Do Unicorns Fart Rainbows?
”I’m sorry, what did you just ask us?” Rarity’s eyes widened, a slice of her exquisitely crafted sandwich hovering in the air. Twilight herself was digging in her ear with a hoof, hoping she’d misheard Rainbow Dash’s question amidst their lunchtime chit-chat.
“Do unicorns fart rainbows?” Rainbow Dash repeated, seemingly oblivious to her offensivness.
Rarity and Twilight shared a look of disbelief, their jaws slacked open. Twilight recovered first, setting her sandwich down with a gentle cough. "Rainbow Dash," she began cordially, "I figured a pony your age would know that is just a terrible rumour that schoolfoals spread.”
Rainbow Dash didn’t seem too convinced. "Well, from all the time I’ve know you two, I’ve never seen you pass gas.”
Rarity took a long sip of her tea and set it down with a clank. She placed her hooves delicately on the table, leaning in slightly with narrowed eyes. “Just because you find it appropriate to be so... indiscreet, Rainbow Dash, doesn’t mean all ponies do. A lady has self respect after all!”
“Hey! I’m not the only one who farts in front of our friends!” Rainbow Dash retorted, raising her hooves defensively. “AJ and Pinkie do it, too! And despite her best efforts we've caught Fluttershy trying to have a few go unnoticed! Sure they’re silent but that doesn’t make them any less deadly. (I’m sure you know what I mean). It’s only you guys who I never catch letting one rip!”
Twilight felt her cheeks redden at the mention of Fluttershy’s flatulent escapades. They were all rather aware of how their timid friend would die of embarrassment if they told her act of innocence combined with the smell of death wasn’t fooling anypony. Especially when AJ smelt the air during a sleepover and described the smell as ‘a turd covered in burnt hair’. Fluttershy’s face turned so red it looked like she’d just dunked her head in a can of red paint.
Thankfully, Fluttershy rarely ever cut one in front of them, otherwise they would be forced to say something. So being the good friends they were they pretended not to notice the smell that would make Faust herself vomit.
“Is this really a topic to be having over lunch?” Twilight snapped, glaring hard at her pegasus friend. “I can assure you, Rainbow, unicorns are not so... extraordinary in that department. We’re all ponies, after all, with normal bodily functions.”
“Quite so,” Rarity agreed. “Just because you, Applejack and Pinkie Pie treat it like a talent show doesn’t mean we all do. Besides, I can assure you, darling, that the last thing we want to do is have rainbows come out the place with our... ahem... gaseous emissions. Now, can we please change the subject?”
“Yes, we shall,” Twilight said firmly, eager to shift the conversation to something more appropriate. She cleared her throat and took a bite of her sandwich, hoping the sudden change of topic wouldn’t be too abrupt. “So, Rarity, how’s your new line of summer fashion coming along? I heard you’ve been working on some unique designs?”
“Why I’m glad you asked, darling! I became inspired after-“
“Oh, no! You’re not avoiding my question that easily!” Rainbow Dash interrupted, pointing an accusatory hoof at her friends.
“I believe we just did,” Rarity replied, becoming more and more annoyed with Rainbow Dash’s persistence. “But if you absolutely must know, no, unicorns do not make rainbows with their flatulence!”
“Well, I can see why you don’t fart in front of us, Rarity,” Rainbow Dash turned to look at Twilight. “But why don’t you? You’re not exactly known for being shy or anything. What gives?”
Twilight sighed, pushing her plate of half-eaten sanwich away. Something told her she wasn’t going to be able to enjoy food anytime soon. “Rainbow, it’s not about hiding it, it’s about having some dignity.”
Rainbow Dash only shook her head in disbelief. “Nah, I don’t buy it. I’ve seen you burp the alphabet once. That definitely wasn’t something with dignity.”
“You know that was only because Pinkie made me do it in that game of Truth or Dare!”
“Yet you laughed just as hard as everypony else did,” Rainbow Dash pointed out with a smirk. “So, come on. Just admit it! I promise I won’t tell any pony else; except AJ. Unicorns fart rainbows and crap cupcakes!”
Rarity spat out the tea she was drinking spraying it across the table. It landed on the pristine white tablecloth with a series of tiny splats. “How utterly crass, Rainbow Dash!” she stated, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin.
”Just how in the name of Celestia did you come up with such a ludicrous belief?” Twilight demanded.
Rainbow Dash shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, you know how pegasuses are associated with weather? And earth ponies with the land and stuff? And since unicorns are all magical and sparkly, I figured maybe you guys had some cool butt powers, too. I mean, come on, you can shoot lasers out of your horns and make stuff levitate. Why wouldn’t you be able to fart rainbows and crap cupcakes?”
“Because we don’t!” Twilight and Rarity shouted in unison.
“But I heard from a good source,” Rainbow Dash said, looking completely adamant about the subject, “Apparently crapping cupcakes is totally a thing!”
“And just where on Equestria did you hear such nonsense?” Twilight asked incredulously.
“Scootaloo told me,” Rainbow Dash answered simply.
Rarity’s eyes grew even wider. “Scootaloo? Your little sister? Surely you don’t believe everything she says!”
