OK, NOW THIS IS THE LAST SHOT
Applejack was having quite the workout. Anon was still in his foal form and was now in her care, as Twilight had decided it would be good for him. It was, however, not doing so good for AJ. As she carried a thrashing Anon up the stairs, his little hooves kicking as she took him to the bathroom.
“Will ya quit your squirmin’?! You’re heavier than a bag of apples! And stinkier!” Applejack complained, pushing the door open. You're getting a bath and that's that!"
“There's no way you're bathing me, horse-face!” Anon protested, still trying to get out of her grip. His stubbornness was a force of nature, even in his newfound foal form.
“You're not getting out of this, Anon,” Applejack said, her patience wearing as thin as a dried-up creek bed in summer. She slammed the door shut and dropped him to the floor. "The bath is filled and ready for ya, so let's get this over with!"
Anon stared at the large, steaming tub with a look of horror. "You expect me... to just get in there? That tub of lava? Have you lost it woman?!"
"The only thing I'm losing is my patience! It's just water, so get in!"
"Hot water! I'll boil like a lobster!" Anon yelled back.
Applejack, unfazed by his dramatics, marched over to him, took his tail by her teeth and carried him to the tub. "Now, you're getting in there, whether you like it or not!" She let go of his tail to drop him only to have Anon cling to her face like a cat.
"You got the fires of Mount Doom in there!" Anon cried, hanging on for dear life.
"Just get in!" Applejack yelled, prying him off her face. She grabbed his tail again and with a swift motion, dunked him into the tub. Anon hit the water with a loud splash, sending waves of steamy heat into the air. He surfaced, sputtering and flailing his little hooves.
"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! I'M MELTING! MELTING!" Anon wailed dramatically as the hot water enveloped his small frame. "OH, WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD!"
Applejack couldn't help but facehoof at his overreaction. She couldn't decide whether Anon was more annoying as a human or a foal. "You're not melting, ya drama queen. Now, quit your whinin' and let me wash you up," she demanded with a firmness that usually worked on Apple Bloom.
Anon was not Apple Bloom, though. He thrashed around in the tub, sending soapy water flying. His little hooves slipped on the porcelain as he tried to escape the soapy fate that awaited him. Applejack held a hoof over his head and tried to scrub his back with the other, but it was like trying to give a greased-up piglet a bath.
"Hold still!"
"You're a monster!"
"I'm only washing ya!"
"Said the sadist!"
"Well, you're not getting out until you're clean, so you better start cooperating!" Applejack shot back, trying to keep her cool amidst the chaos.
"Why don't you just drown me?!" Anon squawked, splashing water in Applejack's face.
Applejack wiped her face with the back of her hoof and glared hard at Anon. "Fine!"
And with that AJ forced Anon's head under the water, his muffled protests and bubbles popping up to the surface. She held him there, smiling with grim satisfaction as she watched the little troublemaker squirm...
***
Twilight stared at Applejack barely able to process what she had just heard. The two sat alone together in the castle's library, drinking strong mugs of coffee. It had been a long, trying day for Applejack, and she looked like she had been through a tornado. Her mane was frazzled and her hat was still damp from the bathing war with Anon.
A long, awkward silence passed before Twilight finally spoke, "You... drowned... Anon... in your bathtub?"
Applejack took a sip of her coffee and sighed. "No," she admitted sheepishly. "But I imagined myself doing it. That little... that little... " she sputtered, trying to find the right words to describe the pint-sized menace. "He's a lot more trouble than I thought, Twilight! When you asked me to take him in I thought I would have him turned into a proper pony of society; instead, I got a tiny monster in my home!"
Twilight set her mug down. "I'm sorry, Applejack. I know it's not easy. But we can't just give up on him, can we?" she asked, looking at her friend with hopeful eyes.
Applejack sighed heavily and leaned back in her chair. "No, we can't. But I'm telling ya, Twilight, despite him being a foal now, it feels like he's a whole lot worse. For us rather than all of Ponyville."
"You mean there has been more than one incident?" Twilight asked, wondering what else Anon could possibly throw at Applejack she couldn't take.
***
Applejack had just came back inside from a hard day's work on the orchard. All she wanted was to sit at the table, enjoy a warm meal, have a shower and then go straight to bed.
She sighed and sat down heavily on the chair, when she heard the pitter-patter of hooves followed by a clank and a thud. She turned around to find Anon trying to balance a pie on his back as he waddled his way towards the farm pony.
"What do you think you're doing with that pie?" Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow at Anon.
