ANON

Chapters

We Can Fix Him! (No We Can't!)
An Idiot Sandwich
One Weird Cat
Let There Be Carnage
Apples
A Shower of Insanity
It's Just a Prank, Bro!
Assault With a Deadly Golf Ball

We Can Fix Him! (No We Can't!)

It was a rainy day outside Twilight's castle as she and her friends were gathered around the Cutie Map table. Twilight for one, liked the rainy weather. The pitter patter against her window, spontaneous crackles of thunder, and a warm fireplace. A good fiction novel and a cup of hot cocoa made it all complete.

Sadly, Twilight wasn't getting any of those comforts today. Instead of cozying up in the library, she and her friends had a rather unique problem to discuss. One by one she looked at each of them, hoping one of them would be willing to start. They only stared back at her except with a look of exasperation.

Twilight sighed inwardly. She knew this conversation wasn't going to be easy. Her friends had been nothing but patient with their newest citizen, but they had all reached their limit with him. Rainbow Dash's wings twitched impatiently as she leaned on the side of her chair and rested a hoof under her chin. Knowing her ADHD friend wasn't going to take the silence much longer, Twilight cleared her throat and spoke.

"So... we all know why we're here. We and much of Ponyville have an issue with Anon. We knew when we found him he wasn't mentally sound. As you all know, he claims to be an interloper of some sort. A human, as he puts it. Now from what I learned from my studies is that he might, just might be telling the truth (despite his tendency to lie). So this makes on how we go about handling Anon a little more difficult. But not impossible."

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Human or foal, the little scamp is a pest!" she barked, not bothering to hide her irritation. "He's always causing trouble, Twilight. You know it. I know it. Heck, I bet even Pinkie Pie's starting to get tired of his antics!"

Pinkie Pie neither confirmed nor denied Rainbow's words. She suddenly became quite interested on the back of her hoof. While she found the crazy foal amusing at times, there were also times his jokes and actions were either too dark or too explicit.

"Be that as it may," Twilight continued, "We still haven't had our cutie marks glow, indicating we fulfilled our mission. Therefore, I'm not ready to give up on Anon. And I think neither should any of you."

All of Twilight's friends groaned in unison, the tension in the room palpable as each pony shared a knowing glance. Applejack raised her hoof. "Look, Twilight, I know you think we're the right ponies for the job but even our classes in the School of Friendship ain't getting through to him. Why I remember this one time..."

***

Applejack strode into her barn-themed classroom with a wide grin to her students. "Afternoon, y'all."

"Good afternoon, Miss Applejack," the class chorused in reply.

Applejack nodded approvingly as she stood behind her desk. She pulled out a clipboard with the list of names. "Got an exciting lesson for y'all today, but as always, attendance comes first. Let's go down the line."

One by one her students confirmed their presence with enthusiasm. "Here!" "Present!" "Yo!" until Applejack reached the very last name on her list, "Anon?" The room grew eerily silent as she called out again, "Anon?"

As if on cue, a small green colt with a messy black mane came scrambling through the door and slammed it shut behind him. Anon laid his back to the door taking in several ragged deep breaths seemingly unaware of the full classroom staring at him; particularly Applejack's disapproving one. Anon took a few more breaths before taking notice to the other students.

"Hey guys!" Anon waved with a small smile as he stood up and walked to the middle front of the classroom. "Listen! I don't have much time! Any second now a very pissed off Professor Dash is going to come in here and ask how long I've been in here. She's mistaken me for another colt and thinks I'm responsible for a certain something that I totally did not do. It would be really cool of all of you to tell her I arrived here before any of you."

The class exchanged confused glances.

"But we all just saw you run in here," a voice from the back spoke out.

"Yeah, Einstein!" Anon called back, standing on his back legs to try and get a look at the goodie two hooves. "It's this thing called lying! It's where you say something that isn't true so you don't get into trouble! Play your cards right and I'll teach you what bribery is. Seriously, I should be teaching this class."

Little did Anon know, Applejack was standing right behind him the whole time. She cleared her throat, a sound that made Anon freeze on the spot. He slowly reached a hoof back feeling something solid. His hoof went further up feeling something more squishy. "Is that you, Satan?" Anon asked, keeping his back to Applejack.

"Anon!" Applejack snapped.

Anon whipped around, smiling innocently. "Oh! Professor AJ! Sorry about that, I thought you were an old friend of mine. Well, since we're all here," Anon began to move for his seat, "I'll just go ahead and take my seat and-"

But Applejack was already on top of him, her teeth catching his tail and dragging him back. "Not so fast, young'un," she said firmly. "You're not gonna be attending this lesson."

Anon gasped, putting on a look of dramatic shock. "Are you seriously going to deny me my education? You? A teacher?!"

"Oh, you're gonna get plenty of educating done alright. Soon as Professor Rainbow Dash gets here and takes you to Headmare Twilight. You can take your homework with ya."

Before Anon could protest, the door suddenly swung open. Rainbow Dash flew in, her rainbow mane frazzled and a look of frustration etched on her face. "There you are! You little... what did you do now?" she huffed, seeing Applejack with a firm hoof over Anon's shoulder.

"Tried to have the whole class lie for him," Applejack answered. "What he do on your end?"

"The little creep snuck up on me in the hall and took a mouthful of my tail!" Rainbow Dash stated, snatching Anon from AJ's hold and tucking him under her foreleg as if he were a football.

"I was just checking to see if it tasted like Skittles!" Anon explained, unable to hide a small smile. He looked back to his classmates. "And it totally does!"

Rainbow's face went from annoyed to embarrassed in seconds. "It does NOT taste like Skittles!" She announced to the students. "So don't any of you even think of trying it!"

The class broke out into a fit of giggles, which was quickly silenced by Applejack's stern look. "Just get him out of here. I'll have somepony bring him his homework."

Rainbow Dash nodded and turned to fly off with Anon. Anon, however, wasn't done just yet. "Wow! And here I thought this was a class about honesty! How about it, Professor Apple Mac? You must know what Rainbow's tail tastes like. Don't go lying to us now. We've all seen the way you look at each other. Remember: Honesty."

Rainbow Dash and Applejack's faces turned a deep shade of red, and the students couldn't help but snicker.

"That's it! You're coming with me!" Rainbow Dash shouted, shooting out the classroom.

"That's what she saaaaaaid!" Anon cried as she rushed him down the hall.

The class erupted into laughter while Applejack wanted to face-plant into her desk.

***

At the end of her story Pinkie Pie couldn't help letting out a snort of laughter. They all turned to stare at her with disapproving looks.

"Sorry," Pinkie said, coughing into her hoof. "But that ending caught me by surprise!"

The room grew quiet again, and Twilight took a moment to gather her thoughts. "Look, I know Anon can be... challenging. But he's not doing these things out of malice. He's just confused and acting out because he doesn't understand our world yet."

"Is that what you really think?" Rarity exclaimed, sitting up in her seat. "Because darling, you haven't heard anything yet!"

Author's Note

Well... Due to popular demand I've decided to reboot the story. No more one shots. This will be a multi chapter story. I apologize for the short beginning. I wanted to add more but then I'd be forcing it. Fear not though as it currently colder than Santa Claus' nipples where I am. So I can't really go out. Nothing to do but read and write.

Once again: BIG THANKS TO PAINTED PONY. You have them to thank this chain hasn't been cut.

An Idiot Sandwich

Rarity had woken up one morning to find Anon hogtied on her kitchen floor with duct tape over his mouth; the letters I.O.U scribbled and signed R.D in black marker over his barrel. Rarity knew this colt could be a handful with his ludicrous tales of his ‘other world’ and immature behaviour, but she specifically told Rainbow Dash she would be busy all week. So why oh why did she have to dump him here?

It was tempting to simply step over Anon, get herself breakfast, and get started on her work. But Sweetie Belle was staying with her for a couple days. No doubt she would find Anon eventually, and Rarity didn’t want to deal with the barrage of questions that would follow. She would just have to bite the bullet on this one.

“Forgotten your manners with Rainbow Dash again, have you?” Rarity asked sarcastically, untying him with a swift flick of her magic and ripping the tape off his mouth.

Anon stood up with a scowl, rubbing his sore forelegs from the ropeburn. “I was simply complimenting her wings in the language of the griffons. She used that as an excuse to say I was trying to offend her.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Darling, while I applaud your effort to study a new language, Rainbow Dash is quite fluent in Griffon. She does have a griffon friend after all. So I’m sure whatever it is you said to insult her, she understood it perfectly well.”

Anon’s eyes widened as the realization dawned on him. “Oooooh.”

“Yes,” Rarity said with a curt nod. “Oh, indeed. Now I take it you haven’t eaten yet?”

“That depends,” Anon replied, glancing around the tidy kitchen. “Whatcha got up in this bitch?”

Rarity’s expression froze. Her eyes narrowed at the foul language coming from the young colt’s mouth. Patience, Rarity, she told herself. Have patience with him. He’s just a colt. It’s not his fault he’s like this. But still, she couldn’t ignore the fact that his behavior was completely inappropriate.

“Anon, I must insist you take care not to use such language in a ladies presence. Especially when you’re a guest in her own home!” Rarity said sharply, her eyes glaring at the green colt.

Anon shrugged. “Even here a guy can’t speak what’s on his mind. Words don’t mean anything unless you give them power. Besides, it’s not like I was saying something actually offensive like if I called you a-“

Rarity swiftly pressed her hoof over Anon’s mouth. “An example will not be necessary! Now, I have a very important question for you, young colt. Do you know what the word 'respect' means?”

“It’s what you give to someone when you’re afraid they’re going to kick your flank, of course. Or if they have money and you really want them to share it.”

Rarity’s grip on her temper was slipping. “That is not what respect means, Anon. It’s about showing consideration and esteem towards others, regardless of their social status or wealth. It’s about being polite and treating them as equals.”

Anon shrugged. “Eh. I’d much rather be feared. Now about that breakfast?”

Rarity closed her eyes and counted to ten. It was clear that Anon wasn’t going to learn mnnerw unless she taught him. She gestured to the kitchen. “Alright, why don’t we make breakfast together while I explain the concept of respect to you?”

“Or- or- Put a pin in it- You give me some bits and I’ll go get myself breakfast at McBuck’s!” Anon suggested, trying to wriggle out of his impromptu lesson.

Rarity held strong. “No, Anon. This is your opportunity to learn something important.”

Seeing that the drama llama wasn’t going to give in, Anon followed Rarity into the kitchen. She began explaining the importance of respect as they gathered ingredients. Anon became dead inside as she drawled on about the importance of saying please and thank you. It was like he was back on earth listening to his grandmother go on about how she invented the measuring system. It was boring then. It was boring now. He was about to try and sneak off but then Sweetie Belle bounded down the stairs.

"Hi, Rarity!" she said cheerfully, then smiled upon seeing Anon. “Anon! What are you doing here?”

Anon gave a half-hearted wave. "I'm... uh...uh…"

Well, little miss! I’m here trapped with your prissy sissy as she goes on and on about how respect will get me so far in life your sunny butt princess will want me to make a proper mare out of her emo sister! But as tempting as that sounds I’d much rather be munching on an Egg McMuffin at McBuck’s but alas! I’m forced to slave over a hot oven wishing I had my fingers again so I could blow my brains out with a shotgun! What’s that you say Rarity? What’s a shotgun? Well, shucks I guess that’s even more bad news for me! Might as well stick my head in the oven and burn in agony! What’s that, Sweetie Belle? Ponies are flame retardant! Well, fu-

“Anon,” Rarity spoke, interrupting his train of thought. “It is rude to space out when a lady is addressing you!”

Anon blinked and gave his head a good shake. “Sorry, Sweets. Rainbow Dash was busy today so Rarity’s playing as my babysitter. And she’s giving me a life lesson as we make breakfast.”

“Ooh, that sounds like fun!” Sweetie clapped her hooves together.”What are you making? Can I help?”

Rarity gave a hearty smile at Sweetie Belle’s enthusiasm. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have her little sister’s help to show Anon proper etiquette. Plus, it might lighten the mood a bit. “Of course, Sweetie. We’re making Fritatta. You can get the eggs cracked. Anon, please retrieve the goat cheese from the fridge.”

Anon turned to the fridge, he couldn’t resist muttering under his breath. “Good thing you told me to get it from the fridge. I was gonna look in the broom closet.”

Taking a block of cheese out, Anon brought it over to the counter. He frowned upon seeing he was too small to put the cheese up there himself. He tapped Rarity on her shoulder. She looked down at him with an expective look. “Rather than touching a lady, the better way would be to say, ‘Excuse me, Miss Rarity’ And I’ll be delighted to hear your request,” Rarity said, hoping her lessons were getting through to him. Though, she didn’t want to push him too hard. She accepted the cheese.

A second later, Anon found the cheese back onto his hoof. “No, darling this is blue cheese.”

