You Can't Stay Here

by Catweazle

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3827

Anon is being reviewed to see whether he should be banished

Twilight has been summoned to Canterlot to discuss whether or not Anon deserves a second chance or be banished. Twilight is hopeful she can convince the ponies he can be redeemed but Anon's list of complaints strongly go against him.

Can Twilight save Anon from being banished? Probably not.

Final story of: You Can't Do That Here

Published 2025-01-28 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-28 04:40:01 UTC

LAST SHOT

The next couple month had rolled around, and with it, a sense of dread that clung to Twilight like a thick fog. She had received the summons last week, the parchment seeming to glow with an ominous light in the soft glow of her bedside candle. The words were written in a stern, no-nonsense script, demanding her presence at a special concerning Anon. Twilight had hoped that the weeks of his behavioural improvements would have made this unnecessary, but alas, his stupidity had managed to reach Canterlot.

“Now, Anon,” Twilight spoke firmly. “I have to go talk to these ponies. You are to stay right here and don’t move. Do you understand?”

Anon nodded, his face a mask of innocence. “But what if I get bored?”

Foreseeing this problem, Twilight produced two red rubber balls from her saddlebag and levitated them into Anon’s hands.

“Here,” Twilight said. “Bounce a ball against the wall. It’ll keep you busy until I’m done.”

“Why would I need two?” Anon asked.

“Because no doubt you’ll manage to lose one and use it as an excuse to get up and wander around,” Twilight deadpanned. She knew all too well that giving Anon a single task was akin to handing a foal a box of matches and expecting them not to set something on fire.

“What if I get hungry?”

Even though Twilight prepared for this, too, she thought she wouldn’t actually have to give Anon a snack and a juicebox like he was her foal. Rolling her eyes in disbelief, Twilight levitated out a bag of carrot sticks and a grape juice.

“There,” she said, setting the items down before him. “That should hold you over until I’m back.”

Anon frowned at the bag of carrot sticks. “Why did you pack carrots? You know I hate carrots.”

Twilight glared at him, her eyes flashing. “Because you need to eat something healthy for once, Anon. Plus, I know you won’t eat them right away which in turn prevents you from barging into the meeting, complaining how you’re still hungry!”

“What if I have to go to the bathroom?”

Twilight felt a migraine coming on. “It’s literally ten feet to your left.”

“What if-“

Losing her cool, Twilight shot her hoof out, grabbed Anon by his shirt and pulled him so close to her face that their noses nearly touched. “Anon, ever since you arrived in Equestria you’ve been nothing but a complete pain in my flank! The ponies I’m about to see want you out of Equestria! Meanwhile I’m trying to save your ass! So the least you can do for me in return is sit here, shut up, and behave! Should you fail to do that, I will have Applejack legally adopt you as her son so she can deal with you however she wants! Do. You. Understand?”

Anon nodded frantically, squeaking out, “Yes, Twilight!”

Twilight’s rage quickly dissipated and a smile came over her face. “Good!” she said cheerfully, releasing him from her grip. “Glad we’re on the same page!”

And with that Twilight turned and walked the short distance down the hall and into the meeting room.

Inside, the room was dimly lit, with a long rectangular table taking up most of the space. Twelve ponies, all of high standing in Equestria, sat around the table, their expressions grim. Twilight gave them a nervous smile, which none returned. They had been her colleagues for years, but today she felt like she was facing a tribunal of stern parents. She took her seat at the end of the table.

“So…” Twilight began, tapping her hooves against the polished surface of the table. “Where should we begin?”

The pony to her far left, an elderly stallion with a thick mustache, cleared his throat. “Well, Princess Twilight as you know we are gathered here today to discuss your rather estranged alien. The reports of his actions have been disturbing, to say the least. His disregard for our laws and customs is a concern that we can no longer ignore.”

Twilight nodded solemnly, her stomach knotting at the seriousness of the situation. She took a deep, calming breath and began her defense. "Anon has had his challenges on integrating in our society, and has been upsetting the locals. However, I don't believe he is a lost cause. I've been working with him, and I truly believe that in time, he can become a productive member of Equestrian society. He's just not used to our ways, and I'm confident that with the right guidance, he can learn to respect our laws and traditions."

“According to our records, this Anon has been living among us for the better part of a year. But I see no record of how long he has been under your 'guidance'. So just how long has it been?" A stern-looking unicorn mare asked, her eyes bore into Twilight like twin drills, demanding an honest answer.

Twilight swallowed hard. “Well, as you already know he arrived in Equestrian nearly 9 months now. Which is around the same time I've been housing him in Ponyville. However, we would have to excuse a month, give or take, for him to overcome his shock of being in an entirely new world. Wouldn't you agree?"

