"There was a stranger from the south that had no name,
People always said he was the Fair Folk's flame,
One day they heard he burned his loyalties asunder,
And sang the last call of the Roaring Drum Thunder."

A man from a post-apocalyptic USA found himself on the bad end of a deal with the faerie court. He learned magic, did some things he wasn't proud of, and decided he wanted out.
His benefactors didn't take too kindly to that, and he found himself cursed into a pony, and, for reasons beyond his understanding, she got turned into a mare as well.

Now she finds herself as a fish outta water, having to come to grips with a world of ponies, and his weird gender feelings, while the local farmers adopt her into the family.

Worse still, her old home ain't done with him just yet, and both sides of a magical cold war between the Faerie Courts and the Human Feds have their sights trained on the fella.
Will she be able to protect his new family and home from both the fae and the humans, or will she finally lose the one thing he never had before?

Published 2025-01-18 11:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-02 16:55:11 UTC

1 - We're Just Normal Men

The first sign that the fæ had enough of my shit was when my sight started warpin'.

You know how in some movies, the camera man will zoom in and pull the dolly back to create that change in the field of vision?
It was like that, but with my eyes.

Yup.. I reckoned this was how I was gonna die.

They figured out what I done did, The Contract was over, and the Fair Folk don't do severance pay and a two week's notice to traitors.

You'd be lucky if you got a head start. Guess I was lucky. My sight went horizontal on me, I was suddenly way more able to see off to the sides, which, ain't a good thing when you're driving a truck. I could still see forward, but I saw a lot more than just that.

I saw my fingers fuse up together, my nails - or nail, now - getting all thick and heavy on me, and my bones shiftin underneath my body. My clothes shredded apart as I suddenly felt my shoulders deepen and my legs notch back and up. My boots got awful tight before just straight up busting into leather confetti, some of it getting underneath the pedals below me. Fur suddenly poofed up all around my skin, and I swear I felt my hair grow a few inches.

My neck elongated and smashed my face against the windshield, and I could tell my nose had gotten away from me - and was a hell of a lot more sensitive.

Sniff, sniff.
Did I leave some old food in here or something? The cab really stank to high heaven all of a sudden-

In that momentary lapse of judgement and concentration, I lost control of the truck.

You ever try to drive a stick shift with hooves? It's not easy. Your feet can't work the clutch as easily, to say nothing of actually shifting gears. Or moving the steering wheel.

Bastards waited until I was on a mountain pass, too. In the rain, no less. The wheels skidded and screeched on the slick asphalt, which played hell and high water on my newly sensitive ears.
They wanted me dead, but I'd done enough for them that they'd make this a fun chase. So if I survived this crash --

The truck flew through the railing and fell, and I screamed. I ain't so proud that I won't admit to screaming in fear. You try suddenly turning into a horse in your truck cuz your capos decided that it's time for you to push up daisies. It ain't fun.

I felt the impact of the airbag against my chest, pushing my face back from the shattering glass, and I reckon I broke a few bones at the end of it.

There was silence for a little bit. I know I didn't have much time, but I was still dazed out. The glass all around me was pretty much donezo, and I could tell some of it had gotten under my coat.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.

An ancient horn sounded off in the distance, and that meant only one thing.
The Hunt had begun.

I had to squeeze around in the cabin just to get my bearings. Horse bodies ain't exactly built for the inside of pickup trucks, even if them trucks have the extra cabin space. I pushed my front half into the passenger seat, my rear hooves still stuck under the steering wheel.

There was a tree, straight through the engine. A few more meters and that tree woulda turned me into glue.

A little more squeezin, and my rear hooves broke free. I pressed em against the door. Without fingers, this was my best bet. Took a few tries, but I kicked my way out of the truck, and gingerly backed out from it.

Dammn. My baby. My truck. Look how they massacred my girl. I touched a hoof to the crushed chasis, and mourned.
Rest in peace, Drum Thunder.. You were the best damn truck this country ever saw, best there ever was. You survived every road in this country, and some roads outside it, and all the off-roading I could ever offer. This wasn't your first crash, but it sure was your last. Hell, probably kept my new horse body safe from that there tree by eating it on my behalf.

I looked into the busted up mirror and saw a rusty orange horse with a mildly brown mane. My eyes looked like the gentle glow of embers cooling off.
I sighed, and looked back at the truck.

God dammit. I loved that damn thing.

The howls snapped me outta my mourning. Right. Them fae folk was after me now. I heard the telltale barking of the Hounds, their masters not far behind. The Wild Hunt had gotten close.

Time to run.

Luckily, prey species tend to be good at that. Unluckily, I was a prey species, and I could feel my humanity sap away with each firing of the ol' neurons. I was losing myself, it was getting harder to think right. I was already injured to hell and back, making my prey brain get ready to cash in the chips.
That's what they wanted, of course. The panic, the fear, I knew all their Wily Little Tricks, I done worked with them for years. They chose thick woods, hard to run in without getting scraped up. They made sure the ground was slick and muddy, and they made sure it was night time. Perfect fear material, and I couldn't afford to succumb to it.

So I held on to what I still had, and kept running. The Hounds were on my tail right quick, making to surround me in their pack tactics, but I just ran the dog in front of me right the fuck over. Beep beep, jackass, I got a me to be!

Snorting with determination, I kept on pushing myself, feeling my lungs heave and bleed with every few hundred meters.
I was a prey animal. Not a human. I sweat, but not as much as my old body did, and that would mean I'd give out sooner rather than later.

Visions of them feasting on my remains at a banquet table flooded my mind.

"Jesus, I know we ain't on speaking terms, but if you want me back, now would be a damn good time for some divine intervention!" I prayed in my head as I kept on pounding the ground below me. One of them dogs got a chunk out of my hock, and that shit stung real bad. Then another bite, and another. I whinnied in pain, trying to cuss out my anger and fear, and found I couldn't speak aloud. Course I couldn't. Isolation from humanity is what the fae do best.

Then, I felt the Hunt gaining on me - the hounds had done their job of slowing me down some, and arrows began to whiz by me - bob and weave, boy, bob and weave!
I felt one land smack dab in the side of my back. Then another in my leg. Pain, like no other, made me scream like the feral beast I was.
"Satan? Nusku! Surtr? Prometheus?? Q?! ?? Xiuhtēcuhtli?! JXNE?! Hell, I'll take the first deity to answer my call, I ain't picky!!" I kept on praying, "Anyone!! AnyTHING! For the love of all that is good, HELP ME!"

My prayers were answered with a shimmerin cascade of rainbows overtakin' me. I found myself in the woods still, but the Hunt was gone - and they was different woods. I burst out, and found myself on the edge of a farm, late at night. The air tasted. different, cleaner, and somehow more magical.

I stopped to catch my breath, which took a fair amount of wheezing.
The hell just happened?
I felt something catch in my throat, and I hacked up some.. red looking stuff, my whole esophagus hurting like hell.
"Son of a bitch.." I groaned, before realizing something. "I can talk? How the hell can I talk, I'm a horse!"

I looked at the red mess and realized they was probably my old vocal chords - they'd been replaced.
I hissed a whisper into the night all around me.
"Hey! Whoever helped me out back there, thank ya kindly! Could ya reveal yourself so I can, y'know, pledge my undyin' loyalty, fealty, n' all that jazz?"

Nothing.
Gonna be one of those gods, huh? See, this was exactly why I wasn't on speaking terms with Ol' Oily Josh, his shitty dad, and his holy ghost.
Least the fae actually answered my calls.
A chilly bitter wind blew in from the woods behind me, almost feeling like a hearty smack on the bum, and I started to stumble my way into the fields before me.

I reckoned I could risk one night of trespassing. Worse comes to worse, a human finds me and, what, calls a vet? Then puts a saddle on me and locks me in a stall? Hell, that's free room and board, I wouldn't complain.
Hopefully they wouldn't put me out to stud, I ain't no good with the ladies.

Actually, no, worst case they'd just put me outta my misery, but I guess I'd be bankin' on running into one of them ranchers that make money filming viral videos of recovering horses. Boomers couldn't get enough of the stuff.

I mean, same, horses are damn beautiful creatures.

I saw a farmhouse near the entrance and decided to give it a wide berth, moving deep into the apple orchard. Even so, I heard a dog spook and start barkin', and for a second I thought the Hunt had found me, but naw, this was a normal dog, not the hellish beasts the fae used to track down even the most elusive prey.

Damn, these apples smelled real good. As I wandered, I gathered some twigs in my mouth, found a spot bereft of any particularly dry looking trees, and built myself a campfire.
It took a bit of doin, but if there's one thing I can do well, it's fires. After a few hours of scratching wood against wood between my clumsy hooves, the fire got burning, and I curled up beside it to rest.

The fire was a welcome respite - for the first time in what felt like years, warmth. I relaxed on the grass and watched the stars.

Fire was always my friend. It's what I used to fight, always. Molotovs, burns, flash fires, fireworks.. burning things down was how I rolled. Fire was a Statement. It was around before humanity, and it'll be here afterwards.
And dammit if it wasn't the one thing I loved most.

Felt something flash against my body. A gentle cold heat, like someone giving you a hug and you're both at different temperatures, so you equal out.
I looked at my flank.

There was a goddamn butt tattoo on it now. Swear on my ma, it looked like a real simple image of a bonfire with a big apple in the center of the flame, ashen logs beneath the fire burning bright.

Huh. Okay.

I looked back up.
Wherever I was didn't have much in the way of light pollution - I could see every piece of nebula and galaxy in front of me, the moon shining bright against it all. It was almost comforting, as if the cosmos themselves was saying, "there ya go, son, you're safe now. Take it easy."

My body ached something fierce. Had to lay still, careful not to aggravate the wounds. Couldn't rip the arrows out, that's no good. Without proper surgical removal, why, that'd be the death of me. No, best to wait this night out, then come morning I'd go looking for help-

"Alright, stranger, you best explain to me what y'all're doin on my farm." Said a feminine voice with a southern drawl that, admittedly, was a lot like mine. I didn't turn my head to the voice, I didn't want some lady seein' a horse talk.

"I ain't here to cause no trouble ma'am, I'm just a drifter passin' through."
"Drifter but nothin, you tell me the truth right now, y'hear?"
"Just cold and needed a bit o' hearth. I promise you'll not see hair nor hide of me after tonight, miss."
"Turn your head, I see you stayin still like that. Pony up and face me like a mare!"

What? Outta confusion I did turn, and found myself pretty damn shocked.
It was another goddamn pony. My ears perked up in surprise.
Whoever done pulled me out plopped me into a world of talking horses. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride, and I sure was about to ride this blessin as far as it'd take me.

That sounded better in my head. The mare looked at me real confused at my surprise.

She was a golden-orange-brown type of color, like real good solid wood, her mane the color of a hay bale. She had a stetson with enough wear and tear on it to prove it weren't for show, it belonged to a real farmhand - farmhoof? Whatever. She looked like the real McCoy if I ever seen one. She had a lantern in her mouth, and a stern look on her face that declared she was about ready to kick my shit in.

Gingerly, I stood up, and winced. Forgot about the wounds in my body. I saw the mare's shock on her face as I turned my body, arrows still stuck in my side, bites all over my leg, cuts, bruises, and what have you.
"Land's sakes alive!!" She gasped. "What in tarnation happened to you, ma'am?"
"MA'AM?!" I shrieked, in what was what I hoped a manly way, then impulsively checked myself, not caring for politeness.

Yup. It was gone.
"Them bastards took that from me, too.." I whimpered, and the mare looked right confused.

That right there was the tipping point, my brain couldn't take the horrors no more. I felt something in my spine flip a breaker switch, and I was out like a light.

Eventually I woke up in some hospital. Which at least confirmed I wasn't dead.
I sat up a bit and inspected my body. Bandages. Bandages. Butt Tattoo. Bandages.

A nurse walked in, carrying a clipboard in her hoof, and if I weren't versed in magic, I woulda been stumped as to how. But my years of practice let me see a sorta undercurrent of magic, like a secondary blood system, rushing to the hoof.
Noticably, she hadn't seen me yet.
"Uh, scuze me-"
She gave the slightest of flinches, before looking up at me, and givin' me a professional smile. "Ah. You're awake. That's wonderful, for a while there, we were worried you weren't gonna make it."
"...Yyyeaah. How bad was it, if I could ask?"
"Multiple broken ribs and leg bones, a punctured lung, concussion, two arrows stuck in you with a minor poison on the tip, multiple bite wounds from a wild animal that developed infections, contusions, lacerations, and internal bleeding." She read from the chart, then looked up at me with a pang of sympathy. "You were out for a week."

"..I reckon I shouldn't be alive."
"No, ma'am," she said, I flinched, "By all rights you shouldn't be, but here you are, awake and alert. Nothing short of a miracle, but I think that if Applejack hadn't brought you here when she found you, that might've sealed the deal."
"Applejack."
"Yes, Applejack. Her family owns the farm you were found in?"
"Right! Okay, yeah, I remember now."
"You family with her?"
"Huh? What, no."

The mare looked genuinely surprised, and had the dignity to blush and look ashamed. "Oh, my apologies, I had just.. assumed that with the apple on your cutie mark, you were part of the Apple family - you have the Southern Equestrian accent and they typically are of a sturdier build, what with their majority being earth ponies like you. They're kinda notorious for being all over Equestria."

I took a few mental notes in my head.
I sounded like a member of the Apple family. I had a.. 'cutie mark', hell of a name, that. And I was, to these folk at least, an earth pony.

"Supposin's since I took a few bumps to the head, would you mind giving me the lowdown on what other kinda ponies there is?"
The mare tilted her head patiently. "Well, there's pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies. The town you're in, Ponyville, is also home to a zebra resident, a few cows, and it gets a few griffon travellers."

Ponyville? Heh! That'd be like if there was a human town called "Mansfield"- Oh wait, no, nevermind, I been there.

"And, speaking of bumps to the head, now that you're awake and conscious, I'd like to ask you a few questions, to see where you're standing mentally." She said as she produced a pencil from her mane, and held it in her mouth.
"Ask away ma'am."
"Do you remember your name?"
"..Can we roll back around to that one? I needa jog my memory."
She looked at me, wrote something down, and continued. "What happened during the night that you were injured?"

I coulda said wild animal attack if it weren't for the arrows.

"Well ma'am, I don't rightly know. Everything from before today's sort of a blur. I remember running for my life, I remember.. the sound of animals chasing me, and.."

I swear I heard the Hunt's horn and looked out the window.
She didn't hear it none, and she looked to me, then followed my gaze, and we both saw nothing.
"Patient presented auditory hallucinations and paranoia.." she quietly said to herself, writing it down. "Possible signs of PTSD."
Oops.

After that, she gave me the typical barrage of questions, and when I "found" I couldn't answer most of them, she came back around to the first question.
"Now, since you've given your memory a jog, can you remember your name at all?"

Now, this was important. Names had power. Hell, I gave mine to the Fae when i signed up to work with them, so as of right now, I didn't have a name. But whatever god done pulled me outta that mess gave me a second chance, and that there meant a new name.
I had to be smart about this. I couldn't just look around the room and say somethin like I.V. Drip or Defenestration, but look around the room I did, and my eyes landed on that there cutie mark.

Huh. Now that I gave it some thought, it was fire. Precious, warm, burning, dangerous, volatile, something you had to respect, and it would respect you back. The great equalizer. The all consuming, the hearthwarmer, the thing that kept us alive in all our hearts.
The apple inside it, I didn't get. Good food, don't get me wrong, fruit of all time, but I wasn't sure about the symbology of an apple on fire on my butt. Maybe it was assigned by whatever god ran this place. Would make sense, wouldn't it? Maybe they already had some plans in store for my gormless ass.

That, and it also looked like I was bakin' the apple, and baked apples? That shit is real tasty. Specially with butter.

"Bonfire... Apple..bake." I nodded. "Bonfire Applebake."

The nurse looked up at me with a quizzical deadpan that slowly turned into a smile. "Are you sure you're not part of the Apple family?"

2 - A Life As Sweet As Candy

I thought I'd never live to know a world where hospitals didn't charge you for treatment.

Keyword being thought.
"You're serious? I owe y'all nothin'?"
The lady at the front desk looked up at me with a patient but incredulous expression. "I am serious, Miss Applebake, this is the third time you've asked me. Medical expenses are covered by the crown." She answered. "All we ask is that you stop by in a month for a follow up to make sure your recovery is going smoothly. If you feel sick in any way, pertaining to these injuries and within reason, do not hesitate to call or walk in."

Goddamn!
"Well, I, thank you kindly, ma'am." I said with a smile.
"Just doing our jobs, hon. Have a good day."

I trotted out of the hospital and looked around. Wonder what I could do to find a place to stay for the night? Maybe I'd pull a John Mulaney and start pushing folk around, sayin', "Excuse me! I am gay. I am homeless. I nearly died last week. I'm NEW in town~."

..Nah.
Instead, I made to wander aimlessly about, and as I did, I realized something funny.
I was tall. Real tall, standing at least half a head above every pony I passed, and they all knew it, the way they all kept throwin' their heads around to do a double take. Sometimes, I'd give the folks a casual nod or wave, and that would make em blush and look away, or in the best cases, they'd just wave on back with a smile, like the mail lady pegasus blondie with the cross-eyes.
Friendly place.
Only weird case was a pink-on-pink mare who jumped as high as I was tall, gasped like she never breathed before, then ran off like she was getting chased by the Hunt.

I decided not to dwell on it.
After a while, the gravity of the situation settled in some. I really was a stranger that rode into town, and if everyone kept sayin' I was an Apple family member.. and Applejack was the one that found me on her farm..
Rumor mill musta been flyin' fast.

Actually, y'know what? I decided that I owe that Applejack lady a thanks and apology for that night. So I asked around some, and some friendly ladies running a flower shop pointed me in the right direction.