Anon looked up at her with what could only be described as an angelic expression for a foal. "Oh, I just made it with Granny Smith's help! It's a chocolate pie!" He gestured to the baked dish, his eyes gleaming. "Want to try it?"
Applejack's stomach grumbled at the mention of chocolate. She was about to protest, but the smell wafting from the pie was too tempting. "Alright, fine," she said, taking the pie from him and setting it on the table. "I guess it couldn't be too bad if Granny helped ya."
Picking up a fork that was already on the table, Applejack stuck it into the pie, ready to indulge in the sweet treat. But instead of the expected give of warm chocolate, the crust exploded with a loud POP! A geyser of sticky, gooey pie filling shot straight into the air. It splattered against the ceiling, the walls, and all over Applejack's face. She sat there, stunned, as bits of chocolate and crust rained down like a twisted celebration.
The room fell silent except for the echo of Anon's mad cackling as he bolted from the kitchen, his little legs moving surprisingly fast for a human turned foal. Applejack blinked, her blood pressure rising as she processed the cruel prank that was sprung on her.
"ANON!" she bellowed, her scream echoing through the farmhouse. The sound was so powerful it rattled the windows and caused the farm animals to startle awake. "YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU LITTLE BRAT!"
***
Twilight winced as Applejack finished her story of Anon's dirty trick. "You didn't punish him too harshly, I hope?"
"For starters, I made him clean up the whole mess before letting him go to bed," Applejack groused, still feeling rather irked. "Then I put him on pig pen duty for a week..."
Twilight couldn't help but notice Applejack trailing off on her sentence. "I take it there's more to this story?"
Applejack groaned and rested her head on the table. "Yeah... the little devil snuck into my room the next night."
"What did he do?" Twilight's eyes widened with concern.
***
It was well past midnight as Anon gently pushed open the door to Applejack's bedroom. Despite his foal body, he forced himself to stay awake so he could enact his revenge on AJ for forcing him to do farm labour.
With a bat clenched between his teeth, he made sure to gently shuffle his way into the room. His new hooves would only make the unmistakable sound of clopping and he couldn't risk the farm pony waking up. The room was illuminated by the soft moonlight shining through the windows. Applejack lay snoring peacefully in her bed, a hint of a smile playing on her lips. Anon couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret for what he was about to do, but he pushed it aside. This was war.
Carefully, he climbed up onto her bed, his little hooves sinking slightly into the mattress with each step. Applejack's snoring grew louder as he approached. He came to stand right over Applejack's head, bat raised high in his hooves, he swung down hard on her face.
"Gaah!" Applejack bolted upright with a yelp. She blinked the sleep from her eyes and glared at the culprit, who was now dangling from the edge of the bed. "What in tarnation do you think you're doing?!"
"I'm killing you, AJ," Anon answered as if it were obvious.
It was then when Applejack noticed the padded toy bat laying on the floor. Probably from a box of Apple Bloom's old foal toys in the attic. "You were trying to kill me... with a toy bat?" she asked, incredulous.
Anon let himself drop to the floor to retrieve his weapon of choice. "Well, I'm much too weak to use a regular bat so this will have to do. So if you could just lie back down and accept your fate, this will all be over in a matter of minutes," he said, his tone mockingly polite.
"GET BACK TO BED!" Applejack roared.
"Yes, ma'am!" Anon squeaked, dropping the toy bat and running out the room.
Applejack slumped back into her pillow, defeated by the sheer absurdity of the situation. She was too flabbergasted to even be angry about his 'assassination' attempt. If one could even call it that.
***
"So he did or he didn't try to kill you?" Twilight asked, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"All I know is, he hasn't tried anything like that again," Applejack said, a hint of amusement finally showing on her face. "Especially since Apple Bloom roughed him up pretty good for it. She was mighty furious when she found out."
Twilight chuckled, picturing the tiny filly putting Anon in his place. "Well, at least he's learning some manners, if not by your hooves, then by the hooves of your little sister."
Applejack couldn't help but laugh herself as she recalled the bruising Apple Bloom laid down on Anon. "Yeah, I guess that's one way to look at it. But I don't know how much longer I can handle his antics, Twilight. It's like having the son of Discord in my house."
Twilight nodded sympathetically. "I suppose you want me to take him back?"
"Would you?" Applejack asked hopefully. "I know you thought I'd be the one for the job, but he's more than I bargained for."
Twilight nodded, sipping her coffee thoughtfully. "Let me finish my coffee and I'll go straight to the farm and get him."