“Apparently, during his 45th day in Equestria he seemed comfortable enough to relieve himself on a tree in front of a family having a picnic,” the unicorn mare replied, her tone icy as she read from her copy of the file. “And when the father of the family confronted him, Mr Anon answered, and I quote, ‘There are like a hundred other trees here, dude. Either find your own or wait your turn.’ End quote.”

Its' just that in his world, ponies are…” Twilight racked her brain for the right words. “Less private than we are here.” The room was silent, all eyes on Twilight, clearly not accepting her response to Anon’s inexcusable behavior. She couldn’t blame them. If Twilight were among them she wouldn’t have found her reply to be satisfactory either. “He’s trying, he really is, and he’s made some improvements.”

A stallion close to Twilight’s right spoke up. “We are not questioning your intentions or his capacity to learn, Princess Twilight. It seems to be that his 'adjustment phase' is causing more harm than good. For example, the incident at Ponyville Town Hall where Mr Anon made a rather crude announcement to the crowd."

Twilight wanted to bury her face in her hooves right then and there. She was hoping that incident hadn't made it to this meeting. Celestia, the memory of it was branded into her brain.

3 Months Earlier...

It was Friends Appreciation Day. Twilight had hoped to enjoy the festive atmosphere and maybe even take a moment to relax with her friends. But alas, fate had other plans. As she stood among the evening crowd, waiting for Mayor Mare to begin her speech at the front of Town Hall, Pinkie Pie suddenly asked where Anon was. Twilight's blood ran cold as she realized throughout all the fun she was having, she had forgotten all about him. She looked around frantically, seeing no sign of him. He wasn't exactly difficult to spot in a crowd seeing as he was the tallest among them. Anon must have gone back to the castle, Twilight told herself. He had been pretty good today so maybe keeping his focus on behaving wore him out.

The Mayor cleared her throat and began her speech. "Citizens of Ponyville,” Mayor Mare announced, her voice echoing through the town square, "today we gather to celebrate the bonds of friendship that tie us together, to remember that no matter-"

Her words were cut off by the sound of the Town Hall's doors flying open with such force that they nearly knocked over the banners hanging above them. Anon emerged from the building, a broad grin on his face, with Lyra Heartstrings in his arms. The young unicorn was giggling uncontrollably, seeming not to notice the change of scenery. Knocking the mayor aside from the podium, Anon tucked Lyra under his arm and yelled into the microphone.

"Lyra Heartstrings and I had sex, and we are in love!" Anon's voice boomed across the town square. Twilight felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment as gasps and murmurs of shock rippled through the crowd.

Present

“But he didn't really have intercourse with her,” Twilight exclaimed. “He had- He was only joking! Lyra and Anon are just friends; they have no romantic interest with each other! It was just one of his awkward attempts at humour that didn’t translate well into our culture!” Twilight was desperately trying to backpedal and salvage the situation.

“Yet it took ten ponies to restrain Agent Sweetie Drops from charging at him! Another five to get Anon away from the podium while he insisted to make another statement. More than likely as inappropriate as the last one!” the stallion with the thick moustache pointed out. “You can’t possibly be excusing all his behaviour, Princess! It’s all too clear you have no control over him. Which is why we are all here now. We all know how much you care about this human but he’s not a pet. He knows right from wrong and while we’re thankful he’s not a danger to society, he is a menace to society. Surely you tried punishing him?”

“It’s a little awkward to ‘punish’ an adult,” Twilight reluctantly confessed, rubbing a hoof behind her head. “I mean, I tried to ground him several times but he’s stubborn. But I can handle stubborn! I just need a little more time to set him straight!”

The ponies around the table exchanged glances before the unicorn mare spoke again, her tone as sharp as the quill she held. “Time is a luxury we can no longer afford, Princess. His antics are not mere pranks but are causing serious disturbances. For instance, you tried to get him a job as a tutor for the young ones. Did you think that was a good idea?”

Twilight knew where this one was headed. She had hoped that little escapade wouldn’t come up. “He is surprisingly good with foals, and I thought it might help him feel more integrated and useful."

One stallion in the middle cleared his throat as he put his copy of Anon's antics down. "When you say 'good with foals' I think you might have missed the memo on what happened in your own library, Princess. His 'lesson' ended with half a dozen foals traumatized!"

2 Months Ago...

A group of foals sat around the table in the library of Twilight's castle, their eyes struggling to stay focused on their boring homework.

"This is stupid!" Scootaloo finally snapped. She slammed her book shut and looked around at the others. "Why do we even need to learn about the history of Equestria? It's just a bunch of old ponies doing stuff that doesn't matter anymore!"

"It does matter!" Sweetie Belle replied, not looking up from her book. "Everything we learn about our history helps us understand our world!"

Applebloom, sitting at the opposite end of the table, looked up from her scribbling with a frown. "Yeah, but why can't we learn about cool stuff? Like, I don't know, the time the Apple Family fought off a whole hoard of timberwolves from Ponyville!"

