Glorified

The week went by with things pretty much remaining the same, with slight improvements as the days passed. Them eating better and focusing more on very specific little things with each member showed marginal improvements, but when we actually tried to run a mock 300 as a whole on Friday, not everypony finished it, and even I was gasping for air by the time I made my last lap. It was more about surviving than actually winning the race, even though I ended up finishing first anyways.

It was me, Raptor, Trade Wind, Pigeonhole, Monsoon, and Ryusei that managed to finish the 300. The rest either passed out or puked after 250, and the times were abysmal for just about everyone but me. Mine and Raptor’s times were competitive, but not winning times, which, as far as Captain Spitfire is concerned, is unacceptable. Next week was going to be very intense endurance training for all of us, and it was not going to be fun.

I talked to Fallacy on Wednesday about what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be there: all my friends that graduated before me who I haven’t seen in a while, and my regular friend group, along with my little brother and whoever he wanted to bring. In theory that meant I’d have to deal with Cotton, but I felt like it would be better to just spend some time with the guy anyways since we'll be brothers-in-law by the end of the week.

None of us are actually old enough to legally be drinking so that was kind of out the window. Going to the mall would be aimless, and we’d probably split up at some point. About half of us play card games, and I’m part of the half that doesn’t. When it came down to it, there wasn’t a whole lot we could all enjoy together until Fallacy thought of something and said he’d get back to me later.

Since I was utterly drained Friday night, I ended up staying in my room at the barracks and planned to fly back to Ponyville early in the morning. Knowing all too well what was waiting for me Sunday night, I’d gotten the okay to take the day off on Monday.

I spent a lot of time thinking about that conversation we had at lunch on Monday. With the marriage and how we usually are around each other, foals are inevitable. Significantly more than Trade Wind, Cheesette wants foals, to be a mom, all that. That’s her childhood dream. I want to be there for them and support them, but it’s slowly dawned on me just how much this kind of thing costs.

I already make more money than I could’ve imagined, and ponies like Siccoro grew up with less in bigger families, so there’s got to be a way to do this with a little, but I don’t really understand how any of it works. She’s better with the math and the money so maybe Cheesette can handle that, but would it be fair for me to just… provide the money and nothing else?

I don’t want to end up like Grandpa Hang, that much is sure. I think he did just provide the money, and that’s why he got into fights with Dad and Sweet Wing. Like Cheesette was saying Saturday, technically, anypony could just provide money. Being there, actually teaching and raising the kids is what really makes a dad, but would I end up like Trade Wind’s father and give up ten years or more of their lives just to set us up? Is that fair to them?

I wanted to discuss this with Dad, but didn’t end up getting a chance. As soon as Saturday morning arrived, it was party time.

I revived from the dead to find Fallacy sitting at my desk with a laptop… in my barracks room.

“Hey, buddy!”

I thought about laying back down as this was about as normal as Mom yelling at me to get up in the mornings, but figured that him being here meant it was already go-time. At least I wouldn’t have to fly all the way home.

“Hey, Fal. What time is it?”

He clapped his hooves and a floating digital display appeared in front of me reading ‘7:00AM, Bachelor Party day.’

“Right.” I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and got out of bed. “Can I take a shower or…?”

“You can bathe.” He said it with a smile, but if I know my Fallacy, he’s deliberately withholding information from me.

“What am I in for?”

“You’ll find out!”

I really don’t like not knowing what we’re going to do. There was once a sleepover where Fal decided that it would be more fun if we were ‘in’ the anime we were watching. This of course transported us into a town full of crazy people that get worked up into insanity from paranoia and then they start killing each other. I was quite literally beaten to death while we were ‘participating’ in the show and woke up with magic overload sickness on his family’s couch while Uncle Discord slapped him around for being irresponsible with his magic.

“Okay, man.”

He went back to his computer, and I took a quick shower, more to wake up than to be clean. Teeth brushed, mane combed and eyes open, I stepped back into my room and said, “I’m ready.”

“Then let the bachelor party begin!” He clapped and all at once, we were inside a wooden building somewhere. It was almost like a log cabin you’d see on a ski tour advertisement. Velvet curtains covered the windows letting zero light in, the faint smell of tobacco floated in the air, there were a couple plush chairs and a big couch set up in front of a rug and a projector screen, and there was a bar in the back with alcohols of all kinds, but most notably, Sweet Apple Acres Apple Liqueur.

“Dude, where are we?”