Anon rolled his eyes heavenward, his teeth grinding together as Rarity corrected him for the umpteenth time that morning. He went back to the fridge his hooves stamping the floor with a little more force than necessary. Swapping out the cheese for another he brought it back to Rarity’s side.

“Excuse me, Miss Rarity,” Anon said with forced politeness, holding up the cheese. “I have your cheddar.”

Rarity thanked him and levitated it up to the counter. Before Anon could put his hoof down, the cheese came floating back. “No, this is Paneer cheese.”

“Pan-what?” Anon squinted at the block of cheese expecting to find something about it that made it so special. Finding nothing, his temper reached the boiling point. “Oh for the love of God! It’s all cheese!”

“It’s not all cheese, Anon. There are different types for different recipes. Now, if you’d be so kind to get the goat cheese, we can continue without further interruptions.”

“I’ll show you, Anon,” Sweetie Belle offered with a kind smile.

Sweetie trotted over to the fridge, opened it and beckoned Anon to come closer. Accepting the lifeline to his sanity, Anon joined Sweetie and stared at the family reunion of cheeses. They aren’t even labelled dammit!

“Sorry about my sister,” Sweetie whispered, tapping on the cheese Anon needed. “I’ve been down this road with her before. She can be a bit... picky with things.”

”Yeah, she’s being a real bitch,” Anon said a little too loudly.

“What was that?!” Rarity called out, dropping the whisk in her magic and turning back to face the pair.

“I said I’m having a real itch!” Anon replied quickly, scratching at his neck.

Rarity looked to Sweetie Belle who forced an innocent smile, confirming Anon’s alibi. Rarity didn’t seem all that convinced, but she went back to her cooking. Anon gave a curious look to Sweetie Belle. He wondered why she covered for him when he insulted her sister. Sweetie Belle simply winked at him and went back to her own station.

Rarity continued to drone on about respect and how to be a gentlecolt as they cooked together. Anon nodded along, merely pretending to listen as he focused on the task at hoof. As they worked, the scent of the fritatta began to fill the kitchen, a blend of eggs, cheese, and vegetables that made his stomach rumble. Despite his frustration, he had to admit that cooking with Sweetie Belle was slightly more tolerable than listening to Rarity lecture him.

A sudden knock at the front door pulled Rarity out of her monologue. She glanced over her shoulder, a hint of irritation flickering in her eyes. "Who could that be? I don’t open for another hour. Sweetie Belle you’re in charge of keeping an eye on Anon," she ordered, trotting out of the kitchen.

“Yeah, whatever, you old skank,” Anon muttered.

Rarity poked her head back in the kitchen. “I beg your pardon?!”

“I said this old place is really swank,” Anon lied.

Rarity glared at him, knowing she didn’t mishear that one, but she chose not to address it. She had company after all.

“Just so you know, Anon,” Sweetie Belle said as she continued to work the stove. “The first two were free. But insult my sister again, and I might accidentally drop this hot pan on you. I know she’s really uptight but she means well. Now get the table set. Breakfast is almost ready.”

Anon made a show of bowing low to Sweetie Belle. "Right away, Chef Ramsay,” he grumbled.

Sweetie Belle tilted her head at Anon. "Chef Ram Say? Who's that?"

A devilish grin formed on Anon’s face as the memories of a certain show flooded his mind.

***

”I had a client in desperate need of my services at Carousel Boutique," Rarity told her circle of friends. “She needed a tear in her dress mended immediately. Of course, I obliged. And as I’m fixing the dress, I hear Anon screaming and yelling all kinds of nonsense from the kitchen!”

“What kind of things was he yelling?” Twilight asked, not really wanting to know.

“Well, I can’t remember everything he said in his hurricane of words…” Rarity said, easily recalling the embarrassment. “But I remember him yelling things such as: Where’s the lamb sauce? It’s raw! It’s, expletive, raw! Expletive, expletive, expletive…”

“Oh my!” Fluttershy squeaked, her hooves covering her mouth at Rarity’s recount of Anon’s tirade. “Just what was Anon doing to Sweetie Belle?”

“That was just my worry as I raced back into my kitchen!” Rarity continued, her voice rising. “There I find Anon holding two slices of bread between my baby sister’s head and demanding her to answer the question, ‘What are you?’ And she answers: an idiot sandwich! An idiot sandwich, darlings! He forced her to say it!”

The room was silent as the gravity of the situation settled in. Fluttershy looked horrified, Applejack's eyes narrowed in anger, and Rainbow Dash's grip on her chair tightened, Pinkie was biting down on her hoof, and Twilight still needed a minute to process the disturbing image Rarity had painted.

“Sweetie Belle must have been very upset,” Fluttershy said, feeling sorry for her and Rarity.

“Surprisingly, she found the whole ordeal quite amusing!” Rarity corrected, her face changing from anger to bewilderment. “Clearly Anon is a bad influence for her!”

Nopony at the table had an answer to that statement. They all looked at each other, wondering the same thing: did Sweetie Belle actually like Anon’s antics?

Twilight found herself feeling a little happy about this. Anon may have made a friend. She just hoped Sweetie Belle could help put him on the right path rather than becoming his partner in crime.

But for now: Score one for friendship!

Author's Note

I wonder who’s gonna be the next one to share their story of Anon?

Don’t want to forget a certain idea so I’m putting it here in code: Please, Love Me!

One Weird Cat

“So, Fluttershy! How did you fare with your time spent with Anon?”

Fluttershy flinched at the suddenness of Twilight's question. She wasn't exactly prepared to tell her tale of Anon's company. Her cheeks grew a gentle shade of pink as she began.

“Well..."

***

Knock, knock, knock!

Fluttershy’s ears perked up at the sudden sound of knocking on her cottage door. She was just in the middle of having her afternoon tea with the company of a badger couple. She set her cup down gently, excused herself to her animal friends, and made her way to the door.

Mr Badger gave an irritated sigh. “I say, why is it every time we settle for a lovely spot of tea, there’s always a spot of bother to go with it? We were just about to embark on a riveting discussion about the ethical implications of acorn hoarding!”

“Ah, yes,” Mrs Badger replied. “How utterly inconvenient for our dear hostess. It’s probably her mentally challenged friend again. Bless her soul, Miss Fluttershy is so patient with her.”

“Are you speaking of the crazy pink one or the rainbow-maned one?” Mr Badger asked, dipping a cookie into his tea. “I for one, truly dislike the rainbow mare. I find her to be as sharp as a bag of wet oats. Not to mention she's too full of her own hot air."

“Harold! You know Miss Fluttershy wouldn’t appreciate you speaking ill of her friends like that!” Mrs. Badger scolded, then gave him a gentle slap to the back of his head for good measure. “You should be ashamed of yourself!

Mr Badger had the decency to look down in shame. “Terribly sorry, dear. Didn’t mean to tarnish our delightful tea time with such slandering language. I shall do better to keep my tongue in check.”

“You most certainly will, or there will be no more cookies for you!” Mrs. Badger said with a stony look that could make a bear apologize for stealing honey. “And that goes for the cookies from my jar as well.”

"Yes, dear!" Mr Badger squeaked.

As Fluttershy approached, the knocking grew louder, almost frantic, as if the visitor was in a hurry. This caused Fluttershy to feel a little worried. Was there a disaster in Ponyville? Was somepony hurt? Or possibly the worst: a salespony trying to sell her something she didn’t want or need. She shuddered at the thought.

With a deep breath to calm her nerves, she swung the door open to reveal Rainbow Dash and a very flustered-looking Anon standing before her.

“Hey, Fluttershy! Buddy! My oldest and dearest friend!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed with what had to be the worst fake smile Fluttershy had ever seen plastered on her face.

“What can I do for you, Rainbow?” Fluttershy asked, having a strong suspicion that her friend wasn’t here for a social visit.

Rainbow’s eyes darted back and forth as she searched for the right words to say. “So, listen, Flutters. I totally don’t mean to just throw this at you, but, well, I’ve got this... situation. Completely unavoidable. And I know it was my turn to have Anon for a bit, but things are just a smidge... hectic in the Wonderbolts’ schedule. Could you maybe take him for me?”

Fluttershy looked from Anon to Rainbow Dash, her expression one of deep disappointment. “Rainbow, you can’t keep avoiding your promise to help Anon. I understand you’re not fond of each other. But he needs to learn from you just as much as he learns from the rest of us.”

“But he’s so weird!” Rainbow Dash blurted out, gesturing to Anon who merely rolled his eyes. ”Apart from talking about this other world stuff. He keeps saying these creepy things. The second I took him off Rarity’s hooves, he looked me right in the eye and asked in this creepy voice, ‘Have the lambs stopped screaming, Clarice?’ I have no clue what he was talking about, but it freaked me the buck out.”

Fluttershy shifted her eyes to Anon, who in turn, stared back at her and shrugged, looking baffled by Rainbow Dash’s rant.

“I...I guess I can take him,” Fluttershy said reluctantly. She wasn’t exactly happy to have Anon unexpectedly arrive early for the week, but he couldn’t be any harder than Discord when she first had him in her home. “But you have to promise to take him next time. Anon isn't just a pet you can drop off whenever you want."

Rainbow Dash’s eyes lit up like a filly who’d just been told they could have an ice cream sundae for dinner. “I swear! I’ll take him next time! Thank you! Bye!”

And with that, she took off before Fluttershy had a chance to change her mind.

Fluttershy and Anon took turns staring and looking away at each other for a moment. Until Anon decided to break the ice. "So... I don't believe we've been properly introduced. I'm Anon. The human turned magical talking baby horse. Taken against my will to be educated on the magic of friendship."

"Yes, I remember you screaming all about that in the first couple of days we found you," Fluttershy said with a nervous smile. "But that's neither here nor there. Would you like to come in for some tea?"

Anon shook his head. “I guess I'll come in since I'll be crashing with you for the week. But save your tea. I was raised in Canada. Not the United Kingdom, eh."

Fluttershy decided not to ask what that meant. She stepped aside and allowed Anon to enter her cottage. The first thing Anon noticed as he stepped in was the tiny stairs on the walls and birdhouses hanging from the ceilings. His curiosity grew as he saw various animals scurrying about, going about their business as if this was their home rather than Fluttershy's.

"Holy Dr Dolittle, Batman," Anon whispered as he took in the whimsical sight of a gerbil strolling down one of the stairs. "What's with the rodent renaissance?"

Fluttershy giggled nervously. "Oh, those are just some of the animals I take care of. They all have their own little homes here." She gestured to the birdhouses. "They're quite shy around strangers, so don't be alarmed if they don't say hello."

Anon nodded slowly. "Yeah... birds aren't exactly extroverts from where I'm from." He looked around, trying to process the scene before him. "So, uh, what's your plan for me?"

"Well..." Fluttershy paused to think about it. She did have some ideas for Anon's stay with her, but she hadn't expected to get him early. "Why don't you just make yourself at home? You can play with the animals if you'd like. I'm sure they'd love the company."

Just as Fluttershy said that, a grizzly bear ambled into the room.Anon felt his whole body freeze and his blood turn cold.

"Great Mother of Winnie the Pooh," Anon whispered, his eyes wide as saucers as the grizzly bear lumbered into the room. He had heard of Fluttershy’s strange ability to communicate with animals, but this was next level. He didn't know whether to scream, cry, or wet himself. Running was out of the question: he knew that much.

Fluttershy giggled again, more confidently this time. "Don't be scared, Anon. This is Harry. He's the nicest bear you'll ever meet, aren't you, Harry?" She said, scratching him behind the ear.

Harry looked at Anon with curiosity and sniffed the air. He looked back to Fluttershy and growled.

"Now, now. Be nice," Fluttershy gently scolded. "I expect you to be treat him as you do all the other guests."

Anon had no idea what Harry just said to Fluttershy. Frankly, he didn't care at all. Harry can call me a whiny little bitch as he pisses in my cereal; I ain't crossing that furry tractor. He took a cautious step back, his heart racing like a blue hedgehog. Sometime, somewhere, he remembered learning how to fend off a bear attack. Your chances of survival were higher if you shoved your arm down the bear's throat, as they were known to have terrible gag reflex. He looked down on his dainty little hooves and gulped. While he wasn't really a fan of them, he would greatly prefer to keep them intact rather than not have them at all.

"Okay, sure. I'll just... uh... I'll just stay over here," he pointed at the corner of the room that seemed the farthest from the bear.

Fluttershy instead beckoned for Anon to come closer. "Don't worry, Harry won't hurt you. He's just a little protective." She looked back at Harry, who rolled his eyes and lumbered out the room.

Anon fainted.

When he came to, he found himself lying on the couch. Fluttershy hovering over him with a wet cloth, looking deeply concerned. "Are you okay?" she asked gently.

"Oh, joy. I pissed myself, didn't I?" Anon replied groggily.

"What? No! No, it's just a damp cloth, see?"

Anon groaned as he pushed himself up from the cushions, his legs wobbly like a newborn foal. "OK then. Then, I'm good. Any other apex predators you got roaming around in your home or just the bear?"

