Do You Ever Think About Me?
Rarity wasn't quite sure what she was doing. She wasn't quite sure why she was here. She wasn't quite sure... well, of anything. Agreeing to come back to Canterlot for a New Year's Party with her friends had sounded so much more appealing when she was still in France. Fuck, the only one who actually knew she was going to be there was Pinkie Pie, who had somehow tracked down Rarity's address and sent her an invite. But yet, here she was, stood outside the barn of Sweet Apple Acres. She could see the lights on inside, hear the cheers as Sunset Shimmer began her next song, the angelic voice of her friend sending shivers through her spine. She checked her phone. [10:34]. It mocked her. Scolded her, shamed her. She could've been at some exclusive party in France, hooking up with some guy, or girl, just so she didn't have to remember. So she didn't have to think about her.
But yet, here she was, stood outside her barn. She'd left abruptly, barely telling Fluttershy and Pinkie. Sure, she imagined Sunset, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash would all have their own questions, but she didn't want to imagine what she would say. For fucks sake, Rarity had almost been ready to call her the one. Her knight in shining armour.
And she'd just fucking left her behind.
Like the selfish, entitled brat who didn't care for anyone that she clearly was, just tossed her aside and left without even an explanation. She could only imagine how she'd broken her heart. She didn't even dare think about the fact they'd technically never actually broken up, the fact that all her hookups to forget was just her cheating on the girl who had her heart.
What would her reaction even be? Screaming? Cursing? She'd deserve it, entirely, of course. But what if it wasn't? What if it was tears? Silence? That would just be even worse. Rarity wasn't sure she'd be able to handle that. Now, Rarity Belle was not some kind of emotional wreck. She'd fought her way to the top of the fashion world, well, at least as much as she could as an apprentice, but just the thought of facing Applejack after three and a half years just froze her in place.
"Well, shit."
Rarity's heart jumped to her throat before relaxing just the smallest amount. She recognised the voice, the accent, but it wasn't her.
"Rarity Belle."
She closed her eyes as she turned to face the house.
"Ah didn't think you'd ever have the guts to show up 'ere after ya broke mah big sister's heart."
Apple Bloom had grown. Of course, she'd heard from Sweetie Belle, her own little sister, as the terrible trio of Sweetie, Apple and Scoot had stuck together even when Rarity's own friend group had almost split over her disappearance.
"Fuck, ah didn't think you'd have the guts ta show up at all, given whatcha put ya 'friends' through."
Rarity winced at that, but she supposed she deserved it.
"Apple Bloom, darling, I-"
"Save it," she growled, "Ahm not the one ya need to talk ta."
The small, yellow skinned girl had finally been promoted to her own Stetson, Rarity noted, the fashion designer in her squealing in satisfaction at the way the girls hat fit with the bright red bow in her blonde hair, how that contrasted the blue denim jacket and-
She was getting distracted.
"I just need to know, how are they?"
Apple Bloom scoffed and pinched the bridge of her nose, clearly voicing that she thought Rarity was a coward for asking her instead of asking herself, without opening her mouth. But eventually, she relented, and gestured for Rarity to follow her into the main house instead of the barn. The alabaster fashionista followed greatfully, glad that she didn't have to face Applejack yet.
The main house hadn't changed a bit from how Rarity remembered. The wooden walls still hung photos, the kitchen was still the modern room on the 100 Acre Farm, and the living room still had it's soft carpets and three sofas, as well as Granny Smith's rocking chair. Apple Bloom sank onto one of the sofas, kicking her feet up with a sigh before looking at Rarity through narrowed eyes as she sat. Bloom whistled to herself for a minute, following along with the song Sunset Shimmer played that could just be heard through the walls.
"So-?"
Bloom held up a hand, stopping Rarity in her tracks and letting out a disappointed sigh.
"Dear Celestia, Rarity, you're hopeless."
Rarity couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that, as 'Dear Celestia' was one of Sunset's terms, not of their world. Bloom seemed to notice Rarity's look, and waved a hand at her dismissively.
"Sunset began spendin a lot a time here after ya up an left. Someone had ta help her through it."
The girl readjusted her hat for a moment.
"Right. Who first?"
Rarity thought for a moment at that. Who first? Who did she want to hear about the most?
"Fluttershy."
That wasn't who she really wanted to ask about, and they both knew it.
"When ya left, your group began to split for a while. Ah don't know what was happenin between them, and ah sure as hell don't wanna. Poor Fluttershy had her confidence ruined again when Dash snapped at her one day. Stopped talkin to 'em and joined some gardenin society."
Rarity shifted uncomfortably.
