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by eclair_de_xii

Rating: teen
Tags: Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, Silver Spoon, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Derpy Hooves, Sex
Length: 3264

Diamond Tiara has, like, a verbal tic or something.

Diamond Tiara is talking on the phone with Silver Spoon one day. The clutzy paper girl comes by. Hers is not an entirely unwelcome interruption.

Note: The cover-art is of the pony variant of Tiara, while the story is about the human variant.

Published 2025-01-24 05:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-24 05:50:01 UTC

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Boots were all the rage at CHS now. She should know; she was the one who started that trend, after all, and before that snooty uptight sister of Sweetie Belle's did, no less. Sure, rumors went around; sure those rumors implied that it was Sweetie Belle's sister, the fashionista and trendsetter, who had shown up to school in boots one day, causing her fashionably blind dominoes to fall, so to speak.

Something had to be done.

So later, these rumors were later corroborated to have been made up as part of a desperate has-been's bid for one last shot at popularity — so says a Miss Sunset Shimmer, after she had been paid enough to coerce enough students into either agreeing with the rumor or wisely keeping their mouths shut about how they really felt about it.

Diamond Tiara did not care for the means whereby they were cowed into into line, only that they were. But now that Sunset was no longer cool — 'Was she ever?' Diamond pondered silently as she lay on her bed with her own pair of boots wagging in the air — she was starting to re-evaluate her fashion choices.

She was staring over her shoulder, at her boots for a good minute before turning back to the pillow on her phone. "Yeah, now that you mention it…" she said, making a face.

It went unspoken during the rest of the conversation, but when every girl at CHS started wearing boots, that's part of what killed its appeal.

"I know, right?" came the voice from the other end of a brand new smartphone that would take years to be released for the local peasantry to buy. The only other person in the world who owned a copy of this smart phone was Silver Spoon, who had agreed to test out their new devices.

And testing it they were.

"I mean, everyone already 'knew'," Diamond stressed with a shameless grin, pausing to let Silver Spoon give an obsequious cackle (Diamond smirked; there it was), "that I was, like, the one who, like, started the whole trend. But, like, now that I look at them now — " she looked apprehensively over her shoulder for the fourth time that afternoon " — they seem kinda gaudy. Don't you, like, think so, too?"

"Yeah, like, totally! Whose dumb idea was it to wear, like, boots to school, anyway? It's not like we're, like, going to like, boot camp, or like, whatevurrrr~!!! …Right?"

Diamond paused to frown; it took her a minute for her to remember who had actually started the trend. Once she did, she regained her vigor. "Right? What was that dumb, like, Sweetie Belle's sister thinking, anyway?" she snorted. Then she laughed in order to signal for Silver to laugh along with her.

But laugh Silver did not. "…Wait. Diamond. I thought it was you who started that whole boots thing," she said like it was a question.

Diamond didn't realize her mouth was agape until she had to close it. She opened it again, then closed it; she did not reopen it. She was pausing, pensive. Her eyes were darting around the room instinctively.

"Di? Di? You still there?"

Readjusting her tiara — a much more regal head ornament than that rusty old thing that Shimmer tried to nick at the Fall Formal — Diamond took a breath and recovered. "Yeah, still here. So, like, what was Sweetie Belle's sister, like, thinking, trying to get everyone at school to wear boots?"

"But Di — "

Even from across the brand new Neighponese phones, across a few blocks of houses down Elite Lane of which Filthy Rich was the proud owner and landlord, Diamond knew that Silver could sense her making a grumpy face. Diamond was pleased; right into the memory hole it would go. It was a reference from a book that she wouldn't be caught dead with.

Kicking her boots off, Diamond turned to lay on her back instead of her belly. She had always boasted to Apple Bloom about how her room could fit the entire house in the Apple estate; it was only a half-lie, because it was only half as large, really. But she wouldn't let anyone at school, let alone the Apples, know that ever. Her room had a fountain that dripped pleasantly, for soporific ambience; it had a grand statue of her, holding a grooved orb in her fingertips. As she stared at her chandelier, she smiled, trying to guess how many more bulbs it had than the one in Silver's less endowed room.

Diamond could sense Silver thinking.

Silver could sense Diamond sensing her thinking.

Diamond could sense Silver sensing Diamond sensing her thinking.

Silver could sense Diamond sensing Silver sensing Diamond sensing her thinking.

It was mean.

It was cunning.

But they loved their games; they were like sisters that way.

