The Dowager Princess of Equestria, Celestia, has written a 1.7 million word memoir reflecting upon her life called “Celestia: Sunrise, Sunset.” She narrated all 250 hours of narrative herself, and the following excerpt is from the 120th chapter entitled: The Twilight Saga.

Ah, the Twilight years, how fondly I remember. Of course, during such times it was much harder for me to acquiesce, which is a fancy word for ‘accepting something reluctantly’ for all of you uneducated earth pony listeners out there. Don’t worry, I know the majority of you can’t read. Anyway, Twilight was a formidable unicorn, and when I first met her I knew there was going to be some difficulty ‘reigning her in.’ That right there is called a pun, as we all know she eventually became the reigning Princess of Equestria. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself here, aren’t I? Let’s start at her beginning.

When Twilight Sparkle first tested to be a part of my school for gifted unicorns, she exhibited great power. I was more than delighted to take her under my wing at such a remarkable show of magic, but my tutelage didn’t go quite according to plan. You see, I was determined to release my dear sister Luna from the moon, but would need an impressive amount of power to do so. Did you really expect me to wait until that 1,000th year willingly? Unfortunately the last unicorn I trained to help me, Sunset Shimmer, was a little too power mad to control, so I had her banished to another realm entirely and tried all over again. Twilight Sparkle was the opposite problem because she had such an annoying sense of morality for me to contend with. Eventually, she too proved to be useless as an ally for such matters, but by the time I realized that, I knew I might as well just wait for the 1,000 year mark. The book ‘Predictions and Prophecies’ said: “The stars will aid in her escape.” Of course I wrote that myself! The sun is a star, isn’t it? And I fully intended to ‘aid Luna in her escape’, so it wasn’t as if I were lying, per say. The longest day of the 1,000th year gave me more magic to be able to use to free my sister at last. It’s the longest day, therefore my power would be at its strongest. Truly I am confused that nopony else has riddled this out for themselves, but I suppose that’s just the education system I established showing its fallacies.

On that day, Twilight was the largest thorn in my side. I couldn’t have her muck up my plans to restore my sister to the world, so I sent her to that little unassuming po-dunk town of Ponyville, and instructed her to make friends; something she was never able to do effectively in Canterlot. I’m sure you see the logic there, right? If she couldn’t make friends with her classmates, what chance did she have in one day with stranger ponies? Pleased with my plan, I immediately set to work, and successfully released my sister from her prison. I expected to see her right away, but she wasted her time announcing herself in Ponyville (of all places.) How that little nuisance Twilight was able to magically make friends and defeat my sister all in one day was beyond me, but at least my sister was magical mcGuffin-ed into the ground and would be therefore easier to control. Of course, now I had to commit to the bit with Twilight, so I urged her to stay in Ponyville.

For over 1,000 years I’d been plotting and planning to wreak my vengeance on Equestria for corrupting my sister’s sensibilities leading to her ultimate banishment. ‘Nightmare Night’ was an insult, as was that stupid summer sun celebration. Yes, mock and cheer my pain, little ponies, that will certainly make me an empathetic ruler. (For those of you reading and not listening to this memoir, that was sarcasm, there isn’t a font for that just yet.) Even so, my sister was returned to me and all should have been well, right? I hate to burst your little bubble, but it wasn’t quite that easy. I lost 365,000 nights of sleep over Luna, and my sister lost 1,000 years of life! No, Equestria still needed to pay. I would enact my revenge then steal away with Luna to the land of the Alicorns, where we belonged anyway. Besides, with my faithful student parading around as the savior of Equestria, if something were to go wrong, she would be the blamed party, right? Truthfully, I had no faith in her whatsoever, but I still took precautions. Firstly, I recovered the Elements of Harmony from Twilight and her instant-friends under the guise of keeping them safe. Yeah right! With the elements safely in my possession, I came up with my next plan of action: Discord. He was a formidable foe for my sister and I back in the day. Hell, we almost lost to him the first time we had encountered him. I knew his resurgence would be too troublesome for Twilight, so I set to work breaking him out of stone. I released the draconequus and not-so-casually discussed the whereabouts of the Elements of Harmony to my guards while I knew he was listening. I couldn’t just destroy them outright with everypony watching, especially Luna, who was trailing behind my every step begging for forgiveness.

At first, everything went swimmingly. Twilight and her friends came to Canterlot for the elements but, oh no! The elements are missing! How tragically unforeseen! I impressed upon Twilight the importance of stopping Discord, and with a quick ‘Good luck my little ponies, the fate of Equestria is in your hooves,’ I was absolved of responsibility. I was feeling so confident in my deception that I decided to really rub salt in the wound of Twilight’s failure. I sent back all of Twilight’s useless friendship reports. Cruel and unnecessary, perhaps, but my plans for vengeance were nearing their completion and I was giddy with anticipation. That giddiness was my folly. Twilight wasn’t demoralized by them, she took them as my sending her support and could rise against Discord with that added confidence! Do you know how sick with disgust I was when I had to publically honor Twilight and her friends again for their good deeds?

