When I see a couple, I groan.
I wish I had what they had. I wish I was happy like they are. I wish I could be somepony’s special one. I wish I was special to begin with. I wish I wasn't alone, I wish I had somepony to talk to when things got rough, I wish I had the courage to go out and actually meet somepony new, I wish I wished less and acted more.
But I am a blip in ponykind’s history. An anthill has more of a lasting hoofprint than I do. I work a job where I'm overshadowed and forgotten. The store isn't named “Pommel for you” it's “Rarity for you” . She's the one who saved equestria, I'm just the girl who wishes she did.
Yeah I'm being petty, so what? Have you never been petty in your life? Have you never wished you were more than you are now? We all wish for fairy tales, lives not our own where we can be whoever we'd like to be. I wished I made dresses like she does, but I don't. I tried, and I failed, and this is where I ended up. At least it could've been a lot worse.
I make some good money with the store and Rarity is a very generous boss, but I am too devoted to my job to spend time with the “Getting to know each other” part, why can't we just skip to the “We are a happy couple now forever and ever” part that we always see in fairytales?
Lucky me, I can. And I've just received my paycheck.
Manehattan is a big city, perfect for those trying to show off and get seen by thousands of eyes, but it's also full of cracks and rat dens for those who want to avoid detection. One of those rat dens is called Crimson Row just beyond downtown. Closed at daytime, but during the night, the neon signs and glowing ads call to hundreds of ponies attracted to the night life of Manehattan.
Bars, clubs and strip clubs, Brothels, Pachinko parlors and casinos alike, wasted middle aged office workers and lonely single mothers trying to make some cash, hell, they even got ink shops there.
I'm the perfect clientele, a loser with too many bits to lose.
As I wandered into an alleyway, past the dumpsters and through a rusty old metal gate and finally up a hidden elevator to floor 5, I was greeted at the door by the receptionist who by now had likely been instructed by the owner to always invite me in with a courteous smile, as she did just now.
Two bodyguards pushed the cushioned velvet doors open. I was almost blinded immediately by the bright red neon light, and the sudden smell of cigars and cheap champagne, not to mention the patreons surrounded by mares with fake smiles on their faces. The “Velvet room” is where I went to every friday.
The musky smell of sweat and drinks, the low light ambiance, purple walls, carpeted floors stained with more than just spilt alcohol and other liquids, the passing glances I got from stallions who likely thought I was some kind of hostess for the place made me hasten my step through the crowd. It was all part of the package deal that I knew too well.
It was overwhelming at first, sure, but that was at first. Once I got over my fear, this place was like a second home to me. I always came to see one mare, and one mare only.
It was an ornate room, fairly big with plenty of cushioned round sofas, a walkway with a pole, although currently no show was being performed, round tables for big groups of people yet I was alone as I always was. The music was loud, an electro pop tune that made the others shake their flanks to the song.
Rocks, the bartender, knew me. He had seen me come and go every friday for the last three months. I approached the dimly lit bar where he stood with bottles upon bottles behind him, and after he was done tending to another customer, he turned to me with that same bartender smile.
“Same old?” His voice was difficult to hear under the speakers.
“Same old.” I sat by the bar and patiently waited for my drink.
It was always the same: Tequila, a splash of beer, sprinkle in some chilli powder. I gulped the first shot down immediately, and asked for another.
“Is she in today?” I asked while Rocks prepared the drink behind the counter, doing his usual theatrics.
“Course. Ever since you showed up, she hasn't missed a day.” I gulped down the second shot before taking a moment to clear my throat.
All I had to do was wait, she'd know where to find me.
And It wasn't long before she did. Pushing through the crowds, draping in that beautiful black sparkling dress, those sultry eyes with black make-up, my little bat bearing a fanged smile in black make-up as she approached closer, black fringe covering half her eye.
Fuck, she knew how to make me hers. The unicorn of my dreams, Moonlight Raven, my goth queen.
“Welcome back coco sweetie. Missed me?” She didn't hesitate to plant a kiss on my lips, pulling away just as quickly as she came. I wished she'd held just a bit longer. “Already drinking? Starting the party without me?”
“Sorry, couldn't resist.” I tap the stool beside me and turn to Rocks. He knows how I like to pamper my sweetheart, so he brings her “The Ebony”, grown all the way in Fillydelphia and aged for almost a full decade. The price was high, for such a wine, but she deserves it.