"Oh, Harry's not the only one," she said, dabbing a little more at Anon's brow. "But don't worry. They're all my friends. I have a way with animals. They wouldn't hurt a fly around me."

Anon's eyes grew even wider as he took in the gravity of his situation. "And what about when you're not around?"

"I can't stop predators from being predators. But they know while they're here no one is to eat or be eaten," Fluttershy said assuringly. "But if you're really that nervous, I can ask them to stay outside during your stay. Although I cannot express enough how they won't harm you."

Anon closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. "Against my better judgment, I'll take your word for it. But just incase I'm bathing in pepper water tonight."

Fluttershy chuckled a little at his dramatic tone. "I promise you, Harry is more likely to eat your snacks than you. Now, would you like to help me feed the chickens their dinner?"

Anon's first thought was to say no. He would much prefer the chickens be his dinner. Chickens were one of the most boring animals on his planet and possibly on this one, too. Then he figured it would probably be best to stick with Fluttershy incase she had a basilisk or something around here somewhere.

"Sure, why not?"

The two of them walked outside to the chicken coop, surrounded by a small yard where the chickens were pecking away at the ground. Fluttershy lifted the bag of feed she had slung over her back and began to scatter it around the area. The chickens immediately stopped what they were doing and scurried over, clucking in excitement. Anon watched them peck at their dinner disinterestedly.

"Here," Fluttershy said, holding out a small handful of feed to Anon. "Why don't you give it a try?"

The answer no was tempting again, but instead he sighed, rolled his eyes, and accepted the feed. "Ok, I'll feed these clucking feather balls." He tossed the feed into the yard, and the chickens rushed in. One chicken, a little more adventurous than the others, hopped up to Anon's hoof and looked up at him expectantly.

"She seems to like you," Fluttershy said happily, watching the chicken balance on his hoof.

She'd like me a lot less if her brain wasn't the size of a pebble and knew how big a fan I was of Colonel Sanders, Anon thought to himself as he gently shook the chicken off. It clucked indignantly and strutted away, looking for more food.

As the two of them were making their way back to the cottage, Anon's gaze drifted to a peculiar creature that had appeared on the edge of the yard. He stopped to take in a better look at what it was. It looked like a cat, but it was unlike any feline he had ever seen before. Its eyes were unnaturally large and unblinking, filled with a piercing green that seemed to stare straight into his soul.

"What the...?" Anon whispered under his breath as the peculiar creature began to slink closer. This caused Anon to take several steps back. He looked for Fluttershy to explain this creepy cat, but she had already gone inside. "Fluttershy! There's a crazy-looking cat out here!"

"What's that, Anon?" Fluttershy called.

Anon turned his back to the cat and yelled, "I said: there is one weird-looking cat out here! It looks like- like Applejack's granny or something! I'm not even sure if it's really a cat!"

He looked back to the cat to find it had come closer. Now a good ten feet away, its eyes still wide and unblinking. This was something straight out of a Stephen King novel.

"Be gone, demon from hell!" Anon barked, waving his hoof at it. The creature didn't flinch. If anything, it took another step closer. Seeing how Fluttershy wasn't coming to his aid anytime soon, he shook his head. "Fuck this!"

Anon sprinted back inside and slammed the door shut, followed by a chair under the knob. Forget pepper water. I'm bathing in Holy water tonight.

Author's Note

Next up: Rainbow Dash.
Coded idea for chapter so I don’t forget the ideas: Mom, Can’t Find It! Can’t Stop! Numbing Rage, Wonderbolt, Uniform, Death Stare, Blood will be spilled tonight.

Let There Be Carnage

Author's Note

This may have quite a few spelling and grammar errors, but I’m WAY too tired to edit it right now. But also TOO excited not to post it.

Let There Be Carnage

Rainbow Dash had a reputation for being a late sleeper. No matter how early she promised to be up, she could always be found snoring away, sprawled out on her cloud bed, even when the sun was high in the sky. Her friends had long ago accepted this quirky habit, often joking about it during their early morning meetups. Today, though, Rainbow Dash had set her alarm, not once, but three times to get up early. The sun had barely risen, and she had already eaten breakfast and had plans to hide- visit Canterlot for the day. It was to be her third attempt at avoiding Anon Duty as she called it. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the colt. He was just... too much. So cynical, so mouthy and so insane with his tall tales of being from another dimension.

With her saddlebags already strapped and her packed with a Daring Do book, Rainbow Dash trotted into her kitchen ready to pack a snack for the flight. Her eyes grew wide with surprise when she saw Twilight sitting at her table with Anon at her side munching on an Egg McMuffin.

"Hello, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight said, a little too enthusiastically.

Rainbow Dash froze in the doorway, her wings drooping slightly. “Hey… Twilight,” she greeted back awkwardly.

Twilight had a big smile as she replied, “You look like you’re planning on going on a trip. Hope you’re not forgetting anything.”

Rainbow Dash's heart sank. "Just, um, going to the market for some milk. Nothing special," she said, trying to keep her voice light.

Anon looked up at her, a mouthful of Egg McMuffin threatening to spill out. He took a moment to swallow, then smirked, "Forget it, Lucky Charms. If Twilight can see through my lies, you have a better chance of a Sonic Rainboom coming out of your butt. We are officially stuck with each other for a week.”

“Can it! You little-“

Twilight quickly intervened. “Now, let's not start the day off with harsh words, Rainbow Dash.”

“Me?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, pointing at herself, then at Anon. “He started it!”

“And you should know better to finish it! You’re the adult. He’s the foal.”

“I am an adult,” Anon muttered, more to himself than the mares.

“And just what exactly do you expect me to do with him?” Rainbow Dash asked, still clinging onto the hope she could get out of this.

Twilight knew Rainbow Dash would ask, and she was prepared with a list of activities. “Well, allow me to give you some suggestions,” she said, pulling out a rolled parchment.

“Dun-dun-duuuuun!” Anon exclaimed dramatically, despite the fact this wasn’t going to be fun for him either; he was enjoying the show of watching the show off squirm.

Twilight ignored Anon’s jab and started naming the things they could do together. “Cloudsdale isn’t far. Maybe a trip to the weather factory? And show him around where you grew up. Or you could take him to visit the Wonderbolts Training grounds? Or how about the-"

"Hold on, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash interrupted. "Why do you even have all these plans laid out? Did you expect me to say yes?"

Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a stern stare. “I expect you to keep your promise. You know as well as I do that Anon can’t be left unsupervised. He’s still adjusting to our world, and we’re the best ones to teach him about friendship and responsibility. Besides, we all agreed to take turns watching him for-“

“Fine!” Rainbow Dash threw her hooves up in defeat. “”Fine! I’ll take him to the Wonderbolts Training grounds! Maybe then the team will believe me about how weird this colt is.”

Twilight's gave a genuine smile at this. “That’s the spirit, Rainbow! I'm sure he'll enjoy learning from you about teamwork and discipline. Plus, it'll be good for him to get out of Ponyville for a bit. And maybe he'll learn to appreciate our world more."

And with that, Twilight teleported away.

Rainbow Dash groaned and nodded to herself in defeat. She couldn't argue with Twilight's logic. With a heavy sigh, she turned to Anon. "Alright, you. Let's get going.”

“But I haven’t finished my breakfast yet,” Anon whined, taking a dramatically small bite and chewed slowly. “This might take a while.”

“You’re literally one bite away from finishing it,” Rainbow Dash stated, trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice. “So finish up or I’ll stuff it down your cake hole.”

Anon glared at Rainbow Dash as if he was daring her to try. Both wondered if she would actually do it. Anon decided he wasn’t in the mood to have a battle of will with her; at this time. So, he flipped open his saddlebag and hovered the remainder of his food over it.

Rainbow Dash cocked her head. “What are you- What the hay was that?!”

She didn’t get a good look at what it was. But it was something large, black and furry that shot out of Anon’s bag. It snatched the food and dunked back inside. Rainbow Dash stared in disbelief as the bag twitched before going still.

“That would be my rat Carnage,” Anon said casually, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to keep a large rodent in your bag. “Fluttershy gave him to me.”

“A rat?!” Rainbow Dash’s wings shot up. “Why would Fluttershy give you a rat? And why would you name it Carnage of all names?!”

“Carnage and I bonded over our hatred for a certain cat. I named him after a villain comic book character back from my world,” Anon answered, sliding his hoof into his bag to stroke and coo at his new pet. “Because Carnage never dies, does he? No he doesn’t! No he doesn’t!”

Rainbow Dash facehoofed. Of course Anon would name his pet after something evil. Why would it be anything else?

“Fair warning, colt: if that thing so much as nibbles on my tortoise, you’ll be taking full responsibility for it,” Rainbow Dash said, still eyeing the saddlebags warily.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Anon grumbled, still petting his rat. “Now, if you’re done being a drama queen, can we get going?”

The flight to the training grounds was swift and silent. Rainbow Dash focused on her flying, temporarily easing the dread of the next seven days. Anon had his eyes closed tight, his grip on her neck tightening every time she made a sharp turn. He was obviously not used to high speeds or flying. Rainbow Dash knew it was wrong, but she felt a little smug satisfaction from his discomfort.

They arrived at the Wonderbolts Training Academy just as the early morning training was beginning. The sight of Rainbow Dash landing with an extra passenger on her back caused a small stir among the young recruits. Some whispered, others pointed, and a few even stopped their exercises to stare. Rainbow Dash took in the attention with a cocky grin. However, she was a little nervous about seeing her team. She didn't need the teasing she knew would come from them about her new "responsibility."

“Enjoy the flight?” Rainbow asked cheekily.

“Fly slower next time!” Anon whined as he slid off from Rainbow Dash’s back, his whole body shaking.

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “No can do. You might as well ask me to stop breathing.”

"Yeah, wouldnt want that now, would we?" Anon muttered.

They approached the entrance, and Anon had to admit to himself this place was quite amazing. The grandeur of the place was like nothing he had ever seen. It felt like a castle in the sky, gleaming with the early morning light. Rainbow Dash strutted in confidently, while Anon trailed behind, his eyes wide with wonder.

Before Rainbow had a chance to begin the tour, a sudden voice called out to her. Up the hall she saw Fleetfoot trotting towards them with a curious look on her face. "What brings you here so early and on your time off? And with... a little friend?"

"This is Anon," Rainbow introduced casually. “He’s… uh, a special friend I’m watching over for a bit. So we’re taking a little tour.”

Seeing a sudden chance to embarrass Rainbow in front of her teammate, Anon piped up, “Mommy Dashie has me for a whole week while Mommy AJ is away on business!”

Rainbow’s Dash’s face went from blue to beet red as fast as a lightning bolt.

“You adopted a kid, Crash?” Fleetfoot asked curiously. “Why didn’t you tell us? We would have totally been happy to hear it!”

Rainbow Dash mouthed her mouth to speak but no words came out. She was utterly stunned by Anon’s audacity to tell such a horrendous lie. Anon, sensing another opportunity to mess with Rainbow, went in for the kill.

“Mommy Dashie’s ashamed that I don’t have wingies,” Anon said, his voice full of sadness. “She doesn’t want anyone to know I’m her son. But she still loves me! Right, mommy? Right?”

“No!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, finally finding her voice.

“Wow, Dash,” Fleetfoot said, giving her a dirty look. “I never knew you could be so...”

“I mean no as in he’s not my son!” Rainbow Dash quickly corrected, her face on fire with embarrassment. She glared at Anon, who looked like he was about to cry. “Anon, tell the truth for once in your miserable life!”

“Mommy AJ said to always be honest,” Anon whimpered, giving puppy dog eyes to Fleetfoot.

Fleetfoot looked down at Anon, her heart aching for the poor colt.

“Fleetfoot, he’s lying!” Rainbow Dash insisted, her voice rising with frustration. “I’m not his mom, I’m just babysitting him for Twilight!”

Fleetfoot looked at Rainbow with a disapproving stare. Then looked back down to Anon. “Hey, little buddy. Why don’t we hang out for a bit while your mom,” She threw Rainbow another dirty look, “takes some time to realize what a great son she has?”

Anon sniffed. “Really? Wow, that’s so nice of you. I wish my mom were more like you.”

“Fleetfoot, I swear on my wings-!”

But Fleetfoot gave Rainbow a pure look of venom, making her defense crumble. She then looked to Anon with a warm smile and beckoned him to follow. Rainbow Dash watched them go, her jaw clenched and her eyes blazing with an inferno of fury. She was going to kill that colt.

Anon found hanging out with Fleetfoot was actually a cool experience. Especially when she listed off a few stories of his 'mom’s’ early days as a Wonderbolt. He laughed heartily once she told him the story of how Rainbow got her Wonderbolt nickname. She was just in the middle of explaining how Wonderbolts used to wear armour in the old days when another pegasus came walking up to them.

“Fleetfoot!” The grayish blue stallion said quickly. “We’re due out on the field. We’re about to start training the new recruits!”