From behind a door by the bar, Stout walked out in his bartender suit. “Just Pa and Whiskey’s little hideaway barn.”

I hadn’t seen him in a while, so I caught up with him and gave him a hug. “Hey, dude, how’s it been?”

He let out a breath. “Let’s keep this about y’all, alright? My life’s been a mess lately.”

I straightened my lips. “Pearl?”

He rubbed at his forehead. “It’s more than her, but yeah.”

“Say no more.”

“Thanks, bud. How’s yer life been?”

For about the next half hour, I told Stout about everything that has been going on. He says his life has been a mess, and with Pearl involved, it probably is, but I’ve had my own share of it lately too.

Nodding along, my old friend said, “Yep, sounds like that sucks a lot, bud. At least you’re about ta have a good weekend.”

I leaned in and whispered, “Do you have any idea what he planned for today?”

Stout smiled. “Ah sure do.”

“Damn it.”

Fallacy’s foreleg appeared around my shoulder. “Relax, enjoy the moment! The surprise absolutely cannot be ruined, you know.”

Stout checked his watch. “Speaking of, my brother should be here any minute now…”

Heavy hooves came from outside and Cider walked in with a huge cooler rolling behind him. “You packed a lotta crap in here.”

Fallacy got up from the couch and took the cooler from him. “It is all necessary. You’ll never forget today, Prism. Father is helping me with this one. You aren’t even remotely prepared for what we’re doing once everyone’s here.”

I’m pretty sure I should be worried, but since Uncle Discord is at least going to be here to supervise, it should be fine. “If you say so, Fal.”

“Bah, don’t be such a worry wart, bud,” Cider said, patting my back. “How’ve ya been? Been a while since ya were on the orchard.”

“It’s been alright. Ups and downs. I just gave Stout the long version, but if we’re expecting a lot more ponies, I think I’ll wait before I give the story again.”

The twins looked at each other, then Fal. “Who else is coming?” they asked in unison.

He made a magic glove raise its fingers. “One pegasus, another earth pony, my father, and a special guest.”

I lowered my brows at the hybrid. “Special guest?” I could guess that he meant Haze and Cotton, but who on earth could be a special guest? Unless it’s one of our dads, I couldn’t think of anypony else we’d really invite to a party like this.

Fallacy smiled a toothy grin.

I turned to Stout, but he shook his head. “You guys don’t know either?”

Cider also shook his head. “No, sir. Stout at least knows somethin’, Ah don’t know shit.”

The clean-shaven twin tilted his head. “Well, Ah thought Ah knew somethin’. Is this somethin’ that came up after you told me about today?”

Slowly, Fallacy nodded. “It is. Father actually invited her. I was only informed about it yesterday, but I do believe it will be great fun all the same.”

Now I was even more confused. “What kind of mare would Uncle Discord invite to a bachelor party? Does that not kinda ruin the point?”

“You’re about to get married and you’re complaining about having a girl at the party?”

I pressed my hooves together. “Dude, you know Cheesette. Lives are at stake if this is, like, some kinda hoe.”

Fallacy covered his mouth to smother a giggle. “She would be very upset if she knew you said that. But not to worry, this special guest is… not somepony so lowly as a whore." Then he shivered. “Besides, I do know Cheesette and if I were even mentioned as an enabler of some tomfoolery, I too would be slain.”

Stout raised his brows, then set out a series of shot glasses. “I like how we’re casually talkin’ about how your girl would literally kill us if we in some way abetted in you cheating on her.”

Cotton opened the cabin door and flew in. “I heard killing and cheating, are we talking about my family?”

Fallacy popped from one place to another like a balloon and wrapped his forelegs around the white stallion’s neck. “Cotton, you’re here!”

“I am here!” He hugged Fallacy back, then quickly separated himself. “Haze was just behind me…” He checked outside the cabin, but then came back quickly. “I don’t know if I lost him or if he stopped to talk to somepony.”

Cider waved him away. “Haze knows his way around the orchard, he ought ta know where we are.”

Then Cotton shook his springy pink mane. “It’s still crazy to me that he started driving and working here since I moved to Las Pegasus. I feel like he’s twice as big since I moved.”

I chuckled. “You sound more like his big brother and I ever do.”

Locking eyes on me, Cotton approached and held a hoof out. “Well, he’s my little buddy, ya see. How’s it going… brother?”

The word was like an assault. I blinked the blow away. “Oh, man, that’s… that’s gonna take some getting used to.”