I passed the gates to "Sweet Apple Acres," hell of a name, and I heard some kinda repetitive thwacking sound. Was someone cuttin' down a tree? I moved in the direction of it, and saw that lady movin' a bucket full of apples to a cart.
"Miss Applejack?" I called out. She looked up, and her ears flicked a bit.
"Oh, you again. Thought you promised I wouldn't see hair nor hide o' y'all."
"Yeah, well, I was kinda dyin' when I said that, so.."
She grimaced a bit, clearly remembering the grisly image of my broken body. I decided to get this conversation back on track. "Wanted to give y'all an apology, and my thanks, for that night. My name's Bonfire Applebake.' I held out a hoof in offering. She bumped it back.
"Applejack. Pleased as punch to meetcha, though I don't recall seeing you at the family reunion."
"Folks keep sayin' that." I said, looking off to the side a touch frustrated.
"Are you.. not an Apple?" She tilted her head, confused.
"Well, I uh--"

Before I could explain myself, a little filly came running up the path, shouting like there was no tomorrow. "Applejack! Applejack!" she shouted, "Rarity wanted me to tell you about the plan for tomorrow at the Social!!"

Applejack tipped her head down, and the little one whispered all conspiracy-like into her ear. Applejack nodded and whispered back, then the kid grinned and nodded, turned to run, and only then just noticed me. She looked up at me with big wide eyes.

She was tiny compared to me. Barely made it past my knees.

"Oh, where are my manners," Applejack chuckled, "Miss Bonfire, this here's my little sister, Apple Bloom. Apple Bloom, this is Bonfire Applebake."

The youngin' gasped, "ARE YOU ONE OF MAH COUSINS?"
A quick glance to the big sister, seeing her eyebrows cocked like a gun, told me that the answer was, "No, I ain't, despite what it looks like."
She got confused then. "But.. but..!"
"Tell ya what. You got homework to do?"
"Yeah.."
"I gotta talk to your sis about somethin, but if'n I'm still round these parts by the time you're done with it, I'll get to tellin' you about the time I escaped from a burnin' building and defeated a magma spewin' monster. How's that sound?"
The girl couldn't have been more delighted if I'd handed her some deep fried caramel apples.
"Okay!!"
She sped off like a bolt. Kids is the same in all universes, I guess.

I turned back to the lady, and saw she had a curious look on her face, lookin' over at the filly.
I sighed. "Look, miss Applejack, I'mma be real honest here.."
That seemed to get her attention. "I ain't from.." I gestured around at everything. "Here. Not this town, not this country, not this continent, not this.. planet - hell, I ain't even sure I'm in the same dimension no more. I ain't just a fish outta water, I'm a worm that ended up on the moon."

As I spilled them beans, I looked out into the horizon. The wind brushed my hair softly, then danced upon the leaves and the grass, and my lips lightly parted, a sigh resting upon them, ready to be blown off like a wish on a dandelion.
There was a bit of silence, and for a moment I worried I done said too much, but then, I looked back to her, and she just looked.. some kinda mix of happy and sad that I ain't got the vocabulary for.
Sue me, I'm from the American south. I didn't go to a good school.

"You don't say..?" She said with a soft tone of voice. "Well, where you from, pardner?"
"The United States of America. Real mess of a country. Nasty place."
"Amareica?"
"No, no, America, M-e-r."
"Weird name. How'd you end up here, then?"
"Y'know, it's the darndest thing. Let's just say, my last 'employers' were in the process of 'terminatin' me with 'extreme prejudice'," I chose them words carefully in case the little one was listening in, "and I called out for some divine intervention." I waved my hoof all magic like, "Next thing I know, a rainbow blasts me and I'm on the edge of y'all's farm."

The mare seemed a mite surprised. It was like she had an uncanny ability to pick up on liars, and I'd told her nothing but the honest truth.

"Hoo-ee, that's story you got on you. You must be needin' some help then, huh?"
"Well, yeah." I finally let the sigh I was holding up go. "I was wondering if I could work here while I get my hooves under me. Earn my keep and such, helpin' around the farm like any ramblin' man oughta do."
"What's a man?"

I snorted. Couldn't help it, the way she said it was so damn innocent, reminded me of the way Geoffrey from Fresh Prince said "What's a woman?" that one time. I chuckled and snickered, before correcting myself. "Slip of the tongue, does ramblin' mare work any better?"
"Hah! I reckon so, but I'm still curious about what a man is."
Miserable little pile of secrets, I thought to myself.
"I'll tell y'all later."

She tapped her hoof to her chin thoughtful-like. "Hm. Tell ya what, let's see how well ya buck apples."
Well now that got me confused. "Uh.. Don'tcha mean, pick, apples?"
She chuckled. "Well now I know for sure y'ain't from these parts."
She placed some empty wooden buckets she had on standby under a tree, fit to burstin' with apples ripe for the pickin'. Then she kicked the damn thing, and with a burst of magic like I never seen before, apples came raining down from on high.
I whistled low.

Then she set up some fresh buckets for another tree, and pointed to it.
"Buck the apples off of this here tree, and I'll let my family know we got an extra set of hooves on the farm."

There was magic to it, I knew that. I weren't much good at plant magic, though, considering my element was the thing that tended to kill plants but good. I pressed my hoof up to a tree, then an ear, listened in on it, and heard its requests - right here, please, it whispered. I warned it, I ain't gonna be gentle, and it replied, that's okay. I nodded. Well. If y'all say so.

I aligned my rump with the tree, did a few practice kicks in the air, and then backed up for the real one.
Applejack studied me with an even expression on her face.

Lift up, coil, kick, THUNK! I felt the shocks n' vibrations run wild through me, and I swore the earth did shake a little. Then I heard the literal fruits of my labor come on down. Not all of the apples fell from my kick, but a good amount of them did. I grinned, and shook my head n' mane all proud like, holding my head up high.

Applejack smiled and nodded approvingly. "Not bad, sugarcube, not bad. You held back a bit, I can tell. These trees can take a buckin', so don't you worry about breakin' em."
"Was more worried about burnin' the poor thing down."
"..Wha?"

I turned a bit to show my.. what was it again? Cutie mark? Yeah, that. "I done got this last week, and I can't make heads or tails of it, worried it means I burn things or something."
She nodded her head. "I getcha. Well, so long as y'don't go burnin' down my orchard, and you got yourself a place on this here farm."
"I'll do my best, miss. Now where'd'ya need me to buck?"

Sundown had come round. Applejack's gramma had invited me to supper, even though I weren't part of the family. She weren't hearing none of my excuses, kept tellin' me I needed more meat on my bones, that I spent too long without a proper meal.
I mean.. she weren't wrong, I'd been survivin' off canned foods for years now. I only had the pleasure of eating at faerie feasts when they wanted something out of me. All other times? I was on my own, and the fae don't pay in dollars.
They pay you in time still alive.

Granny Smith, though, she served a meal worthy of a Texan Thanksgiving, full o' food I ain't had in years, like cranberry sauces and pies and hearty noodle-veggie soup, real tasty stuff, and no strings attached to boot. At some point during the meal, Apple Bloom, the lil' filly, asked me about that story. Moreso, excitedly reminded me about the offer.

And so I found myself at the dinner table, recalling a pretty rough night on the job.

"..Now at this point, the salsamander, it was puking up the magma like nobody's business, the heat making this ol' abandoned manor catch fire real quick, and that's when I realized what it was doing! It was fixin' to make a nest of magma out of the manor, keeping it hotter than a furnace to make it a prime place to lay its eggs."
Apple Bloom listened to me slack jawed and wonder-struck.
"Obviously, burning the house down I like I planned too weren't gonna work, but what I did have was a dam full a' water up the road, and if I managed to open the floodgates, the water could cool the magma to rock and trap it inside its own nest!"
"Whoa!"
"And that's when I try to get out, and the only safe places to walk, is the furniture that hadn't been consumed by the lava yet. I had to literally play 'the floor is lava'!!"
"NO WAY!"
"Yes way! So I'm hopping around the furniture like a big ol' frog, careful not to slip and fall into the stuff, and it's working up a sweat in me! Sh-shucks, I'm getting thirsty just remembering it!"

I was. I scooped up the glass of water with a hoof and had a hearty chug. I slap it back down and keep goin. Had to watch my language around the kid.

"Finally, I make it to a window, and jump through! And I find that just about all the grass near the house is already on fire, so I gotta run through it, real quick, and as I get outta there, i realize, the forest itself is catchin' fire! So I gotta outrun a forest fire, and those things travel a lot faster than you think!"

By this point the rest of the Apple family is also listening into my story.
"Now, I had two choices - I could take the long way round up to the dam, and likely burn up, or," and I paused for dramatic effect, "I could use my grapplin' hook to climb up the dam."
"You had a grapplin' hook?!" Apple Bloom shouted.
"I did! So I threw that thing up as high as I could get it, and it hooked right on the edge of the dam, and I start scramblin' up there like a lil bug, trying not to pass out from all the smoke and heat, and then when I finally make it up, y'know what I figure out?"
"What! What!" By this point the filly's bouncin' in her chair.

"The floodgates. Have rusted. Shut." I tapped my hoof against the table with each period there.
She held her hooves up to her face, excited and concerned for me, and I kept on going. "Now, I'm telling you this with the pretense you never, EVER do what I did. Cuz what I did next was stupid and dangerous. Stupid dangerous! Could get your hurt real bad, or killed."

"A-aight.." she got a bit worried there, so I picked back up the excitement with one sentence alone.
"I found a crate of dynamite in the abandoned mines nearby."
"NO WAY!"

"I did! And I was too hopped up on adrenaline to think any better, so I rushed it to the edge of the dam, and just dumped that crate down the sides into the fire! Then I gun it, running like the wind to not get blown up. Fifteen seconds later, ka-BLOOIE!" I threw my forelegs up in the air and accidentally knocked over my cup. I grabbed my napkin, and kept telling the story while cleaning up the water, "The dam straight up explodes, the entire lake flooding into the ghost town, and I'm still scrambling, cuz now there's debris flyin' everywhere, and I duck back in them mines until the noise finally stops!"
"Whoa..."
"And y'know what I saw after all that was done?"
"What?"

I made a sweepin' gesture with my hooves.
"I stumble outta them mines, and I see the water floodin' into the ghost town with the salsamander's nest smack dab in the middle, turning the entire place into a lake with a perfect island in the middle. That salsamander could never break out, cuz every time it cracked a hole in its nest, why, water would just come flowing in! I beat the monster and stopped that fire... And hoo boy, was I tired after that. Pretty sure I fell asleep in a minecart."

Apple Bloom hopped around the table in excitement, "That's so cool!" Then she stopped and pointed at my butt. "Is that why you have a cutie mark in fire? Cuz you can handle it real well?"
I looked at it, pondering the thought. "Maybe, maybe." Wasn't about to tell the excitable filly with a spirit for adventure about my affinity to fire magic. "I don't fully understand this thing, I got it while out camping one night."

Not a lie, I was camping in the orchard when I got it.
"You're so cool, Bonnie!" Apple Bloom said, jumping up and hugging me tight suddenly, which made me freeze up a touch. Applejack was lookin real amused, and Big Mac had a soft smile on his face.

Now, everyone else in this house been callin' me "Miss Bonfire", but the kid just cooked up a nickname for me then and there. A feminine nickname, too. Wasn't sure how to feel about that.
The weirdest part was that when she said it, I felt a touch more comfortable with the thought of being a lady now. Just a smidge, I hadn't lost it just yet.

"Well, I appreciate it, kiddo, but it's gettin' late. I reckon I better find myself a place to sleep for the night."
The kid looked real disappointed, then her ears perked up and she looked at the rest of her family. "Can she stay with us? Please please please pleaaaaaase?" She threw in some professional grade puppy dog eyes for good measure. Applejack and Big Mac deferred the decision to Granny Smith, and she assessed me through her squinty ol' eyes, the wisdom of the ages looking down on me like a court judge.

"Wellll I reckon y'can stay fer now, but you best be sure to do your chores n such, y'hear me, young lady?"
"Yes ma'am." I knew not to disrespect the elders of a house like this. My Gramma was the same.
Good woman, she was. God rest her soul.

The Apples had one of them couches that folded out into a futon, and Granny produced a quilt from somewhere.
I weren't quite ready to tuck in just yet. I kept starin' at the mirror in the bathroom after the others had gone to sleep.
I lifted up one hoof and pressed it against my cheek.

Squiiiissh.
Yup. That's the horse's mouth. Stuck my tongue out and made a funny face, pulling my lips up into a bit of a flehmen.
I looked real stupid. I snorted in amusement, then licked my lips and had a bit of a chew.

I felt oddly comfortable in this carcass. It was nice, which was why I kinda quietly freaking the hell out. By all rights, I should be upset with the lack of manliness under my tail, and way more panicked about the whole "turned into a goddamn horse" thing. I reckon I should've been struggling to even walk like some newborn babe- er foal- but, no. I hadn't done any of that. No problems at all.
I hadn't put any thought into readjusting how I walked, grabbed objects, how my body language worked, nothin'. It's like my body came off the rack and I slipped right in ready to go. My soul was a cassette tape and they just popped me outta my truck's tape player and popped me in a radio. That kinda situation.

Now, I ain't one them furries I done seen wanderin' round convention centers durin' my travels. Me being cozy with the new horse body, that weren't the same thing. Least, I sure hope it weren't.

I wandered into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. My hoof was able to magically grasp the glass just so, keeping from falling and makin a big ol mess.

The part that was gettin' me the most was the fact that everyone here saw me as a girl, and I wasn't too sure how to feel about that, cuz, hell I reckon the Ol' "Battle of the Sexes" works different here.

Took a sip of my drink. Stared out the window.

What the hell did them scientists call it? Sexual di..cottony..? Some shit like that. Truth of the matter was, Big Macintosh and I were built about the same. I reckon if I got turned into a human girl, that'd make my life hell, but here, that didn't look to matter so much. Course, I sure as shit was talkin' out my literal horse's ass, maybe there was a whole new layer of man vs woman stuff I weren't aware of yet. Mare vs stallion. Heheh.
Oh well. Burn that bridge when we come to it.

I sat there in quiet contemplation, sippin' my water and watchin' that moon sail across that starry sea. A little song bubbled up in my throat, and I couldn't help but quietly murmur that song my pop used to play all the time on the stereo.
"I see, a bad moon risin'.."

3 - The Gambit of Night

Life was going good.

It had been a few weeks now, and all sorts of events occured. That social thing the sisters had been talkin' about was something called the Sisterhooves Social, pretty much a relay race with your sister.

I mostly hung out with Big Mac that day, who seemed just fine with us sharing some cold ones and contented silence between us while the sisters were off doin' their thing. He seemed mighty thankful for my company, and opened up a bit, talking about how he wished he could participate in something like the Social someday.

I shrugged. "Maybe you n' me can join in on it next year."
He flinched, side-eyed me, and said through gritted teeth, "I ain't exactly a mare.."
I slowly took a sip of my drink. "Buddy, up until a week ago, I was a stallion human. Now I'm a pony mare. Life comes atcha fast."
His eyes widened. "...You was a stallion..?"
"Eeyup."
He looked off in the distance, thoughtfully. "That explains so much about you.."
I laughed hard at that.

That Pink mare, the weird one, apparently had a tradition of throwing every pony that came to town a welcoming party. Walked into the barn one day, and got flash banged with confetti and a chorus of "SURPRISE!"
For a bit, I was freaked out, thinking the Hunt had found me, but naw.. Took a while to still my beating heart, though. If nothing else, it helped me be introduced to the fine folk of Ponyville.
Though, everyone kept asking if I "really was Applejack's cousin"..
Weirdest part of that was when the Pinkster handed me a piece of apple-shaped apple cake, and said to me, "Welcome to the family, Bonnie!"
No idea what that meant. Good party though.

A few days after that, Apple Bloom got her cutie mark! Least, I thought she did, until more n' more of them kept appearing on parts of her body. It was freaky, seeing her get puppeted by magical forces in a real familiar way. Applejack looked after her sister while I was sent into the Everfree to find some lady named Zecora. Turned out there's a druidic alchemist in them woods. She was on her way to Ponyville anyhow.
Weirdest part was when I came back to see Apple Bloom lifting a thousand kilo dumbbell like it was nothing, with her TAIL.
I didn't know our tails was prehensile like that, but then Zecora did the same thing to pull out some seeds from her saddlebags.
Eventually Apple Bloom spilled the beans and revealed she stole a flower that gave her something called cutie pox.
Damn magic, you scary.
With her lesson learned, she was restored to her usual energetic self.

Other than the occasional wilder days, it was a simple day in, day out routine of working on the farm, sharing a drink with Big Mac after supper, dreamless sleep, repeat.

Yup. Life was going good.

Too good.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And drop it did.

It was on the tail end of fall, something called the running of the leaves comin' up soon. I had gotten cozy on that couch, and was sleeping, when suddenly, I dreamed.
That was a bad sign. I don't usually dream. Not unless..

Oh no.
"Oh yes," purred a slithery voice from behind me. "It has truly been far too long since our last chat."
I turned my head around, and saw the Queen of Night, Herald of the Winter Court, my fuckin ex-boss, grinning wider, and wider, rows of teeth, like a shark, and then far too many teeth beyond that. I started sweatin'.

"Not many are so lucky as to survive a Hunt. It took my court many weeks to find you again, little witch." They ran a claw under my throat, threatening to slit it open. My teeth chattered and I got clammy with sweat. "We have never seen this world before.. and oh, how magical it is~."

Wake up, wake up, oh god, wake up. My boss's smile turned into an enraged hiss. "Your precious Harmony couldn't keep you safe forever, little traitorous PEST."
They suddenly pulled away, and I was left in the darkness, looking every which way.
"But you, oh, you! You have led us straight to an untapped wellspring of mana, and POWER. We will use this land to fuel our conquest, and cover the world in woods once more, to drive your PITIFUL race of APES back to the SAHARA where they belong.

Woods sprung up all around me. "But.. now, we will take this world for ourselves as well.. And then we will dance, drink, be merry, and FEAST UPON YOUR FLESH!!"