“Oh, yeah! That’s right!” Fleetfoot smacked her wing over her face. “I lost track of time! Have you seen Crash anywhere? I gotta get her kid back to her.”

“Crash has a kid?” The stallion asked, astounded by the sudden news.

“Not that she deserves one,” Fleetfoot murmured, before scooping Anon up in her hooves. “I’ll meet you down there in a minute. If you see Crash, tell her I left her son in the daycare.”

Anon’s eyes widened. “Say what now?”

With a strong flap of her wings, Fleetfoot took off down the hallway with Anon in tow. In less than ten seconds they were in front of a door with a wooden sign that read "Wonderbolts Daycare." Fleetfoot seemed to be in too much of a rush to hear Anon’s protesting. She pushed the door open and slid him in. "See ya, kid. Have fun!”

The room was filled with the sounds of laughter and the occasional cry of a young foal. Anon slowly turned around to see his personal pony hell just got cranked up to 11. The walls were a pastel nightmare, with cartoons of birds and butterflies in the clouds. The floor was lined with plushy pillows and stuffed animals, and so many foals. So. Many. Foals.

“Karma, you fickle bitch.”

Those were the first words that came to Anon’s mind as a pegasus mare with a fluffy pink mane and gray coat, approached him with a wide smile.

“Well, hello there, little one! What’s your name?” the Pegasus mare chirped, her voice sticky sweet and cheerful. Anon felt his heart sink even further as she trotted closer. She looked like the kind of pony who had never had a bad day in her life, and certainly not one who would appreciate his brand of humor.

“I’m Anon. Rainbow Dash’s...uh, son,” He stumbled over the words, trying to think of a way out of here. “She’s been showing me around and we kind of got separated. I thought maybe she was in here.” He gave a show of looking around. “But it doesn’t look like it, so I’ll just be going now.”

The mare’s smile didn’t waver. “Oh, no, no, no! You shouldn’t be wandering the halls by yourself! Especially with you being an earth pony! You could easily get hurt or worse!”

Anon’s heart sank even further. He knew he couldn’t just leave the room without causing a scene, and the last thing he needed was to be stuck in a room full of babies and a caretaker all day. He took a deep breath and tried to put on his most charming smile. “It’s okay, I promise. Rainbow Dash is probably just around the corner. She’s really good at finding me when I’m lost. She’s like a homing pegasus.”

But Anon knew if Rainbow Dash came to find him in here, she would most likely leave him to his fate.

“Well, then she’ll find you soon enough, sweetie,” the mare said, her voice dripping with sweetness. She took Anon by his hoof and led him further into the room. “My name’s Cheery Skies by the way. You’re just in time for arts and crafts!”

This was going to be a long, long day. He had to escape this infantile hell soon or Rainbow Dash would never let him hear the end of it. Cheery Skies took him to a small table, surrounded by foals eagerly working on their drawings.

Cheery Skies looked at Anon expectantly. “Now, Anon, honey, are you potty trained?”

It was now Anon’s turn for his face to burn with embarrassment. He had to get out of here. Fast. “Yes!” He replied quickly through gritted teeth. “Yes, I am!”

Cheery Skies nodded, seemingly oblivious to his discomfort. “Good boy. Now, why don’t you sit here and make a lovely picture for your mommy?”

Anon gritted his teeth and took a seat. He looked around the room, searching for anything that could help him escape. His eyes landed on a vent in the corner, maybe he could squeeze in there? But then he remembered this daycare was a good thousand feet in the air; maybe more. The vent could lead to his demise rather than his salvation.

He was about to pick up a crayon and scribble while he thought of a plan, when a little blue filly trotted up to him, holding a picture of what looked like a giant red dragon breathing fire. “Wook wha I dew!” she exclaimed happily.

Anon took a moment to look at it. “Wow... very impressive,” he said, trying to be as friendly as he could. That’s when he noticed how the red dragon had a black muzzle. It reminded him of a certain comic book character… "Carnage!”

The little blue filly looked at him puzzled. “Wa’s carrage?”

“Oh, you’re about to find out,” Anon replied, reaching in his saddlebag and bringing out the currently sleeping black rat. “Wake up, Carnage!” He whispered loudly. The rat yawned, showing off its sharp teeth, and looked around with sleepy eyes.

The filly’s eyes went wide, her little legs started to tremble and before Anon could say anything else, she screamed at the top of her lungs. The room went quiet as everypony turned to look at the disturbance. Anon swiftly but gently put Carnage down on the floor, and leaned back to watch the chaos begin.

“IT’S A RAT!” A filly shrieked, dropping her crayon and sprinting away from the table.

The room erupted in a cacophony of fearful cries as the foals scattered in every direction, their tiny hooves stomping on the soft pillowed floor. Cheery Skies’ eyes bulged in horror as she spun around to see what had caused such a commotion. Spotting Carnage, her smile vanished and was replaced by a look of sheer panic.

“Everypony just stay calm!” Cheery Skies bellowed, her sweet demeanor replaced with terror. She tried to herd the foals together as they bolted in every direction. Some took to the air, their tiny wings flapping in a panic. Others stumbled and tripped over the toys scattered across the floor. Anon felt a little bad for causing this chaos, but they would be fine, he told himself. It was Carnage who needed rescuing now.

Scooping up Carnage and placing him on his back, Anon dashed towards the door. The rat squeaked in protest as he was jostled around. The foals who noticed Carnage in Anon’s grasp gave him a wide birth as he hustled to the door. Cheery Skies was too busy trying to calm the terrified foals to notice Anon leaving them to their hysteria.

Once out in the hallway, Anon took a moment to catch his breath, leaning against the wall. He smirked down at Carnage, who was now wide awake and looking quite pleased with himself. “Well done, Carny!” Anon praised, patting the rat’s head. “You’re officially a real supervillain now. Now we find the walking pride flag, play the sick card and get the hell out of here.”

But finding Rainbow Dash was proving to be a lot harder than it sounded. Oddly enough, Anon couldn’t find anyone in the vast corridors of the Wonderbolts Training Academy. It was as if they all had just up and left. Anon wasn’t too worried about it though. He knew Twilight would chew Rainbow out if she left him here.

While the minutes ticked by, Anon began to feel a pressing need that grew more and more uncomfortable. He had to pee. Badly. He looked around for a bathroom sign, but all he saw were portraits of pegasi in various poses. Now he was starting to worry. Was there something about pegasus physiology that meant they didn’t need bathroom breaks?

Seeing he would have to come up with an alternative, Anon pushed open the closest door to him and peeked inside to find what appeared to be somepony’s office. Spotting a small trash can in the corner, Anon made a split-second decision. He carefully placed Carnage back in his saddlebag and hurried over to the bin, hoping to relieve himself quickly before anypony could walk in.

He had barely let out his sigh of relief when the door flew open. One look was all Anon needed to know who this pony was. Fleetfoot showed him her portrait in the halls along with tales of how tough and unforgiving she was. It was none other than the legendary Spitfire herself; her fiery mane blazed with the same intensity as her stare.

Anon could only scream in terror as Spitfire stared right at him with an emotionless expression on her face.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” Anon cried, wishing he could cut off his stream, but it just kept coming! So he did the only thing he could; he resumed screaming for his life. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! I! CAN’T! STOP!”

Until finally, Anon's stream trickled to an end. He slowly tilted the bucket back down with the sound of his urine splashing around inside. Knowing he was completely screwed, Anon tried to give an innocent smile as he leaned on the bucket. “So… how you doing?”

Before Spitfire could utter a single word, Anon's trembling hooves lost their grip on the bucket. It slipped from under him, toppling it over and sending a golden wave across the pristine office floor. The smell of fear and embarrassment mixed with the faint scent of apple juice that lingered in the room.

“Hmmm,” Spitfire finally spoke, sounding awfully calm despite the situation. She looked down at her floor as she rubbed her chin. “Not sure how to answer that… You know?” Spitfire walked around the puddle, took her seat at her desk and leaned back. She didn’t even so much as glance at him. “I’m feeling rather numb with rage…? I’m gonna take some time to process this. Good day.”

Anon looked at her, utterly baffled. Yet, he wasn’t going to look this gift horse in the mouth. He took one small step towards the door. Then another. Then another. Then he full-on sprinted out the door, down the hall, desperately hoping to find Rainbow Dash so she can get him out of here!

Spitfire had never struck a foal in her life but today could be the day. Legend says on that very day, Spitfire’s enraged scream had reached all the way to Canterlot.

Apples

“And since Anon decided to pull a disappearing act, Spitfire made me come and clean up the mess!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, still feeling the burn of secondhand shame. "Anon’s bladder has got to be the size of a basketball!”

Pinkie Pie's muffled laughter failed to go unnoticed through the room, her hooves covering her mouth as she tried to stifle her amusement at Rainbow Dash's story.

"It's not funny, Pinkie!" Rainbow snapped.

Pinkie Pie's laughter bubbled over, her eyes watering. "Oh, come on, Dashie," She giggled, "You've gotta admit it's a little bit funny."

“Where did you end up finding him?” Twilight asked, wondering where Anon could possibly have hidden so well in such a place.

“I found him near the top of the mountain edge. Little sucker got stuck trying to climb down. He could have gotten himself killed for Celestia’s sake!” Rainbow Dash slumped back in her seat with a disgruntled whinny. "Anyways, how did the green demon screw up your week, Applejack?" She asked, looking to shift the focus on her.

***

”Apples! Get your fresh and delicious apples here!”

Anon almost wanted to cry from the boredom he felt as he stood in front of Applejack’s stall. When Applejack told him they were going to do work today, he thought she meant by working on the farm. Not standing around and trying to sell fruit to passersby. He also felt like Vince Offer from being made to wear an apron.

"Do you really have to scream to the world that you’re selling apples?” Anon complained. “I knew from my first week here that you sold apples. So I’m dead sure everyone else in town does, too."

Applejack looked at him with a bemused smile. “How do you think we get our customers, city slicker? By whispering sweet nothings to the wind?"

“We get our customers by putting up a sign stating we’re open. That’s how,” Anon replied dryly, trying to tug at the uncomfortable apron strings.

“Well, you never know who might be new to Ponyville or just passing through. We’ve got to make sure everypony knows where to get the best apples in town!”

“Your whole entire family is literally the sole producer of the apples in Equestria!”

“And that’s exactly why we need to stand out, friend’!” Applejack winked, her enthusiasm unflagging even under the blazing sun. “Besides, there’s more to it than just hollerin’ to the pony folk. It helps if you also greet every pony that passes by with a smile and a little chit chat.”

Anon blew out a raspberry. He should have known better than to try and talk sense into the hillbilly. Applejack had a way of making everything sound like an adventure, but this was pushing it.

“Can I go wait at Twilight’s or something? I’m pretty sure I’d be more useful there. Maybe I could, I dunno… organize her bookshelves or something,” Anon suggested, his eyes drifting towards the castle.

Applejack wasn’t letting him go that easily. “Maybe if you put some effort into the work, you wouldn’t be bored. Plus, I’m sure Twilight’s got enough books to organize without you messing up her system. Now try putting on a nice and welcoming face, okay?”

Anon put on his best, I don’t want to be here, but I’m forced against my will, smile. Applejack nodded approvingly and went back to announcing how juicy and fresh the apples were. Soon as she did, Anon dropped his smile and went back to looking bored. Listening to AJ’s constant yammering about apples was starting to give him a headache. As if on instinct, Anon picked up an apple and chucked it straight at the back of her head.

Applejack whipped around, looking extremely vexed.

Anon immediately pretended to look shocked. “Oh, no!” He spoke out in an Irish accent, thinking it would make him sound more innocent. When really, it was only assuring AJ that he threw the apple. “Did you not see them? It looked to be an angry customer! You must have sold them some rotten apples or somethin’!” He pointed down the street. “The terrorist ran that way! It was a run-by fruiting!”

Applejack’s expression didn’t change. “Anon, trust me when I tell you: the more you lie, the deeper the hole you’re gonna dig yourself in.” She proceeded to grab him by his apron strings and pulled him to her side. “I’m gonna show ya just how easy it is to be nice and have it pay off. See that old mare coming down the street? Watch this."

Anon sat down as the old mare drew closer. No doubt this was going to crank up the boredom as the old mare told stories of her cats.

“Howdy, ma’am!" Applejack greeted the old mare. "Does your mother know if her daughter be getting her much needed nutrition?”

“I should think so since she can’t do a thing without me,” the old mare replied tiredly, gesturing to an old mare in a wheelchair that escaped Applejack’s line of sight.

Applejack and Anon both shared the same reaction when they laid eyes upon the elder mare. Their jaws dropped and eyes widened. She was indeed the most shrivelled up and ancient pony they had ever seen. Her fur was a faded black, her body so small and thin, one could easily count her ribs, and her eyes were clouded with the weight of the majority of a century.

“What? What did she say?” The elder mare screeched in an unbelievably deep and raspy voice. It made Anon convinced that cigarettes could definitely be bought and sold in Equestria.

“Nothing, ma!” The old mare practically shouted in her mother’s ear.