I took the hoof, and he brought me in for a hug. “No time like the present, huh?”

“Guess not.” I reciprocated, and he pretty much threw me off afterward. “Haze hasn’t made it, but it’s just him we’re waiting on, right? What are we doing, Fal?”

The hybrid frowned. “I can’t spoil the surprise, but Father will be the one doing most of the heavy lifting anyway, so I won’t be able to do anything until he and our special guest get here later. For the moment, I have attached a game console to the projector and I have a kart racing game, or that party fighting game that everyone seems to like. Miss Applejack said she would provide breakfast which should be at about nine, and Father said he would be here no later than ten.”

Cotton lowered his brows. “Can we play the racing game with the six of us on one device? I know the fighting game will work, but I’m not very practiced at that, and I don’t want Haze beating me.”

Fallacy frowned. “No, I’d have to use magic to get us to more than four, and Father said it would be best if I conserved myself for the event later. If either of the twins or your siblings would be willing to lend us their Kirifuda consoles it could work, but we’d also need duplicates of the games.”

The twins put their heads together, literally. “Ah think Draft and Craft both have one of those things,” began the shaggy one

“But they’re awful possessive and off the clock today,” the clean one finished.

Cotton sighed. “I’m not above stealing electronics from children, but that seems like too much of a hassle.”

The twins looked to each other, then to Cotton. “I don’t know. That’d be a challenge, even fer y’all,” Stout said.

“Craft is crafty, she’d probably outsmart ya. Draft would cry ta Ma, and she’d kill ya,” Cider said.

“Hot,” Cotton declared, to the disgust of the brothers. He hopped and flitted down to the couch in front of the projector. “As exciting as being beaten up by your mom sounds, if I don’t look pretty for pictures tomorrow, my mom will also beat me up, and I think both of my parents would take turns killing me in the event I ruined Cheesy’s big party.”

Fallacy balanced on his tail and played with his lip. “And here I thought my family was crazy.”

I waited for Uncle Discord to rebuke that. We all did. But after a few seconds, the rebuke never came. “I can’t believe he didn’t respond to that.”

Fallacy checked his phone. “Oh, no, he did, but he says he’s still busy with preparations.”

Then Haze trotted in through the door, carrying a tray of drink pitchers with him. “The boss said to bring these with me.”

Cider nodded. “Alright, that makes sense. If Ma’d been done with ‘em, she would’ve made me do it.” He pointed a hoof at Cotton. “Speaking of, yer lucky Ah don’t kick yer ass, punk. Don’t care what you’re inta, don’t be talkin about Ma like that.”

Haze sullenly took the pitchers to the bar and set them up next to some plastic disposable cups. “You… you guys have no idea.”

Wings and ears standing on end, Cotton whipped around the couch to cower before my little brother. “H-Haze, buddy, please. Mutually assured destruction, you remember?”

My brother gave him the most deadpan look. “Dude, you've got nothing on me. Besides, I’m not gonna do that to you.”

The other white pegasus sighed and sank back into the couch. “I could find something, probably.”

Haze moved around the couch and sat next to him. “Nah, Dad caught me wackin’ it once. There’s, like, no level I can sink to anymore. But I can drag you down plenty.”

“Haze, that’s awful,” I said, chuckling and coming to sit down next to him.

The dead look in his eyes said it all. “It was awful. Dad told me if he caught me doing it again, he’d put Mom’s Wonderbolt calendar up in my room. I am much more careful about it now.”

I threw up a little in my mouth. There is only one reason Dad still has Mom’s calendar. It’s gotta be over two decades old and it’s probably… musty… “Ick.”

Fallacy floated over the three of us on the back of the couch. “Goddess among us, how horrifying! I didn’t know Mister Soarin was capable of such cruelty.”

I covered my face. “They’re making me do a calendar in August. I’m actually gonna blow my brains out.”

It took a minute for my friends to process that. Stout was the first to make a sound, a terrible sound at that. Giggling, he said, “D-does that mean Ah can… Ah can buy a sexy Prism calendar come September?”

It was like being stabbed in the back. “Please don’t.”

He came around and squeezed himself next to me. “Oh, but Ah’ve gotta support my buddy, don’t Ah? Ah’ll hang it up at the bar and tell the winged folk ta go see yer shows!”

“Ahhh, why in the name of the Goddess would you say that?”

“‘Cause yer pain brings me joy, buddy. Ah thought we’d been friends long enough ta establish this.”

