Author's Note

Added a decent chunk to last chapter posted Feb 16. Also, I now officially have writers block.

Assault With a Deadly Golf Ball

The next morning Anon was rudely awoken by a sharp pain at the tip of his ear. He swiftly sat up only to be pleasantly surprised to find he was back in the room they had been in previously, not the dungeon. Did last night even really happen? He rubbed his eyes and looked around. The room was empty, save for Carnage, who was giving him a disapproving stare. Anon rubbed his ear understanding now that Carnage was hungry.

As if on cue Pinkie Pie burst in the room, pushing a cart piled with breakfast foods. "Morning, sleepyhead!" she exclaimed, her usual bubbly self. "I hope you slept well!"

Anon blinked a few times, looking down at himself, and noticed that the pink spray paint from the night before was gone. His coat was once again the vibrant green it was meant to be. "Pinkie… was I dreaming or did we actually sneak around the castle last night?”

Pinkie chuckled. "Oh, it wasn't a dream, partner. We had ourselves quite the adventure!" She pushed the cart closer to the bed, the scent of fresh pastries wafting through the air. "But fear not, I' had a chat with Princess Luna while you slept. Because she found our prank so funny, she gave us both a full pardon! And as a bonus: we get a free pass to Canterlot’s Elite Golf Club!”

*

“You really think golf is the solution to my frustration? How is hitting a tiny ball with a stick going to help me feel better?”

Pinkie and Anon had just arrived at the golf course with a bag of golf clubs and a bucket of balls. Pinkie had also got them both white collared shirts and caps with the course's logo on the front. The smell of freshly cut grass filled the air, and the occasional chirp of a bird could be heard in the distance. The sky was a clear blue, with a few clouds that looked like rain, but weren’t due to do so today. Anon watched the other snooty unicorns teeing off with an air of skepticism, but Pinkie was full of enthusiasm, hopping from one hoof to the other.

“Because, Anonnie!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, her voice bubbly as ever. She pointed out to the stretch of green. “You’re going to dump all your frustrations into a little tiny ball and send it flying! It’s like throwing a tantrum, but with a purpose!”

“Uh huh…” Anon said, still doubtful as Pinkie Pie offered him a club. He gave her a look. “And how exactly do I hold it? With my teeth or hooves?”

“With your hooves, silly! Here, I’ll show you!” Pinkie thrust the golf club in Anon’s hooves, moved to stand behind him and lifted him up on his back legs. Hugging him tight from behind, she guided Anon’s forehooves around the club, showing him how to hold it firmly but gently. Once she was satisfied with his grip, she began slowly swinging back and forth. “Remember, it’s all in the hips. Sing it with me! It’s all in the hips! It’s all the hips! It’s all in the hips!”

Anon couldn’t feel more awkward as Pinkie lead his body through the motion. His club swinging back and forth before him as Pinkie sang. On and on Pinkie went keeping Anon swinging with her. Her enthusiasm was making her blind to just how uncomfortable Anon was beginning to feel.

“Get off of me!” Anon exclaimed, trying to sound angry but couldn’t really hide the laughter in his voice.

“Just trying to ease up the tension!” Pinkie chuckled, releasing her hold on him.

“Buy me dinner first!” Anon chuckled, gently pushing her away with the club.

Pinkie proceed to pick up Anon’s golf ball and scribbled an angry face on it with a marker that randomly appeared in her hoof. “Now, I want you to think of this ball as whatever’s been bothering you. Give it a good whack and let it fly!”

“But all my angry feelings are in here,” Anon said, tapping his head with his hoof.

“Just try it!” Pinkie encouraged. She stepped aside, giving Anon some space. “Imagine it’s that pesky fly that keeps buzzing around or the pebble in your shoe that you just can’t ignore!”

Anon sighed, thinking just how whacked out his life had become. A pink pony, with a penchant for parties was trying to teach him how to golf. Maybe this was all happening in his head while he laid in a hospital bed, waiting to come out of a coma. Still, he was here with no sign of waking up. He looked down at the little angry ball on the tee and frowned. The face felt like it was staring right at him. Judging him. Laughing at him.

A strong huff escaped Anon’s nostrils as he positioned himself back to how Pinkie showed him. Stupid golf ball! Stupid ponies! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Teeth gritted, Anon swung with all his might,. The club connected with a solid thwack! and the ball shot upwards like it had been fired from a cannon. The force of the hit made him wobble a bit on his legs, but he managed to stay upright, watching as the ball soared through the air, carrying with it his pent-up aggravation. It was a surprisingly liberating feeling, one that brought a smug smile to his face.

“Home run!” Pinkie cheered, throwing her hooves up in the air as the golf ball soared high and straight.

But her cheer was abruptly cut off as the ball took a dramatic turn. A gust of wind picked up, sending the tiny projectile hurtling towards an unsuspecting unicorn in the nearby field. As if in slow motion, Anon and Pinkie watched the ball heading straight for the unicorn’s forehead. Time seemed to stand still as he processed what was about to happen.

The poor unicorn didn’t even see it coming. Engrossed in his own thoughts, the ball struck at the back of its head with a sickening thud. He instantly stumbled forward and fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“You just hit that guy!” Pinkie gasped, her hooves shooting up to her mouth.

“He shouldn’t have been standing there,” Anon replied casually, but he knew as well as Pinkie they were in deep trouble. Again.

“You should have yelled fore!” Pinkie yelled, her panic increasing. “Fore is what you say to warn somepony you’re about to smack them with a flying golf ball!”

“Now you tell me!” Anon snapped back.

“Sweet Celestia, I didn’t plan for this! We’re going to prison for mareslaughter!” Pinkie cried, tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

“What do you mean we?” Anon demanded. “I’m supposed to be a foal!”