“What are they selling?” her mother demanded.

“Apples!!”

“What!?”

“THEY’RE SELLING APPLES!”

“Apples?”

“YES!”

“Why are you buying apples? We don’t have any teeth!”

“I’M NOT BUYING APPLES!” The old mare screamed, continuing down the road with her raisin of a mother.

“What? What did you say!?”

“Nothing, ma!”

“You just can’t wait for me to die, can you!?”

Applejack pulled her hat over her face in shame while Anon spent the next ten minutes rolling and laughing on the street. He laughed so hard he could hardly breathe, and his stomach ached.

“Alright, Anon," Applejack said defeatedly. "You had your laugh. Now please get up and at least try to act professional.”

“What?” Anon replied, his voice an imitation of the elder mare. “What did you say?!”

The fifth day of Anon’s time with Applejack and her family was coming to a close. Anon sat at the dinner table with Applejack, Big Mac, Granny Smith and Apple Bloom. The dinner served up was veggie tacos and hay fries. Everyone was nearly finished with their meal except for Anon. He already forced himself to try the hay fries, which turned out to be rather decent, but one bite of the veggie taco made him want to puke.

Applejack noticed his lack of enthusiasm for the taco and mentally braced herself for the fight that was about to ensue. "Is everything okay with your food, hon?" she asked him, trying to sound concerned rather than accusatory.

Anon took a sip of his cider, using the pause to muster up a lie. "It's all great, Applejack. Just really full from those hay fries," he replied, sounding as nonchalant as possible.

“That a fact?” Applejack drawled, raising an eyebrow as she scrutinized Anon’s plate. The barely-eaten taco lay there, the colorful veggies looking as vibrant as ever. “Just find it a lil’ funny since you were complaining not twenty minutes ago about how hungry you were.”

Anon knew this little girl’s absolute fantasy land found him ill-mannered and disrespectful, but tonight he was feeling stand-offish. He was indeed still hungry, especially after AJ had him doing farmwork all day since the crack of dawn. He really didn’t appreciate being literally dragged out of bed by Apple Bloom; the filly was a lot stronger than she looked. And while the breakfast served was delicious pancakes, he didn’t get the time to really savor them as he was expected to be outside and working before the syrup could cool.

Anon wasn’t a stranger to hard work back in his world. His mother had always said he was guilty of every sin but sloth. Now, as a foal, everything was so much more intense. What made it worse was Applejack was by his side the entire time. While he appreciated her help, he did not in fact appreciate the lectures of friendship and honesty. Anon honestly believed if honesty was a pony, AJ would make out with it right in front of Rainbow Dash.

Feeling his blood coming to a boil, Anon took another sip of his drink; he didn’t trust his mouth right now. He had to admit, the Apple family had been nothing but welcoming and kind, but the constant reminders of his new limitations were starting to get to him. He was too tired for any more of this day.

“I think I’m gonna go turn in early,” Anon said, pushing his plate away.

He stood up to hop down from his chair, but Granny Smith stopped him. “Hold on, young’un,” she said firmly. “We ain’t the type of family to just waste good food like that.”

Anon froze, looking down on the floor, feeling the weight of everyone’s gaze on him. Let it go, old timer, Anon bitterly thought. You should have died years ago.

“Granny, please. I have this under control,” Applejack interjected, placing a comforting hoof on her grandma’s foreleg. She turned back to Anon. “Look, I know it’s a bit of an adjustment, but we gotta eat to keep up our strength for tomorrow’s chores. Just take a few bites now so you don’t end up feeling hungry in the middle of the night.”

Anon closed his eyes before letting out a deep sigh. He kept his focus on the floor as he replied, “I don’t want to eat the damn veggie taco, alright?” The words slipped out before he could stop them.

The room fell into a tense silence. Applejack’s expression shifted from concern to disappointment, while Granny’s tightened into a stern look. With his frustration now loosened, Anon lifted his head back up to them.

“Now, young colt, you watch your language at my dinner table,” Granny warned.

“Granny!” Applejack whispered urgently. “I said I got this!”

Ignoring Granny’s glare, Applejack turned back to Anon. “Alright, you don’t have to eat it. It’s not like it’ll go to waste. Perhaps you’d like a sandwich before bed?”

“You mean an idiot sandwich?” Apple Bloom remarked, giggling into her hoof.

Any other day Anon would have laughed proudly seeing how his reference from home was traveling. But tonight, he couldn’t be any less interested. He was officially done with it all.

“Shut up, Apple Bloom!” Anon snapped.

Apple Bloom’s giggling abruptly stopped. She narrowed her eyes at Anon. “Make me!”

Big Mac looked from AJ, to Apple Bloom, then at Anon. This colt was proving to be as stubborn as AJ. He figured he should probably step in and take Anon out the room, maybe have some guy talk, but AJ had already declared this was her rodeo. He tried it before, but all he got in return was a shot to the face. Buck it, he thought to himself as he reached over and took Anon’s taco. He paid for his ticket. May as well watch the show.

“Alright, that’s enough!” she said firmly, throwing her hooves out between Anon and Apple Bloom. “It’s been a long day for everypony, so let’s not start throwing insults around like they’re going out of style. Apple Bloom, go finish your homework. Anon, make sure you wash up before bed. Granny, I’ll take care of the dishes. Big Mac, you, uh…”

Big Mac nodded in understanding and left the room along with the rest of the family.

But Anon was far beyond reasoning now. He actually wanted a fight and he didn't care with who. “Quit telling me what to do!”

“There ain’t any need for such a bad attitude,” Applejack stated, her expression darkening.

Anon’s eyes met hers, and the defiance was clear. “Whatcha gonna do about it? Tell your mom? Oh, wait!”

Applejack’s eyes bulged, and the room grew colder than a winter's gale. Her voice was low, a warning rumble like distant thunder. "Anon, I know you just didn’t go there.”

“Oh, I went there alright! I went there, checked into a hotel, took pictures, came back, and made a neat little scrapbook! I even got you a souvenir! Here it is!” Anon raised his hoof up at her, completely forgetting he didn’t have fingers anymore. “Oh wait…”

“I ain’t waiting on nothing!” Applejack snarled, advancing on Anon, her hooves stomping on each step.

“Bring it!” Anon challenged, raising his hooves showing he was ready for a fight.

Applejack didn’t bat an eye. She kept coming towards him with a fire in her eyes.

Oh, crap! She’s actually bringing it! Anon thought in a panic. Help me Lord! Help me Johnny Appleseed! Help me Steve Jobs!

***

I’m mighty ashamed of how I lost my temper like that. Just as soon as he spoke about my mother, all I saw was red.”

Applejack wasn’t looking at any of her friends around the table as she told the story of what happened that night. They couldn’t look at her either. Not out of anger or disappointment, but because they understood Applejack was the one who drew the short straw. Anon had finally released all the frustration he’d been holding in, and she had gotten the brunt of it.

Twilight had to ask, “You didn’t actually… hit him, did you?”

“No, but I wanted to. Celestia help me, I wanted to give him a good thrashing,” Applejack admitted, her face flushing with the memory. “He ran out of the house before I got close enough to even touch him.”

“You can’t be feeling guilty for wanting to strangle the colt,” Rainbow Dash replied. “I’ve felt like that more times than I can count when he was with me.”

“Well, the fact is, you didn’t, and that’s what counts, AJ,” Twilight offered, trying to ease AJ’s guilt.

Rainbow Dash shot her a look that clearly said, "Way to miss the point, nerd."

“You said Anon ran out of the house,” Fluttershy spoke up, her voice barely above a whisper. “Did he come back?”

“Of course he came back, Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed happily, trying to inject some positive energy into the conversation. ”He spent the next week with me after all!”

Applejack shook her head. “He didn’t come back that night. Took me awhile to find him before I found him sleeping in the CMC’s clubhouse. Went back home, came back with a blanket and some sandwiches. Next morning he came back. I wanted to have us apologize to each other, but he said he would much prefer it if we pretended last night never happened.”

“And you just let him have his way like that?” Rainbow asked, appalled.

Applejack nodded. “The colt came up to me with bloodshot eyes. It was obvious he’d been crying, so I wasn’t pushing for Round 2. Looked like he needed more time to cool off, and I figured I did too. So, we went to work. All I ever said to him from then on was directions on chores. And all he said in return was a simple, ‘Got it,’. Then you came along, Pinkie. I’m mighty curious how your week was with him.”

Pinkie Pie suddenly felt very nervous as all eyes were on her now. Mr and Mrs Cake were already upset with her. And quite a few others.

"Um... pass?"

Pinkie Pie's voice was unusually high-pitched as she held up her hooves in a mock surrender, her cheeks turning a slightly brighter shade of pink than usual. The room was thick with tension, and the laughter that had filled it moments ago was replaced by a heavy silence.

"What did Anon do, Pinkie?" Twilight asked, knowing her loose cannon friend was not going to have an acceptable story. "Or should I be asking: What did you and Anon do?"

"We had fun...?" Pinkie Pie offered with a guilty smile.

Twilight's eyes narrowed.

Author's Note

Gotta love SpongeBob. Wanted to add the: chocolate? Chocolate! CHOCOLATE! part, but putting it in would be forcing it.

Can't wait to post Pinkie's chapter!

A Shower of Insanity

”I just can’t wait to do all the fun things I have planned for us! I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time! Did you know I wanted to be the first to hang out with you? But Twilight said I couldn’t spring too much excitement on you as you got adjusted to Ponyville! I tried convincing her that…”

Pinkie Pie’s voice was a tornado of excitement, swirling around Anon, failing to draw him in. He had just been dragged out of bed in the Apple’s home for the last time. This time, instead of having a good breakfast, he had breakfast forcibly served to him in bed. In other words, Pinkie shoved a cupcake in his open mouth as he slept. He woke up choking, eyes watering, his muzzle covered in frosting. Pinkie Pie only giggled and pushed a glass of milk in his hooves.

Anon drank the cool liquid down before he even recognized the taste of milk. Once his throat was clear, he gave the pink horse a venomous glare. “Just what the actual fuck is wrong with you?! You pink psycho bitch!”

“Pink psycho bitch?” Pinkie Pie repeated slowly, then let out a hearty laugh. “Hey! That’s a new one! I’ve never been called that one before! That’s definitely going in my book of the things I’ve been called!” Seemingly out of nowhere, Pinkie brought out a notebook and jotted it down using a pencil held in her mane. “Pink… psycho… bitch! Delivered by Aaron… James… Anthony! There! Not five minutes in and we’re already making memories!”

Anon blinked. He could hardly believe his pony ears. “So you ponies can say my name right!”

Pinkie shut her notebook and made it disappear behind her back. “What’s that, Anonnie?”

“My name! You said Aaron! My actual name! The whole time you ponies acted like it was harder than pronouncing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”

“We’ve been saying Anon wrong?” Pinkie asked, tilting her head. “Are you sure?”

Anon opened his mouth to unleash a rant on her stupidity and naïveté, but he decided to let it go with a deep breath. He just wasn’t in the mood to deal with this autistic pony so early in the morning. Though he would have liked to slap the shit out of her for the rude awakening she had given him, but he assumed her brain wouldn’t understand the concept of pain. Hopping out of bed, he dragged his hooves to the bathroom, the weight of his new reality still managing to pull him down.

He got in the shower, trying to scrub away the frosting that clung to his face. Since he already had a soapy shower last night, he decided to take the time to let the hot water cascade over him. The heat and pressure of the water helped him to relax a little, washing away the tension he was feeling for his starting week with Pinkie.

Anon closed his eyes and took another calming breath. The water pressure working a miracle on his back, he allowed his thoughts to drift. He supposed he would need to apologize properly to Applejack before he left with Pinkie. She didn’t deserve that low blow he delivered. If it was AJ who spoke ill of his mom, he would have exploded with rage. He had gotten lucky with Applejack not demanding an apology. Still, he had to set things right. Right now though, the shower was amazingly soothing. It was like it was giving him a massage from an angel.

“Feeling better now?” Pinkie suddenly spoke from behind him.

Anon let out an involuntary whinny. He hadn't even heard Pinkie enter the bathroom, yet somehow, she had gotten in the shower with him while wearing a shower cap.

"Pinkie, what the hell?!" He sputtered, instinctively grabbing the shower curtain to cover himself.

“What’s wrong, Anonnie?” Pinkie asked, smiling innocently.

Anon's face was beet red, whether from embarrassment or the heat of the shower, it was hard to tell. “I’m na-“ Anon suddenly remembered he was naked the second he arrived in Equestria. Along with literally every other sentient species. He let the curtain fall. Still, he couldn’t help feeling violated. “What are you doing in here?”

“I don’t need my Pinkie Sense to see you have some serious tension in your back. I figured you wouldn’t be able to have fun with such a problem so, as a good friend should, I’m here to help!!” Pinkie said cheerfully, ignoring his squeamishness. She pulled out a loofah and a bottle of bubblegum-scented body wash. “Also, you missed a spot on your back!”