“Fal, your guest list sucks!”

He shrugged. “Sorry, they came with the room.”

“Can we play a game now or what? This conversation needs to end!”

“As much as Ah would love ta discuss all the fun places we could put up a—” Cider smothered a laugh “—sexy Prism calendar, Ah’d also like ta play somethin’. Wind down before Fallacy puts us through whatever twisted game he’s come up with.” He filled the last of the space on the couch next to Cotton.

With a clap of his hooves, Fallacy made controllers appear in everypony’s laps. The lights dimmed, the curtains were drawn, the projector turned on, and the game screen appeared on the wall in front of us. “I believe you’re right. Oh, and quick question for everypony: nopony here gets motion sick in any way, do they?”

We all shook our heads slowly before Cider asked, “Ah don’t think so, and Ah hesitate ta ask, but why?”

“Well, you’ll figure it out. Anyways, let’s play.”

Fal remained unresponsive during the games, so eventually, we stopped asking. Haze was better than the rest of us at this and it took most of our combined power to defeat him. We did some team battles which also came down to who was fighting with Haze, and after half an hour of that, we were all about tired of getting beaten by my little brother who was also getting tired of beating us.

‘The boss’ arrived with a hotel suite of breakfast for us: cheese egg and jalapeño burritos, a pan of hay-bacon, hot sauce and pico de gallo, apple fritters, and maple syrup. She gave me her quick congratulations, but needed to get back to work. My little party was only the beginning of all the cooking she’d be doing this week as Miss Pinkie had commandeered the cafeteria kitchen. There would be cakes, confections, meals and pies galore tomorrow, and she’d started on it all much earlier in the week.

During breakfast, I relayed the story to the rest of the group. I couldn’t really gauge Cotton well, but the others were somewhat sympathetic. Stout told me to wipe my tears with my bits. As much as I was feeling that at the moment, it didn’t make me feel much better. The hard trials are still ahead, and I’m wondering if the money is actually going to make it all worth the mental toll it’s already taking. The anticipation is almost worse than the moment.

“How’s life been out in Las Pegasus, Cotton?” Stout asked. “I haven’t heard much since ya moved.”

The other white pegasus rubbed his hooves together. “It has been challenging, but not… fruitless.”

“Oh?” Fallacy swam closer. “And what misdeeds have earned you ill-gotten gains now?”

“You all know that I work as a dealer at a casino right now, right?”

Haze rolled his eyes. “When you’re not at school working on that ‘math’ degree, right?”

Cotton tapped his lips. “I’m actually an accounting major, that’s been kinda fun. Equestrian tax law is a shitshow if you know how to read it. Accounting is mostly learning that and the math to go with it. When I’m accredited, you guys should hire me. I’m already getting Mom and Dad’s taxes ready for next year, and they aren’t gonna know what to do with themselves once I squeeze the government for all it’s worth.”

I covered my mouth. “What? Using your evil powers for good? Who are you?”

He slapped his thigh with a big smile. “Good? No, no, I’m simply New Management. Now, the casino, on the other hoof, is something like a vice grip made of blackmail. Everypony knows everypony is cheating and the only reason anypony gets away with anything is because they pay the local government a hefty ‘look away’ fee. To get in on this cheating myself, I’ve developed a system with a few of my accounting buddies from class.”

“Accountin’ buddies?” Cider shot. “‘New Management’ seems ta be a hell of a lot better at makin’ friends than our Cotton ever was.”

The pegasus held a hoof up. “‘Friends’ is a strong word. Business acquaintances at best.”

“Right, right. Ah forget, we’re tier-two friends, Prism’s a tier-three friend, and Haze is the only one ya consider a real friend. Took us all a year of hangin’ out together fer Prism ta even earn that category.”

Cotton robbed his chin. “You would all get the f-word from me, but… well, yes, I do believe that sums it up.” He stared at me and considered me with his cold blue eyes. Nodding to confirm something, he went on. “Prism can be a tier-two friend now for marrying my sister. I would tell you to take good care of her, but I know all too well that you must survive her more than anything. It was I who called her ‘hoodrat’ in the first place, since she likes a certain kind of… cheese.”

That would be horrifying to hear… if I hadn’t already learned. I took a sharp breath. “I… definitely know better than you do.”

His pink brows shot up. “Son of a bitch, you already did it, didn’t you!? How are you still alive? I figured Dad would’ve sniffed you out by now.”

They all stared at me. I taped my hoof tips together. “We didn’t go… all the way.”