"I just don't care either way," Scootaloo said, reaching into her bag to retrieve a comic book. "The only thing I'm interested in reading is 'The Adventures of Captain Hoofbeard!' That's history I can get into!"

As she flipped open the colorful pages, the comic was ripped out of Scootaloo's hooves. Enraged, Scootaloo turned to face her assailant and her eyes went wide, her jaw dropping to the floor. It was Anon, standing tall over the foals dressed from head to toe in green camouflage and an army cap.

"Here's what's gonna happen, maggot!" Anon stated, waving the comic in Scootaloo's face. "You're gonna pick up that history book! And you're gonna read it now!"

"But I hate history!" Scootaloo argued. "It's so boring it hurts!"

"Not as much as this does!"

Before the anypony could react, Anon leaned down and secured Scootaloo in a headlock. The little Pegasus yelped, as she began to get what had to be the roughest noogie in her life. Her eyes watered as she squirmed under his grip. The sudden assault was so unexpected that the other foals froze in place, their books and quills forgotten.

"History teaches us about our past, so we don't repeat its mistakes!" Anon yelled as he roughed up Scootaloo's mane.

Then in a swift movement, Anon hoisted Scootaloo over his shoulders, her tiny legs kicking in protest, he began to spin around on the spot. The foals around the table could watch bewildered as Scootaloo was stirred dizzy.

"Without history we have no future!" Anon shouted over Scootaloo's protests, spinning faster and faster before flipping her onto the nearby sofa. The foal landed with a thump, the air knocked out of her. Anon whipped around to face the other foals with a mad look in his eye. "Anyone else need motivation?"

The foals quickly picked their books back up and opened them, their eyes wide with fear.

Present

"Um... well... Scootaloo did score the highest in her history exam," Twilight mumbled weakly. Anon was pretty much screwed at this point.

The list went on and on on how Anon was out of control and had no place among them in Equestria. Twilight's ear pinned back knowing full well what the verdict was to be.

“I think we have enough evidence of Anon’s behaviour for us to decide on our next course of action, Twilight,” another council mare stated. Twilight’s blood ran cold, knowing that her words of defense were not enough to sway their judgment.

The ponies around the table nodded gravely, and the icy-maned unicorn spoke up. “We, the Council of Equestria, hereby vote to banish Anon the Human from our lands, effective immediately. His disregard for our laws and customs can no longer be tolerated. He poses a risk to the very fabric of our society. All in favour, say aye.”

Twilight’s heart sank as all the ponies gave their approval in unison. She felt a wave of desperation wash over her. “No, please, I can still help him! He’s made progress, he’s just a bit... misunderstood!”

As luck would have it, Anon’s voice could suddenly be heard loud and clear from behind the closed doors. “My balls! My balls! I lost my balls! Has anyone seen my balls? I can’t find my balls! You! Did you take my balls? I bet you did! You probably grab everybody’s balls, don’t ya!? You ball toucher!”

All of the Council stared right at Twilight who could only try her best to make herself appear smaller.

Anon’s fate sealed, the ponies started gathering up their things, preparing to leave. Twilight looked around desperately, hoping to find a single ally, a spark of understanding in any of their eyes. Yet, all she saw was disappointment and a firm resolve. As the stallion with the moustache passed by her, he paused, his eyes softening slightly.

"I'm sorry, Twilight," he said gently. "I know you had high hopes for him. But perhaps this is for the best. He could use this as an opportunity to reflect that he’s taken our leniency for granted. I have no doubt you’ll keep in touch with him so maybe one day we can revisit this decision.”

Twilight could only nod in response as tears threatened to flow from her eyes. She felt like a complete failure to Anon and Equestria.

As the last pony left the room, Twilight took a moments to compose herself. Her hooves felt like lead as she stood up and made her way out of the chamber. She took deep breaths, trying to calm the storm of emotions within her. She dreaded having to go tell the big goofball the bad news but she knew it would be best to tell him now.

Walking out to into the hall, she expected to find Anon. Instead she was surprised to see a light green earth pony foal with a scruffy black mane and tail sitting in Anon’s spot, squirming and kicking. As she got closer to the foal it was easy to see it was quite in a grumpy mood. Maternal instincts kicking in, she forgot about Anon and walked up to the foal.

“Hey there, sweetie,” she greeted kindly, seeing the foal was trying to rip its diaper off. "Got a dirty diaper, huh? But where's your mother?"

“Oh shut up, Twilight!” the foal snapped, his voice high and squeaky.

Twilight recoiled as if she had been slapped. The foal looked up at her, his eyes narrowed in what she could only interpret as extreme annoyance. This was definitely not normal foal behaviour. “Anon?” she whispered in disbelief.