“Do you have voices inside your head or something?” Anon asked, hardly able to believe he was truly having this conversation in the shower of all places.

“Oh I have all kinds of voices giving me good ideas!” Pinkie said as she began to lather the loofah. “Do this, Pinkie! Do that, Pinkie! Bake Rainbow Dash into cupcakes, Pinkie! But that one didn’t sound like a good idea at all, so I ignored it!”

Anon scrambled out the shower before Pinkie could touch him. “Pinkie, you’re freaking me out!”

Pinkie poked her head out from behind the shower curtain, with a pure look of confusion. “You don’t like the scent of bubblegum?”

Once again Anon had to remind himself there was no point in getting upset with Pinkie. One didn’t have to know her long to see she was different. He grabbed a towel and quickly dried himself off best he could, trying to escape the awkwardness of the situation. Not even twenty minutes in and she was proving to be more intolerable than Rainbow Dash.

Knock, knock, knock!

“Everything OK in there?” Applejack’s voice came through the door.

“No!” Anon yelled. “Call Chris Hansen! Tell him we got a live one here!”

Pinkie Pie disappeared behind the curtain She wasn't going to let the soap go to waste. “Who's Crisp Fashion?” She asked curiously. "Sounds like somepony Rarity would know."

After bidding farewell to Applejack along with a heartfelt apology, she and Anon shared a brief hug. Or rather it was supposed to be brief. Just as AJ bent down to hug him, Anon found himself drawn towards the affectionate act and pulled her in tight. It had been a long time since anyone hugged him. He missed the action more than he realized.

Applejack patted his back gently. She whispered a few words of comfort and reassurance into his ear letting him know he was forgiven. Then she had to ask Anon to let go. He finally released her with a blush on his face. He wanted to die on the spot when he said goodbye, because instead of using her name, he slipped up and said ‘mom’.

Before AJ could react Anon sped down the road with Pinkie Pie bouncing behind him.

A small part of Anon wanted to stay on the farm. There was purpose here. The rest of him knew there was no place for him here. Just like all the other places in Equestria. He would either wake up from this dream/nightmare or wait until he was old enough to go out on his own. Where would he go? There was time to work that out, but the thought of it scared him. One thing for sure was it wouldn’t be here. How could it be? This was a place for family and friends.

The sun was high in the sky by the time Anon and Pinkie arrived at Sugarcube Corner. The smell of freshly baked cookies and warm apple cider wafted out the door and hit him like a warm embrace. It was comforting, but not nearly as much as the apple orchard. Pinkie told him she had a surprise trip for him and took him up to her bedroom to pack a few more things she forgot.

As he was coming back from the bathroom, Anon heard faint whispers of laughter and giggling coming from a nearby room. His curiosity piqued, he looked inside the room where the sound was coming from. The sight took him by surprise. There were two foals sitting in a crib together. Actual foals. Babies. Whether he never really noticed babies in Ponyville or if this was a rare sight, he wasn't sure.

Anon decided to get a closer look at them and stepped in the room. One was a unicorn, the other a pegasus. They looked at him with curiosity, their little snouts twitching. Anon would deny it to anyone who would ask, but he felt his heart melt a little. He hadn’t been around kids much in his world, let alone babies. They were so pure, so innocent. He took a step closer, and the pegasus baby looked away, shyly hiding its face behind its hooves. The unicorn one began to cry a little.

"Aw, don't be like that," Anon said softly, reaching a gentle hoof towards the crying unicorn foal.

Maybe a little nursery rhyme will calm them down, he thought, and began to sing a simple tune he remembered from his own childhood. The foal's cries turned into sniffles as he softly sung.

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Anon's going to buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Anon's going to buy you a diamond ring..."

How did it go again? For the life of him, he couldn't remember. May as well finish it up best way he knew how.

"And if that diamond ring gets… sold… Anon's gonna feel like... a real asshole."

The foals giggled at his song, their little laughs melodious and pure. It was a sound that could brighten even the darkest of days. The pegasus foal poked its head out from behind its hooves, and the unicorn one grabbed Anon's hoof. He was surprised to find himself actually smiling at their reaction, feeling a strange bond forming with the foals. They were so tiny and full of life, a stark contrast to his own. Then life decided to throw him another curveball.

"Assshh... hooooole," the unicorn foal attempted to repeat Anon's improvised ending to the nursery rhyme.

Anon felt a wave of panic wash over him as he realized what he'd just done. "Nooo!" Anon whisperd, shaking his head. "No-no-no-no! Don't say that! That's bad words! You're gonna get Anon in some deep shit!"

"Deeeee shhhiiiiit," the pegasus foal echoed.

Anon's eyes went wide with horror. "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!" he whispered, trying to keep his voice low. The last thing he needed was for Pinkie to hear him teaching baby ponies to swear. He looked around frantically trying to think of how to stop them, but all he could do was watch as the two foals giggled and babbled away.

"Assshh... hooooole."

"Stop it!" Anon said through gritted teeth. "Say Casserole! Come on! Caaaasss... errroooole! Isn't that more fun to say?"

"Assshh... hooooole."

"Shush!"

"Deeeee shhhiiiiit."

"Sea ship! For the love of God! Say sea ship, kid! Seeeeeaaaa shhhiiiiiiip! Please!" Anon begged in a hushed tone, his eyes darting to the door, fearing Pinkie could walk in any second. Or worse their mother.

But the foals only continued to giggle and babble the words that was going to make their parents bury him alive. Anon felt a bead of sweat roll down his forehead. What if this was their first words? This was not going to end well for him. He had to get back to Pinkie and make her hurry her up with the packing.

"Pinkie!" He called, trotting back down the hall trying to sound casual. "We should get going now or we'll miss the train!"

Pinkie popped out of her bedroom, her suitcase bouncing on her back. "Alrighty! Let's go!"

The two of them left Sugarcube Corner with the foals still giggling and repeating the words. Anon couldn't shake off the feeling of dread. He hoped that their mother had a good sense of humor. Or maybe she wouldn't believe she wasn’t hearing them right. All he could do now was hope Pinkie’s planned trip would last the whole week. Maybe by the time they got back, the foals would have caught on to some more appropriate words.

Anon involuntary shuddered as he thought of the ‘A’ word: Appropriate. How he detested it. Despite his dirty mouth, that was the one word that felt real dirty.

They boarded the train and found their seats. Pinkie sat across from Anon smiling excitedly at him. It was a smile that could light up a room, but to Anon it was somewhat eerie. It was the smile of a pony who had just been told the world was made of ice cream and she had the only spoon.

“Would you mind not staring at me like that?” Anon asked.

Pinkie’s smile only grew. “Like what?”

“Like I’ve been deep fried and covered in chocolate,” Anon said, annoyed he had to actually explain this to a grown mare.

“Well, you are edible, Anon! Even I’m edible! In fact…” Pinkie stood up on her seat and spoke in an hollering tone, gesturing to all the other ponies around them the train. “Everypony on this train is edible!” All eyes went wide and were now staring at Pinkie in shock and fearing for their lives. ”But that is called cannibalism! Which is frowned upon by the majority of Equestria!”

The ponies slowly looked away still feeling a bit concerned they chose the wrong day to take the train.

Anon groaned, rubbing his temples; or rubbing the spot where he had temples. He knew very little of his own biology and it was vexing when he was reminded about it. He was starting to regret hustling Pinkie out the door. Maybe if the foal’s mom busted him, he would be ‘punished’ by having this trip cancelled.

At least he wouldn’t have to endure it alone. Flipping open his saddlebag, he let Carnage climb out and lay beside him.

A whole week with Pinkiewise the Dancing Pony. God help me.

Author's Note

I stopped it here because this was starting to feel like a chapter on its own due to the length and outline. I also have quite a bit of shenanigans to write and I felt like it would clash with this chapter. For the record I’m not a self insert guy. Aaron just sounded closest to Anon.

And this was supposed to strictly be a comedy guys! A series of one shots of comedic stories! Your comments are making me add these sad moments. This keeps up I’m gonna have to add a sad tag.

Warning for next chapter: Anon is going to have his coat turned pink. And Pink Anon is Crazy Anon. Gonna have quite the movie references for it.

It's Just a Prank, Bro!

"Can I take the blindfold off now?"

"Not yet!" Pinkie sang, her voice echoing off the walls, hinting to Anon they were somewhere vast and grand.

To the best of his knowledge they were in a place called Canterlot. Something he easily found out from the other ponies conversations during the train ride. He knew very little of the place except that it was where the two alicorns, Celestia and Luna lived. The moment they arrived at the train station, Pinkie Pie tied the blindfold on him and lifted him on her back.

Anon could only rely on his hearing as Pinkie bounced to wherever it was she was taking him. The sounds of elegant ponies with their clipped accents filled his ears, their conversations a mix of giggles and gossip that floated through the air like a fine perfume. The cobblestone streets beneath them reverberated with the clack of hooves, the occasional jingle of bells, and the distant sound of a quartet playing a cheerful tune. He wondered if he hit his head somewhere and was now riding on Rarity's back.

Later on Anon began to hear something else. The steady clanking of metal grew clearer as they moved. Then everything went quiet.

"Alright, you can look now!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

Swiftly taking the blindfold off, Anon was immediately dazzled by a burst of light. Blinking rapidly, his eyes slowly adjusted to the grandeur before him. They were standing in a large room with walls adorned with gleaming gold leaf and floor-to-ceiling windows that revealed a stunning view of Canterlot's bustling cityscape. The room was filled with elegant furniture upholstered in the softest fabrics, a fireplace and the floor was made of a polished stone that gleamed like a freshly minted coin under the crystal chandelier's glow. It was unlike anything he had ever seen.

Anon let out a low whistle. "Pretty swank hotel room, Pinks!"

"Oh, this isn't a hotel, Anon," Pinkie corrected, her eyes twinkling with excitement. "We're staying in Canterlot Castle!"

"Seriously?" Anon asked, not sure he could believe it. "Like, the actual castle?"

"Yuperooni!" Pinkie bobbed her head with a grin. "Saving Equestria does have its perks!"

Anon looked around in amazement, his eyes wide. He had heard tales of Canterlot's grandeur, but he never thought he'd actually set hooves in the castle. While it was indeed impressive, he still preferred the farmhouse. But he wasn't about to insult Pinkie's generosity. He set his saddlebag down and Carnage poked his head out, sniffing his new surroundings.

Pinkie looked at him expectantly, waiting for a reaction. Anon figured he should give what she was hoping for. He made himself smile wide and said, "This is totally amazing!"

"I knew you'd love it!" Pinkie exclaimed, beaming with joy.

She began to show Anon around the luxurious suite, pointing out the plush bed with more pillows than he had ever seen, the grand bathtub that looked like a small pond, and the walk-in closet that seemed to have enough room to host a small party. Each detail was met with a nod of approval or a quiet remark for Pinkie, but Anon couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't his place. Carnage appeared to be more appreciative of the surroundings as he chewed on a pillow.

"Alright, now that we're all settled," Pinkie announced, "It's time for some shut eye!"

Anon looked outside the window to see the sun still high in the sky. "Are you for real?"

Pinkie nodded vigorously. "Sure am! We got a big night ahead of us! So we're gonna need to get some sleep if we wanna be on top of our game!"

"Big night?" Anon asked skeptically.

"You'll see! Now off to bed!"

"But I'm wide awake!" Anon protested, glancing at the sunlit sky. It wasn't totally true. The long train ride had him somewhat tired, but not enough to go to bed.

"Would a nice, warm glass of milk help?"

"Warm milk hurts my teeth."

"Lullaby?"

"Do I look like a baby to you? Don't answer that!"

"I can put you in a sleeper hold?"

Anon blinked. "You can do that?"

"Only if you want me to," Pinkie offered, stretching her forelegs as if getting ready to apply it. "Been awhile since I've done it, but I'm pretty sure I could still knock you out with my fancy neck hug!"

Anon chuckled, shaking his head. "Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather not end up paralyzed."

Pinkie pouted for a moment before her expression brightened. "How about we chat until you fall asleep?"

Knowing Pinkie just wasn't going to quit, Anon let out a sigh and reluctantly agreed. He picked up Carnage and went to lay down on the bed, which felt like he was lying on a cloud, and propped his head up with his hooves. Carnage began chewing on the bed sheets.

"So," Pinkie started, laying beside him. "What's on your mind?"

Anon stared at the intricate patterns on the ceiling, contemplating. Should he give an honest answer of how he feared the future? Or should he keep it light-hearted like the atmosphere in the room? He decided Pinkie wouldn't be the one to understand what he was really feeling. So he chose the latter.

"Just wondering how I'm gonna get any sleep with you right next to me," Anon answered truthfully.

Pinkie's laugh filled the room, and she gave him a gentle nudge. "Tell me about your human world."

"Thought none of you believed me," Anon quipped, feeling irritated on how Pinkie wanted to talk about the topic he deliberately chose to avoid.