Cotton nodded slowly. “Mmhmm, I see, I see… That would explain all her ‘good juice’ comments from this week’s streams.”

Haze covered his face. “Bruh.”

A big smile on his face, Cider elbowed me. “Oh yeah? How was it?”

I looked up, thinking about Saturday evening. “I don’t have the words to tell you—but, like the best flier’s high I’ve ever gotten, the one I’ve been chasing since I entered high school, nothing will ever be as good until I get it again. But this wasn’t… it wasn’t even the final stage.”

Awe spread through most of the group save Stout. Without saying anything, he just seemed to understand what I meant. Life must’ve changed a lot for him after he moved out of the orchard.

My little brother sighed. “Man, I want a girlfriend.”

Fallacy patted his shoulder from the other side of the bar. “Well, you ought to find one while you’re still in high school. It’s… much more difficult to meet ponies outside of it.”

“Is that right?” Cotton asked. “I haven’t heard much either. What have you three been up to?”

Fallacy leaned against the bar and put a hoof on his cheek. “I’ve been looking at schools and jobs, but when a majority of ponies meet me they kind of freak out and don’t know what to do. Father has taught me to mask my appearance and I have a more ‘normal’ form I can take when applying, but it’s difficult to work like that without the centuries of practice doing it father has. I’m not a changeling after all, I can’t just do that whenever. I don’t have Father’s eons of practice with this unwieldy magic of ours either. I would do streaming, but I’m also a male, which is the biggest debuff, and I’m not particularly charismatic either. Mother is allowing me to take a few years to practice living masked but that just sounds awful to me.”

Cotton raised a feather “First, I want to see ‘normal’ Fallacy.”

Usually, Fallacy is like a more uniform version of his father with more pony parts and less… others. His coat is gray on his torso and turns into a butter cream yellow when it hits his front shoulders, going all the way down to his forelegs. His body is mostly pony with some of that snake-like anatomy his siblings have that makes his torso longer than most ponies. His hind legs are pale red and scaled, being more like a dragon’s, and his tail was the same way. His mane is black and cut to a medium length, splitting to either side of his face around his ‘horn’ which is a lot more like a single antler. His teeth are somewhere between pony and ‘carnivore’ as he has fangs. He’s the luckier of his siblings as all his teeth actually fit in his mouth.

After clapping his hooves however, he shrank a bit and just looked like his mother as a unicorn, with his father’s face in the genetic sort of way and not literally. You could see he’d modeled himself after the historical figure Dark Canter since that is literally who his father was at one point. Of course, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one of this group other than him who actually knew that.

“I feel like I would still know this was you even if you just sprang it on me randomly one day.”

Fallacy put a hoof around me. “Thanks, buddy.”

Stout grabbed his face and looked him over. “You could probably get away with streaming like this. Ah think the mares would go fer it.”

Irritated, Fallacy threw his hoof off and let go of the transformation. “But that isn’t me!” Back to normal, he crossed his forelegs. “I was born like this. I don’t want to pretend to be someone else for someone else’s sake.”

“Any reason ya haven’t seen the Princess about this yet?” Cider asked.

Fallacy sighed. “That is… my last resort. I’d like to earn something myself. I’ve given myself a time limit of until the end of next year. If I can’t find something by then, I’ll give into nepotism. It feels bad, but it would be worse to feel useless. I have my own merits. I don’t need my parents to make other ponies see that.”

“Other ponies would be jealous of what you have.” Cotton remarked.

“Other ponies are losers! Envy is for the worthless. I make my own destiny, and so does everyone else.”

“As a recipient of said nepotism,” Cider began, “Maybe ya ought ta consider bein' born in the place and around the ponies ya were as part of ‘yer merits,’ huh? Sure, Ah could go off and work somewhere else usin’ my brewin talent like Stout did, but I’m perfectly fine right here at home doin’ it too. Fer that matter, my family’s talents are usually fer orchards and orchard-related things. We’ve always been here, we’ve always done this stuff, and that’s its own way, ya know? Just because the path was laid out by the last pony ta walk it doesn’t mean it ain’t yer path too.”

Stout eyed his twin. “You’ve been spendin’ too much time with Ma.”

Cider nodded slowly. “Ah spend a lot of time with Ma. This exact line of thought may have come up in conversation before.”

“About when Ah moved?”

“About when ya moved.”