My next plot was far better conceived. I decided taking a gamble on Twilight was too risky, she was annoyingly good at countering my plans. Instead, I preyed upon Canterlot, indirectly upon myself. How could anypony believe I would put myself in harm’s way? I had a few options in mind of the threat to use and eventually settled on the changelings. Up until that point, I’d kept a protection spell on Equestria to keep any changeling from entering our borders. I’m not particularly fond of neighbors. All I had to do was lift that spell and send a few guard scouts in that general direction to garner some interest. At first, this too seemed like the perfect plan. Of course I knew Mi Amore Cadenza had been taken, I’m no fool. I was patiently waiting for the moment that Chrysalis would reveal herself, so I could face her in battle. I would make a big show of ‘losing’ to said battle before making my hasty retreat with Luna. I’d been keeping Luna on some pretty heavy sedatives during the daylight hours so she couldn’t do something foolish like protect ponies efficiently. No pony even noticed my sister’s absence in all of the wedding planning anyway. What I didn’t count on was that horrid goop cocoon incapacitating my magic entirely. How was I to know changeling magic would be strong enough to contain me? Oh well, Cadenza and that moron Shining Armor used the power of love or some such nonsense in the end anyway. Their magic was even more powerful than the Elements of Harmony, and that was a problem.

Next, I brought back the Crystal Empire and sent Cadenza and the idiot away. I knew they’d be no match for Sombra as not even elemental magic could defeat him. As expected, they never returned, so I feigned concern and sent Twilight and her friends there next. Two annoying birds with one stone, am I right? I even took it a step further to ensure they would fail by turning it into a ‘test’ for Twilight. I did this so I could discourage her from using her friends’ help as she had done for Nightmare Moon and Discord. An even more perfect plan, that ended in a perfectly awful failure. The biggest takeaway from this failure, however, was the relationship between myself and my sister. Luna was starting to catch wise to me keeping her and myself out of the efforts to save Equestria, so I brought her into my confidence. While she was initially against the idea, all it took was a little reminder of the attitudes and actions of the ponies after her banishment to rekindle the hatred she had for them. From then on, she became my ally. She had a few ideas herself, but they were inferior to my own so I paid them little heed. Sick to death of looking at my failures in the face, I encouraged… no, demanded Cadenza and her royal half-wit of a husband rule the Crystal Empire and stay the hell away from Canterlot.

My next plan had to be even sneakier. Since Twilight and her friends were touting friendship so much, I decided to give them an impossible friendship task: reforming Discord. He’d almost beaten them once if not for my own idiocy, so who was to say he couldn’t try it again? I gave the task to the quiet one directly, knowing her sensitivity was the most vulnerable. Yet, somehow… some impossible way… she pulled it off! He was eating out of her hoof by the time I checked on their ‘progress!’ This was becoming absolutely ABSURD! I realized that if I were going to take out Equestria, I had to take out those pesky ponies first!

For my sixth attempt, I decided rather than bringing back past villains to run amuck, I would attack the problem at its source: the elements of harmony. If the elements were rendered useless, Twilight and her friends would be, and the next plan would be sure to succeed. So, I gave my former pupil another impossible task: fixing Starswirl’s spell. Centuries ago, Luna and I had attempted to do the same, and rather than unlock the elements’ potential, we accidentally rendered them unusable. Of course, as bad luck would have it, Twilight pulled it off with hardly any trouble. By then, I was no longer bewildered by her feats of magic and morality, just enraged by them. From within my castle in Canterlot, I could feel the waves of Twilight’s magic upon the spell’s completion. Ever the quick wit, I magicked myself into the realm of magic she had been taken to, and took credit for her alicorn-ifying. Was I happy about it? Not necessarily, but I knew her elevated status as a princess would be a great distraction more than a hindrance to me.

Since Twilight’s element was now a permanent part of her crown, I would need to think of another way to rid myself of her. Luna asked how I’d rid Equestria of my former pupil, and I realized I had the answer all along! The mirror to the other dimension! Why hadn’t I thought of that sooner? I had banished Sunset years ago and she never resurfaced again! I’d been overthinking this revenge against Twilight and decided to dispose of her rather than destroy her. Of course, Sunset discovered the portal before I could be rid of Twilight, so I ran with it. I made Twilight go in alone, once again trying to ruin the ‘friendship’ aspect of her magic. The little dragon followed her, and I’m certain THAT’S why that plan didn’t succeed. You cannot imagine how infuriating it was to see her come back successful, and with a budding new friendship with Sunset Shimmer.