"I never said I don't believe you," Pinkie said, her tone earnest. "I know all the others doubt your story, but I've seen some pretty weird stuff in my life. That being said, I'd love to hear more about yours!"

Anon closed his eyes, deciding to indulge her curiosity. "It's complicated, Pinks."

"I'm all ears!" Pinkie said, her own perked up with excitement.

A waterfall of memories cascaded through Anon's mind as he began to speak of his human life. He talked about the mundane aspects, like the feeling of grass under his bare feet and the taste of pizza—things Pinkie could never truly understand. He shared stories of how he used to stay up all night playing video games, how schools worked, and the bittersweet nostalgia of raindrops on a car window. Carnage had long ago abandoned the bed sheets for Anon's shoulder.

Pinkie listened intently. Every now and then, she would ask a question or make a comment that showed she was trying to grasp the human experience, but it was clear that her imagination was stretching its limits. Anon's heart felt a strange warmth in his chest. It had been so long since he'd talked about his past, and even though Pinkie couldn't relate, she was making an effort to understand.

After nearly two hours of talking on his end, Anon was starting to feel the weight of his eyelids. He'd answered questions ranging from "What is a smartphone?" to "What's the point of cars when wagons worked just fine?" with varying degrees of success. Pinkie's curiosity was as boundless as the sea, but his energy was waning.

"I think it's your turn to talk now, Pinkie," Anon said, yawning. He felt the softness of the pillow enveloping his head as he sank into it.

Pinkie bobbed her head. "Alrighty, what do you want to know?"

Anon was asleep before Pinkie could finish her question. She looked at him with a smile, his breathing slow and rhythmic. She knew he needed the rest. They all had a big night ahead, and she didn't want him to be sluggish. She gently removed Carnage from his shoulder and placed him on the pillow beside him. The little creature was already fast asleep.

Pinkie looked around the suite, feeling the excitement build in her chest. They were in Canterlot Castle, and she had the entire night planned out for them. But first, she had to prepare. She gently hopped off the bed and trotted over to the large suitcase she had brought with her. She opened it up, revealing an assortment of items. Her eyes fell upon a can of pink spray paint, which she had brought along just for this trip. She looked over at Anon as she shook the can. He was sound asleep, completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

"Sorry, Anonnie," Pinkie whispered, smiling devilishly as she shuffled towards him. "But in order to prank, one must be pranked!"

The moon had replaced the sun hours ago when Anon woke up in the dark. He felt alert and well rested for whatever Pinkie had in store for them. Or so he hoped.

"Pinkie, you there?" he called out, his voice echoing slightly in the large room.

Suddenly, a match was struck right in front of his face, the sharp sound making him jolt. He blinked rapidly as the small flame illuminated Pinkie's face right in front of him; grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"It's tiiiime!" Pinkie sang softly.

Pretty much used to her weird antics now, Anon moved to put out the flame, but stopped when he saw his green leg was now a bright shade of pink. "What the-!" he exclaimed, jolting upright in the bed. "Am I a girl now?!"

Pinkie giggled as she held out the can of spray paint she'd used for the deed. "Don't worry! It's just paint!" she whispered with a smirk.

"Why the hell-" Anon began to scream.

Pinkie quickly shoved her hoof in Anon's mouth. "Shh!" she hissed. "You don't want to wake up the whole castle!"

Anon continued to mumble angrily into her hoof.

"It's just a prank, bro!" Pinkie explained quietly. "It washes off! Pinkie Promise! Now I'm going to take my hoof off your mouth. “You can yell at me later, okay?"

Anon nodded reluctantly. Pinkie removed her hoof. "I feel like I'm the main attraction at a circus now," Anon grumbled.

"It's the art of pranking young grasshopper!" Pinkie chuckled, blowing out the small flame, leaving the moonlight as their only source of light. "And tonight, we're going to prank the one! The only! Princess Celestia!"

Anon felt his stomach drop. "Wait, what? You want us to prank a goddess? Are you insane? Don't answer that either."

"It's okay," Pinkie assured him, walking back to her suitcase and digging through it. "I got clearance from Princess Luna, but as for getting to Celestia..." She tossed a black catsuit to Anon. "We're going to have to be sneaky!"

Anon caught the suit in his hooves. "I'm not sure this is a good idea, Pinks," he whispered, his heart racing at the mere thought of sneaking around the Castle. The guards were pegasi and unicorns after all. A lot could go wrong in so little time.

"It's just your nerves," Pinkie assured him, already dressed in her own black catsuit. She slung a small travel bag over her shoulder. "You'll do great! Just follow my lead!"

Knowing he was going to regret this, Anon slid into the catsuit, feeling the fabric cling to his body like a second skin. It was surprisingly comfortable, though the thought of being caught in this getup by royalty was anything but. Putting the hood over his head, he followed Pinkie out the door, the soft click of the lock echoing through the hallway. Why did everything have to sound ten times louder in the middle of the night?

They moved through the castle's corridors, sticking to the shadows like ninjas. Anon marvelled at how quiet Pinkie could be when she wanted to be. He tried to mimic her grace, only to trip and stumble to the floor. Thankfully, Pinkie caught him before he hit the ground.

"Slow down!" Pinkie whispered urgently, pulling him back to his hooves. "You're acting like Rainbow Dash! It's not about getting there fast. It's about not getting caught!"

Anon nodded, trying to calm his racing heart. He had never been good at this kind of thing—his human instincts were screaming at him that this was a terrible idea. But Pinkie's enthusiasm was infectious, and he found himself eager to see what kind of chaos they could stir up without getting caught. They continued their silent journey, sticking to the walls and peeking around corners before moving forward. The guards were sparse, mostly chatting with each other in groups, not expecting trouble in the middle of the night in the castle's most secure area.

Pinkie led them through a series of twists and turns until they reached a pair of large, ornate doors. "This is it," she whispered excitedly. "Celestia's chambers!"

While sneaking through the halls didn't seem like a good idea at first, Anon had to admit he found himself enjoying the thrill of it. He felt like a real Solid Snake (The video game character. Get your head out the gutter). But now they were at their destination, the reality of the situation set in. They were about to prank a goddess. Anon's doubts were starting to creep in again.

Pinkie, on the other hoof, was positively vibrating with excitement. She saw the look on Anon's face and hugged him close. "Don't go getting cold hooves on me now, Aaron. We got this!"

Anon nodded curtly. Pinkie's hug was like a warm cup of tea on a winter's night—it was surprisingly comforting. He took his place behind her and followed right behind her as she opened the door.

Celestia's room was much more serene than Anon had anticipated. The moonlight streamed in through the open balcony doors, casting a soft blue glow over the ornate furniture and the large, comfortable-looking bed. Celestia herself lay there, her alicorn form sprawled out, her mane fanned out like a waterfall across the pillows. She was snoring softly, the sound echoing through the stillness. It was then that Anon realized this was technically his first time meeting her. Also, he had no idea what they were supposed to do now.

Pinkie answered that by pulling out two black sharpies from her travel bag. It was now all too clear what they were about to do. Anon's heart hammered in his chest, but he couldn't deny the grin that was spreading across his face. This was going to be epic.

They tiptoed closer to the sleeping alicorn. Pinkie motioned for Anon to hold his breath. They were so close now. Celestia's face was a blank canvas begging to be drawn on. Anon took one of the sharpies, his hoof shaking slightly. He didn't know if he could actually go through with this.

Pinkie, on the other hoof, was already sketching a pair of goofy glasses over Celestia's eyes. The sound of marker against fur was like nails on a chalkboard to Anon's ears, but it was now too funny not to participate. He took his marker and began to draw kitty whiskers on her muzzle. His hooves steadied as he tried to be as discreet as he could.

As they scribbled on Celestia's face, Anon was beginning to struggle to keep in his laughter. Pinkie had just finished drawing a rather authentic looking goatee on her mouth. Pinkie gave him a stern look of disapproval, shaking her head slowly. The message was all too clear: laugh later or we perish now. He nodded solemnly, focusing his energy on keeping his laughter in check.

They continued their artistic escapade, Pinkie adding the word "BAMF" on Celestia's forehead while Anon peppered her with freckles. He had to restrain himself from drawing something that was more explicit. He liked where his head was at after all.

The two ponies exchanged looks of accomplishment before raising their hooves simultaneously and clapped them together. The sharp sound echoed through the silent room making the two freeze in terror. They both looked down at Celestia, who fortunately for them, had not been stirred by their hoof bump. Their eyes met again and they both nodded in silent agreement. It was time to bail.

Pinkie slid off the bed with surprising grace. Anon went to follow suit until he felt something firm and warm around his waist, freezing him in place. Celestia's foreleg. He looked down in horror to find the alicorn was pulling him back until he was nose to nose with her. His heart stopped. He was finished. He was dead. He was screwed.

Celestia's eyes fluttered open and became wide with surprise. She had seen many things in her centuries old life. Having a pink colt wearing a catsuit in her bed was definitely a new one.

Anon smiled nervously, his heart racing as he tried to think of an excuse for his current predicament. "Ah, good evening, your highness..."

What happened next was a tornado of chaos: Pinkie Pie screamed at the top of her lungs, which in turn caused Anon to scream at the top of his lungs. Celestia, now fully awake and quite bewildered, sat up in bed, her eyes darting from Anon to Pinkie and back again.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Celestia demanded in a booming voice.

Pinkie and Anon's answer was to continue screaming and bolt out her bedroom. Sneakiness be damned. The two didn't make it far before a swarm of guards, alerted by the commotion, converged on them. The corridors that had been so quiet and empty now rumbled with the stampede of armored hooves. The pair were cornered, but Pinkie had one last trick up her sleeve—or rather, in her travel bag.

"Don't worry, Anon! I got a way out of this!" She whispered to him, before addressing the small army of guards. "Gentlecolts! May you always remember this as the day you almost caught Pinkamena Diane Pie!"

Before anyone could react, Pinkie whipped out a small black pellet and threw it to the ground. It sizzled for a split second before a plume of pink smoke billowed out, quickly filling the corridor. Coughs and shouts of confusion from the guards could be heard as the smoke dissipated. When it finally cleared, Anon and Pinkie still remained under the guard's scrutiny.

"Strange..." Pinkie Pie mused, tapping her chin. "That should have made us teleport away or something... Must have been a dud."

Anon didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Two stoic guards escorted Pinkie and Anon down to the dungeons of Canterlot Castle, the clank of their armor echoing through the stone corridors. Anon couldn't believe what they'd just done. Pranking a goddess was one thing, but actually getting caught was another. As a True Crime buff Anon knew his best chance was to deny to answer questions and request a lawyer. But that was back at home. Here, he didn't even know if they had lawyers.

The dungeons were colder than the outside air, the walls damp and the smell of mildew thick. The guards pushed them into a cell that was surprisingly clean, albeit sparse. The only source of light was a flickering torch outside their bars. Pinkie looked around in awe as if this was a tourist attraction.

"Well, this is cozy!” Pinkie said, sitting on the plank of wood that to be their bed. Her enthusiasm unshaken by their current predicament. Anon just sat on the cold, hard floor, his hooves wrapped around the bars.

"Pinkie, this isn't funny anymore," Anon said, his voice tight. “We practically just graffitied on a deity!”

Pinkie bounced over to him. “Relax, Anon! It’s all part of the experience!”

Anon whirled around to face Pinkie. "Experience?! This isn't a game, Pinkie! We're in a dungeon! In a castle! I shouldn’t even be here at all! I should be at home at my crappy apartment, eating cheap raman noodles, working at my crappy job!"

Pinkie's expression fell. "But you are here, Anon, and we're together. That's what matters."

But Anon wasn't listening. Tears began to fall down his cheeks as he slumped against the bars. "This isn't right," he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. "I don't belong here. I don’t even know if this is all real. Maybe I am a pony and was insane to begin with. It would explain why no one wanted me. So pitiful the heroes of pony land had to come and save me."

Pinkie's eyes grew wide with shock as she watched Anon's shoulders shake with sobs. She had never seen him so distressed. She trotted over and nuzzled his shoulder, trying to comfort him. "Hey, hey," she whispered, "Don't think like that. You're not alone. We're all here for you."

“Only because some stupid map told you to!” Anon's yelled, shoving her away.

Pinkie felt a pang of guilt. She hadn’t anticipated this reaction from him. Her heart ached as she watched him break down in the cold, unforgiving cell. She knew he was feeling overwhelmed and lost. This wasn’t the night Pinkie had planned for them. They were supposed to be having fun. But she had gone too far.

“Is that why you don’t like us?” Pinkie asked softly. “Because you think we pity you?”

Anon sniffled, not looking at her. “What else is it?”

Pinkie took a deep breath, trying to keep her own emotions in check. "It's because we care," she said gently. "I know I can be... a lot to handle, but I never pitied you. When we found you, all I thought that I was making a new friend. As for the rest of us, we just want to help. We believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself."

Anon looked up at her, his eyes red and watery. "That was so cheesy.”