"Thanks, Twilight," Applejack said, her eyes lighting up with relief. "But he's not at the farm right now."
"Oh? Where is he then?" she asked, setting down her mug.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" Rarity's voice rang out through the castle halls.
Twilight gave Applejack a knowing look. "You left him with Rarity, didn't you?"
Applejack nodded, trying to suppress a smirk. "She owed me a favour."
The doors to the library slammed open with a thunderous bang, the wood rattling on their hinges. Twilight turned to see Rarity striding in with a look of utter exasperation etched on her face. To her bewilderment, Rarity was painted with black stripes from snout to tail as if she were cosplaying a zebra. Wrapped in her magical grasp beside her was a levitating cat crate with a smirking Anon inside.
"You!" Rarity pointed a hoof straight at Twilight. "You take this... this abomination back and keep him far, far away from me!"
"What did he do?" Twilight asked, her eyes wide as she took in Rarity's bizarre appearance.
"What did he-? Just look at me!" Rarity yelled furiously. She spun around to show Twilight the full extent of the disaster that was her once pristine coat. "This! This is what he did!"
Applejack couldn't help but chuckle into her coffee mug as she took in the sight. Anon's antics were actually a little bit funny when it wasn't happening to her. Twilight, on the other hoof, was trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably.
"How could Anon paint stripes on you like that?" Twilight managed to ask through her snickering.
"It's not paint! It's ink! Ink, darling!" Rarity seethed, thrusting the crate into Twilight's hooves. "And he did it while I was taking a much needed nap! With Sweetie's Belle's help no less! He's a bad, toxic, unacceptable influence for her! And as for you," Rarity turned to face Applejack. "Not only is my favour to you fulfilled, you now owe me a favour for this!"
"Sure thing, Zeb-rarity," Applejack snickered, unable to hold back her amusement at her friend's predicament.
Anon smiled at Rarity now that he was safely in Twilight's possession. "For what it's worth, Rarity, I think you look quite... exotic," he said with a cheeky grin. "Shame you woke up before we could do your mane."
"Exotic is not the word I would use, you little terror!" Rarity snapped, her cheeks flaming with anger. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of scrubbing to do." With that, she spun around and marched out of the library, her hooves clacking sharply against the stone floor.
Twilight looked down at the crate containing Anon, his grinning face poking out through the bars. She sighed heavily.
"Looks like he's all yours again," Applejack said happily, taking her leave as well.
Twilight couldn't argue; she had a responsibility to help Anon adjust to his new reality. Resigning herself to her fate, she let Anon out of the crate with a stern look. "Just what have I done to deserve you?" she muttered.
"Oh, come on, Twilight," Anon said with a smirk. "You know you love me. Deep down."
"Waaaay down, Anon. Waaaay down."
Author's Note
Special thanks to PaintedPony. Without their comment suggesting another story this wouldn't have been made. I truly thought I was done writing the You Can't series and it's been a true honour seeing they all made the Featured List. To be honest, I've never been a fan of my stories. I read them and think: meh. But when they get posted and people show their likes for it, it makes me feel I actually did something right.
Because the story isn’t complete without Discord
“You think you’re so great! You think just because you got turned into a foal it makes you’re reign so much easier!”
Anon glared up at the draconoquus as he slurped his drink through a crazy straw. “If you got a problem with me, I suggest you just go ahead and say it!”
“You’re stealing my spotlight!” Discord slammed his mug down on the bar, refusing to so much as spare a glance at Anon. Instead he kept his focus strong on the bottled beverages behind the bar. ”Soon as I reformed, you appear out of nowhere and start raining down chaos on everyone! Just what the actual hell!?”
Anon rested his hoof under his head, looking up at the pouting draconoquus. “Listen, Dystopia-“
“Discord,” he corrected.
“Dylan- I didn’t ask for any of this magical horse land! One day I’m minding my own business, dumping a bucket of maple syrup on my boss’ car and then boom!” Anon slammed a hoof on the bar. “Red and blue lights followed by a loud siren! Then two little angry cops chase you down an alley and you try hiding in a dumpster but all of a sudden you end up in this sugary hell! I’m just working with what I got, ya know?”
“Yes, yes. I’ve heard the sob story. But here’s the deal, kid. Chaos is my gig. I got the gig over a thousand years ago! So imagine how it feels when-“
“Wait. Hold on,” Anon interrupted. “When you say over a thousand years, do you mean a thousand and one?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “A thousand and eight to be exact, but who’s counting?”