Haze raised a hoof. “Well, it’s not as if you’re just wasting time, right? Learning how to do interviews and how ponies react to you is a thing too.”

Fallacy turned to stone.

Cider poked the rock. “Ya… ya are doin’ more than just playing games with everypony all day, right?”

The stone hybrid turned at the neck, looking away.

Cotton took a breath. “So, what have you been up to, mister underage brewer?”

“Gettin’ drunk off my ass, that’s what. Gotta taste everythin’ Ah make, and ta be honest? Ah don’t really like drinkin’.”

“You don’t?” Stout asked, more surprised than anyone.

“Ah don’t. Hangovers suck. Ah got work ta do in the mornings. Barrels ta clean, bottles ta fill, cider and liquor ta deliver. Gotta meet ponies and talk about regular deliveries, work out deals, make offers, keep an eye on the market, see what other ponies are buyin’ and sellin'. We’ve got a ‘name brand’ here, but that don’t mean we don’t have ta play the game. Product still has ta be good. Hard ta believe Ma and Uncle Mac used ta do all this shit on their own. Ah figured out why we grow cumin and tumeric, by the way.”

“You did?”

Cider nodded. “Ground and powdered, if ya take it before ya drink, it absorbs some of the alcohol, makes the next mornin’ easier. Ah’m on a steady diet of the shit now.”

Stout narrowed his eyes. “She’s crafty, ain’t she? Lied about havin’ a strong stomach and there’s been a trick ta it the whole time…”

Cider shrugged. “Ma? Nah, Ah think she’s got both. We just got Pa’s genes.”

“Busy every day, huh?” Cotton said.

“Busy every day. Ah probably work more than’s legal, but Ah like it. Since Ah live here, it’s hard ta not think about things all the time and go experiment if Ah get an idea. This is what Ah’m supposed ta do, and it sure feels like it.”

“How are ya gonna meet somepony like that?” Cotton asked. “Are you just going to be, like, a spirits monk or something?”

Cider chuckled. “A spirits monk. Nah, after Ah’m legal, Ma wants me ta go out and apprentice at other breweries. Ah technically shouldn’t be workin’ the way Ah am, but since this is private property that my family owns, Ah get ta work here. Ah’d probably be doin’ some miserable retail job or goin’ ta college fer fuck all otherwise.”

“Oh? Like what kind of breweries? Are they different? I really don’t know much about this subject.”

“Everypony has their own way ta do things, and she wants me ta go see how it’s done. Ma wants ta expand this side of the business and havin’ me shop around fer techniques ta bring back home serves her and the farm and gives me more experiences ta see the wider world. Not sure what she has planned though. Could be tours of a few places or she could literally ship me off somewhere ta work fer a year.”

“You’re really letting your mother take the wheel, huh?” Fallacy, who had unpetrified, commented.

Cider threw a hoof out. “Ah don’t see why not. Ain’t like Ah’m still suckin’ on her teats like Draft is. She’s got an idea fer a path fer me, and Ah can’t see a reason not ta take it. If she didn’t already have it in mind, Ah’d probably figure out a way ta do it myself. Ah’m workin’ now ta save up money, and Ah’m gonna go see the world in a couple years. Sounds pretty normal ta me.”

Cotton smothered a smile, but the twins still gave him a look that could kill.

“So, how about it, Stout?” I asked. “Lots of drama with the new job?”

Stout licked his teeth. “That’s a good word fer it, sure.” He scratched his mane. “Ah’ve learned a lot. Bout myself, other ponies. Haven’t figured much out yet, but there’s been a few… experiences here and there.”

Cotton raised a brow. “Like what?”

“Ya haven’t heard much. Ah ain’t tellin’ much.”

Cotton held his hooves up. “Oh, alright then, keep your secrets. We’re only your twin brother and closest friends.”

Stout snorted. “Says the tier-two friend.”

The other pegasus zoomed in on that. “My, my, are these deep life-changing secrets? Those are the only ones withheld from tier-two friends.”

Pained, Stout didn’t look like he knew how to answer that. He’d probably said too much already.

Cider put a hoof on his shoulder. “Ya good, buddy?”

Stout brushed him away. “This ain’t the time or the place.” He turned to Fallacy. “Where’s yer Pa? It’s about ten ain’t it?”

“Yes, it certainly is, isn’t it?”

The disembodied voice of Uncle Discord resounded in the cabin. Dark clouds formed and swirled around the ceiling of the cabin as the lights dimmed and flickered. Spotlights appeared on the projector screen against the wall and a crack made of strange pink light broke into the world. With a loud boom and a cover of smoke, the elder draconequus stepped into the cabin.