Claws, so many claws, shot out from the darkness to snatch and tear me apart, but they hit a dome of magical deep blue glass.

My Boss's eyes stared at me through the darkness, like a cat's eyes shining in the light. I looked to my side.
A winged unicorn, deepest blue with stars dancin' in her mane, was standing next to me, emanatin' raw amounts of power.

My boss tilted their head, then kept tilting it further, till it came all the way round back upright.
"Hmmm. Interesting.. we will see, about that. But.. it is no matter.. We! have left.. a little gift. For you~! Hoohoohooohooooo~! Come and play with our little dollie...~"

And then my boss, and all their claws, faded into the darkness. The winged unicorn looked to me, and gave me a smile. She made to open her mouth, to say something, but--

The dog started barking.
I jolted outta sleep, n' glared at the dog. She looked right spooked, like she could tell somethin' was wrong, then I heard a small muffled scream from upstairs.
Apple Bloom!

I hurried up them stairs, the rest of her family was already rushing to her bedroom, and they gasped in shock at what they saw, and I don't blame em, given what they was seein'. I skittered in behind them. They was all stuck in the door way, gaspin at the sight in horror.

A quick assessment told me this was somethin' fae, a freakishly tall humanoid figure, taller than the house. It had a long gaunt limb reachin' into the house, grabbing onto Apple Bloom through the window, and she was hanging onto that windowsill like her life depended on it.
It did.
I hurried down them stairs and raided the kitchen.

Salt? Easy to find, there was a whole can of it.
Silver? Opened the drawer and grabbed some cutlery. Licked it.
Yeah, that would work. I found a set of saddle bags, threw the salt n' silver in them bags and looked around again.
Iron? That was a tough one. The longer I dilly-dallied, the less time Apple Bloom had.
I looked out the window and saw a wrought-iron pitchfork leanin' against the barn outside.
"HANG ON, APPLE BLOOM!" I heard Applejack shout upstairs, a mess of hooves on the wood tellin me she done jumped into action.

Brave. Real brave.
I decided that gettin' that pitchfork would be plan B, first thing was first, I looked around for anythin else that might help me.
The lantern that Applejack had when she found me was sittin by the door, a few matches and some extra oil sitting by it as well. Perfect. Fire. Fire good. I snagged the oil and the matches, threw it in them bags, and ran out.
Step one: Stop that damn Stick-man thang from gittin' away!

Ran outside and on the way I grabbed a silver knife from my bags, and I saw the damn thing throw Applejack clean across the yard! She screamed, landed somewhere in the trees, and the stickman turned and started stompin' away, n' I weren't about to have that. I held the knife in my mouth, and went for the ankle, stabbin' into it with a jabbin' swing of the neck. Its screams were like a nasty blizzard wind, threatenin to freeze you stark stiff. But it worked. The 'flesh' hissed and burnt red hot, and the stickman fell to the ground, and I hurried along its trajectory to stab a silver fork in its wrist when that hit the ground too. That made it lose control of its hand, and it let Apple Bloom go. Yee-ha!!

"RUN! GIT!" I shouted to Apple Bloom, n' she didn't need to be told twice. "GIT TO YER FAM'LY!"
She turned back to look at me while she ran, quiverin' lip asked me an unsaid question, 'But what about you?'

"I GOT THIS! MOVE!" I answered, before its other hand grabbed me and tossed me straight up in the air, like my ass was a flapjack getting flipped, and it made me nauseous as all get out. From my spinnin' flyin' grace, I could see Apple Bloom makin' a run for Big Mac, who was also makin' a run for her. I also saw the stickman gettin' movin to grab her again, and I'm pretty sure Mac yanked her away from the claw just far enough that she was safe. That's all I could see before the nausea took precedent.

By the time I was back down on the ground, I was about ready to upchuck, and when I saw I landed next to it's other foot with a tumblin' thud, I did.

Yeah, I puked on it. Not my finest moment. But it was one hell of a distraction play, cuz it scrambled back from the family and made to try and scrape my ex-dinner off its foot, hissing and spitting like a cat in heat.
Oh yeaaah. Stomach acid, is an acid! Science, baby! It's other foot was injured now too, and the knife in its heel was still doin work. It thrashed about somethin' fierce, smashin a hand against me in the process. I went flyin, tumbled, and struggled to regain my senses. When I came to, I saw that the stickman had done worked the silverware out, and was upright again, moving back to the house.

I gathered my bearin's a bit more, and saw the pitchfork not to far from myself. Plan B! Cold iron! I grabbed it, and made a rush, even though my body was filin' some complaints to upper management. It saw my approach real easy, what with its height, and was makin' to kick me back, before somethin wrapped around it's neck!
Applejack! She was battered n' bruised, but hell hath no fury like a mother scorned - or I guess a big sis' in this case. She done lassoed the thing by the neck, and was yankin' it back, makin' it lose balance and tumble down! I jumped up on the stickman's chest, and listened close for its heart - the source of its magic, before drivin' that pitchfork deep in! It jittered, shook, shivered, n' screamed, all sorts of angry curses in ancient sylvan tongues, but iron is iron, and the pitchfork did its job. With its primary source of magic damaged, its vessel wouldn't last too long - it was already showin signs of dyin' the way that its arms and legs started curlin up like a dead spider.

"Begone, foul sylvan!" I shouted in my best impression of an exorcist, "Your kind ain't welcome here! By my power, I cast thee out!" I twisted the pitchfork in further.
The stickman weren't too happy with my demands, making a low, droning howl, like the sound of a twister flyin' through the woods, and I stomped the thing's chest real hard. "GIT! Before I remove you from this here mortal coil!"

It wasn't gittin'. It decided to push its luck. Turned its anti-human face towards me, three holes where the mouth n' eyes woulda gone, all janky and shakey, like a shitty claymation film, and it hissed somethin.

"M̸A̴R̸S̵H̶A̴L̷L̵.̵.̷.̴ ̶Y̴O̶U̴ ̵N̶E̴E̴D̵ ̸U̶S̶.̷.̸.̵"

Fear done ran down my spine for a bit. Names. Have. Power. It was invokin' my old one to yank at my soul, n' take me away again. I felt the ol' haze comin' back in, and I looked up and saw Applejack lookin at me as my eyes started glazin' over. I saw the others hidin' in the farmhouse, then I saw Apple Bloom's fearful lil' eyes. Felt a bit of.. somethin', spurrin in my chest, couldn't describe it, but it cheered me on, and I faced that Fae with the righteous fury of any witch worth her salt. "Like Hell I do!" I screamed, "Y'all needed ME!"

It just used my ol' name, but that ain't my name no more, huh?! I weren't about to let it get away with that shit it just tried to pull! I made to focus my magic, even though I didn't technically have it, cuz I only did when working with the fae. But here, there was magic everywhere with those with ears to hear it. I flicked my hoof while I stomped again, like I was trying to snap my fingers and punch the ground at the same time, and I reckon it worked, given that the ground below us both burst into a big ol' gout o' flame.

Kind of a mistake. That meant I got caught in the pillar of fire myself, but I been burned worse before, and the faerie took the brunt of it. It was down for the count. I had to hurry. I ripped the pitchfork out, slithered off the thing right quick. Started surroundin' the beast in a circle of salt, pourin' out the canister around it, and then I started shovin' silverware into its limbs to pin it down and sap its power.
I had to be quick. Didn't want it to regain that strength now. With the remainin salt, I drew arcane symbols in the grass, a spell of banishment, and then realized I didn't have much to work with in terms of offerin' to the world. I took a look at my wounds, saw I was bleeding.
Fuck it.
I wiped my blood on the pitchfork and hoisted it up on high.
The Stickman's face contorted into something like fear, but I weren't gonna give it a second chance.
You either take my deal or you taste my steel.

I said again, "And I say again your kind ain't welcome here! I cast you, and your kin, OUT!!"
With that last word I stabbed the pitchfork into the earth, and the monster howled in agony, and began to melt into a sludge of grass, glass, bones, and wood, the ground reclaimed what it was owed, and the rest crumbled apart like a shitty antique doll, before the earth swallowed it alive, leavin only a few remnants behind.
With another flick-stomp, I doused that entire pile of crap with fire, until there was only ashes. The salt kept the blast of flame from escaping, the circle magically keeping it all inside.

After that, there was silence, and a perfect circle of burnt grass and ashes. Nothin more.

I huffed, snorted, wheezed, my heart was thumpin' and thunderin' like a drum solo. I spat to my side, then drew a cross in the ashes.
Better safe than sorry.

Applejack slowly walked up to me.
"Hoo-ee, I ain't never seen anypony do magic like that! ..You uh.. wasn't makin' that story about the dam up on the spot?"
I shook my head, bewildered. "No. Folks where I'm from called me a witch."
She blinked, then looked at the pile of hot metal slag, and squinted. "That our cutlery?"
I sighed, "Look, I didn't have pure silver n' iron to hand, now did I? Had to work with what I got! 'S what I do."

The rest of the Apples emerged from the farmhouse, Apple Bloom started runnin towards Applejack, before I stepped in the way and looked at her with a bit of a hard gaze. She stopped, lookin' confused.
"Just verifying your identity. What's the name of the flower you stole to try and get a cutie mark?"
She was real afraid before perkin back up, "The Heart's Desire!"
I looked to Applejack for confirmation.
"Eeyup." She confirmed.
"And, one of the cutie marks I got was a fancy. lookin' symbol, and I started speakin' another language!"
Smart kid, rememberin' a detail like that.
"Well, good. They didn't replace you then." I said, slowly lettin go of all the tension I had.

That's when I let the badass facade go, dropped the pitchfork and slumped to the dirt with a real long sigh. "Good.."

I don't remember blackin' out, but that's kinda typical. I woke up to the sound of hubbub and commotion. I looked up and around me, found I was on the porch to the farmhouse, now. Applejack's friends were huddled around her, n' the Cutie Mark Crusaders were together. All were concerned, worried, checking up on their dear friends. They was gettin' hugs for days.

I saw a glass of water passed to me in my peripheral vision. Right, I got horse sight now, was kinda easy to forget. I turned a bit to see it was Big Mac. Fella didn't say anything to me, but he had this look in his eyes, trying to say 'thank you' without speakin it, lest the emotions burst out that proverbial dam and make him act a fool.
Poor bastard. I took the glass with one hoof and patted him on the shoulders - withers? - with my other hoof. "Don't mention it, big guy."

"Eeyup," was all he said, could say, with a lotta fatigue in his throat, probably real upset that he didn't do much in that fight.
"Hey."
He looked to me. "You gettin' Apple Bloom outta there kept her safe. Don't think you didn't contribute." I assured him.
"...Eeyup." he said again, a bit steadier this time. He walked over to Apple Bloom and her friends.

Granny Smith came out a bit later, with a bit of fresh food for me. Before she handed me the food, however, she set it aside, n' hugged me tight, but gingerly, the way only a gramma could, and she said to me, "Thank you so much for savin' my grandfilly..."
"Well, I weren't about to let a monster take a child like that."
She pulled back from the hug, kept her hooves on my withers, lookin me dead in the eye. "Even so! Most folks woulda turned tail and ran," and then she looked to the side, and muttered under her breath, "darned folks these days don't know the meanin' of lookin' out fer one 'nother.."
"Speakin of running.. I'm fixin' to leave this town come mornin'." I said quietly.
She looked at me confused, worked some wax outta her ears, n said, "Say that again, hon, louder this time, my ears ain't what they used t'be!
"I said I'm leavin' tomorrow morning." I said with a bit more confidence.
She looked at me like I said I was gonna paint her house pink. "Now why would you go and do that, Bonfire? Y'all been a delight to have around."
I sighed. "It's best I leave, Granny. Safer for your grandkids that way. The Folk who sent that monster, well.. they ain't good people. And me bein' around y'all is puttin' you n' your family in harm's way. I ain't gonna do that to y'all."

She frowned, then grit her teeth, dentures fixin to pop right out. "Like fuckin' TARTARUS you will!!"
I jumped at her swearin, lookin at her all boggle-eyed, and she kept on going, "Y'think we's just gonna leave you all alone t'fend for yerself after all you done did for us, helpin on the farm, giving Big Mac a friend, savin' my Apple Bloom, and treating us with nothin' but respect and kindness?! Y'got another thing comin', Bonfire Applebake, we're Apples to the CORE, n' that means we don't leave our kin behind, n' as far as I'm concerned, after tonight, yer one of us! Y'even got the cutie mark to prove it!"

Oh, god dammit, is that why I got the apple on my butt?!

"You's stayin' or else I'm gonna have Applejack drag you on back and then I'll tan your hide until that coat's redder than Big Mac!"
"Uh. Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, GRANNY." She barked at me. "Yer an Apple now, y'hear?!"
"Y-yes, granny, I hear ya. Loud n' clear." I meekly nodded. She harumphed, nodded, then shoved the food in my arms. "Now eat! I saw you toss yer cookies earlier, I ain't lettin' you go to sleep hungry!"
"Yes, granny." I said.
"Attagirl. Now I gotta get some shut-eye, y'all better head to sleep once all this ruckus is over."
"I'll uh.. make sure the others get to bed soon, granny."
She turned and walked back in the house.
God damn. She can be a real scary lady. You don't mess with old folk that got their wits about them still.

I ate my food, and felt my ears burnin'. I looked up for a moment to see the purple unicorn chick - ... Twiii.. Twilight! That was her name. Twilight was lookin' up at me with a mix of concern and curiosity. I think. Applejack noticed, and waved me over. I got up off the porch and walked to em.

"Evenin' girls." I said to the others. "Whatcha need, Applejack?"
"Twilight doesn't believe me when I said you did magic."
"You're an Earth pony!" Twilight protested. "Earth ponies have enchanted speed, strength, agility, and affinity to the earth, but they can't do spells!"

I deadpanned at the mare. "Y'all ain't gonna let us get any sleep until I prove it, aren't you."
"No! This goes against all previous understandings of magic! You're an EARTH PONY for Celestia's sake!!"
"Sounds a mite prejudiced if you ask me, miss."
She bristled, then realized what she was saying. "... Y-you're right, I'm sorry."
I sighed, "Apology accepted. That coulda come out politer, I've just had a bad night."
Applejack chuckled, "Yeah I bet. We're gonna have to buy new cutlery tomorrow cuz Bonnie done burned it all."

"Woah woah woah," said Rainbow Dash, "What do you mean burned it? You can't burn spoons! They're metal!"
"Yes, actually, I agree." Twilight looked up at me again. "The melting point for silver is one thousand, seven hundred and sixty three point two-four degrees marenheit."
Rainbow snickered, "Egghead."
Twilight ignored her. "There is no way you could conventionally burn silver out here without special equipment!"
"Magic." I answered plain and simple.
"Huh?"
"I do fire magic."

Twilight's horn lit up, and she teleported a silver ingot in front of us. "Prove it."
"... Y'all're gonna wanna stand back."

Stand back they did. Twilight even produced a shield to protect everyone.. Big Mac held Apple Bloom especially close.
I threw a stomp flick on the ground. The metal was swallowed by fire, and once the flame was gone, it revealed that the ingot turned into more of a sad looking puddle of hot sludge.

Twilight looked at me in pure shock.
"There!" I snorted. "Can we all git t'bed now?"

4 - If I Lead, Will You Follow

I placed my toolbox right next to the first picket on the farm's fences.
It took a while to gather the right components, but since I was officially an Apple, it meant I had access to the family budget.

Before I got to work on this project, though, I explained to the others that I could set up a Threshold, a protective barrier, which could keep out all but the worst of fae.
And a life of living thin on the highway meant I learned how to do it on the cheap. I weren't about to go spending the money willy-nilly like some valley girl who got a hold of her rich Daddy's credit card. I'm a responsible young mare- man- mare.. Gah. I'd figure that out later.

So, there I was, about to barricade the farm from magical influence using a threshold, when I heard a set of hooves approachin'. They weren't Applejack's, not Mac's.. Apple Bloom should be at school, n' Granny napped at this hour.

I looked up, and saw Twilight standing there, looking like an eager intern who hadn't learned that he was the coffee gopher yet. Notepad and everythin'.
"Goooood morning, Bonfire!"
"Mornin'." Turned back to my preparations.

..She weren't leavin'. I looked back up and her and cocked an eyebrow. "Can I help you with somethin'?"
"Well, I couldn't help but get curious when Applejack told me you were going to spend the next few days setting up a 'magical thingamajig' around the farm to help protect it, and you know me, my cutie mark is in magic, and I'm always looking for new solutions to old--"
"You wanna shadow me so you can learn my secrets and all that jazz, don'tcha."
"... Yes," she said, a bit sheepishly.

I stared at her for a bit. I was kinda hoping to be alone today. But, then again, without my truck, I didn't have access to my tunes, which was how I kept my mind from wandering off.

Dammit, why didn't I think to grab my mixtapes while I was running for my fuckin' life?!
My supplies were in the back of the truck too, which woulda solved my whole "I don't have implements" issue beforehand.
Hindsight's 2020, or whatever.

Twilight shifted a bit awkwardly, before her eyes got all big and watery on me. "...Please?"
I swear, every mare in this country had an uncanny ability to make puppy dog eyes. It was innate or some shit.

I sighed. "Fine, be my guest, just don't expect me to be a chatterbox like Pinkie Pie."

I took the chisel and started carving runes into the fence post. Twilight looked over my shoulder at em and started writin' em down on her notepad. And knowin' her, they'd be organized. That was a problem.

"Just a warnin, don't write those runes in a sequence. Write them like doodles on your math homework, or else you're gonna activate em the next time you charge em with magic."
She looked up from her note taking with a frown. "But I like to organize things." She said.
"Well, if the runes think they're a sentence, and that sentence is gobbledygook, it's gonna explode like some kinda chaos magic bomb."

That seemed to frighten her up real quick. She erased the runes and started trying to write them as shittily as possible.