“Well, I am, actually. You see, I’ve been stuck in this pony body for a acouple weeks now, and I’ve realized something. You’re not the only one who can stir things up around here. I’ve got a knack for it too. So unless you can send me home, I ain’t going anywhere.”
Discord smiled mischievously. “Oh, believe me, shrimp. There are an infinite amount of places I can send you. But I made a promise to Fluttershy that I’d play nice. If I knew which one you came from you would be back there already.”
“That being said,” Anon continued. “I think you and I aren’t so different.”
Discord snorted into his drink. “Not so different? Ha! You’re just a tiny little pest trying to play in the big leagues. You dare compare yourself to me?”
“Well…” Anon began, taking a sip through his straw with a smug look. “While you’re on the path of righteousness I’m on the path that rocks. And while I’m sure they found you amusing for a while, eventually they will begin to hate you again. Why bother playing the good guy?”
The draconoquus glared down at him, his tail flicking in irritation. “Because unlike you, I have someone who actually likes me. I hurt her once. I won’t do it again.”
Anon raised an eyebrow. “Fluttershy, you mean. But that’s just it, isn’t it? You’re playing by their rules. You think you’re keeping the chaos in check, but all you’re doing is putting yourself on a leash for them to yank whenever they feel like it. They don’t respect you, they just tolerate you because they have no choice. Join me. Imagine what we could accomplish together! The things we could create!”
Discord’s tail suddenly wrapped around Anon’s neck and lifted him until their eyes met. “You think I’m a fool, don’t you? That I don’t know what you’re trying to do? I should turn you into stone right here, right now! The ponies will probaly praise me for doing it, too!” His eyes glowed with a dangerous light.
Anon swallowed, struggling to breath. “Go ahead, Disco. But you better do it before I make an ugly face. Nopony will want me in their garden.” He began to twist his face into multiple grotesque expressions that would make a gargoyle look like a beauty queen.
To his own surprise, Discord found himself chuckling, the tension in his tail easing. He set Anon back down on the bar stool. “You got chaos in you, I’ll give you that. But you’re still just a foal playing with matches in the forest. Meanwhile, I’m the inferno.”
Anon rubbed his neck, still smiling as Discord released him. "Well, I'll take that as a compliment, I guess. But I've got news for you, pal. Chaos isn't about burning things down. It's about shaking things up so something better can be built. So, why don’t you give me a call when you want to take chaos a little more seriously? Here’s my card.”
With a flourish, Anon slapped down a red card and slid it towards Discord.
Anon finished his drink with a series of loud, exaggerated slurps that seemed to echo through the bar. He grinned at Discord, hopped off his seat and headed out the door. The draconoquus watched him go, his eyes narrowed in contemplation. As the door swung shut, he reached out his talon and picked up the card. It showed a line of ten cups with nine of them stamped. Underneath it read: 10th Slurpee free!
"Cute," he murmured to himself, tossing the card into his mouth and swallowing it.
Just as he was about to take another sip of his drink, Discord felt something tugging at his tail. He turned and looked down to find Anon with a sheepish expression.
“What do you want now?” Discord groaned.
“I just remembered you didn’t just teleport us to a bar anywhere in Equestria.”
Discord feigned ignorance. “Oh, really? And what ever could have given you that idea?”
“Well, for starters I’m pretty sure Equestria doesn’t have giant guinea pigs wearing top hats and talking in fancy English accents,” Anon said, gesturing to the other patrons of the bar who were all dressed up rodents and sipping on fancy teacups. All chatting away in their snooty British accents.
“I say Chadwick, what do you make of those peculiar creatures over there?” one of the well-dressed guinea pigs at a table asked his companion.
The other guinea pig, Chadwick, took a dainty sip of his tea before raising a monocle to his eye. “Ah, yes. They do seem a bit of the odd sort, don’t they, Garfield? Especially that mismatched fellow if I do say so myself.”
“Indubitably,” Garfield replied with a snort. “I suspect they’re from the other side of the looking glass. Or perhaps they’re here for the Grand Tube Show. I for one tried to get hold of tickets myself but alas, they sold out."
“Yes, I expected you to come across such misfortune,” Chadwick said with a knowing nod. “Those tickets are quite the rare commodity. So I went ahead and purchased an extra ticket for this occasion.”
“Oho! You do spoil me, dear Chadwick! Where will we be seated?”
“Only the finest for us, old chap! The Royal Box, of course! It’s not every day one is privileged enough to witness the Grand Tube Show!”
And with that the guinea pigs shared a good chortle.
Author's Note
NOW ITS OVER!