Well, if I couldn’t attack the elements directly, I decided to do it indirectly by destroying the Tree of Harmony. Only Luna and I knew of the tree’s existence, so nopony would catch me draining it of its magic. Well, we all know how that ended up, don’t we? I successfully weakened the tree, but was then attacked and captured by a PLANT of all things! How was I supposed to know Discord had planted those plunder seeds all those centuries ago? You’d think I would be happy that Twilight and her friends rescued my sister and I from the clutches of those vines, but I was equally annoyed. The elements were back in the tree now, making it stronger than ever, and any attempts to weaken it would be fruitless. Now I had an OCD and anxiety-riddled new princess to deal with on top of grappling with her elevated state of magical might.

I’ll admit, my next plan was probably my worst one. I wasn’t thinking clearly, alright?! I was depressed and suffering under the incessant whining of my former student-turned-princess and starting to butt heads again with my sister. Seems she’d been ‘working through her trauma’ and wasn’t as Anti-Equestria as I thought. Rather than try to figure out who would be the best adversary for Twilight, I just went shopping in hell. Oh, excuse me, Tartarus. Tirek looked formidable, he had quite the rap sheet, what could go wrong? Well, once everything started getting out of control, everypony was looking to me for answers and assistance so I had no choice but to play along. I think that was the first time I truly rooted for her to succeed. If anything, it did convince Luna I was trying to turn over a new leaf in regards to Twilight and her friends, and how I viewed all of Equestria. If I was pro-purple-princess for this instance, then I must have been planning to be going forward, right? Oh the naivety of youth.

After Tirek, I needed a break. I stopped caring what Twilight and her peon friends were up to. I heard about some enchanted map thing and something about a unicorn dictator in butt-fuck Equestria, but I didn’t really tune in for any of that nonsense. Didn’t even know the pony’s name until she showed up to switch my cutie mark with Luna’s for some stupid friendship lesson. The nerve of that peasant, Sunshine Glitter… or was it Sunlight Glamor?

Ugh, I’ve been droning on about Twilight for far too long. I could continue explaining the ways I sabotaged her, such as slipping that book to Sunburst to release the pony of shadows, or setting the E.E.A. against Twilight and her friendship school, or establishing the tartarus pen pal program… but it’s all so frightfully boring from this point on. Seriously, even I was getting tired of these ponies and their adventures. So, I conceded defeat. I decided rather than work against Twilight, I would use her instead. I would retire with Luna, the whole world believing me to be this glorious goddess of goodness and grace the entire time. The funny thing is though, I hadn’t actually tried to save Equestria since my sister was banished. When I did so after announcing my retirement I actually had… Well, fun! It was thrilling to be pitted against the odds and face down danger. his is why dear readers, or listening mud ponies, I am the final and most powerfully reformed villain. In the end, I actually WANTED Twilight and her masses to save Equestria from the troublesome trio. Encasing them in stone was the best way to cover my tracks, forever concealing my blame… until now, of course.

You may be wondering why I would disclose such secrets to the population now when I could be under such scrutiny. Well, that is because of the very pupil I resented for so long. Twilight finally figured out that it was I who released Nightmare Moon after her banishment; it took her a few years but she finally did. Luna and I appealed to her soft heart and sensibilities to pardon me, as in the end, it was for the betterment of ponykind. In my own way, I am Equestria’s true savior by giving her and her friends such power and prestige, so a pardon was the least she could do. Twilight eventually agreed, and I made sure the wording of the written pardon absolved me of any and all crimes committed during my reign.

If you’re worried that I am stressing how this will reflect upon my character, fret not. I am quite content with the outcome of things. Regardless of what you think of me, it’s because of my actions that ponykind has indeed prospered. Besides, no PR is bad PR, and I intend for this memoir to captivate audiences all the way up the Canterlot Best Sellers list. Moreover, I do not let the opinions of the peasantry concern me. Now with all of this Twilight nonsense behind us, I can recount and write about the fascinating saga of pot-bellied toads, and how their influence shaped my early retirement. A subject which, I’m sure you will agree, is frightfully more fascinating than this past one.

Author's Note

This is probably the most random, last-second-out-of-nowhere story I've ever written. Is it perfect? Hell no, it's full of mistakes I'm sure, but to be honest, I don't really care. Every so often I need to feel creative in a time that is super difficult for me. This month I lost my fur daughter, Peanut, and the grief has been overwhelming. So, to take a break from being depressed, I tried to cheer myself up with a silly little story explaining why I think Celestia was the true villain all along LOL.

R.I.P. My precious Peanut, I promise your legacy will live on forever <3