“Of course I do!” Rainbow Dash shot back, a little defensive. “Scootaloo is pretty clued up on these things! Plus, she’s seen it with her own eyes!”
Twilight and Rarity exchanged skeptical glances, their eyebrows raised. “Seen what exactly?” Twilight probed.
“Oh, you know, the the unicorn cupcake dump,” Rainbow Dash replied confidently. “Scoots told me while on the campgrounds with the Filly Scouts, she went to use the outhouse right after Sweetie Bell, and she saw a few cupcakes down the hole. Completey whole and giving off a strong smell of vanilla.”
Rarity’s face switched from shock to utter apprehension. “Why would Scootaloo even think to look down such a place?!”
“I dunno. I was more interested about the cupcake dump,” Rainbow Dash said with a shrug. “But Scootaloo swears it’s true and she wouldn’t lie to me.”
Twilight’s horn began to glow as she levitated her sandwich back to her mouth, hoping that maybe if she just ignored the conversation, it would go away. She took a tentative bite, trying not to think about what Scootaloo might have seen, or smelled for that matter.
Rarity scoffed. “While I’m sure Scootaloo wouldn’t likely lie to you, I don’t think she saw what she thought she saw. Or maybe perhaps another foal dumped- I mean, discarded their snack there. It’s hardly conclusive evidence of our species’ alleged cupcake-producing capabilities.”
Rainbow Dash still didn’t look any less convinced. She leaned back in her chair with her hooves crossed over her chest. “Then I guess there’s only one way to settle this…”
“And what would that be?” Rarity asked, before suddenly realizing what Rainbow was insinuating. “Oh, no! Rainbow Dash you are absolutely disgusting!”
Rainbow Dash’s smirk had only grown. She was determined to get to the bottom of this. “Well, seeing we just had lunch it shouldn’t be too long before one of you has to… you know.”
Twilight felt her throat constrict as she swallowed a mouthful of sandwich hastily. She coughed and sputtered, her cheeks turning a dark shade of purple. “Rainbow!” she managed to croak out between coughs as Rarity patted her back. “Just what the hay is wrong with you!?”
“What? I’m just saying, it’s science. And you love science. You should be happy I’ve taken up an interest in this.” Rainbow gave Rarity a sly look as she sing-songed, “I’ll let you use me as your ponnequin while we wait.”
Rarity’s temper had reached its limit. She slammed her hooves down on the table with a thunderous sound that made the plates rattle. “Rainbow Dash, I’ve had quite enough of your juvenile slander today. This conversation is not suitable for polite company, much less my tea party!” She took a deep, calming breath, her eyes flashing with irritation. “I think it would be best if you leave now. Feel free to return when you can discuss more mature and pleasant topics!”
Rainbow Dash’s grin wavered slightly, surprised by Rarity’s firm tone. “Fine, fine, I’ll leave. But there’s plenty of other unicorns I can get the truth from!” She eyed Twilight, who rolled her eyes and turned back to her meal, privately happy that Rarity was giving Rainbow Dash the boot.
With a dramatic flourish, Rainbow pushed back her chair and spread her wings. With an unnecessary powerful flap, she zipped out of Rarity’s boutique, leaving her two friends feeling immensely relieved. Twilight glanced at Rarity, who was busy cleaning up the tea she’d spat across the table.
”Well…” Twilight began, unsure of what to say now.
Rarity took another deep breath, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. “I suppose now we can finish our tea in a proper manner. Such a shame she couldn’t appreciate the delicacies I had prepared without bringing up such a tasteless topic.”
Twilight nodded in agreement, sipping her tea cautiously. The warm liquid seemed to soothe the knot in her stomach that Rainbow’s accusations had formed. “I can’t believe she actually thought we’d go along with her absurd experiment,” she murmured.
Rarity dabbed the last tea stain with a napkin and sighed. “Well, we can rest easy knowing no unicorn on earth is going to aid Rainbow Dash on her quest to find out the truth about the unicorn race. Can you imagine the scandal? We would be the absolute laughing stock of Equestria!"
Twilight chuckled despite herself. "I can't even begin to think of how a unicorn would ever be taken seriously ever again! Good thing Princess Celestia managed to convince ponies it was all a myth made up by schoolfoals."
Rarity took a final sip of her tea, setting the cup down with a gentle clink. "Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I need to drop some cupcakes off at the bakery." She gave a delicate cough, standing up with her tail swishing behind her as she headed to the bathroom.
Twilight nodded understandingly, watching as Rarity trotted away. As the bathroom door closed upstairs, Twilight looked around the room making sure she was truly alone. The boutique was eerily quiet, the only sound being the ticking of the clock on the wall. Satisfied of her solitude, she raised her flank off her seat and released a toot from her boot releasing the rainbow she had been holding in since the beginning of lunch.
Author's Note
Stay tuned for the next comedy story of: The Last Words of Celestia.
Synopsis: Celestia makes a rather empowering speech as her last words. At least that's what Twilight had heard. Good thing Luna was there to bring up the fact her sister had spoken out 4 little words that change everything on how ponies will remember her. And Twilight is not happy about it.