“Woah, you know if you keep this up I might have to keep you for myself.” She pulled on my collar, and like a schoolgirl I just giggled. But something was different, she held the smile but not for long. Turning away to reach for the glass and sipping it down, before turning to me once more, continuing like nothing happened. “How was your week, love?”
And then we just talked. In places like these, you don't usually just “talk” with the girls, but Moonlight was the one that listened. Or at least she pretended she did, and even if for a few moments, I could pretend I was in a happy relationship. She sold me the fantasy, and I bought it. And I was happy with it. It was as real to me as it could ever be, and before I even realized it my whole paycheck had been spent on her. On her drinks. On her outfit. On gifts for her.
I'd sent her a birthday gift just a week prior, the dress she wore that night. I bought it myself from the boutique, but when Rarity asked if it was for a special somepony, I hesitated to speak. She wouldn't understand, someone with friends and a successful life like her wouldn't understand.
The night was nowhere close to ending, despite us being a few good bottles in already. I slurred my words, I didn't know what I was saying but I was laughing, and Raven was there, laughing along with me, encouraging me to buy just one more drink, and even lose twice on a roulette wheel. It's her job after all.
Moments of levity are a blessing in Manehattan, especially when you work a job that requires you to speak to high profile celebrities, dignitaries, and the such. This was my release, and she was there for me in those moments.
But the best was yet to come. We entered the private cabins, a long hallway hidden behind a purple veil in an already dark room, with each bedroom being numbered and locked with a key. I rented room 502 for a few hours, it was our favorite room.
The floorboards were just the right amount of sticky, the heart-shaped bed was the perfect size for us even if we had broken a spring on the mattress just a few weeks ago, and our special toys were always hidden next to the bedside cabinet.
She made me feel things I could never feel with anypony else, and not only did I feel good, but I felt happy, like I could trust her with anything, like she could listen to my problems minutes before shoving my face on the sheets and making me scream. I was hers, and she was mine.
Until she wasn't.
“I'm leaving Manehattan.” Was the first thing I heard after we had been cuddling in bed together for a few good minutes. The heat had died off, and all we did was simply enjoy each other's company in silence. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't have a problem ignoring it.
“What?” I turned to face her, I was small spoon.
“I said… I'm leaving Manehattan” I wasn't sure if the hangover had hit me already or if I was actually hearing what I was hearing, so I had to push myself away from her and sit upright on the bed to think straight.
“After all we've… Been through?” Was all I could muster up the courage to say while feeling my heart beat faster. Surely there is some fix, surely there's something we can do.
“I…” Raven sighed. She too had to sit upright on the bed, and rubbed her face with her hoof. “I knew you'd say that…”
“No you can't be serious, right? Why?” I hope the explanation is good at least.
“I just… I want to be somepony. I've been thinking the past few weeks and I always wonder, what did I accomplish? Who have I become? Was it worth it leaving my dreams behind for this? Funny enough I've always wanted to own a flower shop…” Raven looked down at the mattress, gripping her sides as if she was shivering cold. That tone of voice, meak and careful. She was never insecure, always confident, always charging forward, and now she speaks to me like she's broken her shield. Part of me wants to thank her, weren't the circumstances, I can't lose Raven, she's the only one I have left who cares, even if her care comes with a price tag.
“You are somepony, you are mine and I'm yours!” Desperately I crawl over to her, gripping both sides of her cheeks with my hooves. “Remember?”
“Come on… You and I know this life, it's nothing to be proud of…” Raven averted her gaze, her hoof now ran down her long black mane. “Don't make it harder than it has to be…”
I stared in stunned silence. She couldn't be serious, after everything? She just says she's going to leave? I crawl back on the bed and let go of her. No, I can't lose her!
“W-Well! I will! It- We- You just can't say something like that! And- And expect me not to react!” I have to fight, I have to fight so hard from the swelling up. My voice cracks, and I stutter frequently. I'm not as confident as I was when I walked in. “What's wrong with us? We can work through it, I can- If you want more money, I'm getting a raise soon and-”
“It's- not… The money, Coco…” Her voice cracks, but she still can't look me in the eye. “I know you'll throw how much money I want at me but I just- can't live like this…”
I wasn't understanding.
“But you wanted to be somepony, right? You're my somepony, remember?” I try to appeal to her caring side, a desperate plea, but it only confirms her point.
“No, no I'm not. I'm just your escape from loneliness. I pretend to love you, and you keep paying me.” What? How could she feel that way? After everything I've done for her?
“But the gifts!” I added. “The- The dress, the money, I pay well for you! I give you everything you ask for!"
