Soulmates - only five bits

by Silver Butcher

Rating: mature
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Other, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1305

Spike gets a great money making idea and sets up a stand in Ponyville, 5 bits and he'll find you the perfect soul mate. To bad Soulmates has a secret meaning in the seedy underbelly of Equestria. Regardless No Refunds!

Spike gets a great money making idea and sets up a stand in Ponyville, 5 bits and he'll find you the perfect soul mate. Too bad Soulmates has a secret meaning in the seedy underbelly of Equestria. Regardless No Refunds!

Why was this put in the Featured box are you all on drugs? Can I have some?
Rquested by superfun

Published 2025-01-20 22:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-20 22:00:01 UTC

Spike's Business

Spike sat on a little wooden stool, behind a poorly made stand with a simple sign hanging over it, it proudly declared that he would find anypony their soulmate, for only 5 bits. And as he was pointing out to his last customer, he had a very firm no refunds policy.

“You checked all the same boxes,” Spike told Snips firmly, “Next time, when you see the write-in personal wants part of the list, maybe specify you don’t like boys!”

“You set me up with Snails!” Snips replied irritably, “How would he be my soul mate?”

“You two gave the same answers for every question!” Spike shot back, “Now either pay the retry fee or give up on love,” Snips huffed before forking over the extra five bits and getting a paper from Spike in return.

“Remember, specify the gender you want your partner to be,” Spike waved Snips off and went back to waiting for customers, Twilight had told him his business idea had been silly but had left him to try it. “He had already nearly milked the foals in Ponyville dry of bits for dating advice and had a solid fifty-fifty success rate thus far in his career.

“Easy peasy,” Spike decided as he set his feet on his little stall counter and waited for customers. He waited approximately twelve seconds before a large shadow engulfed his stand. Spike looked up and was met with an unfamiliar face.

“So,” The colt said, “I hear you set ponies up with…soulmates,” The colt said soulmates weirdly but Spike still stuck to the script.

“5 bits,” he replied simply, the colt coughed up the bits and Spike handed him a small paper. “Please fill out this form, be detailed, and don’t be shy about what you like, seriously it makes it hard to fix ponies up when they fail to mention things like preferred gender,”

“Oh I won’t be shy,” the colt promised, “That's one thing Zephyr Breeze has never been accused of,” Zephyr walked away without another word and Spike leaned back in his stall, and promptly fell to the ground.

“Need to invest in a freaking chair,” He muttered irritably as an adult mare walked up to his stand, Spike looked up at a familiar face this time, the Captain of the Wonderbolts.

“Hm,” She noted upon reading the sign, “Well I’ve stranger ways of finding a good night,” Spitfire tossed Spike five bits and he passed her the list.

“Don’t be shy with your answers,” he told her, “Seriously, it makes things so much harder when ponies are shy,”

“You gonna keep this after I fill it out?” Spitfire asked sternly.

“Until I find a match at least,” Spike replied, “Then I burn it, can’t go letting my competition get a leg over me,” Spitfire chuckled and walked away.

“And Twilight told me no one would believe I could find them a soulmate,” Spike laughed, unaware that in certain seedy parts of Equestria, the term Soulmate was used as slang for a one-and-done kind of nightly visit. As he had set up shop in a back alley and most ponies couldn’t differentiate dragons based on age, Spike had unwillingly just tapped into a new market for his business.

Spike wished Snail luck on mending his broken heart after Snip's rejection and, after a short waiting period Spitfire rounded the corner.

“What’s with the kid?” She asked curiously.

“He was rejected,” Spike replied with a shrug.

“Well, at least this place has some standards,” Spitfire replied. Spike chose not to question the sentiment as Spitfire handed him her list. However, Spike found that she had ignored the checklist and written her wants at the bottom. But before he could read them his second adult customer returned.

“Oh great two at a time,” Spike muttered as Spitfire hid her face, not wanting the press to find out what the leader of the Wonderbolts did in her free time, Zephyr stood out loudly and proudly without a care in the world.

“Zephyr Breeze is here with his…desires,” he wiggled his eyebrows, Zephyr had also skipped every box and only written his wants in the bottom.

Spike didn’t understand most of what was said but was relieved to find that among the many things Zephyr wanted to have done to him, one of them matched the only thing Spitfire had listed as what she wanted to do.

“Well this works out,” Spike decided, “You two both wrote that you’re very fond of pegging,”

“Oh come on, him?” Spitfire demanded.

“I mean he’s the only one in the pool who’s clarified he’s cool with it,” Spike told her, using his business sense to redact the fact that he was technically the only option he had for her. “You can wait and try again later but I can’t guarantee…”

“Fine,” Spitfire groaned as she tossed a few bits onto the counter, Zephyr doing the same, both under the assumption the 5 bits price was as ‘encoded’ as the rest of the sign, a common practice in Soulmate finders was dropping a zero from the price so any fines they’d have to pay in getting caught was significantly less than what they made.

Spike didn’t know why they coughed up so much dough and decided not to question it, instead doing what he always did when he set up a match.

“I’d suggest Sugar Cube Corner for your date,” Spike told them, the two walked out of the alley, and as they did so Zephry questioned the location.

“A Bakery?” He asked in confusion, getting smacked in the back of the head, “Oh I like you,” he added before Spitfire could reply.

“What is this your first time?” She asked irritably as she spied what she thought was the actual location, “Across the street from it dumb ass, there’s a motel,”

“But why’d he-”

“In case one of us is a guard you mook,” She groaned.

“I used to be a guard,” Zephyr replied helpfully.

“I’m only here for your ass, not your sparkling conversational skills,” She snapped back, doing so quietly to avoid being heard, “Now move it and maybe I’ll use lube,”

“Oh no, I insist you go in raw,” he replied with a smile.

“Hmm,” Spitfire noted, “maybe you are a good match for me,”

Spike didn’t know why he’d gotten paid so well and didn’t frankly care once he counted up a total of ninty bits, unaware Zephry had tried to underpay him Spike was ecstatic at his hard day’s work.

“Man, Adults really are where the money is at,” he cheered, he spent the next few hours lazing about until another unfamiliar mare walked up to his stall.

“Say, are you the one who sent those two to ‘Sugar cube corner’?”

“Yeah,” Spike replied with a shrug, “but I already burned their documentation so I’m afraid I can’t help ya find ‘em if one of ‘em owes ya something,”

“Oh no sir,” the Mare replied, “I just wanted to thank you, I had no idea such businesses were taking place in ponyville, please do keep sending them to Sugar Cube Corner, I’ll make sure word gets out about your little stall as thanks for the coin it brings me,”

“Hu,” Spike watched the shifty-looking mare leave and figured out what was going on, “I get it, She must be a mare the Cakes hires to hand out flyers and gets a few bits for every new customer that comes in saying they were recommended,” Spike shrugged, “Well hey, more coins for her sounds like more coins for me,”

Spike leaned back and fell back onto the ground, “I’m buying a fucking chair,” He decided in a huff, blissfully unaware of the absolute mess he had just started for himself.