“No, it’s the muffin man; of course it’s me!” Anon yelled, snapping Twilight back to reality as she stared at the foal that was clearly not a foal.

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Anon? What in the name of Celestia have you done?”

“Me?!” Anon yelled, resuming to try and remove the diaper. “What have I done?! It was your precious sunbutt and her crazy emo sister who can’t take a joke! Now get this diaper off me!"

Twilight facehoofed. “Of course… Well, what did you say to them?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Anon replied, waving his hoof dismissively. “Just get me out of this diaper and change me back!"

Instead of that, Twilight picked Anon up with her magic and brought him up to her eye level. She was at the end of her rope and had had enough of his shenanigans. “I’m not doing anything until you tell me what you said to the princesses that was so bad they turned you into this!”

Anon sighed heavily, his eyes looking everywhere but at hers. “Okay, okay, I may have implied… that… oh, come on, Twilight! You’re really gonna make me say it? You never wanted me to repeat my jokes before! You should be mad that the princesses went and committed foal negligence! Left me here all alone! What if somepony snatched me?"

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “I’m done going easy on you, Anon! You tell me right now or so help me, I’ll drop you off at the nearest daycare center!”

“Ha!” Anon grinned, pointing a dainty hoof in her face. “That’s a bluff! Even pony daycares are only open during the day! Duh!”

Twilight was ready with a backup plan. “In that case I’m sure my mother wouldn’t mind watching you while I go see a movie. Maybe even get a late night donut, too. Been awhile since I spoke to Donut Joe.”

“Another bluff. What kind of weirdo goes to the movies alone?”

“You’re talking to the pony who shamelessly shares her Daring Do fan fiction," Twilight said with a stony look. "Still think I’m bluffing?”

Anon gulped. “Alright, alright, I might, emphasis on might! Have told them their flowing manes looked like giant sperm banks.” Anon chucked a little at his joke despite Twilight’s look of pure venom. “And I may have suggested that their tails looked like they were pumping out baby gravy. But it was just a joke! I didn’t mean anything by it!"

Twilight felt her brain implode. “You... said that… to the PRINCESSES?!”

Anon had the audacity to look surprised. “Well, yeah, but I didn’t think it would turn out like this! I honestly thought they’d at least giggle a bit. Instead they got really mad and made me this way."

Twilight struggle to remind herself it was not princess behaviour to strangle a foal. Even if that foal was the spawn of Discord himself. She slowly brought Anon back to the floor and cut off her hold on him. This was the last thing she needed after what she had just gone through. Did she really try to defend his reckless actions back there? A tear escaped her eye as she sat down and covered her face with her hooves. Was there really no saving him?

“OK, I told you what I said,” Anon pouted. “Now change me back… please?”

Twilight brought her hooves back down to look at Anon. “I don’t have that kind of magic. I can’t just change you back into a human. You’re going to have to wait for the princesses to reverse the spell. And that’s if they ever decide to!”

“What?!” Anon’s eyes widened in panic. “You’re kidding, right? You’re the Element of Magic, you can do anything!”

“Except teach you proper manners, apparently.”

If Anon was upset now, Twilight could only imagine his reaction to finding out he was due to be banished. The bipedal devil was going to be somepony else’s problem now. Then a sudden thought came to her. She studied Anon’s new form, his two legs now had become four. He wasn’t bidpedal anymore. He wasn’t even above her height anymore. And the council was expecting a human to be gone from Equestria. In a way, it just happened sooner than they expected.

A small smile began to form on Twilight’s face. Yeah, I can work with this, she thought to herself. Heck, I can easily deal with him now. This is gonna be a breeze!

“Twilight?” Anon spoke, not liking that smile on Twilight’s face. “What are you thinking about?”

Twilight’s smile grew as she thought how much easier this was going to be from now on. “Oh, nothing,” she replied, levitating him onto her back. “We should be getting home now.”

“What? No!" Anon protested, beating his tiny hooves on Twilight's back. "We got to get the princesses to change me back! Being a foal is gonna be so boring! You find Princess Sun Bum and Moony Booty right now and make them undo this!"

Twilight pretended to think for a moment before replying, “Nah. I think Ponyville will like you better this way. Celestia knows I already do.”

“Twilight! This isn’t funny!” Anon wailed.

Twilight turned her head to face him with a smug smile that spread from ear to ear. “Now you know how the rest of Equestria feels."

Author's Note

Once in my life I went to the movies alone. I worked at Walmart as a cart collector, went around the corner to watch the first Transformers movie. I was usually out in the lot so they didn’t know I was gone. Came back to finish my shift. Easily one of my greatest moments in life.

Also made an FU on the wall of a cart corral using Harry Potter stickers and it took like ten minutes to do and nobody stopped or reported me. It was a time when the world wasn’t so uptight. Good times.