"It turned out alright in tha end, mind ya. Celestia knows how, but Sunset managed to convince that rainbow haired fool to confess."
Bloom's hand shot up again, stopping Rarity from speaking.
"Ah ah ah. You asked, I'm finishin."
Rarity settled nervously back into her seat.
"Sunset."
Apple Bloom let out a low whistle.
"It's a damn near miracle that girl didn't die from exhaustion. Ya know how much work she was puttin in, everywhere, tryin ta make up for your absence? She was the peacekeeper, and she did a hell of a job of it. Ah think without that girl, you wouldn't a had a party to come back ta. Ah suppose the other miracle was Twilight actually convincin her to go to university with her."
Apple Bloom looked up again through narrowed eyes.
"She was distraught, Rarity. They all were. Ah think Sunset somehow thought it was her fault, but tha way she hid it meant none of us could do shit for her." Bloom paused for a moment. "Oh, and she's majoring psychology. Somethin bout becomin a therapist."
She scoffed.
"Not that you truly care, anyway. Otherwise ya would've said somethin 'fore you left."
Rarity took a deep breath to steady herself, the stories tearing small holes into her heart.
"Rainbow-"
"-Applejack, good choice."
"Wait, Apple Bloom-"
"No. We are doin this, and we are doin it now, Rarity Belle. Ya hurt my sister real bad, and now you're avoidin the topic as much as you can by askin bout your other friends, which you also fuckin hurt."
Bloom stood up and made her way to the staircase before jabbing a finger in Rarity's direction.
"Ahm leavin out details from all a those stories, cause ah'll be damned if you don't talk to them yerself. Now, ah'll be right back."
And with that, Rarity was left with her thoughts.
She took the opportunity to cry.
Apple Bloom was back less than five minutes later, small journal grasped in her hands, which she threw at Rarity before sitting back in the chair.
"Thas Applejack's diary. Gift from Sunset. Ya want page 73, orange tab. Open straight to it or ah'll drag ya sorry hide into that barn mahself."
Rarity clasped the journal in both hands. It was a relatively simple affair, leather bound, presumably vegan, as Sunset wouldn't gift normal leather, with an orange bookmark that folded over and tucked into the pages. The front had a simple decoration of a few apples, and the most extravagant part of the book were the simple silver bindings that spread over the corners of the front cover. Rarity hesitated for another moment, tempted to just refuse.
So I'm not quite sure what happened last night. God, I knew the holidays were gonna be bad, but I didn't quite expect waking up in Sunset's bed after being found standing drunk and stoned in the rain bad.
Just blackout drunk.
I don't even like that bar, it's just one of the ones I always called lame.
It's just, I know the reason. Sunset clearly does too, and I love her to bits for it. Poor girl's been everywhere, she's gone to fucking university and still tries to be here for everyone. She's busy. And yet there she was, driving around Canterlot looking for me because I wouldn't answer her call. God only knows what goes through her head sometimes, but I hope she knows she's an angel.
That doesn't change what I did last night. I'm glad Sunset was in a good state of mind, because I don't want to think about where we would've ended up. For fucks sake, I know she's happy with Twilight, and god they deserve it. They're finally happy, which they deserved to be, all along, together. They've been through hell, the both of them, and come out of it, together, stronger.
Did you even know that?
But I still kissed her. She was too shocked to do anything at first, but I'm glad she pushed me away. I think the worst part is I know if Sunset had left me out there I would've woken up in some strangers bed instead.
No, the worst part is how I still felt lonely.
Sunset had gone through the trouble of finding me, getting me in, warm and comfortable. She'd just held me while I cried, and then I fucking kissed her. And I still felt so lonely.
I just.. sometimes.
Is there some kind of reason I can't message you anymore?
You never answered my texts.
Why can't I say that you're the reason I'm still awake?
Why can't I say that I'm terrified that I'll still dream of your face?
Sometimes I just wonder.
Do you think about about me when you're driving?
When you're at some 1975 club with some guys hands on your thighs?
Do you think about me when you're high?
and look, you could've changed your ways when you moved. But the Rarity I knew drank to forget, same as me. The Rarity I knew smoked when the drinking didn't work, same as me.
But then again, the Rarity I knew wouldn't have left.
Do you still find the night pretty? When you just can't fall asleep cause you're trying?
Does everything remind you of that stupid night? When we fell in love?
At a fucking amusement park no less.
Maybe it was some kind of ironic foreshadowing about how our love was just a joke to you.
I just...
Do you ever?
Do you ever think about me?
Did I matter to you at all?
I still hate to fall asleep without you right here next to me.
Some part of me still thinks it was my fault. I know I wasn't what you wanted, wasn't that knight in shining armour.