Diamond was grinning with anticipation; so was Silver Spoon.

Their games usually began with Diamond making the first move.

But this game was different. "Di, you still there?" Silver said tonelessly.

"Yeah, still here," Diamond echoed. "So, like, what was up with Sweetie Belle's sister trying to make boots look like, like, like — "

" — like — "

" — like — "

" — like — "

" — like — " she continued, her smirk growing bestial.

"Gaudy and garish!" Silver supplied, mischief lurking just beneath her alacrity.

Diamond moved.

Which is to say she didn't.

"Di, you still there?"

The first play had been bland, unoriginal, not unlike those three girls who still didn't know what to do after their CHS years were behind them.

Diamond smirked; Starscream does not simply beat Megatron, after all. "Yeah, still here," she repeated. "So, like, what was thenameofthatperson that Sweetie Belle's sister, like — "

" — like — "

" — like — "

" — like — "

" — like — "

" — like, like, likes?" finished Silver.

It took Diamond a beat to realize; she imagined Silver smirking this time at her own cleverness.

Diamond herself smirked, baring her teeth; she was almost proud.

"There's a rumor that she like, likes AJ."

It was custom for Applejack's friends exclusively to use that nickname for her. Meanwhile, it was as equally customary for Diamond and Silver to diss that custom.

"She does what to AJ?" said Silver, momentarily clueless. "…Oh. Oh, I know she like, likes AJ. They're friends, duh."

"Yeah, I know that, stupid, but like, does she like, like, like AJ?" Diamond said carelessly.

"Yeah, like, yeah!"

"So they wanna go out with each other," Diamond pressed on.

"No, they, like, like each other."

"No," said Diamond, who was pinching her nose in mock-frustration, "I mean, like, she like, likes being around, like, AJ, like that."

Silver was giggling on the other end. "Wait, so his name starts with a 'J'? Ooh, ooh! Is it Jubilee, as in Cherry Jubilee? Is it… Junebug? Is it Jet Set…?" she petered hopefully, waiting for Diamond to reciprocate this time.

But reciprocate she did not. "No, like, it's not like, like that."

"Joe? The guy that loves his donuts?"

Diamond actually laughed aloud at that one. "No. Ugh," she said, facepalming. "She, like, likes her clothes and stuff. Ugh. Like, whatever!"

Grim silence followed.

Diamond used it to study her room, to reassess which parts of it wanted rearranging once they were done talking. Somewhere in her mind, Diamond was imagining Silver making a face, trying to imagine not Diamond, but someone else, most likely. "Wait," Silver said, "so how does that even work? Does she put them on one of those mannequins of hers, go on a date with it, take it back home, strip it, and stuff them right in — "

"Ew, ew, ew!!!" Diamond screeched, kicking her bare legs giddily, "do NOT, like, finish that sentence, Spoony." Spoony meanwhile only had a remote chance of listening to that order, since she was already lost in a giggling fit. Diamond resisted, but it wasn't long before she too was infected. "Like, c'mon. You're starting to sound like Derpy!"

"Here I am!" sung a voice outside the window.

Gasping, Diamond stuffed the phone into her pillow covers, got off the bed, and marched over to the window, the doors of which she pushed open. She poked her head out, looking for the source of the noise.

The afternoon was fading. Warm orange hues mingled with streaks of magenta in the sky; clouds were passing by, ever so gently, ever so sentinel, like they were always watching over her as Daddy always said they would. The Rich estate was vast, to say the least. Most of it was a grassy lawn pierced by a paved road that was blinding white around noon. A great fountain stood in the middle of it, and at its peak were two figures: a Rich and an Apple. Statues, testaments to generations of Rich's stood, their hands held out, as though her very forebears were welcoming visitors to the estate. Those statues stood in front of tall, wall-like hedges, behind which a bicycle helmet was bobbing up and down, up and down.

Diamond stared in amusement for a while before shouting orders that led the bicyclist to the front entrance.

It took time.

But the bicyclist made it.

Without further ado, there she was, standing a few yards from a kitchen two stories below Diamond Tiara's room. Popping the bike-brake loose, she leaned her leg on a pedal experimentally; she nudged and nudged, then found the front-basket, which was laden with newspapers. A dull, but comforting pre-sunrise sky, with clouds that would watch over her — that was what her grey skin reminded her of. She was sweaty-skinned, and her full golden hair twinkled in the fading sun's sad glow as she removed her helmet — oh, how her heart ached at the sight of her. But if they were to know, she may as well have buried her reputation right then and there. Maybe that was why she enjoyed fantasizing about it so much.