"What do you mean by 'sentence' of runes, anyways?" She asked as I started channeling a little magic into the first string.
"Do ponies not have any runic magic, like, at all?"
She made a so-so expression. "We use spell matrixes, primarily, as a way to construct the magic into a proper equation. This understanding of magic was based on the studies of great unicorns like Starswirl the Bearded."
"More math than language, huh?"
"Mhm! For all of recorded Equestrian history, spells were performed by unicorns, and thus, magic is understood via unicorn studies. Those studies were preserved in books, whereas earth ponies passed down their understanding of magic via generational teaching, and pegasi used militaristic training."

"So any amount of pegasus and earth pony history could just have been straight up lost to time, war, and deliberate erasure." I nodded thoughtfully as I carved another rune.
"Which could mean that Earth pony magic is potentially unexplored! Do you see why I'm so excited to see you literally work your magic? No earth pony has ever done unicorn magic like this before! It's phenomenal! Revolutionary! It's--!"
"Just magic."
Her smile fell. "What do you mean, 'just magic'?"

"Well.. What about Pinkie Pie?" I pointed out.
"What about Pinkie Pie?"
"Ain't her goofiness.. y'know, magic?"
"That's... different..?"
"She can fuckin' teleport, Twilight."
"Language!" Twilight frowned.
"N' what about Zecora? Her alchemy, that not magic to ya?"

That got her thinkin', her enthusiasm falling down further. "I don't.. I don't understand..?"
"And how 'bout Fluttershy, the way she can talk with critters real easy? That ain't magic neither? How about dragons, you reckon they can just blow fire like it's some chemical reaction in their gut?? And what IS the sonic rainboom if not some kinda Megaspell?"

She slumped down, a bit defeated. I sighed, then gently cupped her chin and pulled her gaze up to me. "Ey. I ain't meaning to bring you down. I'm just trying to teach ya a lesson."
That seemed to get her a bit more excited. "What lesson is that?"
"Listen." I whispered.
Her ears swiveled around. "I don't hear anything.."
"Yes you do. Tell me."
"I hear... birds, chirping?"
"Go on."
"I hear the wind blowing."
"And?"
"..My breath?"
"Yeah. Y'know what all that is?"
"...What?"
"Magic."

Twilight snorted. "My breathing isn't magic!"
"Yes it IS! Wanna know why??"
She flinched back, confused, and I kept goin. "How many planets out there are nothin' but massive chunks of desolate rock or huge balls of GAS?"
"A lot? There's approximately-"
"Yea! A lot!" I interrupted her, didn't need her goin off on a tangent. "So many planets out there, where there's NOTHIN'! Planets like this one are a statistical fuckin' anomaly!" Her eyes darted left n right, reckon I was gettin a bit manic with it, so I took a sigh to settle my nerves. "By all rights? We shouldn't exist. and yet we do. Grass grows, birds fly, and you are breathin', because there is magic here! Sister, we are alive! There is magic in EVERYONE, everyTHING! Magic, everywhere, for those with the ears to hear it!"
I stopped to catch my breath. "Listen again."
She let her ears relax this time. We stood in that field.

Stood there for a good while. I could see that massive brain workin' overtime, trying to figure out what I was trying to tell her.

Her eyes snapped open. Brain blast.
"You're not casting earth pony magic." She breathed, "You're just casting magic. Because every creature has magic. They just use it differently..!"
I grinned. "NOW yer gettin' it, girl." I ruffled her mane with a hoof and turned back to my work.
Her ear flicked, and she brushed her mane back down to acceptable flatness with a hoof. "Well, still," she replied, "this is something we can teach to other ponies, and it'll revolutionize everything Equestria knows about magic, because this means we've been teaching it wrong for.. eons!"
"I'm fine with that, so long as y'all don't specify it as anythin' other'n just magic." I got back to carving, shaking my coat a bit to get the jitters out.
"Mhhm!" Twilight said, "So, again, what do you mean by strings?"

"I literally mean like, stringin along a sentence. Askin' magic t'do something. So dependin' on the string of 'words' I'm trying to tell the magic, I gotta say it with the runes." I explained my sequence to her.

"Like enchanting an object!" Twilight beamed.
"Yeah, 'Xactly. There's a whole bunch of em out there, and dependin' on which god or belief you follow, a particular language of runes might work for you better. Me, I was kind of a jack of all faiths, zealot of none, never made any real connection to any while I was under the fae. But here? Seems like it's a case of anythin' goes. Which is why you got symbols like this one mixing up with this one."

"∆★Ω🔆" said the runes.
"What's it mean, roughly translated?"
"..There's something wonderful here." I said quietly.

And that's how it was for a few days.
Twilight would come find me at some point while I built the threshold for the farm, she'd shoot the breeze with me, then head on back to wherever she had to be next on her docket.

"May I ask why you're carving protective runes into the fence posts?"
"Well, the Apples pretty much done adopted me-"
"Aww, that's sweet!"
"Yeah.." I looked off to the side, blushin' a bit, the little soft brown spot on my snout getting a touch red. "It is. But I ain't got a clean track record, folks is gonna be after me, n' I ain't letting them fuckers touch my fa-"
I stopped.

I'd only known these people for like, two months or so now.
Life really does come atcha fast.

Twilight looked up at me with an earnest smile. "It's alright, you can say it."
I snorted. "This don't leave your lips."
She made a little zippin' illusion with her magic.
I sighed, "..I ain't letting em touch my family. I ain't had a family in.. shit, since I was fifteen. I ain't aboutta go n' lose this one too."
"What.. what happened..?" Twilight stopped taking her notes, putting on a sympathetic voice.

I put my guard up.
"Why you asking?"
"Because Princess Celestia has me here in Ponyville to study friendship! So helping out any friend of mine is priority one!" She said proudly.
"You gettin' paid for this?" I said incredulously.
She made a so-so gesture. "Nnnooot exactly. I get paid by the crown for being Princess Celestia's personal student, and I also get paid for running the Golden Oaks library."
"Huh. Damn, aight, you probably penciled out some time for these visits, then."
"I did, actually! I have to be back at the library by four to help Spike get dinner ready."
"Well, don't let me stop you, I'm gonna be doing this till it's all done."
"..Soooo?"
"So what?"
"What happened to your previous family?"

My eyes went back a decade. I saw my Pa and Gramma's souls slowly come out their body, and I realized I was still in mine. My horrific, sinful, disgustin human body. My mind done raced with thoughts, what was the sin? What did I do wrong?!

Everyone in the pews around me floated up like gravity'd been shut off, then the souls around me let go, one by one, the flesh being left behind with audible thuds, the backin rhythm to the holy chorus of my despair.
I saw Gramma and Pa holding onto each other, and they saw me, helplessly stayin' stuck right in my own dirty, unworthy flesh.
"God has other plans for you, son." Pa said.
"We'll wait for you to come home." Gramma smiled through tears in her eyes. "But don't you ever forget, no matter what, that we love you, Ke-"

I tasted salt. I heard sobbing.

Oh. It was me who was blubberin'.

Was an ancient pain, one I didn't feel in years, but Twi done poked at it the right way and it all came rushin' back. She held me close as I kept sobbin' on the ground.
I missed em so much.
"They were just normal men," I hiccuped, "Jus' innocent men.."

I finished work early that day.

"Morning, Bonfire. Feeling better, after yesterday?" Twilight said, approachin' me with a soft smile and a few pastries from Sugarcube Corner. I took a treat and chowed down on it.
"I'll be fine. Just don't wanna talk about it now."

She nodded, gave me a nuzzling on the underside of my head.
As far as I understood it, nuzzles in this world was the halfway point between a hug and a kiss, depending on how close to the mouth you got. I saw Twilight use it a lot during visits to Applejack, and I reckoned she saw me as a dear friend.

Shit, I guess I did too. She's good at this friendship stuff. Might have a bad case of the ol' 'tism, but if there's someone alive out there who ain't at least a little fucked in the head, I've yet to meet em.

I nuzzled her back.

"I could help you today, if you like?" She offered.
"How d'ya mean?"
"Well, I did as much studying of runes as I could without blowing myself up," she giggled, "and I'm feeling confident enough to lend you a helping hoof!"
"... Y'know what? Sure, why not."

From there, we worked together, catching up on the lost time and getting work done real quick.

"Y'know I did a bit of reading up on the history of this place m'self."
"Oh?'
"Apparently a human bein' showed up here once. Name was Me-"
"Oh! Meegan! Yes, she helped the first pony civilizations despite being from another world!"
".. You're pronouncin' it wrong. It's Megan."
"No it's not!"
I cocked my eyebrow. "I'm likely from the same country Megan was from, n' it's pronounced Megan."
"I highly doubt that to be verifiable information."
"Well, I hear she died on equestrian soil, so we could perform a seance and ask her."
"..Isn't that dark magic?"
"Of a sort. Minor necromancy to bring a soul back to ask it some questions."
"... I'm not doing that."
"Suit yerself."

After that, we fell into a quiet, comfortable routine of carving out the paragraph of magic along the fence post. My mind began to wander without conversation, and I looked at my surroundings.
The farm, Twilight, who was dutifully pourin' magic into her runes, the scent of apples, the laser dot dancing around on the back of her head..

..Laser dot?

Huh.. Ain't seen one of those in a while.

LASER DOT.
I tackled Twilight, she squawked. "What the hay!?"
A crack shot off in the distance, and a split second later, a bullet splintered up the fence post, right where Twilight had been standing.
"Look alive girl, we're gettin' attacked!"
"What?!"

I tried to run some quick ballistics.

Nah, I didn't know shit. I momentarily lit the ground on fire to make a smoke screen, and moved Twilight into some more robust cover. I kicked over a wagon onto its side and dove us both behind it

"Who's attacking us!?"
"Like I said yesterday, I don' have a clean track record. Made a lotta enemies! Could be a lone gunman, could be a squad of bastards, I aint sure!"

Twilight spotted a piece of metal a few meters away, and floated it back to us.

"Bonfire, what is this?"
"It's a bullet! Imagine, like, an arrow, but smaller, as fast as Rainbow Dash on a good day, n' deadlier. Do not stick your head out."
She instead lit up her horn, and an illusionary Twilight emerged from her, took a deep breath, and poked her fake head out instead.

Crack! ShhhTHNK! The illusion took the bullet and allowed Twilight to catch it and study it, holding it in her magic as the illusion "died," falling behind our cover.
I didn't like that the illusion had visible blood, but hey, damn good decoy.

"This is a bullet, huh? It came at my illusion from roughly a two-hundred sixty degree angle, and the time between the crack and the bullet hitting the decoy was about point two seconds, which.."

She was writing mathematical calculations in the dirt like nobody's business.
"..given the relatively small length of this bullet, we can superimpose its length over the distance ..approximately nine hundred seventy eight meters per second.. convert that by point two seconds, and..!"

I couldn't keep up! Her brain was too goddamn fast!
"Our assailant is approximately two hundred meters away in that direction!"
I just kept on staring at her, slack jawed.
Good god! She's autistic as hell!

Then, I saw her horn light up. Aw, hell!
I felt reality warp all round me as Twilight sent us through spacetime, popping us right behind the bastard!
He looked up from his gun, and before I could do anything, Twilight fired off a spell of her own, knocking the bastard out.

Which gave us an all new problem. We had a knocked out human on our hooves.
No military patches, but I recognized the fucker as one of them lone ranger types that loved to hunt the mythical beasts that roamed America now.
Ever since... that day, the woods got a whole lot more deadly. Which meant it was all the more impressive when you came round the hunting lodge carrying a direwolf in the truck.

Unfortunately, this was a problem. If we let this human go, he'd tell other folks about the magical land of unicorns just ripe for the huntin'. A human invasion would mean death for Ponyville.

I looked over at Twilight, n she was sketching out the form of the human, trying to get his anatomy right.

"I think we're gonna have to kill this guy, Twi."
She looked up at me like I just said we was gonna have to kill someone.

We didn't kill him. The puppy dog eyes won out.
Instead, I had Twi fetch rope from the farmhouse, and we tied him up.
"Lemme do the talkin' when he wakes up. American men ain't usually.. polite."
He eventually came too, and when he found he couldn't move, his first decision was to yell.

"Lemme go, you weird horse freaks!"
"Boy, you ever seen a horse kick someone?" I said to him. Twilight looked confused at use of the word horse.
"Yeah."
"Imagine if I did that to you, multiple times, going right for the nuts cuz I know where they is on you."

That made him stop.
"Good. Now answer my questions. Where the hell you come from?"
"I'm from the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!" He shouted indignantly.
"I ain't talkin' about your homeland, shit for brains, I'm askin' how you got here!!"
"..This ain't America?"
"No."
"..Then why do you have an American accent-"
I placed a hoof on his chest and leaned on it, making him wince a little. "Answer the question, or I'm introducing my friends to the testy festy."
That got him real good, he went pale.

"There.. I heard that the Highwayman betrayed the fae and died for it, and his stuff is likely worth thousands. Good money. So I found the mountain pass where his truck fell off the road, and I nabbed his stuff. Then I noticed a set of tracks and followed them. I saw a portal. Went through it with my stuff. Made camp."
"Y'all're gonna lead us to it. And on the way, you're gonna tell me why you thought it was a good idea to try and shoot my friend. Twilight, could you hoist this feller onto my back."

He kept freaking the fuck out as she magically lifted him.
"Jesus fuckin Christ, I was right, she is a unicorn!"
"Yeah, and?"
"Y'know how much a stuffed and mounted unicorn would go for in America? I'd never have to hunt again!!"

Twilight bristled up, looking like she was reconsidering the whole killing thing.

Eventually, we found the camp, and the portal. Big shimmery looking thing with a purple in-line and a rainbow of colors for an outline. I saw my hoofprints go from one side to the other.
Wack. No wonder the fae found my ass.

I dropped the man on his nearby folding chair, the cheap plastic-canvas kind you find at rock festivals.
"What are you gonna do with me?" He asked, afraid, looking at the unicorn powerful enough to lift him like he was cargo.
"Ain't decided yet. Personally, I wanted to kill you, but the fine lady over there had standards."

I turned to face him.
"But I don't. If she gives the okay, your ass is grass. So play nice. Anyone else with you?"
"No, sir."

Sir? Hot damn, that felt real weird to hear. Still, he likely respected men a lot more than women, he was an American, after all. So I kept up the facade.
"Anyone else know you're here?"
"No. Couldn't risk anyone else finding the fella's stuff."
"Where is it?"
"Uh.. they're in the cooler, there."
I opened them up. Beer, cigs, a few sandwiches, and..

My mixtapes!
"Yeah, those are mine, I reckon I'll be takin' em back."
"Like hell they are! They belonged to the Faerie's Flame! They're the only thing that survived after His truck was smashed! The Wild Hunt probably got him, son, you can't be him!"
"What kinda hooves them tracks look like?"
"...Horse hooves, I guess, but that doesn't-"

I stomped my hoof right next to the track. "You got eyes, boy?!"
"Y-yes!"
I lifted my hoof up. "Look at them tracks and look at the one I just made!"
"They're the.. same.
"Yeah. They're mine."
"They're not! The bastards dead!! He's dead!!"

"I said those are MINE, BOY!" I set myself ablaze for a sec, and began approachin' him. "Ten years of workin' for the fae didn't kill me, what makes you think I'd die that easy from leavin' them, huh?! HUH?!"

His jaw dropped as he recognized the firey rage in my eyes.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
"You're.. you're the..!"
"I'M! THE HIGHWAYMAN!"
Then he jumped out of the chair and made a run through the portal.
I looked down and saw that my fire burnt the ropes apart. Melted some of the chair, too.

Twilight was deadpanning at me as I watched the bastard run deeper into America.

Shit.
Mighta gone too far.

5 - I Make Ends Meet, Just Like Any Man

Twilight was a bit salty with me about how I handled that.

"Might'a gone too far with that.." I muttered.
"No. Really?" She dripped sarcasm like molasses. For a moment I saw red, n' barked, "Sarcasm ain't your style!!"
"Sure. And loud threats aren't yours." She retorted.

Ouch.
I snorted, n' started to walk away, when I realized I didn't hear a second set o' hoofbeats behind me.
I turned round, n' Twilight was starin' curiously at the portal.
"Oh hell no, y'ain't goin' in there, that way leads nothin' but pain n' madness."
She looked up at me. "I've dealt with pain and madness before, I'll be just fine! I'm one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria!"
"And I'm one of the most powerful witches in America, and I'm tellin' you to keep outta that place if'n y'know what's good for ya!"

She squinted her eyes right at me, and walked right on through.
"Fine!" I shouted, "Good luck in there, don't come cryin' to me when them folks start makin' glue outta ya!"

...

She'd be fine.

She'd be fine!

..Augh, DAMMIT!
I growled, and followed her through. She looked genuinely surprised to see me join her.
"Applejack would buck me into next year if she heard I let you enter this hellscape and die alone." I justified, then quietly tacked on, "That, n'.. I don't want you dyin' neither."
She gave me a soft smile. "Sorry for getting upset with you."
"Sorry for shoutin'."
We shared another nuzzle and continued down them woods.

I guess I was also feelin' a touch nostalgic to see Drum Thunder again, and chances of us finding that poacher fella again were low with woods this thick. So, we kept on goin', and followed my ancient tracks. Twi stayed real close to me, shiverin' a bit. I lit a stick up as a makeshift torch and carried it in my tail, which seemed to warm her up.

"This place.. it reminds me of the Everfree forest.." Twilight shuddered.
"Well, in a way, y'ain't wrong, Twi. Weather does it's own thang, the sun and moon ain't moved by anybody.. Earth goes round the sun, Moon goes round the earth."
"That's just.. not natural..!" She grimaced.
"It's as natural as it gets, here." I remarked.

The murky woods kept badgerin' us with ringtones of chirps, croaks, birdsong, and the occasional howl. We kept followin' my tracks until..
There she was.
Drum Thunder. Oh, girl, how I missed ya. The woods had nearly claimed her, moss grown all over her rusty red paint job. My makeshift canvas-camper-cover got torn up by the wind somethin' fierce, leavin nothin' behind but the metal frame and some scraps that fluttered in the cold autumn wind.
My canned food was scattered all over the ground, probably ransacked by opportunistic raccoons n bears.
And the tree that smashed up the engine? Well, it grew. It ate all the metal parts and dashed any hope of revivin' her to smithereens.