Fallacy clapped his hooves in delight. “Father!”

Uncle Discord ran his lion’s paw through Fallacy’s mane. “Yes, yes, I have arrived.” Then, irritated, he crossed his forelegs. “However, our guest commander is not quite finished with her business, so we will be waiting for a few more moments. Of all the times for her to be unpunctual…”

My ear twitched. “Commander? What are we doing, Uncle Discord?”

The ancient stallion smiled something evil. He snapped his claw, and appeared behind the bar in the uniform of the bad guys from the original Roboknights series. A gold filigree emblem across his chest, gold capped shoulders, a red collar and cuffs with more gold filigree, a black jumpsuit, and gray boots.

I gasped. “No way!”

He nodded slowly. “Oh, yes. Fallacy came to me with a request for something grand, and I rather liked the idea. However, war has changed quite a bit since I was last involved with it, and the same can be said for our late guest as well. In the future, I believe it will change quite drastically again. So, with the help of Fallacy’s imagination and my magic, we’ll enter an idea of the future in which you, our dear groom to be, get to live out one of your most treasured fantasies.”

I couldn’t clench my hooves any harder. “We’re gonna ride Roboknights!?”

A bright flash of golden light filled the cabin. “Alright, alright, I am here, would you please stop the ringing?”

The mare behind us was one I’d only ever seen a few times in my life, and a lot of those had been on TV. Equestria has a system of government surrounding three pillars: a council of representatives who make laws based on their population, a council of representatives who approve those laws based on their locality, and a series of courts who assess that law based on cases which set or revoke laws. The highest authority in the land is that of the Princesses’s Court, over which only four mares may preside, and even within them, there is a hierarchy. The one true matriarch of Equestria, Princess Celestia, had arrived in the cabin.

Uncle Discord snapped. “So it is done.”

The enormous alicorn frowned at him, then observed our gaping faces, leaned down and smiled. “Good morning, my little ponies.”

Stout was the first to snap out of the trance. “Uh, good morning, Your Majesty! How can we serve you today?” He’d suddenly lost his accent…

She straightened back up and eyed Uncle Discord suspiciously. “That depends on what—” she looked at his outfit “—the old aristocrat has planned for today. I was simply told that I ‘must come’ to assist with a young Wonderbolt’s wedding.” She singled me out and put a big slender hoof on my shoulder. “Congratulations, by the by.”

“Thanks!” I didn’t particularly know what else to say. Princess Twilight is sort of a regular fixture in my life. She’s always at the castle and we see her at least twice a year. I met Princess Cadence once when she and her husband, Twilight’s older brother, came to visit for Hearth’s Warming one year. They have a daughter who’s a pegasus about Whiskey’s age, but I never really talked to her since we were at the ‘disassociate from girls’ age of colthood. The other two Princesses on the other hoof, I’ve never met.

The age of celebrity has long ended and ponies like Grandma Downy’s favorite pop star who turned out to be a pedophile, Thriller, just don’t exist anymore. Equestria’s Matriarch, however, still has that kind of fame. I can’t say I’d ever been starstruck before, but this was definitely it. There was something magical about her in a way that only Uncle Discord ever shows off, and he does it just to screw with ponies. Everything about her was kinda ‘glowy’ and warm like a summer sunrise. Her mane was like hair in the way it was shaped and how it shined in the light, but it was also like a gas that drifted like smoke in a wind that clearly wasn’t there. She had a literal, visible shounen anime kind of aura that faintly glowed off her whole body that doesn’t seem to be there in pictures. I’ve always thought she and her younger sister were just extremely photogenic, which might be true, but it’s kinda easy to be when the lighting on you is always perfect.

She took a seat on the arm of the couch and crossed her forelegs. “What exactly have I signed up for, Discord?”

He crossed his forelegs and began walking around the bar. “Have you ever heard of an Umanese property by the name of Roboknights?”

She lowered her brows. “The giant war robot series, no? There’s a one-to-one scale model of one in a few places in Uma. The ambassador took me to see it last I was there a few years ago.”

Discord smiled wide, then clapped his forelegs. In a puff of smoke, he, the Princess, and Fallacy had all become ‘normal’ ponies. For himself, he’d kept the uniform, but had resized it to match his new unicorn form in which he was a dark gray stallion with green eyes and a stark black mane slicked back on his head.