"Diamond Tiara! Diamond Tiara! Di! Earth to Di!"

The state-of-the-art cellphone was just background noise to Diamond.

An elbow on the window, Diamond had a would-be amused look on her face, one that Derpy was probably too accustomed to. Diamond leaned forward, squinting; on some days, the paper girl forgot to wear a bra on duty. She had rolled-up capris; it was probably one of Rarity's additions, one which Diamond was not too ungrateful for, since Derpy otherwise would have gone on duty in simple, shapeless shorts. Sweat soaked her simple sky-blue tee. "Oh, how good it must feel to have the tickle your shirt like that…"

Derpy was waving something that might as well have been a sword. "Princess, Princess," she was calling to her.

"Oh, yes, knight in shining armor?" Diamond cooed back.

It was sad. It was romantic. It was hot. It was exactly like Romeo and Juliet. She was the Cleopatra to her Antony, and her empire would collapse in a single night if they got together. Or something like that; she barely listened during drama class. In her defense, she had only joined it to learn new ways to evoke other kinds of drama.

"Ooh, ooh! Is that who Rarity likes? That bouncer we met at the mall? I thought we agreed to keep him to ourselves!" Silver whined.

"Princess! Princess!"

Diamond relished in being addressed as such for a few moments longer…

"Ugh, is that Twilight girl back already?"

Silver was probably retching; Diamond barely cared as she went to her bed. "No, no," she said to the speaker of her phone, once she plucked it from her pillowcase. And as she walked back to the window, she wondered if Derpy would catch her if she 'accidentally' fell out of it. She shook the thought from her mind by the time she got to the actual window. She cleared her throat and assumed a nonchalant manner. "Yes, Derpy? What do you want?"

"Aw, that's what I was gonna ask! You're the one who called my name!"

Rolling her eyes playfully, Diamond took the initiative. Like always. "If you're here to deliver the paper, I can, like, come right down."

"No need!" sung the other. "Your daddy's already coming to pick it up. See?"

"That's not my daddy, Derpy," Diamond said, dreaminess evaporating off her voice, "that's, like, my servant."

"Wait, so is he your servant, or is he like a slave?"

"No, like a serf. Like that history paper I — those nerds helped you with."

"Ooh, I love surfing. Can I go with Haywaii with you like I did last sum — What?" she said suddenly, because she sadly saw Diamond Tiara violently shaking her head.

"I don't know what you're on about!" Diamond said.

The servant / slave / serf took the paper from Derpy, angled his head at the third-floor window, and sadly shook his head before returning to the manse.

"Like, can you, like, not like, like — " she said to Derpy, her lips wobbling. "I'm having trouble with like, like, like, like…"

"Ooh, ooh! I remember!" said Derpy, raising her hand, "you gotta stick bombs in them or otherwise they'll take your shield. Or tiara, in your case. And you gotta hurry, or else you gotta buy a new one. …Wait. If you're the Princess, then why are you fighting monsters? Shouldn't you let that knight in green not-shining-armor fight them and lose his tiara for you…? … Wait — your tiara…?"

Silver was still on the line, spluttering; Diamond Tiara had to improvise.

"Your Princess is, like, in another castle, Derpy!" she shouted, to more splutters that she glared at.

"Okay!" And with a ring, the paper girl was off.

Until she had a mind to stop, kick her brake against the pavement, and turn around.

"Hey… wait. That's not nice!" she shouted up at Diamond.

"No, that's, like, your name, or like, whatever," she said, resuming her tone whenever she had to deal with serviles and students.

"Whaaat? No, it just is my name. Not like my name…"

Diamond Tiara's face was twisting in all sorts of shapes and sizes. "Then why are you even — " she stuttered, to the confused head tilt of the paper girl; she mustered her calm. "Never mind. So like, I'll like, see you at school, like, Derpy!"

"Derpy will see Derpy at school like Derpy, too… however that works!" And with a ring, the paper girl was off.

Until the front door opened and Filthy Rich appeared, hands on his suitpants.

Stopping to kick her brake against the pavement, Derpy turned around. "Ooh, ooh," she said, jumping and pointing at him. "Is that your butler?"

"No, Derpy," Diamond said wearily. "That's my Daddy."

"Wait, so you're rich, and your Daddy gets the door, and not his butler." Derpy frowned. "Weird."