"..Are those.. bloodstains..?" Twilight asked, lookin' at the grill of my truck, n' my heart lurched.
"Shit, I guess they is." I answered truthfully.
"...When you said you didn't have a clean track record.."
"..I meant it. I ain't a good man, Twilight."
She pursed her lips into a frown as I looked over my ol' machine. Then, I stuck my head in the open driver-side door, and she walked around to the tailgate to have a look-see there.
The glovebox hadn't been opened yet. I reached out, clicked it open, and-

Oh, thank God.
The picture I had of me with my pa and gramma was still intact. I found a random canvas bag, slung it round my neck, and stuffed the photograph in there.
The license and registration were expired, but the truck was no good, so that was fine.

"i-is that a body bag in the back?" I heard Twilight ask nervously.
I popped my head back out, and came round to see.
"Ah, shit, yeah. Look, I.."
I didn't have much to say. Twilight sure did have a look on her face. I felt sick with myself. I was so lousy with sin, that if a preacher tried baptizin' me, I'd turn the water black. No wonder I didn't make it to Heaven.

"..I had to make ends meet somehow. Sometimes, I had to.. make ends meet. Just to get a meal. Food weren't easy to come by. It's the most valuable thing here. S'why huntin's so popular. Anythin' that looks like it might taste good is what's for dinner."
"...Was that man going to eat me?!" Twilight realized. I flinched.
"He was.. probably plannin' on it. Yeah."
"But- But I'm a sophont, sapient, sentient being!"
"Didn't matter to him. He jus' saw you as.. an animal."
"..Are.. ponies.. animals, here?"
"Yeah."

Twilight seemed to really not like that thought. "Do they eat us?"
"Rarely. Typically, they ride y-. Us. Beasts o' burden. Farm work, n' the like. No wings, no earth pony strength, no magic."
"..Oh, Sweet Celestia.." She looked right nauseous. I patted her on the withers, n' she flinched.
Sigh.. dammit. I gingerly pulled my hoof away from her, and moved to the truck bed.

I climbed up into the back of my truck to look for my implements. When I found the ol' toolbox, I saw that it'd been emptied out. Maybe the fae wanted to make sure that if I came back, I wouldn't have my stuff. My herbs was all over the ground n' contaminated, the iron had been taken away, probably by another witch, and my spellbook?
Burnt to ashes.
I salvaged what I could and stuffed it in the bag.

"Oh, hey! Some books..!" I could hear it in her tone of voice, the unspoken sentence of, "Thank Celestia, somethin' familiar."
She pulled out my collection of.. aw, hell.
My collection of Calvin and Hobbes anthologies. I had the entire print.

"Are these comic books?" she asked, opening one of the books carefully as I gently moved to her side.
"Of a sort. This one ran in the newspaper till 1995. It's considered one of the better, if not the best."
"...Can.. Can I..?" She looked up to me with pleading eyes. Couldn't help but chuckle at the bookhorse.
"Sure, go ahead. Consider it my early Hearth's Warmin' gift for ya. Here, put em in this bag."
She squeed in delight, took the bag from my neck and started puttin' the books in there.
"Oh, watch the photo. And the lil' baggies. Those are important."

Without askin', she pulled out the photo and looked at it.
"Is that.. you? As a human foal?"
My ears flattened out in agitation, even though I tried to keep a poker face about it. She picked up on that, and nervously grinned. "Heheheh, sorry," she meekly said, and put everything back, then put the canvas bag round my neck again.
Least she didn't notice the weed. I was gonna smoke that bowl and maybe share it with Big Mac, or somethin'.

A horn sounded off in the distance. All my fur stood on end.
"We gotta go."
"What? Why? Is that horn bad?"
"Yep! It's the fae! They know we're snoopin' around!" I said, scramblin' outta my truck and pushin' Twilight. She didn't have to be told twice. We doubled back on our tracks, heard the sound of hounds barkin' in the distance, and Twilight tripped, screaming in shock at the tumble.

FUCK!
I stumbled to a stop, turned round, and set fire to the path behind us, and I helped her up.
"You good?"
"I'll be fine! I'll be okay! Let's go home! I don't like it here!"
I helped her up, and I looked over my shoulder to see the Hounds jumpin through the flames like some ol' circus act.

They's not normal dogs, they're.. freaks. Shaped more like a mix b'tween a dog an' a spider, the extra legs all pumpin' in conjunction to run faster than most prey species. Had way more teeth, too, to ensure maximum damage.

I raised my hind legs and concentrated my magic behind me, and bucked the air, kickin fire like some kinda afterburner. The Hounds yelped in the sudden flames, lettin' us get some distance, and we dove back through the portal, to see the Hounds bearin' down on us.

I hurried to draw some runes in the dirt, and shouted, "HELP ME CLOSE THE PORTAL!"
With our magic combined, stitchin' that tear in the fabric of reality closed was easy enough. The two of us flopped to the ground, pantin' real heavy.

Unfortunately, the damage was already done.
For starters, a human knew. I prayed that when he told his story to others, they'd just think that guy went butternuts, but considering the mad world I came from, I reckon another one would hear his story. And then another, and another, and then..

I knew we shoulda just killed him.

And now the fae knew that their golem didn't kill me properly. They'd have to send somethin' deadlier to finish the job.

I took solace in one thing. It would take a good long while before anyone came for me.
The fae folk, they couldn't spend too many resources on getting my ass because they'd have to jump the rift between worlds, n' that takes power like no other.
The humans, they had more resources, but less knowledge. It would take em a real long time before they found another way through.
Meant time. I could prepare. Grow stronger. Teach others my ways. I could do this. I always have, right?

I might've been having a panic attack, but I panic by going stark stiff.

I looked back at the cooler, then punched myself in the head. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I fell back on my old ways over some fuckin' mixtapes. All that greed and wrath bubbled up like the oil tray at a fast food joint that wasn't passing inspection. Even after all this time, I was still a bastard, I--

"Bonfire?" Twilight's soft voice got my attention. "What's wrong?"
"... I'm not.." Breathe deep. I dealt with this before. "I'm not a good person, Twilight."
"You.. did do a lot of bad, I'll give you that, but,"
"Look at this shit!!" I shouted, pointed to the ropes and the chair with a shaky hoof. "I'm right sure I left that bastard with third degree burns. I.. I thought I.."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and it jumped right back up. I felt like I couldn't fuckin' breathe. Twilight got close and gave me one of her signature comfortin' hugs. I let out a shudderin' breath.

"I thought I was finally past hurtin' people.." I said quietly.
"Past hurting..?" Twilight asked. "What do you mean?"
"I was so sick of it all. Sick of the death and burnin' and ramblin' across a country that wanted me deader than a doorknob. I wanted out. And I got out. These last few months've been the best days of my life. And then the second my past caught up with me, I turned back to my old sinful self. I was fixin' to kill that man, Twi."

"...So??"
That snapped me right outta my panic from sheer confusion alone. "Whaddya mean, so?!"
"Bonfire. Princess Celestia, my mentor, has killed others in countless wars. My brother? He's Captain of the guard, and he's absolutely killed others in the line of duty. If you count the Pinkie Pie clones, then technically I'VE killed before!"

I blinked.
The what?!
"You know what makes Celestia and my brother good ponies to me, still?" She asked.
"What in God's name would that fuckin' be?!"
"They're haunted by it. Just like you. You didn't take pleasure in ending those lives. And from what I've heard about the fae, they're not kind benefactors. You were forced to do it, right?"

I sighed.
"I mean.. yeah, but, think it's a bit more nuanced than that, Twi. A person can take lives, be haunted by it, and still be a real asshole."
"But you're not. You've been nothing but kind, and generous, and honest. Not to mention loyal, or the fact that you've brought joyous laughter to the Apple family home. You've made Big Mac smile! Do you know how hard that is? And Apple Bloom has nothing but good things to say about you!"
"..She ain't met the real me."

"No. She has. The fae sent a monster that tried to steal her away in the middle of the night, and your first priority was saving her. Applejack told me that. You chose to put others before yourself. Even if sometimes, that makes old habits pop up. But given how terrifying guns are, I think you had every right to be freaked out, and ponies under extreme duress without the proper training? They lash out, and even if they are trained, it's not a guaranteed success."

"Yeah, I reckon so.."
"..Did I ever tell you about the time that I magically forced the entire town of Ponyville to fight over a foalhood doll, just so I could finish a friendship lesson report by the end of the day, because I thought I'd be sent back to magic kindergarten if I was late?"
"Christ!" I wheezed a laugh.
She giggled, sheepishly. "I'm not proud of that one. So please, believe me when I say that we all fall back on bad habits when upset and stressed. Nopony is ever perfect, and that includes you."

She hugged me tighter, and rested her head on mine, both of us laying down in a bonafide snuggle. "And besides that? You've been a wonderful friend, and a faithful family member to the Apples. You've been nothing but a delight ever since you came to Ponyville."
"That's what Granny said a few days back."
"And you're not gonna listen to her?"

I flinched. She had a point.

"What I'm trying to say is, you might not have been a good man, but you're a good pony, Bonfire. You've been given a second chance at life, and so far? You haven't wasted it at all. And everypony stumbles a little when healing. You haven't failed just yet, and I believe in you. Everypony does!"

I think I teared up and felt a tugging in my heart, and I nuzzled her graciously. "Thanks, Twilight. That means more to me than you could ever know."
She nuzzled back. "Anytime... and, can I be honest for a second?"
"What's up?"
"This.. is gonna sound weird, but I'm.. kind of glad to have a friend who isn't afraid of killing, because that human was.. undressing me with his eyes when you went to grab your belongings."

"What!?" I screamed, my head shot up to look at her, and she had a disgusted look on her face.
"He licked his lips while making eye contact with me."
"Christ alive!! Why, I oughta.." Damn, I forgot the portal was closed. I put my head back down and sighed, "..Well, I reckon it's for the better that folks out there know that I'm still alive and can burn things just as easily - if not more."
"Exactly! I know that when the time comes, you'll protect Ponyville! Now, let's go back to my library, I wanna read those books!"
She gave me a hearty pat on my side, got up, and waited for me.

I cantered over to the cooler, reached in, and grabbed my tapes, stuffing em in the bag.
Then, when Twi wasn't lookin, I grabbed the beer n' sandwiches.
Been too damn long since I had any deli meat, and the sandwiches looked real nice. Left the cigs behind, though. Them's was just cancer sticks.

The ham sandwiches gave me a tummyache somethin' fierce.
Note to self: don't eat meat no more.

6 - Seasons, Snow, Shivers, and Songs

The threshold was finished a few days later. It wouldn't affect ponies none, it was built on the idea of..
Y'know how vampires can't come into your house without your explicit permission? That's because it's your house. The stronger an established living in that area, the stronger the threshold, which means that spirits n' gremlins have a harder time gettin' in. The Apple farm was nothin' if not well-lived in, servin' the vibes necessary to keep that threshold up.
In fact, I was kinda surprised one hadn't occurred naturally, but I reckon it's just tougher for one to form on a farm rather than, say, a one bedroom basement apartment. Square cube law or some shit, I dunno.

Spent the day celebratin' a job well done by participating in somethin called the Runnin' of the Leaves with Big Mac. That was pretty fun, and autumn's my favorite season anyhow. Everyone else was sprinting to win, but Mac and I, we was just happy to be there. Especially when I felt this strange sense of solidarity, both our hooves drumming together like thunder. I might've had the advantage of living a very active lifestyle, so, I ended up gettin' third place. Mac got second. Weren't too shabby at all.

That evening, I asked Mac if he was down to have some weed with me. Now, he was pretty straight edge, he seemed hesitant.

"Eeeeeennnyyyyynnnmmaybe?"
That was a first.
"I would actually, I trust ya," he said, quietly, "But I want Granny to know."
"What? Oh hell no, Granny would shut this down real quick. Let's just head out somewhere secret and-"
"Nnope."
"Why not??"
"Bonfire, Applejack is the Element of Honesty, and I'm her brother. I wanna live up to that. Either we let her know, or I'm out."

I couldn't put up much of an argument to his stoic ass. Hesitantly, I agreed, so we walked back to the livin' room, where Granny usually was at this hour. This was so goddamn embarrassing-
Oh fuck yeah, she's napping!

"Granny?" Mac asked.

..
Snore..
C'mon, don't wake up-

"Granny!" Mac barked.
"Snrrk- What, what?!" She shouted. "You youngins wanna ask me bout something?"
"Eeyup." Mac said.

..

"Well, go on, Bonfire!" Granny said. Mac nodded his head at me, and I flinched. Why you dragging me right into this?! I sighed.
"Aight so.. I got a hold of some.. Lettuce."
"Lettuce? What kind, iceberg? Romane? Butterhoof?"
"N-no, it ain't that kinda lettuce."
"Well then spit it out, what kinda lettuce is it, young lady?!"
"Ah, hell, Granny, it's weed!" I held up the baggie, slightly ashamed, but keepin' eye contact. "And I was fixin' to share it with Big Mac, but he weren't down unless we toldja."
"Eeyup."

She squinted at me, rubbed her wrinkly ol' chin, then stood up and approached me.
"Well.. I figure you youngins worked real hard this year, the farm ain't never been better, so I guess you can go ahead. Here, come to the kitchen an' help me make it into some brownies." She took the baggie from my hoof and took it into the kitchen. We followed her in.

She saw the shocked look on my face n' scoffed, heatin some butter up on the stove. "Oh c'mon, y'all don't think this is the first time one o' my children wanted to have some dumb fun? Bright Mac always snuck away with his sweetheart Pear Butter to light up'n the shack where we keep all the firewood. At least you two had the decency t'lemme know first before y'got hurt."
"Eeyup," Mac said to me, smugly.

Goddamn?! She opened the baggie and shook it out into the melted butter.
"Git over here n' help me!" She barked. We both jolted and moved in, pulling out wet n dry ingredients. "Least I know ahead a' time in case you do somethin' stupid n' gotta see the doc, y'won't believe how embarrassin' that is, takin' your son down to th'hospital late a'night cuz y'think he's dyin', but really he's just having a panic attack from a high, and y'don't find out till the doctor tells ya."

She huffed and I kept mixing the ingredients. Mac and I shared a look. Apparently he didn't know about this neither. I cracked some eggs into the bowl n' started beatin' it with the veggie oil n' milk. Mac measured out some cocoa, sugar, n' flour.

"Y'all ain't even the first of this here gen'ration, Applejack showed up'few nights ago stinkin' like a skunk. She's even worse a liar while hopped up on the Ol' devil's lettuce. Kept gigglin' every time she lied, N' every time sh'did was another hour cleaning the farmhouse instead o' gettin to be with her friends! But I'm startin' t'notice a pattern, here. First Bright Mac n Pear Butter, then Applejack and Rainbow Dash, now you two.."

"Eeey-huh?" Mac stuttered as he poured the dry ingredients into the wet. Granny added the butter, then poured it all into a greased pan.
"It always starts with this.." She ominously tutted her tongue. "Now you two better keep an eye on this here bake, 'M goin' back t'm'nap."
"Yes'm."
"Eeyup.."

We was gigglin' fools about three hours later. After the initial shock of the edible kickin' in, with my help, he just started laughing at how wide he was smilin'.
I liked his smile too, so I joined in.

Eventually, Applejack came back from whereever she'd been, walked into the livin room, and saw us all prone and giggly on the couch. She slowly raised an eyebrow, her eyes pannin' to the brownies, then back to us.
"Granny knows?"
"Eeyup." Mac nodded.

She left without a word. Mood was slightly killed a bit, we wasn't sure what exactly that'd mean for us-
Oh, hey, she was back and brought a pitcher of water and some wooden mugs. She filled them mugs and gave 'em to us.
"Just don't make this a habit, y'hear?" She said as she left us to our stupidities.
"Eeyup." Mac said.
"We won't!" I assured. "I only had one baggie anyhow."

We stared out the window.
"Y'finish'd the threshold." Mac said.
"Yea. Any fae that try to sneak on in, they'll get zapped. Ooh, there's one now, look at that gnome tryin' to scurry in."
A little pointy red hat and beady little glowin' eyes bounced around in the dark, heading towards the house. I felt the gatherin' of magic, and then..

PFFTCH! Went up in smoke!
The two of us howled in laughter, there was a tiny little red hat on top of a pile of ashes.

We looked out the window for more, but then we both noticed somethin' else.
"It's snowin'!" I gasped.
"Eeyup."
I looked around for my boss.

No sign of 'em.. Good. I let myself relax a little.
We stared at the snowfall for a good long time, just snugglin' all cozy.

Who needs TV when you got snowfall and snuggles?

The next morning, I was gettin' ready to get back to the ol' buckin' routine when I opened the door and was blasted with cold. Winter done came around and knocked them plans outta the park with a home run. Which meant no apples to harvest. Duh. No more work!

Relatively speaking, anyways, the cows that lived here rent-free still needed help cleaning their quarters. (Technically, they paid in milk. I tried not to think about it too hard, they said they was just happy with their living situation every time I asked.) Either way, the workload was still pretty damn reduced. School was out for the winter break, farming wouldn't kick back in till springtime.. It all left me with a real problem.
I had nothing to do! There weren't even any monsters from the Everfree, for fucks sake, they was all hibernatin'!

So, bored outta my skull, I walked into the Golden Oaks Library on a Tuesday morning, and started perusing books. The fact that the library was a tree was downright magical, I couldn't help but enjoy the architecture a bunch. Organizational system was a bit.. esoteric, given that Twilight was running the show. Still, I found a book that looked interestin', and settled in to read it.
Then, after a while, I heard a bit o' commotion upstairs, my ears tiltin' to the noise. I walked my way up the stairs, looked inside, and saw..