“A foal once got sent to Tartarus for stealing magic, Anon!” Pinkie cried, waving her hooves in a blur. “They won’t think twice about locking us up for this! I won’t survive in there! No parties! No cake! No fun!”

Anon was about to suggest they go on the run together when they suddenly heard a string of loud curses. He and Pinkie looked back to see the stallion in the distance was now standing and screaming bloody murder at them, shaking his hoof.

“Oh no, he’s not dead, is he?” Pinkie asked, visibly paling.

Anon shot her a look. “Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?”

“We’re still on the hook for assault with a deadly golf ball! We need to move!”

Before Anon could agree, Pinkie seized Anon and threw him up in the air. He landed on her back with a thud, his hooves clinging to her for dear life as she bolted off the golf course. “SORRY!” Pinkie yelled over her shoulder as they sped away. The unicorn’s curses grew faint as they put more distance between themselves and the chaos they had just caused.

They didn’t stop until they reached the bustling streets, where they ducked into a clothing store; Pinkie said they needed disguises from the guards that would be looking for them. The bell on the door jingled merrily, a stark contrast to the panic in their hearts. The store was filled with colorful fabrics, stylish outfits, and the occasional mannequin that looked eerily lifelike.

“Welcome to Canterlot Boutique!” a dark purple unicorn mare greeted them as they stumbled through the door, breathless. She looked them over with a critical eye, noticing their disheveled state and Anon’s wrinkled shirt. “Looks like you two could use some fashion first aid!”

Pinkie grabbed the mare and pulled her in so close they were almost touching noses. ”Yes! Yes, we do! Now!”

The mare gulped either in fear or nervousness of Pinkie's frantic tone. She nodded and quickly led them towards the dressing rooms.

“Did you, um, have anything in mind?” The salesmare asked, her professional tone slipping a bit.

Pinkie scanned the racks, eyes lighting up at the sight of a rack of coats. “Trench coats! Yes! We'd like your finest trench coats!"

“And hats!” Anon added hastily. “Don’t forget hats!”

The salesmare nodded, appearing baffled by the attitude of her hyperactive customers, but she didn’t ask questions. She swiftly picked out two solid black trench coats and two matching gray flap caps. She began to explain the quality and material of the coats and hats only to have them yanked out of her hooves.

Anon threw on his coat, feeling the soft fabric envelop him. The coat was lined with a warm, plush material that immediately began to drive out any sense of cold, and also surprisingly lightweight for its size and thickness. He quickly pulled the cap over his head, the brim low enough to cast a shadow over his eyes, but not so much that he couldn’t see Pinkie Pie had already changed into her coat and hat.

Anon noticed she was staring rather interestedly at him. It was less creepy than her constant smile, yet Anon wasn’t a fan of this particular expression either.

“What?” Anon asked, knowing she was bound to say something he would find weird.

“I don’t know…” Pinkie spoke, seemingly more to herself. “I just think your disguise is missing something. What do you think my good mare?”

The salesmare gave Anon a critical look, then smiled wide. "Ah, I know just the thing!" she exclaimed, her earlier nervousness replaced by a sudden burst of enthusiasm. She dashed back to the racks and returned with a sharp-looking black suit. "This is sure to not only complete the look, but make you appear as the stallion you are destined to be!"

Anon eyed the suit skeptically. Why was Pinkie even opting for him to wear a suit along with the coat and hat? It was plenty enough of a disguise.

“Go ahead, try it on," Pinkie encouraged.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit overkill?”

“Come on, don’t be shy!” Pinkie urged, nudging Anon towards the changing room. “You’re gonna look fabulous!”

“Alright, fine!” Anon relented, accepting the suit from the salesmare. “But I’m not wearing the tie! The fact that anyone wears a noose around their necks is bonkers to me!”

“Then you’re in luck!” The salesmare said, holding out the sleek black tie. “It’s a clip-on!”

Unable to argue with that logic, Anon went into the dressing room and put on the suit. Wearing pants again after so long was strange, but surprisingly comfortable as it conformed to his body. When he came out, the salesmare and Pinkie both gawked.

“You… look... amazing!” Pinkie Pie squealed, sounding genuinely surprised.

Anon glanced at himself in the mirror. He never really liked facing his new form in the mirror, so he avoided looking directly at mirrors if he could. But the glance was all he needed to see he actually looked like a serious pony. Not the innocent foal everyone saw him as.

“Quite the fillykiller!” The salesmare complimented with a wink.

Anon felt his face warm up as he realized what she meant. “Alright, I tried it on, can we leave now?”

Pinkie only resumed her studying look on Anon. His ears bent down in frustration. He was beginning to feel like a Ken Barbie doll. What’s next? He wondered. A pocketwatch?”

But Pinkie had other plans. ”You know what? I’ll take a suit as well. Same as Anonnie’s!”

The salesmare raised an eyebrow, but the customer was always right in matters of taste. Another dark purple suit later, Pinkie and Anon now stood at the register in their matching plum suits, coats and hats.

“Will that be everything?” The salesmare inquired as she rung up their purchase.

“Just one more thing,” Anon answered. “Forget we were ever here.”

“By the order of the Pinkie Blinders!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, making the salesmare and Anon jump in fright.

With their new clothes paid for in a low price, (Pinkie had a Rare Discount Card) Anon and Pinkie left the shop feeling much more confident then they did before entering.

"Now what?" Pinkie asked, adjusting her hat.

Surprising himself, Anon found himself genuinely smiling. He found he felt much older now that he was wearing a suit. It may actually become his signature outfit when he got back to Ponyville. “How about an early lunch? All that running and shopping made me hungry.”

Pinkie gasped excitedly. “And I know just the place!”