"No, I'm Rich," said Diamond Tiara's Daddy, Mr. Rich. "Diamond Tiara! What are you and your friend doing, having a shouting competition like this?" ("More like a Romeo and Juliet re-enactment," snickered Silver Spoon, a comment that Diamond would have jabbed her for.) "I am trying to have a very important business deal with Fuji Apple Telephones closed! I will not have my Apple Empire forestalled on account of whatever it is that you're doing out here!"

"Sorry, Daddy!" Diamond said, before addressing Derpy again. "See you back at school, Ditzy!"

"See you at school, Dazzle!" Derpy said, giving her a wink that almost turned Diamond's legs to jelly.

Diamond and Mr. Rich watched her go.

And with a ring, the paper girl was off.

Until she had a second thought come to her mind; she kicked her brake loose and turned around.

Diamond already had her face buried in her hands at this point.

"I almost forgot," Derpy said, walking up to Mr. Rich. "I forgot to say bye-bye. Bye-bye, Mr. Tiara."

Mr. Rich took Derpy's palm out for her. "Fine pleasure to meet you," he said, shaking her hand. "And just Tiara. Please. …Hold on, pardon me, I'm sorry?" Derpy had her head cluelessly lolled off to the side. "Rich. Just Rich."

"Ooh, ooh!" said Derpy, jumping up and down, her hand still interlocked with his. "Are you like a cool secret agent that catches bad guys and blows stuff up and saves the day?"

Mr. Rich's eyes were wide, his smile odd. "Yes."

"Oh, okay! Cool! Bye-bye, then, double-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O — however rich you are, Just Rich!" And with a ring, the paper girl was off.

Until by some miracle, she had a third thought visit her that day.

She was bicycling back for more questions; she made sure to pop her brake loose before asking them.

"Wait," Derpy said, oblivious to Diamond banging her damned head on the windowsill and Silver Spoon cackling on the phone like mad at her friend's poor sad plight. "If you're Diamond Tiara's dad, then shouldn't your name be, like, Mr. Tiara or something?"

"No," said Mr. Rich.

"Okay." Diamond Tiara kept banging her head. "But wait, doesn't that make 'Diamond Tiara' 'Diamond Rich'?"

"No," said Mr. Rich.

"Okay." Diamond Tiara kept banging her head. "Does that make 'Diamond Tiara' 'Diamond Milk'?"

"No," said Mr. Rich.

"Okay." Diamond Tiara screamed out in sheer agony, animately holding her hands out as though to beseech the heavens to tell her what she had done to deserve this. "Who's 'Dazzle'?"

"Her grandmother," said Mr. Rich.

"It's so nice to learn about your family, Mr. Rich! … Okay, bye!" And with a ring, the paper girl was — already circling her bicycle around to ask, "So how do people know that you're related?"

"They just do!" Diamond shouted.

"Oh," Derpy said faintly, looking up at her with mild bliss, "hi, Diamond Dazzle Double-O-(geez, there's lots of O's in here)-O-O-Just-Rich-in-Vitamin-D-Milk Tiara. Can you use Down-B, then your Side-B, and climb down your chain and — Oh, wait" — Derpy smacked her head — "you can just use your Up-B and Vanish down here."

"No, I can't!" Diamond screeched, eyes popping out.

"Oh, you're right, you're right," Derpy said, a pensive pair of fingers on her chin, "you can't do that in the fourth generation. And the fourth generation is now!"

And then she smiled the cutest smile Diamond had ever seen.

Her reaction was not missed by Mr. Rich, who had up until then been pinching his nose. "Look," he said, "why don't you take my little Diamond out to dinner so you can ask her all these questions?"

"Aw, but I don't know any good, fancy food places," moaned Derpy, hanging her head. A broad callused hand fell upon her shoulder; she looked up.

"I know a few. Seven at Saturday sound good?"

Derpy nodded obediently.

"I'll be sure to let Diamond know. Be on your way, now. Watch out for cars. In fact, why don't I have a servant deliver these by car," Mr. Rich said, a pipe in one hand and newsprint in the other. "You look exhausted, and we've kept you long enough already."

Derpy's eyes aligned just for that. "Yay!" When she turned to Diamond Tiara, the latter found that she was wrong about how cute she could be.

She fainted from a deadly combination of a bloody nose and sheer frustration.

A quip came from the phone by Diamond's blissfully sleeping head. "Sure wish boys fell into my lap that easily."