Big Mac, Spike, n' a jet black pony who was weirdly bald, all gathered round a table rollin' dice. Spike had some kinda cardboard wall in front of him, like a DM screen-

Oh my god, they were playin' DnD.
Mac looked up, his ears perked, and holy shit, his tail's a-waggin'. Goddamn, that was adorable! Couldn't help but grin. Before I realized it, my own tail was doin' the same. That's where this bastard had been all week while I was hanging out with Twi! With the harvest over, he could do whatever he pleased, so that made plenty sense.

"Hey Bonfire!" Spike waved.
"Hey Spike! And Mac! You sunofabitch, you play tabletop games?" I straight up nickered, too lost in the excitement as I walked in the room.
"E-eeyup." He got all bashful on me.
"And uh.. I don't think I've met you, before?" I turned to the third fella, who-

Jesus Christ, there's holes in his legs!

"Oh, this is Kevin." Spike said, patting him on the withers, n' I could see he didn't have fur at all - looked more like bug skin.
"Eeyup. He's a.. what'd you say you was, again?" Mac asked.
"..A drone from the hive.. was meant to collect food and return home, but.. got lost."
"Oh, so, you're like a.. bee pony." I guessed.
"...Yess." He said, then chirped. That didn't explain the leg holes, but I just decided it weren't worth cookin' my brain over.
"He's been staying in Ponyville for the past few days. I invited him to play Ogres and Oubliettes with us!" Spike explained.
"Well, cool." I hummed.

Bit of an awkward silence, before I decided to bite the bullet.
"Can I join?" I asked.
"Sure!"
"Eyup!"
"Okay."

The rules system was different, but easy to pick up, I had a character sheet ready in less than thirty minutes while the rest of the group was setting up.

Mac was playing a warrior lady with a big ol' halberd. Spike was playing a wizard that had weirdly high strength. Kevin was playing a cleric who specialized in.. love? Bit weird, but if it worked.. and I decided to play a dashin' rogue, since typically stealth and cunning weren't my style. Would be fun to live out a different life, huh?

Hey wait, ain't that just what I'm doing lately? Funny, that.

So, I spent the next few days just playing with the boys. Mac had a tendency to team up with me, n' we was like Butch n' Sundance. More often than not, he'd pull distraction plays so that my sneak attacks landed way more often, which would deal enough damage to fell the enemy. And whenever he was in trouble, my sneaky rogue tricks, like throwing a bag of ball bearings out, would mess up the enemy formation, letting him move to a better position.

We made a damn good team, him and I. We kept up the character chatter outside of sessions, him gushin' about his badass hellion mare and my crafty pirate pony. At one point, he fashioned some fake wooden weapons, a sword and halberd, and we'd spar while in character. So sue me, I was having fun, and it was great, seein' his stoic shell crack open just a bit more.

One night, on the way back home from one of these sessions, I just had this.. urge. To nuzzle him real good. For the longest time, I held back, until we was completely alone on the path towards the farmhouse. I pressed my face into his neck, and found myself nickerin' a little. He seemed a mite tongue tied about it, I mighta gone too far, the way he only managed to stammer out an "Ee-e-e-e-e-eyup."

But boy, was he handsome. Aw hell, was I sweet on him? I think I mighta been. But dammit if it didn't feel right.

Somethin' akin to Christmas was comin' up, and I hadn't the slightest goddamn idea what to get anypony- anyBODY. In the family.
Fuck, I'm goin' native!

Applejack, well, she were a humble sort, didn't ask for much. Apple Bloom, her interests bounced round like pinballs, what with her tryin' to get her cutie mark, and Mac?
Shit, Mac wanted even less than Applejack. I straight up asked him, "anythin' you want for Hearth's Warmin'?" And he just said, "Nnope," and nothin' else. Least AJ said she'd think on it and lemme know if she wanted somethin'.

Dammit, Mac, lemme get you somethin' nice!

Still, least there was at least a few chores to do round the farm to keep myself busy while I churned ideas. Kept singin' to myself, though I'd stop anytime someone came close. Funny, every time it happened, I swear I could perfectly hear the backin' instruments in the distance.

Weren't like the Fae's Horn, no, felt more like magic was gathering around me until I suddenly shut up as someone got close. Often, it was Mac. He'd look over all curious and when I shut up, he just said "Eeyup," and went on his merry way.

Time moved on by real fast. I was down to the wire. So, I turned to a friend for help.

"Twi. I need your help!" I said, enterin' the library one day.
"What's up, Bonfire?" She was readin' some real thick ass tome, War n' Peace lookin thing.
"I ain't got Hearth's Warming gifts for anyone!"
"..What about the books you got me?"
"Okay, b'sides you! I don't know what to get Mac, or AJ, or Bloom, or Granny, I'm more lost than an angler fish on Mt Matterhorn! Applejack ain't told me if she wanted anythin' or not, Apple Bloom's interests ping like seals on mason jars, and Mac said he didn't want anything! And I really, really, really, wanna get Mac something!"

She drew in a gasp, then got all smug on me. "Does somepony have a cruuuuush?"
"What?!" I stumbled back and my ears pinned back. "Ain't like that! He's my main man! He goes in! We're thick as thieves, that's all!"
She weren't buyin it. "You and Big Mac, huh? Funny, if it weren't for the fact that I know about your origins, I would have been worried about you two being cousins!"
I made a face. "Aw, hell, don't crack jokes like that, folks threw that joke at me all the time in middle school."
"How come?"
"Southerners like me, we was called 'rednecks', and we got hit with incest jokes something fierce.. I don't even know why! The fuckin' Mormons did way worse stuff!"

Twilight looked up at me curious like. "I.. think we're getting off topic. You wanted to get your family gifts?"
"Yeah."
"Well, this sounds like a job for books!"

She magically shoved a book in my chest, I grabbed it and read the cover.
"One hundred and one gift ideas for your loved ones.. an everymare's guide to gifts.."

I opened the book and skimmed through it, riffling the pages to see if anything caught my eye.
Then I did it again. And again.
"This can't be how you read books!" Twilight snorted.
"Naw, it pretty much is."
"You're not absorbing any information! You're not comprehending anything!"
"I'm not lookin' to comprehend, I'm lookin' for a point o' interest."
She jus' kept poutin'.
"Candles? No. Books? Probably not. Lamps? House has plenty light.."
"There's no way you're actually processing that information."
"I mean, no, not really. I'm just skimmin." I looked up from the book.
"That's not gonna help you at all!"

I shrugged. "Hell, you've lived here longer'n me. Y'ever see.. well, anythin' that Mac likes at all?"
"Well, there was.. the one time, with the Want It Need It spell, you remember? I had the entire town under that spell,"
"Right, right,"
"I had cast it on my foalhood doll, Smarty Pants, and after it was all over, I tried to find her again, but it turns out that Mac kept her.. I didn't wanna be mean, so, I let him keep her."
"Hahaaah! Oh, my heart's gonna blow, that's too damn sweet!"
"Right? He was so happy when I told him that,"
"He's a mighty fine fella, real sweet.." I nodded, lookin up and thinkin'.

"...You totally have a crush on him," She grinned.
"I don't! I do not!" My thoughts came crashin' on down like a china shop in a quake. "Dolls, he might like a doll, yep, y'got any paper to ho-"
She shoved a parchment and ink quill right in my face. I grabbed em out of her magic. "Pfft, course ya do, the hell do I take you for?" I muttered.

We spent the rest of that day brainstormin' ideas together.
Apple Bloom, she'd get a first aid kit and a how-to guide on it for the clubhouse. A lot of her shenanigans ended up with cuts n' bruises, and I'd spin it to say, 'hell, maybe you could get your cutie mark in medicine.'
AJ, well, I noticed she had a tendency to overwork herself in the field without takin' a break, n' so I decided a canteen for drinkin' water would be mighty fine, so long as it didn't mess with her form none, and I found a pretty good option.
Granny, I decided to get her some cushions for her rockin' chair so her back wouldn't ache as much when she finished nappin.
And Mac.. shit, I still didn't have nothin' for Mac. Guess I'd sew him a doll..? But I weren't that good at sewin', so, we'll see.

"Y'wanna join us for this year's Hearth's Warming Pageant?" Mac asked.
"Hearth's Warming Pageant?" I looked over to Mac as he took another swig of cider.

We was hanging on the porch together again, switching out cold beer for mulled cider.
"Eeyup." he said, "It's a play. AJ n' her friends are performing it this year."
"What's it about?"
"Foundin' of Equestria. And the Hearth. Why we all sing songs durin' the Winter n such."

Oh, like a nativity play! With that in my head, I started feelin' a sense of nostalgia for the Christmas sermons my Gramma and Pa used to put on in the winter, so I looked to Mac n' said, "Y'know what? Sure. I ain't been to anything like this in years. Reckon I'm in for a good time."
"Eeyup!" He smiled.

We took a train up to Canterlot, and, I know bougie when I see it. I found myself stickin' close to my family just because the sheer snootiness factors made me all agitated, I was worried I'd act a fool and hit somepony that looked at me wrong. And they did, often.

After a bit, AJ split up from the rest of us to meet up with her friends for the play, and we spent the time wanderin' the streets until the play started.

I came outta that play slightly traumatized. Fuckin' hell! No wonder ponies was so nice, they had the threat of a magical nuclear winter hangin' above them like the sword of damn-o.. something. Whatever. The Greek sword.
Now, a skeptic person woulda said, "Oh, that's just like how every Christmas, the churches all talk about Jesus bein' born and how we await his second comin', but it won't actually happen." But like.. Jeezy Boy did come round the bend and picked up those who was still his flock.

Which, notably, wasn't every christian out there. Trust me. I'd know.
It weren't even the rest of humanity, neither. There was still plenty other divine connections out there. It's just that the Father, Son, n Holy Ghost decided to round up their flock and go home.
So I weren't about to go and take this here story with a grain of salt either, and if I ever spotted someone being supremacist, I'd better kick their shit in before they bring on the end times.
Again.

Ironically enough, I don't do cold all that well. Found myself musin' on it while Apple Bloom n her friends pelted my shitty little fort with snowballs. They had my hooves tied round my back, metaphorically speakin', said I weren't allowed to use my fire magic to melt their fort. Fair enough, really.

I stuck my big ol' head out and was pelted with a whole barrage of snowy white death. I was just too damn big!

The CMCs squealed in delight every time, though, so I couldn't exactly complain.

I looked over to see AJ comin' our way.

"Alright, girls, it's gittin' dark, y'all gotta git ready to go home. There's a storm scheduled for an hour from now." Applejack called out into the no mare's land.

The CMCs all groaned in disappointment, but I came over n' gave them all a big hug. "Well," I said, "Hearth's Warmin' is tomorrow, that means the sooner y'git to bed, sooner y'get all your gifts."
That seemed to excite the little fillies, and they agreed. The three of them climbed up on a scooter hooked up to a wagon, and the pegasus - Scootaloo? Yeah, she fluttered her wings like they was a motorboat and revved off into the night to drop Apple Bloom off at the house, and Sweetie off at hers.

AJ walked up to me while I shook the snow outta my beanie and scarf. "Bonfire? I gotta make a last minute run out to the market, but we're outta firewood and Big Mac's makin' supper. Would you be able to go chop some?"
"Yeah, I can, don't worry." I agreed, patting her on the withers.
She looked up at me with a grin, and said, "Jus' don't leave my brother alone for too long, now, y'hear?"
"What's that s'pposed to mean!?" I shouted, and she ran off, hootin' and hollerin' with laughter.
Shiiiiit. If she could see it, everypony in town could.

I walked out to the shack where we kept the logs ready for splitting, grabbed the axe, and got into the rhythm of chopping wood to pieces. No better way to blow off steam than a good thwack n' chop.

Chop.
Place.
Chop chop.
Place.
Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Time passed as I worked myself into a rhythm, then when I was done, I started loading the wood up into a wagon. I was about to hitch myself up to it, when I heard some noise.

The Huntin' Horn.
It sounded in the distance. I looked up in shock, looking at the threshold, seeing it was fine. So then, what..?

I saw something launch from the woods. But it wasn't really visible, looked transparent, almost like..
Water?

Arrows of freezing cold water flew down from on high, pelting my coat and the wagon just as the snowstorm was kicking in, driving the temperature down!!

"SONUVABITCH! COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD, COLD!" I screamed.
The winter storm came roaring right on through, and I realized what them bastards were doing!

They was shock freezin' me! And it was working..!!

I immediately felt my body shivering, shaking, my teeth chattering like castanets, and I was too damn far from the house to get inside! Of course! Why bother with a barrier when you can just shoot artillery! Fuck me! Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold..

I tried shaking off the water, but it weren't much help, I swear it made me feel colder.
Fire. Build a fire. I have firewood.

Fire wood's also wet. Everything is wet n' cold.
Force a fire on some wood and it don't last. Too wet, too cold. I'm cold n' wet. I won't last. Tried reaching in for the ones underneath the top layer, but my shakin' hooves just knocked them into the snow.

I found my mind reeling something fierce. I try to focus, but the cold is so damn bitter on my nerves, it pulls me away, and I start walking, don't know where, I'm just so damn cold. My clothes are soaked. Cold. Wet. Freezin' over. Take off the clothes? Hell no, colder. Put em back on? Hell no, even colder!!

Oh, God, I'm gonna die. This is how I die. The only reason the fae didn't kill me this way before is cuz it was autumn. Sadistic bunch of fucking plants!

Cold, I'm so damn cold. Needed to get help. I tried to scream out, only to find my lungs too short on breath to scream! Too damn cold!! All I can think is cold! Oh, god, help! I'm panicking. I start running, stumbling, tumbling. I looked up at the sky and the stars looked down on me like little lighthouses, far away.
Lighthouse. That was a signal. Signal into the air, somehow.

A flare!
I gather my magic, as shakey and cold as it is, and fire up, into the air, the fireball makin' a little pchooooo on the way up, before exploding!
And that drained the last of my reserve. I look over to my left and see I'm on the ground not even a few meters from where I started.
This was bad.

Please, God, somepony help me..

"Bonfire!"
I see something approachin' in the snow, a thin lady, lookin' a bit like my boss, no, they couldn't be here. No. Why now?

"Bonfire!"

I hear somethin, crane my neck the other way, it takes a decade. Some kinda red blob headin' my way.

"Bonfire!"

Oh, nononono, Mac, run, honey, run, my boss has come to claim me. Save yourself, it's too damn late for me!

"Bonfire! Sweet Celestia, what happened? Stay with me, talk to me."
"M'ex-boss. Here. G-g-g-gonna kill me." I croaked.

I could hear the court laughing at the sad lil' joke that was my life. Why did I ever think I could protect them with just a barrier? Why did I ever..

"I don't see nopony out here, but keep talking, don't go to sleep!" He shouted at me, I felt my body move. Lay across something warm.
"Sleep.. sounds good. Cold, Mac.. so c-c-c-c-cold.."
"Eeyup! I know. We're gonna get you home. You're gonna be okay."
"I'm so..ssssSorry. I can't. Protect you.. At all."
"Nnope! Y'let me worry about protecting you for once, mmkay?! Stay with me, what did this?"
"Th'fae.. sh-sh-sh-shot water.. arrows. over th-th-the wall. I'm so goddamn p'thet.." Felt my eyes closin'.
"Nnope! You stay up!" He smacked my snout with his tail, I yelped, I looked up to see all sorts of shapes in the woods. The flurries of snow made em all shift and jiggle and wobble..
"They l-l-l-laughin at me.. Mac.. I'm scared."
"Eeyup. I'm not lettin' you die. Y'stay with me."
"AhM..T-t-t-trying.."
"I care 'bout you too damn much to lose ya!"
"H-H-H-Huh..?"
"Eeyup!" He snorted as he drove us through the snow.
"M-mac, is you.. are y-you's.. n-nawh... I'm just gonna.. I'm gon'.. nap.."
"Eenope! Stay with me!" Thwip!
"AGH!"

He kept me talkin'. Felt like eternity.
I suddenly felt the warmth of the house run over me. Felt nice. They took off my clothes, put me in my bed. Heard Granny givin' orders, felt a blanket on me. Oh, yeehaw.. hot choccy milk. I was shakin so much they gave me a straw to sip at it. They put a knit hat on my head. Something real warm behind my back.

Time passed.

Warmer now, and I felt myself returning to the living.
I rolled myself over in my bed and found Big Mac inches from my face, lookin' like he was just about ready to doze off.

Oh, he was so goddamn warm. I nosed him to wake him up. His eyes fluttered open, and I found m'self starin' into them big green eyes.

"Hey," I opened, real smooth.
"Eyup," He parried.

I didn't have the right words. I just laid my head down in front of his, nose to nose. My body's instincts seemed to know what to do, and Mac just pressed his nose to mine. And we breathed. It felt so goddamn nice. Wasn't sure how, or why. But inhaling a piece of him was the most, effervescent goddamn thing in the world.

"You wanna talk about.. what'cha said earlier?"
"Eeeyyynnnope."
"Okay. Later, then."
"Eeyup.."

Didn't stop snugglin' him. Just let us bask in the silence. He'd come round when he was good n' ready.

Hearth's Warmin' was here. I was still recoverin' from yesterday, my body ached somethin' fierce and they wouldn't let me leave the fireplace unless I was headin' to the bathroom. I was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, real cozy. Mac wouldn't leave my side.

"I got y'all gifts." I mumbled, goodnaturedly. Sipped on some eggnog, gestured with my hoof. "They's under the couch." Apple Bloom skittered underneath and pulled em out, all gift wrapped n' stuff.
"Aw, Bon, y'didn't have to go an' do that." AJ looked real happy regardless.
"I didn', but I wanted to. Y'all've been the best dang thing that ever happened to me. Wanted to show my gratitude."

Apple Bloom was already tearin' apart her gift.
"A first aid kit?" she asked, confused. "And a book?"
"For yer clubhouse." I said. "You n' your friends get into all sorts of scrapes, I wanna make sure you can at least take care of yourself."
She looked up at me curiously. "B'sides," I continued, "Y'might get a cutiemark in first aid."
That made her light up n' beam real bright. She bounced up and hugged me real tight, and I wrapped my free hoof around her.