I wish I could have found some way to be exactly what you need.
I don't want to fall asleep with someone else right next to me.
I wonder how you're doing now?
Maybe someday you'll come back.
I don't know what I'd say.
I don't know what I'd do.
I know I want you to, but..
I just
Do you ever think about me?
Did you ever think about me?
Even once?
Apple Bloom's sharp expression, Rarity noticed, didn't falter, even when she began to cry again before Applejack's journal even asked any questions. Some part of her knew she must look terrible, ugly crying as she was on the couch. She missed Applejack with every fiber of her soul, hated the way she was still able to call her out perfectly about two years after she'd left. Because Rarity had drank that same Christmas. Had smoked. Had tried to spend it in someone else's bed, but failed when all she could think about was Applejack.
"Hey, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo's-"
Twilight Sparkle froze in place, a hand flying to her mouth.
"Holy shit."
Apple Bloom nodded.
"Exactly what ah said."
"Rarity? Is that really you?"
"Twilight, darling, I- I-"
Rarity felt as much as saw Twilight sit down next to her, wrapping her arms around for the tightest hug Rarity had felt in years. The tears flowed fresh once more.
"We missed you."
Rarity couldn't say anything, just clutched vainly at the back of Twilight's jacket, which, given the leather, was surely actually Sunset's. Eventually though, Rarity recovered enough to choke out some words.
"Y- You, you're n- not, not ang- angry?"
Twilight shook her head into Rarity's shoulder.
"Maybe at first, just a little. But now? I don't think any of us could be."
"E- even-?"
"Especially Applejack."
Rarity sobbed again, pulling Twilight tighter as she buried herself further into the genius' shoulder. They sat that way for a while, and when Rarity lifted her head again, Apple Bloom and the journal were gone.
"I just wish you would've at least tried to stay in contact. You missed so much."
"You an- and Sunset."
"Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash."
Rarity shut her eyes again as if she could squeeze away the tears.
"I- I'm so, so sorry."
Twilight only nodded and patted Rarity's back reassuringly.
"I know," she paused, "but now you need to talk to her."
Rarity shivered despite herself, but then stood up.
"Okay."
Twilight grasped Rarity's hand and led her over to the barn before directing her to stay outside, then she slipped in. Soon after, Applejack stepped out with a somewhat confused, somewhat annoyed expression on her face. Rarity felt her breath catch.
Applejack wore her Stetson, as always, hiding most of her shining golden blonde hair that hung down to her upper back. She had on a pair of those silly new year glasses, but they worked with Applejack by highlighting the freckles that crossed her sun-kissed face. Like Apple Bloom, she wore a denim jacket, but underneath she had on a red dress with a skirt that stopped just short of her knees. She felt her heart rate skyrocket, felt like she could just explode.
"A-Applejack?"
The farm girl stopped. Turned. Rested her eyes on Rarity, flicking through emotions.
Disbelief. Anger. Happiness. Confusion.
"Rarity?"
Her voice was a whisper.
"Rarity Belle?"
She nodded.
"My stars, sugarcube."
Applejack took a step towards her, then another.
"Applejack, I- I'm sorry. I was wrong, so wrong, to just leave without saying anything. Without messaging at all, without telling any of you I changed my number. I was wrong, I was cruel, Heartless. You don't have to forgive me, I don't expect you to. I just, I just, I'm sorry. I couldn't not stop by one more time to say it."
She took a deep breath, felt her eyes close.
"I love you, Applejack. That entire time, the only person I could think about was you. While I was high, while I was driving, at a party, whatever. I missed you, so much, and-"
She was cut off as a hand rested on her cheek, eyes opening once more to find Applejack's own emerald, gazing at her with a million different emotions held in them.
Then she felt their lips meet, felt them both melt back into each other. Felt how right it was.
She opened her mouth to let the farmgirl in further, and she accepted, felt their tongues explore the changes of Three and a half years. They pulled apart, and stared at each other for a moment, the need for oxygen overriding any other desire.
"That was all ya had ta say, sugarcube."
Author's Note
[Note copied from Archive]
AAAAAA okay I actually love them nvm
Well, not nvm, I never didn't love them?
It's just I've always thought it was hard to write Rarijack but GOD BLESS MIDNIGHT INSPIRATION and I'm not even religious
So yeah, basically I made myself a wreck, as per usual. This fic was driven by the song Do U Think About Me? By Lahar. Great song, love it, several lyrics are referenced in here.
Otherwise, I promise, I'm working on Dying Rays. It's coming.
I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I LOVE YOU ALL GOODNIGHTTTTTTTT <3
(don't forget to go to sleep.)