Pinkie gave a half smile. "Yeah, well, when in doubt, go for the heartstrings. And since we’re on the topic: why do you hate Rainbow Dash so much?”

Anon swallowed hard and looked away. “Because… I’m jealous.”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Of what?”

Anon took a moment to swallow his pride. “Of everything. She saw what she wanted in life and just went for it. She's got friends, a place here... she's happy." He paused, his voice cracking slightly. "And she's got wings.”

Pinkie Pie blew a raspberry. “Wings are overrated. You know AJ is Rainbow Dash’s biggest rival?“

“Yeah, I know,” Anon murmured.

“Are you jealous of AJ?”

“Not as much, but yeah.”

Pinkie leaned closer. “Why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you, Anon?”

Anon didn’t answer. Instead he walked over to the bench, climbed up on it, curled up into a ball and fell asleep. The silence between them was palpable. Pinkie knew she was so close to getting to the root of his problem, but she couldn’t force it out of him. A twinge of regret pierced through her for getting themselves put in the dungeon. It was all part of her plan after all. She had thought it would be a fun night, but she never anticipated Anon was hurting this badly. Still, progress had been made.

Leaning back against the bars, Pinkie watched Anon sleep. Her heart was heavy with worry for her new friend. She would make it up to him tomorrow or later today. Whatever the time was. Princess Luna was due to come let them out any minute now.

Author's Note

Not the chapter I wanted to do at all, but this is the best I could deliver. I literally wrote and rewrote this chapter all day. I actually have a whole other chapter written down of just Anon and Pinkie that was meant to be the original. But chapter stories are like puzzle pieces. I can't force them to fit. So it looks like Pinkie is getting more screen time.

You can thank CrimsonWolf360 for giving the idea to make this puzzle piece fit.

Assault With a Deadly Golf Ball

Author's Note

Added a decent chunk to last chapter posted Feb 16. Also, I now officially have writers block.

Assault With a Deadly Golf Ball

The next morning Anon was rudely awoken by a sharp pain at the tip of his ear. He swiftly sat up only to be pleasantly surprised to find he was back in the room they had been in previously, not the dungeon. Did last night even really happen? He rubbed his eyes and looked around. The room was empty, save for Carnage, who was giving him a disapproving stare. Anon rubbed his ear understanding now that Carnage was hungry.

As if on cue Pinkie Pie burst in the room, pushing a cart piled with breakfast foods. "Morning, sleepyhead!" she exclaimed, her usual bubbly self. "I hope you slept well!"

Anon blinked a few times, looking down at himself, and noticed that the pink spray paint from the night before was gone. His coat was once again the vibrant green it was meant to be. "Pinkie… was I dreaming or did we actually sneak around the castle last night?”

Pinkie chuckled. "Oh, it wasn't a dream, partner. We had ourselves quite the adventure!" She pushed the cart closer to the bed, the scent of fresh pastries wafting through the air. "But fear not, I' had a chat with Princess Luna while you slept. Because she found our prank so funny, she gave us both a full pardon! And as a bonus: we get a free pass to Canterlot’s Elite Golf Club!”

“You really think golf is the solution to my frustration? How is hitting a tiny ball with a stick going to help me feel better?”

Pinkie and Anon had just arrived at the golf course with a bag of golf clubs and a bucket of balls. Pinkie had also got them both white collared shirts and caps with the course's logo on the front. The smell of freshly cut grass filled the air, and the occasional chirp of a bird could be heard in the distance. The sky was a clear blue, with a few clouds that looked like rain, but weren’t due to do so today. Anon watched the other snooty unicorns teeing off with an air of skepticism, but Pinkie was full of enthusiasm, hopping from one hoof to the other.

“Because, Anonnie!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, her voice bubbly as ever. She pointed out to the stretch of green. “You’re going to dump all your frustrations into a little tiny ball and send it flying! It’s like throwing a tantrum, but with a purpose!”

“Uh huh…” Anon said, still doubtful as Pinkie Pie offered him a club. He gave her a look. “And how exactly do I hold it? With my teeth or hooves?”

“With your hooves, silly! Here, I’ll show you!” Pinkie thrust the golf club in Anon’s hooves, moved to stand behind him and lifted him up on his back legs. Hugging him tight from behind, she guided Anon’s forehooves around the club, showing him how to hold it firmly but gently. Once she was satisfied with his grip, she began slowly swinging back and forth. “Remember, it’s all in the hips. Sing it with me! It’s all in the hips! It’s all the hips! It’s all in the hips!”

Anon couldn’t feel more awkward as Pinkie lead his body through the motion. His club swinging back and forth before him as Pinkie sang. On and on Pinkie went keeping Anon swinging with her. Her enthusiasm was making her blind to just how uncomfortable Anon was beginning to feel.

“Get off of me!” Anon exclaimed, trying to sound angry but couldn’t really hide the laughter in his voice.

“Just trying to ease up the tension!” Pinkie chuckled, releasing her hold on him.

“Buy me dinner first!” Anon chuckled, gently pushing her away with the club.

Pinkie proceed to pick up Anon’s golf ball and scribbled an angry face on it with a marker that randomly appeared in her hoof. “Now, I want you to think of this ball as whatever’s been bothering you. Give it a good whack and let it fly!”

“But all my angry feelings are in here,” Anon said, tapping his head with his hoof.

“Just try it!” Pinkie encouraged. She stepped aside, giving Anon some space. “Imagine it’s that pesky fly that keeps buzzing around or the pebble in your shoe that you just can’t ignore!”

Anon sighed, thinking just how whacked out his life had become. A pink pony, with a penchant for parties was trying to teach him how to golf. Maybe this was all happening in his head while he laid in a hospital bed, waiting to come out of a coma. Still, he was here with no sign of waking up. He looked down at the little angry ball on the tee and frowned. The face felt like it was staring right at him. Judging him. Laughing at him.

A strong huff escaped Anon’s nostrils as he positioned himself back to how Pinkie showed him. Stupid golf ball! Stupid ponies! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Teeth gritted, Anon swung with all his might,. The club connected with a solid thwack! and the ball shot upwards like it had been fired from a cannon. The force of the hit made him wobble a bit on his legs, but he managed to stay upright, watching as the ball soared through the air, carrying with it his pent-up aggravation. It was a surprisingly liberating feeling, one that brought a smug smile to his face.

“Home run!” Pinkie cheered, throwing her hooves up in the air as the golf ball soared high and straight.

But her cheer was abruptly cut off as the ball took a dramatic turn. A gust of wind picked up, sending the tiny projectile hurtling towards an unsuspecting unicorn in the nearby field. As if in slow motion, Anon and Pinkie watched the ball heading straight for the unicorn’s forehead. Time seemed to stand still as he processed what was about to happen.

The poor unicorn didn’t even see it coming. Engrossed in his own thoughts, the ball struck at the back of its head with a sickening thud. He instantly stumbled forward and fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“You just hit that guy!” Pinkie gasped, her hooves shooting up to her mouth.

“He shouldn’t have been standing there,” Anon replied casually, but he knew as well as Pinkie they were in deep trouble. Again.

“You should have yelled fore!” Pinkie yelled, her panic increasing. “Fore is what you say to warn somepony you’re about to smack them with a flying golf ball!”

“Now you tell me!” Anon snapped back.

“Sweet Celestia, I didn’t plan for this! We’re going to prison for mareslaughter!” Pinkie cried, tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

“What do you mean we?” Anon demanded. “I’m supposed to be a foal!”

“A foal once got sent to Tartarus for stealing magic, Anon!” Pinkie cried, waving her hooves in a blur. “They won’t think twice about locking us up for this! I won’t survive in there! No parties! No cake! No fun!”

Anon was about to suggest they go on the run together when they suddenly heard a string of loud curses. He and Pinkie looked back to see the stallion in the distance was now standing and screaming bloody murder at them, shaking his hoof.

“Oh no, he’s not dead, is he?” Pinkie asked, visibly paling.

Anon shot her a look. “Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?”

“We’re still on the hook for assault with a deadly golf ball! We need to move!”

Before Anon could agree, Pinkie seized Anon and threw him up in the air. He landed on her back with a thud, his hooves clinging to her for dear life as she bolted off the golf course. “SORRY!” Pinkie yelled over her shoulder as they sped away. The unicorn’s curses grew faint as they put more distance between themselves and the chaos they had just caused.

They didn’t stop until they reached the bustling streets, where they ducked into a clothing store; Pinkie said they needed disguises from the guards that would be looking for them. The bell on the door jingled merrily, a stark contrast to the panic in their hearts. The store was filled with colorful fabrics, stylish outfits, and the occasional mannequin that looked eerily lifelike.

“Welcome to Canterlot Boutique!” a dark purple unicorn mare greeted them as they stumbled through the door, breathless. She looked them over with a critical eye, noticing their disheveled state and Anon’s wrinkled shirt. “Looks like you two could use some fashion first aid!”

Pinkie grabbed the mare and pulled her in so close they were almost touching noses. ”Yes! Yes, we do! Now!”

The mare gulped either in fear or nervousness of Pinkie's frantic tone. She nodded and quickly led them towards the dressing rooms.

“Did you, um, have anything in mind?” The salesmare asked, her professional tone slipping a bit.

Pinkie scanned the racks, eyes lighting up at the sight of a rack of coats. “Trench coats! Yes! We'd like your finest trench coats!"

“And hats!” Anon added hastily. “Don’t forget hats!”

The salesmare nodded, appearing baffled by the attitude of her hyperactive customers, but she didn’t ask questions. She swiftly picked out two solid black trench coats and two matching gray flap caps. She began to explain the quality and material of the coats and hats only to have them yanked out of her hooves.

Anon threw on his coat, feeling the soft fabric envelop him. The coat was lined with a warm, plush material that immediately began to drive out any sense of cold, and also surprisingly lightweight for its size and thickness. He quickly pulled the cap over his head, the brim low enough to cast a shadow over his eyes, but not so much that he couldn’t see Pinkie Pie had already changed into her coat and hat.

Anon noticed she was staring rather interestedly at him. It was less creepy than her constant smile, yet Anon wasn’t a fan of this particular expression either.

“What?” Anon asked, knowing she was bound to say something he would find weird.

“I don’t know…” Pinkie spoke, seemingly more to herself. “I just think your disguise is missing something. What do you think my good mare?”

The salesmare gave Anon a critical look, then smiled wide. "Ah, I know just the thing!" she exclaimed, her earlier nervousness replaced by a sudden burst of enthusiasm. She dashed back to the racks and returned with a sharp-looking black suit. "This is sure to not only complete the look, but make you appear as the stallion you are destined to be!"

Anon eyed the suit skeptically. Why was Pinkie even opting for him to wear a suit along with the coat and hat? It was plenty enough of a disguise.

“Go ahead, try it on," Pinkie encouraged.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit overkill?”

“Come on, don’t be shy!” Pinkie urged, nudging Anon towards the changing room. “You’re gonna look fabulous!”

“Alright, fine!” Anon relented, accepting the suit from the salesmare. “But I’m not wearing the tie! The fact that anyone wears a noose around their necks is bonkers to me!”

“Then you’re in luck!” The salesmare said, holding out the sleek black tie. “It’s a clip-on!”

Unable to argue with that logic, Anon went into the dressing room and put on the suit. Wearing pants again after so long was strange, but surprisingly comfortable as it conformed to his body. When he came out, the salesmare and Pinkie both gawked.

“You… look... amazing!” Pinkie Pie squealed, sounding genuinely surprised.

Anon glanced at himself in the mirror. He never really liked facing his new form in the mirror, so he avoided looking directly at mirrors if he could. But the glance was all he needed to see he actually looked like a serious pony. Not the innocent foal everyone saw him as.

“Quite the fillykiller!” The salesmare complimented with a wink.

Anon felt his face warm up as he realized what she meant. “Alright, I tried it on, can we leave now?”

Pinkie only resumed her studying look on Anon. His ears bent down in frustration. He was beginning to feel like a Ken Barbie doll. What’s next? He wondered. A pocketwatch?”

But Pinkie had other plans. ”You know what? I’ll take a suit as well. Same as Anonnie’s!”

The salesmare raised an eyebrow, but the customer was always right in matters of taste. Another dark purple suit later, Pinkie and Anon now stood at the register in their matching plum suits, coats and hats.

“Will that be everything?” The salesmare inquired as she rung up their purchase.

“Just one more thing,” Anon answered. “Forget we were ever here.”

“By the order of the Pinkie Blinders!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, making the salesmare and Anon jump in fright.

With their new clothes paid for in a low price, (Pinkie had a Rare Discount Card) Anon and Pinkie left the shop feeling much more confident then they did before entering.

"Now what?" Pinkie asked, adjusting her hat.

Surprising himself, Anon found himself genuinely smiling. He found he felt much older now that he was wearing a suit. It may actually become his signature outfit when he got back to Ponyville. “How about an early lunch? All that running and shopping made me hungry.”

Pinkie gasped excitedly. “And I know just the place!”