AJ looked at the flask I got her. Nice solid double metal canteen with a plastic cup, all fitted into a canvas pouch that strapped to the withers. She looked up at me.
"Drink up!" I grinned. "Y'keep comin' back to the farmhouse parched and gulpin' down water, so I figured you'd like this."
She tried on the pouch, adjusted the straps, and struck a lil pose.
"Whatcha think? Looks good on me?"
"Yeah!" Apple Bloom cheered, lookin' up from her pokin' around the kit.
"Eeyup." Mac nodded.

Granny was already just snoozin' away in her new cushions.

"Mac.. I already asked you whatcha wanted, you said nothin."
"Eeyup." He just laid there, next to me, stoic as always. I nodded.

Apple Bloom and AJ looked a lil' sad, and I flashed them a lil frown and shrug. Trust me, girls, I wanted to get him something nice too.

"Well.. we got somethin' for y'all too, sugarcube." AJ said softly.
"This was Mac's idea, actually!" Apple Bloom piped up, runnin off somewhere.
I looked to Mac. "It was?"
"E..Eeyup."
"Well, he's been hearing you sing to yourself when you do work. And we was just hoping.." and then Bloom came back round the corner with a guitar shaped gift.
No goddamn way.
I gingerly opened the wrappin' paper, and found myself face-to-face with the most gorgeous looking guitar I'd ever seen, holding it in my hooves. My lip quivered. She was beautiful. A rich wooden body that had been given a fancy sealin' treatment, sturdy lookin' strings that could survive a tunin', and no cheap lookin' glue at all - my god, she even had a beautiful apple blossom etched into the wood..
"We was hopin', Just maybe, you'd like to sing with us?" Applejack grinned, and whipped out her own fiddle, while Big Mac pulled out a goddamn banjo.
"You lead, we'll follow you." Mac smiled softly.

Oh hell yeah! Aw hell, wait a second..
"Y'all don't know any songs I do, though. How we gonna play a song together?"
Applejack grinned knowingly. "You'll see."

Huh.. okay. Well I reckon I could play something, then. Fat Little Killer Boy? No, too violent for the holidays. I didn't remember how to play Silent Night..
I spent too long on higher energy country songs, I didn't know of anything peaceful enough for tonight. Cmon! Something about seasons..!

Oh wait.
"I got one." I said, and strummed to see if my guitar was in tune. It was. I grinned, and started tapping a rhythm with my hoof, then started to play.

I swear the howlin' of the wind outside started to sound like a musical saw as AJ joined in on her fiddle and sang along with the first lyric.

We sang so many goddamn songs together, and I found myself able to sing along despite not knowin' the lyrics. Apple Bloom even joined in on the chorus of some songs. Eventually, though, the girls tuckered out and headed off to sleep.

Mac and I stayed together after the celebrations, on that bed. He was warm and I weren't about to go anywhere.

"Bonfire, I.. Bout what I said, yesterday.."
"Yeah?"
"..I meant it. Ever since you showed up and started bein' my friend, I.."

He fell silent.
"Take your time, big guy, I ain't goin' nowhere."
"Well. I've just been real happy to see you, every day. You always come round to spend time with me, even on my less chatty days. I don't have to.. change myself, for you. Folks always thought I was mad with em just cuz I didn't have nothing to say."

He sighed and brushed his mane with a hoof. "Truth of the matter is, I just don't think it's ever worth saying too much. So, you being happy with me, even when I don't talk..? It's nice."

"..Been happy to be round you too," I admitted. "Spent a lotta time out on the road all on my lonesome. Not many friends, no family.." No lovers, I wanted to say. Hookups, sure, but that's just cuz most folks wanted bragging rights about 'Bagging the Highwayman.'
"Here, though? I've.. had it all, and you've been the cream of the crop." I smiled to him. He smiled back, cupped my cheek with a hoof.

"There was a reason I told you I didn't want nothin' for Hearth's Warming." He quietly said to my face.
"Hm?" Felt my own fuzzy coat heating up right around the bridge of my nose.
"I.. Jus' wanted you."

My mind exploded into stars when his lips touched mine.

Author's Note

7 - Get the Hell Outta Dodge

"You wanna learn magic from me?"
Thwack. Tumble tumble.
"Eeyup."

Thunk. Rumble rumble. I grabbed my basket of apples and loaded it up onto the wagon.
He weren't far behind.

Was a real nice sunny spring morning. I looked over in the distance to see the patch of trees that were fixin' to bear zap apples. Granny, AJ, and Apple Bloom were all keeping an eye on them, though the youngin seemed a mite impatient.
Not that I blamed her, they sounded delicious, especially if it warranted Granny waking everyone up with the pots n pans.

"N' I don't suppose this has to do with your plan to become an alicorn?" I turned to him as he loaded up his own basket.
"Nnope," he playfully bapped my shoulder as we walked back to the trees with some empty baskets. "Celestia knows I wouldn't make a good princess anyhow."
"Yeah, wouldn't roll off the tongue right, Princess Macintosh.." I nodded sagely.
"G-D-Ah! Uhm! Prince, Prince. I wouldn't make a good prince." He corrected himself real fast.
"Too much fanciness and decorum involved?" I grinned at him. He seemed real relieved that I didn't pry about the slip of his tongue.
"Eeyup." He sheepishly grinned back.
"Yeah, I couldn't stand them uptight folks neither. I'd probably burn the first whiny sumbitch to a little pile of snooty ashes. How's that for a tax cut, huh?"

Mac and I chuckled.
"So, magic."
"Eeyup."
"Reckon it's gotta do with them fae being after my ass."
"Eeyup."
"Something else to it, I think."
"...Eeyup."
"Is it the fact that AJ and her friends are some big damn heroes?"
"Ee....eyup. Don't forget yourself."
I snorted. "If you wanna classify me as one, I won't stop you. But you know me, Mac."
"Eeyup. And I still love you. You ain't the big bad of the fae no more. You're Bonfire. An' here, you been nothin but a hero. My hero."

God dammit, this stallion gets my heart goin! Couldn't help but nuzzle and kiss his goofy ass.

"Tell you what. If you're still feeling up to it tonight, I'll start with the basics. Learning to find your magic and redirect it. Sound good?"
"Eeyup."

He at least already understood the straight fundamentals of usin' your body for magic, as opposed to horns or wings, givin' his life of kickin' that magic into the trees.

So step one was easy. Just a matter of finding the places in his body that brought out his magic the most, with a ritual that let him see the flow of ichor or whatever y'might call it. I at least remembered that one without my spellbook. Naturally, the majority of his magic flowed into his four legs. Step two was the hard part, and that was finding the magic that Mac worked best with. His affinity, for a lack of better word. So, naturally, we started to experiment with what he might like best, together.

Get your mind outta the gutter.

Initially, he didn't have many ideas, shying away from the blunter magics like floramancy or terramancy. He already kinda knew those, in a way, and he wanted to try something new.

Thought of the more out-there magics I encountered on my travels.

"Slime."
"Nope."
"Light."
"Nope."
"Bugs?"
He snorted. "Nope!"
"Fire?"
He chuckled. "Nnope. That's your thing."
"Water?"
"Nnnnmmmaybe."

Two minutes later we was down by the creek that ran through the farm. Mac tried his damnedest to work the water, while trying to stay out of it, but it weren't quite his deal. What's worse, every time I tried to give him advice, the wind would pick up weirdly hard, and I'd have to wait till it was done to say anything.

Eventually, he furrowed his brow real hard, and started gesturing like he were molding clay, and a small ball of water came up outta the creek. He beamed, shouted, "Eeyup!" before another gust of wind knocked the water out of formation back in the crick. "Ggrraagh, nope..!" He stomped his hoof, and a real mighty gust of wind hit me on the right side and sent me rolling into a tree.

Ow.
I rolled over and saw that the bark cut me open a bit. I groaned, sat up, and once Mac saw my bleedin', he pushed me in the direction of the house to break out the gauze and take a break.

"..How bout healing magic?" He said, lookin over my wounds.
"..I mean.. There is, technically, healing magic, but you can only go so far into that practice before you ended up at necromancy as the next logical step."
"Eugh. Nope."
"Thought not."

He huffed a sigh, and the wind started pickin' up again. Real strong winds, at that.
"Maybe we best move this inside a bit faster." I suggested.
"Eeyup."

Next on the docket was illusions. Technically a subsection of light magic, but it involved activating other senses. Smell, touch, taste.
I weren't the best with illusions, but I did my best to explain the gist. He concentrated on the absolute basics, trying to turn an apple from red to green.

Then, a window blew open, and the wind came in hard, knocking the damn thing off the table.
"Nope."
"Man, what the hell," I grumbled, fetching the apple from the floor.
Bit bruised. Probably still edible. Took a bite out of it as I went to the window to close it.

"Funny, every time we tried somethin, the wind picks up, n' we gotta wait till it dies down."
"Augh, duh!" I slapped a hoof to my head. "Wind magic!"
"That's a thing?" Mac asked me.
"Sure is."
He got all quiet and thoughtful like.
Then he focused his magic on the wind outside, and wouldn't ya know it, the window burst right back open, blastin' me with the crisp spring air. I closed it again, n shook my mane vaguely back into place.

"Well, yup, that'd do it." I mumbled, took another bite of my apple.
"...Would I.. nope.."
I tilted my head at him. "Yeah?"
"..Would I be.. able to.. fly?"
I stopped to think on it, before a little grin spread cross my face. "Y'know.. with enough practice, I reckon you could!"

Applejack came strollin' into the room, sipping on some juice and lookin' back n forth between the two of us. "Y'all're about to try something dumb, ain'tcha." She deadpanned.
"No." I lied.
"Eee..yup." He didn't.

Apple Bloom n her friends stretched the netting underneath us. Where she got it, I had no damn clue. To test it, they jumped around it like a trampoline. It didn't come apart, so it seemed good. "All good, Big Mac! Whenever you're ready!" the youngin called up. Mac n me, we was up on a cliff overlookin' the net, maybe some forty, fifty feet? His legs were a bit shaky, this was definitely not the kind of thing he did typically. I stuck next to him, to help settle his nerves. It definitely helped whenever I gave him some affection.
"Want me to go first?" I offered. "Show you that'll catch you just fine?"
"Nnope!" He snorted. "No."
"Suit yourself, Mac. 'S on you to make that jump though."

It took a bit. You could practically hear the prolonged drumroll as Mac sidled up to the edge of the cliff. He grit his teeth and leapt from the cliff, before he kicked his legs round, "Nope nope nope nope NOPE..!" I heard a gust of wind come up from the ground below me, and, well I reckon he over shot the amount of wind needed to slow his fall, and he came right back up the cliff and landed next to me, flat on his face.

"You good, hon?"
"..yup." he croaked.

I moved over to him and inspected his face, moving him away from the cliff. Few bruises here n' there. "Y'sure?"
"..Nope."
"Maybe we oughta try something more your speed until you get the hang of this."
"Eeyup."

Ended up askin' Twi for help, I weren't no teacher. When she discovered that Mac had an affinity for wind magic and wished to use it proper, she was all in. Penciled in a bit o' class time whenever we could squeeze it into the farm's schedule. From there, we started small, focusin' on gettin' small objects like paper or or mugs to stay in the air. Took a lotta concentration on Mac's part, n' sometimes he'd go on for a real long time, while Twi n' me just chatted.

"Soooo... you and Big Mac, huh?" She said, looking away from his practice.
"Eeyup." I answered on his behalf.
"I knew you had a crush on him."
"I- god, shush, you." I jabbed at her playfully.
"I may not be the Princess of Love, but I-"
"The Who the What now? I thought there was only two princesses. Sun and Moon ladies."
"Oh, no, there's a third." She sheepishly waved off this fact casually. "She used to be my foalsitter."
"No kiddin'!"
"Yeahh, I haven't seen her in a while, though, not since I moved to Ponyville.. I should write!"
"I reckon you should."

"Okay, quit dodging, how'd that come about?"
"Well, spend every evening on a porch sharin' a drink and watchin' the sunset for a good few months, it was kind of inevitable. A steady boil kinda deal."
"Slow burn."
"Huh?"
"The trope you're thinking of is called a 'slow burn'."
"Nerd!"

I never thought I'd know the despair of not being able to eat something, but as it turns out, life has surprises around every corner.

I'm allergic to Zap Apples.
Regular apples are fine, but something in my magical regulatory system just couldn't mesh with the zap. When I first ate one, my body reacted like I'd eaten poison, swelling up my throat and makin' my magic go haywire. They had to get me to the hospital real quick, but they managed to get the swelling down pretty soon after that. So I'm alive, at least.

But god dammit. That beautiful rainbow jam. I'd never get to taste it again. It was weird and I'd never understand how that worked.
Actually, there were a lotta things about the zap apples I'd never understand. I had no idea how lightning made apple trees blossom like that. Hell, I saw the rainbows flying around, and I still was at a loss for words.

Found myself musin' on that while we waited on AJ to come back from the Canterlot rodeo. Prize money was involved, and we all know the siren's call of money. Pinkie done set up a party to celebrate her return, and some cousins from up round the bend done showed up too. I cooly sipped on some pop while waitin', and we all had a generally mellow time of it.

Only for AJ to not come home. Bubbles, the mailmare, had a telegram for us.
"Family and friends: Not coming back to Ponyville. Don't worry, will send money soon." Twilight read aloud. "..That's all there is.."

The others broke into a commotion, but I stayed quiet.
Something felt wrong about this. I furrowed my brow and looked out the window. Then I looked back to my family. I sidled up to some of the cousins and asked a favor of em.

"Mac n' I are gonna join the girls to get AJ back."
"Eeyup?" He was definitely shocked that he was comin' along.
"But what about the farm?" Apple Bloom cried out. I walked over and gave her a hug, real gentle like.
"I already thought 'bout that, Bloom, don' worry. Cousins Honeycrisp n' Goldie are willin' to stick around n' help until we's back."
"O-okay.." Apple Bloom quietly said, grippin onto me like this was the last time she'd see any of us. Mac joined in on the hug, and so did Granny.

If someone was threatenin' my family, they weren't gonna be a happy camper. I'd see to that.

We arrived at Dodge Junction a few days after that. Spent a while askin' round Canterlot, only one lead pointed us in that direction. And thank the stars, the second we arrived, Pinkie ran to an outhouse and who else emerged but AJ.

She was tighter lipped than a mute Eunich in a whorehouse. Eventually, Twilight n' the girls followed her to some cherry farm at one side o' town, askin' me n Mac to find a hotel. Didn't take too long, the girls spent the day pesterin' AJ until she promised to talk about it in the morning.

The morning, which was now a good six hours away. And I was still awake.

That goddamn letter. It kept me up. I didn't like it, not one bit. I couldn't fuckin' sleep. In fact, I reckon this was the first time in a while I had a case of stress induced insomnia. Funny how a safe place to call home'll change ya like that. I paced around my room in the hotel, tryin' not to wake Mac up.

"Bonnie?"
Fuck. So much for that. I sighed. "Can't sleep, Mac. Tryin' to work off the jitters." I grumbled.
"Talk to me." He sat up in bed and gestured me over, and I flopped into his hug.
I snorted. "I.. I dunno, Mac. The writin' in her letter was so.. courteous. Curt. Short. Nothin' like her."
"Eeyup."
"I reckon somethin's wrong."
"Mm."
"I can't just sit still n' wait, I wanna figure this out now..!" I growled, momentarily flickin' a flame in my hoof before Mac clasped his own over it.
"I think you need to clear your head." He said, softly. "Maybe yer right. But losin' sleep over this ain't gonna help you none. I seen you drink coffee, you don't handle it well."

Had me there.
"Hear me out. Go out on a short walk, don't think about this at all, look up at the stars, then come back in."
"Alright." I nuzzled him. "I'll be right back."
"Eeyup. Loveya."

I stepped out into the crisp desert night, took a deep breath, and wandered about town. The night was as beautiful n' peaceful as ever, though I couldn't rightly appreciate it with the thoughts swimmin' round in my head. It was times like this I wished I could attain the divine state of no thoughts, head empty.

I heard some rhythmic crunchin' behind me. But then something caught my attention about it. It wasn't a crunch-crunch, crunch-crunch, but a crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. Slower. Less rhythmic. Like whoever was doin' it was on.. two legs.
My head jerked to look behind me.

A human was sneaking around late at night in deep black n' blue camo. And he just saw me. And I saw him. I tackled his ass before he had a chance to react. We tumbled into the side of a buildin' and I held him in my hooves. We stared at each other. Shit. Do I kill this guy..?

"Are you... the Highwayman?" he quietly asked.
I kept schtum, didn't say nothin', but I flicked my hoof and lit it up.
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, please!" He whispered in a panic, "Hear me out, the others want you dead, not me!"
I squinted at him.
"Listen, sir, please, I.. I don't mean trouble. Just.. hear me out? I promise I'm the only one in town right now. The others are back at camp. The Government wants you dead!"
"Tell me something new, boy." I snorted.

"...Okay. Ever since you left the war, the US army doesn't have a face to hate anymore. The propaganda machine has been running amok trying to find a new way to motivate us soldiers. Rumors about you going AWOL and surviving the aftermath traveled fast, so morale is at an all time low, on both sides!"
I slowly cocked my eyebrow.
"A-and, the government wants to make you a patsy. If they kill you, that's a new narrative they can spin. To try and take the morale back and gain the upper hand. A-and also send a message to potential.. deserters."
Damn.

"So how'd ya recognize me?" I asked.
"All the rumors said that you had some apple butt tattoo, and I was given orders to keep watch on the Apple pony at the rodeo in another town, seemed like she was the one.. but.. now that I know.. who you are.."