It occurred to me at this moment that he had taken his original form, and he’d invited… Princess Celestia… to play a war game. From what little I remember of history, before the Princesses came to power, Dark Canter was involved in a war with soldiers against… somepony, and then fought against the Princesses after his first resurrection as Discord, and again the second time when he was caught and finally subdued by our moms. I thought bringing up Dark Canter around Princess Celestia was something he wanted to avoid, not instigate.

The pony that had been Princess Celestia, a tan pegasus with a blond mane that had a blue streak and a braid to one side, looked at the dark stallion with a deep-rooted hatred. Fallacy had caught her eye however. She looked at him, fell into a deep pool of sadness, then relaxed. “Are you intentionally trying to piss me off, Discord?”

Uncle Discord shrugged. “A little bit. You see, after watching so many of these shows with Fallacy this week, I felt that we really ought to simulate what a war with these machines might be like. I needed someone capable of truly hating me and leadership at the head of the opposition army. I’d considered Twilight, but we’ve become a bit too buddy-buddy for her to really fight a war against me. In this game, provided you and your pilots here are capable enough, you may even get the satisfaction of killing me a few times.”

Wait, what?

A smirk curled up the Princess’s lip. “Really? I get the opportunity to fell Dark Canter with my own two hooves? Look you in the eyes as I sink the blade in?”

Uncle Discord smiled maliciously back. “But of course. All is fair in love and war… provided you can keep up.”

An equally dark smile overtook the pegasus mare. “Very well then. What are the rules of this game?”

Discord’s claw broke out of his hoof and he snapped. The projector screen had become a hologram and displayed a pair of battleships on either end of an asteroid field. “We each have one battleship undercover, three battalions, and one ace unit comprising three of our six strapping young stallions here. The aces will have advanced weaponry compared to the battalions, and you’ll have less direct control over them. The goal is to capture or kill the enemy commander. If all your ace units fall, you lose on account of the technology difference. We have eight hours, so we can play the game until dinner time.”

The princess inspected each of our faces. “Do I get to pick my aces?”

Uncle Discord shook his head. “No, the aces are assigned randomly each round.”

“Question!” I raised a hoof.

“Yes, mister groom.”

“Do we get to choose the Roboknights? What universe is the technology based on?”

Uncle Discord snapped again, and six Roboknights that looked to be a mishmash of several different ones appeared on the screen. “In the spirit of fairness, there will be three identically specced knights on each team. Fallacy showed me some of your design documents, so these custom machines are based on your ideas. The pilot system comes from a mixture of the shows in a form I believe easiest to use. The hand-to-hand combat series style controls will make the machine move like your body, and you will of course have to operate any tools your machine has by voice command or physical action. When you and your team load in, you may decide amongst yourselves which of the three knights you wish to use. Your commander may also choose a custom for you in the event you can’t decide amongst yourselves or we see a particular leaning for your skills.”

“How about magic?” the Princess asked.

“Like in many of the series, magic doesn’t reach the same power as the suits and does not do much outside of infantry warfare. Within regular pony limits, it’s allowed.”

Satisfied with that, she nodded. “Very well then.” She turned and addressed us: “Boys, I may not know you all very well, and this is my first time meeting a few of you, but I’ll let you know now that there’s an old wound between me and—” she gave a dark glare to Uncle Discord “—that stallion. I am choosing to see this as his attempt to reconcile our relationship, so if I order you to do something cruel during this little fantasy, please do it.”

Fallacy shivered. “D-do something cruel? T-to Father?”

Again, she was hit with that wave of sadness addressing Fallacy. “Yes… it was… your brother…” She shook her head. “I will not ask you to do anything to him when you can see his face. Is that fair?”

“Y-yes, ma’am.”

“I suggest—” Uncle Discord approached the yellow unicorn “—you change your tune, my dear boy. If I’m the villain, I certainly won’t be showing you any mercy. In fact, I’ll likely have you killed first.”

The poor guy looked horrified. “You would do that!?”

“The word is ‘has,’ my son. I have done that. I believe you’ve been told the story, haven’t you?”

With an entirely different look in his eyes, he turned to the princess. “If… if you know, then that means you’re… Sunny?”

The princess cringed. “That girl died a long time ago. This form is simply a fantasy I entertained once upon a time.” Irritated, she scratched at her forehead. “I’m about ready to watch you explode and go up in a ball of flames, may we begin?”

Discord turned and smiled. “We may.”