“And that's why I feel like such an asshole!” Finally she stopped staring at the ground and turned to face me, and by then, she'd already grabbed both my shoulders. “Coco, Listen to what you're saying! We don't have a connection. We are not lovers. We are nothing.”
Those words crushed me. But part of me already knew it before she even said it. She was the fantasy I had bought, and now, that fantasy was crumbling before my very eyes.
“I-I…” It's like a hundred things at once rushed through me, but nothing came out. A garbled mess inside me yearned to speak, to tell her how I felt. She meant more than she could ever know to me, but it didn't matter. In the end, she was right, as much as I hated to admit it, she was right. But I want to keep, if just for an hour or two, the fantasy alive. Even if I know it's going to end soon, just a while longer, a little bit.
“Being with you is not the life I want, and worst of all, not the life you deserve. This whole thing isn't something you deserve. It isn't healthy for either of us, and the past few weeks, that's all I could think about…” Raven stared me deep in the eyes, sincerely reaching to my depths. I stared into her beautiful purple irises. “You’re different from all the stallions I've met, with them it was always a one and done deal. But then you came in and- You like to talk about your damn week… Who the hell goes to a strip club for months straight every week to just talk? Worst part is that I listened to you, and for a while I did think we had something special, but I'd be lying to you and you would be lying to me too if you said it was anything more than a service I provide. Your… fake girlfriend.”
“Well- What's so different between me and the stallions then?! We're both buying the service!” They are just like me, aren't they?
“The difference is that they know what they're doing. They know who and what I am. Coco, you are an amazing pony and- ever since we started hanging out, I've slowly realized that you have a problem and I'm your temporary solution to it. At first I thought it was fine, more money for me after all… But I just couldn't bear to see you crawl back into this- shit hole every friday just to see me. This… This is for your own good too, Coco.”
Raven sighed, gritting her teeth, it's like she held back rivers, and I knew that because I was doing the same. I was trying to grasp onto that fantasy that had already cracked and brought me back to harsh reality, a reality which I just wanted to ignore and run away from, one where I was a pathetic and worthless loser, where I would always be just that.
“Raven! Please- there's a solution! You want to be somepony, w-we can be someponies, together, happy, right?” Always desperate, always reaching.
“No! Coco! Stop! There's no fairytale wedding for me, I want to be somepony but I don't want to be somepony because of you! I want to work for it, I want to show my worth and my worth alone! I don't- Want your gifts! Your drinks! I just- I want you to be happy, and for you to be happy, it's going to have to hurt for a very long time.” Raven lifted herself from the bed, turning her face away. She sniffled, and rubbed her hoof across her face, smearing her mascara. “Maybe… Maybe in the future we'll see each other again… But I hope you can forgive me.”
I fought back my very own tears. My fantasy was just that, a fantasy. And it was just about to leave through the apartment door.
“So that's it then… ” Alone… Again.
“I'm sorry. But we need this. If it means anything, you encouraged me to change my life. I hope you'll change yours too.”
“Okay…”
I stared at Raven from the bed, watching her step closer to the door, looking back at me one final time.
“Just don't forget me. Please.” That's the last thing I told her before she closed the door on me.
The walk home was quieter than usual that night, with just the blowing wind to give me company, even when most nights, Manehattan was the city that barely slept. If I didn't know any better, I'd say the universe was playing a cruel joke on me.
It was all a lie, I knew it was. She knew it too. I couldn't blame her for wanting something more, but was it wrong for me to be selfish and not want to be alone? She made me whole, she made me happy, my worries melted away whenever I spoke to her, whenever our lips touched, whenever we were together.
Why couldn't I just live in that fantasy for a while longer? Just a little bit? What's wrong with being happy? Is it so fucking wrong of me to not want to be alone? The feeling made my stomach churn and swell, it made me weak at the knees, the mere thought that I'd go to my apartment again and sleep in my cramped room, the thought that the whole week I would think of her, longing for friday despite knowing she won't be there.
You never know what it's like to be truly alone, until you don't have anyone to turn to at a night like this. As I walked along the streets I wished to hear her run up to me, to apologize, to tell me everything would be okay and that we could be together. I wanted to feel her there giving me a warm hug, or maybe not even her just someone to feel this emptiness I now had.
But I knew there would be no one. And as that feeling sunk more and more I fell back into the same pit of self hatred and loathing that had led me to Crimson Row in the first place. I know Raven meant well, but that fantasy kept me going in the hardest of days...
I didn't make it one block away from the club before I simply sat down on a curb and cried.