He got this distant look in his eyes, gazin' up.
"But what, boy?! Speak!!" I growled.
"But, uh, Th-they're planning on grabbing that, Apple pony, tomorrow."
Oh hell no! I growled and held my hoof up with a lotta fire now.
"WAIT! Wait! I don't wanna kidnap her! I don't want any part of this!"
I lowered my hoof. "What y'all meaning?"
"I-I-I don't wanna go back! Please! I want out. You got out! You're alive! And I want out so bad, this place is so beautiful, the stars.." he legit started sniffling, "I haven't seen so many stars in my life, not since they all blinked out during the Rapture!"
That hit a tender spot for me. "You poor sunofabitch.." I sighed. "Tell ya what. You help me bring down the rest of your crew, my buddy is in good with the Princess of these lands. We can work out a plea deal if you help me."
"I... I have to betray my crew?"
"Do they like you?"

He slumped. "Well,"
His walkie talkie went off.
"McGill, do you read me?"
I kept quiet and nodded at him. He grabbed his radio and spoke into it. "I read you."
"Status report, how copy? Your last ETA was five minutes ago."
"Complications arose, sir. Had to sit tight to avoid contact with civilians."
"... Civilians? They're horses, McGill."
"They're wearing clothes and talking, sarge, I-"
"I don't give a rats ass if they walk up and give you a kiss and some condoms, they're horses. Have you gotten any Intel on target Highwayman?"
His eyes darted to me. "..No sir. No sign of him."

Sweet Baby Jesus. I relaxed a bit.
"...Fine. Rendezvous to LZ. If you're not back within the hour, we're marking you off as either dead, or AWOL, depending on how we're feeling. So get moving. We move to procure the primary target at 0800 hours."
"Copy that, sarge."

He clipped his radio back into his shoulder holster. He kept quiet for a bit.
Then, he looked up, right at the stars. Found his conviction. "Okay. Deal."

"HHHRGHK--! Phtoo!" I spat into my hoof then held it out. "Shake on it."
Most folks don't know that spit is technically filtered blood. When you shake on spit like that, it's a small ritual. And if you go against your word, well, the magic backfires. He steeled himself, spat in his hand, wrapped it round my hoof.
"Name's Jerry. Jerry McGill."
"You can call me Bonfire." I shook his hand.

"..That is such a cool name..." He whispered. He looked back at his radio, then back to me.
"So what's the plan?" he asked.
"You do as much sabotage as you can without gittin' caught. Mess with their guns. Comms. Anythin' that puts em a step behind. Now git. I gotta find me some backup."

"Guess I better get going." He started to crawl out from under me, I stepped away, and he stood up. "You really mean it? About finding a way to get me outta this?"
"That shake had magic behind it, Jerry. If I don't keep my word, the karma'll backfire on my ass. You best keep yours, too."

He saluted me and ran off into the desert night.
An insider. Yeehaaw. I needed a plan..

I looked to the sheriff's office..
"Let's hope he don't mind night calls.." I muttered.

I didn't get much sleep. Mac was already snoozing by the time I crept back into our motel room.
Felt like I laid back, closed my eyes, and then next thing I knew, the rooster was crowing.
Dammit.

I heard a kerfuffle outside.
"APPLEJAAAAACK! YOOOUU PINKIE PROMISED!!!" Pinkie Pie roared in pure rage like I ain't ever heard from a pony.
Shit! I jumped outta bed, Mac was catching up with the girls outside, and I shouted out, "AJ! WAIT, DAMMIT!"

Mac yanked his head back, and the wind blew afoul of AJ's course, knocking her and her saddlebags over.

The girls surrounded her, and I saw a buncha medals all over the ground. Not one of them was first place.
"Girls, hang on -" I tried to get a word in, but they was having one of their friendship moments. I heard the clock tower chime eight times.

"God dammit, this is important!" I shouted.
"What could be more important than finding out why our friend is upset?!" Rarity chastised me.
"She's in danger!" I screamed, before the sound of tires screechin' ripped through the town. Bullets ripped out the windows, into other windows. We was smack dab in the middle of the street, as a humvee rolled up into the middle of town. Masked boot boys popped out, firin' guns willy nilly to make everypony duck n' run, including me!
They hurried up, grabbed AJ real quick, and dove back in with her! Goddamn car sped off with my sister!

I popped my head out and grimaced. Town was riddled with bullets now, I heard a few groaning from injuries, including..
Rainbow Dash had been hit! She was breathin, but she'd been shot in the leg. Sons of bitches was gonna pay!!

"We gotta move. They took AJ." I said, running up to Twilight.
"Rainbow Dash is injured!" Twilight said, looking real stressed.
"I can provide first aid. Rarity can help me dress wounds. Do any of you have any medical training?" Fluttershy said with uncharacteristic conviction. Silence followed. I weren't that good with first aid, no.. "I thought not. You four go get Applejack. Especially you, Bonfire. You know these monsters best."
Yeah, cuz I was one..

We found ourselves a perfectly good wagon, 'cept me n' Mac was too big for the harnesses.
We climbed in anyhow, throwing the harnesses aside.

"Alright! Here's the plan! Mac, you gather air into a bubble and keep it pressurized, but leave a hole leadin' away from us."
"Eeyup!"
"Twi, use your magic to keep the wagon steady."
"On it!"
"Pinkie.. you do your whole.. thing."
"Aye aye, Captain!"

"Pressures... ready!" Mac said, struggling.
I lit a fire right in that air bubble. We were off like a rocket, and Twilight yelped, struggling to keep us upright for the first few moments.
"YEEEEEHAAAAAAA!" I screamed as we soared through the open desert. I looked back and saw a crowd gatherin' on the horizon.

They'd follow our tracks just fine.

We kept barrelling down the desert, Pinkie guiding Twilight on what the humvee's tire tracks looked like. Mac n I held on tight to the rear side of the wagon, and then I saw them bastards on the horizon.

One of them soldier boys leaned out the window and trained their gun on us!
"I got enough firepower to keep us rollin'! Throw their aim off course!" I shouted to Mac.
"EEYUP!" he shouted and, well, done nearly spun the whole damn car out with the sheer power of his wind. The rifle fell outta the fella's hands, kicked and tumbled down the earth, far past us.

The car picked up speed, roaring further off, before turning into some valley with cliffs on either side, ending in a cul de sac shaped gulley, where this massive Stargate looking thing was standing. I shut off my fire, feelin' right exhausted.
"Alright.." I puffed. "You prioritize saving AJ, aight? Teleport her outta there."
"But what about you?" Twi asked me. "You can barely stand! You over exerted yourself!"
"I got this. I have a plan. Keep your friends safe."
"Do you think you don't count?!" Twilight growled at me.
"Later! Okay? Later." I hissed.
She hugged me. Then Mac n' Pinkie did too.
"Augh, dammit, y'all... I promise. I have a plan. But I gotta be the bait."
Nopony was real happy with that. "I'm covering you if things go south." Mac said.
"You got it." I nodded to him.

I entered the valley, only to hear AJ struggling.
"Lemme go! Y'all got no idea what y'all're in for!!"

They had her forelegs cuffed, and her hind legs bound. She struggled, but, unfortunately, the Ol' meme saying of "you can't break those cuffs" held true.

"Sure, we do." The Sarge growled at AJ. "We're about to get the paycheck of our lives. So you either fess up, and tell us who you are, or fess up and tell us who the Highwayman is."
The man pulled the slide on his gun back.

Then he jostled it a bit, cuz it was jammed. It finally slid into place after some fiddling, which gave me time to appear.

"You dumbasses got the wrong pony. It's me y'want." I said loudly, steppin' forward.
AJ looked at me, shocked. "Bonfire...?"
"... YOU'RE the HIGHWAYMAN?" The leader barked in laughter, "Oh, my god, that's fucking rich! I thought that poacher was crazy, talking about how the Highwayman was a little horse! Hahahaha! Oh, this is great!" His head suddenly snapped up with his gun, trainin' it right on AJ. "We're under orders to bring you in, dead or alive. Now come here, horsie. I got a treat." The sarge growled to me. I moved slowly, deliberately. Soon I was in their range.
But they was in mine.

A buck ton of soldiers popped up on the cliffs either side of the valley, clicking off the safeties in nigh perfect unison.

"You let the others go, and I'll come with y'all peacefully." I offered.
"No dice. They're witnesses. Ready!" The rest readied their guns. Mac n the girls gasped. Twilight's horn lit up. Mac gathered his power behind me.
"Knew you'd fuckin say that.. Sheriff!!" I shouted.

Explosions sounded off in the distance. Cannonballs, so many goddamn cannonballs, rained over me, started bombing the place. Everyone dove for cover. I tried to make a run for AJ, but the Sarge trained his gun on me, forcin' me to duck behind a rock.

The goddamn ground started quakin'. Everyone looked out into the distance, and the whole damn town rumbled into view, rolling in cannons along with em.

"GIVE THEM YELLA BELLIED COWARDS THE WHOLE KIT N' KIBOODLE!" The sheriff bellowed.
The townsfolk was outgunned. I knew that. But the element of surprise got them good. They had time.

"Y'think i didn't have a plan, boot boy?!" I shouted at the Sarge. Less guns was trained on me. I could feel them cold gazes pull away as they all done runned for cover. "I told them folks about your plan to snag my sister, was just a matter of them trailing me until y'all made yourselves wide open!"
"Clever." The sarge growled from his cover. "But we're holding you and your friend hostage. You can't do shit while you're all in range of my men. I have the upper hand."
"No y'don't!" I called out steadily.

He decided to call my bluff, and pulled the trigger on AJ, only for his sidearm to fall apart.
Like, literally, into pieces. He looked dumbfounded.

Flash.
AJ was out of his position. Twilight teleported her out to a safer distance.
"Fuck! COMMAND, THIS IS FOXTROT-FIVE-SILO, WE NEED BACKUP, THE HORSES CAN TELEPORT, I REPEAT, THE HORSES CAN TELEPORT!" the leader of the squad shouted into his radio, only to get nothing in response. He looked back to the Stargate, saw that some doohickey on it was smashed, 'fore a hail of bullets rained down on the bastard. He went down fast, and I looked up to see Jerry shakily aimin' his rifle at his dead commander. No one else noticed in the calamity.

"FIRE!" the sheriff roared again, this time closer, canons roared off to my right, the squall hitting the cliff sides where them soldiers was holed up. And also some confetti and decorations, which made for amazingly good.. whatever you call it when you're stunned by a party themed tablecloth covering your head. Apparently Pinkie had a party cannon or something?

I heard guns roarin' above me, before they suddenly went a bit quiet. I peeked my head out to see the guns jammed in various ways, all the boot boys duckin' back behind the rocks to try and fix their rifles on the spot. The only one who was still firin' was Jerry, n' it weren't at anypony, that's for sure.

I took the chance to run back to the rest of the group, where Twilight had a shield up to protect from bullets, though she were right confused at the lack of em.

I was about halfway there when one of the bastards stood up with a goddamn rocket launcher! One of them fancy ones that can fire a shit ton of the bastards at once!

Twilight mighta had a good shield, but them rockets were way too much for her!
I felt the sights train down on me, and I started to move away from the rest of the group, but this sumbitch was a quick draw, and fired real fast!

I had to think quick! Maybe if I blew em up mid air, or-- Dammit, Mac was right, I shoulda gotten some sleep!
"NOPE!" Mac shouted, dove in front of me, and right punched the air, a gust of wind pushing out forwards, turnin' into a goddamn blast of air! The rockets, caught in the wind, flipped right around, and flew into the canyon rocks!

KA-BLAM!

A massive explosion rocked the earth.
Stuff got real quiet for a second there, the town realizing what Mac just did, and the soldiers realizin what Mac just did.

A crumbling, a rumbling, then crashing and smashing, them bombs hitting the cliff sides caused enough damage to cause a rock slide, and the whole damn thing collapsed. We hurried on out of there, trying not to get crushed under the rocks.
The humans fell real fast, some shrieking on the way down. I swear one of them did a perfect Wilhelm.

As the dust settled, them humans was scattered, all groaning in pain. The alive ones, anyhow. I let out a deep breath. Their leader was definitely dead.
Eh.. best make sure. I climbed up on the rocks, and threw a ball of fire under the rock where I last saw him for safety.
The Stargate? Busted. Smithereens.
Praise be.

The survivors was rounded up by the townsfolk.
"Let us go!" one of the humans shrieked.
"Can't. Y'all're witnesses." I said.
"And criminals, in a country without any extradition policies." the Sheriff tacked on. "You might be seein' time in the royal dungeons for good."
They went pale.
"Then kill us!" One of them shouted like a goddamn zealot. "We don't wanna live in a world of namby-pamby goody two shoes ass ponies!!"
The ponies looked real aghast at that. The killing part, not the 'namby-pamby' insult. Death penalty don't exist in Equestria, I guess.

"Speak for yourself." I recognized Jerry's voice, "There's a reason the Highwayman became one of them, and I want in on that!"
"Traitor! I knew you were up to something! You fucking--!! You'll get what's coming to you!!" Another screamed.
I snorted. "I'll tell y'all my reason. I got me some peace n' quiet, for the most part, till y'all or the fae show up trying to ruin my goddamn life!" I stomped my hoof, flames pulsin' out from under it. "This is like, the fifth goddamn time either y'all or them plants put my friends n' family in danger!" Shouted right at em. "Goddamn 'mericans, all of you, don't know when to let go o' somethin' y'all can't have, sick of you fuckin' MONSTERS!" I screamed, fire burnin' in my soul, I was fixin' to show these fuckers why they called me the Flame-
A hoof was on my withers. "Bonfire," was all Mac needed to say to me. I panted, looked to Mac, let out another snort, then turned away with him, n' we walked off while the Sheriff finished up roundin' the invaders.

They kept the humans separated, in case they tried to pull anything. But considerin' they was in a rockfall, only the stupid and conscious ones even tried at all, and then they'd discover how many bones they done broke, and then they'd become unconscious.
Much to everypony's disdain. We didn't bring enough stretchers.

I showed up to the royal hearing a week later, petitioned to speak with Princess Celestia before the trials. Had to ask Twilight for a specific one on one meetin', which let me skip a lotta formalities n' such.

I was led by the royal guard into the castle, ended up in some fancy lookin' tea room, sunlight shining in through frosted glass onto plants, butterflies n' the like. And then I found myself starin' at the sun. Might as well've been, the way she just shined magical power.

"Come in, please, make yourself comfortable." She gestured to a free spot couch she was sittin' on across from a tea table. She was patient while I hopped up.

Goddamn, she was near twice my height.

"Tea?"
"No thank you." I said politely. Knew not to mess with her, she could kick my ass into the next decade.
"Very well. I have heard quite a lot about you, Miss Bonfire. Twilight is very.. verbose about the lessons that you have taught her regarding magic, among other things. I am told you saved her life from a hunter from your world?"
"Yes'm, I did."
"And that you saved a foal from a monster?"
"Mhm."
"And that you were instrumental in preventing more deaths in Dodge Junction?"
"I reckon so, but--"

She hugged me, felt so goddamn warm.
"Thank you, for keeping my ponies safe."
"Weren't nothin', your highness. Last I checked, I'm one of y'all now."

She giggled at that. Then her face turned a touch more serious. "So why have you come to see me today, my little pony? Do you wish for accolades for your part in defending Equestria from insurgency?"

"Oh, uh, no, no, I'd be happy without any medals."
She smiled. "A window in the castle it is."
"Huh?"
She saw my dumbfounded face and laughed. "Oh, don't mind me, just an old mare having some fun. But I know you're here for something more specific than just a reward for your deeds."

"Uh, yeah.." Lost my place, had to gather my thoughts. "Yer highness, I'd like to request that one of the humans, Jerry McGill, work out some kinda plea deal with the crown. Without his help none, everypony involved woulda been injured, or worse. He agreed with me to sabotage his unit's weapons, and cut off communication with his superiors, so long as I helped get him outta the war in the world we both came from. He betrayed his unit and country, just like I betrayed my old masters."
"And, why did you betray them?" She said patiently.

I thought on that answer real good. She sipped her tea.

"'Cause it's two sides of a war where, whoever wins, everyone loses. You either get stuck with mad, egotistical n capricious plants that find human sufferin' endlessly amusin', or you get a government holdin' onto a system of slavery, exploitation, and health insurance, all in the name of a dollar that don't have value no more."

I took a deep breath. I was gettin' worked up just thinkin' about it.

"Folks like me, who was just normal men? We had to pick a side, and I picked the ones that touted the purity of nature, n' then I realized that they weren't nature. Not really. They were puppeteers that used nature as a front."
I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
"N' Jerry? He's the same. He wants to just live his goddamn life, free of all of that bloodshed. This is his chance, and I.. I'd be a right hypocrite if I kept him from takin' it."

She considered it carefully.
"I do believe something can be arranged. But first, I must ask something of you."
"Yes?"
"With this incident, a governmental force has not only invaded this land, but attempted to foalnap one of my ponies, injuring more in the process. This, while not an official declaration of war, was a hostile action between two nations, and I'm afraid that means that now, the crown must act in retaliation, should they try again."

My heart sank. Just when I thought I was out..

"If you do not wish to fight, I don't ask that you do. You are not an enlisted soldier, after all. But I will need information, and that means I need you to tell me everything you know about that world. Will this suffice?"
My ears perked back up. "Y'just want me to ramble 'bout America?"
"As much as you can handle. It need not be entirely within this hour, and I personally don't expect that of you. You can send your reports on your old world to me via Spike's dragon fire. For now, I simply wish to know about the humans in our custody - their hierarchy, what organization they belong to, and why they are here."

I clicked my tongue and nodded. "Reckon I could do that."

When the trial came around, Celestia offered Jerry a lighter sentence on one condition - he serve his sentence as a royal guard, spendin' half his time explaining the anatomy of the guns and humvee to the royal machinists, and once his service period was up, he was free to roam as he pleased.

He took the deal, but he had one real mighty queer request.
"You wouldn't happen to have any magic to make me.. a pony, wouldja?" He nervously grinned.

And thus began the life and times of Undertow the pegasus.